Closing in on tax time, having already “done the deed” and paid what I owe, I’m reminded of how the year really does kind of start in April for me instead of January.  I have had a slight anxiety about tax time since a few years back when I made the totally ignorant decision not to file for 2 years.  I was getting income without any W-2 or 1099-Misc, so I thought, “what they don’t know helps me.”

It wasn’t very long before that delusion was fixed by the realization that sooner or later, some other shit would get tied into taxes, and if you didn’t file, you couldn’t take advantage of certain opportunities.  Just a few short years later, after I had already repaired the financial damage of catching up, Obamacare was announced.

It was rough to catch up, because I had to print out everything from 3 years, because I was filing the 2 skipped years as I filed the 3rd year “on time”.  When I saw the difference in how much the year on time cost me versus each year skipped plus penalties, I realized how foolish it was to skip those years to begin with.  I considered just filing the current year and not saying anything about the 2 skipped years, but then the whole thing happened with “Wesley Snipes” getting busted for owing millions.

There was a freaky, weird combination of paranoia and intuition causing me to decide to file 2 skipped years as I finally acted like an adult and filed the current year.  There was also the fact that “clips 4 sale” uses a system of sending out a 1099-misc whenever someone makes more than $600 in a single year.  Success has it’s consequences.

I was lucky to make more than $600 in a year, but shocked to see that 1099-Misc come in the mail in early Feb.  At that point, it all hit me, that I was fooling myself, and that you can’t fool a data mining, privacy invading entity like the U. S. Department of Treasury and get away with it.  When I filed those 3 years, I did it in person, bringing paper returns in to an IRS office in myself.

I made a comment to the big beautiful agent who I ended up with that “I’m not going down like Wesley Snipes.”  She laughed out loud.  I also made a comment that there is no point in hiding income because the government knows how much you make already anyway.  All my income is “digital” and I’m sure that I am not the only one being made aware of each deposit from each company.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wesley_Snipes#Income_tax_conviction

I was so nervous about all that stuff, as most people probably would be.  Yet, I chose to put myself right into one of their offices, in person, and hand over tax returns from previous years in an act of surrender.  I kept reading that the IRS goes easier on you if you go to them rather than them coming to you.  That translates into something else that happened years after I caught up and continued to file on time.

When Candy was gone the second time for 8 months, I got to know a neighbor who started talking to me while I was outside smoking cigarettes that I no longer smoke.  His name was Kevin, and he worked as a carpenter, which also means contractor.  He was good at what he does.  I’ve seen some shitty carpentry, and his work was way superior.  He knew what he was doing, and he could get jobs with apartment complexes that were being remodeled easily.

He had made some friends with apartment management people who could provide him with regular work.  Even though he didn’t have a typical 9-5 job, he was a hustler who could go out there and find some kind of job just as he needed the cash.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t filed taxes in over a decade.  He had been working “under the table” here and there, but a few of those apartment complexes did issue him 1099’s because they were up to date on their taxes, and nobody is going to pass up the chance to write off payments to contractors as a tax deduction.  That’s where my buddy Kev got fucked.

He was so confident in his ability to get away without filing taxes, that he had an account at a credit union in his own name, with over $10,000 in it.  One day he knocks on my door freaking out because he want to his credit union to get some cash, and they told him that his account had been closed by the IRS.

Another irony.  I felt dumb at one point for giving up all the financial info that I did to end up with a tax liability that was pretty close to the $10,000 mark myself.  Luckily, I didn’t freak out, and I simply started a “payment plan” with them.  After just a few years of paying a bare minimum, there was only a little over $1000 left.  At that point, Candy was gone and I was having financial issues, so I called them on the phone, and I was able to request a “penalty abatement” right then and there.

Because of my positive payment history, and the fact that I had continued to file on time every year after, they actually took off $1000 of penalties, so I went from owing over a thousand to owing under just one payment with one phone call to them.

The lawyers on television that advise you not to talk to the IRS are real douche bags.  Those greedy, selfish cock suckers would have you pay them thousands of dollars to file an “offer in compromise” which the IRS turns down a vast majority of.  That means, you could pay a lawyer to file that one thing for you, and then the IRS turns it down, so now you still have to pay them the full amount plus pay that scum bag lawyer!

I could have tried an offer in compromise myself, but I don’t think it would have been accepted, because the first year that I started paying on those back taxes, I made more cash than I had in any year before or since.  I went up to nearly 29K in one year, which for me, is a lot.  I know that so many people would feel some kind of pity on me for living my whole life around the 20k per year range, but money doesn’t make me “happy”, life experience and growth does.

The request for penalty abatement is easier to get than an offer in compromise, and not to mention it only took one phone call instead of pages of documentation.  I didn’t really owe quite enough for an offer in compromise anyway.  That’s for the big hitters who get paid twice what I do every year and go twice as long as I did without filing!

When Kev lost his bank account, I started to suggest a few ways that he could hide his income in the future.  He had already considered some of those things, but he was in a panic about what to do “right now” and what to do about rent when it was coming up.  I immediately felt compelled to start avoiding him at that point, because a “friend in need” and all.  I’m so used to people going into “bum mode” when something like that happens, but I should have considered how Kev really is a hard worker.

Kev did bounce back, he got some job and started making money just in time, just like I did myself when I got 2 job offers just weeks before barely having rent in the bank.  The problem with Kev is, even though he started making more money, he already felt such a loss, that his hustling habits started back up.

By the time I left Louisiana, he had managed to beg around $40 off of me, which is a *lot* because I don’t give money out like a charity, usually.  He also owed me a little weed, but it didn’t matter by the time I was leaving Louisiana because I didn’t want to be traveling 2000 miles in a uhaul pulling my van holding on to a drug that could literally cause me to lose everything if I was caught with it.  At least, that was before getting the medical marijuana card, but then again, while moving, that card would be worthless in the 5 states that I would travel through on the way to Nevada.

Nothing justified the years of paying monthly on my back taxes like watching Kevin lose over $10,000, and not even want to approach the IRS to see if he could get that money back if he agreed to file all returns not previously filed and get on a payment plan to pay any back taxes owed.  When I suggested that to him, he looked at me and laughed, saying “I will never make enough money to pay them what I owe them.”

That’s what I may have thought myself at the time when I got hit with the letter from the IRS after they “evaluated” my case and gave me the bottom line figure that I would owe them.  It’s ironic that I talk about how adversity creates inspiration and motivation, because the year that I got that bill, I’ve already said I made more money than I had ever made, and more than I have made any year since then.

Now, I would be crazy to jack my income up over $20k, because I have to keep it below %133 of the federal poverty guideline in order to be eligible for medicaid.  Why is it so important to be eligible for medicaid?  Because, I realize that if I made $20k instead of less than $15.5K, at least according to the federal poverty guideline issued for the year 2014, I would probably not be able to afford insurance payments, prescription cost, plus paying estimated taxes all year so I don’t owe over $800 like I did this fucking year!

I was lucky because I anticipated putting out around $600.  I thought I had paid enough to only owe $500 by the time I filed, but the fucking self employment tax calculator I used was off by hundreds of dollars!

http://www.calcxml.com/calculators/self-employment-tax-calculator#top

Yeah, I thought I would owe $500, and because the first estimated tax payment is due April 15th, and I wait until nearly the last minute to file because I know I have to pay out, I was ready to put out $200 for the first payment along with $500 for what I owed.  Unfortunately, I owed $800 and still had to make a payment by the April 15th first estimated payment deadline, so I only paid $100 in estimated…

I am not paying estimated taxes quarterly this year.  That shit is too hard, because every time I am prepared to put out over $400, for one quarterly payment, some shit comes along and causes me to delay paying that much, and then I fail to catch up later in the year.  This year, I’m going to pay $250 or more per month, so by the end of the year, I will have already put up $2000.  That way, if my taxes are higher than that, it can’t be by much, and I will be able to make a full first estimated payment at the same time I pay off whatever I failed to pay for the previous year.

My expenses went down, my income went up for 2014.  That would normally be a good thing, but not in my case, because it bumped me up to the next higher tax table and I got hit with about $400 more in taxes owed than the previous year.  Just making an extra $2000 cost me more than $400 in taxes…  Not spending $500 in expenses this year that I spent in the previous year also raised income by that much too, which fucked me even harder.

The truth is, I am such a cheap bastard that I have been successful in my first month quitting smoking because I can’t bear to pay nearly $200 a month in fucking cigarettes!  Fuck nicotine, that shit is too fucking expensive!  Paying that money for cigarettes each and every month was throwing away some of the income that I am limiting to be eligible for medicaid!

Drinking beer also contributes to money loss over time, in what adds up to a shocking annual expenditure, but not nearly to the extent that cigarettes were.  The sad thing is, our wonderful, allegedly “free enterprise” system came up with this strategy of penalizing smokers with artificially raised cost in order to deter them from smoking.  Isn’t it ironic how the poorest of people cling on to such an expensive, self destructive habit?

When I started to seriously add it all up, it was so shocking to me that I was able to be bled so hard by taxes and then waste so much money on top of that!  I, like most people, would choose for years to be so lazy that I would have every ability and intention of adding up those little costs over time, but I would conveniently prioritize it so low that I would never get around to it.

It wasn’t until I started to add stuff up in my mind, using approximations about frequency that are probably remarkably accurate without going back to the receipts that I have organized into categories.  I could have simply started using a more thorough method of organization to put cigarette receipts in one envelope, and then pull it out after 3 months of accumulation to come up with a monthy, and yearly average cost.  That would have probably shocked me into quitting smoking right then and there.

I didn’t need a “new years resolution” to quit smoking, or to make my accounting method more purposeful and serious.  I have finally dumped my out of state checking account, so I can have all my income reflected in all deposits in just one account.  Lucky for me, the local account that I have now allows me to search for specific transactions over a defined period of time and actually provide a total at the bottom of the spreadsheet.

I won’t mention names of banks here, but the old bank had the capability of searching a date range for deposits, but they didn’t give a total at the bottom.  I would have to take a screen shot of that spreadsheet and then manually add up the numbers over a whole year with ‘calculator’.

The new account does it for me, so it’s one stop shop to see income total at any give time in the year.  This allows me to create a very distinct trajectory over time and give a pretty good estimate of annual income based on the first few months.

This is internet publishing, so amount of income can fluctuate based on effort put into the work itself.  The second one stops updating things, the money stops soon after.  The work basically goes “inactive” and people start copying it and putting it everywhere.  I like to say that all models quit, and when they do, the dating sites start using their images as spam, because nobody that attractive joins those dating sites.

So, instead of quitting smoking cigarettes as a new year resolution, I made a fiscal year resolution.  It’s not exactly the same time as a corporate fiscal year, it’s an idea that pops into my head when I consider my use of the title “the year starts here.”

Now, I have had the idea to not only stash business expense receipts into one envelope, why not use the 3 categories that I use the most?  Supplies, Repairs and maintenance, and Legal and professional services are the 3 categories that I have used consistently for certain things, and I maintain all receipts and notes on why those receipts are relevant.

I get so specific that because food is something used as a “prop”, I can’t put it into the Deductible meals and entertainment (see instructions) category.  It’s bad enough that I use “supplies” when it’s followed by ” (not included in Part III).”  The “meal” is being used as a prop in a mini documentary, so it is actually more of a supply, assuming props for production would go there.  It’s an item being used but destroyed in the process of creating a documentary which generates nearly all income being taxed to begin with.  It’s a full circle that somehow combines taxes with food.  Weird.

Because I would not want to appear to be abusing food as an expense, I keep all food receipts that are not used as props in another envelope.  If I were ever confronted about the use of a dozen or so food receipts as expenses, I would pull out the huge envelope of food receipts for the same year that were *not used*.  While the receipts for the food that was not used are irrelevant to taxes, being in possession of those receipts validates the relatively few receipts that are being deducted as expenses.

This strategy is what I call the “avalanche of paperwork theory”.  It cost me an ink cartridge when I was ready to verify my income to the department of welfare to keep my medicaid, and all they wanted was the 2 pages of the tax return that showed income and expenses.  Like they had to go compare it to the database they have stashed somewhere that shows what the government already knows I am making.

I’m not taking all of the assistance I could, because I don’t want to be dependent on any system that one political party wants to destroy so badly.  Oh, guess who?  I don’t have to bash conservatives here, I rarely get deep into politics unless I’m talking about drugs.

I really do need the help though.  Even if I made more, I would be paying even more taxes.  I am legitimately making under %133 federal poverty guidelines, but I still had to pay $2397 in “self employment tax”.  Yeah, I would pay less taxes if I made more money working at a fast food place…  That makes so much sense to me.

In a way, Obamacare is not free.  I am paying for my medicaid, because my income after expenses is below $15,000 a year, but I am paying $2400 in income tax.  I was prepared for just over $2000 because of that shitty online estimated tax calculator.  I was doing the whole year income after expenses, so it wasn’t like I was depending on it for the quarterly payments.  Now, I don’t want to make quarterly payments because a monthly bill of $250 or more is more manageable than coming up with $750 a quarter…  I have no fucking idea why they don’t *encourage* that.

They know that they are taking a big chunk out of a very low income, and they don’t care.  I pay it, because I would rather be honest and pay it now than be caught and pay even more later.  I know about data mining and data collection.  I know that there are databases that I have no way of knowing about, but if it’s possible, and smarter people than me are working on it, I can rest assured that they are reading what I type as I read it.  It’s not paranoia, I’m not angry about it, I just live my life in gratitude that I have what I have, and I have the talent and ability to create what I create.

I’m not bitter because I don’t make a lot of money.  I don’t make a lot of money because I don’t try.  I don’t try because I have very real physical and emotional issues that are waiting to be completely resolved.  I have quit smoking, and I am not the slightest bit tempted to go back.  I didn’t get drunk on ice beer last night, and I wasn’t trying “not” to drink.  I don’t have to drink every day, I could go days or weeks without it and just shift over to another hobby, maybe writing in some blog that nobody will ever read.

I can’t drink when I want to do something, because I know, while sober, that while I’m drunk I don’t want to do anything, except for drink, and maybe rant weird shit on twitter and facebook for some reason.  Actually, I kind of suspect the reason already, being a coping mechanism that I picked up when I was emotionally devastated by Candy’s 2 previous departures, and then the constant threat of leaving a 3rd time after we moved to Vegas.  Thankfully, that has been resolved, and therefore, Candy has given me a break from being depressed so I can work on my fucking issues for once.

It’s ironic, that Candy wanted the version of me that she met to “come back”.  She kept leaving and coming back hoping that every time she left, I would get better instead of getting worse.  In a way, I got a lot better after she came back the second time, because I managed to keep working that shitty job that was ripping me off by not paying my payroll taxes, and I saved up enough to move to Las Vegas a 2nd time in my life.

This time I had the big 16′ truck, towing the big shitty van, that I still have and it still actually works.  I never drove a truck that big, I never towed a 6 wheel trailer with a shitty van on it, and I was lucky to only have to back up one time, to leave the parking lot I was moving from, and I almost fucked up the trailer hitch right then.  Luckily, I had enough space after getting into that weird angle to go forward, clearing a big brick fence, but going right over a bunch of grass.

The irony of Candy leaving and coming back hoping to find a better version of me is that her leaving created a catastrophic deep level depression that would take time for me to resolve.  There is no immediate reaction in this complex brain, and habits ingrained over time have to be removed over time.

When Candy threatened to leave the 3rd time, while we were in Vegas, it didn’t help me to get better.  It caused me to descend into the emotional state I felt either time she left before, but only on occasion.   There were stretches of productivity and drive interrupted by intense episodes of inner depression.  Candy would not see them as an obvious manifestation of anything being “wrong”, she would just notice that I got a little more drunk than usual, or listened to sad music instead of high energy electronic music.

There wasn’t much room for sympathy in Candy’s heart for what I was going through, because she started to feel like she already “had enough”.  I started to recognize a familiar pattern where Candy comes back, I am working on myself, but I’m not fast enough, she loses patience, and she runs away again.

I quit drinking vodka because she came back, but she knew that I had to step down with beer until a certain “point”.  That point was for me to choose, not her, and she recognized that while she was gone, she wanted to work with me to get through it because she was not with me for months before.

I would make promises, but still know and share my limitations based on my ability to just “snap back” after what really was a complete nervous breakdown.  Most people who got down to the level I did would have had to go through a lot more bullshit before pulling themselves out of it.  The fact that I managed to get a job while Candy was gone showed her that I could stay sober long enough to at least pull that off.

When Candy came back, I didn’t think I was overdoing it, but I kind of was.  I was setting limits on myself and then breaking them repeatedly.  We were staying in different rooms, and by the time we would decide to “hang out”, I was drunk already.  I didn’t stay drunk all day, but our timing was such that we would tend to “do our own thing” all day and then maybe hang out in the evening.  If I started drinking too early, or Candy hadn’t announced she wanted to hang out early enough, I would start with the beer, and it didn’t take much.

When I was doing vodka, I had a high tolerance.  When i started doing beer, I used the 12 pack limit over 2 days to try to control myself.  That started to break down, and not long ago I was picking up the 30 pack because it’s “cheaper”.

It’s not really cheaper if a 30 pack is consumed in even less time than 2 12 packs.  It wasn’t until I started to see myself descend into a higher and higher tolerance that I realized what I was doing to myself.  I was slowly letting it get worse instead of better.

Candy had an epiphany that involved a lot of shit I don’t want to get back into now, but she realized that she couldn’t control me, and the time line for me to get back to “normal” was not decided by her, or even all parts of myself.  It wasn’t until I decided to finally stop smoking that I realized how much control I could grasp again over all other addictions disguised as “needs”.

Candy is related to my desire to quit smoking as well, because when I watched her breathing getting worse and worse before treatment, I realized that she didn’t even smoke and she could barely keep enough oxygen coming in.  She’s huge, so just standing up for her is like me picking up 300lbs.  I can only imagine what it would be like to be on a level of gravity that few humans ever experience, without weight lifting.

I started to notice that as I was pushing her around on this bariatric transport chair that I would get winded way too quickly.  I would notice it during sex, and also realize that it effected my energy level too.  Once I started to realize how much i was paying to destroy my sex life, quitting smoking wasn’t a priority, it was a necessity.

Because I can actually use having sex to create content, which creates income, I also have another incentive to stop spending so much of that precious little income on something that is destroying my physical ability.

Now that I have quit smoking, there is less of a desire to consume too much alcohol, because there is a renewed awareness of my ability and how it is compromised by the use of both nicotine and alcohol.

If I think I am a relatively smart person, I should not have figured this out so slowly.  On the other hand, it’s hard to want to improve yourself when you secretly want to die.  I had to have many varied experiences involving other people besides Candy to finally realize that I was limiting my own potential and also the time I have to do everything that I fantasize about doing in my short and half over life.

In just the very first month that I have quit smoking, I have tested myself in a variety of ways, and I already see a marked improvement of oxygen intake.  I realize that I have smoked for 2 decades on and off, more on than off, and it will take much more time to do serious healing.  I realize that I may never be granted with the full capacity I might have if I had never started smoking that shit to begin with.

One interesting fact, after getting the medical marijuana card, I made the simple observation that nicotine doesn’t get you “high”, it just takes you down from an anxiety that is created by the addiction to it in the first place.

That shit is fucked up.  I get so mad at myself when I realize that quitting smoking right now, and paying taxes monthly instead of quarterly, is going to cause no change in my budget whatsoever.  I don’t have to set aside money for taxes if I’m paying monthly, and because I’m saving almost that amount by not spending it on something else, the taxes become more “invisible” unless they go even higher.

When I bring the drinking down to half of what it has become, I will be saving even more money.  The beer doesn’t cost as much as cigarettes though.  If I spend $8 on beer as often as every 2 days, that’s still $120.  That is the maximum allowed amount that I let myself get though, with my strategy of attempting to control alcoholism through intake restriction rather than abstinence.

I was spending that much on crap that I don’t need, and I am way too poor to think I need that shit!  I am not bitter about being “poor” because I enjoy living with such a strategic outlook and not giving away money on crap that I am being made to believe I want, when i don’t really want it.

I have been putting off changing my cable bill for days because I didn’t prioritize doing it, but I got a digital antenna that picks up more channels than what I paid cox cable for 13 of them.  $27 for 13 channels, that I would say are “shitty” but I do appreciate local news.  The irony is that there is a free digital channel just for local weather, that shitty cox cable doesn’t include in the minimum package.

I’m glad I write here now, because I’m going to bring my cable bill down under $100 a month, and still have the highest speed internet below business level, plus the shitty phone with no long distance as a local incoming phone that doesn’t use up “minutes” on the “pay per minute” plan I still use!  While some people spend over $100 a month on a fucking phone, I pay about $20 every 2 months for a cell I only use when I have to.

I can make so little and be so content because I own my shitty vehicle, and just have to bust my knuckles up a little when it fucks up.  I have an old shitty phone with no internet, that I don’t have to pay on monthly.  I build my own computer systems about every 2 years, so I haven’t purchased a company branded computer system since the late 90’s.  I don’t watch much television, so I have one, but it’s an old CRT probably less than 40″.   Now I have a digital antennae hanging from the ceiling in an artistic way that picks up more channels than the bare minimum shit package from cox cable.

I can live off of less than $1000 a month, but I make a little more than that, no matter how much I try to keep it at a certain point.  It’s like a natural habit for me to do things online that happen to promote my business and end up causing a little bit of a ‘surplus’ here and there over the year.

That’s why my next investment is going to be to accept mastercard as well as visa.  I’m saying this as ccbill takes around $85 out of every payment until they hit $500 for the annual visa renewal required for them to process visa for my website.

Another irony.  The clips4sale store sent me a 1099 for over $11,000.  When subtracted from total deposits, that means the web sites made just over $5000.  That is before expenses, which is why my income is still under $15,000.  My expenses were still under $2000, which fucked me, which is why I want to pay the additional $500 this year to start with mastercard.

I didn’t do it originally because mastercard was such a smaller market.  When I could not take visa, my membership went into the toilet.  I only started clip stores because I could not afford the $750 way back to take visa when they started to require it.  I should have, because by now, I would have made more, and the renewal would have been less painful when it is taken out of income rather than spent on it’s own.

I will have to spend the $500 for mastercard just to keep expenses up to what they were this year, because my cheap ass doesn’t like to spend money, even on the business.  That’s why I have had to quit smoking and now I want to quit drinking because of how much money I could save, meaning how much less I have to make, meaning being even more fucking lazy!

I am such a hippy now.  This flower child wants to do the least work possible, but I have issues when some of my “fun” is in promoting and creating the work.  If you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.  I guess that’s why I am addicted to creating super fat content.

With this new year, new energy, and new motivation, I have also finally created some video that I have wanted to create for a long time.  I have been going back to doing the hardcore stuff.  It’s not as easy with a fucked up hip, but I still manage it, and now that I have better oxygen intake and more energy, I am getting back to where I was in the Florida days.  I know I’m not even close to being back there yet, and at my age, I’ll be lucky to get to %80 of what I was capable of when I started in the early 30’s.

I impressed myself with my last clip though.  I haven’t released it yet, but instead of being 14 minutes long, I accidentally got up to nearly 25 minutes.  I was just having so much fun fucking the piss out of Candy in front of a camera again that I got carried away, and it shows.  That’s the whole point though.

ssbbw feed me fuck me

ssbbw feed me fuck me

I am finally getting back to who I was so long ago.  It’s ironic that Candy always wanted this guy back, but it took even more than getting her back to bring him back.  I have to give some credit to another woman that I had to hurt so badly, and I feel badly about it.  If it weren’t for her though, Candy may never have realized what she was about to lose forever.

I guess one can take it for granted that Candy rarely, if ever, reads this blog.  When I talk ‘about her’ in the way that I do, it’s not spiteful or with any need for vindication.  I point it out because it is the truth.  There is another woman who helped me greatly, and it did hurt me deeply to have to disappoint her.

Candy wants this version of me to come back, but that version existed with different rules, agendas, and inspirations.  I am still trying to resolve how I can fully return to the mindset of wanting to be fully monogamous to Candy, after the change from that status seemed to start a chain reaction that almost destroyed the relationship on multiple occasions.

I am not saying that I need an open relationship to return to being the guy I was when Candy met me, but I can’t help but notice the connection from the patterns created in the past.  Candy left the first time just months after I said I only wanted to be with her.  That did something to me that hasn’t been “fixed”, and as I clear my head of the nicotine and alcohol, I am starting to see it more clearly.

I worry that the need for alcohol arose to begin with because I could never be happy with myself if I never got to the bottom of what I think I want or need out of life and relationships with women.  I’m already kind of a “special case” because I am a “pornographer” and I tend to enroll whoever I am with into my work.

I say “whoever I am with” because there was the super sized woman I have already posted photos of here who I worked with when Candy was gone the last time.

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

The woman I met and had an affair with while Candy threatened to leave a 3rd time had a remarkably similar look to this woman, and she was actually available, and ready to go all out into a live in relationship when Candy was ready to eject.

One can imagine what this has created within my brain, and how I am still resolving this, even as I continue to try to better myself by quitting smoking and finally controlling drinking.  All the things Candy really wanted, and I had to fuck her over in order to give those things to her.  The irony is never ending in my life.