Posts tagged weight loss surgery
I never realized how much fun I was having while taking photos of food, until I started to review all of the photos that I have created over just the past few years.
you know, the tragic irony is that i had all my teeth removed, because it was the only way to end the immense pain that i experienced on a regular basis. now, maybe because i don’t possess the teeth to enjoy it all, based on my own decision, i am more obsessed with photographing food than ever.
The word “dynasty” has the word “nasty” in it, which is ironic, because I’m listening to ‘the prodigy’ “nasty“.
This is my tribute to the almighty powerful consumer food product consumer for something known as yellow number five. Even though apples are red, someone, somewhere would probably add some yellow no. 5 just to “zazz it up” a little.
This was some really sexy meat, at an all you can eat casino buffet in Las Vegas. I know that you can find a big buffet just about anywhere, but this city is packed full with so many cool places to eat. There is such a diversity in the people who visit, and that diversity shows in the many types of foods that you can obtain.
Candy has had an opportunity to try out so many foods while living here that may not have been available where we lived before, Baton Rouge Louisiana. There was quite a selection there too, but mostly the large franchised places that exist just about everywhere. I am not quite sure if Candy could have found such variety so easily back there. Russian, Italian, Filipino, Cantonese, Japanese, Korean, and of course Indian food. All those excellent kinds of foods are easy to find here in Vegas, and Candy didn’t hesitate to try out just about everything she could find. I think that the only type of food I have seen all over the place here that she hasn’t tried yet is the middle eastern stuff. Indian food comes close, but it’s not quite like Mediterranean.
In the casino buffet where a few of these pics are from, they had an assortment of different national foods right there. In the photo above, there is a taco station in the “Mexican” section, and then right next to that there was a section called “homestyle” or something, and I am guessing it was “southern food”.
There was even a section called “American” but I think that was mostly “southern” or “soul food” because of the greens and smoked sausage. I know there was a section called “international” too, but I could not figure out exactly what that was supposed to be because everything was covered and served by someone behind the counter.
Living in Vegas means that there is a Filipino place in walking distance, right in the parking lot with a strip mall that also includes about 6 other restaurants and a supermarket. In that one strip mall and enclosed parking lot there is a Jack In the Box, a Taco Bell (new), a China Star (Chinese buffet), and then there is the Filipino place, a Thai BBQ, and one small Chinese place in the strip mall itself.
Oh man, I’m forgetting about a small Mexican restaurant in between all of that! We’ve never even tried the small Chinese or Mexican places that lie in the strip mall itself, but Candy has tried every restaurant in the parking lot except for the Taco Bell, only because it hasn’t even opened yet. It will, and that will make the closest Taco Bell in walking distance too, which is ironic because I would be better off walking there to work off the added calories of eating there!
Filipino food really trips me out because there are whole fish in some dishes. Yeah, head and all. I’m sure that is similar to some Vietnamese dishes, which I think we have yet to try out so far. Candy’s favorite dish from the Filipino place is Dinuguan, which i have tried and it just tastes like beef liver to me. I do like liver though, but there is a very complex assortment of other flavors in the spices they use with it.
Now that I read up on it, I realize that they don’t have to use much liver if the base of the gravy is pork blood. I guess that’s where the liver or mineral taste comes from. It is Candy’s fav from the Filipino place around the corner, and every time I end up going there for her, dinuguan is going to be one of the two items in her “combo plate”.
Since I mention one of Candy’s favorites, I am tempted to bring up one of my own, Sushi. It’s ironic that the selection of delicious looking sushi above was for Candy, not me. I would end up being happy to take a few photos and then grab my trusted tuna or egg salad. I’m sure Candy may have slipped me at least one section of one roll, but I would not have taken much if any because this was more of a “prop” than my own personal snack.
I was about to try to figure out the names of everything, then I remembered that I took a photo with the covers on. While the sushi isn’t as beautiful and delicious looking under the plastic lids, the title of these delicious rolls is written out on them, which is good for a reference later, like now.
The photo above showed just a part of quite a feast. Those are Italian sandwiches on the left of the sushi, and both the trays of sushi are sitting on a large pizza in a box. The salt and lemon slices is for the margarita that Candy was making to go along with all of this. What an excellent feast.
Candy has had quite an opportunity to try so many different things, and at the same time, I am always ready with the camera to capture the look of this or that, even if it is the tenth time I am photographing the same food.
I have to admit that I don’t take photos of each and every food that gets delivered or cooked, but there are times when I am in a mood or the food looks so exquisite that I can’t resist grabbing a few pics. Now, I am made aware of the term “food porn” and the fact that what I am creating seems kind of close to it.
I realize that I don’t create the same kinds of images that are created by the “food stylists’ who prep food for commercial images, but then again, I create realistic images of real food the way I get it or sometimes the way Candy makes it.
I recently made a decision that cost me all my teeth without suitable replacement until I endure some paperwork hassle and probably a lawsuit. I am not regretting my decision to have all the teeth removed, because I would have probably had one or more dental abscesses by now if they were still around. I do regret allowing a dentist to take an impression of my mouth while I still had teeth, which I knew was totally backwards. I complained to her as she was struggling with doing it, and I got no response. I made the mistake of blindly trusting a “medical professional”, which is something you should NEVER, EVER DO.
Maybe I have such a gripe about weight loss surgery because the few things I have asked medical professionals to do they have kind of fucked it up. I mean, not having teeth from september of 2014 until now (may 2015) isn’t even such a big deal to me. I don’t really care about the cosmetic aspect, but the functional eating thing does get on my nerves a little here and there.
For all I know, creating food porn has been a way that I am able to appreciate and enjoy food since I can’t eat it in the typical manner without any teeth. I can use a heavy duty fork to crush things up and then swish the mashed up food in my mouth to enjoy the full taste, but that isn’t the same as real eating. I feel like I’m feeding a pet reptile, and that reptile is me.
I guess food porn does have a usefulness, because I am able to express myself creatively in the way I perceive food, and at the same time enjoy the food itself on a level that is not possible even with teeth. I guess I really love the food pics, because taking them can be a creative process in itself, and then seeing them later provides a pleasant memory of foods I have seen no matter if I ate that specific piece of food or not.
I have eaten plenty of sushi back when I had teeth, so now, every piece of sushi that I photograph becomes a part of a collective that I seem to trick myself into thinking I ate. Therefore, the food porn has allowed me to “virtually eat” some foods that I don’t crave as badly now that I can’t eat them in the way I traditionally would have with teeth.
Not having teeth has been really educational, and now I am just left with the sense of being ripped off. I worked hard to make sure I would end up qualifying for medicaid legitimately. The very first big process I wanted to make sure was done was getting all those rotten and half teeth out of my mouth. I didn’t care so much about having new, perfect, fake teeth, but it would have been nice to be able to use the pair that I did get.
Now I can’t get a replacement for five years unless I pay for them, while I see the dentures I can’t use sitting on top of the fridge every time I go into it. i guess I left them there to punish myself, and remind myself every day I don’t do something about this that I should. I adapt so well to new situations though, that not having teeth was something I really don’t notice sometimes. There are times recently I caught myself about to click my front teeth together like I used to, and they are not even there.
I would have to go back to see if my food porn content creation has intensified after having the teeth removed. It may not have, and even if it did, I’m not sure if that proves anything, but I feel that the food porn has been a helpful part in my adaptation to this new situation.
People use different kinds of “art therapy” and now I begin to feel that food porn is one of mine. I know I still have issues. The alcoholism is not really under full control, but I have adapted to a “hard limit” that I have been able to reinforce internally. That is pretty good, but just one of the initial steps to my control over alcoholism without total abstinence.
Alleged “food addicts” can’t abstain from food, so what does that tell you about every abstinence therapy involved in addiction today? I don’t think anybody has a clue about how to “fix” addiction, and in a consumer based, capitalist society, I don’t think it’s in anyone’s best interest to do so.
I have brought up super consumers over at the blog obesicorp, and I have this running gimmick going on over there about a consulting firm that helps companies make more profit by adjusting their business model to cater to the super consumer. i wonder sometimes about how my metaphor might be closer to the truth than I realized while creating it.
There was a time when I would rant and rave about an “obesity conspiracy” that would involve fattening people up, then selling them crap that doesn’t work to allegedly shrink them back down. If the crap that they sold to shrink people back down didn’t work on some individuals, offer one of a variety of surgical options, none of them actually proven to work every time either, sometimes actually killing the person.
That’s when I came up with “shrink’em or kill’em” theory. Of course, that’s just a tiny part of the entire obesity conspiracy theory, but it’s one of the darkest and most “morbid” parts, because it involves death, and the irony of killing one’s self in order to save one’s life. Or, I could put it as “risking your life to save it.”
Every doctor that Candy has seen has suggested surgery, and another irony is that she got sick after seeing so many doctors for things that they could not find. Candy went a few years without seeing a single doctor, and she never got really sick, just has breathing issues. She starts going to doctors and different places for tests, and she ends up getting a little cold that kicked her ass because her regular breathing issues got worse. So, seeing a doctor actually made Candy sick.
She’s getting better, but being sick helped her to lose more weight than she has in years. So, it makes sense to me that there are so many surgeries for weight loss because making someone “sick” actually helps them to lose weight.
Ok, now as I come back to add a few more recent photos, I realize how far off track I got when I started this post as “food porn”. It has taken me days to come back to finish this out of “drafts” and I think I am going to finally let it out!
you know, i kind of like this style of not capitalizing, but that was one way when people could tell when i was intoxicated. at this point, i am getting a thrill out of writing more while not intoxicated, so without that little hint, it should still be obvious if i am drunk or not, or if i might be just a tiny bit high.
i re-read the prior post, and i could go back and clean it up a bit, but i want to leave it, because i did announce that i was somewhat intoxicated, although not nearly to the degree that i have been in the past during my worst online behavior ever.
there has been some talk about an ebook that came out recently, written by a friend of candy’s, and this work was not very appreciated at all by so many people. at the same time, so many people provided negative feedback. when i see something like that, i am reminded of just how irrelevant my own writing can be, and how i am probably just ‘talking to myself’ more than expressing anything of any value or interest.
i realize that there are times when i go off on some tangent and i really try to get deep into something, but some of my own descriptions seem somewhat disconnected and incoherent at times. that is probably more related to practice than if i am intoxicated on alcohol.
i went into that forum i talked about before with an agenda. the main agenda was to just “make new friends and meet new people”. this seems harmless enough, but now i realize that the typical agenda of the individual in that forum is not going to be quite that simple. i forget that the “making friends” part is just “part one” in the advanced long term agenda.
i was fighting a losing battle to assume that my honestly simple agenda would hold much interest for those who would focus, rightfully, on those individuals who had an agenda that came somewhere close to their own. when i talk about “just friends”, that pretty much eliminates us from the swingers, the voyeurs, the unicorn hunters, and most importantly, the “fat herder”.
i briefly mentioned this “ptsd episode” where “drunk me” decided to “go off” in some forum because i felt that people hadn’t paid enough attention to me or something. i had been somewhat offended by the tendency for one person who ran the group to hit me with information about a group get together in response to my initial post, where i said in the last paragraph that candy was not into that stuff.
i felt disregarded, a little disrespected, and somewhat offended by that exchange. as time went on, that sense of being offended and blown off increased as there was literally no other response to anything i would post in that thread or any other thread i attempted to participate in.
now, if i had creeped people out already with my participation, or anything i had said, it still didn’t stop someone from blindly pursuing an agenda even though i stated in my post that we were not candidates for that agenda. this kind of social media cold calling is always very unattractive, because it’s going to draw in the kind of guys who are not so open and up front about wanting to “make new friends”, because they are looking for easy prey for one of many possible agendas.
it was really unfair for me to try to communicate with the most social acting person in that and literally hundreds of other forums, because i should have realized that she too was casting a large net, but for something that i would have no interest in if it involved having sex in front of people that we don’t know.
i should have known better that this person would really like to “get to know new people” as she seemed to try so hard to do with every other person in the forum. she was casting this net out there, reeling in as many people as she could herself, but as she said it was about friendship, it really wasn’t, and the vague and ambiguous nature of “he likes to watch” wasn’t very informative as to her likes and dislikes as an intellectual friend.
maybe a part of me was so used to being rejected sexually as a single male, that now, i am really insulted when i am rejected for simple friendship that doesn’t involve eventually fucking someone or watching them get fucked by someone else, or letting them fuck my old lady, or whatever.
i am really grateful for that whole experience, even if it made me “look bad” in the eyes of all those people who have an agenda that doesn’t match mine or candy’s anyway. maybe, just maybe, no matter how bad i get online, there are people out there who wanted to say the same things, but just didn’t want to deal with the burden of being a social media outcast.
candy should be ashamed or at least embarrassed by some of my behavior online, but she’s “used to it” now. she knows that as i go around making a fool of myself occasionally, that i am only scaring off the vultures and the buzzards that don’t want true friendship as much as they seem to want to find new sex partners gathered around the corpse they consume.
that is a horrible and morbid association, but that’s how i view the whole alleged size acceptance community at this point. people love to use that phrase, size acceptance, while they hold these gatherings where socialization comes at a price at the door, and the smaller bbws can stare and gawk at the ssbbws in much the same way everybody else in society does. i have heard, and fortunately not experienced, that this type of behavior is not only tolerated at some past events, but encouraged for amusement and entertainment.
that is a harsh allegation, but i have heard some pretty low down stuff about the ‘vegas bbw bash’ before it changed management and became ‘something else’. in the last year before the management changed, i somehow stumbled upon facebook posts by people who left early for some reason or another. luckily for them, all was not lost because the new group was forming as the old group was dying. it’s just a kind of changing of the guard, and for all i know, it may be better, but candy doesn’t want to submit herself to the mere possibility that she could end up being the entertainment when things might fall apart.
it doesn’t help matters that there has not really been any kind of close friendships online with the kind of people who shell out hundreds of dollars to “meet new people” at these events.
i am really cheap, so not only is it not really affordable to begin with, i simply can’t allow myself to invest without some kind of return on investment. that would provide me with an agenda as i paid hundreds of dollars, and the chance for real disappointment if i didn’t get exactly what i wanted.
that’s why i can just simply elect not to participate, for the comfort of everyone else involved, and because candy has no desire to walk into a room full of complete strangers, and watch the cliques form and she’s stuck with the online asshole that is me.
now, there are gatherings that are free to attend, and there are gatherings that have a small cost at the door per person, much more manageable, and without building up much expectation. the only problem with those gatherings is shared with the larger gatherings. there is a lack of interest to get to know people before or unless they actually attend one of these things first.
i have some fucked up perception at times, but this reminds me of a guy who doesn’t want to waste any time having to get to know a woman online before hooking up first. i am sure the ladies of a more feminist persuasion would love that argument.
much the same way, candy enjoys the online attention at times for being a ssbbw celebrity of sorts, but at the same time, it would be awkward and uncomfortable for her to enter a situation where the only attention she receives is from guys who wish they could fuck her, or women who pity her and want to give her advice to help her change because they used to be like her.
we went to hang out in a hotel room while an event was going on because candy wanted to hang out with just one person who was there for a bit. after candy got up to go to the bathroom, and her friend was off for a few minutes doing something, a woman walked up to candy and started sincerely talking to her about how she used to suffer like candy, and how horrible it was, and how much she worked to correct it.
i realize there is a natural instinct to be nice and helpful, but candy has had to remind me on many occasions about how offensive unsolicited advice can be, and this situation was not only uncomfortable for candy, but depressing, and further inspiration not to want to hang out with a bunch of fat people just because she is fat.
there are events in the past that candy has attended, but only because she was good friends with the organizer, so she got to hang out with the “cool kids” and she was protected from any possibility of being made a spectacle or being shunned for being super sized. it kind of helps when the group organizer is super morbidly obese herself, so candy doesn’t feel like the only one.
i know i was unfair in that group, i tried to contribute, but probably appeared kind of manic like i just wouldn’t shut up. this is after repeated complaints about how quiet members are. once i try to make conversation, every comment is followed by an empty box, until i come back and think of something new.
if i am talking to myself anyway, why the fuck should i be there? i could be typing here, and if i do that every day, this shit will eventually pay off in some way. this is the kind of agenda i should get behind.
that’s probably why i got impatient with myself and with the members of that tiny little insignificant group, and allowed myself to truly get nasty with people out of some need to burn out rather than fade away.
i did try to attend 2 different events on my own, to scout the waters of las vegas bbw interaction. the first event was called a “bbw take over” at some local bar. the bar was split into two main sections, and one was inhabited by people who obviously had nothing to do with the bbw thing. it was obvious in no time which section was designated for the bbw event, because there was nothing but rap music going, and a few women that seemed a little larger than the ones on the other side.
i mention rap music as it relates to bbw events, and have to take a time out for this little complaint. i might occasionally like to hear some house, or techno, like turning it into a mini rave for just a few minutes, but at this event, it was rap and only rap music. occasionally there was something popular in the dance category, but mostly, there were what sounded like independent rap artists that made references to “big women” repeatedly, usually making graphic sexual comparisons in the process.
there was a “booty meat” competition. sometimes i realize the very real handicap in being caucasian and having a preference for big butt white women. i can’t get away with telling a woman i like her big booty. black women will usually show off a big booty in a profile rather than cutting off all photos at the neck or maybe waist. that’s where i come up with a phrase i like to use, “white and uptight“. i totally understand how some people can have a racial preference other than their own when they just happen to be white.
i would not have really noticed that i was the only white guy there until i overheard one woman saying as she walked out “that’s the white guy“. it’s like somebody had a running bet on if any white guys would show up at all, and if so, how many. that wasn’t uncomfortable or anything!
that is connected to the second thing i showed up at. i always thought it would be cool to go to a fat strip club, or a strip club that had a fat/bbw night. there was this thing that a woman i have seen on a few websites was doing, and i went. i walked in, hung out at the bar, and this guy comes up to me saying “we’re the only white guys here!” ok, that was fucking uncomfortable. again, i hadn’t noticed it myself and it was not a thought that had jumped into my head, until this jabroni said it.
i was not really impressed by the dancers, except for one, julia sands. she is teeny tiny in my realm of interest on a physical or sexual level, but she was honestly the most talented woman there. most of the others just kind of walked around on stage with their pendulous breasts swinging, and it just wasn’t really attractive to me at all.
after that experience, i realize i would rather watch some of those women in pre-recorded content than ever see them attempt “stripping”. i am sorry for being so negative, but they were just not very good at dancing, the ones i let myself actually look at here and there. the one cutest girl there danced when i was outside getting high with the “only other white guy”, and that is what caused the cops to show up and harass some black guys later. cops are so freaking racist, and weed being prohibited is fucking racist, where is the naacp on that shit?
at the bbw take over event, the only person in that entire place that attempted to socialize with me was a skinny woman who pulled me onto the dance floor, and i think she was a prostitute. i managed to overhear the “white guy” comment because i was outside on the phone with candy, and a couple were leaving and walked close enough for me to hear that. it felt kind of racist to tell you the truth, but because of ‘white privilege’ i’m not supposed to feel discriminated against.
at the bbw strip club thing, i was still looking for a good weed connection, and one chance encounter at that place was vital for that to happen, but it was a guy i already knew from years before, who only came in to see one model for a private lap dance and then get the hell out of there.
i am still so grateful to him for that connection, because the woman organizing the event offered to sell me weed right there, but never followed through with it. she just wanted me to go to the atm to have money to tip dancers, and i wasn’t going to, because i was really uncomfortable with the whole strip club dynamic.
i had been to a strip club over a decade before, with a guy i worked with, because his girlfriend worked there. yeah, i was hanging with pretty interesting people long before the internet came along. it was only once, and nobody there hustled me for dances or anything, so i didn’t get the full experience.
at the strip club, the only people who talked to me were the guy i already knew, and the “only other white guy“, who talked about selling weed, but he never contacted me when i wrote to the email address he gave me. then there were the dancers, and again, i was just too intimidated and depressed by the over all energy of that environment that i could not bring myself to participate. i felt weird, like it would be deceptive to candy to let someone just dance for me, even though it might have helped to get a future modeling collaboration with candy if i had at least tried to tip and show some interest.
i felt weird and awkward, as if tipping someone would lead to an assumption that i was creepy or predatory. i never fully understood the whole strip club thing, and it probably has a lot to do with the fact that i have always chosen to socialize with women on a much more interpersonal and intellectual level. this tip for a show mentality felt deviant and primal to me. that’s ironic coming from a pornographer. being a producer of pornography, i control my environment, and i have decades of experience with the modeling dynamic as a photographer. the stripper and customer exchange feels too much like prostitution to me, which i believe should be legal, but i would never participate in it.
i had an agenda in going to those places, to “make new friends and meet new people”, and maybe see if anybody wanted to sell some weed. it turned out that the only person of any help to me at that time was one guy i *already knew* and candy begged him for the weed hook up via email days or weeks after that event. actually, probably the day after. thank god that happened. just like a game of grand theft auto, i had to hang out at a strip club to get my weed connection before i had the medical marijuana card. it took eight months to get that connection. yes, again, eight fucking months.
i really am grateful to that guy, and i should try to thank him online at some point, but it was no big deal to him, and he gets plenty of action to the point where he probably forgot even helping us out so much. 🙂
about the strippers that asked me if i wanted a lap dance, i was way too uncomfortable for that. even after 2 beers, a hard limit while having to drive, i was too inhibited to go for a “lap dance”. i did get to talk to julia sands, and again, while i have no fixation on her sexually, i admire her work ethic and her talent, and it would be awesome to get to work with her at some point. candy would probably be star struck and very uncomfortable though, so that may never happen unless candy goes for it, not me. 🙂
so, i was really aggravated about the woman at the strip club telling me she could hook me up with weed when she had no intention of it. maybe the cops showing up stopped it from happening, but it’s not like she ever followed up on it later. candy tells me she is probably a pill head who didn’t remember talking to me later in the same evening.
since i mentioned the naacp way back in this post, and something i believe they should look into, i should also mention how my main gripe with any attempt at social dependent size acceptance is in the group naafa. the national association for the advancement of fat acceptance. that group was created in an effort to raise awareness of size discrimination, but they quickly became more obsessed with growing membership and having “bashes” rather than doing anything having to do with raising awareness outside of the “pay to play” social group.
that shit is fucking classism. i know it’s easy for me to cry injustice in classism because i happen to be living in a controlled state of poverty. i don’t freak out about being “poor” because I am “poor on purpose” in order to be totally legally eligible for medicaid. i have done that as part of an experiment to see just how shitty medicaid is, and how many medical professionals attempt to fuck you up the ass when you have medicaid. that exercise in bureaucracy in and of itself took about three years. the first year was the year before obamacare even started, just seeing if i could regulate income at that level and actually live comfortably doing so. it turns out, in the third year, yes i can. 🙂
while i mention my distaste in the way that size acceptance was eventually used as a for profit social platform, it doesn’t mean i am against it because i can’t afford it. if i really, really wanted to participate in that stuff, i would make sure it happened. it took almost $300 just to get my medical marijuana card, so while i live in this regulated state of poverty, i was still able to achieve that easily. the point is, that investment is going to have a much higher return in personal pleasure and joy than attending a social event with a bunch of people i don’t know that i could not go to unless i paid hundreds to get in, or even nearly a hundred for both of us.
i watched as naafa basically disintegrated after the million pound march, where speaker carnie wilson would later end up being a living commercial for lap band, and convince countless women to endure this surgical experiment. one of those women was known by candy long before she ever met me, and that woman never made it out of the hospital alive.
now carnie wilson is probably having her third weight loss surgical procedure, because as long as it’s a celebrity, it’s not insane to keep doing the same thing expecting different results. it works so well i did it three times! what a fuck head.
i guess the name of this post, “agendas” was appropriate. i have given so much information already, and i feel like i could type for another two hours. this little exercise was therapeutic, because it prevented me from “day drinking”.
i will get so much more done and feel so much better to have gotten all of this out. this is obviously the proper medium for me to take out my frustrations with the state of affairs in everything having to do with fat socialization at this point in our history, comparing it to the past, and other failed experiments in the same vein.
now i am free from writing in inappropriate areas as well. this one little, or not so little post has given me insight into myself, my behavior, and my reasoning and perception of the world that exists around me that i only occasionally have to enter into.
I haven’t written here in a while, and as usual, I am procrastinating. Because I have been trying to be more creative, and less wasteful of the precious resource of time that I am lucky enough to be given here, I am trying to switch out bad habits for better ones. Instead of waiting until all of the overblown hype of the new year’s holiday, I realize that the best time to make small changes is now, not later.
I don’t have a lot of time, as usual, the combination of waiting errands and previous procrastination are finally catching up with me. The end of the year provides new deadlines, this year. I don’t believe I have adequate time or patience right now to get into the full extent of why I have been so frustrated with these changes.
It started with little things, like the new definition of obesity, and then the use of BMI to generate a blanket of obesity, or a flat rate of obesity. This added millions of new people to the category of obese, and news stories at the time reflected on how some people who are considered obese under the new system were actually very muscular. I think I probably see it coming, where those little things are going to add up to some much larger inconveniences later on down the line, when combined with the changes coming this very next year.
When I created obesiverse, there was a frustration with society’s blind acceptance of weight loss surgery as an alleged cure for obesity. I was growing more and more concerned with the way that people in general were starting to accept surgery as a standard course of action for anyone and everyone who was too fat to be pleasant to look at. Even those who rally for “size acceptance” would be forced to accept this new gold standard of personal responsibility. Forums, groups, and even social organizations would be forced through political correctness and involuntary linkage to warmly accept and even support anyone’s decision to endure this life and body changing process.
It is difficult for me to eloquently describe my personal feelings of disappointment as this process started to take shape. It started for me with Carnie Wilson, who marched with ‘naafa’ one year, and then opted to get weight loss surgery “on the internet” just a few years later. She would go on tour of the states, pitching this life changing miracle, even hitting my neck of the woods at one point. I would go to see her, and I would feel emotionally traumatized as I watched her on stage, mocking the people she marched with at the very event most of the people listening knew nothing about. She huffed and puffed in between shouting the words “fat and proud”, laughing out loud about “how ridiculous we all know that shit really is”.
Fast forward years into the future, and here comes facebook. The obesity obsessed sub culture that was once hidden away in forums with weird names was now thrust out into the mainstream, along with each and every other suddenly acceptable “sexual preference” under the sun. In the process, what used to be just one central obese social group splintered off into several. The irony in this, is that some of the legends of obese porn and erotica that once provided examples of super sized sex appeal looked different now.
They had become “thin”, or kind of close to it. They had fallen for the sub conscious sales pitch of seeing others finding their inner skinny chick and they themselves took the plunge. Because they were so much more active and consumed with something, anything to replace binge eating, they took their notoriety and invested it in creating obese social groups of their own.
I would try, very hard, to accept this inevitable trend and do my best to just ignore it. At first, I almost tried to jump into at least one ‘group’ because it just happened to be a group that meets in the city I happen to live in. I guess it was just “convenient”, and “why not?” Well, now I know why not. A part of me can’t get past the fact that there are people who don’t want to, but who will act as walking, talking billboards for a procedure that I still regard as experimental and cruel. While some people do have success with surgery, I don’t have to go over all of the past events of failure, like Carnie Wilson herself, who is currently involved in yet another publicity scheme to get her second weight loss surgery after post surgical refatting.
I don’t have to, but feel compelled to go into the 1-800-get-thin scandal, where the manufacturer of lap band cut off an entire group of physicians after the clinic they operated out of killed half a dozen people in the course of a few months. I don’t have to, but I would also want to point out that the manufacturer of lap band, allergan, has just successfully sold the entire obesity division to another surgical group, because the newness of the fad had worn off and the company wasn’t meeting projected profits… The whole 1-800-get-dead thing put a little kink in that “safer than last surgery” claim.
So, I realize that as I know all of this, and it seems to effect me on a level that makes it impossible for me to let myself get drunk and rant on facebook about it because I just get mean and belligerent. I will always see the surgery as unacceptable on a personal level, and I can’t just change that because it is politically correct to do so, or because the size acceptance sub culture warmly embraced it to a point where they include bariatric support within their networks. I can’t even participate in online groups or forums having anything to do with bbw events or obesity in general because if I get drunk enough, I am going to rant to such a degree that Candy is even more ashamed to have made the decision to come back than she probably already is deep down.
I will always see tragedy and irony in formerly fat size acceptance activists. I see it as ultimate surrender, with a touch of hypocrisy. I am supposed to be happy for someone that their life is better, that they are more healthy, but are they? Are they going to stick around for a decade or so, subconsciously encouraging countless other obese people to make this same decision as they aggressively sell their interpretation of “size acceptance”?
I remember way back in my late 20’s, when my initial exploration into the internet as an openly unashamed fat admirer, or sexual dimorphist, made finding plus to super sized women who wanted to “review sexual compatibility” much easier. First, it was easier to find larger women locally with the internet. I had the misfortune of not having cellphones or internet in my early 20’s, so by the time the internet came along, it was awesome that I would not have to spend hours as some kind of “fatty predator”, skulking around malls, supermarkets, shopping centers, flea markets, god forbid bars, and sometimes support groups… At some point I even placed one of those print ads in a weekly free paper. I wish there would have been digital photography back then! You would not believe just how bad the candidates were from the print ad…
The one thing I didn’t let myself get hooked by was obese specific social groups like naafa who held these huge giant fat parties way too far away to make them very appealing to me. I was lucky to live close to New Orleans, so I already had access to the occasional fatty tourist who wanted to get freaky on her vacation. I didn’t need to spend all kinds of cash on the traveling route to hunt fish in a barrel when just being under 40, thin, not too ugly, and open about the fat preference was already kind of like shooting fish in a barrel on a local level…
I always found it amusing, how many personal ads from women say “no booty calls”, but when they decide to put out because they are on vacation, it is basically the same thing. When a woman emailed me to say she was coming to my area and wanted to get together, I always had to wonder why she could not find a guy just like me wherever she was from. I realize now that distance actually adds to the allure for this type of woman, or guy. I always personally preferred having the option for future banging if I was compatible with someone I just risked my very life having sex with… 🙂 Yeah, growing up in the shadow of AIDS must have had some effect too… 🙂
In avoiding the sales pitches of a mutitude of bbw events, I did envy the occasional exposure to the “big players”, as an armature obesity photographer who always wanted to create sexually explicit obese specific imagery as my own personal protest against the fake, hypocritical, and two faced non sexual view of obese women. A fat friend with benefits once told me, “Fat chicks are like mopeds. Everybody wants to ride one but nobody wants to be seen on one.” I created content including myself in it to fight against this phenomenon on a personal level. I was just lucky I could make a few dollars in the process to sustain, encourage, and continue this work.
The formerly fat friend with benefits who said that memorable moped quote ended up having weight loss surgery too eventually. When Candy was gone, she came by once, after aggressively asking me about coming over to “get some”. Women seem to get really horny after losing some weight, and studies have attributed it to new found confidence. Wow… So they have to get fat and then lose weight to be easy, not just be fat and easy… Then, of course, they have to cling on to the fat admirers they know, because if the fat admirer was able to get it up when they were fat, the fat admirer should have no problem fucking a deflated balloon.
I find that personally insulting… I managed to perform, but it was not easy, because she no longer resembled who she was in the least. Of course she also had to be top heavy too. When she was bigger, at least her thighs filled out enough to match her breasts. When she lost weight, she lost the thighs, and kept the breasts… It figured… I have seen and attempted sexual intimacy with post surgicals, and it might not be “nice” for me to say it, but it is not pretty… I did not invite her to come back a second time.
Even attempting to find someone remotely like Candy would be trying, it would be hard. It would involve physical work, a lot of rejection, a lot of self discipline, and the ability to prioritize my responsibilities on a level that would sustain not just one person, but potentially two. I would have to turn down what I thought I wanted at times in order to remain true to the long term agenda. I had to pass up potential relationships with people who were charismatic and tempting, because they would never be able to help me create something that I felt somewhere in the back of my mind already existed.
Somewhere along the line before Candy ever left, I started to slip. I started to “give up”. I let myself enjoy alcohol way too much, and the more I enjoyed it, the more I neglected and lost sight of goals that I had set years before. As I saw the numbers of lap band recipients grow into the millions, I started to realize that cash will always win over the cure. As I saw what some would consider the gold standard of size acceptance warmly embrace, support, and encourage weight loss surgery themselves, “for health”, I realized that the world might not be crazy, it might be me.
A part of me would start to wonder why I would be encouraged to create anything, because even if i could create content that would never exist, someone else will eventually create something “close”, if not much better. The obese sub culture will continue to be convoluted into this mediocre social waiting room for the inevitable surgical decision, for those who can afford to make this horrible mistake.
Those who find success, and survive long enough, will continue to herd the cattle into these temporary staging areas before the slaughter. A part of me would grow so disappointed at the knowledge of what current events inevitably lead to. I deleted such a huge part of this blog where I repeated the phrase “shrink’em or kill’em” over and over because I thought it was manic and extreme. Now I am starting to think that our technically blessed society is trying to force a decision between being surgically altered in order to conform and comply, or remain subject to persecution and acceptable public ridicule because of one’s obsessive decision to remain obese. Of course the obese know that it is not a decision, and yet again, surgery is not a cure.
Candy doesn’t like to point it out, but she doesn’t feel like a real “part” of any obese specific “group”. Candy is uncomfortable identifying herself as a part of a group based strictly on physical appearance, as I find myself now, because one could compare this social phenomenon to white supremacists racists on a much darker level. I am surprised to realize, now that I am older, that obese specific social interaction is uncomfortable for me too, as a “fat admirer”, because I am under rules in that specific social situation that would not apply if I was operating out in “regular society” on my own.
I don’t rail against lap band because I would prefer that Candy stay super morbidly obese, I am against lap band because Candy and I both know that there exists a key to unlock her compulsive eating behavior that doesn’t involve the cruelty of stitching an adjustable, modified saline fake breast around her stomach. A dangerous, complication riddled procedure to physically restrict her from eating like some kind of electric dog collar to control behavior. Candy is better than that, I know it, and I had such high hopes that millions of fat people who have already done it would have been better than that too. If they could not resist the urge to artificially slim down, I continuously wonder, why they must adhere and cling on so desperately to the obese sub culture. Then again, that should be obvious. Money is at the root of all evil. 🙂
Because there is more quick cash in slicing fat people open than there is in providing obesity specific therapy, you may never see such a comprehensive form of obesity therapy introduced. That disgusts me on a level that seems to branch out into every aspect of weight loss surgery and obesity itself. This, in turn, seems to leech out into how I am somehow deeply disturbed when I see formerly fat “post surgicals” gathering up those fatties to have a great time at a big party.
Some twisted part of me compares it to mardi gras, where people party, pig out, get drunk, and go crazy right before this religious thing kicks in and they deny themselves something they really want. All the while, the master of ceremonies is a post surgical former fatty, not even consciously realizing herself that she is a sub conscious targeted ad, and this hypothetical party organizer is subjecting all of their loyal subjects to this “potential, new, thin, you”. Another irony is that the very people who can afford to run around to obese specific events are the very individuals who can afford to “self pay” for weight loss surgery.
Maybe it gives me some little hope, that I have seen a trend in the medical community to demand cash up front for weight loss surgery. They know the dangers involved, and while they claim in television interviews that they are getting ripped off by deadbeats, a part of me suspects that they sometimes don’t get paid by dead “people“… Demanding money up front has done two things. It has severely cut down on the number of obese people who will have access to the surgery in general, and it has also insured that there will always be a never ending supply of roly poly 20 somethings who will not be able to afford it, or just think it’s gross and weird…
It is scary for me to even imagine being 20 again in the age of the internet and a downward trend among my favorite type of fatty (trailer park) to have potentially fucked herself up with surgery. It’s still quite a task finding one who hasn’t pushed out a few puppies though. 🙂 If my choices are to finally give up alcohol completely or be single again, it looks like I will be smoking more weed. If it weren’t bad enough that I have endured the nightmare of trying to force myself to fuck a post surgical, I have also been taunted by finally seeing some formerly large breasts on a woman I knew from high school, after she had them surgically reduced… I never even got to see the “before”, and there she was, flashing me these nasty, weird looking things. That was horrible… Breast reduction on a fat chick just isn’t right either… I guess I am obsessed with all natural or something… Wrinkles, moles, zits, rashes, cottage cheese, flopping natural breasts, and all…
I can’t spend all day typing a bunch of seemingly random thoughts, but it has been more fun than I thought. The decision to stop drinking for a while, maybe permanently, is one of those little things that I can do to potentially bring about positive change in my future. It is so tragic and ironic to me that fixing obesity is not so different, yet it is the only compulsive behavior that someone somewhere figured out how to cash in on with surgery.
It should be no big shock or surprise that as a society, we are constantly trained to reject and condemn obesity. For a few years there, the media seemed to literally “binge” on obesity stories. All the while, the news stories about obesity were punctuated by commercials for diet pills, diet snacks, diet systems, and yes, what a surprise, maybe even a weight loss surgery commercial or two… We are not just being trained to hate fat people, we are being sold on the idea of hating fat people because there is just so much fucking cash to make on convincing them to hate themselves.
Sometimes someone in media will utter the phrase that obesity is the last safe prejudice, as some super morbidly obese person is being kicked off a plane with no alternatives given, or denied a job and told right to their face they are just too fat. Doctors get to play psychic, telling people they are going to die because they are deathfat, the media has something to talk about in between kids shooting up schools, and allergan walks away with a fat stack of cash after pushing all those chicken bones off their plate and dumping the “obesity division” after months of pushing it, haggling, and reducing the sale price… Allergan invented lap band, and like some kind of street level drug dealer, they had to cut off 1 800 get thin because they were killing people.
When I met Candy, she had issues with her body that were so extreme she told me she would look in the mirror and fantasize about cutting her huge belly off. Maybe I have helped her, at least, to reach some self image threshold where she not only accepts her body no matter what it looks like, but she resents being expected to socialize with people based on her fat, instead of her “as a person”. Before, Candy was drawn into the whole bbw thing out of curiosity, at a point when she could not fully accept that aspect of herself. Now, there is very little interest for her to base her socialization upon something that used to make her uncomfortable but doesn’t any longer. Candy would rather demand the respect of peers among a group of people who could appreciate who she is, not what the scale says.
There are ways in which she feels that the “size acceptance community” is about as accepting as a television fat show trainer who encourages an obese person to lose weight and then shakes their head in disgust off cam and behind the “co-star’s” back at how they could have let themselves go to that degree to begin with. There are ways in which Candy has felt “too big for size acceptance”, because she herself knows how she has felt internally when she was smaller and she interacted with a woman of her current size.
This reminds me of the way I developed a strategy for seducing a super sized woman where I worked hard not to compliment any physical aspect of her look that was fat, or fat related. Compliment the eyes, the hair, the smile, the expressions she makes, her personality, her laugh, anything but how big, fat, huge, and fucking amazing her ginormous ass and roly poly thighs are…
Candy has reminded me how effective it was to have complimented her eyes when seeing a photo of her. I was lucky that she was so aggressive at the time, because very mild, complimentary assurance had her spilling exactly what her body looked like to me on the phone before I ever got to meet her in person or see a full length photo of her.
If I were to have immediately objectified her, based on physical traits that she was already uncomfortable with, that would have made her uncomfortable instead of being “assuring” or comforting. I see it all the time, guys trying to lay it on so thick with a big woman thinking it will impress or lure, when it actually has the opposite effect.
This, in turn, helps me to realize yet another layer of cheese over this shit sandwich of size acceptance that I get so passionate about while nearly black out drunk that I have literally embarrassed myself on facebook. If I had to restrain myself from objectifying someone as aggressive as Candy to help insure I would meet and eventually seduce her, why would people assume that obese specific social groups would be appealing to someone like me, and in turn, someone like Candy? I remember, a long time ago, someone asked me why I wasn’t itching to get all up in the bbw stuff when it was literally less than 3 miles away from where I was at the time. Back then, all I could tell them was that I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something about it just bugged me, and I was not drawn in like one would expect someone of my intensity to be drawn…
From the very beginning of my relationship with Candy, both of us lurked and lingered around the periphery of all things fat, because of this “linkage” thing that I brought up earlier. Now I can use a fancier analogy like quantum entanglement to describe how inevitable it is that both of us would be connected in some minor way to almost everything and everyone involved in the business of “obesity”.
I could have gone two ways with that, obviously. If I was capable of even faking a sociopath behavior, I would have fit right in with all of it. I would have been right up in the middle of it, anxious and eager to “do something” to prove to the world that the phrase “fat and ugly” is subjective, and not factual or generally applicable in this reality, at least while I exist.
Developments in the world of obesity, or the obesiverse, if you will, brought about a kind of weakness. The empathy that I felt for decades while I watched this one and that one die after this or that surgery started to turn into something else. In some kind of emotional self defense against feeling for those who didn’t know any better, or those who were taken advantage of, I let myself get a little darker, more morbid, and more intolerant to each and every attempt to revise yet another disgusting surgery and make it look “safer this time”.
The disgust with liberal politics and the uneven and unfair distribution of personal responsibility started to disturb me even further, because liberal and conservative slanted media outlets all sell weight loss surgery of some kind. The same news channel that blames some mysterious and alleged “pimp” for every prostitute’s drug habit will sell weight loss surgery and shrug off our society’s failure to teach people how to eat as a personal failure and a lack of respect for all of society. How dare you stay fat? You are fucking it up for everybody!
While a surgically thin formerly fat person can round up the herd and involuntarily show off how awesome it is not to be fat anymore, I remain astounded not only by the irony, but by what appears to be a total and complete acceptance of this phenomenon as if it doesn’t exist. The shrunken elephant in the room, or at the party.
Maybe creating super morbidly obese graphic pornography was my only and most potentially extreme statement against something I noticed a long time ago, and something that has proliferated much more now. I came up with the concept “the fatty exemption” based on how everything is just a little “different” in the obese realm, or the obesiverse.
For example, when I was younger, and I was scouring every source of 80’s porn I could find, on VHS, I obviously noticed a huge lack of this type of content in existence. There was some, but it was just a little “different”. For example, the obese specific content, when actually available at larger “mega porn outlets”, was in the “unusual” or “fetish” section. It took nearly a decade, almost before the death of VHS, before “FAT” had it’s own section in a big porn store!
Before fat got it’s own section, it was tossed in with “old” stuff, or “granny” if you will, and some other stuff, even “little person” porn… Yeah… Fuck all that dumb shit… Midget porn. I may not have known midget porn even existed if it hadn’t been thrown in with the fat stuff in the weird section… Wow porn has changed. Some of the 80’s to 90’s fat related porn would have one fat woman segment, and then an old segment, and then maybe a midget segment. I remember something from the early 90’s that had an old person and midget with the fat chick. They were fucking it all up all kinds of ways. Had I been old enough at that time and had access to the equipment, I would have produced what I produce now, back then.
That almost doesn’t make sense, but it does to me, so it stands. 🙂
When the internet thing really kicked off, porn sites came into existence as if they had always been there. Of course, back in 1998 when I got the idea to start a fat site, there were only a handful, and of course, they were “different”.
While I would see an explosion of digital porn content come into existence, I noticed that the bbw and ssbbw content was still kind of lagging. It seemed that a lot of it was “eating”, or huge women just sitting on guys, or a really big chick just kind of “swaying”, bending, standing, maybe if you are lucky, WALKING? Yeah, the fat stuff was different. There was some hardcore stuff, but it was rare. There were only a handful of super sized women doing the hardcore explicit stuff, so crazy me went out and discovered “lexi”… Then there was Nat, then there was Candy.
One thing did make it extraordinarily difficult and frustrating at times for me to find even 3 ssbbws over the last 15 years willing to “go there”. I was tempted by probably over a dozen awesome ssbbws who thought they could dip their toes in and then pull out suddenly and I would just forget all about that porn thing because they were so awesome… That would not happen. I probably missed out on even meeting at least a dozen or more notorious ssbbws because even if they had a few risque photos floating around out there, I could not be tempted by them to give up what a part of me must have genuinely needed to do, and needed to create.
Even now, there is still some kind of super nova of super morbidly obese female content being created and distributed out there. Most of it though, is still a little different, the fatty exemption in full effect.
I may have resented this for the longest time, because as a guy with surprisingly vanilla sexual appetites, the fixation on super morbidly obese females is probably the most “perverse” thing about my sexuality. I don’t need a super massive woman for some kind of twisted secret ritual, I just want to slide my erect penis into her well lubricated vagina, and if possible, catch it on cam… The size difference has no practical usefulness other than it’s mere existence as visual and additional physical stimulus. My hardcore work is like a graphic, twisted metaphor for each and every time some past acquaintance asked me “how do you get it in?” as some kind of joke. I guess the joke is on them. 🙂
I shouldn’t get so dark, but since I arrived at this point, and named this post before fully comprehending where I would decide to go, I might as well point out something relevant. The fatty exemption in the realm of plus and super size porn would not have been so glaringly obvious if I had been watching “regular” porn at all. In fact, I only recently realized the vastness of this difference when Candy pointed out her favorite types of porn. As I would occasionally see photo examples of what she likes on her tumblr, I realized something. The skinny porn chicks are not only tripping over each other to do porn, but they appear to be enjoying it so much more convincingly.
For example, I am sure there are a couple of skinny chicks who are popular in porn who have strict agreements about how and where the money shot goes down, but I have noticed that out of the many plus and relatively few super sized women who engage in hardcore porn, there are very few who ssbbws who actually appear to really sincerely be enjoying it. The biggest tell is in the reactions I have seen on the faces of some of the most popular bbw and ssbbw hardcore actresses during the typical money shot.
A few of them have it down, but it shocks me how badly a majority of the most popular ones handle that climactic event. I think I have used the metaphor “being sprayed with nuclear waste” when describing it to Candy. This is yet another example of the fatty exemption. Everything is different, it has to be, because super sized chicks are different, and from what I can perceive, the guys who are into super sized chicks exclusively are also “different”. I can only assume this by the way we are treated differently, even by the women who dare to interact with those of us afflicted with this preference for quick cash, or attention without obligation, or something.
It was really hard to go back out there into the dating world again after being with one person for so long, and under the circumstances, I felt as if I was not going to have someone remotely close to Candy’s abilities drop into my lap, ever. I knew that being my age, I would get lumped in with the old guys, and I would struggle in holding out for a woman who was even mildly compatible, acceptably charismatic, openly agreeable, digitally willing, and barely big enough for me to be interested enough to even work at any of it anymore.
I would be presented with available imperfection and unavailable potential perfection. I would experience what it was like, yet again, to be pursued for someone else’s agenda while being brainwashed into forgetting my own. I would be locked into another tug of war over individual power dynamics while struggling to determine if she was worth the time or effort. I managed to get a phone number on a super massive neighbor that I had seen here and there, only to meet up with her and watch myself, as if from the outside, scare the living shit out of her as I described exactly what it was about her impossibly fat body that drew me involuntarily to her.
I would get involved in a long distance relationship, then sabotage it for the benefit of “shopping local”. I would dive so deep into the use of alcohol that it would become an unexpected minor temptation once I decided it was holding me back and I actually want to quit using it entirely. I would know, with each waking moment, even as I attempted to get my life back together and move on, that without her, I never really would. Even if I somehow scraped up enough hope to imagine that I could do it all over again, using my previous accomplishments as inspiration, a part of me just wanted to give up because now I was older. It was one thing to endure such a tedious, uniquely selective process while I was in my 30’s. Once I entered the 40’s, it was a whole other world.
All strategy would have to be adjusted, because nearly all the available older ssbbws were going to be attached to kids, and while one would hope that a late 40’s or early 50’s woman would be free of such inconvenience, I was surprised in my few months of singleness to find at least one woman in her 50’s with a pre-teen somehow. Another mid 40’s woman had the “grown” kid, but still living with her. I became even more depressed at the phenomenon where being over 40 without debt and no attached children made me the perfect candidate to help raise someone else’s kids. Of course the two I mention hadn’t even hustled child support. Of course they hadn’t, they wouldn’t be talking to me. 🙂
Man, one of them had to be literally the most boring woman I have ever talked to in my entire life. She pointed out that she didn’t want to just mess around “anymore”, and she enjoyed sex, but only if it was part of a relationship. This was in the first 5 minutes talking. By that time, I already knew that I wasn’t really interested and she would be the one having to work to get me to fuck her. If that wasn’t enough, the very first woman that set up a meeting talked me into going to a bar, meeting her with “her friends”. Those are both exactly the two rules I have against meeting women out of repeated experience. Bars suck, women who always meet with friends are just, pussies. There is no other way I can describe it. I know it’s supposed to be “safe” and all, but hey, damn those bitches that actually set up traditional “dates” where a woman meets a man out in fucking public on her own, with her big girl pants on.
The one woman accomplished making me break two tried and trusted rules, and then she proceeds to stand me up. No, she didn’t say to be somewhere and just not show up. She begged and pleaded for me to go where she was going to be that night anyway, with or without me. Then she called to make sure I was on my way. When I get to the place, i wait an hour and call. No answer. I knew at that moment. I hung out, but it sucked.
To top it all off, this woman had lost a hand in an accident, and I didn’t really care, even though she had to point it out to me on the phone after I saw it in the photos… She was from “match dot com”. lol I never tried to write to her after she pulled that shit, but two days later she wrote an email to apologize, and I was drunk so I unleashed at least a half dozen of the meanest missing hand jokes I could come up with, cursed her out, and told her never to contact me again. She made be break 2 of my top rules, but standing me up without a damn good excuse just happens to be at the very top… Crossed off, cursed out, hopefully left crying… 🙂
There was a time I cursed this preference, to the point of fantasizing about being able to change it. I hated the fact that I was so limited by it. I hated the fact that odds and probability was working so hard against me, while people mistakenly assumed it should be so easy. The only ssbbw I was going to find as a divorced 40 something year old in a shitty apartment making just enough money on purpose with a fat porn agenda was going to be even more desperate than I was at the time.
I dated and seduced a hardcore christian, and a part of me wonders if I did it just to see if I could, with nothing else to do but survive and giving up on ever finding the perfect super fat porno chick, I would compromise, and date a christian chick with skinny thighs, no butt, giant breasts, who was under 250lbs. At the same time, I still held out some kind of sad, pathetic hope of finding “the next ssbbw hardcore model” when I came across a married chick who gave up the ID and signed a release, but she was freaking married, with a kid, and a small kid at that. She had no problem with modeling, but she was pathologically slutty, to the point where I knew there was something going on that I would never figure out.
That super size woman who modeled for me at that time was unavailable, even if she made herself totally available for modeling. Even if she had been available, I can’t imagine it could have lasted very long, because as usual, such an amazing body came with a confusing and somewhat vacant personality. Ironically, that is something not so different in the super morbidly obese world. There is such a thing as an “awesome body type”, and by chance, they seem to most often be just as fucked up as the skinny awesome body type counterpart.
Just as I was giving up hope, I somehow managed to convince Candy to come back, even when I least expected it. Even though I have gotten her to come back, she is never going to be quite the same as before she left, and by the same token, even if she is the only person in my mind who I believe that I want, I am not quite the same after my attempts to reject my super size preference. I don’t have the pro obesity bias that I once had. I don’t have the same degree of sympathy or empathy towards the root causes of size acceptance, like getting offended by fat jokes or the regularly occurring stereotypes in media that represent obesity.
I know that I have not resolved some issues, because there would not be a 2 year gap in the updates to two of my websites since a very specific time period if I had. A part of me still resents the preference, but not because I lost Candy, or how difficult it would be to ever find someone so perfectly matched to me and able to participate in my work at the same time. I resent it because the higher part of myself knows that this is all unsustainable. The website model is unsustainable, Candy’s mere size is unsustainable, and her behavior is unsustainable.
Because I am a caregiver, I am given the unique perspective of seeing physical limitations that the outside world would not see or even imagine. Even under those circumstances, a part of me insists on obsessively doing some type of hardcore content, even if it is not as frequent as me or Candy would prefer, if just to prove a point. As difficult as it is to be that fat, and as difficult as one could imagine it would be to capture it, I still do so, and will continue to do so. In my world, there is no fatty exemption. In my world, when you choose to do something, you should do it to the extreme. In my reality, super morbid obesity is not a categorization that provides special privilege to make crappy or just weird content that creates the assumption that all sexual dimorphists get off on seeing fat with no sexual context.
If skinny chicks can do it, super morbidly obese chicks can too. I know it should go without asking, why obese porn seems kind of cheesy and lame compared to skinny porn. I know my stuff is amateur, and cheesy, and I myself enjoy creating alternative content like eating if she is going to freaking do it anyway, but I could never have limited myself to only that. I would never have been satisfied with walk, turn, stairs, sit, end clip. I don’t even get off on lesbian content because there is no penis to base mirror neuron fantasy penetration on. 🙂
I spent my life sacrificing potential encounters with women who I knew could never really “give me what I wanted” in favor of finding just one who could, or would, who actually kicks ass doing it. While I am grateful that I have somehow magically re-created this partnership, I am amazed that my obsession with occasional intoxication allowed me to put myself in a position of slowly, gradually losing it all over again. I haven’t written in a while, and there are probably errors, mistakes, grammar issues, and an inability to remain on one train of thought. At the same time, I feel as if everything I have been able to write came from notes that I was taking while I was so drunk I almost can’t remember them.
The fatty exemption probably has a much deeper meaning than even those that I compulsively typed out in this post. The fatty exemption applies to me too, in ways that I have simply run out of steam before exploring.
I will point out, after I was ready to stop writing already, that during one of my drunk rants against weight loss surgery on facebook, someone attempted to defend weight loss surgery as a “last resort”. I was already long logged off, and Candy was reading what I was ranting about, and she told me that someone responded with that incredibly lame argument. I want to respond here, even though I don’t know what was said about it, because while I was sober I logged into facebook and deleted a bunch of shit without really looking at it all because each introductory comment was just so fucking drunkenly offensive. By making the last resort for health argument in defending weight loss surgery or the decision to have it, one is assuming that weight loss surgery is the “cure for obesity”. It is not. If it were, there would not be any fat people left, because our society is so obsessed with eliminating it that they would probably subsidize the surgery for anyone over a specific BMI.
Weight loss surgery is not a cure for obesity. It is not a cure for anything. It is the only body modification in existence to treat an addiction. The fatty exemption applies in all sorts of ways. Fat is the last safe prejudice, because it is so profitable to berate and insult people into getting cut on. If weight loss surgery is a last resort to save someone’s life, I have to ask why that 10 or 20 thousand could not be spent on intense addiction therapy, much like ‘rehab’ but for fat.
I don’t really have to ask though, because I know the answer. Therapy of obese people could never be as profitable as surgery, because you have to institutionalize them, and you have to hire people to take care of them. Hiring people to take care of institutionalized morbidly obese people can be tricky for a number of reasons. The increased risk of injury, the eww factor, potential liabilities, and having to be careful not to hire perverts like myself to bathe massively fat women and get paid, are just a few concerns.
The truth is, in this capitalist, commercial society, is to keep producing images of what everybody should look like, then insult and ridicule people who don’t meet that standard so they spend cash on a dangerous surgery that they themselves have no real way of knowing the dangers or feelings involved until they are stuck with it.
I would argue that there is no such thing as weight loss surgery as a “last resort”, unless that last resort is to stop one from expanding their body to the point where losing weight will make them look like more of a freak than just staying fat. So, my point is that all weight loss surgery is elective and cosmetic. There is no health benefit from risking one’s health to improve one’s health. All surgery carries the risk of potential death, there is a story in the media right now about a child who died after having tonsils out.
The only reasonable “last resort” for a super morbidly obese person who is actually in danger of dying instead of just being freaked out because some allegedly psychic doctor said they were going to die, would be fat rehab. Fat rehab is just a big huge pain in the ass though, apparently and literally…
The truth is, just like addiction, obesity can never be ‘cured’, and the general public has been sold on this idea that surgery is a cure for it. Because it got so popular before a couple dozen people died, the general public assumes it is “safe and effective” because that’s what the commercials on television say. We all know that most people are ignorant sheep who believe everything they hear on television. If they are told over and over the weight loss surgery is a cure, they take it for granted, without having done the research that I have to know about all of the lives that have come to a premature end as a result of this “last resort” for their health…
It has been quite a while… Even now, I want to do something else, so maybe for once, I can keep it short and sweet…
I have been drifting off into never land with all my wild thoughts and potentially irrational assumptions for a long time. I have decided that I may have to return to this activity, even if a part of me wonders what it is all about after I have created hundreds of posts that are tens of thousands of words long, and then delete all of it and start over again…
A part of ‘this place’ is going to be about ‘me’, and another part of it is going to be some serious shit that I seem to come up with involuntarily and almost compulsively bombard Candy with to the point where she literally has a head ache… I need to put it here, and stop giving Candy migraines… And, stop bugging people on the face book… 🙂
I have had a ‘bug up my ass’ for a very long time about the ‘weight loss surgery’. I have read extensively, comprehended partially, and asserted my opinions rather randomly, for a long, long time now… None of it seemed to really make much sense probably, and I was too lazy to even go back and re read any of it myself. I am sure I would find some of it brilliant, some of it stupid, and some of it just drunk rambling nonsense… None of that matters now, because it is gone… All of it… Maybe a part of me thought it was such shit that I had to start over. I believe a prior post addressed the possibility that I created it all just to delete it years later and confuse the fuck out of anyone who even noticed any of it was going on at all…
I have googled the term “forced addiction transfer”, and I welcome you to do the same. It is ironic, at least to me, that as I google this term, I am ‘obesity biased’ because of my prior experience and rather confusing sexual fixation on super morbidly obese human females. It should have come as no surprise that as I attempt some feeble research on the seemingly random string of words, I find several references to weight loss surgery.
I thought for a second I might be re-inventing the wheel, and I would have found some result, somewhere in that very first page, where those words were strung together, and google would even provide a convenient bold type on those words and a short paragraph before and after them. As it turns out, that wasn’t the case. Maybe if I dug just a little deeper before bragging about my discovery on face book, I could have found other connections to this phenomenon that have been very well documented and carefully considered in some random ‘fat blog’ somewhere on the internets…
I saw ‘junk food science’ come up, of course, a professionally written, beautiful in all of it’s effort and eloquent in the writer’s style and thorough investigation. Of course that writer would dive into this topic, because they are such a logical match of psychological phenomenon. My own issues with self discipline, self control, addiction, and compulsive behavior would help me to understand more about what the words “addiction transfer” actually mean, from a very real perspective of experience and pain.
I may have written about and deleted previously issues that I developed when I became worried about the legal liability of using one drug and subsequently switched over to a more legally acceptable one. This would have pleased ‘society’, but unfortunately, the woman that I consciously or sub-consciously choose to love would not be able to handle this change on a deep emotional level. Her prior experience with users of this legally accepted alternative caused her great emotional distress, up to and maybe beyond what one would call “PTSD”. What was worse than her having this condition was her own lack of understanding of it. If she could not get to the bottom of what was making her such a bitch, all I could do was evolve, adapt, and attempt to compromise.
There could be no compromise between two people who both refused to give up their ‘drug of choice’ just because it was emotionally inconvenient for both of them… This caused much greater pain and tragedy for both parties, and I acted out in ways that I have not experienced for over a decade when I felt someone ripped me off and stole my money, my credit, and my very “artwork” for a year’s time. Of course, later I would realize that all of that mess was my own fault because of my bad decisions and young dumb judgement… I paid, I learned, I matured, I moved on.
One day while watching Dr. Phil of all people (it’s almost painful to even type it), I saw him say that you can’t break a bad habit, you can only replace it with a constructive activity. The way I interpreted that was, the ability to switch over from one bad compulsion to another bad compulsion is “addiction transfer”. Switching over from one negative compulsion to a “good” one is thought to be “breaking a bad habit”. It is painfully, blatantly obvious that in order to really solve all those issues entirely would be to figure out exactly what about the human mind causes some people to be more compulsive than others, and then, how do we specifically address compulsive behavior and “addiction” without being clouded by greed and a desire to mold the media’s message in a way that we create a “rehab society”. Rehab from sex addiction, rehab from drugs, rehab from behaving badly.
It troubles me to know, deep down, that this rehab society has turned to the “dark side” where obesity and the compulsion of over eating is involved. I realize that there is so much more money to be made so much faster by cutting someone open rather than digging into their mind. It is also painfully obvious to me that the total lack of interest in digging into the ‘obese mind’ is due to the fast cash to be made by desperate people who are willing to have perfectly healthy organs cut out and altered in order to control behavior.
In my personal experience, as I sit and type this, I am stopping myself from wasting time entirely by playing a long, complex, and involved video game. When I decide to sit in that game, I am stopping myself from bombarding some useless and pointless face book page with random thoughts. When I am particularly distressed, this behavior can even begin to creep onto others with emails and little posts on this or that “thread” of conversation that I am not really invited to join. In doing all of that, I would also inadvertently be avoiding the thought of drinking alcohol, because I seem to really enjoy getting intoxicated on alcohol just past the point where my partner is comfortable. The ‘compulsive’ aspect of my behavior is simply that I won’t restrict myself from it’s use entirely, but when I do allow myself to have it, I know there is a certain point within a certain level of intoxication where I will want to consume more than I set out to before I started drinking to begin with.
Candy would argue this makes me “alcoholic”, and I could agree that this is a problem. At this same time, I am not physically dependent on alcohol because of several reasons. It is not my “drug of choice” to begin with. It is a drug that I turned to in an effort to use “addiction transfer” in a positive way to reduce the legal liability of using my real drug of choice, which is a plant, which is a true tragedy in and of itself considering that it is not physically addictive. I do not have a “craving” for alcohol when I do not have it in my possession, but when I do get it, I tend to get enough so that I will have two “doses”. The internal test once I have it is if I can stop myself when under it’s influence from digging into that second day’s worth, eliminating the second day’s total potential effect, and therefore, taking the second potential day of it’s use away from myself in the process of violating a rule I made for myself while sober.
I realize that this is very similar to the way that Candy gets chinese take out. She would typically buy enough to have two day’s worth. The problem is, she would actually consider having two huge servings on the first day, and maybe just a little left over for a second day. Candy can’t get the same “rush” on a subsequent day because she will always consume more than half on the first day. While she makes the accusatory assumption that I am just “an alcoholic”, she is engaging in the very same behavior, and over time, this behavior would contribute to her potential immobility, and shortened mortality.
When considering “addiction transfer”, and my own ability to guide my compulsive behaviors into activities that could be more constructive, positive, and beneficial for my own future, I have to consider that my addiction transfer “technique” is voluntary. When I consider just how many things I have turned to in order to satisfy some compulsive behavior to do something “too much”, I realize that there is no one substance or activity that could “be enough” to ever really solve the appetite of the compulsive mind. The simple realization of this helps me to guide that energy towards areas of my life that need improvement, and obviously self discovery.
In a way, I realize that my recent use of the phrase “automatic addiction transfer” seemed to switch on a light, and give me ideas about how “rehab tech” has remained the same forever without having to evolve for the changing marketplace of “brand new addictions” coming along left and right. Abstinence is the only conclusion by a rehab society in a phase of our history where obesity is the new “moral panic” for whatever reason, and the media creates more and more obesity hysteria as they cash in on advertising products meant to “help”. All the while they ignore one inconvenient pathological factor to obesity, ad 36. The “fat virus” that you never hear about on the news as you hear people rant about obesity on a daily or weekly basis. That is another post entirely, but it kind of fits in, as I am already tempted to wrap this up, but realize it is way too in depth to cover “right now”.
I am lucky that I was able to fight any form of compulsive eating behavior from an early age. I was “chubby” when I was a kid, but I started working from the month that I turned old enough to work, and that amount of activity and a few small changes helped me to reach what would be considered an “average” weight. There were several motivating factors for this, the very first would be “girls”. Because I realized at an early age I was attracted to women who are “larger” to say the least, I felt that I should make myself as physically appealing as possible in order to increase my probability of successfully meeting and of course fucking some really big fat chicks in my life.
Until I reached a certain emotional plateau, I didn’t realize that my super fat sexual conquests were actually compulsive behavior as well. Even through three marriages, I never met someone that I could really place a deep emotional attachment on until I was in my 30’s. Once that emotional attachment took place, I could voluntarily become monogamous even though I had the option to remain in an “open relationship” like some old creepy “swingers”.
I just didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t enjoy searching for, flirting with, seducing, fucking, and filming other women anymore. Once there was a real emotional connection to someone I had never felt, everything changed. I would still be afflicted with other compulsive behaviors, but screwing any big giant fat woman who let me would no longer be one of them. I believe that was a form of “automatic addiction transfer”, because I went from one compulsion to fuck all kinds of fat women and film it all to put on my website, to a much darker, much more difficult, and much more emotionally tedious and impossible task of really pleasing just one woman.
When I came up with the idea of “Forced Addiction Transfer”, or FAT, it was out of frustration and the great sense of pain I feel when I realize that people who modify their otherwise healthy, working, cancer free internal organs in order to change just one compulsive behavior are being used as test subjects in order to embrace forced addiction transfer as a viable way of extracting money from obese people. Notice I did not say “as a viable way of curing obesity”, because the cure for all obesity is in the head, not in the gut. People who dig in our heads are very expensive though, and they take a long, long time. Bariatric surgery is so much cheaper in the long run, yet it obviously has greater profit potential up front. Surgery is to make money, not to cure obesity.
Surgery creates what I believe is an inhumane psychological condition of forced addition transfer, or FAT. This is why it is so well documented that many post surgicals become alcoholics, or drug users. Without addressing the underlying causes of compulsive behavior, it appears to me, an uneducated “sexual dimorphist”, that initiating forced addiction transfer through any surgery that restricts natural ability to “eat” is simply piling on. This creates an even more intense need to fulfill the compulsive behavior through another avenue. The choice will probably be made early, in the first few weeks of adapting to having a compulsive behavior that cannot be fulfilled without greater pain, misery, suffering, complications, and maybe even death.
This is why in my opinion, any surgery to address compulsive behavior is going to have horrible long term effects. These effects will not simply be felt by the ones who have had the surgery alone. The singular decision to have surgery will effect everyone connected to the individual, because all acquaintances will be forced to adapt along with the individual to this cruel experimental rehab technique. We live in a rehab society that survives through it’s consistent message of abstinence. By selling people surgery as a “cure”, we are telling them that they are beyond all hope of psychological help in addressing their underlying compulsive behaviors. Because they are both the perpetrator and the victim, they must be punished, even if it means executing the cruelest possible punishment on one’s self.
If the entire rehab model works on abstinence, it is particularly cruel from my perspective to encourage people to become “surgical anorexics”. While I watch media, I pay particular attention to those who attempt to discourage anorexia with a straight face. If we live in an abstinence based rehab model society, then we must encourage the super morbidly obese to become anorexic to “fix them”, even if it means forcing them to become anorexic through surgery. I don’t know about “most people”, but I think all of this is sick. I have to hope that my own obesity bias doesn’t contribute to a feeling that I was more right than I ever wanted to be when I saw this strategy as “shrink’em or kill’em”.
I have been typing the words “obesity conspiracy” a few times on face book here and there as well. While that is a topic that could not possibly be covered in just one post, I would like to associate this one issue with that larger “system”. While it is easy to dismiss anyone who hypothesizes the existence of any alleged conspiracy as a complete nut bag, there is so much data to suggest that “something is going on behind the scenes”, that it is almost impossible to ignore. It goes a lot deeper than medical device manufacturers that made a whole lot of quick cash and now want to sell the obesity division because the profits are down after this “low mortality rate” surgery started killing people one after another in Los Angeles a few years back. I’m sure they would not mind dumping the division before all the class action suits come in as well. After a few more years passes, they will.
Forced Addiction Transfer theory is very real, and it started from the minute some surgeon figured out that he could cut out some guts, make some cash, and the “patient” or “test subject” would lose weight. For as long as this type of human vivisection has existed, studies to figure out what happens up to five years after having surgery were only just recently released. The results were not quite as “cure” as the medical community wanted, and that is why you have seen the effort to sell surgery toned down considerably. It still exists, but now it is limited to those who can “pay up front” and those who are not paying at all. The ones who are not paying at all have much higher rates of complications and death, because this is just the excuse a doctor needs to eliminate one more social security recipient. Sad, crazy sounding, and hopefully for all of us, Not true at all…