Posts tagged ssbbw porn

SSBBW Market Saturation

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Well it had to happen sooner or later!  All that time with a regular pattern of updating a clips4sale store with a new clip in expectation of being able to pay certain bills with that money is now over.

clips4sale is sucking

Clips4sale revenue is officially in the TOILET

 

It’s a good thing that the website (exoticbbw.com) actually made MORE money than the clip store this month, because if it hadn’t, I would be in some deep shit financially.  As it stands, I have given in to the temptation to donate freaking plasma in order to be able to make up for the LOSS that clips4sale has generated at this point.

plasma donation scar

Plasmapheresis uses a BIG needle!

 

Regularly, there would be an attempt to upload at least one new feeder clip per week, and there were times when Candy might skip a week because she just wasn’t up to getting made up and filmed doing something that she loves doing so much.  Even if Candy really enjoys binging, being filmed while she does it seems to take away some degree of enjoyment for her.

Candy is over it

Sometimes Candy doesn’t want to be filmed eating. SHOCK!

 

This is ironic, because over the past couple of years, Candy would make the sacrifice in binging in front of a camera knowing that she would not enjoy it quite as much, for the sake of being able to financially support the types and amounts of food she wanted to enjoy.

so long sushi

Sushi is NOT CHEAP FREELOADERS!

 

Now, with clips4sale generating a revenue of about $50 per clip (6 clips this month), it is obvious that Candy will have to go CHEAP on the food, which means no more big feasts, at least until something changes with this crappy revenue from each clip.

cheap food

Hello CHEAP FOOD

 

Something has changed over there at clips4sale, and I am not quite sure what it is, but something has seriously been altered, shifted, edited, cancelled, or something.  Some form of advertising or promotion that they used to employ must have completely collapsed, because over the past few months, income dropped dramatically, and it has stayed at the same low level even though there was an attempt at adding 6 clips in one month instead of just 4.

Great for 2 or 3 stores, FUCKED for us...

Great for 2 or 3 stores, FUCKED for us…

 

I have come to the realization that sites like facebook and twitter are pretty much useless to promote anything now.  Candy and I used to have a term “ya-losers” which represented the losers on yahoo who would compliment and beg for free stuff YEARS AGO.  They thought that a little flattery could get them some free content, because for whatever reason, they decided that since yahoo was free, everything that is promoted on yahoo should be free too.  That graphic above shows how there are winners and losers in this business, and if you aren’t “sinfully divine” you are basically FUCKED right now on clips4sale as a SSBBW, or “super fatty” or as Candy calls them “blob chicks”.

I love to give away OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT!

I love to give away OTHER PEOPLE’S SHIT!

 

Now, that has moved over to twitter losers and facebook losers, asking for “chat” and wanting to have their email read to Candy, in the hopes that being told for the thousandth time she is “so sexy” will have her offering to sit for hours in chat with some loser who isn’t spending one penny for her time.

In twitter, there is a monster machine of compliment and flattery, which would be awesome if that kind of thing paid one cent towards any bills that were covered by the clips4sale income.  At this point, all the compliments are more annoying than flattering, because as we watch revenue go down, we realize that a majority of people who try to contact Candy at all are usually the wankers that want free shit, not the people who paid for a clip, got off to it, and went on with their fucking life.

Porn used to be something that was sold in a seedy type of bookstore downtown, and the customers did not interrogate the store clerk about “When was this made?” and “How much does she weigh right now?”  These new questions and concerns came from some assumption that porn will be “interactive” and every time some jerk off pays $15 for a clip, they should get a half hour or more of free chat in the process.  Some want to play “20 dumb ass questions”, and some even ask about free “video chat”!  What a bunch of losers.

Are you buying ANYTHING?

Are you buying ANYTHING?

Now, I have started using the hashtag #freeloadingfeeders because as much as they seem to compliment Candy’s work, even calling her “legendary”, they are doing it in forums where more than a dozen clips are shared freely at a time.  I just had to get a bunch of shit removed from a file sharing service that is in Taiwan, and fortunately they actually took the shit down when I filled out a DMCA complaint form.  It took a few days, but that shit is gone now, and I will be keeping an eye on the fucking blog that keeps posting this free shit.

I WILL get my shit DELETED!

I WILL get my shit DELETED!

 

I’m sure that many other blogs post the same links, so the actual blog is not important, what’s important is that I am WATCHING now, and I will keep filling out that DMCA form anywhere and everywhere I see my shit distributed for free.

They make it EASY for me to get my shit DELETED

They make it EASY for me to get my shit DELETED

 

It figures that I was ok with a “little piracy” when it was promotional and it helped me make more money with my work.  Now, I realize that all the free shit out there is basically over-riding the need to pay for anything, because there are at least 3 to 5 “Candy replacements” out there now, doing all the same shit over and over.   Some have whole groups of fatties who get together and work out some kind of deal to split up all that “money” they WON’T BE MAKING.

Maybe they just do it for fun now, or just for the food.  Candy has located at least one SSBBW out there who loves to binge on cam so much she does it right on youtube absolutely free.  This is exactly what we needed to help boost our sales!

Maybe someone's channel needs to have an ACCIDENT

Maybe someone’s channel needs to have an ACCIDENT

 

People seem to believe that porn will just keep rolling out no matter how much money it generates, but that is simply not the case.  I understand totally now why so many models QUIT EVENTUALLY as I talked about in another blog post in the past.  Sure, there will always be free shit, but YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR and that shit is pathetic, but hey, whatever.

There is no more incentive to keep creating this stuff if there is no money being made from it, period.  Watch as this economy keeps dropping into the shitter, and see how many of these lovely fat women quit doing this shit because it is NOT WORTH THEIR TIME FOR FREE.

Time to pull out the PANHANDLING UNIFORM

Time to pull out the PANHANDLING UNIFORM

 

People will keep producing stuff, and I guess eventually, there will just be a few conglomerates or REALLY POPULAR FATTIES that keep going because they are the ones who are still making some money.  In the meantime, I get hit with alleged compliments that are REALLY INSULTS because people are TOO FUCKING DUMB TO REALIZE THAT WE DON’T APPRECIATE PEOPLE STEALING OUR SHIT OR WATCHING IT FOR FREE.

Some people are TOO DUMB NOT TO ADMIT STEALING FROM YOU...

Some people are TOO DUMB NOT TO ADMIT STEALING FROM YOU…

 

Either way, there is a quit date on the horizon at this point.  I appreciate the money that was made in the time that it was made, but I don’t fucking work for free.  Candy doesn’t either.  Now that she sees the money going down, she feels somewhat insulted and it is doubly difficult for her to stomach making any kind of sacrifice in vein.  She would rather binge off cam because “Fuck that shit it’s not going to make money anyway.”

They build you up to KNOCK YOU DOWN

They build you up to KNOCK YOU DOWN

 

So, the freeloading feeders can keep asking “How big is Candy?” and shit like that, and they will keep getting either ignored, or told to shut the fuck up and buy a fucking clip to find out.  Odds are, if they are asking, it’s because they DON’T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING anyway.  That is leading me to assume that the d-bags that ask me shit are the least likely to spend cash, so they should fucking be ignored.  The ones buying the shit are wanking to it and going on with their life, because they actually have one.  The ones chatting me or Candy up are the losers that are “too good to pay for porn” or something.

Hey Candy, a BIG FAN wants to chat!

Hey Candy, a BIG FAN wants to chat!

 

I think I’ve gotten most of my irritation with all this out of my system now, but it should be noted in a very public way that I am working on something really cool to do that makes me money in the future, and I’ll be very happy not to depend on the fickle nature of porn and it’s “fans”.  I can see why some people who have quit porn are so irritated by it, and by the shadow of former fame that continues to follow them even though the MONEY DOESN’T.

All that money! NOT!!!

All that money! NOT!!!

 

I used to walk around looking at women, thinking to myself “Wow, that one would get a great reaction online!” and now I realize that I would never want to condemn someone else to the pitiful fate of being led on with some regular cash at first, then the disappointment and let down of making less and less because of so many women and their grandmothers, literally, jumping into the porn and/or tease game.  I even got to meet one woman who has an impressive body that I KNOW people would love to see at all angles doing all kinds of “adult” things… Well, that SHIT ISN’T HAPPENING so this body is ALL TO MYSELF, FREELOADING FUCKS!

So awesome you won't see her FOR ANY AMOUNT OF CASH

So awesome and you won’t see her FOR ANY AMOUNT OF CASH

 

I even had this woman ask me flat out if there was any way I could sneak her into my work without giving up her identity, and I was like “Fuck that shit, these d-bags will have your shit all over the place trying to figure out who you are, so fuck them, it’s not worth the whole $10,000 you MIGHT make per year showing off, then watching that dwindle down to EVEN LESS OVER TIME.  This shit has me wishing that I had used all the free time I had to figure out another way to make better money doing something that didn’t cater to such a group of low life freeloaders like porn surfers.

Maybe I'll learn to grow WEED

Maybe I’ll learn to grow WEED

 

Yeah, I said it, and believe me, the most popular SSBBW making the most money is THINKING THE SAME THING.  They are just smart enough not to say anything online (or maybe not when it comes to the freeloaders).  Either way, I don’t go to strip clubs, even if there are fat women, because it’s depressing and horrible to watch women beg these cheap mouth breathing freaks for cash (me included, I’m a cheap bastard too).

I know, “Tell us what you really think” right?  Well, that’s what I really think.  The people who have written to me asking this or that, pestering me for details that they could easily pay to see, are even more extremely irritating to me now that there is literally NO MONEY IN THIS SHIT ANYMORE.  All these new BBWs and SSBBWs want to jump into this shit because now it’s “ok to be a fat model”.

Yeah, I never thought I would wish for the days when more fat women hid themselves!  There was a GOOD REASON fat women were so HARD TO TALK INTO MODELING back in 1998 when I did my first fat porn website…  Now that there are just a dozen more than “internet capacity” the money has run out like a SSBBW PORN BUBBLE BURST.

Thanks a lot Tess, now EVERYFUCKINGBODY WANTS TO DO THIS SHIT

Thanks a lot Tess Holiday, now EVERYFUCKINGBODY WANTS TO DO THIS SHIT

 

Take it from me, when I see “she’s legendary” in the comments on a forum where my shit is being FLAT OUT STOLEN AND SHARED I get pretty offended, and Candy does too.  That’s why it is only a matter of time before this shit is not going to be produced anymore.  Fortunately though, I will STILL HAVE MY SHIT DELETED AS A FUCKING HOBBY just to irritate the fucking freeloaders.  I’m going to make my shit as rare as a Prince music video on fucking youtube, just for fun, out of spite to these freeloading fuckers.

FREELOADING BITCHES!!!!!!!

FREELOADING BITCHES!!!!!!!

 

I may seem kind of angry, but I’m watching a business I built back in 2003 go down the toilet.  Even worse, it was my SECOND ATTEMPT because that big bitch Alexis from fatfantasy.net basically stole my first SSBBW project away from my young dumb ass in 1998.  That makes it even worse, because had I been given the advantage of never having to FUCKING START OVER I may have been able to milk this shit for even more before EVERY FAT WOMAN AND THEIR GRANDMOTHER STARTED FUCKING MODELING.  Even worse, they can “barely model” at all and still suck out of that limited pool of fat jerk off money on the internet.

I should have TAKEN PHOTOS AND RAN FAR, FAR AWAY.

I should have TAKEN PHOTOS AND RAN FAR, FAR AWAY.

 

Now there are so many bbws that appear somewhere on the internet,  some bbws call themselves models when they have no website, and they have not formally appeared in any capacity.  Those are really “escorts” though, and that’s a whole other story because I am in Las Vegas, where you literally CAN’T THROW A STICK WITHOUT HITTING AN ESCORT.  So, the escorts call themselves “models” now trying to get around laws against prostitution.  Yeah, they AREN’T MODELS.  They will say they can “model for $300” but don’t be fooled, the cops will get them eventually.  It looks like the show “Cops” on television makes busting prostitutes seem more like a hobby than a “job”.

More SSBBW flesh than some "models" will EVER SHOW

More SSBBW flesh than some “models” will EVER SHOW

 

I’ve probably gotten all of this angst out of my system by now.  I’ll be having an interesting new year’s eve, and not quite what I would have imagined just 2 years ago.  So much has changed, and I have done a terrible job of documenting it better here.  I’ve had such an interest in writing, but I never really went anywhere with it.  Even this post is more like a bitch out session to the entire internet than a “regular blog post”, but that seems to be my “style” when I get busy typing.  It’s like therapy for me to get all this out, and while some people would not consider me very “professional” for doing it this way, I have never done anything business related exactly how other people would do things.  I do things MY WAY and I did not fail to make money for over a decade with that philosophy.

maybe a month in a mental ward would not be such a bad thing!

maybe a month in a mental ward would not be such a bad thing!

 

Now I am just a dinosaur in this realm though.  I don’t pull out a funnel to force feed, I don’t even get squashed regularly, and Candy doesn’t want to squash me because she doesn’t want to fuck me up for a clip that won’t make money anyway.

good thing either one of us did not know about "squashing" back then!

good thing either one of us did not know about “squashing” back then!

 

Candy was never one to do “whatever I told her”, she is independant, and she can be hard to work with as well.  It is no surprise that very few efforts to have her model with other people have been followed through on.  Candy has her own anxieties and her own hesitation when it comes to doing certain things and trying to model with other people.  Even if there were a line of people wanting to model with Candy, it would be difficult for her to make it happen unless the person was very likable AND persistent.  It would help if they didn’t have “some dude” start talking to Candy about modeling rather than the model herself, and it really isn’t going to happen if someone comes across as wanting or NEEDING shit.  A friend in need is a friend indeed… There is a good fucking reason for that saying, and I’ve had to learn it the hard way, thanks again Goddamn Patty…

Last never used SSBBW model, I'M STILL HOLDING OUT

Last never used SSBBW model, I’M STILL HOLDING OUT

 

Unfortunately, people with both of those qualities very rarely exist, it’s usually one or the other, and there is usually a giant AGENDA that rules over it all.  You just have to hope that the agenda they say they have matches the one they REALLY HAVE.  I won’t even get into the bullshit with “Goddess Patty” that never should have happened… Fucking con artist…  I’ve been told that the well known plus sized (some say SSBBW but she won’t) model Tess Holiday has ripped some people off before too, but it’s all forgiven, because she’s so popular and “likable” now.  Yeah, don’t believe everything you see on television, or movies, because those people can be con artists JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE, and if they used to work in media and quit, DON’T BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT A COME BACK.  That move is used to rip your ass off so quick you don’t see it until they left town.

Table to help determine people you should NOT be friends with.

Table to help people figure out who (NOT) to be friends with, apparently.

 

take me to the hospital

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The title is a popular song by the electronic band Prodigy, and it’s an awesome song on it’s own, but I have a memory of being taken to the hospital, where I still get a bill every month that I spitefully pay just $5 a month on for that ride.  I didn’t get charged by the hospital, luckily, but the freaking ambulance company is up my ass about a ride they are charging me over $700 for.  The cab ride back to the apartment from the hospital was under $20 with tip.

I got to talk to someone else recently who has endured this kind of thing.  Calling out for help sometimes gets you in even more trouble than you started out with.

me in paper, so stylish

me in paper, so stylish

In this photo I look like I am a psycho nursing assistant or something, but it’s actually a patient “uniform” when you get checked in to the ER at Earl K Long in Baton Rouge for a psychiatric evaluation.  Never call a suicide hotline while drunk!  More importantly, make a cop take you to the hospital because you will end up with a bill over $700 for a ten minute ambulance ride!

Now I could probably try to get medicaid to pay that, but I don’t want them to get the cash that quickly.  I don’t think it’s right for people to get carted off in an ambulance when they could take the ride in a cop car.  I really should have refused the ambulance and someone should have offered a ride, but then again, I didn’t push it, so nobody threatened to “take me to jail” if I didn’t go in the ambulance.

I know a cop could have taken me, even if they had to cuff me, but then again, if the ones who showed up were too lazy, the one that did put me in a car would have probably threatened jail just to get me into the ambulance.  I was drunk and depressed, in that “drunk crying” mode.  I was allowing myself to literally shake with anxiety because in my mind, this was the potential start for a much longer journey than just the hospital trip.

I wasn’t sure at all about what it would be like, or how long they would really keep me, or what kind of accommodations I would find at wherever they were taking me.  I didn’t know if I should expect the kind of thing I see in the movies, or if it would be worse.

When I got there, I was admitted, and they tested my urine and gave me ativan because the figured I was a pretty high level alcoholic to have that level, and they didn’t want to deal with seizures if I was physically dependent.  Luckily, even though I have been drinking about six years, I still never got to the point where I could handle the kind of amounts that they were probably assuming.

I am lucky to have the background and history of smoking as much weed as I did, because I have read somewhere that it helps prevent seizures that can potentially come from sudden abstinence from alcohol after several years of using it regularly.

I was in a weird mood when I started this post, probably buzzed, and I even used that photo of me in the paper suit while I was creating the first draft.  I would say I’m “not feeling it” anymore, but something kept me coming back to this post in an effort to figure out what I was ranting about this time.

I know that I didn’t appreciate having a $700 plus bill show up in the mail after going through such an ordeal as putting myself in that situation in the first place.  Then I had to go to the hospital and show them my actual financial state at the time so that they didn’t hit me up for over $1200.  That would have been over 2 grand for making one drunk fucking phone call!

At least I didn’t get caught trying to drive while fucked up because commercials out here in Nevada indicate they will take $10,000 from you by the time it’s all said and done, and you lose your car and license, unless they are figuring that all in with that horrible threat.

I’ve posted enough about “luck” and that didn’t have anything to do with never getting caught driving while fucked up.  I actually have an anxiety about trying to get behind the wheel even if I have been drinking a little bit, because I know very well that if some a-hole pedestrian walks out in front of you, it’s their fault if you are sober but your fault if you are fucked up.

That makes no fucking sense to me whatsoever.  I mean, if some drunk guy hits a bus stop, like one just did recently very close to where I happen to live, he should get slapped with the harshest punishment available.  He fucking killed somebody.  At the same time, nearly every week, some asshole tries to cross the street in total darkness in the exact point between intersections where they should not fucking be crossing.  Add to that if they are drunk and wobbling all over the place while trying to cross the road in total darkness, and you can guess that Darwin’s law will prevail, and that asshole will be another statistic shown on the news.

Most of the time, those suicidal pedestrians are taken out by people who happen to be *TOTALLY FUCKING SOBER* and very lucky to have been on that occasion.  In those cases, the drivers aren’t charged, because the cops know you CAN’T FUCKING SEE THESE PEOPLE IN THE DARK.  If, on the other hand, the driver happens to have had as little as a few beers, then criminal charges come into the picture.

That’s why I am scared to drive drunk.  I’m not scared I would cause an accident, I’m scared that some idiot would cause an accident and then I am still at fault because I happened to be drunk.  Because of this, I don’t drive drunk myself, but I am not so militant about drunk drivers.  If I lost a loved one to a drunk driver, I still would not occupy my time or energy in pursuing “every other drunk driver on the planet”.  Those people do that so they don’t go buy a gun and take out the *one drunk driver* that really matters “to them”. 🙂  I know, dark.

I am not just lucky, but work hard at keeping myself as safe as possible when I am fucking around with a drug as dangerous as alcohol.  I like getting drunk, but I understand and respect the power of that drug, and I know that it’s ironic that out of all the drugs on the planet, this is the one “they” chose to sedate us with.

I really wonder how and why they could not have encouraged the use of marijuana over alcohol because it is so much less dangerous.  Then, I remember that they only made marijuana illegal in the first place because they were racist and wanted an easy way to lock up as many minorities as they could.  I have read that it started with Mexicans, but it worked so well for them that they kept the law in place for blacks.  I am guessing that crack was a real boom to police unions and private prison investors, as well as a big win for racists everywhere who want to continue to lock up more people than any country in the world.

I also keep in mind how big pharma and big alcohol love the lack of competition from this meek little harmless plant.  Occasionally, now that the walls are coming down against the removal of marijuana prohibition, people are trying to lump in pot smokers with alcoholics, and I am kind of offended, even though I happen to be both at the same time.

I know that if pot would have been legal, I never would have started using alcohol regularly in the first place.  I have to wonder how many investors in big alcohol know this for a fact, and are close to knowing an exact statistic of how many regular customers they would not have if weed was legal.

I also wonder how much cancer could have been prevented or slowed down from killing so many people if weed was legal, since it has been proven that weed does inhibit tumor growth.  I have read that this was discovered way back in the 70’s, but the information was suppressed because they were trying desperately to find something *wrong* with weed but just couldn’t.

In fact, I failed to mention how genesis 1:29 in the freaking bible says that God created all plants for man to use as food.  Hemp happens to be perfectly nutritionally balanced, and yet, the christians are not in an uproar that this “sacred plant food” has been taken away from us.

I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for the “food network” to talk about the merits of weed being the “perfectly balanced food” because they are so mainstream and busy slinging  out the pro alcohol propaganda while they conveniently act like weed doesn’t exist.  There is a “cocktail” recipe in nearly every show, with real alcohol, but they act like they have never heard of “marijuana edibles”.

I have to wonder how many people never would have resorted to overdosing on prescription medication if they never went to pills because they stayed happy with a little weed every day.  I have to wonder how many people are in serious pain, and being denied those same pills even when a doctor orders them, because some dickhead at some pharmacy looked them over and labeled them a “drug addict”, even though they are %100 fucking legit.

All that makes me hate big pharma even more.  if the drugs they  make aren’t killing you, you are left dying in pain because the masochistic pharmacist doesn’t want to give you the shit that a real fucking doctor said you should have.

I don’t know, I like to say “I’m not crazy, this fucking reality is out of it’s fucking mind crazy.”

Of course, that is a typical statement of someone who is bat shit crazy, to assume that they are normal and the rest of the world is just fucked in the head.

In my case, when I look around at the world, and see comments people make online about different things, I really start to wonder if everybody is really fucked up in just one small way, and they are only functional because they can hold down that little bit of crazy long enough to get out of the public eye and express it in some kind of fucked up ritual.

I am happy just smoking a little weed, but that was “too much to ask”, before moving 2000 miles and going to a doctor for x-rays that show I need a hip replacement at the age of 46, and I am going to suffer in pain until it is replaced.  If I still lived in Louisiana, they would be giving me fucking tylenol for this massive occasional hip pain.  Louisiana can forever suck my balls.

Even now, I consider how after surgery, I will probably be given some heavy duty shit, and because I have long hair, the dickhead at the pharmacy might deny me of it when I really need it.  On the other hand, I have a history with my pharmacist, and I don’t go in there all nervous, anxious, and itchy, bitching if there is any delay on my precious fucking pills.  I have been in there and watched the kind of people they have no choice but to turn away.  At the same time, the local news makes a big deal out of people who have had to go to up to 30 pharmacies to get one medication, and one of those fuckers was in a fucking wheelchair!

When I said “take me to the hospital” a little part of me had given up.  I reached a kind of “rock bottom” that didn’t require a televised intervention or even the participation of family and friends.  At the time, my family was literally scared of me more than they were scared for me, and my “friends” were pretty shitty and fucked up themselves at the moment.

I had nobody to turn to but myself, and while I did check in for a 3 day holiday, it was really educational.  After all the alcohol I had abused, it wasn’t until I was on ativan that I managed to see from a slightly different perspective, and pull my head out of my ass long enough to finally start to straighten out all the shit that was fucked up with my life.

In a way, the visit to the hospital did absolutely nothing to improve my “condition” on it’s own.  The medication combined with the intense boredom of being stuck with nobody to talk to but yourself was enough to change my perspective to the point where I realized that I either had to figure out a guaranteed way to take myself out, or I had to figure out a way to maximize the potential I have for growth and development in the future.

I think that a spiteful part of myself wanted to get back out there into “reality” just to see how much trouble I could cause without getting into trouble myself.  In a way, I think I am still doing that.  My work is pretty unique, because there aren’t many super sized, or super morbidly obese women who are approaching 500lbs who literally suck and fuck on the internet.

I had to sober up “just enough” to get a job, to keep the apartment, to meet a few women, to build my confidence, to get Candy back, to get back to work doing what I was meant to be doing all along.

In a way, my life is even more crazy now than it was when I was just drinking myself to sleep every time I woke up.  I was boring, typical, useless alcoholic.  Now, i create content that is just raunchy enough that it stands out against the competition just enough to pay me just enough to make me want to keep creating it.

I am kind of taking money away from other people who are doing the same thing.  Every dollar I make I am grateful for because it’s a dollar someone could have spent somewhere else, but didn’t.  I realize that everybody and their grandmother, LITERALLY, are trying to make a dollar in the adult realm online.

There are granny phone sex chicks that are super sized but don’t even use that to their advantage, or just started to recently, which gets them into modeling.  That’s how I met and got started with Dia from bbwdungeon.com.  She was in phone sex, she was a SSBBW, and she didn’t think that she could market her real look in order to promote her phone sex.  Now women are doing it all the time.

I love saying “grannies” because I did some math and concluded that a woman is old enough to be a “granny” at just 32, if she had a kid at 16 and that kid had a kid at 16.  When you raise that to 18, you get 36.  If you raise it to 18, you get 42.  Candy happens to be 42 right now. 🙂  I have concluded that when Candy does hardcore content, it is not just SSBBW hardcore, it is actually SSBBW granny hardcore. 🙂

 

ssbbw candy godiva swallows

ssbbw candy godiva swallows

Being a ‘granny’ isn’t just for “parents” anymore. 🙂  Being a MILF probably doesn’t require having kids anymore.  Even if someone has biological kids, it doesn’t mean they have to have custody of said children when they do porn in order to be called a “MILF”.  I think that is just one of many “flattering” terms that have been given to fetishes and sexual preferences that don’t involve magazine cut out “allegedly perfect women”.

For example, “BBW” is supposed to mean “big beautiful women”, but I have often commented upon how the “beautiful” is easily disputable not only based on facial charisma, but on personality and general attitude.  In other words, there are some fat women out there who are just real bitchy cunts!  They really don’t deserve to use bbw no matter what they look like, but I like to call them “big bitchy women”. 🙂

So, the content that I create can get a little crazy, because all I have to do is cross over into a few more fetishes and it gets insane.  I put on a horse head mask for one video and so there is “mask play” and “pony play” as well as the already crazy combination of SSBBW granny porn.  If I toss some food in there on top of that, you have “feed me fuck me” ssbbw granny porn with mask play.

ssbbw sex with horsehead masked man

ssbbw sex with horsehead masked man

I don’t know, but maybe I just found a way to end this post, and justify the title “take me to the hospital”. 🙂

Also, this reminds me of how badly I want to do another SSBBW “feed me fuck me” hardcore clip and Candy has been procrastinating because she is fixated on the food she wants for feedee videos!

My life really is “crazy”. 🙂

 

another wave

0

Time is funny.  One can remember some events with such clarity, and yet, other events that might be more recent seem cloudy and distant.  One can remember something from childhood as they reach middle age, yet most people can’t remember the dream they had the night before.

For some reason, negative events seem to imprint themselves into memory so much deeper than the positive ones, with a few exceptions here and there.  I can remember the feeling of achievement when I passed the A+ computer tech certification test without having paid for any training or preparation classes.  That memory is not as strong as the one of me driving back to Louisiana while leaving Alexis in Florida, and leaving behind my first successful bbw porn website at the same time.

I can remember some of the songs that played on the radio, like Duran Duran “Girls On Film”.  I thought it was really ironic that I would catch that song from the very beginning as I flipped through an otherwise blank radio band in the middle of bum fuck nowhere Florida.  I can remember that the weather was nice, and while it wasn’t too hot, I had to restrict my speed to under 55 miles per hour because the radiator in my 1985 Toyota pick up truck was partially clogged, and I had to leave Florida too urgently to replace it first.

I can only partially remember driving to Florida in that same truck, pulling a U-Haul trailer nearly full of junk to a house that was owned by the woman who would later install the fear of death into me with her lies and schemes.  I can remember taking the plane to Orlando to meet her for the first time better than I remember driving myself there with all my stuff to “move in”.

I was such a fool to move in with that woman to begin with.  I laugh and laugh when I hear about people living across the country from each other, meeting up a few times, then moving in with each other.  I’m sure it might work occasionally, but I am now under the impression that you don’t really know someone until you have lived with them over a freaking year.

If you happened to move hundreds or even thousands of miles from your former home when you move in with someone, you are kind of trapped, unless you hold on to just enough cash to get your ass back home for the first whole year.  I was dumb enough to get talked into marrying that woman within the first fucking year.

There is no way that I should have gotten married to her, but when she suggested it, I thought it would give me more security in ownership of the company I created if I was married to my partner.  That was such a bad idea, because I was so fucking stupid I did not realize the company was really in her name, and so was the website that I poured so much of myself into.

When I got married to her I was entitled to “half”, but only if I was willing to stick around and fight her for it.  By the time I was ready to leave Florida, I had no fight left in me.  Alexis had me thrown in jail twice on made up bullshit.  I was never arrested in my life before going to Florida, and now, at age 46, I have never been arrested since either.  I’m lucky that I fought the charges instead of taking a plea deal, because I don’t have any record of any convictions, and I wasn’t forced to stay in Florida for months longer taking “court mandated anger management courses”.

I wasn’t going to fight her for that website or business, and I wasn’t going to stick around Florida one second longer than necessary once the charges were dropped against me.  The very day of my final court date, when I was told I was free and clear of all that bullshit, I stopped by and said goodbye to one female friend that was special to me, I stopped by the bank where my business account was to empty that out, and I got on Interstate headed for “home”.

I didn’t even have a U-Haul trailer just yet, I made my first visit back home with my cash and the clothes on my back, leaving an apartment with a third of my stuff in place.  Once I established residency back in Louisiana, I drove the 700 plus miles each way a second time to pick up the little bit of crap I could sneak out of her house without her knowing.

I was pretty bold back then, to even try to sneak my shit out of her house when I was waiting on a court date where she agreed to drop any charges that she had made up to begin with.  Alexis not only lied to get me arrested, but she also lured me back to her house, to call the cops again, to have them catch me there and lock me up for violating a restraining order.

The first arrest was traumatic enough, but when she tricked me into coming over there just to get me arrested again, she just helped me to make up my mind to leave her and that business far behind as quickly as possible.  The second arrest was so much worse, because I was already violating a ‘bond condition’, so I had to hire a second lawyer to get me out the second time, after having to stay in there for five days.  The first arrest, I was in lock up overnight.  The second arrest, I was in general population for almost a week.

The first lawyer was just for the divorce, and he tried to tell me that he could get me out of jail, but by the third day I was on the phone with another lawyer,  paying $3000 on a credit card that I would never pay back.  It’s wild, I never declared bankruptcy, but because I left the state of Florida and never allowed any credit agency to know where I was for seven years, nearly $20,000 was dropped right off the credit report.  No bankruptcy lawyer needed, or wanted.  I had enough with lawyers, and now I realize after all that stuff why people make such cruel jokes about them.

“What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea?  A good start.”

I know that I got away without having to pay that credit off, which is good for me, but at the same time, Alexis was able to continue to collect any profit from the business I created for years after I left.  It is a good thing she was so fucking ignorant and lazy about how to go about doing that, because her websites all started to go downhill once I left.  People actually noticed, I still get occasional notes to this day.

The websites are still there.  Someone purchased or was given the business “Bigger And Better Inc” and they continue to keep fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net going to this day.  I have lifted a few photos from there to show proof that it was me right there next to Alexis when that business was at it’s height.

I spent a whole year after I came back to Louisiana just getting my shit together.  I had to get a job, I eventually had to replace the truck, and I had to find a place to live that didn’t do a credit check so that they would not find me to try to get a judgement, and so the apartment considering me would not see that I had just broken a lease in Florida to get the fuck out of there.  I was only in that apartment for a few weeks, and left it cleaner than I found it, but they were entitled to make me buy myself out of the lease because I did sign one.

So, $20,000 in credit card debt, and a $4000 penalty for not finishing a lease.  I got off cheap.  A few years later, I would fuck up and skip filing income taxes for 2 years, so I did pay an extra $2000 for fucking up like that.  I was still lucky in that case, because after spending years paying that off, I made a call and requested “penalty abatement” and I actually got out of paying the last $1000.  Again, no scumbag fucking lawyer required for me to reduce my tax liability.

It would probably take them quite a while to get around to auditing me, because I was so fucking honest with them to take on that kind of penalty, pay it off, and keep taxes paid up every year since.  I even keep receipts that could be legit business expenses but I don’t claim them, so if I am ever audited, I may actually be found to be wrong *IN MY FAVOR*.  I’m sure they don’t get that too often!

It took me a whole year to run into a woman who happened to work with phone sex.  She also had a website going, but she was buying skinny content and creating a website to resell it.  She was probably doing ok back then with that, because there weren’t tens of thousands of porn sites in existence just yet.  This was 2001.

More importantly, there still weren’t very many BBW specific porn sites, and virtually no porn sites that specialized in SSBBW.  When I first met Dia, she had never modeled, even though she had an eloquent feminine figure that happened to include FF cup breasts.

Dia was already in the adult mindset, she just never realized how powerful her body type was, until she met me.  She hadn’t done much research on the BBW niche’, even though she had been working in phone sex for years already before I even met her.  While I was getting myself into all kinds of shit in Florida, she was sitting back making cash just talking dirty on the phone.

I would have thought right then and there that I had met my future forever partner.  There was an issue though.  Me.  The experience I had been put through with Alexis, at that age, with that much loss, created a PTSD like syndrome where I became obsessed with getting credit for my work in Florida, and better, creating something all new that was all mine.

With Dia’s help, I got some pointers on design, and I was able to create a much more attractive site than fatfantasy.net ever was.  I also pulled out 21 cd’s full of images from Florida and went to work using those to build my all new site, hotbbws.com.

Within just a few months, the checks started coming.  My work had only been seen on one site before, so it wasn’t long before my photos started to get attention and make money.  My site was prettier than her’s, even though looking at it now, it is not nearly as fancy as the current corporate assortment of bbw and ssbbw related porn sites.

I like to say that the prettier the site, the less content there probably is.  I think that is a really correct assumption when I see the high quality design capability of some webmasters combined with models that quit after a few months, or are way too lazy to create new content on a regular basis!

I was so driven, but it was by revenge.  I wanted revenge on Alexis, but not in the typical way that some people go crazy and destroy shit or hurt people.  I saw a slogan on a daytime talk show before I ever left Florida where someone said “The best revenge is doing better.”

I could have taken my own advice back when Candy left both times, because I acted a damn fool online, and seemed to get off on making hurtful comments just to disturb people.  It took me months after Candy left to attempt to get revenge by “doing better”, and by that time, I had already done too much damage to ever fully recover socially online.

I was crazy motivated to find new models in addition to using all this content I had.  I was lucky to have photographed releases, ID’s, as well as about 2 dozen plus different bbws and ssbbws.  I didn’t have any of the video, even though I was in almost all of them, and there were at least 2 dozen hardcore videos too.  That was back in the days of VHS, before the internet had a prayer of ‘streaming’ a whole porn, television show, or movie.

That was back in the days of DSL and T1 lines.  Alexis had invested in a T1, but once cable internet came out, that shit was totally obsolete.  I bet that fucking woman kept paying hundreds a month for years on that shit, because the websites were hosted in a fucking garage.

Once I moved back to Louisiana, cable internet was available, and pretty cheap, and I was able to take full advantage of it.  It was not long though, before Alexis saw what I was doing, got jealous, and went fucking crazy to knock my shit down.  She harassed my hosting company, my internet billing company, and got me shut down by just being fucking annoying.  These days I know it is not quite as easy to get someone closed down without a fight, because the companies that exist today are much more stable than the ones back then.

For example, my host was shitty, and over priced.  My billing company was fucking GLOBILL.  If you do any research on them, they fucking ripped off hundreds of people for thousands of dollars when the last fucking check they mailed out bounced, and people who had thousands of dollars coming in a month were FUCKED.  To my knowledge, Globill never fully paid back any of the poor fucks they stole that money from.  I hope those fuckers still have problems because of that shit.

It wasn’t long before IBILL went down next, and that was the company Alexis used.  I was lucky to have been so fucking pissed at Alexis I would choose CCBILL before ever going to IBILL, JUST BECAUSE ALEXIS FUCKING USED THEM.

All this time a lot of other shit went down though.  After Alexis got hotbbws.com version one shut the fuck down, I had to switch over to using all my own content, which luckily, I had been working on for a fucking year by then.  Unluckily for Dia and me, my obsession to get new content pissed her off.  She was too jealous at that time to understand my absolute need to find other models and pick up where I left off in Florida.

There was a point one day when I had made plans to photograph someone, and Dia was ok with it at first, but of course, we got into an argument right before I was supposed to leave.  I was still so fucked up from Florida.  I was doing all of this shit just to get back at Alexis, and prove that all that fucking work was mine.  I didn’t even care about the fucking money, I just wanted credit for all that fucking work!

Little did I know at the time, if I could have afforded a lawyer, I could have shown that because I was the photographer, I had rights to use that work, and I could have further sued her for damages in getting me shut down.  Either way, I fucking hated lawyers, and I didn’t want to fight her.  In fact, soon after I got to Louisiana, I cut off all contact with her so that I could not be accused of harassment back in the days before “stalking” existed.

The argument with Dia was heated, and she was so pissed at one point that she said something that I could never forget, and could not accept at the time after Florida.  She said “Do you know how easy it would be to kill you in your sleep?”

Now, if it was me in the present, I would give her suggestions on exactly how to go about doing that without it hurting me or fucking up and leaving me alive and fucked up.  I have that kind of sense of humor, and now I am old enough to welcome death as long as it’s not too painful and I don’t have too much time to suffer.

Back then, I was still traumatized from Alexis.  That bitch had me thinking at one point that people wanted to blow up her house, people were following me, she had mafia affiliations, people were being kidnapped and tortured for information, and we were in debt to an organization that was providing protection.

All that was such stupid bullshit, and I was such a fucking dumb fuck to believe it for a second.  I let that foolishness go on for about 3 weeks, and one night, I got fed up.  Alexis sent me to what was supposed to be a 24 hour post office, and she gave me fucked up directions, and I was in the middle of nowhere.  I hate wild fucking goose chases!  I pulled up to a payphone, and at the risk of being shot in the head right then and there, I made one phone call.  I called her bluff by risking my very life.

That’s what I mean when I say that Alexis put the fear of death in to me while there.  It was only 3 weeks, and I was the one to blame for believing such an outrageous set of lies.  I still have the micro cassettes that I used to bug her phone after she pulled that shit, just to see what other fucking shit she would come up with.

I let my mother listen to those tapes before she died, and she was on “team Thomas” after that.  She sat back and listened to Alexis talk to another woman about how she knew an ex cop and could have me “taken care of”.  That, and a few other statements, provided more than enough encouragement for me to get the fuck out of there.  When confronted, Alexis would claim that she knew I had the phone bugged and she said that shit to bait me.

She was a liar, but she was too fucking stupid to get over on me once I busted her compulsive, pathological liar ass.  I know that shit was for real, because there was another conversation with her son in law, who was a cop, about how a “pattern of arrest” could show a pattern of domestic abuse, and enable her to forcefully push me out of the home, the marriage, and the business.  She didn’t need to do all that shit.  All she had to do was ask me to fucking leave.

On another conversation, she talked to someone else about how she had everything “set up” to take over, but she needed my help, and she needed my work ability.  I once told Alexis when I knew shit was going downhill that when I finally had enough and left, it would take five different people to do “my job”.  To this day, I still believe that to be absolutely true, because i have listed off the many jobs I have to do in another post somewhere I don’t want to stop to dig up.

Before I finally left, before the last court date that would free me forever from her, I had a conversation with her about how I am “out of control” and maybe I should just go back home and leave everything to her.  She started crying, begging, pleading for me to stay because she “needed my help”.

I told her that I had a few conversations with her friends that revealed some wild shit.  That was the cover I used to avoid telling her that I was still bugging the fucking phone.  It was a lot easier to bug a land line phone than it would be to bug a cell, but I imagine even that is not impossible, or very difficult.  The fact that I was even compelled to go to a “spy store” in 2000 and buy a voice activated micro cassette recorder and a microphone cable that plugged into a phone jack with a double phone jack plug let me know that shit was out of control already and I had to get out.  I was just looking for a reason by the time I was waiting months for my second court date after spending five fucking days in jail and blowing $3000 to get my ass out.

I have to wonder how long it took for Debbie to call Alexis when I stopped by her work to tell her I was on my way “home”.  I was really telling both “Little Debbie” and “Big Debbie” at the same time because they worked together.  They had both modeled, and I had been filmed having sex with both of them.  Alexis would be the only one to see that money after I left, except for the $3000 that I pulled out of the business account and kept in my sock on the drive home.

Back to Dia though for a moment.  When Dia told me just how easy I could be murdered, potentially by her, while I was sleeping, it was too much at that time for me to accept.  I still regret bringing her to that state of anger myself.  The real irony is in the fact that the woman I went to see could not even take photos because her relatives here staying in a trailer near by, or some bullshit.  That fucking bitch made me drive nearly an hour each way to tell me that shit instead of letting me cancel online.  She caused me to literally kick Dia out of my apartment for saying what she said because she was rightfully angry and upset at me.

I didn’t just put Dia out on the street.  I was still friends with my second ex wife Stori at the time.  Stori appears on hotbbws.com too, but only in the member’s area, because she wanted to be “discreet”.  I was way too agreeable as a fucking pornographer back then!  I would tell Dia that I would stay with Stori, and she could take as long as she needed to get her shit together and get the fuck out.  I still can’t fucking believe I did that to her.

Because I was so driven at the time to replace my work lost in Florida, and then lost a second time at hotbbws.com, I had to do it.  I don’t think I could do that to her now if I was in that situation all over again.  I still feel badly about it, and I resent Alexis more because of how badly she fucked me up over there.  I really should have gotten counseling for that shit, and so much other shit to follow!

Dia took about a week to two weeks to prepare, and I took her to the bus station, and she went “somewhere”.  I don’t even remember now, because she is not where she went at this time.  I still talk to her online, and have talked to her by phone, and I have apologized profusely for doing that to her back then.  I just could not handle it.  I was so fucked up.  She had a quick temper, and odds are, I would have pulled some shit sooner or later that would have caused us to break up.  I still think she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the pleasure and privilege of photographing.

Dia at hotbbws.com

Dia at hotbbws.com

I am fortunate that she is so gracious and forgiving, so that I can still count her among my friends, even if she is so very far away like all of the closest ones, except for Candy.  I still maintain bbwdungeon.com as an ad for her phone sex, which she still freaking does.  Exoticbbw.com was originally her’s, and she gave it to me when she decided she wanted to stick with phone sex over websites.

Bbwdungeon.com was once a member site, but I could not sustain the costs of hosting it back when I had really shitty hosting.  Thankfully the hosting issue is resolved, so I can finally add shitloads of stuff to all the sites.  The problem with me lately is the block I have in working with hotbbws.com or lots2luv.com.  The reasons for that block are partially explained somewhere else I’m sure, and explaining it again here would drag me way off course, more than I already am.

I hit over 4k in words so far, and now I think I have gotten myself kind of lost.  I realize that I had to come back to Dia, after going way off course with Alexis, and then Stori, and of course Candy.  There is something I realize is vitally important to go with all of this, and I still haven’t figured out the title of this post just yet, but my stream of consciousness writing always seems to come full circle, eventually.

Because Dia was so fucking hot and my paranoid ass dropped her, I had to find more models.  I was working full time as a computer tech with the small shop I worked at before going to Florida, before upgrading from that job to a tech job in New Orleans that I hated having to drive to, park for, and hated them for giving me shit when I failed a drug test 3 months into working for them, as they casually said they “forgot” to do it pre-employment.

That is a whole other fucking story right there, because the fact that they pulled that shit encouraged me to move to Florida and start fatfantasy.net instead of having to suck a boss’s dick every day.  They couldn’t just fire me because they failed to give me the drug test before hiring me and paying me for 3 fucking months.  They just wanted to give me a shitty assignment in http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalmette,_Louisiana, which I wasn’t fucking having.

It’s bad enough that these assholes made me come to work the day that hurricane “George” hit in 1998, and left me stranded in a Bourbon Street bar watching television until the water went down so I could see if my fucking truck got flooded while parked under interstate.  Luckily, the truck was ok, the shoes weren’t.

Anyway, anybody who has heard about hurricane Katrina knows what happened to Chalmette.  If the drive to New Orleans every fucking day and evening wasn’t bad enough, they wanted me to go another half hour to fucking shitty Chalmette.  I would be a computer tech in an oil refinery having to wear a fucking biosuit.

That is an important fact to keep in mind, because that fucking computer company influenced me to move to Florida to begin with, and start my life of being a fat fetish ‘pornographer’ forever.

Also, on a side note, those alleged ‘flushes’ to help you pass a drug test DON’T FUCKING WORK.  DON’T FUCKING TRY IT.  USE SAFE PISS.  I was asked by a co-worker when word got around that I failed the drug test “Why didn’t you bring in someone else’s piss like everybody else does?”  Too honest for my own fucking good.

I didn’t fuck up like that when I got a job at CompUSA.  I was so lucky to have a friend that didn’t smoke weed!

Back to the point.  Because I had to dump Dia because I was a paranoid little bitch, I had to find other models.  I did just that.  Over the course of the next year I would end up luring at least a half dozen bbws and ssbbws to taking photos.  I had to weed through the ones who didn’t want to sign a release and just have sex.  I had to avoid the ones who just wanted “personal pics”.  I had to focus on finding the ones who would let me copy their ID, and sign a fucking model release, and not bitch months later for me to remove them because they are a dumb ass who told the wrong person and they told the really wrong person.

I stumbled upon Candy around that time.  Candy would be the death of me and my ambition to find as many models as I could, eventually.  We met in early 2002, we were living together by the end of 2002, and we stayed in an open relationship “with conditions” until feb of 2008.  I was able to “hook up” with a woman if she was willing to give up the ID and sign a release and be on my websites.  That was the only condition.

That meant certain types of women who would inevitably contact me were off limits.  A good example of that is “teachers”.  I can’t tell you how many times I got an email from a teacher who said “I used to model but I started teaching and…” and i quit fucking reading.   Sorry.  Not really.  Next.

Now, I sit back and watch wave after wave of new models coming into the picture, doing some work, quitting, then appearing in stolen images used to promote dating sites.  Every time I see a brand new bbw or ssbbw model doing this or that, I sit back and wait until she quits, or has weight loss surgery, or both.

No matter who just started, or who just quit, there is always another wave of new models coming in and going out.  Some of the ones going out like to stick around in the periphery of porn, by running group parties or annual conventions.  They are still relevant to the bbw scene, but they still quit.

It is so ironic, that I had to reject and dump so many women over the course of my life to find, lose, and recover Candy.  Once I met Candy, I was doomed.  I must have fallen in love with her instantly, because I tried to “return her” back to where I found her, but after a few months, she always re-appeared.

Even when she left for 4 months and then for 8 months, I remained obsessed, because there could never be another woman who had the effect on me she did instantly, and further, I had never met another woman who cared enough about my own agenda to let me have it without greedy or jealous emotional restraint.

Once I was ready to give up all other women, I realized internally that I was giving up my old technique in finding new models too.  In a way, I kind of “quit” myself, but I didn’t, because I still have her.  As many times as I have lost her, i knew, that even if I came across a woman who was similar, there was no way to build up that kind of history with someone else.  At 46 years old, I don’t think I have time to go through all of that over again and still be young enough to physically do the shit by the time I did.

I did meet one woman while Candy was gone, that I already went into great detail about.  She is the unnamed ssbbw that I showed in the last post.  I realized as I re-read the previous post that I said I never used a single photo of her in the 4 years that I had them.  By posting her here, I just did.

By bringing up hotbbws.com and lots2luv.com I am kicking myself for not working on them more already.  I don’t care about the money, I care about the unused content that sits on DV tapes in a back room closet.  I have a computer that I set up with a firewire card just because of that camera and those tapes.  I have hours of tapes of the unnamed ssbbw and I will be glad if 4 years in time travel didn’t fuck those tapes up.

Dia at hotbbws.com

Dia at hotbbws.com

I had to add another photo, the last one was after sex, so I’m sure it was not as flattering as this one.  This photo was shot in an apartment in Metairie, Louisiana.  If I had not moved to Las Vegas the last time when I did, I would have been holding Candy’s hand walking out of this apartment in 4 feet of water during hurricane Katrina.

Fate is a funny thing.  Showing Dia at that apartment reminds me that I lived in Vegas before, and I was fucking lucky to have packed everything in that shitty car and have the exhaust scrape the interstate on nearly every big bump because of how all that shit and Candy’s huge ass was weighing that crappy car down.  The transmission didn’t last too long after that 2 way trip 2000 miles each way.

The only woman I met when Candy was gone that impressed me nearly as much as her was married and living with her husband and kid.  I am still shocked  that she did the ID and release, and I really should have added her sooner.  Maybe I was worried that with her living situation she might come back on me to remove her.  Now 4 years has passed, maybe she forgot about it altogether. 🙂

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

Now I have used 2 images of this unnamed SSBBW.  There is hope I can overcome the block I mentioned before with the 2 inactive sites.  This woman is far too impressive to sit on my drive forever.

Just like I said before, no matter how many new models start, or older ones quit, there is always another wave, even if they took photos over 4 years ago! 🙂

 

 

 

over a decade

0

I wonder myself sometimes how everything that has happened has actually happened.  The thought of Candy leaving twice, and my going literally insane both times is such a weird set of memories to process.  I know that there are times that I still experience the anxiety I felt at that time out of the blue, with no additional stimulus required.  At the same time, when real shit is doing down in my life I tend to use another type of anxiety to motivate, inspire, and push myself into doing what needs to be done.

There are times I have had some pretty heavy duty shit going on, like having to pull a huge, heavy fuel tank off a big ass van to replace the fuel pump, or pull the dash apart to replace an automotive computer.  Those two things were just last year, and while I do consider myself a hobby mechanic, both of those jobs were things I had not done before, and I had to face a certain type of anxiety in order to successfully complete both of them, and still have working transportation that is paid for, and amazes me to this day that it is still going.

The biggest obstacles I have come across in my life never came anywhere near the level of intensity I felt when I lost Candy.  It was as if everything in my life before those events meant absolutely nothing.  All the accomplishments, all the hurdles overcome, all the disappointment, all the pain, none of it meant anything when I lost the one person in the world that I felt I loved more than anyone or anything else.

I literally wanted to drink myself to death.  I went online and I started to reject everything I held dear all of my life.  I started to become the absolute worst troll that even I had ever come across in the realm of ‘SSBBW’ or super size big beautiful women.  I would not lash out so much at individuals, except for a very small handful of people who were directly involved, because they cared enough to save Candy from me if I wasn’t making her happy.

I would go into every fat specific area of the internet I could find to bitch and raise hell about how I should not be attracted to women who look like this.  I should not be in such pain because I chose someone to love who would leave me.  I was lashing out partially because I was severely intoxicated most of the time, but also because I was hurt deeper than I had ever been hurt in my life.

I am still resolving feelings of guilt over how I acted.  I have apologized over and over to one person who was mature enough not to take any of it too personally in the first place.  I have wondered what must be going through the minds of people who Candy met and interacted with while she was gone, only to run back to me, after previous accusations of abuse.

We were in a destructive, abusive relationship for at least one or two years before the point where she left, but we didn’t realize it, because there were circumstances that Candy wasn’t fully aware of that triggered negative behavior in her.  When Candy and I met, we were both potheads.  She had what amounted to a near allergic reaction to alcoholics.  She had previous family history with alcoholics, and she herself feels as if she went through a period of alcoholism in her earlier years before we ever met.

When I made the brilliant decision to stop smoking pot and start drinking in it’s place, that created an environment where I would start drinking in the evening, and as I got more and more intoxicated, Candy would grow more and more anxious and upset.  If I were to talk a little too much, or about the wrong subjects while intoxicated, it would give her the reason she was looking for to just “go off” on me.  I had a great deal of restraint, after being through everything I have been through back in Florida with Alexis, so I would let it go.

There were just a few times when I would have gotten upset along with her for being upset, and I would allow an argument to escalate to a certain point.  Then, I would get tired out from being drunk and just want to quit arguing, usually before anything significant happened.

One evening, things did get really intense, and rather than cooling off and calming down, Candy made a snap decision to take off.  She wasn’t just leaving for a day, or a few days, she was packing a back to move out completely.  Because she had just done the same thing a few months before, I started to reach a point where I didn’t want her to come back.  I had been so hurt by her leaving the last time, and so excited when she came back, that watching her leave yet again would have me telling myself that I didn’t deserve that shit, I was over it, and I can’t be in love with someone who leaves me over little shit.

For the first few weeks she was gone, she had probably intended to come back all along.  Because I entered this mindset of believing I didn’t want her back, I would allow myself to get drunk and log on Facebook to rant and rave about how shitty it was for her to leave the way she did, and how she was “not a good girlfriend” if she was going to use this tactic of leaving me to control me.

At one point, maybe 2 and a half weeks in, I got so drunk that I posted some really horrible shit on Facebook, where instead of complaining, I started getting highly insulting.  At that point, any thought Candy had of coming back started to evaporate, and instead of getting her back sooner, I pushed her away for even longer.

After about 3 months of doing nothing but getting drunk every single day and passing out, I finally decided to get back out there and try to meet people.  The first attempt was this woman in her 20’s who I talked to on the phone.  She acted like she really wanted to meet right away, so she suggested I go to some bar to meet up with her.  She totally stood me up.  I tried calling her, no answer, of course, she knew what she was doing.

I will never forget the drive home from that place, how depressing it was, and how everything I passed on the way home reminded me of being with Candy.  I was reminded of how much I loved and missed her, and I was hurt so very deeply to have the first moment of encouragement turn out to be another taunt by life itself.

I didn’t try to contact that woman, but a few days later she sent me an email trying to apologize.  I basically cursed her out, told her how useless and pathetic she was for doing that to me, and I told her not to contact me anymore.  I also wrote out at least 3 pretty harsh jokes about her having only one hand.  I know that was totally uncalled for now, but it felt good at the time to do it.  She was writing me as if there was some big misunderstanding about the plans she had made with me.  She may have attempted to say she “chickened out”, but it didn’t matter.  She was already putting me in the position of meeting her “with friends”, which I absolutely hate doing.  Then, after agreeing to that really shitty scenario, she stood me up.

I stayed at that bar until around 1am, not because I had hope she would show up, but because I wanted to put myself through the misery of being someplace I didn’t want to be because some bitch lied me into going in the first place.  I wanted to absorb all of that negative emotion for as long as I could stand it, until I really wanted to go home and slam more vodka.

There was no giving up at that point though.  I had to meet someone.  Hanging out with old alcoholic guys was more depressing than being alone, and the more I was alone, the more time I had to act like a total dickhead on Facebook.  I believe a part of me hates Facebook to this day for giving me an outlet to make such an ass of myself.  I still get drunk and act stupid online, but I am not mean, depressed, and cruel to people.

When that woman stood me up on the very first date planned since Candy left, it reminded me of the long, hard road ahead in finding someone I am attracted to, who was available, who I could trust.  The person I was at that time would not allow me to find the “perfect woman for me” though, because I wasn’t myself.  I was lying to myself about not being in love with Candy and wanting her back, so I would naturally lie to myself about the kind of woman I would be truly happy with.

One woman was so physically awesome, and she agreed to model, and I still have yet to figure out what site I want to add her to.  It has been nearly 4 years since I took those photos, and I have yet to ever use any of them.  A part of me looks at that work as inferior because i was so very drunk most of the time.  Another part of me looks at that work and feels the pain I was in at that time.  Something has blocked me from using those photos, even though I have an ID, a model release, and she is physically amazing and impressive as a SSBBW.

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

It was awesome and amazing to meet someone so physically amazing and incredible.  I would have been instantly in love with her appearance with the hopes that her personality would not let me down.  She was unavailable though, of course.  She was available to mess around, but she was living in a situation that prevented any possibility of us being together.

This was another harsh reminder to me of the long hard road ahead in finding someone I could love like Candy.  The first woman to appear and actually come through and meet me would turn out to be someone that I would never have a chance of being with.  A woman who I could probably be content to be monogamous with for the rest of my life is just another fantasy.  Of course.

I didn’t give up though, I kept searching, and I reached another compromise.  There was one woman who was kind of aggressive online about wanting to meet up, but at the same time, she was a certain “type” that I was always hesitant to get involved with heavily.  I’ll just say it, she was a freaking “christian”.  She was eager to meet me though, and that seemed to be a rare occurrence for me in the online dating world, so I agreed to meet with her.

the christian bbw

the christian bbw

She was beautiful, and happened to remind me of someone from the distant past facially.  She had full, sexy arms, and DDD breasts, but she had kind of the typical “top heavy” figure, which has never been my total favorite.  Anyone who has seen images of Candy would realize quickly that her mass is more heavily distributed on the lower half.

Since as long as I can remember, there has been this thing about larger thighs.  In a previous post, I went into great detail about a theory that I have about being near sighted as a child and going years without wearing glasses.  I may have started to distinguish male from female by body shape more heavily than face, and because I had such an intense sexuality, I started to become attracted to larger and larger representations of visual femininity in the body.  I could recognize someone from a great distance before seeing their face by seeing their shape and even their walk.  I still do this, because I can recognize some people from a distance, looking at their back while they walk away.  I once picked out a woman I knew in a crowded mall on a Saturday from the second floor while she walked away on the first floor a great distance below and away from me.

Because of this, I have to admit even to myself that I developed a kind of “fetish” for large thighs.  I tried to overcome this, because I kept telling myself that I didn’t love Candy, I was no longer attracted to Candy, and I was not going to limit my potential sexual partners to women who are “Super sized” or super morbidly obese, who happen to have large thighs too.  That was too specific for my old, ugly, drunk ass.

I kind of settled, which is horrible, and I still feel guilt over how it hurt her when I had to tell her Candy was coming back.  I settled on her being religious, her being top heavy, and her being kind of distant and controlling herself.  It’s not like I wasn’t attracted to her, because at her size, with her shape, I could do things with her that I could not physically accomplish with Candy, ever.  She could literally ride me to the point where I was struggling to control climax.  Having those pendulous breasts swinging in my face while she gyrated on top of me was something that was kind of “new” to me, and it was literally amazing.

I know that sex is not the only thing that can keep a relationship together, and while I was still fixated on my preference for large thighs, I would end up cheating on the christian in order to see and photograph the unavailable ssbbw.  One time they actually passed each other in the parking lot because I was such a bastard.  I can’t believe that I was able to pull off that kind of timing while I was so hopelessly intoxicated most of the time.

By the time I started to “date” again, I did reduce the drinking a great deal.  I also got a job, which surprised even me at the time.  I didn’t just get a job, I got 2 offers and had to choose between them.  I also pulled that off just weeks before it would have bankrupted me to pay rent before getting the first paycheck.  My timing does seem pretty amazing, even when I am impaired.

I must have been dating the christian for a few months, because it really hurt her when I sat her down and told her that Candy was coming back to me.  I had to also admit that I had been talking to Candy behind her back, and that I loved Candy all along, even if I was trying to lie to myself about not loving her because she left me.

All of this seems to have wanted to come out of me today because it has been a few months since I had to hurt someone else emotionally, when Candy thought she wanted to leave and somehow we managed to work it out yet again.  I thought there was no way that I could have met someone that I would be so fond of while I was still living with Candy, even if she was planning to leave.  Maybe the fact that she didn’t just eject herself much faster gave me some kind of ability to find and meet exactly the kind of woman I would want to be with after she was gone.

That hurt me this time.  I had a few months to get to know someone who is physically amazing and complex intellectually.  Because Candy was leaving yet again, I was giving myself an opportunity to find the near perfect woman while Candy was still with me.  Of course, the second I find one that seemed to be really compatible, and have real potential, it would be ripped away from me because I cannot resist the loyalty of my love for Candy, and she changed her mind yet again.

Being with Candy for over a decade, I have been through more emotional turmoil than ever in my life.  That is saying a lot, since I lost my very first SSBBW porn site in a divorce when I left Lexi in Florida.  I was so young and foolish and impulsive, and even way back then, I had a level of maturity to realize that I had to leave that situation or I was going to end up getting in more and more trouble over time.

I have managed to resolve a lot of my feelings about Alexis, and what I went through in Florida, but it still impresses me that I was able to walk away from “my baby”.  i cared more about that first website, fatfantasy.net, than I ever cared about Alexis, and that’s exactly why it had to be given up, to save myself.

me and alexis so long ago

me and alexis so long ago

Now I have to deal with unresolved feelings from when I was a total dickweed on Facebook while Candy was gone both times.  I have to deal with the guilt of how I treated all the people involved who were just trying to help Candy, and they didn’t even love her the way I do.  I still have issues with getting intense and typing too much in a place I shouldn’t be while I am somewhat intoxicated, but nothing reaches the level of pure crazy that I dove into while Candy was gone both times.

I had to break someone’s heart because I could not choose them over Candy.  Not just because of the time I have known her, but because the intense level of emotion that has developed over that time.  Now I have to deal with that too.  I’m getting better, not letting myself get as drunk as I used to.  I try harder to resist the temptation to log on to social media when I pass a certain level of intoxication, but sometimes it is just too tempting, and too satisfying.

Writing while intoxicated is something that I picked up as a kind of coping mechanism to deal with the loss and pain of Candy leaving both of those times.  For a period of maybe a year or so since being in Vegas, Candy’s decisions kept me in a kind of emotional stasis where I had to go back to those habits to deal with what I was feeling at the time.

It’s amazing, that Candy and I were falling apart because we were staying in different rooms during the day, and the little interaction she got with me was when I would bust into the bedroom ranting about something on the news or something I saw online.  I failed to see how just being apart from each other, even in the same residence, was slowly destroying our relationship.  It would seem so obvious to anyone on the outside, but I was blinded by my bias, my emotions, and my past experiences.

I’m getting better, I’m writing this on day 6 without a cigarette, or I should say a real cigarette.  I’m still using nicotine replacement, with the nicotine patches and an e-cig, only for use when cravings reach a level of intensity that make me want to give up and buy a pack of cigarettes.  I’m limiting myself to a 12 pack of beer over a 2 day period, trying to give myself a break for a day or 2 between 12 packs.  If I drink more than 6 beers in one day, I am limiting my future intake the next day, and I won’t let myself buy more.

I still get loaded and type, but now my mood is so different.  I’m dealing with a lot of shit, and a lot of unresolved feelings, but I feel as if I am slowly stumbling out of some kind of haze that I have been living in for the past 3 to 4 years.  It’s not just the alcohol, it’s the experience of how different I am and felt before I started drinking to begin with.   It’s not like I am a life long alcoholic, I just started using it seriously after 40, and I’m 46 now.  I used to hate alcohol because I knew it was put in place as a sedative to get people to stop doing ALL OTHER DRUGS, which is pure and total bullshit.

I’m not just for marijuana legalization, I believe that all kinds of psychedelics should be legal too, because humans were given this huge brain to use in ways that our current proper and prudish society are literally SCARED TO USE.  After reading authors like Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert, I realize that there is great potential and discovery in using these drugs to stimulate parts of the brain that were probably created because humans were doing that shit millions of years ago to begin with!  Of course, if you are a hardcore christian, you might believe there is no way this planet can be that old.  That’s why I can’t get along with christians.

I have read studies about using LSD to cure alcoholism, and there are times I have to wonder if I inflicted that horrible disease on myself just to figure out how to cure myself later.  I compare that theory to the way that I suspect some plus sized models have a goal point to reach before they get weight loss surgery and start the process all over again.

I have a lot of crazy theories, and none of the education required to truly experiment with them.  My most intense theories are the ones I have about how one develops a fat fetish to begin with.  That thing about body recognition and a need for a super feminine form is a pretty good one.

Ok, now I’m rambling, and going off course.  This post should have ended when I used the term “over a decade” out of respect to the title. 🙂

 

 

unexpected korean food

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Well, I was impressed yesterday with the delivery of some food that Candy ordered kind of by accident.  She was browsing this new listing on “grub hub” and it was a Korean, Japanese, and Chinese variety type of restaurant.  It was just out of curiosity that Candy would fill out a whole menu order, just to see how much it would cost to experiment a little bit with a food that she had never tried before.

The menu was impressive, and Candy was just playing around, so she picked out about $60 worth of stuff.  She believes that she would have just closed the window at that point, or switched to doing something else, but somewhere along the line, she must have hit “enter” or clicked the one button to complete the process.

I was glad that I was actually home at the time it arrived, because I had just been out to do an errand, and Candy would have not wanted to answer the door.  She would have been nude as well, so she would have had to travel all the way across the apartment and back in order to answer the door at all.

She would have probably assumed that the knock on the door was just a solicitation and ignored it, until they called her to tell her that the order was there and nobody was answering.  It never came to that though, the faint initial knock was heard from the kitchen just before Candy was about to make a B.L.T. and a fruit smoothie.

SSBBW Candy does Korean and Japanese food

SSBBW Candy does Korean and Japanese food

There was a moment of confusion at the door with the driver, because Candy never told me she ordered, so I asked her.  With the guy at the door, she’s like “I didn’t order anything.”  The guy looks at his phone and says her name, and verifies the apartment number.

I realized that Candy had probably already put down the cash on this, so it would be ridiculous to attempt to deny the order and send it back expecting a refund.  I told him that she just started a new medication and accepted the order.

Having been a delivery driver so many years into the past, you don’t want to be at the door with this kind of confusion going on, because it could be a much more sinister plot, and I know it would cause anxiety for him.  I made a snap decision based on the entirety of the situation, knowing that the food would end up getting tossed, and Candy would be pissed that the money wasn’t going to be refunded.

Candy had a moment of freaking out, where she was like “I don’t remember ordering that!”  She knew she had been playing around with that restaurant’s menu, but she swore up and down that she didn’t click “finish order”.  As a result, she took a credit card number off the site so she would be forced to endure the whole process of entering it before an order could possibly be made by mistake or subliminal “hangry” slip of the finger.

Candy had been waiting all day for the delivery of a device that would be used for breathing treatments.  For some reason, she put on make up early, and hours later, her eyes were burning with the eye liner she applied earlier.  She was impatient, hungry, and she really wanted to order a big selection of Mexican food.

I never understand how Candy wants to continue experimenting with Mexican food because she doesn’t really like cilantro very much.  Her taste palate is so very sensitive that she somehow picks up a “soapy” taste with that herb.  It is used very predominantly in Mexican food, so she is taking a calculated risk with each attempt to order it.

The restaurant that Candy was checking out was kind of expensive, almost unnecessarily so.  Japanese restaurants are not usually known for being very cheap, but the thought of Korean food makes me think that it should be more along the cost level of Chinese food.  Either way, Candy picked out some exotic things that she had never tried, but assumed she might like.

Going over the receipt online after consuming all of it, she would call out the cost of each item in amazement and disappointment for how little food there actually was.  Candy would express her regret by breaking down how she could have ordered food 3 different times for the cost of that 1 time, and it would have been an immense amount of food, if the type was a little less expensive!

Because of this expense, and because Candy had already mentally prepared herself to do a video eating Mexican food, she was ready to jump in there and consume the Korean and Japanese food for a video as if she had gotten exactly what she wanted, but she didn’t.

The food was really good, according to her, there was so little of it that I only had a teaspoon of broth that came with one of the dishes.  I was satisfied with that one taste because I could sample the flavor palate of that type of food for the first time in my life myself.  I’m not as driven to experience new and different foods as Candy is though, so I’m content with a can of tuna, some mayo, salt and pepper, a slice of cheese, and 2 pieces of toast smashed down into it so they soften up.

Without mentioning it repeatedly, all my teeth were removed in mid September of 2014, and the dentist fucked me over and tried to make a mold for dentures while I still had teeth.  It is March of 2015 and I am still fighting with insurance over those fucked up dentures.

That is only relevant in the fact that eating has changed so much for me in that time.  I can almost experience Candy’s wonder and satisfaction with new foods merely by filming her eating them.  Even more, watching the videos later in review and editing also seems to have the same effect.

I realize that mirror neurons are at work when people get off on porn, but I didn’t realize until I started creating feeder and feedee content that there also seems to be something at work in that arena as well.  By watching Candy eat these things, and enjoy them with such immense appreciation, I feel like I am enjoying them as well.  When she smiles big because she is about to tear into some huge feast that most people could not begin to eat, I can feel her excitement and anticipation as if I am her for that brief moment.

That’s probably crazy talk in and of itself, but after editing hundreds, or maybe thousands of videos, something has started to sink in over time.  I always thought I was destined to create “fat porn” the way I like it, the way I wish there was more of back when I was going through puberty and ordering VHS tapes in the mail with lawn cutting money.

Now, I have created thousands of hours of feeder content.  It wasn’t what I used to masturbate to, because I was always a fan of full on hardcore with visual penetration and hopefully a facial that the model doesn’t flinch or gag during. 🙂

I used to express frustration in the way that the very few SSBBWs participated in the creation of the content that I enjoyed watching for that purpose.  I wondered why they would veer off into more fetish areas like squashing, eating, and being dominatrix types.  I am surprised by my own vanilla tastes in porn considering how I am attracted to women who have a BMI that would be considered super morbidly obese.

I am not into immobile women either.  I had that whole experience with Alexis in Florida creating fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net.  She was already on oxygen when I met her, and now Candy needs breathing treatments.  It really frightens me that she allowed this to progress to such a level, when I would have been happy creating hardcore content.  The truth is, she could never get as excited about making hardcore or even fetish content as she would be making feeder content.

Being as adaptive as I am, I would have sensed this eagerness to produce something rather than nothing, and I ran with it.  I am a classic enabler for that reason.  At least I am an unwilling enabler, so Candy knows that I will not encourage behavior that I know will hurt her over time.  I’ve read a lot of zodiac stuff lately because of Twitter, and from what I’ve seen, Aquarius are very future oriented.

I had this conflict of interests going on, between what I like to see, and what Candy wanted to do.  Candy would win, because she is already my volunteer subject, and I am grateful for her to do anything in front of the camera I operate.  She is the only one who does appear in front of my camera, and I believe it is not out of circumstance, but by choice.

I have experimented with the idea of working with other people, or bringing in other people to work with Candy, but unfortunately, that whole experience usually came along with some kind of sexual contact with people other than her.  For years she was cool with this type of situation, but back in 2008 I sensed that she was growing weary of it, and I stopped attempting to recruit new models.

Now, I realize that I still have the ability to recruit, and if anything, it’s like riding a bicycle.  Once you have had that experience of identifying and talking to the right potential candidates, it is so much easier than most people could imagine.  If i walked into a bar with a professional looking video camera after midnight, I would probably get flashed by a few women who just didn’t give a fuck.  That doesn’t mean they would model while sober, but the intent is there, and sometimes, all it takes is the right person to pull it out of them.

Now i have gotten way off course, but I started out wanting to describe one event, and I was hopelessly compelled to jump into a much more vast sea of thought.  I realize that is one of my writing weaknesses, and something I have to work on.  When I start writing though, I don’t always know exactly what direction I am going to go in when I start.

Blogging is such a string of consciousness type of writing, I never even usually do much more editing than the first draft.  I’m sure it shows, but like an episode of Saturday Night Live, there might be %20 of really relevant and interesting info, and about %80 of me trying to figure out what is interesting to me.

I scroll back up to the title, almost intending to change it, but “unexpected korean food” is catchy, and I like it.  This whole stream of thought began there, and I had this whole route I wanted to take, describing this food in intimate detail, maybe using this page as a notepad for remembering the foreign names to all these dishes that I have never tasted, and still haven’t.

What a segue back to the point, huh? 🙂

Candy is able to enjoy a virtual trip around the world by just eating from each country that is widely available in the diverse food climate of Las Vegas.  There is just about every type of food here that you can imagine, almost all available to order, and all catering to a diverse climate of tourists from all over the world.  I saw someone say on the show “No Reservations” that people come half way around the world to gamble in Las Vegas, and when they get hungry, as far as they are from home, they want to have a taste of it while they are here.

Because there are people coming to Las Vegas from all over the world, you don’t just have “Chinese food”.  You have authentic Chinese dishes that you never would have heard of at your local Chinese buffet.  There are dishes from Japan, China, and Korea all in one place, and they are all prepared in such an authentic manner as to impress people who just ate those dishes in those respective countries.

In the case of the mysteriously ordered Korean and Japanese food, I want to run down some of the dishes that Candy was able to sample, because I have just realized after needing to take a break to help Candy out with some stuff, I am spending a tad too much time here.

buta no kakuni

buta no kakuni

Candy really enjoyed this, and she should have, because the small platter with 3 or 4 pieces of pork and a piece of radish was kind of pricey.  I tried a teaspoon of the broth, and it was awesome, but there was no way I would be sampling meat from such a small selection available!  The restaurant where Candy obtained this says that it is 5 hour braised pork belly.  Sounds delicious!

buta no kakuni

buta no kakuni

The wider shot shows nearly all the meat that was in this tray, along with a close up view of what Candy is assuming was a piece of daikon radish.  Everything smelled so great, and Candy was able to finish off everything on the evening it was ordered, so I can tell she really did like it.  More information on that dish could be found here.

http://norecipes.com/recipe/buta-no-kakuni-recipe/

char siu porkbelly with steamed bun

char siu porkbelly with steamed bun

The next dish was Char Siu pork belly with steamed bun and baby spinach leaves with cucumber.  Candy really liked this one too, although again, this was a relatively small portion for the cost.  I don’t try to be cheap when it comes to the food that Candy really wants to try, but she is the one who is disappointed to see what looks like less food than one Chinese lunch special in 5 dishes worth $60.

Not being totally sure exactly how to eat it, Candy makes little sandwiches with the steamed buns and the pork, along with the little veggies too.  That worked out pretty good for her, she was using a steamed bun to wipe up the pork belly sauce from the bottom of that tray.

Here is some more info on char siu pork belly preparation.  This is where I realized that this dish is Chinese and Cantonese and not actually Korean, even though the place Candy ordered from had a Korean theme with Chinese, Cantonese, and Japanese dishes available.

http://rasamalaysia.com/char-siu/

karaage chicken with kewpie mayo and mixed salts

karaage chicken with kewpie mayo and mixed salts

Karaage is the name of a Japanese cooking technique where meat is deep fried in oil, just like french fries.  One dish that Candy ordered was karaage chicken with Kewpie mayo and mixed salts.  The technique is similar to tempura but obviously the batter is different, just like American fried chicken.  Candy enjoyed this just as much as she would have fried chicken, but I’m sure that she wished there was more of it there!  These little trays were pretty small as it is, the mayo and mixed salts nearly took up as much room as all the chicken.  There may have been five or six pieces of chicken in there, and Candy loved it, but she can tell that the Japanese tendency to eat smaller portions doesn’t seem to work very well for her.  Of course.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karaage

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mayonnaise#Japan

Korean galbi bbq short ribs

Korean galbi bbq short ribs

When I review all of the dishes, it appears that one was Japanese, another was Cantonese, and finally I get to a Korean dish.  I was totally misusing the hash tag Korean Food Pics on Twitter, my bad.  The small selection of galbi bbq short ribs was highly satisfying to Candy, but again, the portion size was a serious issue for her.  For the cost of this dish, she could have had me pick up an entire side of ribs and slap them in the oven, but again, this was more than just an eating experience, it was a cultural experience.  I had the opportunity to learn about this food just like she had the opportunity to eat it.

The ribs were cut thin, and served with white rice.  Candy didn’t need to use any of the mixed salts, Japanese mayo, or hot mustard on these.  They were quite tasty, and I noticed that she seemed to enjoy them to the degree that I had to stop everything and get more of a close up on her face as she ripped the meat from the bones with her teeth, eating with her cute fat little sausage fingers.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galbi

wagyu beef, pork belly, and beef tongue kushi

wagyu beef, pork belly, and beef tongue kushi

The next and final plate was a 3 way of kushi.  I looked that up, and it’s a Japanese technique for cooking on skewers.  In the case of these 3 samples of kushi, they were all prepared over binchotan charcoal and served with mixed salts as well in the little tubs.  This is another dish that is actually Japanese inspired, if the name kushi was given to the preparation.  Yet another item that I attached to Korean food photos on twitter mistakenly because Candy just said “Korean restaurant” without telling me it was an Asian variety restaurant with a Korean theme.

There was wagyu beef kushi, which Candy really liked, and when I research it, this name is also associated with kobe, which is another cut of meat that you are going to be paying a bit more for than you would for domestic beef.  That’s why each one of these little entrees was around $8.  Again, this was an accidental order, and at the time she did it, she says she wanted Mexican food.  She still wants Mexican food, so that will probably be her next trip on her food around the world tour.  She won’t stop there though, she already has plans to explore each region in South America in the process.

Back to the kushi though, there was also pork belly kushi, and you know she loved that.  The final one was beef tongue kushi.  Candy mentioned that the beef tongue was kind of unique, and while she ate the hell out of it, that’s something she might not be so eager to go for in the future.  Pork belly is always a safe bet, because it’s basically bacon, and you know Candy loves some bacon.  The wagyu beef seemed kind of wasted on her, because she would have been just as happy with much larger chunks of domestic beef on more than 3 little skewers.

When I ask Candy to recollect exactly what she thought of these, she said that the only one she really liked was the wagyu beef.  She said the tongue was interesting, but she would not get it again.  I may have said that but I took a break and don’t feel like reading back.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kushi_(skewer)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binch%C5%8Dtan

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wagyu

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pork_belly

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beef_tongue

ssbbw candy godiva and the japanese korean feast

ssbbw candy godiva and the Japanese Korean feast

It was a surprise when it showed up, but once it did, and Candy got over the shock of having accidentally ordered it, she consumed every single bite, even if some of these dishes were not her favorite ever.  This was an experience that was quite unique, because Candy often makes a plan for exactly what she wants to eat, and then goes about doing everything in her power to get it.  On this occasion, I wonder if her order was accidentally on purpose, because she was just curious about Korean food, and she did go to the effort of creating this exact order, even if she was playing fantasy football with food choices.

ssbbw candy godiva has an ice cream snack (peppermint)

ssbbw candy godiva has an ice cream snack (peppermint)

Candy was able to finish off that entire feast, although it was barely half of what one big Chinese lunch plate would include, or a crap load of burgers and fries, or so many chicken nuggets that Candy would never want to eat one again in her life.  That evening, after the last of the Japanese and Korean feast was finished, she still wanted something sweet.  Peppermint ice cream did the trick, while I waited on a data transfer to make more room on her C: drive.

This was a really fun experience, even if most of that day was spent doing work on other things while waiting on a delivery to show up, so that Candy could accidentally order food to show up even later, just before trying to cook something she thought she really wanted.  The day after this feast, Candy didn’t waste any time to whip up a BLT sandwhich along with a bowl of left over chili with beans over white rice.

Another blog post must come to an end, it seemed like it would never end, and I am the freaking one writing it! 🙂

 

big butts

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I caught this article about why men like big butts.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2979043/Why-Kim-Kardashian-s-booty-attractive-Men-prefer-women-curved-spines-suggests-better-FORAGING-food.html

What an oversimplification!  Although, I can imagine that if I was asked to point out my preference in the projection of the posterior, I would have answered 90 degrees instead of 45, but I am a super freak for big big butts.

In my case, big butts might happen to come with full, round, soft, sexy thighs.  I should just say “big thighs” but I know that is such a turn off to women that they pay big money to fix this “fault”.  I just love some big thighs.  Thighs that look too big for the rest of the body.  I don’t know how the curvature of the spine would come into play on that though.

I have always assumed that my preference for big thigh ssbbws was because of the enhanced appearance of femininity expressed by such a rounded and curvy silhouette.  I remember old television shows where a guy would create a violin shape with his hands to represent a woman who was “built like a brick shit house”.

I never thought of my preference as being all about “big butts”, but there seems to be a much greater likelihood of a woman having larger than average thighs if she also happens to possess a big round butt.  This is not always the case, I have seen my fair share of women who somehow have a large butt, and thighs smaller than mine.  I don’t want to offend women who happen to have skinny thighs, because I do not believe all men share my perception, but I somehow see skinny thighs and a small butt as masculine.

All of this is a matter of perception though, and just like the way some people saw a white and gold dress and some saw a black and blue one, I see masculinity and femininity expressed by shapes.  As long as I have researched why I might have been afflicted with such a sexual preference, I continue to be surprised at how most explanations go towards survival of the species and evolutionary preferences.

Ever since discovering the Venus of Willendorf statues, I have been enthralled with the possibility that my preference was born not just with me, but somewhere way back in the paleolithic era where those statues originated.  The earliest version of sculpture, and the first human representations are big fat women meant to be worn around the neck.

That is like the invention of art, sculpture, jewelry, and media preferred body types, and it took place over 10,000 years ago!  Long before the first television or magazine, there was something tangible that could be touched and worn that represented a preference for a big old fat woman!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_of_Willendorf

The existence of those statues seems to prove that somewhere throughout time in the paleolithic era, cavemen were carving these things out of stones as the very first sentiment of “I like big butts” was running through their heads.  I have to wonder if there is some kind of cellular memory in place within my very DNA that suggests I may have been related to one of those guys who carved these things.  I have let my hair grow to a point where I actually resemble a caveman now!

caveman obesiverse

caveman obesiverse

Those little statues seemed to have huge breasts, tiny forearms, but a big belly, big round butt, and some substantial thighs.  If you look around at a Wal Mart, you might notice that all big women are not built this way, and while I read somewhere that more women carry weight in the lower half, there are still a lot of top heavy women out there with huge breasts, big belly, tiny butt, narrow hips, and small thighs.

venus of willendorf

venus of willendorf

It seems like a lot is changing in the world of media right now, but as stories come out about the first plus sized woman to appear in a Sports Illustrated ad, or the first “super morbidly obese” woman to sign a major American modeling contract, I am reminded that the first super sized woman in media was created over 10,000 years ago.

These recent achievements are impressive, since for so many years, the media has been focused on a “thin is in” mentality.  In my humble opinion, all of that was done in order to create the billion dollar surgical, diet, and medical device industry.  It seems that the pendulum of time always swings back and forth, and I always thought in the back of my mind that one day, all this obsession with being thin and not being fat was going to eventually cause an equal and opposite effect.

The explosion of bbw content and ssbbw content in the adult areas of the internet is really fascinating to me, because my very first plus sized website specialized in ssbbw, before the bbw niche even existed itself.  Back in 1998 when I started fatfantasy.net with big big big alexis, I didn’t care that the only few other bbw sites out there showed much smaller women.  I never really thought about the possibility that my site could fail, because as much as I was into ssbbw, I knew I could not be the only one.  I wasn’t.

I was inspired by the appearance of a woman who acted under the name Teighlor.  I can’t say how much she weighed exactly, because as much as I am interested in numerology, the numbers side of the fat fetish don’t hold any interest to me at all.  I am more interested in what I can see and perceive, and Teighlor was an ultimate example of the “pear shape” or bottom heavy figure.

She had huge thighs that rolled up on themselves, and hips that extended way outside of her relatively small waist.  She had breasts that were probably large as DDD, but they were dwarfed by her massive arms and hips.  Even with that build, she had a really small belly for her size, although it would still appear huge on a woman under 200lbs.

ssbbw teighlor

ssbbw teighlor

Teighlor was a major influence to me, because way back when I was around 17 or so, I started shopping at adult book stores even though I wasn’t supposed to.  I was able to buy beer so easily that I never hesitated to go to those places before I was 18.  When i saw her, she was the largest woman I had ever seen in adult content.  She didn’t simply prance around showing off clothing like today’s typical ssbbw model, she actually did hardcore porn in several videos.  She appeared in one hardcore sex video with the Ron Jeremy too.

When I saw her in that content, I realize that there was a possibility that I could find another Teighlor.  Of course she would not be exactly like the one and only Teighlor, but there were similar representations out there.  Teighlor made me realize that I might actually find a woman to create exactly the kind of content that I wanted to see more of out there.  At the time, Teighlor really was the only woman that size who was doing the hardcore thing.

If you peek around at corporate porn sites, you still won’t see any women this big doing hardcore porn that is distributed in that way.  I use the word “corporate” because they are the “big sites” that built up with big investors who could advertise for models, and hire specialists to do each and every job.  I am only stuck in the amateur category because I do all the jobs myself and I refuse to invest much of anything into a business that I am amazed is successful at all.

There are plenty of ssbbws coming close to her size modeling now, but again, very few of them will go as far as she did.  I believe that influence, at that early age, contributed to the reason why I am compelled to go further than doing just eating videos or videos of ssbbw walking around in different outfits.  I was not aroused by that type of material myself, so it never occurred to me to limit my content to those boundaries.

Teighlor and Layla Lashell actually appeared in a movie called “The Dark Backward”, so they have a genuine movie credit to their names.  I believe that Teighlor was in a few, but I am getting to that, or not.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101660/

still from The Dark Backward

still from The Dark Backward

Teighlor’s credit in that movie is “Debra Perkins”, and I can’t find Layla Lashell in the credits, but I remember a reference to Layla Anthony in the past, and that doesn’t show either.  Layla does have her own IMDB actress page though, and it’s quite extensive.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0489538/

So, I am excited about Kelly Shibiri appearing on the cover of Penthouse, and the woman in that bikini ad in Sports Illustrated, and the big sexy woman with tattoos who actually got the big modeling firm to notice her as a serious fashion model for people who aren’t perfect, but still incredibly beautiful.

There is so much more media out there, but it looks like I really got off the subject there.  I started out talking about “big butts” and went into so many different areas.  I could have focused on that one aspect, and pointed out how the butt was relevant in every situation, but it’s probably obvious how a big butt is something all these things have in common.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/30/penthouse-forum-plus-size-model_n_5240266.html

Oh, since I brought up the penthouse thing, here is a link for you.  I was buzzed one night and started to email back and forth with Shibiri on Facebook to let her know how important I thought this accomplishment was.  I was too loaded, talked too much, and probably freaked her out. 🙂

All this is relevant because there is an obvious way in which society has been rejecting this inner impulse to visually appreciate the appearance of fat.  It seems like some kind of guilty pleasure, and a friend from a long time ago put it really good with this expression.  “Fat chicks are like mopeds.  Everybody wants to ride one, but nobody wants to be seen on one.”  A fat chick told me that!  I thought I had heard it all, but this was before the internet, and before I had an opportunity to do much more research about fat chicks than hang out in malls and supermarkets.

Back before the internet, it was quite a task to find a plus sized woman “out there”, much less a super sized one.  The super sized women must have existed, as they always have, since 10,000 years ago, but they were usually shuttered away somewhere, in a back room of a house where some family member is taking care of them.  They were “protected” and “isolated”.  There was no way for someone like me to find them, which is why I actually got certified as a nursing assistant, to work in nursing homes, where one might happen to reside.

I know, that is fucking diabolical.  i can’t believe I did that myself, but I still have the certification, it’s from 1996, before there was such a thing as a bbw dating site.  By the way, never use niche dating sites.  It is tempting to believe you could find a local fatty on one of those, but there is just no way.  There are way more than enough bbws out there to populate the nationally popular dating sites, so using those will give you the greatest odds of finding a real life local bbw, not some fake profile that was put there to make it look like there is even one freaking local WHERE YOU LIVE.

Anyway, fuck bbw dating sites, that’s out of the way.  I did go so far as getting a freaking nursing assistant certification, and spent nearly a whole tax return on that freaking course.  I also worked for free for 40 hours of “clinical” in a real “long term facility”.  That shit was some of the most traumatic, fucked up experience of my entire life.  It was a depression that I could feel, weighing me down, making it hard to breathe and even walk.

When I walked into the first patient’s room and got his back story, the instructor looked at me and asked me if I was ok, because I had turned more white than I already am, and was obviously in some kind of total daze.

The guy was a professor of something at a local college, and he had a heart attack and died, but was revived too late.  He just sat there looking like someone who had been lobotomized, holding on to this little teddy bear.  I almost lost my shit.  I did not understand what the meaning of the word “empath” was at that time, but I do now, and I can still almost feel what I felt while I was standing in that room 19 years ago.

I knew that I could stick out the 40 hours, even after that experience, but I also knew I never wanted to work in that kind of environment.  I did get to bathe a 70 something year old plumper with a nice set of breasts on her, but it was uncomfortable for me because I wasn’t old enough to develop the more deviant part of my sexuality just yet.

From that experience, I now understand why I have this fascination with older women’s breasts.  It seems like with some women, the breasts just stop aging somewhere around 40, so somehow, there are 40 year old breasts on a 70 year old woman.  I know, that is so freaking horrible, this is why I never allowed myself to work in a real nursing home after getting the certification.  I knew that I was not aroused the first time I washed an old lady’s breasts, but I shudder to think what could have happened if I had developed that little kink.  I know about “abuse of the infirm”, and how serious that shit is.

I would never push anyone to do anything against their will, but a part of me has thought deeply enough about what “could have happened” to imagine that even if an older lady was seriously enjoying anything I wanted to do with her, there are people who would assume that she was not in total control of what she was doing, and I was taking advantage of her.  Maybe that would not be the case nowadays, but back in the 90’s, you didn’t have all this “cougar” propaganda in the media.  A young guy doing much of anything with a 60 or 70 year old would just be looked upon in one way and one way only.

Wow, I went on quite a trip there!  It’s ironic that because i was certified as a nursing assistant, one of the cons that Alexis in Florida ran on me was that she knew a woman who might be institutionalized because she was super sized but had nobody to take care of her.  Alexis was such a total liar, and back in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I was incredibly fucking naive.

Alexis is the woman I started fatfantasy.net with.  When the internet finally did happen, and I was meeting my share of plus and super sized women in my late 20’s, I came across this woman who was the largest woman i had ever seen besides Teighlor.  She was no where nearly as facially charismatic as Teighlor was, but I was amazed and impressed with her huge body.

Now I understand why women say “I am not a fetish”.  I also got a very good lesson in the term “bagger”.  I was literally seeing Alexis as a fetish.  All I saw was her short stature, and her amazing neck down resemblance to Teighlor.  I made promises I could not keep with her, because as young and foolish as I was, I thought I could resist the temptation of going off on my own with any one of the more charismatic bbws that I was working with at the time.

alexis of fatfantasy.net

alexis of fatfantasy.net

When I think back to how all that went down, I can actually feel somewhat guilty now.  I was not prepared for the responsibility of taking care of Alexis and maintaining my younger desire to experience being with as many ssbbws out there who would let me, until someone would cast some kind of spell on me to stop it.  I think that is what Alexis thought when she encouraged me to marry her, which was not a very good decision on my part when I think back.

I was encouraging a delusion she had that I was the perfect devoted husband.  I really did not deserve to be in the position I was in at that time, because now that I am older, I take responsibility for conning her in the same way she constantly lied to me.

I had a vision of what could happen if me and her partnered up for this ssbbw project.  When I look back, I did a lot of stuff wrong in the technical department just like I did in the relationship department.  Alexis was a supreme pathological liar, but now that I am more mature, I can think back to the ways I pushed her to lie so hard to me.

I started out making big promises that I should have known better than to ever make.  I knew that I was not totally attracted to her, but more amazed with her substantially huge body.  Looking at her in some of the old photos, I think that I was really harsh on her at the time.  I was just so young and dumb though.  How could she have ever thought I was able to be totally sincere as I watched all these bbws and ssbbws walk around wearing next to nothing, or sometimes just nothing?

I was lucky to get to photograph everyone that I photographed.  I think back to some of the photos that I created, and how I will still occasionally see one of my own photos grouped together with the oldest examples of super massive models out there.  I knew I was on to something with Alexis, but now I realize that I should have kept it strictly business, and not tried to incorporate a relationship into our partnership.

With Candy, it’s different.  I am attracted to her in a way that I am attracted to nobody else.  From the very first time I saw her, I felt something within me change ever so slightly.  It did not cause any kind of instant maturity or reaction, but after meeting her, I could not let her go.  If there was a possibility that I could have her, I had to have her, and that’s the kind of attraction I never had for Alexis.

Back in February of 2008, I told Candy that I was tired of working with other people, and I was ready to go monogamous.  It was less than a year later she would leave for the first time.  I have repeated that over and over in the course of this blog, but it is relevant, because in the end, I was the one who left Alexis and fatfantasy.net behind forever.

When Candy left me both times, I was left on my own for 4 months and then another 8 months to consider everything that was wrong with me, and how wrong I was to so many people in my past who would have stuck by me no matter what a dick or alcoholic or whatever I was.  The minute I find someone that I want to give my heart to exclusively, I lose her, and a part of me felt like I deserved it.

me and alexis so long ago

me and alexis so long ago

When I look at this photo of me with her, I realize that she wasn’t that bad.  The last time Candy was gone I would have felt fortunate to meet a woman with even less charisma.  Actually, when Candy was gone last time, I did get with at least one woman who was not as impressive as Alexis was at her worst. I was depressed, drunk, and missing Candy though, so I felt lucky to get that at the time.

I’m really glad that I set out to write this.  I know that I ended up going way out into left field by talking about Alexis and fatfantasy.net, but honestly, Alexis was the very first example of a really ginormous butt on the level of Teighlor that I ever experienced being with.  Years later, i would meet just a few more women who came close to the size and shape that Teighlor had, but after my experience with Alexis, I knew that it would take more than a “big butt” to make me fall in love.

When I left Florida, I left fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net after experiencing “online success” for the very first time.  I think it made quite an impression, because I would go on to create 3 more member websites, all related to bbw, and all created with some kind of need to avenge myself in the loss of all the content I created years ago.

I had a set of 21 cd’s with all the photos that I took with the digital camera while in Florida.  I kept those things for years, until one year, I got this weird depression and decided to cut them all up.  Before doing it, I saved one cd worth of images that I carefully selected from all the cd’s, and then I destroyed everything else.  I had been tortured by the fact that I had all this content that I created and could not use it for so many years.  I will always feel kind of weird about it, and a sense of loss after doing it, but within a month of destroying all those cd’s, I heard that Alexis had passed away.

I went looking around for the folder that contains those images, because I happened to save all the images that I took of Alexis.  I didn’t find them just yet, but they are backed up somewhere, likely on multiple dvd’s and also on a hard drive that is not in use right now.  If I were able to choose the right photo of Alexis, and locate the right photo of Teighlor, and put them one after another, it would be easy to see why I got so freaked out that I let myself freaking get married to this woman after knowing her less than a year.

The vision I had in my head of the potential for the success I could create clouded my judgement about how to actually exist in that situation in harmony with Alexis and with myself.  I was just way too immature at that time, and I never imagined that I could ever create something that would start churning out as much as a thousand a month just by photographing someone and posting the photos on a website.

I’m sure that at the time, the smaller bbws who were getting into this would look at us like we were some kind of circus freaks, because even now, Candy is hesitant to go to anything “bbw related” because she knows how she will be perceived by some of the smaller bbws.  She herself used to perceive someone who is her size now as being weak and unhealthy.  Now she can’t help but project that assumption on to others, and it doesn’t help when many of them are not very social to her.  That might have more to do with me and my bad behavior in the past, or the fact that Candy will admit to me sometimes that she “really doesn’t like people very much”.

Ok, this was about big butts, not the prejudice that bbws seem to have for ssbbws.  That is a real thing though, I am not making it up.  That’s probably why I used to get so pissed when bbw bashes would advertising while using the words “size acceptance”, because I know deep down that it’s bullshit.

SSBBW Candy Godiva has a big butt

SSBBW Candy Godiva has a big butt

Now THAT is a BIG BUTT!  Candy’s got one.  She was also blessed with those big thighs I am so attracted to, or I see as being “ultra feminine” in appearance.  I can’t help it if skinny thighs look masculine to me.  At this point, I see a woman as more than just body parts, but in order for my penis to operate at full effectiveness, I also tend to prefer certain things over others.

So, I am not with Candy because she has big thighs, and I push all kinds of negative shit about her out of my mind.  Candy just happens to have this wonderfully compatible, sexy personality with mine, and she “just happens” to have big thighs too.  It is actually possible to “have it all”.

Ok, Candy woke up from a nap, and I’m over 4000 words, so I should pick some tags and get the hell out of here!  I hope this is helping my writing get better, even if I do tend to skip from subject to subject with the tiniest hair of a connection between them! 🙂

I almost forgot, while talking about Layla Lashell, that she appeared in “album art” way back before a newer younger ssbbw started appearing in music videos.

layla lashell in album art for tool undertow

layla lashell in album art for tool undertow

To quote the wiki page for the Tool Undertow album, “The album art was designed by Adam Jones.[6] Photos in the liner notes of a nude obese woman, a nude man of normal weight, and the band members with pins in the sides of their heads generated controversy, resulting in the album being removed from stores such as Kmart and Wal-Mart.”

Great job Layla, you got Tool kicked out of Wal-Mart!!! 🙂  SSBBWs, always causing trouble! 🙂 I’ve had 8 different youtube channels deleted because they say Candy’s belly is “obscene” even when there is NO NUDITY.

I just came back to add something that may actually be relevant to the preference for big butt ssbbws.  I am near sighted.  That means that my vision can get a little blurry past a few feet in front of me.  I was not diagnosed as a child up until I was nearly 12 or so.  It is hard for me to pick the exact age, because I don’t seem to have the ability to remember exact years.

In either case, I have a theory that at that early age, while my sexuality was first forming, there was some need to have additional cues to insure that I was looking at a woman versus a male.  If things got fuzzy past a certain point, it stands to reason that maybe, I needed the visual cues of femininity to be spectacular and unmistakable.

In this age of transgender acceptance, I realize why I may have had some objection to being totally accepting of people who switch gender.  There is a possibility that my entire preference was born at an age where my vision encouraged me to pursue women based on factors of unmistakable femininity.

I had my first revelation of being attracted to ssbbws at the age of 16, when a guy on the school bus mentioned seeing the biggest girl in my school getting dressed through her window.  He was being offensive and insulting about it, but as I pictured it in my mind, I started to get a massive erection.

Of course, she had the wide hips, big, big butt, and sexy big thighs that I am still obsessed with to this day.  I attempted to go out with her, and I was not secretive about it in the least.  She was kind of freaked out by my attention and she stopped seeing me.

The rejection wasn’t such a big deal, but I realized that there was basically “nobody left” in my entire high school that I would be really attracted to once I realized I was attracted to her and she dumped me.  She was the biggest one, where would I go from there?

When I was 17 I looked old enough to buy beer, and the drinking age had not been jacked up to 21.  I started hanging out at bars, and eventually, I came across another woman with a similar shape, who was quite a bit smaller.  She was in her early 20’s, so she was an “older woman” in addition to being just “big enough” to capture my attention in a bar that may have held about 40 to 50 people at the time.

That woman would end up being my first ex wife.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but there was “something missing”.  I thought I was totally content with a bbw just under 300lbs who had the shape I am so attracted to.  It turned out, my lack of sexual experience would catch up with me, and not long after getting married, I had a little bit of an experimental fling with a top heavy woman.

I had to get out of that first marriage because I knew that there was something out there that I was meant to discover, to do, or to create.  I probably could have created content with my first ex wife if the internet existed at that time, but the problem is in the way I don’t think I would have become a computer tech if I had stayed married to her.  If I hadn’t become a computer tech, I probably would not have had the confidence to become a webmaster later.

Now I have told a story within a story, long after I was going to stop this post!  I wanted to express the possibility that my vision issue at an early age caused me to distinguish males from females by examining the whole body from head to toe, instead of relying on typical cues of femininity.

Even years after vision was corrected, there must have still been some lingering need to distinguish male from female by body type, because the instant I pictured that girl’s huge butt swinging back and forth nude as she walked, I would forever be afflicted with a serious attraction to a really large butt.

I have said it over and over, that smaller thighs appear masculine in my perception, but for some reason, it never hit me until now that being near sighted at an early age and not having it corrected until later might have had a not so subtle effect on my sexual preference for a super size bbw.

 

 

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