Posts tagged ssbbw website

another wave

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Time is funny.  One can remember some events with such clarity, and yet, other events that might be more recent seem cloudy and distant.  One can remember something from childhood as they reach middle age, yet most people can’t remember the dream they had the night before.

For some reason, negative events seem to imprint themselves into memory so much deeper than the positive ones, with a few exceptions here and there.  I can remember the feeling of achievement when I passed the A+ computer tech certification test without having paid for any training or preparation classes.  That memory is not as strong as the one of me driving back to Louisiana while leaving Alexis in Florida, and leaving behind my first successful bbw porn website at the same time.

I can remember some of the songs that played on the radio, like Duran Duran “Girls On Film”.  I thought it was really ironic that I would catch that song from the very beginning as I flipped through an otherwise blank radio band in the middle of bum fuck nowhere Florida.  I can remember that the weather was nice, and while it wasn’t too hot, I had to restrict my speed to under 55 miles per hour because the radiator in my 1985 Toyota pick up truck was partially clogged, and I had to leave Florida too urgently to replace it first.

I can only partially remember driving to Florida in that same truck, pulling a U-Haul trailer nearly full of junk to a house that was owned by the woman who would later install the fear of death into me with her lies and schemes.  I can remember taking the plane to Orlando to meet her for the first time better than I remember driving myself there with all my stuff to “move in”.

I was such a fool to move in with that woman to begin with.  I laugh and laugh when I hear about people living across the country from each other, meeting up a few times, then moving in with each other.  I’m sure it might work occasionally, but I am now under the impression that you don’t really know someone until you have lived with them over a freaking year.

If you happened to move hundreds or even thousands of miles from your former home when you move in with someone, you are kind of trapped, unless you hold on to just enough cash to get your ass back home for the first whole year.  I was dumb enough to get talked into marrying that woman within the first fucking year.

There is no way that I should have gotten married to her, but when she suggested it, I thought it would give me more security in ownership of the company I created if I was married to my partner.  That was such a bad idea, because I was so fucking stupid I did not realize the company was really in her name, and so was the website that I poured so much of myself into.

When I got married to her I was entitled to “half”, but only if I was willing to stick around and fight her for it.  By the time I was ready to leave Florida, I had no fight left in me.  Alexis had me thrown in jail twice on made up bullshit.  I was never arrested in my life before going to Florida, and now, at age 46, I have never been arrested since either.  I’m lucky that I fought the charges instead of taking a plea deal, because I don’t have any record of any convictions, and I wasn’t forced to stay in Florida for months longer taking “court mandated anger management courses”.

I wasn’t going to fight her for that website or business, and I wasn’t going to stick around Florida one second longer than necessary once the charges were dropped against me.  The very day of my final court date, when I was told I was free and clear of all that bullshit, I stopped by and said goodbye to one female friend that was special to me, I stopped by the bank where my business account was to empty that out, and I got on Interstate headed for “home”.

I didn’t even have a U-Haul trailer just yet, I made my first visit back home with my cash and the clothes on my back, leaving an apartment with a third of my stuff in place.  Once I established residency back in Louisiana, I drove the 700 plus miles each way a second time to pick up the little bit of crap I could sneak out of her house without her knowing.

I was pretty bold back then, to even try to sneak my shit out of her house when I was waiting on a court date where she agreed to drop any charges that she had made up to begin with.  Alexis not only lied to get me arrested, but she also lured me back to her house, to call the cops again, to have them catch me there and lock me up for violating a restraining order.

The first arrest was traumatic enough, but when she tricked me into coming over there just to get me arrested again, she just helped me to make up my mind to leave her and that business far behind as quickly as possible.  The second arrest was so much worse, because I was already violating a ‘bond condition’, so I had to hire a second lawyer to get me out the second time, after having to stay in there for five days.  The first arrest, I was in lock up overnight.  The second arrest, I was in general population for almost a week.

The first lawyer was just for the divorce, and he tried to tell me that he could get me out of jail, but by the third day I was on the phone with another lawyer,  paying $3000 on a credit card that I would never pay back.  It’s wild, I never declared bankruptcy, but because I left the state of Florida and never allowed any credit agency to know where I was for seven years, nearly $20,000 was dropped right off the credit report.  No bankruptcy lawyer needed, or wanted.  I had enough with lawyers, and now I realize after all that stuff why people make such cruel jokes about them.

“What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea?  A good start.”

I know that I got away without having to pay that credit off, which is good for me, but at the same time, Alexis was able to continue to collect any profit from the business I created for years after I left.  It is a good thing she was so fucking ignorant and lazy about how to go about doing that, because her websites all started to go downhill once I left.  People actually noticed, I still get occasional notes to this day.

The websites are still there.  Someone purchased or was given the business “Bigger And Better Inc” and they continue to keep fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net going to this day.  I have lifted a few photos from there to show proof that it was me right there next to Alexis when that business was at it’s height.

I spent a whole year after I came back to Louisiana just getting my shit together.  I had to get a job, I eventually had to replace the truck, and I had to find a place to live that didn’t do a credit check so that they would not find me to try to get a judgement, and so the apartment considering me would not see that I had just broken a lease in Florida to get the fuck out of there.  I was only in that apartment for a few weeks, and left it cleaner than I found it, but they were entitled to make me buy myself out of the lease because I did sign one.

So, $20,000 in credit card debt, and a $4000 penalty for not finishing a lease.  I got off cheap.  A few years later, I would fuck up and skip filing income taxes for 2 years, so I did pay an extra $2000 for fucking up like that.  I was still lucky in that case, because after spending years paying that off, I made a call and requested “penalty abatement” and I actually got out of paying the last $1000.  Again, no scumbag fucking lawyer required for me to reduce my tax liability.

It would probably take them quite a while to get around to auditing me, because I was so fucking honest with them to take on that kind of penalty, pay it off, and keep taxes paid up every year since.  I even keep receipts that could be legit business expenses but I don’t claim them, so if I am ever audited, I may actually be found to be wrong *IN MY FAVOR*.  I’m sure they don’t get that too often!

It took me a whole year to run into a woman who happened to work with phone sex.  She also had a website going, but she was buying skinny content and creating a website to resell it.  She was probably doing ok back then with that, because there weren’t tens of thousands of porn sites in existence just yet.  This was 2001.

More importantly, there still weren’t very many BBW specific porn sites, and virtually no porn sites that specialized in SSBBW.  When I first met Dia, she had never modeled, even though she had an eloquent feminine figure that happened to include FF cup breasts.

Dia was already in the adult mindset, she just never realized how powerful her body type was, until she met me.  She hadn’t done much research on the BBW niche’, even though she had been working in phone sex for years already before I even met her.  While I was getting myself into all kinds of shit in Florida, she was sitting back making cash just talking dirty on the phone.

I would have thought right then and there that I had met my future forever partner.  There was an issue though.  Me.  The experience I had been put through with Alexis, at that age, with that much loss, created a PTSD like syndrome where I became obsessed with getting credit for my work in Florida, and better, creating something all new that was all mine.

With Dia’s help, I got some pointers on design, and I was able to create a much more attractive site than fatfantasy.net ever was.  I also pulled out 21 cd’s full of images from Florida and went to work using those to build my all new site, hotbbws.com.

Within just a few months, the checks started coming.  My work had only been seen on one site before, so it wasn’t long before my photos started to get attention and make money.  My site was prettier than her’s, even though looking at it now, it is not nearly as fancy as the current corporate assortment of bbw and ssbbw related porn sites.

I like to say that the prettier the site, the less content there probably is.  I think that is a really correct assumption when I see the high quality design capability of some webmasters combined with models that quit after a few months, or are way too lazy to create new content on a regular basis!

I was so driven, but it was by revenge.  I wanted revenge on Alexis, but not in the typical way that some people go crazy and destroy shit or hurt people.  I saw a slogan on a daytime talk show before I ever left Florida where someone said “The best revenge is doing better.”

I could have taken my own advice back when Candy left both times, because I acted a damn fool online, and seemed to get off on making hurtful comments just to disturb people.  It took me months after Candy left to attempt to get revenge by “doing better”, and by that time, I had already done too much damage to ever fully recover socially online.

I was crazy motivated to find new models in addition to using all this content I had.  I was lucky to have photographed releases, ID’s, as well as about 2 dozen plus different bbws and ssbbws.  I didn’t have any of the video, even though I was in almost all of them, and there were at least 2 dozen hardcore videos too.  That was back in the days of VHS, before the internet had a prayer of ‘streaming’ a whole porn, television show, or movie.

That was back in the days of DSL and T1 lines.  Alexis had invested in a T1, but once cable internet came out, that shit was totally obsolete.  I bet that fucking woman kept paying hundreds a month for years on that shit, because the websites were hosted in a fucking garage.

Once I moved back to Louisiana, cable internet was available, and pretty cheap, and I was able to take full advantage of it.  It was not long though, before Alexis saw what I was doing, got jealous, and went fucking crazy to knock my shit down.  She harassed my hosting company, my internet billing company, and got me shut down by just being fucking annoying.  These days I know it is not quite as easy to get someone closed down without a fight, because the companies that exist today are much more stable than the ones back then.

For example, my host was shitty, and over priced.  My billing company was fucking GLOBILL.  If you do any research on them, they fucking ripped off hundreds of people for thousands of dollars when the last fucking check they mailed out bounced, and people who had thousands of dollars coming in a month were FUCKED.  To my knowledge, Globill never fully paid back any of the poor fucks they stole that money from.  I hope those fuckers still have problems because of that shit.

It wasn’t long before IBILL went down next, and that was the company Alexis used.  I was lucky to have been so fucking pissed at Alexis I would choose CCBILL before ever going to IBILL, JUST BECAUSE ALEXIS FUCKING USED THEM.

All this time a lot of other shit went down though.  After Alexis got hotbbws.com version one shut the fuck down, I had to switch over to using all my own content, which luckily, I had been working on for a fucking year by then.  Unluckily for Dia and me, my obsession to get new content pissed her off.  She was too jealous at that time to understand my absolute need to find other models and pick up where I left off in Florida.

There was a point one day when I had made plans to photograph someone, and Dia was ok with it at first, but of course, we got into an argument right before I was supposed to leave.  I was still so fucked up from Florida.  I was doing all of this shit just to get back at Alexis, and prove that all that fucking work was mine.  I didn’t even care about the fucking money, I just wanted credit for all that fucking work!

Little did I know at the time, if I could have afforded a lawyer, I could have shown that because I was the photographer, I had rights to use that work, and I could have further sued her for damages in getting me shut down.  Either way, I fucking hated lawyers, and I didn’t want to fight her.  In fact, soon after I got to Louisiana, I cut off all contact with her so that I could not be accused of harassment back in the days before “stalking” existed.

The argument with Dia was heated, and she was so pissed at one point that she said something that I could never forget, and could not accept at the time after Florida.  She said “Do you know how easy it would be to kill you in your sleep?”

Now, if it was me in the present, I would give her suggestions on exactly how to go about doing that without it hurting me or fucking up and leaving me alive and fucked up.  I have that kind of sense of humor, and now I am old enough to welcome death as long as it’s not too painful and I don’t have too much time to suffer.

Back then, I was still traumatized from Alexis.  That bitch had me thinking at one point that people wanted to blow up her house, people were following me, she had mafia affiliations, people were being kidnapped and tortured for information, and we were in debt to an organization that was providing protection.

All that was such stupid bullshit, and I was such a fucking dumb fuck to believe it for a second.  I let that foolishness go on for about 3 weeks, and one night, I got fed up.  Alexis sent me to what was supposed to be a 24 hour post office, and she gave me fucked up directions, and I was in the middle of nowhere.  I hate wild fucking goose chases!  I pulled up to a payphone, and at the risk of being shot in the head right then and there, I made one phone call.  I called her bluff by risking my very life.

That’s what I mean when I say that Alexis put the fear of death in to me while there.  It was only 3 weeks, and I was the one to blame for believing such an outrageous set of lies.  I still have the micro cassettes that I used to bug her phone after she pulled that shit, just to see what other fucking shit she would come up with.

I let my mother listen to those tapes before she died, and she was on “team Thomas” after that.  She sat back and listened to Alexis talk to another woman about how she knew an ex cop and could have me “taken care of”.  That, and a few other statements, provided more than enough encouragement for me to get the fuck out of there.  When confronted, Alexis would claim that she knew I had the phone bugged and she said that shit to bait me.

She was a liar, but she was too fucking stupid to get over on me once I busted her compulsive, pathological liar ass.  I know that shit was for real, because there was another conversation with her son in law, who was a cop, about how a “pattern of arrest” could show a pattern of domestic abuse, and enable her to forcefully push me out of the home, the marriage, and the business.  She didn’t need to do all that shit.  All she had to do was ask me to fucking leave.

On another conversation, she talked to someone else about how she had everything “set up” to take over, but she needed my help, and she needed my work ability.  I once told Alexis when I knew shit was going downhill that when I finally had enough and left, it would take five different people to do “my job”.  To this day, I still believe that to be absolutely true, because i have listed off the many jobs I have to do in another post somewhere I don’t want to stop to dig up.

Before I finally left, before the last court date that would free me forever from her, I had a conversation with her about how I am “out of control” and maybe I should just go back home and leave everything to her.  She started crying, begging, pleading for me to stay because she “needed my help”.

I told her that I had a few conversations with her friends that revealed some wild shit.  That was the cover I used to avoid telling her that I was still bugging the fucking phone.  It was a lot easier to bug a land line phone than it would be to bug a cell, but I imagine even that is not impossible, or very difficult.  The fact that I was even compelled to go to a “spy store” in 2000 and buy a voice activated micro cassette recorder and a microphone cable that plugged into a phone jack with a double phone jack plug let me know that shit was out of control already and I had to get out.  I was just looking for a reason by the time I was waiting months for my second court date after spending five fucking days in jail and blowing $3000 to get my ass out.

I have to wonder how long it took for Debbie to call Alexis when I stopped by her work to tell her I was on my way “home”.  I was really telling both “Little Debbie” and “Big Debbie” at the same time because they worked together.  They had both modeled, and I had been filmed having sex with both of them.  Alexis would be the only one to see that money after I left, except for the $3000 that I pulled out of the business account and kept in my sock on the drive home.

Back to Dia though for a moment.  When Dia told me just how easy I could be murdered, potentially by her, while I was sleeping, it was too much at that time for me to accept.  I still regret bringing her to that state of anger myself.  The real irony is in the fact that the woman I went to see could not even take photos because her relatives here staying in a trailer near by, or some bullshit.  That fucking bitch made me drive nearly an hour each way to tell me that shit instead of letting me cancel online.  She caused me to literally kick Dia out of my apartment for saying what she said because she was rightfully angry and upset at me.

I didn’t just put Dia out on the street.  I was still friends with my second ex wife Stori at the time.  Stori appears on hotbbws.com too, but only in the member’s area, because she wanted to be “discreet”.  I was way too agreeable as a fucking pornographer back then!  I would tell Dia that I would stay with Stori, and she could take as long as she needed to get her shit together and get the fuck out.  I still can’t fucking believe I did that to her.

Because I was so driven at the time to replace my work lost in Florida, and then lost a second time at hotbbws.com, I had to do it.  I don’t think I could do that to her now if I was in that situation all over again.  I still feel badly about it, and I resent Alexis more because of how badly she fucked me up over there.  I really should have gotten counseling for that shit, and so much other shit to follow!

Dia took about a week to two weeks to prepare, and I took her to the bus station, and she went “somewhere”.  I don’t even remember now, because she is not where she went at this time.  I still talk to her online, and have talked to her by phone, and I have apologized profusely for doing that to her back then.  I just could not handle it.  I was so fucked up.  She had a quick temper, and odds are, I would have pulled some shit sooner or later that would have caused us to break up.  I still think she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the pleasure and privilege of photographing.

Dia at hotbbws.com

Dia at hotbbws.com

I am fortunate that she is so gracious and forgiving, so that I can still count her among my friends, even if she is so very far away like all of the closest ones, except for Candy.  I still maintain bbwdungeon.com as an ad for her phone sex, which she still freaking does.  Exoticbbw.com was originally her’s, and she gave it to me when she decided she wanted to stick with phone sex over websites.

Bbwdungeon.com was once a member site, but I could not sustain the costs of hosting it back when I had really shitty hosting.  Thankfully the hosting issue is resolved, so I can finally add shitloads of stuff to all the sites.  The problem with me lately is the block I have in working with hotbbws.com or lots2luv.com.  The reasons for that block are partially explained somewhere else I’m sure, and explaining it again here would drag me way off course, more than I already am.

I hit over 4k in words so far, and now I think I have gotten myself kind of lost.  I realize that I had to come back to Dia, after going way off course with Alexis, and then Stori, and of course Candy.  There is something I realize is vitally important to go with all of this, and I still haven’t figured out the title of this post just yet, but my stream of consciousness writing always seems to come full circle, eventually.

Because Dia was so fucking hot and my paranoid ass dropped her, I had to find more models.  I was working full time as a computer tech with the small shop I worked at before going to Florida, before upgrading from that job to a tech job in New Orleans that I hated having to drive to, park for, and hated them for giving me shit when I failed a drug test 3 months into working for them, as they casually said they “forgot” to do it pre-employment.

That is a whole other fucking story right there, because the fact that they pulled that shit encouraged me to move to Florida and start fatfantasy.net instead of having to suck a boss’s dick every day.  They couldn’t just fire me because they failed to give me the drug test before hiring me and paying me for 3 fucking months.  They just wanted to give me a shitty assignment in http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalmette,_Louisiana, which I wasn’t fucking having.

It’s bad enough that these assholes made me come to work the day that hurricane “George” hit in 1998, and left me stranded in a Bourbon Street bar watching television until the water went down so I could see if my fucking truck got flooded while parked under interstate.  Luckily, the truck was ok, the shoes weren’t.

Anyway, anybody who has heard about hurricane Katrina knows what happened to Chalmette.  If the drive to New Orleans every fucking day and evening wasn’t bad enough, they wanted me to go another half hour to fucking shitty Chalmette.  I would be a computer tech in an oil refinery having to wear a fucking biosuit.

That is an important fact to keep in mind, because that fucking computer company influenced me to move to Florida to begin with, and start my life of being a fat fetish ‘pornographer’ forever.

Also, on a side note, those alleged ‘flushes’ to help you pass a drug test DON’T FUCKING WORK.  DON’T FUCKING TRY IT.  USE SAFE PISS.  I was asked by a co-worker when word got around that I failed the drug test “Why didn’t you bring in someone else’s piss like everybody else does?”  Too honest for my own fucking good.

I didn’t fuck up like that when I got a job at CompUSA.  I was so lucky to have a friend that didn’t smoke weed!

Back to the point.  Because I had to dump Dia because I was a paranoid little bitch, I had to find other models.  I did just that.  Over the course of the next year I would end up luring at least a half dozen bbws and ssbbws to taking photos.  I had to weed through the ones who didn’t want to sign a release and just have sex.  I had to avoid the ones who just wanted “personal pics”.  I had to focus on finding the ones who would let me copy their ID, and sign a fucking model release, and not bitch months later for me to remove them because they are a dumb ass who told the wrong person and they told the really wrong person.

I stumbled upon Candy around that time.  Candy would be the death of me and my ambition to find as many models as I could, eventually.  We met in early 2002, we were living together by the end of 2002, and we stayed in an open relationship “with conditions” until feb of 2008.  I was able to “hook up” with a woman if she was willing to give up the ID and sign a release and be on my websites.  That was the only condition.

That meant certain types of women who would inevitably contact me were off limits.  A good example of that is “teachers”.  I can’t tell you how many times I got an email from a teacher who said “I used to model but I started teaching and…” and i quit fucking reading.   Sorry.  Not really.  Next.

Now, I sit back and watch wave after wave of new models coming into the picture, doing some work, quitting, then appearing in stolen images used to promote dating sites.  Every time I see a brand new bbw or ssbbw model doing this or that, I sit back and wait until she quits, or has weight loss surgery, or both.

No matter who just started, or who just quit, there is always another wave of new models coming in and going out.  Some of the ones going out like to stick around in the periphery of porn, by running group parties or annual conventions.  They are still relevant to the bbw scene, but they still quit.

It is so ironic, that I had to reject and dump so many women over the course of my life to find, lose, and recover Candy.  Once I met Candy, I was doomed.  I must have fallen in love with her instantly, because I tried to “return her” back to where I found her, but after a few months, she always re-appeared.

Even when she left for 4 months and then for 8 months, I remained obsessed, because there could never be another woman who had the effect on me she did instantly, and further, I had never met another woman who cared enough about my own agenda to let me have it without greedy or jealous emotional restraint.

Once I was ready to give up all other women, I realized internally that I was giving up my old technique in finding new models too.  In a way, I kind of “quit” myself, but I didn’t, because I still have her.  As many times as I have lost her, i knew, that even if I came across a woman who was similar, there was no way to build up that kind of history with someone else.  At 46 years old, I don’t think I have time to go through all of that over again and still be young enough to physically do the shit by the time I did.

I did meet one woman while Candy was gone, that I already went into great detail about.  She is the unnamed ssbbw that I showed in the last post.  I realized as I re-read the previous post that I said I never used a single photo of her in the 4 years that I had them.  By posting her here, I just did.

By bringing up hotbbws.com and lots2luv.com I am kicking myself for not working on them more already.  I don’t care about the money, I care about the unused content that sits on DV tapes in a back room closet.  I have a computer that I set up with a firewire card just because of that camera and those tapes.  I have hours of tapes of the unnamed ssbbw and I will be glad if 4 years in time travel didn’t fuck those tapes up.

Dia at hotbbws.com

Dia at hotbbws.com

I had to add another photo, the last one was after sex, so I’m sure it was not as flattering as this one.  This photo was shot in an apartment in Metairie, Louisiana.  If I had not moved to Las Vegas the last time when I did, I would have been holding Candy’s hand walking out of this apartment in 4 feet of water during hurricane Katrina.

Fate is a funny thing.  Showing Dia at that apartment reminds me that I lived in Vegas before, and I was fucking lucky to have packed everything in that shitty car and have the exhaust scrape the interstate on nearly every big bump because of how all that shit and Candy’s huge ass was weighing that crappy car down.  The transmission didn’t last too long after that 2 way trip 2000 miles each way.

The only woman I met when Candy was gone that impressed me nearly as much as her was married and living with her husband and kid.  I am still shocked  that she did the ID and release, and I really should have added her sooner.  Maybe I was worried that with her living situation she might come back on me to remove her.  Now 4 years has passed, maybe she forgot about it altogether. 🙂

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

Now I have used 2 images of this unnamed SSBBW.  There is hope I can overcome the block I mentioned before with the 2 inactive sites.  This woman is far too impressive to sit on my drive forever.

Just like I said before, no matter how many new models start, or older ones quit, there is always another wave, even if they took photos over 4 years ago! 🙂

 

 

 

big butts

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I caught this article about why men like big butts.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2979043/Why-Kim-Kardashian-s-booty-attractive-Men-prefer-women-curved-spines-suggests-better-FORAGING-food.html

What an oversimplification!  Although, I can imagine that if I was asked to point out my preference in the projection of the posterior, I would have answered 90 degrees instead of 45, but I am a super freak for big big butts.

In my case, big butts might happen to come with full, round, soft, sexy thighs.  I should just say “big thighs” but I know that is such a turn off to women that they pay big money to fix this “fault”.  I just love some big thighs.  Thighs that look too big for the rest of the body.  I don’t know how the curvature of the spine would come into play on that though.

I have always assumed that my preference for big thigh ssbbws was because of the enhanced appearance of femininity expressed by such a rounded and curvy silhouette.  I remember old television shows where a guy would create a violin shape with his hands to represent a woman who was “built like a brick shit house”.

I never thought of my preference as being all about “big butts”, but there seems to be a much greater likelihood of a woman having larger than average thighs if she also happens to possess a big round butt.  This is not always the case, I have seen my fair share of women who somehow have a large butt, and thighs smaller than mine.  I don’t want to offend women who happen to have skinny thighs, because I do not believe all men share my perception, but I somehow see skinny thighs and a small butt as masculine.

All of this is a matter of perception though, and just like the way some people saw a white and gold dress and some saw a black and blue one, I see masculinity and femininity expressed by shapes.  As long as I have researched why I might have been afflicted with such a sexual preference, I continue to be surprised at how most explanations go towards survival of the species and evolutionary preferences.

Ever since discovering the Venus of Willendorf statues, I have been enthralled with the possibility that my preference was born not just with me, but somewhere way back in the paleolithic era where those statues originated.  The earliest version of sculpture, and the first human representations are big fat women meant to be worn around the neck.

That is like the invention of art, sculpture, jewelry, and media preferred body types, and it took place over 10,000 years ago!  Long before the first television or magazine, there was something tangible that could be touched and worn that represented a preference for a big old fat woman!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_of_Willendorf

The existence of those statues seems to prove that somewhere throughout time in the paleolithic era, cavemen were carving these things out of stones as the very first sentiment of “I like big butts” was running through their heads.  I have to wonder if there is some kind of cellular memory in place within my very DNA that suggests I may have been related to one of those guys who carved these things.  I have let my hair grow to a point where I actually resemble a caveman now!

caveman obesiverse

caveman obesiverse

Those little statues seemed to have huge breasts, tiny forearms, but a big belly, big round butt, and some substantial thighs.  If you look around at a Wal Mart, you might notice that all big women are not built this way, and while I read somewhere that more women carry weight in the lower half, there are still a lot of top heavy women out there with huge breasts, big belly, tiny butt, narrow hips, and small thighs.

venus of willendorf

venus of willendorf

It seems like a lot is changing in the world of media right now, but as stories come out about the first plus sized woman to appear in a Sports Illustrated ad, or the first “super morbidly obese” woman to sign a major American modeling contract, I am reminded that the first super sized woman in media was created over 10,000 years ago.

These recent achievements are impressive, since for so many years, the media has been focused on a “thin is in” mentality.  In my humble opinion, all of that was done in order to create the billion dollar surgical, diet, and medical device industry.  It seems that the pendulum of time always swings back and forth, and I always thought in the back of my mind that one day, all this obsession with being thin and not being fat was going to eventually cause an equal and opposite effect.

The explosion of bbw content and ssbbw content in the adult areas of the internet is really fascinating to me, because my very first plus sized website specialized in ssbbw, before the bbw niche even existed itself.  Back in 1998 when I started fatfantasy.net with big big big alexis, I didn’t care that the only few other bbw sites out there showed much smaller women.  I never really thought about the possibility that my site could fail, because as much as I was into ssbbw, I knew I could not be the only one.  I wasn’t.

I was inspired by the appearance of a woman who acted under the name Teighlor.  I can’t say how much she weighed exactly, because as much as I am interested in numerology, the numbers side of the fat fetish don’t hold any interest to me at all.  I am more interested in what I can see and perceive, and Teighlor was an ultimate example of the “pear shape” or bottom heavy figure.

She had huge thighs that rolled up on themselves, and hips that extended way outside of her relatively small waist.  She had breasts that were probably large as DDD, but they were dwarfed by her massive arms and hips.  Even with that build, she had a really small belly for her size, although it would still appear huge on a woman under 200lbs.

ssbbw teighlor

ssbbw teighlor

Teighlor was a major influence to me, because way back when I was around 17 or so, I started shopping at adult book stores even though I wasn’t supposed to.  I was able to buy beer so easily that I never hesitated to go to those places before I was 18.  When i saw her, she was the largest woman I had ever seen in adult content.  She didn’t simply prance around showing off clothing like today’s typical ssbbw model, she actually did hardcore porn in several videos.  She appeared in one hardcore sex video with the Ron Jeremy too.

When I saw her in that content, I realize that there was a possibility that I could find another Teighlor.  Of course she would not be exactly like the one and only Teighlor, but there were similar representations out there.  Teighlor made me realize that I might actually find a woman to create exactly the kind of content that I wanted to see more of out there.  At the time, Teighlor really was the only woman that size who was doing the hardcore thing.

If you peek around at corporate porn sites, you still won’t see any women this big doing hardcore porn that is distributed in that way.  I use the word “corporate” because they are the “big sites” that built up with big investors who could advertise for models, and hire specialists to do each and every job.  I am only stuck in the amateur category because I do all the jobs myself and I refuse to invest much of anything into a business that I am amazed is successful at all.

There are plenty of ssbbws coming close to her size modeling now, but again, very few of them will go as far as she did.  I believe that influence, at that early age, contributed to the reason why I am compelled to go further than doing just eating videos or videos of ssbbw walking around in different outfits.  I was not aroused by that type of material myself, so it never occurred to me to limit my content to those boundaries.

Teighlor and Layla Lashell actually appeared in a movie called “The Dark Backward”, so they have a genuine movie credit to their names.  I believe that Teighlor was in a few, but I am getting to that, or not.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101660/

still from The Dark Backward

still from The Dark Backward

Teighlor’s credit in that movie is “Debra Perkins”, and I can’t find Layla Lashell in the credits, but I remember a reference to Layla Anthony in the past, and that doesn’t show either.  Layla does have her own IMDB actress page though, and it’s quite extensive.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0489538/

So, I am excited about Kelly Shibiri appearing on the cover of Penthouse, and the woman in that bikini ad in Sports Illustrated, and the big sexy woman with tattoos who actually got the big modeling firm to notice her as a serious fashion model for people who aren’t perfect, but still incredibly beautiful.

There is so much more media out there, but it looks like I really got off the subject there.  I started out talking about “big butts” and went into so many different areas.  I could have focused on that one aspect, and pointed out how the butt was relevant in every situation, but it’s probably obvious how a big butt is something all these things have in common.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/30/penthouse-forum-plus-size-model_n_5240266.html

Oh, since I brought up the penthouse thing, here is a link for you.  I was buzzed one night and started to email back and forth with Shibiri on Facebook to let her know how important I thought this accomplishment was.  I was too loaded, talked too much, and probably freaked her out. 🙂

All this is relevant because there is an obvious way in which society has been rejecting this inner impulse to visually appreciate the appearance of fat.  It seems like some kind of guilty pleasure, and a friend from a long time ago put it really good with this expression.  “Fat chicks are like mopeds.  Everybody wants to ride one, but nobody wants to be seen on one.”  A fat chick told me that!  I thought I had heard it all, but this was before the internet, and before I had an opportunity to do much more research about fat chicks than hang out in malls and supermarkets.

Back before the internet, it was quite a task to find a plus sized woman “out there”, much less a super sized one.  The super sized women must have existed, as they always have, since 10,000 years ago, but they were usually shuttered away somewhere, in a back room of a house where some family member is taking care of them.  They were “protected” and “isolated”.  There was no way for someone like me to find them, which is why I actually got certified as a nursing assistant, to work in nursing homes, where one might happen to reside.

I know, that is fucking diabolical.  i can’t believe I did that myself, but I still have the certification, it’s from 1996, before there was such a thing as a bbw dating site.  By the way, never use niche dating sites.  It is tempting to believe you could find a local fatty on one of those, but there is just no way.  There are way more than enough bbws out there to populate the nationally popular dating sites, so using those will give you the greatest odds of finding a real life local bbw, not some fake profile that was put there to make it look like there is even one freaking local WHERE YOU LIVE.

Anyway, fuck bbw dating sites, that’s out of the way.  I did go so far as getting a freaking nursing assistant certification, and spent nearly a whole tax return on that freaking course.  I also worked for free for 40 hours of “clinical” in a real “long term facility”.  That shit was some of the most traumatic, fucked up experience of my entire life.  It was a depression that I could feel, weighing me down, making it hard to breathe and even walk.

When I walked into the first patient’s room and got his back story, the instructor looked at me and asked me if I was ok, because I had turned more white than I already am, and was obviously in some kind of total daze.

The guy was a professor of something at a local college, and he had a heart attack and died, but was revived too late.  He just sat there looking like someone who had been lobotomized, holding on to this little teddy bear.  I almost lost my shit.  I did not understand what the meaning of the word “empath” was at that time, but I do now, and I can still almost feel what I felt while I was standing in that room 19 years ago.

I knew that I could stick out the 40 hours, even after that experience, but I also knew I never wanted to work in that kind of environment.  I did get to bathe a 70 something year old plumper with a nice set of breasts on her, but it was uncomfortable for me because I wasn’t old enough to develop the more deviant part of my sexuality just yet.

From that experience, I now understand why I have this fascination with older women’s breasts.  It seems like with some women, the breasts just stop aging somewhere around 40, so somehow, there are 40 year old breasts on a 70 year old woman.  I know, that is so freaking horrible, this is why I never allowed myself to work in a real nursing home after getting the certification.  I knew that I was not aroused the first time I washed an old lady’s breasts, but I shudder to think what could have happened if I had developed that little kink.  I know about “abuse of the infirm”, and how serious that shit is.

I would never push anyone to do anything against their will, but a part of me has thought deeply enough about what “could have happened” to imagine that even if an older lady was seriously enjoying anything I wanted to do with her, there are people who would assume that she was not in total control of what she was doing, and I was taking advantage of her.  Maybe that would not be the case nowadays, but back in the 90’s, you didn’t have all this “cougar” propaganda in the media.  A young guy doing much of anything with a 60 or 70 year old would just be looked upon in one way and one way only.

Wow, I went on quite a trip there!  It’s ironic that because i was certified as a nursing assistant, one of the cons that Alexis in Florida ran on me was that she knew a woman who might be institutionalized because she was super sized but had nobody to take care of her.  Alexis was such a total liar, and back in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I was incredibly fucking naive.

Alexis is the woman I started fatfantasy.net with.  When the internet finally did happen, and I was meeting my share of plus and super sized women in my late 20’s, I came across this woman who was the largest woman i had ever seen besides Teighlor.  She was no where nearly as facially charismatic as Teighlor was, but I was amazed and impressed with her huge body.

Now I understand why women say “I am not a fetish”.  I also got a very good lesson in the term “bagger”.  I was literally seeing Alexis as a fetish.  All I saw was her short stature, and her amazing neck down resemblance to Teighlor.  I made promises I could not keep with her, because as young and foolish as I was, I thought I could resist the temptation of going off on my own with any one of the more charismatic bbws that I was working with at the time.

alexis of fatfantasy.net

alexis of fatfantasy.net

When I think back to how all that went down, I can actually feel somewhat guilty now.  I was not prepared for the responsibility of taking care of Alexis and maintaining my younger desire to experience being with as many ssbbws out there who would let me, until someone would cast some kind of spell on me to stop it.  I think that is what Alexis thought when she encouraged me to marry her, which was not a very good decision on my part when I think back.

I was encouraging a delusion she had that I was the perfect devoted husband.  I really did not deserve to be in the position I was in at that time, because now that I am older, I take responsibility for conning her in the same way she constantly lied to me.

I had a vision of what could happen if me and her partnered up for this ssbbw project.  When I look back, I did a lot of stuff wrong in the technical department just like I did in the relationship department.  Alexis was a supreme pathological liar, but now that I am more mature, I can think back to the ways I pushed her to lie so hard to me.

I started out making big promises that I should have known better than to ever make.  I knew that I was not totally attracted to her, but more amazed with her substantially huge body.  Looking at her in some of the old photos, I think that I was really harsh on her at the time.  I was just so young and dumb though.  How could she have ever thought I was able to be totally sincere as I watched all these bbws and ssbbws walk around wearing next to nothing, or sometimes just nothing?

I was lucky to get to photograph everyone that I photographed.  I think back to some of the photos that I created, and how I will still occasionally see one of my own photos grouped together with the oldest examples of super massive models out there.  I knew I was on to something with Alexis, but now I realize that I should have kept it strictly business, and not tried to incorporate a relationship into our partnership.

With Candy, it’s different.  I am attracted to her in a way that I am attracted to nobody else.  From the very first time I saw her, I felt something within me change ever so slightly.  It did not cause any kind of instant maturity or reaction, but after meeting her, I could not let her go.  If there was a possibility that I could have her, I had to have her, and that’s the kind of attraction I never had for Alexis.

Back in February of 2008, I told Candy that I was tired of working with other people, and I was ready to go monogamous.  It was less than a year later she would leave for the first time.  I have repeated that over and over in the course of this blog, but it is relevant, because in the end, I was the one who left Alexis and fatfantasy.net behind forever.

When Candy left me both times, I was left on my own for 4 months and then another 8 months to consider everything that was wrong with me, and how wrong I was to so many people in my past who would have stuck by me no matter what a dick or alcoholic or whatever I was.  The minute I find someone that I want to give my heart to exclusively, I lose her, and a part of me felt like I deserved it.

me and alexis so long ago

me and alexis so long ago

When I look at this photo of me with her, I realize that she wasn’t that bad.  The last time Candy was gone I would have felt fortunate to meet a woman with even less charisma.  Actually, when Candy was gone last time, I did get with at least one woman who was not as impressive as Alexis was at her worst. I was depressed, drunk, and missing Candy though, so I felt lucky to get that at the time.

I’m really glad that I set out to write this.  I know that I ended up going way out into left field by talking about Alexis and fatfantasy.net, but honestly, Alexis was the very first example of a really ginormous butt on the level of Teighlor that I ever experienced being with.  Years later, i would meet just a few more women who came close to the size and shape that Teighlor had, but after my experience with Alexis, I knew that it would take more than a “big butt” to make me fall in love.

When I left Florida, I left fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net after experiencing “online success” for the very first time.  I think it made quite an impression, because I would go on to create 3 more member websites, all related to bbw, and all created with some kind of need to avenge myself in the loss of all the content I created years ago.

I had a set of 21 cd’s with all the photos that I took with the digital camera while in Florida.  I kept those things for years, until one year, I got this weird depression and decided to cut them all up.  Before doing it, I saved one cd worth of images that I carefully selected from all the cd’s, and then I destroyed everything else.  I had been tortured by the fact that I had all this content that I created and could not use it for so many years.  I will always feel kind of weird about it, and a sense of loss after doing it, but within a month of destroying all those cd’s, I heard that Alexis had passed away.

I went looking around for the folder that contains those images, because I happened to save all the images that I took of Alexis.  I didn’t find them just yet, but they are backed up somewhere, likely on multiple dvd’s and also on a hard drive that is not in use right now.  If I were able to choose the right photo of Alexis, and locate the right photo of Teighlor, and put them one after another, it would be easy to see why I got so freaked out that I let myself freaking get married to this woman after knowing her less than a year.

The vision I had in my head of the potential for the success I could create clouded my judgement about how to actually exist in that situation in harmony with Alexis and with myself.  I was just way too immature at that time, and I never imagined that I could ever create something that would start churning out as much as a thousand a month just by photographing someone and posting the photos on a website.

I’m sure that at the time, the smaller bbws who were getting into this would look at us like we were some kind of circus freaks, because even now, Candy is hesitant to go to anything “bbw related” because she knows how she will be perceived by some of the smaller bbws.  She herself used to perceive someone who is her size now as being weak and unhealthy.  Now she can’t help but project that assumption on to others, and it doesn’t help when many of them are not very social to her.  That might have more to do with me and my bad behavior in the past, or the fact that Candy will admit to me sometimes that she “really doesn’t like people very much”.

Ok, this was about big butts, not the prejudice that bbws seem to have for ssbbws.  That is a real thing though, I am not making it up.  That’s probably why I used to get so pissed when bbw bashes would advertising while using the words “size acceptance”, because I know deep down that it’s bullshit.

SSBBW Candy Godiva has a big butt

SSBBW Candy Godiva has a big butt

Now THAT is a BIG BUTT!  Candy’s got one.  She was also blessed with those big thighs I am so attracted to, or I see as being “ultra feminine” in appearance.  I can’t help it if skinny thighs look masculine to me.  At this point, I see a woman as more than just body parts, but in order for my penis to operate at full effectiveness, I also tend to prefer certain things over others.

So, I am not with Candy because she has big thighs, and I push all kinds of negative shit about her out of my mind.  Candy just happens to have this wonderfully compatible, sexy personality with mine, and she “just happens” to have big thighs too.  It is actually possible to “have it all”.

Ok, Candy woke up from a nap, and I’m over 4000 words, so I should pick some tags and get the hell out of here!  I hope this is helping my writing get better, even if I do tend to skip from subject to subject with the tiniest hair of a connection between them! 🙂

I almost forgot, while talking about Layla Lashell, that she appeared in “album art” way back before a newer younger ssbbw started appearing in music videos.

layla lashell in album art for tool undertow

layla lashell in album art for tool undertow

To quote the wiki page for the Tool Undertow album, “The album art was designed by Adam Jones.[6] Photos in the liner notes of a nude obese woman, a nude man of normal weight, and the band members with pins in the sides of their heads generated controversy, resulting in the album being removed from stores such as Kmart and Wal-Mart.”

Great job Layla, you got Tool kicked out of Wal-Mart!!! 🙂  SSBBWs, always causing trouble! 🙂 I’ve had 8 different youtube channels deleted because they say Candy’s belly is “obscene” even when there is NO NUDITY.

I just came back to add something that may actually be relevant to the preference for big butt ssbbws.  I am near sighted.  That means that my vision can get a little blurry past a few feet in front of me.  I was not diagnosed as a child up until I was nearly 12 or so.  It is hard for me to pick the exact age, because I don’t seem to have the ability to remember exact years.

In either case, I have a theory that at that early age, while my sexuality was first forming, there was some need to have additional cues to insure that I was looking at a woman versus a male.  If things got fuzzy past a certain point, it stands to reason that maybe, I needed the visual cues of femininity to be spectacular and unmistakable.

In this age of transgender acceptance, I realize why I may have had some objection to being totally accepting of people who switch gender.  There is a possibility that my entire preference was born at an age where my vision encouraged me to pursue women based on factors of unmistakable femininity.

I had my first revelation of being attracted to ssbbws at the age of 16, when a guy on the school bus mentioned seeing the biggest girl in my school getting dressed through her window.  He was being offensive and insulting about it, but as I pictured it in my mind, I started to get a massive erection.

Of course, she had the wide hips, big, big butt, and sexy big thighs that I am still obsessed with to this day.  I attempted to go out with her, and I was not secretive about it in the least.  She was kind of freaked out by my attention and she stopped seeing me.

The rejection wasn’t such a big deal, but I realized that there was basically “nobody left” in my entire high school that I would be really attracted to once I realized I was attracted to her and she dumped me.  She was the biggest one, where would I go from there?

When I was 17 I looked old enough to buy beer, and the drinking age had not been jacked up to 21.  I started hanging out at bars, and eventually, I came across another woman with a similar shape, who was quite a bit smaller.  She was in her early 20’s, so she was an “older woman” in addition to being just “big enough” to capture my attention in a bar that may have held about 40 to 50 people at the time.

That woman would end up being my first ex wife.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but there was “something missing”.  I thought I was totally content with a bbw just under 300lbs who had the shape I am so attracted to.  It turned out, my lack of sexual experience would catch up with me, and not long after getting married, I had a little bit of an experimental fling with a top heavy woman.

I had to get out of that first marriage because I knew that there was something out there that I was meant to discover, to do, or to create.  I probably could have created content with my first ex wife if the internet existed at that time, but the problem is in the way I don’t think I would have become a computer tech if I had stayed married to her.  If I hadn’t become a computer tech, I probably would not have had the confidence to become a webmaster later.

Now I have told a story within a story, long after I was going to stop this post!  I wanted to express the possibility that my vision issue at an early age caused me to distinguish males from females by examining the whole body from head to toe, instead of relying on typical cues of femininity.

Even years after vision was corrected, there must have still been some lingering need to distinguish male from female by body type, because the instant I pictured that girl’s huge butt swinging back and forth nude as she walked, I would forever be afflicted with a serious attraction to a really large butt.

I have said it over and over, that smaller thighs appear masculine in my perception, but for some reason, it never hit me until now that being near sighted at an early age and not having it corrected until later might have had a not so subtle effect on my sexual preference for a super size bbw.

 

 

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