I wonder myself sometimes how everything that has happened has actually happened.  The thought of Candy leaving twice, and my going literally insane both times is such a weird set of memories to process.  I know that there are times that I still experience the anxiety I felt at that time out of the blue, with no additional stimulus required.  At the same time, when real shit is doing down in my life I tend to use another type of anxiety to motivate, inspire, and push myself into doing what needs to be done.

There are times I have had some pretty heavy duty shit going on, like having to pull a huge, heavy fuel tank off a big ass van to replace the fuel pump, or pull the dash apart to replace an automotive computer.  Those two things were just last year, and while I do consider myself a hobby mechanic, both of those jobs were things I had not done before, and I had to face a certain type of anxiety in order to successfully complete both of them, and still have working transportation that is paid for, and amazes me to this day that it is still going.

The biggest obstacles I have come across in my life never came anywhere near the level of intensity I felt when I lost Candy.  It was as if everything in my life before those events meant absolutely nothing.  All the accomplishments, all the hurdles overcome, all the disappointment, all the pain, none of it meant anything when I lost the one person in the world that I felt I loved more than anyone or anything else.

I literally wanted to drink myself to death.  I went online and I started to reject everything I held dear all of my life.  I started to become the absolute worst troll that even I had ever come across in the realm of ‘SSBBW’ or super size big beautiful women.  I would not lash out so much at individuals, except for a very small handful of people who were directly involved, because they cared enough to save Candy from me if I wasn’t making her happy.

I would go into every fat specific area of the internet I could find to bitch and raise hell about how I should not be attracted to women who look like this.  I should not be in such pain because I chose someone to love who would leave me.  I was lashing out partially because I was severely intoxicated most of the time, but also because I was hurt deeper than I had ever been hurt in my life.

I am still resolving feelings of guilt over how I acted.  I have apologized over and over to one person who was mature enough not to take any of it too personally in the first place.  I have wondered what must be going through the minds of people who Candy met and interacted with while she was gone, only to run back to me, after previous accusations of abuse.

We were in a destructive, abusive relationship for at least one or two years before the point where she left, but we didn’t realize it, because there were circumstances that Candy wasn’t fully aware of that triggered negative behavior in her.  When Candy and I met, we were both potheads.  She had what amounted to a near allergic reaction to alcoholics.  She had previous family history with alcoholics, and she herself feels as if she went through a period of alcoholism in her earlier years before we ever met.

When I made the brilliant decision to stop smoking pot and start drinking in it’s place, that created an environment where I would start drinking in the evening, and as I got more and more intoxicated, Candy would grow more and more anxious and upset.  If I were to talk a little too much, or about the wrong subjects while intoxicated, it would give her the reason she was looking for to just “go off” on me.  I had a great deal of restraint, after being through everything I have been through back in Florida with Alexis, so I would let it go.

There were just a few times when I would have gotten upset along with her for being upset, and I would allow an argument to escalate to a certain point.  Then, I would get tired out from being drunk and just want to quit arguing, usually before anything significant happened.

One evening, things did get really intense, and rather than cooling off and calming down, Candy made a snap decision to take off.  She wasn’t just leaving for a day, or a few days, she was packing a back to move out completely.  Because she had just done the same thing a few months before, I started to reach a point where I didn’t want her to come back.  I had been so hurt by her leaving the last time, and so excited when she came back, that watching her leave yet again would have me telling myself that I didn’t deserve that shit, I was over it, and I can’t be in love with someone who leaves me over little shit.

For the first few weeks she was gone, she had probably intended to come back all along.  Because I entered this mindset of believing I didn’t want her back, I would allow myself to get drunk and log on Facebook to rant and rave about how shitty it was for her to leave the way she did, and how she was “not a good girlfriend” if she was going to use this tactic of leaving me to control me.

At one point, maybe 2 and a half weeks in, I got so drunk that I posted some really horrible shit on Facebook, where instead of complaining, I started getting highly insulting.  At that point, any thought Candy had of coming back started to evaporate, and instead of getting her back sooner, I pushed her away for even longer.

After about 3 months of doing nothing but getting drunk every single day and passing out, I finally decided to get back out there and try to meet people.  The first attempt was this woman in her 20’s who I talked to on the phone.  She acted like she really wanted to meet right away, so she suggested I go to some bar to meet up with her.  She totally stood me up.  I tried calling her, no answer, of course, she knew what she was doing.

I will never forget the drive home from that place, how depressing it was, and how everything I passed on the way home reminded me of being with Candy.  I was reminded of how much I loved and missed her, and I was hurt so very deeply to have the first moment of encouragement turn out to be another taunt by life itself.

I didn’t try to contact that woman, but a few days later she sent me an email trying to apologize.  I basically cursed her out, told her how useless and pathetic she was for doing that to me, and I told her not to contact me anymore.  I also wrote out at least 3 pretty harsh jokes about her having only one hand.  I know that was totally uncalled for now, but it felt good at the time to do it.  She was writing me as if there was some big misunderstanding about the plans she had made with me.  She may have attempted to say she “chickened out”, but it didn’t matter.  She was already putting me in the position of meeting her “with friends”, which I absolutely hate doing.  Then, after agreeing to that really shitty scenario, she stood me up.

I stayed at that bar until around 1am, not because I had hope she would show up, but because I wanted to put myself through the misery of being someplace I didn’t want to be because some bitch lied me into going in the first place.  I wanted to absorb all of that negative emotion for as long as I could stand it, until I really wanted to go home and slam more vodka.

There was no giving up at that point though.  I had to meet someone.  Hanging out with old alcoholic guys was more depressing than being alone, and the more I was alone, the more time I had to act like a total dickhead on Facebook.  I believe a part of me hates Facebook to this day for giving me an outlet to make such an ass of myself.  I still get drunk and act stupid online, but I am not mean, depressed, and cruel to people.

When that woman stood me up on the very first date planned since Candy left, it reminded me of the long, hard road ahead in finding someone I am attracted to, who was available, who I could trust.  The person I was at that time would not allow me to find the “perfect woman for me” though, because I wasn’t myself.  I was lying to myself about not being in love with Candy and wanting her back, so I would naturally lie to myself about the kind of woman I would be truly happy with.

One woman was so physically awesome, and she agreed to model, and I still have yet to figure out what site I want to add her to.  It has been nearly 4 years since I took those photos, and I have yet to ever use any of them.  A part of me looks at that work as inferior because i was so very drunk most of the time.  Another part of me looks at that work and feels the pain I was in at that time.  Something has blocked me from using those photos, even though I have an ID, a model release, and she is physically amazing and impressive as a SSBBW.

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

It was awesome and amazing to meet someone so physically amazing and incredible.  I would have been instantly in love with her appearance with the hopes that her personality would not let me down.  She was unavailable though, of course.  She was available to mess around, but she was living in a situation that prevented any possibility of us being together.

This was another harsh reminder to me of the long hard road ahead in finding someone I could love like Candy.  The first woman to appear and actually come through and meet me would turn out to be someone that I would never have a chance of being with.  A woman who I could probably be content to be monogamous with for the rest of my life is just another fantasy.  Of course.

I didn’t give up though, I kept searching, and I reached another compromise.  There was one woman who was kind of aggressive online about wanting to meet up, but at the same time, she was a certain “type” that I was always hesitant to get involved with heavily.  I’ll just say it, she was a freaking “christian”.  She was eager to meet me though, and that seemed to be a rare occurrence for me in the online dating world, so I agreed to meet with her.

the christian bbw

the christian bbw

She was beautiful, and happened to remind me of someone from the distant past facially.  She had full, sexy arms, and DDD breasts, but she had kind of the typical “top heavy” figure, which has never been my total favorite.  Anyone who has seen images of Candy would realize quickly that her mass is more heavily distributed on the lower half.

Since as long as I can remember, there has been this thing about larger thighs.  In a previous post, I went into great detail about a theory that I have about being near sighted as a child and going years without wearing glasses.  I may have started to distinguish male from female by body shape more heavily than face, and because I had such an intense sexuality, I started to become attracted to larger and larger representations of visual femininity in the body.  I could recognize someone from a great distance before seeing their face by seeing their shape and even their walk.  I still do this, because I can recognize some people from a distance, looking at their back while they walk away.  I once picked out a woman I knew in a crowded mall on a Saturday from the second floor while she walked away on the first floor a great distance below and away from me.

Because of this, I have to admit even to myself that I developed a kind of “fetish” for large thighs.  I tried to overcome this, because I kept telling myself that I didn’t love Candy, I was no longer attracted to Candy, and I was not going to limit my potential sexual partners to women who are “Super sized” or super morbidly obese, who happen to have large thighs too.  That was too specific for my old, ugly, drunk ass.

I kind of settled, which is horrible, and I still feel guilt over how it hurt her when I had to tell her Candy was coming back.  I settled on her being religious, her being top heavy, and her being kind of distant and controlling herself.  It’s not like I wasn’t attracted to her, because at her size, with her shape, I could do things with her that I could not physically accomplish with Candy, ever.  She could literally ride me to the point where I was struggling to control climax.  Having those pendulous breasts swinging in my face while she gyrated on top of me was something that was kind of “new” to me, and it was literally amazing.

I know that sex is not the only thing that can keep a relationship together, and while I was still fixated on my preference for large thighs, I would end up cheating on the christian in order to see and photograph the unavailable ssbbw.  One time they actually passed each other in the parking lot because I was such a bastard.  I can’t believe that I was able to pull off that kind of timing while I was so hopelessly intoxicated most of the time.

By the time I started to “date” again, I did reduce the drinking a great deal.  I also got a job, which surprised even me at the time.  I didn’t just get a job, I got 2 offers and had to choose between them.  I also pulled that off just weeks before it would have bankrupted me to pay rent before getting the first paycheck.  My timing does seem pretty amazing, even when I am impaired.

I must have been dating the christian for a few months, because it really hurt her when I sat her down and told her that Candy was coming back to me.  I had to also admit that I had been talking to Candy behind her back, and that I loved Candy all along, even if I was trying to lie to myself about not loving her because she left me.

All of this seems to have wanted to come out of me today because it has been a few months since I had to hurt someone else emotionally, when Candy thought she wanted to leave and somehow we managed to work it out yet again.  I thought there was no way that I could have met someone that I would be so fond of while I was still living with Candy, even if she was planning to leave.  Maybe the fact that she didn’t just eject herself much faster gave me some kind of ability to find and meet exactly the kind of woman I would want to be with after she was gone.

That hurt me this time.  I had a few months to get to know someone who is physically amazing and complex intellectually.  Because Candy was leaving yet again, I was giving myself an opportunity to find the near perfect woman while Candy was still with me.  Of course, the second I find one that seemed to be really compatible, and have real potential, it would be ripped away from me because I cannot resist the loyalty of my love for Candy, and she changed her mind yet again.

Being with Candy for over a decade, I have been through more emotional turmoil than ever in my life.  That is saying a lot, since I lost my very first SSBBW porn site in a divorce when I left Lexi in Florida.  I was so young and foolish and impulsive, and even way back then, I had a level of maturity to realize that I had to leave that situation or I was going to end up getting in more and more trouble over time.

I have managed to resolve a lot of my feelings about Alexis, and what I went through in Florida, but it still impresses me that I was able to walk away from “my baby”.  i cared more about that first website, fatfantasy.net, than I ever cared about Alexis, and that’s exactly why it had to be given up, to save myself.

me and alexis so long ago

me and alexis so long ago

Now I have to deal with unresolved feelings from when I was a total dickweed on Facebook while Candy was gone both times.  I have to deal with the guilt of how I treated all the people involved who were just trying to help Candy, and they didn’t even love her the way I do.  I still have issues with getting intense and typing too much in a place I shouldn’t be while I am somewhat intoxicated, but nothing reaches the level of pure crazy that I dove into while Candy was gone both times.

I had to break someone’s heart because I could not choose them over Candy.  Not just because of the time I have known her, but because the intense level of emotion that has developed over that time.  Now I have to deal with that too.  I’m getting better, not letting myself get as drunk as I used to.  I try harder to resist the temptation to log on to social media when I pass a certain level of intoxication, but sometimes it is just too tempting, and too satisfying.

Writing while intoxicated is something that I picked up as a kind of coping mechanism to deal with the loss and pain of Candy leaving both of those times.  For a period of maybe a year or so since being in Vegas, Candy’s decisions kept me in a kind of emotional stasis where I had to go back to those habits to deal with what I was feeling at the time.

It’s amazing, that Candy and I were falling apart because we were staying in different rooms during the day, and the little interaction she got with me was when I would bust into the bedroom ranting about something on the news or something I saw online.  I failed to see how just being apart from each other, even in the same residence, was slowly destroying our relationship.  It would seem so obvious to anyone on the outside, but I was blinded by my bias, my emotions, and my past experiences.

I’m getting better, I’m writing this on day 6 without a cigarette, or I should say a real cigarette.  I’m still using nicotine replacement, with the nicotine patches and an e-cig, only for use when cravings reach a level of intensity that make me want to give up and buy a pack of cigarettes.  I’m limiting myself to a 12 pack of beer over a 2 day period, trying to give myself a break for a day or 2 between 12 packs.  If I drink more than 6 beers in one day, I am limiting my future intake the next day, and I won’t let myself buy more.

I still get loaded and type, but now my mood is so different.  I’m dealing with a lot of shit, and a lot of unresolved feelings, but I feel as if I am slowly stumbling out of some kind of haze that I have been living in for the past 3 to 4 years.  It’s not just the alcohol, it’s the experience of how different I am and felt before I started drinking to begin with.   It’s not like I am a life long alcoholic, I just started using it seriously after 40, and I’m 46 now.  I used to hate alcohol because I knew it was put in place as a sedative to get people to stop doing ALL OTHER DRUGS, which is pure and total bullshit.

I’m not just for marijuana legalization, I believe that all kinds of psychedelics should be legal too, because humans were given this huge brain to use in ways that our current proper and prudish society are literally SCARED TO USE.  After reading authors like Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert, I realize that there is great potential and discovery in using these drugs to stimulate parts of the brain that were probably created because humans were doing that shit millions of years ago to begin with!  Of course, if you are a hardcore christian, you might believe there is no way this planet can be that old.  That’s why I can’t get along with christians.

I have read studies about using LSD to cure alcoholism, and there are times I have to wonder if I inflicted that horrible disease on myself just to figure out how to cure myself later.  I compare that theory to the way that I suspect some plus sized models have a goal point to reach before they get weight loss surgery and start the process all over again.

I have a lot of crazy theories, and none of the education required to truly experiment with them.  My most intense theories are the ones I have about how one develops a fat fetish to begin with.  That thing about body recognition and a need for a super feminine form is a pretty good one.

Ok, now I’m rambling, and going off course.  This post should have ended when I used the term “over a decade” out of respect to the title. 🙂