Posts tagged super morbidly obese

overboard

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No, I’m not talking about that cheesy movie from a long time ago.  I think that last post was a bit harsh.  I was trying to maintain a sense of humor, but as always, i got really critical of the very audience that has supported my work for nearly a decade.  I wasn’t really insulting the entire audience though, just the ones who have never actually supported the work because they always watched stuff that came out for free.

 

all this food is not free

all this food is not free

 

I don’t want to get started all over again about that, but I just wanted to say that without taking the time to go re-read what I wrote, I will get a little more specific about who I meant to be critical of.  It’s one thing to be complimented on work that someone saw completely free, but it’s another thing when other people are literally posting entire clips on a file sharing site, and then suddenly there are over a dozen clips floating around “for free”.  Then someone responds to some twitter update by saying how great the content is, but they have never actually paid for it.

 

that food gets pretty expensive!

that food gets pretty expensive!

 

There is a consequence of doing that, and eventually, it is called “going out of business.”  I should not have complained so harshly in that previous post, but later on that day I started to come down with symptoms of some kind of cold.  The next day I had a fever over 100 degrees and I was sick for nearly 2 weeks with a pretty severe sinus infection.

 

really loaded, or had a fever, hard to remember!

really loaded, or had a fever, hard to remember!

 

In the middle of all that, I was informed that my van was going to get towed away soon at great expense if I did not get rid of it on my own, or finally fix it and renew registration.   They would charge $300 for the tow that I did not want even if I told them to keep the van.  I called the tow company, and they made an offer to buy the van for $50, but I had already made arrangements to sell it for $60 to another guy.

 

it could haul stuff, but not broke

it could haul stuff, but not broke

 

That might sound like I was ripped off something horrible, because the fuel pump I replaced just months before cost more than that.  It cost me $300 to have the transmission mounts replaced, so that one bracket could come loose and nearly break my steering column.  Now the van is not going to be a money pit any longer, and I believe that positive changes have happened because I got rid of it.  Because there is less money coming in, the van will stop leeching money  that I can’t even use as a business expense because the van wasn’t used in the business.  The van became a real problem on a regular basis, and was no longer very reliable, so it simply had to go.

 

the van, haunting my nightmares like a chinese buffet aquarium monster

the van, haunting my nightmares like a chinese buffet aquarium monster

 

The van was simply too messed up after the transmission bracket came loose to fix easily.  Even if the bracket could have been put back, the steering column was hit and leaking, and that was going to go sooner or later and in a very unsafe and probably horrifying way.  So, I had to say goodbye to the van I have had for nearly a decade right in the middle of the worst illness I’ve experienced in that same period of time.  I never get sick, but I had worn myself down with stress and anxiety about too many things, and I had to finally let the van go.

 

and just when will i get that hip replaced?

and just when will i get that hip replaced?

 

So, I just wanted to post a note here as I logged in to check on updates and other stuff.  I know that i was being really insulting to an entire group of people out there who will never, ever pay for content.  I can’t blame them in a way, but still, I am a “small business” not a big Hollywood studio.  I know that other small businesses have gotten larger with expansion, but at this point, I have other issues going on that prevent me from giving 100% of myself to any business.

 

the closest i may ever get to putting a ssbbw on a website again :(

the closest i may ever get to putting a ssbbw on a website again 🙁

 

Just last week I tripped myself on the cane I use to walk because I need a hip replacement.  In the fall I hurt the “good leg”, so it was even harder to walk for a few days.  It just happened to be right before a weekend spent with a friend where I would want to help them out by doing some house work.  Then, she discourages me from drinking, on the night I really could have used it, so I just passed out.  I needed a drink more than ever being in the kind of pain I was in, and trying not to take pain pills for it.  Luckily it didn’t hurt when I wasn’t moving or walking, so I was able to pass out, regardless of what kind of plans she may have had for “later”.

 

yeah, this one, pushy as she is voluptuous

yeah, this one, pushy as she is voluptuous

 

When I do finally quit drinking, that will be my decision.  Being told “no” by someone is a harsh reminder of the way I am guiding my life in the next few months.  It’s never too late to stop what is planned, but I have a feeling I’m going to have to go through the whole experience to know that I “maybe should not have done that.”  I know I’m talking in code, but maybe in the near future I’ll be spilling all kinds of stuff here because I won’t have much else to do.

yeah, i like to get fucked up!

yeah, i like to get fucked up!

take me to the hospital

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The title is a popular song by the electronic band Prodigy, and it’s an awesome song on it’s own, but I have a memory of being taken to the hospital, where I still get a bill every month that I spitefully pay just $5 a month on for that ride.  I didn’t get charged by the hospital, luckily, but the freaking ambulance company is up my ass about a ride they are charging me over $700 for.  The cab ride back to the apartment from the hospital was under $20 with tip.

I got to talk to someone else recently who has endured this kind of thing.  Calling out for help sometimes gets you in even more trouble than you started out with.

me in paper, so stylish

me in paper, so stylish

In this photo I look like I am a psycho nursing assistant or something, but it’s actually a patient “uniform” when you get checked in to the ER at Earl K Long in Baton Rouge for a psychiatric evaluation.  Never call a suicide hotline while drunk!  More importantly, make a cop take you to the hospital because you will end up with a bill over $700 for a ten minute ambulance ride!

Now I could probably try to get medicaid to pay that, but I don’t want them to get the cash that quickly.  I don’t think it’s right for people to get carted off in an ambulance when they could take the ride in a cop car.  I really should have refused the ambulance and someone should have offered a ride, but then again, I didn’t push it, so nobody threatened to “take me to jail” if I didn’t go in the ambulance.

I know a cop could have taken me, even if they had to cuff me, but then again, if the ones who showed up were too lazy, the one that did put me in a car would have probably threatened jail just to get me into the ambulance.  I was drunk and depressed, in that “drunk crying” mode.  I was allowing myself to literally shake with anxiety because in my mind, this was the potential start for a much longer journey than just the hospital trip.

I wasn’t sure at all about what it would be like, or how long they would really keep me, or what kind of accommodations I would find at wherever they were taking me.  I didn’t know if I should expect the kind of thing I see in the movies, or if it would be worse.

When I got there, I was admitted, and they tested my urine and gave me ativan because the figured I was a pretty high level alcoholic to have that level, and they didn’t want to deal with seizures if I was physically dependent.  Luckily, even though I have been drinking about six years, I still never got to the point where I could handle the kind of amounts that they were probably assuming.

I am lucky to have the background and history of smoking as much weed as I did, because I have read somewhere that it helps prevent seizures that can potentially come from sudden abstinence from alcohol after several years of using it regularly.

I was in a weird mood when I started this post, probably buzzed, and I even used that photo of me in the paper suit while I was creating the first draft.  I would say I’m “not feeling it” anymore, but something kept me coming back to this post in an effort to figure out what I was ranting about this time.

I know that I didn’t appreciate having a $700 plus bill show up in the mail after going through such an ordeal as putting myself in that situation in the first place.  Then I had to go to the hospital and show them my actual financial state at the time so that they didn’t hit me up for over $1200.  That would have been over 2 grand for making one drunk fucking phone call!

At least I didn’t get caught trying to drive while fucked up because commercials out here in Nevada indicate they will take $10,000 from you by the time it’s all said and done, and you lose your car and license, unless they are figuring that all in with that horrible threat.

I’ve posted enough about “luck” and that didn’t have anything to do with never getting caught driving while fucked up.  I actually have an anxiety about trying to get behind the wheel even if I have been drinking a little bit, because I know very well that if some a-hole pedestrian walks out in front of you, it’s their fault if you are sober but your fault if you are fucked up.

That makes no fucking sense to me whatsoever.  I mean, if some drunk guy hits a bus stop, like one just did recently very close to where I happen to live, he should get slapped with the harshest punishment available.  He fucking killed somebody.  At the same time, nearly every week, some asshole tries to cross the street in total darkness in the exact point between intersections where they should not fucking be crossing.  Add to that if they are drunk and wobbling all over the place while trying to cross the road in total darkness, and you can guess that Darwin’s law will prevail, and that asshole will be another statistic shown on the news.

Most of the time, those suicidal pedestrians are taken out by people who happen to be *TOTALLY FUCKING SOBER* and very lucky to have been on that occasion.  In those cases, the drivers aren’t charged, because the cops know you CAN’T FUCKING SEE THESE PEOPLE IN THE DARK.  If, on the other hand, the driver happens to have had as little as a few beers, then criminal charges come into the picture.

That’s why I am scared to drive drunk.  I’m not scared I would cause an accident, I’m scared that some idiot would cause an accident and then I am still at fault because I happened to be drunk.  Because of this, I don’t drive drunk myself, but I am not so militant about drunk drivers.  If I lost a loved one to a drunk driver, I still would not occupy my time or energy in pursuing “every other drunk driver on the planet”.  Those people do that so they don’t go buy a gun and take out the *one drunk driver* that really matters “to them”. 🙂  I know, dark.

I am not just lucky, but work hard at keeping myself as safe as possible when I am fucking around with a drug as dangerous as alcohol.  I like getting drunk, but I understand and respect the power of that drug, and I know that it’s ironic that out of all the drugs on the planet, this is the one “they” chose to sedate us with.

I really wonder how and why they could not have encouraged the use of marijuana over alcohol because it is so much less dangerous.  Then, I remember that they only made marijuana illegal in the first place because they were racist and wanted an easy way to lock up as many minorities as they could.  I have read that it started with Mexicans, but it worked so well for them that they kept the law in place for blacks.  I am guessing that crack was a real boom to police unions and private prison investors, as well as a big win for racists everywhere who want to continue to lock up more people than any country in the world.

I also keep in mind how big pharma and big alcohol love the lack of competition from this meek little harmless plant.  Occasionally, now that the walls are coming down against the removal of marijuana prohibition, people are trying to lump in pot smokers with alcoholics, and I am kind of offended, even though I happen to be both at the same time.

I know that if pot would have been legal, I never would have started using alcohol regularly in the first place.  I have to wonder how many investors in big alcohol know this for a fact, and are close to knowing an exact statistic of how many regular customers they would not have if weed was legal.

I also wonder how much cancer could have been prevented or slowed down from killing so many people if weed was legal, since it has been proven that weed does inhibit tumor growth.  I have read that this was discovered way back in the 70’s, but the information was suppressed because they were trying desperately to find something *wrong* with weed but just couldn’t.

In fact, I failed to mention how genesis 1:29 in the freaking bible says that God created all plants for man to use as food.  Hemp happens to be perfectly nutritionally balanced, and yet, the christians are not in an uproar that this “sacred plant food” has been taken away from us.

I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for the “food network” to talk about the merits of weed being the “perfectly balanced food” because they are so mainstream and busy slinging  out the pro alcohol propaganda while they conveniently act like weed doesn’t exist.  There is a “cocktail” recipe in nearly every show, with real alcohol, but they act like they have never heard of “marijuana edibles”.

I have to wonder how many people never would have resorted to overdosing on prescription medication if they never went to pills because they stayed happy with a little weed every day.  I have to wonder how many people are in serious pain, and being denied those same pills even when a doctor orders them, because some dickhead at some pharmacy looked them over and labeled them a “drug addict”, even though they are %100 fucking legit.

All that makes me hate big pharma even more.  if the drugs they  make aren’t killing you, you are left dying in pain because the masochistic pharmacist doesn’t want to give you the shit that a real fucking doctor said you should have.

I don’t know, I like to say “I’m not crazy, this fucking reality is out of it’s fucking mind crazy.”

Of course, that is a typical statement of someone who is bat shit crazy, to assume that they are normal and the rest of the world is just fucked in the head.

In my case, when I look around at the world, and see comments people make online about different things, I really start to wonder if everybody is really fucked up in just one small way, and they are only functional because they can hold down that little bit of crazy long enough to get out of the public eye and express it in some kind of fucked up ritual.

I am happy just smoking a little weed, but that was “too much to ask”, before moving 2000 miles and going to a doctor for x-rays that show I need a hip replacement at the age of 46, and I am going to suffer in pain until it is replaced.  If I still lived in Louisiana, they would be giving me fucking tylenol for this massive occasional hip pain.  Louisiana can forever suck my balls.

Even now, I consider how after surgery, I will probably be given some heavy duty shit, and because I have long hair, the dickhead at the pharmacy might deny me of it when I really need it.  On the other hand, I have a history with my pharmacist, and I don’t go in there all nervous, anxious, and itchy, bitching if there is any delay on my precious fucking pills.  I have been in there and watched the kind of people they have no choice but to turn away.  At the same time, the local news makes a big deal out of people who have had to go to up to 30 pharmacies to get one medication, and one of those fuckers was in a fucking wheelchair!

When I said “take me to the hospital” a little part of me had given up.  I reached a kind of “rock bottom” that didn’t require a televised intervention or even the participation of family and friends.  At the time, my family was literally scared of me more than they were scared for me, and my “friends” were pretty shitty and fucked up themselves at the moment.

I had nobody to turn to but myself, and while I did check in for a 3 day holiday, it was really educational.  After all the alcohol I had abused, it wasn’t until I was on ativan that I managed to see from a slightly different perspective, and pull my head out of my ass long enough to finally start to straighten out all the shit that was fucked up with my life.

In a way, the visit to the hospital did absolutely nothing to improve my “condition” on it’s own.  The medication combined with the intense boredom of being stuck with nobody to talk to but yourself was enough to change my perspective to the point where I realized that I either had to figure out a guaranteed way to take myself out, or I had to figure out a way to maximize the potential I have for growth and development in the future.

I think that a spiteful part of myself wanted to get back out there into “reality” just to see how much trouble I could cause without getting into trouble myself.  In a way, I think I am still doing that.  My work is pretty unique, because there aren’t many super sized, or super morbidly obese women who are approaching 500lbs who literally suck and fuck on the internet.

I had to sober up “just enough” to get a job, to keep the apartment, to meet a few women, to build my confidence, to get Candy back, to get back to work doing what I was meant to be doing all along.

In a way, my life is even more crazy now than it was when I was just drinking myself to sleep every time I woke up.  I was boring, typical, useless alcoholic.  Now, i create content that is just raunchy enough that it stands out against the competition just enough to pay me just enough to make me want to keep creating it.

I am kind of taking money away from other people who are doing the same thing.  Every dollar I make I am grateful for because it’s a dollar someone could have spent somewhere else, but didn’t.  I realize that everybody and their grandmother, LITERALLY, are trying to make a dollar in the adult realm online.

There are granny phone sex chicks that are super sized but don’t even use that to their advantage, or just started to recently, which gets them into modeling.  That’s how I met and got started with Dia from bbwdungeon.com.  She was in phone sex, she was a SSBBW, and she didn’t think that she could market her real look in order to promote her phone sex.  Now women are doing it all the time.

I love saying “grannies” because I did some math and concluded that a woman is old enough to be a “granny” at just 32, if she had a kid at 16 and that kid had a kid at 16.  When you raise that to 18, you get 36.  If you raise it to 18, you get 42.  Candy happens to be 42 right now. 🙂  I have concluded that when Candy does hardcore content, it is not just SSBBW hardcore, it is actually SSBBW granny hardcore. 🙂

 

ssbbw candy godiva swallows

ssbbw candy godiva swallows

Being a ‘granny’ isn’t just for “parents” anymore. 🙂  Being a MILF probably doesn’t require having kids anymore.  Even if someone has biological kids, it doesn’t mean they have to have custody of said children when they do porn in order to be called a “MILF”.  I think that is just one of many “flattering” terms that have been given to fetishes and sexual preferences that don’t involve magazine cut out “allegedly perfect women”.

For example, “BBW” is supposed to mean “big beautiful women”, but I have often commented upon how the “beautiful” is easily disputable not only based on facial charisma, but on personality and general attitude.  In other words, there are some fat women out there who are just real bitchy cunts!  They really don’t deserve to use bbw no matter what they look like, but I like to call them “big bitchy women”. 🙂

So, the content that I create can get a little crazy, because all I have to do is cross over into a few more fetishes and it gets insane.  I put on a horse head mask for one video and so there is “mask play” and “pony play” as well as the already crazy combination of SSBBW granny porn.  If I toss some food in there on top of that, you have “feed me fuck me” ssbbw granny porn with mask play.

ssbbw sex with horsehead masked man

ssbbw sex with horsehead masked man

I don’t know, but maybe I just found a way to end this post, and justify the title “take me to the hospital”. 🙂

Also, this reminds me of how badly I want to do another SSBBW “feed me fuck me” hardcore clip and Candy has been procrastinating because she is fixated on the food she wants for feedee videos!

My life really is “crazy”. 🙂

 

over a decade

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I wonder myself sometimes how everything that has happened has actually happened.  The thought of Candy leaving twice, and my going literally insane both times is such a weird set of memories to process.  I know that there are times that I still experience the anxiety I felt at that time out of the blue, with no additional stimulus required.  At the same time, when real shit is doing down in my life I tend to use another type of anxiety to motivate, inspire, and push myself into doing what needs to be done.

There are times I have had some pretty heavy duty shit going on, like having to pull a huge, heavy fuel tank off a big ass van to replace the fuel pump, or pull the dash apart to replace an automotive computer.  Those two things were just last year, and while I do consider myself a hobby mechanic, both of those jobs were things I had not done before, and I had to face a certain type of anxiety in order to successfully complete both of them, and still have working transportation that is paid for, and amazes me to this day that it is still going.

The biggest obstacles I have come across in my life never came anywhere near the level of intensity I felt when I lost Candy.  It was as if everything in my life before those events meant absolutely nothing.  All the accomplishments, all the hurdles overcome, all the disappointment, all the pain, none of it meant anything when I lost the one person in the world that I felt I loved more than anyone or anything else.

I literally wanted to drink myself to death.  I went online and I started to reject everything I held dear all of my life.  I started to become the absolute worst troll that even I had ever come across in the realm of ‘SSBBW’ or super size big beautiful women.  I would not lash out so much at individuals, except for a very small handful of people who were directly involved, because they cared enough to save Candy from me if I wasn’t making her happy.

I would go into every fat specific area of the internet I could find to bitch and raise hell about how I should not be attracted to women who look like this.  I should not be in such pain because I chose someone to love who would leave me.  I was lashing out partially because I was severely intoxicated most of the time, but also because I was hurt deeper than I had ever been hurt in my life.

I am still resolving feelings of guilt over how I acted.  I have apologized over and over to one person who was mature enough not to take any of it too personally in the first place.  I have wondered what must be going through the minds of people who Candy met and interacted with while she was gone, only to run back to me, after previous accusations of abuse.

We were in a destructive, abusive relationship for at least one or two years before the point where she left, but we didn’t realize it, because there were circumstances that Candy wasn’t fully aware of that triggered negative behavior in her.  When Candy and I met, we were both potheads.  She had what amounted to a near allergic reaction to alcoholics.  She had previous family history with alcoholics, and she herself feels as if she went through a period of alcoholism in her earlier years before we ever met.

When I made the brilliant decision to stop smoking pot and start drinking in it’s place, that created an environment where I would start drinking in the evening, and as I got more and more intoxicated, Candy would grow more and more anxious and upset.  If I were to talk a little too much, or about the wrong subjects while intoxicated, it would give her the reason she was looking for to just “go off” on me.  I had a great deal of restraint, after being through everything I have been through back in Florida with Alexis, so I would let it go.

There were just a few times when I would have gotten upset along with her for being upset, and I would allow an argument to escalate to a certain point.  Then, I would get tired out from being drunk and just want to quit arguing, usually before anything significant happened.

One evening, things did get really intense, and rather than cooling off and calming down, Candy made a snap decision to take off.  She wasn’t just leaving for a day, or a few days, she was packing a back to move out completely.  Because she had just done the same thing a few months before, I started to reach a point where I didn’t want her to come back.  I had been so hurt by her leaving the last time, and so excited when she came back, that watching her leave yet again would have me telling myself that I didn’t deserve that shit, I was over it, and I can’t be in love with someone who leaves me over little shit.

For the first few weeks she was gone, she had probably intended to come back all along.  Because I entered this mindset of believing I didn’t want her back, I would allow myself to get drunk and log on Facebook to rant and rave about how shitty it was for her to leave the way she did, and how she was “not a good girlfriend” if she was going to use this tactic of leaving me to control me.

At one point, maybe 2 and a half weeks in, I got so drunk that I posted some really horrible shit on Facebook, where instead of complaining, I started getting highly insulting.  At that point, any thought Candy had of coming back started to evaporate, and instead of getting her back sooner, I pushed her away for even longer.

After about 3 months of doing nothing but getting drunk every single day and passing out, I finally decided to get back out there and try to meet people.  The first attempt was this woman in her 20’s who I talked to on the phone.  She acted like she really wanted to meet right away, so she suggested I go to some bar to meet up with her.  She totally stood me up.  I tried calling her, no answer, of course, she knew what she was doing.

I will never forget the drive home from that place, how depressing it was, and how everything I passed on the way home reminded me of being with Candy.  I was reminded of how much I loved and missed her, and I was hurt so very deeply to have the first moment of encouragement turn out to be another taunt by life itself.

I didn’t try to contact that woman, but a few days later she sent me an email trying to apologize.  I basically cursed her out, told her how useless and pathetic she was for doing that to me, and I told her not to contact me anymore.  I also wrote out at least 3 pretty harsh jokes about her having only one hand.  I know that was totally uncalled for now, but it felt good at the time to do it.  She was writing me as if there was some big misunderstanding about the plans she had made with me.  She may have attempted to say she “chickened out”, but it didn’t matter.  She was already putting me in the position of meeting her “with friends”, which I absolutely hate doing.  Then, after agreeing to that really shitty scenario, she stood me up.

I stayed at that bar until around 1am, not because I had hope she would show up, but because I wanted to put myself through the misery of being someplace I didn’t want to be because some bitch lied me into going in the first place.  I wanted to absorb all of that negative emotion for as long as I could stand it, until I really wanted to go home and slam more vodka.

There was no giving up at that point though.  I had to meet someone.  Hanging out with old alcoholic guys was more depressing than being alone, and the more I was alone, the more time I had to act like a total dickhead on Facebook.  I believe a part of me hates Facebook to this day for giving me an outlet to make such an ass of myself.  I still get drunk and act stupid online, but I am not mean, depressed, and cruel to people.

When that woman stood me up on the very first date planned since Candy left, it reminded me of the long, hard road ahead in finding someone I am attracted to, who was available, who I could trust.  The person I was at that time would not allow me to find the “perfect woman for me” though, because I wasn’t myself.  I was lying to myself about not being in love with Candy and wanting her back, so I would naturally lie to myself about the kind of woman I would be truly happy with.

One woman was so physically awesome, and she agreed to model, and I still have yet to figure out what site I want to add her to.  It has been nearly 4 years since I took those photos, and I have yet to ever use any of them.  A part of me looks at that work as inferior because i was so very drunk most of the time.  Another part of me looks at that work and feels the pain I was in at that time.  Something has blocked me from using those photos, even though I have an ID, a model release, and she is physically amazing and impressive as a SSBBW.

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

It was awesome and amazing to meet someone so physically amazing and incredible.  I would have been instantly in love with her appearance with the hopes that her personality would not let me down.  She was unavailable though, of course.  She was available to mess around, but she was living in a situation that prevented any possibility of us being together.

This was another harsh reminder to me of the long hard road ahead in finding someone I could love like Candy.  The first woman to appear and actually come through and meet me would turn out to be someone that I would never have a chance of being with.  A woman who I could probably be content to be monogamous with for the rest of my life is just another fantasy.  Of course.

I didn’t give up though, I kept searching, and I reached another compromise.  There was one woman who was kind of aggressive online about wanting to meet up, but at the same time, she was a certain “type” that I was always hesitant to get involved with heavily.  I’ll just say it, she was a freaking “christian”.  She was eager to meet me though, and that seemed to be a rare occurrence for me in the online dating world, so I agreed to meet with her.

the christian bbw

the christian bbw

She was beautiful, and happened to remind me of someone from the distant past facially.  She had full, sexy arms, and DDD breasts, but she had kind of the typical “top heavy” figure, which has never been my total favorite.  Anyone who has seen images of Candy would realize quickly that her mass is more heavily distributed on the lower half.

Since as long as I can remember, there has been this thing about larger thighs.  In a previous post, I went into great detail about a theory that I have about being near sighted as a child and going years without wearing glasses.  I may have started to distinguish male from female by body shape more heavily than face, and because I had such an intense sexuality, I started to become attracted to larger and larger representations of visual femininity in the body.  I could recognize someone from a great distance before seeing their face by seeing their shape and even their walk.  I still do this, because I can recognize some people from a distance, looking at their back while they walk away.  I once picked out a woman I knew in a crowded mall on a Saturday from the second floor while she walked away on the first floor a great distance below and away from me.

Because of this, I have to admit even to myself that I developed a kind of “fetish” for large thighs.  I tried to overcome this, because I kept telling myself that I didn’t love Candy, I was no longer attracted to Candy, and I was not going to limit my potential sexual partners to women who are “Super sized” or super morbidly obese, who happen to have large thighs too.  That was too specific for my old, ugly, drunk ass.

I kind of settled, which is horrible, and I still feel guilt over how it hurt her when I had to tell her Candy was coming back.  I settled on her being religious, her being top heavy, and her being kind of distant and controlling herself.  It’s not like I wasn’t attracted to her, because at her size, with her shape, I could do things with her that I could not physically accomplish with Candy, ever.  She could literally ride me to the point where I was struggling to control climax.  Having those pendulous breasts swinging in my face while she gyrated on top of me was something that was kind of “new” to me, and it was literally amazing.

I know that sex is not the only thing that can keep a relationship together, and while I was still fixated on my preference for large thighs, I would end up cheating on the christian in order to see and photograph the unavailable ssbbw.  One time they actually passed each other in the parking lot because I was such a bastard.  I can’t believe that I was able to pull off that kind of timing while I was so hopelessly intoxicated most of the time.

By the time I started to “date” again, I did reduce the drinking a great deal.  I also got a job, which surprised even me at the time.  I didn’t just get a job, I got 2 offers and had to choose between them.  I also pulled that off just weeks before it would have bankrupted me to pay rent before getting the first paycheck.  My timing does seem pretty amazing, even when I am impaired.

I must have been dating the christian for a few months, because it really hurt her when I sat her down and told her that Candy was coming back to me.  I had to also admit that I had been talking to Candy behind her back, and that I loved Candy all along, even if I was trying to lie to myself about not loving her because she left me.

All of this seems to have wanted to come out of me today because it has been a few months since I had to hurt someone else emotionally, when Candy thought she wanted to leave and somehow we managed to work it out yet again.  I thought there was no way that I could have met someone that I would be so fond of while I was still living with Candy, even if she was planning to leave.  Maybe the fact that she didn’t just eject herself much faster gave me some kind of ability to find and meet exactly the kind of woman I would want to be with after she was gone.

That hurt me this time.  I had a few months to get to know someone who is physically amazing and complex intellectually.  Because Candy was leaving yet again, I was giving myself an opportunity to find the near perfect woman while Candy was still with me.  Of course, the second I find one that seemed to be really compatible, and have real potential, it would be ripped away from me because I cannot resist the loyalty of my love for Candy, and she changed her mind yet again.

Being with Candy for over a decade, I have been through more emotional turmoil than ever in my life.  That is saying a lot, since I lost my very first SSBBW porn site in a divorce when I left Lexi in Florida.  I was so young and foolish and impulsive, and even way back then, I had a level of maturity to realize that I had to leave that situation or I was going to end up getting in more and more trouble over time.

I have managed to resolve a lot of my feelings about Alexis, and what I went through in Florida, but it still impresses me that I was able to walk away from “my baby”.  i cared more about that first website, fatfantasy.net, than I ever cared about Alexis, and that’s exactly why it had to be given up, to save myself.

me and alexis so long ago

me and alexis so long ago

Now I have to deal with unresolved feelings from when I was a total dickweed on Facebook while Candy was gone both times.  I have to deal with the guilt of how I treated all the people involved who were just trying to help Candy, and they didn’t even love her the way I do.  I still have issues with getting intense and typing too much in a place I shouldn’t be while I am somewhat intoxicated, but nothing reaches the level of pure crazy that I dove into while Candy was gone both times.

I had to break someone’s heart because I could not choose them over Candy.  Not just because of the time I have known her, but because the intense level of emotion that has developed over that time.  Now I have to deal with that too.  I’m getting better, not letting myself get as drunk as I used to.  I try harder to resist the temptation to log on to social media when I pass a certain level of intoxication, but sometimes it is just too tempting, and too satisfying.

Writing while intoxicated is something that I picked up as a kind of coping mechanism to deal with the loss and pain of Candy leaving both of those times.  For a period of maybe a year or so since being in Vegas, Candy’s decisions kept me in a kind of emotional stasis where I had to go back to those habits to deal with what I was feeling at the time.

It’s amazing, that Candy and I were falling apart because we were staying in different rooms during the day, and the little interaction she got with me was when I would bust into the bedroom ranting about something on the news or something I saw online.  I failed to see how just being apart from each other, even in the same residence, was slowly destroying our relationship.  It would seem so obvious to anyone on the outside, but I was blinded by my bias, my emotions, and my past experiences.

I’m getting better, I’m writing this on day 6 without a cigarette, or I should say a real cigarette.  I’m still using nicotine replacement, with the nicotine patches and an e-cig, only for use when cravings reach a level of intensity that make me want to give up and buy a pack of cigarettes.  I’m limiting myself to a 12 pack of beer over a 2 day period, trying to give myself a break for a day or 2 between 12 packs.  If I drink more than 6 beers in one day, I am limiting my future intake the next day, and I won’t let myself buy more.

I still get loaded and type, but now my mood is so different.  I’m dealing with a lot of shit, and a lot of unresolved feelings, but I feel as if I am slowly stumbling out of some kind of haze that I have been living in for the past 3 to 4 years.  It’s not just the alcohol, it’s the experience of how different I am and felt before I started drinking to begin with.   It’s not like I am a life long alcoholic, I just started using it seriously after 40, and I’m 46 now.  I used to hate alcohol because I knew it was put in place as a sedative to get people to stop doing ALL OTHER DRUGS, which is pure and total bullshit.

I’m not just for marijuana legalization, I believe that all kinds of psychedelics should be legal too, because humans were given this huge brain to use in ways that our current proper and prudish society are literally SCARED TO USE.  After reading authors like Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert, I realize that there is great potential and discovery in using these drugs to stimulate parts of the brain that were probably created because humans were doing that shit millions of years ago to begin with!  Of course, if you are a hardcore christian, you might believe there is no way this planet can be that old.  That’s why I can’t get along with christians.

I have read studies about using LSD to cure alcoholism, and there are times I have to wonder if I inflicted that horrible disease on myself just to figure out how to cure myself later.  I compare that theory to the way that I suspect some plus sized models have a goal point to reach before they get weight loss surgery and start the process all over again.

I have a lot of crazy theories, and none of the education required to truly experiment with them.  My most intense theories are the ones I have about how one develops a fat fetish to begin with.  That thing about body recognition and a need for a super feminine form is a pretty good one.

Ok, now I’m rambling, and going off course.  This post should have ended when I used the term “over a decade” out of respect to the title. 🙂

 

 

unexpected korean food

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Well, I was impressed yesterday with the delivery of some food that Candy ordered kind of by accident.  She was browsing this new listing on “grub hub” and it was a Korean, Japanese, and Chinese variety type of restaurant.  It was just out of curiosity that Candy would fill out a whole menu order, just to see how much it would cost to experiment a little bit with a food that she had never tried before.

The menu was impressive, and Candy was just playing around, so she picked out about $60 worth of stuff.  She believes that she would have just closed the window at that point, or switched to doing something else, but somewhere along the line, she must have hit “enter” or clicked the one button to complete the process.

I was glad that I was actually home at the time it arrived, because I had just been out to do an errand, and Candy would have not wanted to answer the door.  She would have been nude as well, so she would have had to travel all the way across the apartment and back in order to answer the door at all.

She would have probably assumed that the knock on the door was just a solicitation and ignored it, until they called her to tell her that the order was there and nobody was answering.  It never came to that though, the faint initial knock was heard from the kitchen just before Candy was about to make a B.L.T. and a fruit smoothie.

SSBBW Candy does Korean and Japanese food

SSBBW Candy does Korean and Japanese food

There was a moment of confusion at the door with the driver, because Candy never told me she ordered, so I asked her.  With the guy at the door, she’s like “I didn’t order anything.”  The guy looks at his phone and says her name, and verifies the apartment number.

I realized that Candy had probably already put down the cash on this, so it would be ridiculous to attempt to deny the order and send it back expecting a refund.  I told him that she just started a new medication and accepted the order.

Having been a delivery driver so many years into the past, you don’t want to be at the door with this kind of confusion going on, because it could be a much more sinister plot, and I know it would cause anxiety for him.  I made a snap decision based on the entirety of the situation, knowing that the food would end up getting tossed, and Candy would be pissed that the money wasn’t going to be refunded.

Candy had a moment of freaking out, where she was like “I don’t remember ordering that!”  She knew she had been playing around with that restaurant’s menu, but she swore up and down that she didn’t click “finish order”.  As a result, she took a credit card number off the site so she would be forced to endure the whole process of entering it before an order could possibly be made by mistake or subliminal “hangry” slip of the finger.

Candy had been waiting all day for the delivery of a device that would be used for breathing treatments.  For some reason, she put on make up early, and hours later, her eyes were burning with the eye liner she applied earlier.  She was impatient, hungry, and she really wanted to order a big selection of Mexican food.

I never understand how Candy wants to continue experimenting with Mexican food because she doesn’t really like cilantro very much.  Her taste palate is so very sensitive that she somehow picks up a “soapy” taste with that herb.  It is used very predominantly in Mexican food, so she is taking a calculated risk with each attempt to order it.

The restaurant that Candy was checking out was kind of expensive, almost unnecessarily so.  Japanese restaurants are not usually known for being very cheap, but the thought of Korean food makes me think that it should be more along the cost level of Chinese food.  Either way, Candy picked out some exotic things that she had never tried, but assumed she might like.

Going over the receipt online after consuming all of it, she would call out the cost of each item in amazement and disappointment for how little food there actually was.  Candy would express her regret by breaking down how she could have ordered food 3 different times for the cost of that 1 time, and it would have been an immense amount of food, if the type was a little less expensive!

Because of this expense, and because Candy had already mentally prepared herself to do a video eating Mexican food, she was ready to jump in there and consume the Korean and Japanese food for a video as if she had gotten exactly what she wanted, but she didn’t.

The food was really good, according to her, there was so little of it that I only had a teaspoon of broth that came with one of the dishes.  I was satisfied with that one taste because I could sample the flavor palate of that type of food for the first time in my life myself.  I’m not as driven to experience new and different foods as Candy is though, so I’m content with a can of tuna, some mayo, salt and pepper, a slice of cheese, and 2 pieces of toast smashed down into it so they soften up.

Without mentioning it repeatedly, all my teeth were removed in mid September of 2014, and the dentist fucked me over and tried to make a mold for dentures while I still had teeth.  It is March of 2015 and I am still fighting with insurance over those fucked up dentures.

That is only relevant in the fact that eating has changed so much for me in that time.  I can almost experience Candy’s wonder and satisfaction with new foods merely by filming her eating them.  Even more, watching the videos later in review and editing also seems to have the same effect.

I realize that mirror neurons are at work when people get off on porn, but I didn’t realize until I started creating feeder and feedee content that there also seems to be something at work in that arena as well.  By watching Candy eat these things, and enjoy them with such immense appreciation, I feel like I am enjoying them as well.  When she smiles big because she is about to tear into some huge feast that most people could not begin to eat, I can feel her excitement and anticipation as if I am her for that brief moment.

That’s probably crazy talk in and of itself, but after editing hundreds, or maybe thousands of videos, something has started to sink in over time.  I always thought I was destined to create “fat porn” the way I like it, the way I wish there was more of back when I was going through puberty and ordering VHS tapes in the mail with lawn cutting money.

Now, I have created thousands of hours of feeder content.  It wasn’t what I used to masturbate to, because I was always a fan of full on hardcore with visual penetration and hopefully a facial that the model doesn’t flinch or gag during. 🙂

I used to express frustration in the way that the very few SSBBWs participated in the creation of the content that I enjoyed watching for that purpose.  I wondered why they would veer off into more fetish areas like squashing, eating, and being dominatrix types.  I am surprised by my own vanilla tastes in porn considering how I am attracted to women who have a BMI that would be considered super morbidly obese.

I am not into immobile women either.  I had that whole experience with Alexis in Florida creating fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net.  She was already on oxygen when I met her, and now Candy needs breathing treatments.  It really frightens me that she allowed this to progress to such a level, when I would have been happy creating hardcore content.  The truth is, she could never get as excited about making hardcore or even fetish content as she would be making feeder content.

Being as adaptive as I am, I would have sensed this eagerness to produce something rather than nothing, and I ran with it.  I am a classic enabler for that reason.  At least I am an unwilling enabler, so Candy knows that I will not encourage behavior that I know will hurt her over time.  I’ve read a lot of zodiac stuff lately because of Twitter, and from what I’ve seen, Aquarius are very future oriented.

I had this conflict of interests going on, between what I like to see, and what Candy wanted to do.  Candy would win, because she is already my volunteer subject, and I am grateful for her to do anything in front of the camera I operate.  She is the only one who does appear in front of my camera, and I believe it is not out of circumstance, but by choice.

I have experimented with the idea of working with other people, or bringing in other people to work with Candy, but unfortunately, that whole experience usually came along with some kind of sexual contact with people other than her.  For years she was cool with this type of situation, but back in 2008 I sensed that she was growing weary of it, and I stopped attempting to recruit new models.

Now, I realize that I still have the ability to recruit, and if anything, it’s like riding a bicycle.  Once you have had that experience of identifying and talking to the right potential candidates, it is so much easier than most people could imagine.  If i walked into a bar with a professional looking video camera after midnight, I would probably get flashed by a few women who just didn’t give a fuck.  That doesn’t mean they would model while sober, but the intent is there, and sometimes, all it takes is the right person to pull it out of them.

Now i have gotten way off course, but I started out wanting to describe one event, and I was hopelessly compelled to jump into a much more vast sea of thought.  I realize that is one of my writing weaknesses, and something I have to work on.  When I start writing though, I don’t always know exactly what direction I am going to go in when I start.

Blogging is such a string of consciousness type of writing, I never even usually do much more editing than the first draft.  I’m sure it shows, but like an episode of Saturday Night Live, there might be %20 of really relevant and interesting info, and about %80 of me trying to figure out what is interesting to me.

I scroll back up to the title, almost intending to change it, but “unexpected korean food” is catchy, and I like it.  This whole stream of thought began there, and I had this whole route I wanted to take, describing this food in intimate detail, maybe using this page as a notepad for remembering the foreign names to all these dishes that I have never tasted, and still haven’t.

What a segue back to the point, huh? 🙂

Candy is able to enjoy a virtual trip around the world by just eating from each country that is widely available in the diverse food climate of Las Vegas.  There is just about every type of food here that you can imagine, almost all available to order, and all catering to a diverse climate of tourists from all over the world.  I saw someone say on the show “No Reservations” that people come half way around the world to gamble in Las Vegas, and when they get hungry, as far as they are from home, they want to have a taste of it while they are here.

Because there are people coming to Las Vegas from all over the world, you don’t just have “Chinese food”.  You have authentic Chinese dishes that you never would have heard of at your local Chinese buffet.  There are dishes from Japan, China, and Korea all in one place, and they are all prepared in such an authentic manner as to impress people who just ate those dishes in those respective countries.

In the case of the mysteriously ordered Korean and Japanese food, I want to run down some of the dishes that Candy was able to sample, because I have just realized after needing to take a break to help Candy out with some stuff, I am spending a tad too much time here.

buta no kakuni

buta no kakuni

Candy really enjoyed this, and she should have, because the small platter with 3 or 4 pieces of pork and a piece of radish was kind of pricey.  I tried a teaspoon of the broth, and it was awesome, but there was no way I would be sampling meat from such a small selection available!  The restaurant where Candy obtained this says that it is 5 hour braised pork belly.  Sounds delicious!

buta no kakuni

buta no kakuni

The wider shot shows nearly all the meat that was in this tray, along with a close up view of what Candy is assuming was a piece of daikon radish.  Everything smelled so great, and Candy was able to finish off everything on the evening it was ordered, so I can tell she really did like it.  More information on that dish could be found here.

http://norecipes.com/recipe/buta-no-kakuni-recipe/

char siu porkbelly with steamed bun

char siu porkbelly with steamed bun

The next dish was Char Siu pork belly with steamed bun and baby spinach leaves with cucumber.  Candy really liked this one too, although again, this was a relatively small portion for the cost.  I don’t try to be cheap when it comes to the food that Candy really wants to try, but she is the one who is disappointed to see what looks like less food than one Chinese lunch special in 5 dishes worth $60.

Not being totally sure exactly how to eat it, Candy makes little sandwiches with the steamed buns and the pork, along with the little veggies too.  That worked out pretty good for her, she was using a steamed bun to wipe up the pork belly sauce from the bottom of that tray.

Here is some more info on char siu pork belly preparation.  This is where I realized that this dish is Chinese and Cantonese and not actually Korean, even though the place Candy ordered from had a Korean theme with Chinese, Cantonese, and Japanese dishes available.

http://rasamalaysia.com/char-siu/

karaage chicken with kewpie mayo and mixed salts

karaage chicken with kewpie mayo and mixed salts

Karaage is the name of a Japanese cooking technique where meat is deep fried in oil, just like french fries.  One dish that Candy ordered was karaage chicken with Kewpie mayo and mixed salts.  The technique is similar to tempura but obviously the batter is different, just like American fried chicken.  Candy enjoyed this just as much as she would have fried chicken, but I’m sure that she wished there was more of it there!  These little trays were pretty small as it is, the mayo and mixed salts nearly took up as much room as all the chicken.  There may have been five or six pieces of chicken in there, and Candy loved it, but she can tell that the Japanese tendency to eat smaller portions doesn’t seem to work very well for her.  Of course.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karaage

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mayonnaise#Japan

Korean galbi bbq short ribs

Korean galbi bbq short ribs

When I review all of the dishes, it appears that one was Japanese, another was Cantonese, and finally I get to a Korean dish.  I was totally misusing the hash tag Korean Food Pics on Twitter, my bad.  The small selection of galbi bbq short ribs was highly satisfying to Candy, but again, the portion size was a serious issue for her.  For the cost of this dish, she could have had me pick up an entire side of ribs and slap them in the oven, but again, this was more than just an eating experience, it was a cultural experience.  I had the opportunity to learn about this food just like she had the opportunity to eat it.

The ribs were cut thin, and served with white rice.  Candy didn’t need to use any of the mixed salts, Japanese mayo, or hot mustard on these.  They were quite tasty, and I noticed that she seemed to enjoy them to the degree that I had to stop everything and get more of a close up on her face as she ripped the meat from the bones with her teeth, eating with her cute fat little sausage fingers.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galbi

wagyu beef, pork belly, and beef tongue kushi

wagyu beef, pork belly, and beef tongue kushi

The next and final plate was a 3 way of kushi.  I looked that up, and it’s a Japanese technique for cooking on skewers.  In the case of these 3 samples of kushi, they were all prepared over binchotan charcoal and served with mixed salts as well in the little tubs.  This is another dish that is actually Japanese inspired, if the name kushi was given to the preparation.  Yet another item that I attached to Korean food photos on twitter mistakenly because Candy just said “Korean restaurant” without telling me it was an Asian variety restaurant with a Korean theme.

There was wagyu beef kushi, which Candy really liked, and when I research it, this name is also associated with kobe, which is another cut of meat that you are going to be paying a bit more for than you would for domestic beef.  That’s why each one of these little entrees was around $8.  Again, this was an accidental order, and at the time she did it, she says she wanted Mexican food.  She still wants Mexican food, so that will probably be her next trip on her food around the world tour.  She won’t stop there though, she already has plans to explore each region in South America in the process.

Back to the kushi though, there was also pork belly kushi, and you know she loved that.  The final one was beef tongue kushi.  Candy mentioned that the beef tongue was kind of unique, and while she ate the hell out of it, that’s something she might not be so eager to go for in the future.  Pork belly is always a safe bet, because it’s basically bacon, and you know Candy loves some bacon.  The wagyu beef seemed kind of wasted on her, because she would have been just as happy with much larger chunks of domestic beef on more than 3 little skewers.

When I ask Candy to recollect exactly what she thought of these, she said that the only one she really liked was the wagyu beef.  She said the tongue was interesting, but she would not get it again.  I may have said that but I took a break and don’t feel like reading back.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kushi_(skewer)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binch%C5%8Dtan

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wagyu

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pork_belly

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beef_tongue

ssbbw candy godiva and the japanese korean feast

ssbbw candy godiva and the Japanese Korean feast

It was a surprise when it showed up, but once it did, and Candy got over the shock of having accidentally ordered it, she consumed every single bite, even if some of these dishes were not her favorite ever.  This was an experience that was quite unique, because Candy often makes a plan for exactly what she wants to eat, and then goes about doing everything in her power to get it.  On this occasion, I wonder if her order was accidentally on purpose, because she was just curious about Korean food, and she did go to the effort of creating this exact order, even if she was playing fantasy football with food choices.

ssbbw candy godiva has an ice cream snack (peppermint)

ssbbw candy godiva has an ice cream snack (peppermint)

Candy was able to finish off that entire feast, although it was barely half of what one big Chinese lunch plate would include, or a crap load of burgers and fries, or so many chicken nuggets that Candy would never want to eat one again in her life.  That evening, after the last of the Japanese and Korean feast was finished, she still wanted something sweet.  Peppermint ice cream did the trick, while I waited on a data transfer to make more room on her C: drive.

This was a really fun experience, even if most of that day was spent doing work on other things while waiting on a delivery to show up, so that Candy could accidentally order food to show up even later, just before trying to cook something she thought she really wanted.  The day after this feast, Candy didn’t waste any time to whip up a BLT sandwhich along with a bowl of left over chili with beans over white rice.

Another blog post must come to an end, it seemed like it would never end, and I am the freaking one writing it! 🙂

 

big butts

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I caught this article about why men like big butts.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2979043/Why-Kim-Kardashian-s-booty-attractive-Men-prefer-women-curved-spines-suggests-better-FORAGING-food.html

What an oversimplification!  Although, I can imagine that if I was asked to point out my preference in the projection of the posterior, I would have answered 90 degrees instead of 45, but I am a super freak for big big butts.

In my case, big butts might happen to come with full, round, soft, sexy thighs.  I should just say “big thighs” but I know that is such a turn off to women that they pay big money to fix this “fault”.  I just love some big thighs.  Thighs that look too big for the rest of the body.  I don’t know how the curvature of the spine would come into play on that though.

I have always assumed that my preference for big thigh ssbbws was because of the enhanced appearance of femininity expressed by such a rounded and curvy silhouette.  I remember old television shows where a guy would create a violin shape with his hands to represent a woman who was “built like a brick shit house”.

I never thought of my preference as being all about “big butts”, but there seems to be a much greater likelihood of a woman having larger than average thighs if she also happens to possess a big round butt.  This is not always the case, I have seen my fair share of women who somehow have a large butt, and thighs smaller than mine.  I don’t want to offend women who happen to have skinny thighs, because I do not believe all men share my perception, but I somehow see skinny thighs and a small butt as masculine.

All of this is a matter of perception though, and just like the way some people saw a white and gold dress and some saw a black and blue one, I see masculinity and femininity expressed by shapes.  As long as I have researched why I might have been afflicted with such a sexual preference, I continue to be surprised at how most explanations go towards survival of the species and evolutionary preferences.

Ever since discovering the Venus of Willendorf statues, I have been enthralled with the possibility that my preference was born not just with me, but somewhere way back in the paleolithic era where those statues originated.  The earliest version of sculpture, and the first human representations are big fat women meant to be worn around the neck.

That is like the invention of art, sculpture, jewelry, and media preferred body types, and it took place over 10,000 years ago!  Long before the first television or magazine, there was something tangible that could be touched and worn that represented a preference for a big old fat woman!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_of_Willendorf

The existence of those statues seems to prove that somewhere throughout time in the paleolithic era, cavemen were carving these things out of stones as the very first sentiment of “I like big butts” was running through their heads.  I have to wonder if there is some kind of cellular memory in place within my very DNA that suggests I may have been related to one of those guys who carved these things.  I have let my hair grow to a point where I actually resemble a caveman now!

caveman obesiverse

caveman obesiverse

Those little statues seemed to have huge breasts, tiny forearms, but a big belly, big round butt, and some substantial thighs.  If you look around at a Wal Mart, you might notice that all big women are not built this way, and while I read somewhere that more women carry weight in the lower half, there are still a lot of top heavy women out there with huge breasts, big belly, tiny butt, narrow hips, and small thighs.

venus of willendorf

venus of willendorf

It seems like a lot is changing in the world of media right now, but as stories come out about the first plus sized woman to appear in a Sports Illustrated ad, or the first “super morbidly obese” woman to sign a major American modeling contract, I am reminded that the first super sized woman in media was created over 10,000 years ago.

These recent achievements are impressive, since for so many years, the media has been focused on a “thin is in” mentality.  In my humble opinion, all of that was done in order to create the billion dollar surgical, diet, and medical device industry.  It seems that the pendulum of time always swings back and forth, and I always thought in the back of my mind that one day, all this obsession with being thin and not being fat was going to eventually cause an equal and opposite effect.

The explosion of bbw content and ssbbw content in the adult areas of the internet is really fascinating to me, because my very first plus sized website specialized in ssbbw, before the bbw niche even existed itself.  Back in 1998 when I started fatfantasy.net with big big big alexis, I didn’t care that the only few other bbw sites out there showed much smaller women.  I never really thought about the possibility that my site could fail, because as much as I was into ssbbw, I knew I could not be the only one.  I wasn’t.

I was inspired by the appearance of a woman who acted under the name Teighlor.  I can’t say how much she weighed exactly, because as much as I am interested in numerology, the numbers side of the fat fetish don’t hold any interest to me at all.  I am more interested in what I can see and perceive, and Teighlor was an ultimate example of the “pear shape” or bottom heavy figure.

She had huge thighs that rolled up on themselves, and hips that extended way outside of her relatively small waist.  She had breasts that were probably large as DDD, but they were dwarfed by her massive arms and hips.  Even with that build, she had a really small belly for her size, although it would still appear huge on a woman under 200lbs.

ssbbw teighlor

ssbbw teighlor

Teighlor was a major influence to me, because way back when I was around 17 or so, I started shopping at adult book stores even though I wasn’t supposed to.  I was able to buy beer so easily that I never hesitated to go to those places before I was 18.  When i saw her, she was the largest woman I had ever seen in adult content.  She didn’t simply prance around showing off clothing like today’s typical ssbbw model, she actually did hardcore porn in several videos.  She appeared in one hardcore sex video with the Ron Jeremy too.

When I saw her in that content, I realize that there was a possibility that I could find another Teighlor.  Of course she would not be exactly like the one and only Teighlor, but there were similar representations out there.  Teighlor made me realize that I might actually find a woman to create exactly the kind of content that I wanted to see more of out there.  At the time, Teighlor really was the only woman that size who was doing the hardcore thing.

If you peek around at corporate porn sites, you still won’t see any women this big doing hardcore porn that is distributed in that way.  I use the word “corporate” because they are the “big sites” that built up with big investors who could advertise for models, and hire specialists to do each and every job.  I am only stuck in the amateur category because I do all the jobs myself and I refuse to invest much of anything into a business that I am amazed is successful at all.

There are plenty of ssbbws coming close to her size modeling now, but again, very few of them will go as far as she did.  I believe that influence, at that early age, contributed to the reason why I am compelled to go further than doing just eating videos or videos of ssbbw walking around in different outfits.  I was not aroused by that type of material myself, so it never occurred to me to limit my content to those boundaries.

Teighlor and Layla Lashell actually appeared in a movie called “The Dark Backward”, so they have a genuine movie credit to their names.  I believe that Teighlor was in a few, but I am getting to that, or not.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101660/

still from The Dark Backward

still from The Dark Backward

Teighlor’s credit in that movie is “Debra Perkins”, and I can’t find Layla Lashell in the credits, but I remember a reference to Layla Anthony in the past, and that doesn’t show either.  Layla does have her own IMDB actress page though, and it’s quite extensive.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0489538/

So, I am excited about Kelly Shibiri appearing on the cover of Penthouse, and the woman in that bikini ad in Sports Illustrated, and the big sexy woman with tattoos who actually got the big modeling firm to notice her as a serious fashion model for people who aren’t perfect, but still incredibly beautiful.

There is so much more media out there, but it looks like I really got off the subject there.  I started out talking about “big butts” and went into so many different areas.  I could have focused on that one aspect, and pointed out how the butt was relevant in every situation, but it’s probably obvious how a big butt is something all these things have in common.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/30/penthouse-forum-plus-size-model_n_5240266.html

Oh, since I brought up the penthouse thing, here is a link for you.  I was buzzed one night and started to email back and forth with Shibiri on Facebook to let her know how important I thought this accomplishment was.  I was too loaded, talked too much, and probably freaked her out. 🙂

All this is relevant because there is an obvious way in which society has been rejecting this inner impulse to visually appreciate the appearance of fat.  It seems like some kind of guilty pleasure, and a friend from a long time ago put it really good with this expression.  “Fat chicks are like mopeds.  Everybody wants to ride one, but nobody wants to be seen on one.”  A fat chick told me that!  I thought I had heard it all, but this was before the internet, and before I had an opportunity to do much more research about fat chicks than hang out in malls and supermarkets.

Back before the internet, it was quite a task to find a plus sized woman “out there”, much less a super sized one.  The super sized women must have existed, as they always have, since 10,000 years ago, but they were usually shuttered away somewhere, in a back room of a house where some family member is taking care of them.  They were “protected” and “isolated”.  There was no way for someone like me to find them, which is why I actually got certified as a nursing assistant, to work in nursing homes, where one might happen to reside.

I know, that is fucking diabolical.  i can’t believe I did that myself, but I still have the certification, it’s from 1996, before there was such a thing as a bbw dating site.  By the way, never use niche dating sites.  It is tempting to believe you could find a local fatty on one of those, but there is just no way.  There are way more than enough bbws out there to populate the nationally popular dating sites, so using those will give you the greatest odds of finding a real life local bbw, not some fake profile that was put there to make it look like there is even one freaking local WHERE YOU LIVE.

Anyway, fuck bbw dating sites, that’s out of the way.  I did go so far as getting a freaking nursing assistant certification, and spent nearly a whole tax return on that freaking course.  I also worked for free for 40 hours of “clinical” in a real “long term facility”.  That shit was some of the most traumatic, fucked up experience of my entire life.  It was a depression that I could feel, weighing me down, making it hard to breathe and even walk.

When I walked into the first patient’s room and got his back story, the instructor looked at me and asked me if I was ok, because I had turned more white than I already am, and was obviously in some kind of total daze.

The guy was a professor of something at a local college, and he had a heart attack and died, but was revived too late.  He just sat there looking like someone who had been lobotomized, holding on to this little teddy bear.  I almost lost my shit.  I did not understand what the meaning of the word “empath” was at that time, but I do now, and I can still almost feel what I felt while I was standing in that room 19 years ago.

I knew that I could stick out the 40 hours, even after that experience, but I also knew I never wanted to work in that kind of environment.  I did get to bathe a 70 something year old plumper with a nice set of breasts on her, but it was uncomfortable for me because I wasn’t old enough to develop the more deviant part of my sexuality just yet.

From that experience, I now understand why I have this fascination with older women’s breasts.  It seems like with some women, the breasts just stop aging somewhere around 40, so somehow, there are 40 year old breasts on a 70 year old woman.  I know, that is so freaking horrible, this is why I never allowed myself to work in a real nursing home after getting the certification.  I knew that I was not aroused the first time I washed an old lady’s breasts, but I shudder to think what could have happened if I had developed that little kink.  I know about “abuse of the infirm”, and how serious that shit is.

I would never push anyone to do anything against their will, but a part of me has thought deeply enough about what “could have happened” to imagine that even if an older lady was seriously enjoying anything I wanted to do with her, there are people who would assume that she was not in total control of what she was doing, and I was taking advantage of her.  Maybe that would not be the case nowadays, but back in the 90’s, you didn’t have all this “cougar” propaganda in the media.  A young guy doing much of anything with a 60 or 70 year old would just be looked upon in one way and one way only.

Wow, I went on quite a trip there!  It’s ironic that because i was certified as a nursing assistant, one of the cons that Alexis in Florida ran on me was that she knew a woman who might be institutionalized because she was super sized but had nobody to take care of her.  Alexis was such a total liar, and back in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I was incredibly fucking naive.

Alexis is the woman I started fatfantasy.net with.  When the internet finally did happen, and I was meeting my share of plus and super sized women in my late 20’s, I came across this woman who was the largest woman i had ever seen besides Teighlor.  She was no where nearly as facially charismatic as Teighlor was, but I was amazed and impressed with her huge body.

Now I understand why women say “I am not a fetish”.  I also got a very good lesson in the term “bagger”.  I was literally seeing Alexis as a fetish.  All I saw was her short stature, and her amazing neck down resemblance to Teighlor.  I made promises I could not keep with her, because as young and foolish as I was, I thought I could resist the temptation of going off on my own with any one of the more charismatic bbws that I was working with at the time.

alexis of fatfantasy.net

alexis of fatfantasy.net

When I think back to how all that went down, I can actually feel somewhat guilty now.  I was not prepared for the responsibility of taking care of Alexis and maintaining my younger desire to experience being with as many ssbbws out there who would let me, until someone would cast some kind of spell on me to stop it.  I think that is what Alexis thought when she encouraged me to marry her, which was not a very good decision on my part when I think back.

I was encouraging a delusion she had that I was the perfect devoted husband.  I really did not deserve to be in the position I was in at that time, because now that I am older, I take responsibility for conning her in the same way she constantly lied to me.

I had a vision of what could happen if me and her partnered up for this ssbbw project.  When I look back, I did a lot of stuff wrong in the technical department just like I did in the relationship department.  Alexis was a supreme pathological liar, but now that I am more mature, I can think back to the ways I pushed her to lie so hard to me.

I started out making big promises that I should have known better than to ever make.  I knew that I was not totally attracted to her, but more amazed with her substantially huge body.  Looking at her in some of the old photos, I think that I was really harsh on her at the time.  I was just so young and dumb though.  How could she have ever thought I was able to be totally sincere as I watched all these bbws and ssbbws walk around wearing next to nothing, or sometimes just nothing?

I was lucky to get to photograph everyone that I photographed.  I think back to some of the photos that I created, and how I will still occasionally see one of my own photos grouped together with the oldest examples of super massive models out there.  I knew I was on to something with Alexis, but now I realize that I should have kept it strictly business, and not tried to incorporate a relationship into our partnership.

With Candy, it’s different.  I am attracted to her in a way that I am attracted to nobody else.  From the very first time I saw her, I felt something within me change ever so slightly.  It did not cause any kind of instant maturity or reaction, but after meeting her, I could not let her go.  If there was a possibility that I could have her, I had to have her, and that’s the kind of attraction I never had for Alexis.

Back in February of 2008, I told Candy that I was tired of working with other people, and I was ready to go monogamous.  It was less than a year later she would leave for the first time.  I have repeated that over and over in the course of this blog, but it is relevant, because in the end, I was the one who left Alexis and fatfantasy.net behind forever.

When Candy left me both times, I was left on my own for 4 months and then another 8 months to consider everything that was wrong with me, and how wrong I was to so many people in my past who would have stuck by me no matter what a dick or alcoholic or whatever I was.  The minute I find someone that I want to give my heart to exclusively, I lose her, and a part of me felt like I deserved it.

me and alexis so long ago

me and alexis so long ago

When I look at this photo of me with her, I realize that she wasn’t that bad.  The last time Candy was gone I would have felt fortunate to meet a woman with even less charisma.  Actually, when Candy was gone last time, I did get with at least one woman who was not as impressive as Alexis was at her worst. I was depressed, drunk, and missing Candy though, so I felt lucky to get that at the time.

I’m really glad that I set out to write this.  I know that I ended up going way out into left field by talking about Alexis and fatfantasy.net, but honestly, Alexis was the very first example of a really ginormous butt on the level of Teighlor that I ever experienced being with.  Years later, i would meet just a few more women who came close to the size and shape that Teighlor had, but after my experience with Alexis, I knew that it would take more than a “big butt” to make me fall in love.

When I left Florida, I left fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net after experiencing “online success” for the very first time.  I think it made quite an impression, because I would go on to create 3 more member websites, all related to bbw, and all created with some kind of need to avenge myself in the loss of all the content I created years ago.

I had a set of 21 cd’s with all the photos that I took with the digital camera while in Florida.  I kept those things for years, until one year, I got this weird depression and decided to cut them all up.  Before doing it, I saved one cd worth of images that I carefully selected from all the cd’s, and then I destroyed everything else.  I had been tortured by the fact that I had all this content that I created and could not use it for so many years.  I will always feel kind of weird about it, and a sense of loss after doing it, but within a month of destroying all those cd’s, I heard that Alexis had passed away.

I went looking around for the folder that contains those images, because I happened to save all the images that I took of Alexis.  I didn’t find them just yet, but they are backed up somewhere, likely on multiple dvd’s and also on a hard drive that is not in use right now.  If I were able to choose the right photo of Alexis, and locate the right photo of Teighlor, and put them one after another, it would be easy to see why I got so freaked out that I let myself freaking get married to this woman after knowing her less than a year.

The vision I had in my head of the potential for the success I could create clouded my judgement about how to actually exist in that situation in harmony with Alexis and with myself.  I was just way too immature at that time, and I never imagined that I could ever create something that would start churning out as much as a thousand a month just by photographing someone and posting the photos on a website.

I’m sure that at the time, the smaller bbws who were getting into this would look at us like we were some kind of circus freaks, because even now, Candy is hesitant to go to anything “bbw related” because she knows how she will be perceived by some of the smaller bbws.  She herself used to perceive someone who is her size now as being weak and unhealthy.  Now she can’t help but project that assumption on to others, and it doesn’t help when many of them are not very social to her.  That might have more to do with me and my bad behavior in the past, or the fact that Candy will admit to me sometimes that she “really doesn’t like people very much”.

Ok, this was about big butts, not the prejudice that bbws seem to have for ssbbws.  That is a real thing though, I am not making it up.  That’s probably why I used to get so pissed when bbw bashes would advertising while using the words “size acceptance”, because I know deep down that it’s bullshit.

SSBBW Candy Godiva has a big butt

SSBBW Candy Godiva has a big butt

Now THAT is a BIG BUTT!  Candy’s got one.  She was also blessed with those big thighs I am so attracted to, or I see as being “ultra feminine” in appearance.  I can’t help it if skinny thighs look masculine to me.  At this point, I see a woman as more than just body parts, but in order for my penis to operate at full effectiveness, I also tend to prefer certain things over others.

So, I am not with Candy because she has big thighs, and I push all kinds of negative shit about her out of my mind.  Candy just happens to have this wonderfully compatible, sexy personality with mine, and she “just happens” to have big thighs too.  It is actually possible to “have it all”.

Ok, Candy woke up from a nap, and I’m over 4000 words, so I should pick some tags and get the hell out of here!  I hope this is helping my writing get better, even if I do tend to skip from subject to subject with the tiniest hair of a connection between them! 🙂

I almost forgot, while talking about Layla Lashell, that she appeared in “album art” way back before a newer younger ssbbw started appearing in music videos.

layla lashell in album art for tool undertow

layla lashell in album art for tool undertow

To quote the wiki page for the Tool Undertow album, “The album art was designed by Adam Jones.[6] Photos in the liner notes of a nude obese woman, a nude man of normal weight, and the band members with pins in the sides of their heads generated controversy, resulting in the album being removed from stores such as Kmart and Wal-Mart.”

Great job Layla, you got Tool kicked out of Wal-Mart!!! 🙂  SSBBWs, always causing trouble! 🙂 I’ve had 8 different youtube channels deleted because they say Candy’s belly is “obscene” even when there is NO NUDITY.

I just came back to add something that may actually be relevant to the preference for big butt ssbbws.  I am near sighted.  That means that my vision can get a little blurry past a few feet in front of me.  I was not diagnosed as a child up until I was nearly 12 or so.  It is hard for me to pick the exact age, because I don’t seem to have the ability to remember exact years.

In either case, I have a theory that at that early age, while my sexuality was first forming, there was some need to have additional cues to insure that I was looking at a woman versus a male.  If things got fuzzy past a certain point, it stands to reason that maybe, I needed the visual cues of femininity to be spectacular and unmistakable.

In this age of transgender acceptance, I realize why I may have had some objection to being totally accepting of people who switch gender.  There is a possibility that my entire preference was born at an age where my vision encouraged me to pursue women based on factors of unmistakable femininity.

I had my first revelation of being attracted to ssbbws at the age of 16, when a guy on the school bus mentioned seeing the biggest girl in my school getting dressed through her window.  He was being offensive and insulting about it, but as I pictured it in my mind, I started to get a massive erection.

Of course, she had the wide hips, big, big butt, and sexy big thighs that I am still obsessed with to this day.  I attempted to go out with her, and I was not secretive about it in the least.  She was kind of freaked out by my attention and she stopped seeing me.

The rejection wasn’t such a big deal, but I realized that there was basically “nobody left” in my entire high school that I would be really attracted to once I realized I was attracted to her and she dumped me.  She was the biggest one, where would I go from there?

When I was 17 I looked old enough to buy beer, and the drinking age had not been jacked up to 21.  I started hanging out at bars, and eventually, I came across another woman with a similar shape, who was quite a bit smaller.  She was in her early 20’s, so she was an “older woman” in addition to being just “big enough” to capture my attention in a bar that may have held about 40 to 50 people at the time.

That woman would end up being my first ex wife.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but there was “something missing”.  I thought I was totally content with a bbw just under 300lbs who had the shape I am so attracted to.  It turned out, my lack of sexual experience would catch up with me, and not long after getting married, I had a little bit of an experimental fling with a top heavy woman.

I had to get out of that first marriage because I knew that there was something out there that I was meant to discover, to do, or to create.  I probably could have created content with my first ex wife if the internet existed at that time, but the problem is in the way I don’t think I would have become a computer tech if I had stayed married to her.  If I hadn’t become a computer tech, I probably would not have had the confidence to become a webmaster later.

Now I have told a story within a story, long after I was going to stop this post!  I wanted to express the possibility that my vision issue at an early age caused me to distinguish males from females by examining the whole body from head to toe, instead of relying on typical cues of femininity.

Even years after vision was corrected, there must have still been some lingering need to distinguish male from female by body type, because the instant I pictured that girl’s huge butt swinging back and forth nude as she walked, I would forever be afflicted with a serious attraction to a really large butt.

I have said it over and over, that smaller thighs appear masculine in my perception, but for some reason, it never hit me until now that being near sighted at an early age and not having it corrected until later might have had a not so subtle effect on my sexual preference for a super size bbw.

 

 

forced addiction transfer or FAT

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It has been quite a while…  Even now, I want to do something else, so maybe for once, I can keep it short and sweet…

I have been drifting off into never land with all my wild thoughts and potentially irrational assumptions for a long time.  I have decided that I may have to return to this activity, even if a part of me wonders what it is all about after I have created hundreds of posts that are tens of thousands of words long, and then delete all of it and start over again…

A part of ‘this place’ is going to be about ‘me’, and another part of it is going to be some serious shit that I seem to come up with involuntarily and almost compulsively bombard Candy with to the point where she literally has a head ache…  I need to put it here, and stop giving Candy migraines…  And, stop bugging people on the face book… 🙂

I have had a ‘bug up my ass’ for a very long time about the ‘weight loss surgery’.  I have read extensively, comprehended partially, and asserted my opinions rather randomly, for a long, long time now…  None of it seemed to really make much sense probably, and I was too lazy to even go back and re read any of it myself.  I am sure I would find some of it brilliant, some of it stupid, and some of it just drunk rambling nonsense…  None of that matters now, because it is gone… All of it… Maybe a part of me thought it was such shit that I had to start over.  I believe a prior post addressed the possibility that I created it all just to delete it years later and confuse the fuck out of anyone who even noticed any of it was going on at all…

I have googled the term “forced addiction transfer”, and I welcome you to do the same.  It is ironic, at least to me, that as I google this term, I am ‘obesity biased’ because of my prior experience and rather confusing sexual fixation on super morbidly obese human females.  It should have come as no surprise that as I attempt some feeble research on the seemingly random string of words, I find several references to weight loss surgery.

I thought for a second I might be re-inventing the wheel, and I would have found some result, somewhere in that very first page, where those words were strung together, and google would even provide a convenient bold type on those words and a short paragraph before and after them.  As it turns out, that wasn’t the case.  Maybe if I dug just a little deeper before bragging about my discovery on face book, I could have found other connections to this phenomenon that have been very well documented and carefully considered in some random ‘fat blog’ somewhere on the internets…

I saw ‘junk food science’ come up, of course, a professionally written, beautiful in all of it’s effort and eloquent in the writer’s style and thorough investigation.  Of course that writer would dive into this topic, because they are such a logical match of psychological phenomenon.  My own issues with self discipline, self control, addiction, and compulsive behavior would help me to understand more about what the words “addiction transfer” actually mean, from a very real perspective of experience and pain.

I may have written about and deleted previously issues that I developed when I became worried about the legal liability of using one drug and subsequently switched over to a more legally acceptable one.  This would have pleased ‘society’, but unfortunately, the woman that I consciously or sub-consciously choose to love would not be able to handle this change on a deep emotional level.  Her prior experience with users of this legally accepted alternative caused her great emotional distress, up to and maybe beyond what one would call “PTSD”.   What was worse than her having this condition was her own lack of understanding of it.  If she could not get to the bottom of what was making her such a bitch, all I could do was evolve, adapt, and attempt to compromise.

There could be no compromise between two people who both refused to give up their ‘drug of choice’ just because it was emotionally inconvenient for both of them…  This caused much greater pain and tragedy for both parties, and I acted out in ways that I have not experienced for over a decade when I felt someone ripped me off and stole my money, my credit, and my very “artwork” for a year’s time.  Of course, later I would realize that all of that mess was my own fault because of my bad decisions and young dumb judgement…  I paid, I learned, I matured, I moved on.

One day while watching Dr. Phil of all people (it’s almost painful to even type it), I saw him say that you can’t break a bad habit, you can only replace it with a constructive activity.  The way I interpreted that was, the ability to switch over from one bad compulsion to another bad compulsion is “addiction transfer”.  Switching over from one negative compulsion to a “good” one is thought to be “breaking a bad habit”.  It is painfully, blatantly obvious that in order to really solve all those issues entirely would be to figure out exactly what about the human mind causes some people to be more compulsive than others, and then, how do we specifically address compulsive behavior and “addiction” without being clouded by greed and a desire to mold the media’s message in a way that we create a “rehab society”.  Rehab from sex addiction, rehab from drugs, rehab from behaving badly.

It troubles me to know, deep down, that this rehab society has turned to the “dark side” where obesity and the compulsion of over eating is involved.  I realize that there is so much more money to be made so much faster by cutting someone open rather than digging into their mind.  It is also painfully obvious to me that the total lack of interest in digging into the ‘obese mind’ is due to the fast cash to be made by desperate people who are willing to have perfectly healthy organs cut out and altered in order to control behavior.

In my personal experience, as I sit and type this, I am stopping myself from wasting time entirely by playing a long, complex, and involved video game.  When I decide to sit in that game, I am stopping myself from bombarding some useless and pointless face book page with random thoughts.  When I am particularly distressed, this behavior can even begin to creep onto others with emails and little posts on this or that “thread” of conversation that I am not really invited to join.  In doing all of that, I would also inadvertently be avoiding the thought of drinking alcohol, because I seem to really enjoy getting intoxicated on alcohol just past the point where my partner is comfortable.  The ‘compulsive’ aspect of my behavior is simply that I won’t restrict myself from it’s use entirely, but when I do allow myself to have it, I know there is a certain point within a certain level of intoxication where I will want to consume more than I set out to before I started drinking to begin with.

Candy would argue this makes me “alcoholic”, and I could agree that this is a problem.  At this same time, I am not physically dependent on alcohol because of several reasons.  It is not my “drug of choice” to begin with.  It is a drug that I turned to in an effort to use “addiction transfer” in a positive way to reduce the legal liability of using my real drug of choice, which is a plant, which is a true tragedy in and of itself considering that it is not physically addictive.  I do not have a “craving” for alcohol when I do not have it in my possession, but when I do get it, I tend to get enough so that I will have two “doses”.  The internal test once I have it is if I can stop myself when under it’s influence from digging into that second day’s worth, eliminating the second day’s total potential effect, and therefore, taking the second potential day of it’s use away from myself in the process of violating a rule I made for myself while sober.

I realize that this is very similar to the way that Candy gets chinese take out.  She would typically buy enough to have two day’s worth.  The problem is, she would actually consider having two huge servings on the first day, and maybe just a little left over for a second day.  Candy can’t get the same “rush” on a subsequent day because she will always consume more than half on the first day.  While she makes the accusatory assumption that I am just “an alcoholic”, she is engaging in the very same behavior, and over time, this behavior would contribute to her potential immobility, and shortened mortality.

When considering “addiction transfer”, and my own ability to guide my compulsive behaviors into activities that could be more constructive, positive, and beneficial for my own future, I have to consider that my addiction transfer “technique” is voluntary.  When I consider just how many things I have turned to in order to satisfy some compulsive behavior to do something “too much”, I realize that there is no one substance or activity that could “be enough” to ever really solve the appetite of the compulsive mind.  The simple realization of this helps me to guide that energy towards areas of my life that need improvement, and obviously self discovery.

In a way, I realize that my recent use of the phrase “automatic addiction transfer” seemed to switch on a light, and give me ideas about how “rehab tech” has remained the same forever without having to evolve for the changing marketplace of “brand new addictions” coming along left and right.  Abstinence is the only conclusion by a rehab society in a phase of our history where obesity is the new “moral panic” for whatever reason, and the media creates more and more obesity hysteria as they cash in on advertising products meant to “help”.  All the while they ignore one inconvenient pathological factor to obesity, ad 36. The “fat virus” that you never hear about on the news as you hear people rant about obesity on a daily or weekly basis.  That is another post entirely, but it kind of fits in, as I am already tempted to wrap this up, but realize it is way too in depth to cover “right now”.

I am lucky that I was able to fight any form of compulsive eating behavior from an early age.  I was “chubby” when I was a kid, but I started working from the month that I turned old enough to work, and that amount of activity and a few small changes helped me to reach what would be considered an “average” weight.  There were several motivating factors for this, the very first would be “girls”.  Because I realized at an early age I was attracted to women who are “larger” to say the least, I felt that I should make myself as physically appealing as possible in order to increase my probability of successfully meeting and of course fucking some really big fat chicks in my life.

Until I reached a certain emotional plateau, I didn’t realize that my super fat sexual conquests were actually compulsive behavior as well.  Even through three marriages, I never met someone that I could really place a deep emotional attachment on until I was in my 30’s.  Once that emotional attachment took place, I could voluntarily become monogamous even though I had the option to remain in an “open relationship” like some old creepy “swingers”.

I just didn’t want it anymore.  I didn’t enjoy searching for, flirting with, seducing, fucking, and filming other women anymore.  Once there was a real emotional connection to someone I had never felt, everything changed.  I would still be afflicted with other compulsive behaviors, but screwing any big giant fat woman who let me would no longer be one of them.  I believe that was a form of “automatic addiction transfer”, because I went from one compulsion to fuck all kinds of fat women and film it all to put on my website, to a much darker, much more difficult, and much more emotionally tedious and impossible task of really pleasing just one woman.

When I came up with the idea of “Forced Addiction Transfer”, or FAT, it was out of frustration and the great sense of pain I feel when I realize that people who modify their otherwise healthy, working, cancer free internal organs in order to change just one compulsive behavior are being used as test subjects in order to embrace forced addiction transfer as a viable way of extracting money from obese people.  Notice I did not say “as a viable way of curing obesity”, because the cure for all obesity is in the head, not in the gut.  People who dig in our heads are very expensive though, and they take a long, long time.  Bariatric surgery is so much cheaper in the long run, yet it obviously has greater profit potential up front.  Surgery is to make money, not to cure obesity.

Surgery creates what I believe is an inhumane psychological condition of forced addition transfer, or FAT.  This is why it is so well documented that many post surgicals become alcoholics, or drug users.  Without addressing the underlying causes of compulsive behavior, it appears to me, an uneducated “sexual dimorphist”, that initiating forced addiction transfer through any surgery that restricts natural ability to “eat” is simply piling on.  This creates an even more intense need to fulfill the compulsive behavior through another avenue.  The choice will probably be made early, in the first few weeks of adapting to having a compulsive behavior that cannot be fulfilled without greater pain, misery, suffering, complications, and maybe even death.

This is why in my opinion, any surgery to address compulsive behavior is going to have horrible long term effects.  These effects will not simply be felt by the ones who have had the surgery alone.  The singular decision to have surgery will effect everyone connected to the individual, because all acquaintances will be forced to adapt along with the individual to this cruel experimental rehab technique.  We live in a rehab society that survives through it’s consistent message of abstinence.  By selling people surgery as a “cure”, we are telling them that they are beyond all hope of psychological help in addressing their underlying compulsive behaviors.  Because they are both the perpetrator and the victim, they must be punished, even if it means executing the cruelest possible punishment on one’s self.

If the entire rehab model works on abstinence, it is particularly cruel from my perspective to encourage people to become “surgical anorexics”.  While I watch media, I pay particular attention to those who attempt to discourage anorexia with a straight face.  If we live in an abstinence based rehab model society, then we must encourage the super morbidly obese to become anorexic to “fix them”, even if it means forcing them to become anorexic through surgery.  I don’t know about “most people”, but I think all of this is sick.  I have to hope that my own obesity bias doesn’t contribute to a feeling that I was more right than I ever wanted to be when I saw this strategy as “shrink’em or kill’em”.

I have been typing the words “obesity conspiracy” a few times on face book here and there as well.  While that is a topic that could not possibly be covered in just one post, I would like to associate this one issue with that larger “system”.  While it is easy to dismiss anyone who hypothesizes the existence of any alleged conspiracy as a complete nut bag, there is so much data to suggest that “something is going on behind the scenes”, that it is almost impossible to ignore.  It goes a lot deeper than medical device manufacturers that made a whole lot of quick cash and now want to sell the obesity division because the profits are down after this “low mortality rate” surgery started killing people one after another in Los Angeles a few years back.  I’m sure they would not mind dumping the division before all the class action suits come in as well.  After a few more years passes, they will.

Forced Addiction Transfer theory is very real, and it started from the minute some surgeon figured out that he could cut out some guts, make some cash, and the “patient” or “test subject” would lose weight.  For as long as this type of human vivisection has existed, studies to figure out what happens up to five years after having surgery were only just recently released.  The results were not quite as “cure” as the medical community wanted, and that is why you have seen the effort to sell surgery toned down considerably.  It still exists, but now it is limited to those who can “pay up front” and those who are not paying at all.  The ones who are not paying at all have much higher rates of complications and death, because this is just the excuse a doctor needs to eliminate one more social security recipient.  Sad, crazy sounding, and hopefully for all of us, Not true at all…

 

 

 

disclaimer

2

i thought it would be appropriate to take a moment, in the exact moment when ‘the buzz’ hit.  just 2 beers would be enough for that tiny, starter buzz on alcohol.  oh, it’s sweet.  you want to sit back and smile for a second, just taking in the realization that you are lucky enough to be drinking this substance, feeling its effects, and not being fucked with by anything or anyone at any moment.

giant futon, nearly too big

giant futon, nearly too big

of course, there is the possibility that Candy might want something, but the probability is low currently because of a recently delivered cup full of green colored lemon lime flavored Kool aid, plus the second half of a huge plate of Panda Express take out that was created earlier today.

seattle, lucky bastards, celebration when the new legalization of cannabis goes into effect

seattle, lucky bastards, celebration when the new legalization of cannabis goes into effect

i wanted to drunk blog a sec.  yeah.  fucking yeah!  no, not really.  it’s not just the beer, the ice beer at %5.9 alcohol, it’s also the ‘spice’.  i picked up a variety from a smoke shop that is on Swenson right around the corner.  the place across the street has a few varieties, but this one seems to have some kick to it.  i wish i knew the exact chemical formulation of each variety that i am so willing to be a test subject for.

taco bell feast, may not have been in a video... ever... not that particular one... :>

taco bell feast, may not have been in a video… ever… not that particular one… :>

Candy should be my ‘drug’.  She is, actually.  On any given moment, if anything I perceive is ‘wrong’ where to happen, just touching her would immediately bring me to a place where i am solid, resolved, and i can handle any kind of shit i have to in the given moment.  i can think of myself as lucky to be granted with that rare opportunity.  i get to be around this wonderful person almost all the time.  i take a moment, frequently, and remember how lucky i am, for so many reasons.

400 million, it's a 'thing'

400 million, it’s a ‘thing’

when i think back to the way i was about 15 years ago, i would say that i was pussy whipped and a virtual slave.  now, i have to recognize that because of the unique combination of chemicals released in my human brain while i am around her, most of the time, i can say, as the same ‘person’, over a decade later, that i am lucky and proud to be in the position of being a slave to the most amazing person that i have had the good fortune to have met and been given the opportunity to have and lose so many times in this fleeting thing we call a life bound by the thing we perceive as reality.

run on sentences, i know.  maybe i’ll edit later.

ambulance rip off

ambulance rip off

i’m laying it on, maybe i should hit ‘the diph’.  whoa.  diphenhydramine.  why give me hydroxyzine when there is already diph?  i’m probably spelling it wrong, but the spell check messes up prozac.

photo in time article called 'your brain in love'. damned feeders...

photo in time article called ‘your brain in love’. damned feeders…

i got all juiced up, let myself log in here, and started freaking Depeche Mode Black Celebration entire ‘album’.  yeah, those big things.  oh god i’m so fucking old.  i know, i’m supposed to be ‘positive’, but i keep busting my own balls because i have paved a path of unnoticed injustice and irrelevant malevolence. in this ‘thing’, i can at least call myself an asshole and it might do somebody some good, hopefully me, maybe even someone else.

mrbigfatvideo fat youtube termination

mrbigfatvideo fat youtube termination

i’m not going to ‘hit the diph’ tho.  as wild as i will let myself run barefoot in the interwebs, i won’t go all crazy and shit.  i never did get my nitrous oxide tho… that would be ‘doing it big’ you know.  lol  that shit is like food related and entheogen related!  no way!  who cares?  cannabis cures cancer!  yeah right.  who cares?  really?  anyway… lol no context… it’s so fucked up.  at least i can type fuck and not f8ck like i feel compelled in facebook.  daring them all the time to delete me while i censor myself. sad. 🙂

megacandyfan fat youtube termination

megacandyfan fat youtube termination

i have to put it out there, because i have to say, honestly, if i’m going to be all neutral and shit… there is a lot of shit going on all over the place all over here all the time.  as a ‘maybe local’ i need to get my shit together.  i also have to say, up front, as much as the asshole who used to write this thing may have talked shit about any kind of attempt to get any social group going, forget all that shit.  i think i was playing a character who cared about that shit so much, when he could use it, like any distraction, to avoid his own problems. 🙂  I am fortunate to be able to say that money isn’t an issue to going to this thing or that thing, but the problem is there is ‘everything’.  there is also the limitations that i have learned are holding Candy back, and i have learned nearly the exact degree that she may be able to get away with and handle easily.

obesiverse fat youtube termination

obesiverse fat youtube termination

after all, this woman wanted to move to freaking vegas, she spent 3 days cooped up riding shotgun in the too small cab of a big ass moving van to get there.  she did suffer though.  either way, she wanted it, she’s got it, and now i got to make this shit happen.  i’ve been a lazy fuck.  honestly.  getting back somehow to a point if there is one because this is admittedly intoxicated writing.  we can’t go to ‘everything’.  we could go to this and that, but it’s not a big ambition, and there isn’t a big drive inside of us to justify spending the money it would take to even attempt to go to everything.  i am ‘here’, so there are probably ways i could contribute to this or that, but i have never put myself out there, and people in those circles do not have incentive to involve just anyone local because of so many people who run cons and shit out here.  i think i’ve afflicted Candy with my cheapness too… instead of spending hundreds on this or that thing, she would rather split it up into food frenzies and clothing sprees.  she knows i want to blow 300 or so on a ‘quad core 8gb ram 2 terabyte hard drive’ machine that i would build myself for just that much, and she knows that i could afford it but i put it off because i keep getting by with what i have because it works.  i kind of want it, but whatever.  not many people do that it seems. 🙂

luvembigger fat youtube termination

luvembigger fat youtube termination

i’ve always been a 20K guy.  i’ve had the choice to go higher at times, but in the worlds that i have participated in, from one end of the spectrum to another, i was just more comfortable in that area.  kind of sad.  but…  it lowered the bar on how much i had to make to just sit on my ass and ‘be my own boss’ and all that jazz. 🙂  so… it’s like being ‘poor by choice’ but not really suffering as a result.  if anything, we’re not taking advantage of our poorness to the point we could be and it’s not uncomfortable. 🙂

black diamond bontanical incense

black diamond bontanical incense reviewed

i was lucky that i chose to acquire car repair skills and computer repair skills, because it lent a hand in the situation that i happened to end up in, by choice, or by the sum of several small choices.  i could maintain an old piece of shit to the point where i’m not making payments, only paying liability insurance, and whatever seems to go wrong by will of god or fate has not prevented me from fixing it so i can keep driving it.

microwave pastry

microwave pastry

i don’t have to make a lot, and so therefore, i choose not to, and now, of course, the additional incentive of ‘affordable care act’ is quite attractive. 🙂  i used to criticize this stuff, and now i’m like “bring it on! where’s my free shit?”  i’m legit.  i pay my taxes, i’m part of the ‘working poor’ even if i’m ‘self employed’. 🙂  fucking reality.  gotta love it.  i had to switch over from depeche mode to duran duran, namesake album, entire album.  ‘anyone out there?’

ssbbw candy godiva withy almost $60 in panda express take out

ssbbw candy godiva withy almost $60 in panda express take out

this blog would come into being shortly after the announcement of the ‘end obesity in a generation’ campaign.  i don’t have the credentials, but i would love to have offered several opportunities to get to the bottom of this whole ‘obesity thing’. 🙂  for example, my desire to get access to an entire group of ‘super morbidly obese’ individuals in a MRI session that could accommodate them, to further explore the potential neurological links between them in order to find the ‘common thread’ that is so important in finding an eventual resolution.

way too much panda express!

way too much panda express!

yes… the answer… a resolution… now… think about that for a second…  big food…. food inc…  they might not be too happy with all of that.  they are an ‘ally’ in the way that they are the only force that stands in the way of full out war on anything with the ‘obesity’ tag associated with it.  obesity is the enemy!  obesity is fatal!  obesity is the devil!  omfg who do we burn first?  hahahaha

one toaster oven cooked, frozen, fried shrimp

one toaster oven cooked, frozen, fried shrimp

we can’t just ‘solve obesity’ in the sense that we can keep over consuming mass quantities of shit that is obviously not good for us.  it’s sold to us every two to three minutes on all cable networks twenty four hours a day seven days a week.  fucking right we have marketing dominance.  hire billy mayes, wait, he’s dead, the austrailian guy… whoever… 🙂  we can’t eat as much as we want as often as we want and sit around without a consequence.  that’s part of ‘the balance’.  if we could ‘solve obesity’ in one swipe, then america and china would starve the rest of the world immediately.

ssbbw candy godiva behind $58 worth of panda express take out

ssbbw candy godiva behind $58 worth of panda express take out

so then…  it’s the compulsion to eat mass quantities.  wonder why?  i’m sure that all of the neurologically sensitive ingredients like MSG don’t have anything to do with it, or AD-36 the ‘fat virus’, or genetic tendency towards obesity when the mother is obese while pregnant…  Maybe the fact that we are raised generation after generation with more and more convenience and a lack of physical activity.  If I dare to mention ‘the balance’ then i have to take many more variables into consideration for meaningful insight.  the balance would dictate that obesity is a future consequence, not an epidemic.

breaded fried shrimp with tail, heated in toaster oven and further browned as well

breaded fried shrimp with tail, heated in toaster oven and further browned as well

forget all of that… personal responsibility!  willpower!  your a failure!  buy this!  buy that!  lol that’s what it’s all about, the hustle…  capitalism, glorious capitalism.  i lick the tip of your powerful, glowing, pulsating cock every day!  you are my god, in you i trust!  lol  weird… make a note.  it’s like i’m obligated.  while i ‘own the name’ obesiverse, i am the god of obesiverse.  i am, therefore, ‘obesiverse’.  while i may not value the essence of what i have created over time, i can’t deny the fact that it did penetrate certain areas of interest because of it’s absolute literary insanity.

ice. time is slower, colder.

ice. time is slower, colder.

if you were given the opportunity to just ‘switch’, with an alternate personality, that was only slightly different, would you do it for the sake of helping not only yourself, but those around you who were just generally ‘good’ and ‘cool’?  freaking five year thing.  hard to describe.  it’s not even fucking on time, fucking actual ‘b day’ is still far off, but not really, because time is relative, and i seem to enjoy experimenting in tricks that make time go by faster, or slower, or ‘not at all’?

sweet, pork shoulder roast bone in that i just made left overs from

sweet, pork shoulder roast bone in that i just made left overs from

all of the output, of the blog, in the past, might have been a way to create an entire alternative reality, and then, like some ‘god’, destroy it.  entirely.  anything looking back would become a pillar of salt like biblical stuff that i don’t want to research in this moment.  i may have created it, as i had pondered, just to destroy it.

ssbbw candy godiva cut into that pork roast!

ssbbw candy godiva cut into that pork roast!

before being all deep, it’s actually just a matter of domain renewal.  the second somebody doesn’t keep up with that shit it’s over with.  it’s not like i can’t pay the $12 a year, it’s like, do i ‘want’ to pay it and keep this name around?  this ‘name’… this ‘character’, that at times i think i would hate right now…  hmmm…  i’m laughing right now, but i stopped the music because Candy reminded me i should be doing something else.  🙂

ssbbw candy godiva thumbs up on pork roast

ssbbw candy godiva thumbs up on pork roast

it’s so funny, just to me, maybe… maybe… 😉   there is no fucking context!   i’m locked in here with the 2D thing or something.   omfg i’ll probably want to delete it.  maybe not, it might be funny.  🙂

ssbbw candy godiva, X2, with food

ssbbw candy godiva, X2, with food

man, inxs kick full album kicks ass…  the mood has passed, and i’m over 2000 words yet again… 🙂

 

 

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