Posts tagged photographer

another wave

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Time is funny.  One can remember some events with such clarity, and yet, other events that might be more recent seem cloudy and distant.  One can remember something from childhood as they reach middle age, yet most people can’t remember the dream they had the night before.

For some reason, negative events seem to imprint themselves into memory so much deeper than the positive ones, with a few exceptions here and there.  I can remember the feeling of achievement when I passed the A+ computer tech certification test without having paid for any training or preparation classes.  That memory is not as strong as the one of me driving back to Louisiana while leaving Alexis in Florida, and leaving behind my first successful bbw porn website at the same time.

I can remember some of the songs that played on the radio, like Duran Duran “Girls On Film”.  I thought it was really ironic that I would catch that song from the very beginning as I flipped through an otherwise blank radio band in the middle of bum fuck nowhere Florida.  I can remember that the weather was nice, and while it wasn’t too hot, I had to restrict my speed to under 55 miles per hour because the radiator in my 1985 Toyota pick up truck was partially clogged, and I had to leave Florida too urgently to replace it first.

I can only partially remember driving to Florida in that same truck, pulling a U-Haul trailer nearly full of junk to a house that was owned by the woman who would later install the fear of death into me with her lies and schemes.  I can remember taking the plane to Orlando to meet her for the first time better than I remember driving myself there with all my stuff to “move in”.

I was such a fool to move in with that woman to begin with.  I laugh and laugh when I hear about people living across the country from each other, meeting up a few times, then moving in with each other.  I’m sure it might work occasionally, but I am now under the impression that you don’t really know someone until you have lived with them over a freaking year.

If you happened to move hundreds or even thousands of miles from your former home when you move in with someone, you are kind of trapped, unless you hold on to just enough cash to get your ass back home for the first whole year.  I was dumb enough to get talked into marrying that woman within the first fucking year.

There is no way that I should have gotten married to her, but when she suggested it, I thought it would give me more security in ownership of the company I created if I was married to my partner.  That was such a bad idea, because I was so fucking stupid I did not realize the company was really in her name, and so was the website that I poured so much of myself into.

When I got married to her I was entitled to “half”, but only if I was willing to stick around and fight her for it.  By the time I was ready to leave Florida, I had no fight left in me.  Alexis had me thrown in jail twice on made up bullshit.  I was never arrested in my life before going to Florida, and now, at age 46, I have never been arrested since either.  I’m lucky that I fought the charges instead of taking a plea deal, because I don’t have any record of any convictions, and I wasn’t forced to stay in Florida for months longer taking “court mandated anger management courses”.

I wasn’t going to fight her for that website or business, and I wasn’t going to stick around Florida one second longer than necessary once the charges were dropped against me.  The very day of my final court date, when I was told I was free and clear of all that bullshit, I stopped by and said goodbye to one female friend that was special to me, I stopped by the bank where my business account was to empty that out, and I got on Interstate headed for “home”.

I didn’t even have a U-Haul trailer just yet, I made my first visit back home with my cash and the clothes on my back, leaving an apartment with a third of my stuff in place.  Once I established residency back in Louisiana, I drove the 700 plus miles each way a second time to pick up the little bit of crap I could sneak out of her house without her knowing.

I was pretty bold back then, to even try to sneak my shit out of her house when I was waiting on a court date where she agreed to drop any charges that she had made up to begin with.  Alexis not only lied to get me arrested, but she also lured me back to her house, to call the cops again, to have them catch me there and lock me up for violating a restraining order.

The first arrest was traumatic enough, but when she tricked me into coming over there just to get me arrested again, she just helped me to make up my mind to leave her and that business far behind as quickly as possible.  The second arrest was so much worse, because I was already violating a ‘bond condition’, so I had to hire a second lawyer to get me out the second time, after having to stay in there for five days.  The first arrest, I was in lock up overnight.  The second arrest, I was in general population for almost a week.

The first lawyer was just for the divorce, and he tried to tell me that he could get me out of jail, but by the third day I was on the phone with another lawyer,  paying $3000 on a credit card that I would never pay back.  It’s wild, I never declared bankruptcy, but because I left the state of Florida and never allowed any credit agency to know where I was for seven years, nearly $20,000 was dropped right off the credit report.  No bankruptcy lawyer needed, or wanted.  I had enough with lawyers, and now I realize after all that stuff why people make such cruel jokes about them.

“What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea?  A good start.”

I know that I got away without having to pay that credit off, which is good for me, but at the same time, Alexis was able to continue to collect any profit from the business I created for years after I left.  It is a good thing she was so fucking ignorant and lazy about how to go about doing that, because her websites all started to go downhill once I left.  People actually noticed, I still get occasional notes to this day.

The websites are still there.  Someone purchased or was given the business “Bigger And Better Inc” and they continue to keep fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net going to this day.  I have lifted a few photos from there to show proof that it was me right there next to Alexis when that business was at it’s height.

I spent a whole year after I came back to Louisiana just getting my shit together.  I had to get a job, I eventually had to replace the truck, and I had to find a place to live that didn’t do a credit check so that they would not find me to try to get a judgement, and so the apartment considering me would not see that I had just broken a lease in Florida to get the fuck out of there.  I was only in that apartment for a few weeks, and left it cleaner than I found it, but they were entitled to make me buy myself out of the lease because I did sign one.

So, $20,000 in credit card debt, and a $4000 penalty for not finishing a lease.  I got off cheap.  A few years later, I would fuck up and skip filing income taxes for 2 years, so I did pay an extra $2000 for fucking up like that.  I was still lucky in that case, because after spending years paying that off, I made a call and requested “penalty abatement” and I actually got out of paying the last $1000.  Again, no scumbag fucking lawyer required for me to reduce my tax liability.

It would probably take them quite a while to get around to auditing me, because I was so fucking honest with them to take on that kind of penalty, pay it off, and keep taxes paid up every year since.  I even keep receipts that could be legit business expenses but I don’t claim them, so if I am ever audited, I may actually be found to be wrong *IN MY FAVOR*.  I’m sure they don’t get that too often!

It took me a whole year to run into a woman who happened to work with phone sex.  She also had a website going, but she was buying skinny content and creating a website to resell it.  She was probably doing ok back then with that, because there weren’t tens of thousands of porn sites in existence just yet.  This was 2001.

More importantly, there still weren’t very many BBW specific porn sites, and virtually no porn sites that specialized in SSBBW.  When I first met Dia, she had never modeled, even though she had an eloquent feminine figure that happened to include FF cup breasts.

Dia was already in the adult mindset, she just never realized how powerful her body type was, until she met me.  She hadn’t done much research on the BBW niche’, even though she had been working in phone sex for years already before I even met her.  While I was getting myself into all kinds of shit in Florida, she was sitting back making cash just talking dirty on the phone.

I would have thought right then and there that I had met my future forever partner.  There was an issue though.  Me.  The experience I had been put through with Alexis, at that age, with that much loss, created a PTSD like syndrome where I became obsessed with getting credit for my work in Florida, and better, creating something all new that was all mine.

With Dia’s help, I got some pointers on design, and I was able to create a much more attractive site than fatfantasy.net ever was.  I also pulled out 21 cd’s full of images from Florida and went to work using those to build my all new site, hotbbws.com.

Within just a few months, the checks started coming.  My work had only been seen on one site before, so it wasn’t long before my photos started to get attention and make money.  My site was prettier than her’s, even though looking at it now, it is not nearly as fancy as the current corporate assortment of bbw and ssbbw related porn sites.

I like to say that the prettier the site, the less content there probably is.  I think that is a really correct assumption when I see the high quality design capability of some webmasters combined with models that quit after a few months, or are way too lazy to create new content on a regular basis!

I was so driven, but it was by revenge.  I wanted revenge on Alexis, but not in the typical way that some people go crazy and destroy shit or hurt people.  I saw a slogan on a daytime talk show before I ever left Florida where someone said “The best revenge is doing better.”

I could have taken my own advice back when Candy left both times, because I acted a damn fool online, and seemed to get off on making hurtful comments just to disturb people.  It took me months after Candy left to attempt to get revenge by “doing better”, and by that time, I had already done too much damage to ever fully recover socially online.

I was crazy motivated to find new models in addition to using all this content I had.  I was lucky to have photographed releases, ID’s, as well as about 2 dozen plus different bbws and ssbbws.  I didn’t have any of the video, even though I was in almost all of them, and there were at least 2 dozen hardcore videos too.  That was back in the days of VHS, before the internet had a prayer of ‘streaming’ a whole porn, television show, or movie.

That was back in the days of DSL and T1 lines.  Alexis had invested in a T1, but once cable internet came out, that shit was totally obsolete.  I bet that fucking woman kept paying hundreds a month for years on that shit, because the websites were hosted in a fucking garage.

Once I moved back to Louisiana, cable internet was available, and pretty cheap, and I was able to take full advantage of it.  It was not long though, before Alexis saw what I was doing, got jealous, and went fucking crazy to knock my shit down.  She harassed my hosting company, my internet billing company, and got me shut down by just being fucking annoying.  These days I know it is not quite as easy to get someone closed down without a fight, because the companies that exist today are much more stable than the ones back then.

For example, my host was shitty, and over priced.  My billing company was fucking GLOBILL.  If you do any research on them, they fucking ripped off hundreds of people for thousands of dollars when the last fucking check they mailed out bounced, and people who had thousands of dollars coming in a month were FUCKED.  To my knowledge, Globill never fully paid back any of the poor fucks they stole that money from.  I hope those fuckers still have problems because of that shit.

It wasn’t long before IBILL went down next, and that was the company Alexis used.  I was lucky to have been so fucking pissed at Alexis I would choose CCBILL before ever going to IBILL, JUST BECAUSE ALEXIS FUCKING USED THEM.

All this time a lot of other shit went down though.  After Alexis got hotbbws.com version one shut the fuck down, I had to switch over to using all my own content, which luckily, I had been working on for a fucking year by then.  Unluckily for Dia and me, my obsession to get new content pissed her off.  She was too jealous at that time to understand my absolute need to find other models and pick up where I left off in Florida.

There was a point one day when I had made plans to photograph someone, and Dia was ok with it at first, but of course, we got into an argument right before I was supposed to leave.  I was still so fucked up from Florida.  I was doing all of this shit just to get back at Alexis, and prove that all that fucking work was mine.  I didn’t even care about the fucking money, I just wanted credit for all that fucking work!

Little did I know at the time, if I could have afforded a lawyer, I could have shown that because I was the photographer, I had rights to use that work, and I could have further sued her for damages in getting me shut down.  Either way, I fucking hated lawyers, and I didn’t want to fight her.  In fact, soon after I got to Louisiana, I cut off all contact with her so that I could not be accused of harassment back in the days before “stalking” existed.

The argument with Dia was heated, and she was so pissed at one point that she said something that I could never forget, and could not accept at the time after Florida.  She said “Do you know how easy it would be to kill you in your sleep?”

Now, if it was me in the present, I would give her suggestions on exactly how to go about doing that without it hurting me or fucking up and leaving me alive and fucked up.  I have that kind of sense of humor, and now I am old enough to welcome death as long as it’s not too painful and I don’t have too much time to suffer.

Back then, I was still traumatized from Alexis.  That bitch had me thinking at one point that people wanted to blow up her house, people were following me, she had mafia affiliations, people were being kidnapped and tortured for information, and we were in debt to an organization that was providing protection.

All that was such stupid bullshit, and I was such a fucking dumb fuck to believe it for a second.  I let that foolishness go on for about 3 weeks, and one night, I got fed up.  Alexis sent me to what was supposed to be a 24 hour post office, and she gave me fucked up directions, and I was in the middle of nowhere.  I hate wild fucking goose chases!  I pulled up to a payphone, and at the risk of being shot in the head right then and there, I made one phone call.  I called her bluff by risking my very life.

That’s what I mean when I say that Alexis put the fear of death in to me while there.  It was only 3 weeks, and I was the one to blame for believing such an outrageous set of lies.  I still have the micro cassettes that I used to bug her phone after she pulled that shit, just to see what other fucking shit she would come up with.

I let my mother listen to those tapes before she died, and she was on “team Thomas” after that.  She sat back and listened to Alexis talk to another woman about how she knew an ex cop and could have me “taken care of”.  That, and a few other statements, provided more than enough encouragement for me to get the fuck out of there.  When confronted, Alexis would claim that she knew I had the phone bugged and she said that shit to bait me.

She was a liar, but she was too fucking stupid to get over on me once I busted her compulsive, pathological liar ass.  I know that shit was for real, because there was another conversation with her son in law, who was a cop, about how a “pattern of arrest” could show a pattern of domestic abuse, and enable her to forcefully push me out of the home, the marriage, and the business.  She didn’t need to do all that shit.  All she had to do was ask me to fucking leave.

On another conversation, she talked to someone else about how she had everything “set up” to take over, but she needed my help, and she needed my work ability.  I once told Alexis when I knew shit was going downhill that when I finally had enough and left, it would take five different people to do “my job”.  To this day, I still believe that to be absolutely true, because i have listed off the many jobs I have to do in another post somewhere I don’t want to stop to dig up.

Before I finally left, before the last court date that would free me forever from her, I had a conversation with her about how I am “out of control” and maybe I should just go back home and leave everything to her.  She started crying, begging, pleading for me to stay because she “needed my help”.

I told her that I had a few conversations with her friends that revealed some wild shit.  That was the cover I used to avoid telling her that I was still bugging the fucking phone.  It was a lot easier to bug a land line phone than it would be to bug a cell, but I imagine even that is not impossible, or very difficult.  The fact that I was even compelled to go to a “spy store” in 2000 and buy a voice activated micro cassette recorder and a microphone cable that plugged into a phone jack with a double phone jack plug let me know that shit was out of control already and I had to get out.  I was just looking for a reason by the time I was waiting months for my second court date after spending five fucking days in jail and blowing $3000 to get my ass out.

I have to wonder how long it took for Debbie to call Alexis when I stopped by her work to tell her I was on my way “home”.  I was really telling both “Little Debbie” and “Big Debbie” at the same time because they worked together.  They had both modeled, and I had been filmed having sex with both of them.  Alexis would be the only one to see that money after I left, except for the $3000 that I pulled out of the business account and kept in my sock on the drive home.

Back to Dia though for a moment.  When Dia told me just how easy I could be murdered, potentially by her, while I was sleeping, it was too much at that time for me to accept.  I still regret bringing her to that state of anger myself.  The real irony is in the fact that the woman I went to see could not even take photos because her relatives here staying in a trailer near by, or some bullshit.  That fucking bitch made me drive nearly an hour each way to tell me that shit instead of letting me cancel online.  She caused me to literally kick Dia out of my apartment for saying what she said because she was rightfully angry and upset at me.

I didn’t just put Dia out on the street.  I was still friends with my second ex wife Stori at the time.  Stori appears on hotbbws.com too, but only in the member’s area, because she wanted to be “discreet”.  I was way too agreeable as a fucking pornographer back then!  I would tell Dia that I would stay with Stori, and she could take as long as she needed to get her shit together and get the fuck out.  I still can’t fucking believe I did that to her.

Because I was so driven at the time to replace my work lost in Florida, and then lost a second time at hotbbws.com, I had to do it.  I don’t think I could do that to her now if I was in that situation all over again.  I still feel badly about it, and I resent Alexis more because of how badly she fucked me up over there.  I really should have gotten counseling for that shit, and so much other shit to follow!

Dia took about a week to two weeks to prepare, and I took her to the bus station, and she went “somewhere”.  I don’t even remember now, because she is not where she went at this time.  I still talk to her online, and have talked to her by phone, and I have apologized profusely for doing that to her back then.  I just could not handle it.  I was so fucked up.  She had a quick temper, and odds are, I would have pulled some shit sooner or later that would have caused us to break up.  I still think she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the pleasure and privilege of photographing.

Dia at hotbbws.com

Dia at hotbbws.com

I am fortunate that she is so gracious and forgiving, so that I can still count her among my friends, even if she is so very far away like all of the closest ones, except for Candy.  I still maintain bbwdungeon.com as an ad for her phone sex, which she still freaking does.  Exoticbbw.com was originally her’s, and she gave it to me when she decided she wanted to stick with phone sex over websites.

Bbwdungeon.com was once a member site, but I could not sustain the costs of hosting it back when I had really shitty hosting.  Thankfully the hosting issue is resolved, so I can finally add shitloads of stuff to all the sites.  The problem with me lately is the block I have in working with hotbbws.com or lots2luv.com.  The reasons for that block are partially explained somewhere else I’m sure, and explaining it again here would drag me way off course, more than I already am.

I hit over 4k in words so far, and now I think I have gotten myself kind of lost.  I realize that I had to come back to Dia, after going way off course with Alexis, and then Stori, and of course Candy.  There is something I realize is vitally important to go with all of this, and I still haven’t figured out the title of this post just yet, but my stream of consciousness writing always seems to come full circle, eventually.

Because Dia was so fucking hot and my paranoid ass dropped her, I had to find more models.  I was working full time as a computer tech with the small shop I worked at before going to Florida, before upgrading from that job to a tech job in New Orleans that I hated having to drive to, park for, and hated them for giving me shit when I failed a drug test 3 months into working for them, as they casually said they “forgot” to do it pre-employment.

That is a whole other fucking story right there, because the fact that they pulled that shit encouraged me to move to Florida and start fatfantasy.net instead of having to suck a boss’s dick every day.  They couldn’t just fire me because they failed to give me the drug test before hiring me and paying me for 3 fucking months.  They just wanted to give me a shitty assignment in http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalmette,_Louisiana, which I wasn’t fucking having.

It’s bad enough that these assholes made me come to work the day that hurricane “George” hit in 1998, and left me stranded in a Bourbon Street bar watching television until the water went down so I could see if my fucking truck got flooded while parked under interstate.  Luckily, the truck was ok, the shoes weren’t.

Anyway, anybody who has heard about hurricane Katrina knows what happened to Chalmette.  If the drive to New Orleans every fucking day and evening wasn’t bad enough, they wanted me to go another half hour to fucking shitty Chalmette.  I would be a computer tech in an oil refinery having to wear a fucking biosuit.

That is an important fact to keep in mind, because that fucking computer company influenced me to move to Florida to begin with, and start my life of being a fat fetish ‘pornographer’ forever.

Also, on a side note, those alleged ‘flushes’ to help you pass a drug test DON’T FUCKING WORK.  DON’T FUCKING TRY IT.  USE SAFE PISS.  I was asked by a co-worker when word got around that I failed the drug test “Why didn’t you bring in someone else’s piss like everybody else does?”  Too honest for my own fucking good.

I didn’t fuck up like that when I got a job at CompUSA.  I was so lucky to have a friend that didn’t smoke weed!

Back to the point.  Because I had to dump Dia because I was a paranoid little bitch, I had to find other models.  I did just that.  Over the course of the next year I would end up luring at least a half dozen bbws and ssbbws to taking photos.  I had to weed through the ones who didn’t want to sign a release and just have sex.  I had to avoid the ones who just wanted “personal pics”.  I had to focus on finding the ones who would let me copy their ID, and sign a fucking model release, and not bitch months later for me to remove them because they are a dumb ass who told the wrong person and they told the really wrong person.

I stumbled upon Candy around that time.  Candy would be the death of me and my ambition to find as many models as I could, eventually.  We met in early 2002, we were living together by the end of 2002, and we stayed in an open relationship “with conditions” until feb of 2008.  I was able to “hook up” with a woman if she was willing to give up the ID and sign a release and be on my websites.  That was the only condition.

That meant certain types of women who would inevitably contact me were off limits.  A good example of that is “teachers”.  I can’t tell you how many times I got an email from a teacher who said “I used to model but I started teaching and…” and i quit fucking reading.   Sorry.  Not really.  Next.

Now, I sit back and watch wave after wave of new models coming into the picture, doing some work, quitting, then appearing in stolen images used to promote dating sites.  Every time I see a brand new bbw or ssbbw model doing this or that, I sit back and wait until she quits, or has weight loss surgery, or both.

No matter who just started, or who just quit, there is always another wave of new models coming in and going out.  Some of the ones going out like to stick around in the periphery of porn, by running group parties or annual conventions.  They are still relevant to the bbw scene, but they still quit.

It is so ironic, that I had to reject and dump so many women over the course of my life to find, lose, and recover Candy.  Once I met Candy, I was doomed.  I must have fallen in love with her instantly, because I tried to “return her” back to where I found her, but after a few months, she always re-appeared.

Even when she left for 4 months and then for 8 months, I remained obsessed, because there could never be another woman who had the effect on me she did instantly, and further, I had never met another woman who cared enough about my own agenda to let me have it without greedy or jealous emotional restraint.

Once I was ready to give up all other women, I realized internally that I was giving up my old technique in finding new models too.  In a way, I kind of “quit” myself, but I didn’t, because I still have her.  As many times as I have lost her, i knew, that even if I came across a woman who was similar, there was no way to build up that kind of history with someone else.  At 46 years old, I don’t think I have time to go through all of that over again and still be young enough to physically do the shit by the time I did.

I did meet one woman while Candy was gone, that I already went into great detail about.  She is the unnamed ssbbw that I showed in the last post.  I realized as I re-read the previous post that I said I never used a single photo of her in the 4 years that I had them.  By posting her here, I just did.

By bringing up hotbbws.com and lots2luv.com I am kicking myself for not working on them more already.  I don’t care about the money, I care about the unused content that sits on DV tapes in a back room closet.  I have a computer that I set up with a firewire card just because of that camera and those tapes.  I have hours of tapes of the unnamed ssbbw and I will be glad if 4 years in time travel didn’t fuck those tapes up.

Dia at hotbbws.com

Dia at hotbbws.com

I had to add another photo, the last one was after sex, so I’m sure it was not as flattering as this one.  This photo was shot in an apartment in Metairie, Louisiana.  If I had not moved to Las Vegas the last time when I did, I would have been holding Candy’s hand walking out of this apartment in 4 feet of water during hurricane Katrina.

Fate is a funny thing.  Showing Dia at that apartment reminds me that I lived in Vegas before, and I was fucking lucky to have packed everything in that shitty car and have the exhaust scrape the interstate on nearly every big bump because of how all that shit and Candy’s huge ass was weighing that crappy car down.  The transmission didn’t last too long after that 2 way trip 2000 miles each way.

The only woman I met when Candy was gone that impressed me nearly as much as her was married and living with her husband and kid.  I am still shocked  that she did the ID and release, and I really should have added her sooner.  Maybe I was worried that with her living situation she might come back on me to remove her.  Now 4 years has passed, maybe she forgot about it altogether. 🙂

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

Now I have used 2 images of this unnamed SSBBW.  There is hope I can overcome the block I mentioned before with the 2 inactive sites.  This woman is far too impressive to sit on my drive forever.

Just like I said before, no matter how many new models start, or older ones quit, there is always another wave, even if they took photos over 4 years ago! 🙂

 

 

 

ssbbw candy godiva is stuffed

agendas

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you know, i kind of like this style of not capitalizing, but that was one way when people could tell when i was intoxicated.  at this point, i am getting a thrill out of writing more while not intoxicated, so without that little hint, it should still be obvious if i am drunk or not, or if i might be just a tiny bit high.

i re-read the prior post, and i could go back and clean it up a bit, but i want to leave it, because i did announce that i was somewhat intoxicated, although not nearly to the degree that i have been in the past during my worst online behavior ever.

there has been some talk about an ebook that came out recently, written by a friend of candy’s, and this work was not very appreciated at all by so many people.  at the same time, so many people provided negative feedback.  when i see something like that, i am reminded of just how irrelevant my own writing can be, and how i am probably just ‘talking to myself’ more than expressing anything of any value or interest.

i realize that there are times when i go off on some tangent and i really try to get deep into something, but some of my own descriptions seem somewhat disconnected and incoherent at times.  that is probably more related to practice than if i am intoxicated on alcohol.

i went into that forum i talked about before with an agenda.  the main agenda was to just “make new friends and meet new people”.  this seems harmless enough, but now i realize that the typical agenda of the individual in that forum is not going to be quite that simple.  i forget that the “making friends” part is just “part one” in the advanced long term agenda.

i was fighting a losing battle to assume that my honestly simple agenda would hold much interest for those who would focus, rightfully, on those individuals who had an agenda that came somewhere close to their own.  when i talk about “just friends”, that pretty much eliminates us from the swingers, the voyeurs, the unicorn hunters, and most importantly, the “fat herder”.

i briefly mentioned this “ptsd episode” where “drunk me” decided to “go off” in some forum because i felt that people hadn’t paid enough attention to me or something.  i had been somewhat offended by the tendency for one person who ran the group to hit me with information about a group get together in response to my initial post, where i said in the last paragraph that candy was not into that stuff.

i felt disregarded, a little disrespected, and somewhat offended by that exchange.  as time went on, that sense of being offended and blown off increased as there was literally no other response to anything i would post in that thread or any other thread i attempted to participate in.

now, if i had creeped people out already with my participation, or anything i had said, it still didn’t stop someone from blindly pursuing an agenda even though i stated in my post that we were not candidates for that agenda.  this kind of social media cold calling is always very unattractive, because it’s going to draw in the kind of guys who are not so open and up front about wanting to “make new friends”, because they are looking for easy prey for one of many possible agendas.

it was really unfair for me to try to communicate with the most social acting person in that and literally hundreds of other forums, because i should have realized that she too was casting a large net, but for something that i would have no interest in if it involved having sex in front of people that we don’t know.

i should have known better that this person would really like to “get to know new people” as she seemed to try so hard to do with every other person in the forum.  she was casting this net out there, reeling in as many people as she could herself, but as she said it was about friendship, it really wasn’t, and the vague and ambiguous nature of “he likes to watch” wasn’t very informative as to her likes and dislikes as an intellectual friend.

maybe a part of me was so used to being rejected sexually as a single male, that now, i am really insulted when i am rejected for simple friendship that doesn’t involve eventually fucking someone or watching them get fucked by someone else, or letting them fuck my old lady, or whatever.

i am really grateful for that whole experience, even if it made me “look bad” in the eyes of all those people who have an agenda that doesn’t match mine or candy’s anyway.  maybe, just maybe, no matter how bad i get online, there are people out there who wanted to say the same things, but just didn’t want to deal with the burden of being a social media outcast.

candy should be ashamed or at least embarrassed by some of my behavior online, but she’s “used to it” now.  she knows that as i go around making a fool of myself occasionally, that i am only scaring off the vultures and the buzzards that don’t want true friendship as much as they seem to want to find new sex partners gathered around the corpse they consume.

that is a horrible and morbid association, but that’s how i view the whole alleged size acceptance community at this point.  people love to use that phrase, size acceptance, while they hold these gatherings where socialization comes at a price at the door, and the smaller bbws can stare and gawk at the ssbbws in much the same way everybody else in society does.  i have heard, and fortunately not experienced, that this type of behavior is not only tolerated at some past events, but encouraged for amusement and entertainment.

that is a harsh allegation, but i have heard some pretty low down stuff about the ‘vegas bbw bash’ before it changed management and became ‘something else’.  in the last year before the management changed, i somehow stumbled upon facebook posts by people who left early for some reason or another.  luckily for them, all was not lost because the new group was forming as the old group was dying.  it’s just a kind of changing of the guard, and for all i know, it may be better, but candy doesn’t want to submit herself to the mere possibility that she could end up being the entertainment when things might fall apart.

it doesn’t help matters that there has not really been any kind of close friendships online with the kind of people who shell out hundreds of dollars to “meet new people” at these events.

i am really cheap, so not only is it not really affordable to begin with, i simply can’t allow myself to invest without some kind of return on investment.  that would provide me with an agenda as i paid hundreds of dollars, and the chance for real disappointment if i didn’t get exactly what i wanted.

that’s why i can just simply elect not to participate, for the comfort of everyone else involved, and because candy has no desire to walk into a room full of complete strangers, and watch the cliques form and she’s stuck with the online asshole that is me.

now, there are gatherings that are free to attend, and there are gatherings that have a small cost at the door per person, much more manageable, and without building up much expectation.  the only problem with those gatherings is shared with the larger gatherings.  there is a lack of interest to get to know people before or unless they actually attend one of these things first.

i have some fucked up perception at times, but this reminds me of a guy who doesn’t want to waste any time having to get to know a woman online before hooking up first.  i am sure the ladies of a more feminist persuasion would love that argument.

much the same way, candy enjoys the online attention at times for being a ssbbw celebrity of sorts, but at the same time, it would be awkward and uncomfortable for her to enter a situation where the only attention she receives is from guys who wish they could fuck her, or women who pity her and want to give her advice to help her change because they used to be like her.

we went to hang out in a hotel room while an event was going on because candy wanted to hang out with just one person who was there for a bit.  after candy got up to go to the bathroom, and her friend was off for a few minutes doing something, a woman walked up to candy and started sincerely talking to her about how she used to suffer like candy, and how horrible it was, and how much she worked to correct it.

i realize there is a natural instinct to be nice and helpful, but candy has had to remind me on many occasions about how offensive unsolicited advice can be, and this situation was not only uncomfortable for candy, but depressing, and further inspiration not to want to hang out with a bunch of fat people just because she is fat.

there are events in the past that candy has attended, but only because she was good friends with the organizer, so she got to hang out with the “cool kids” and she was protected from any possibility of being made a spectacle or being shunned for being super sized.  it kind of helps when the group organizer is super morbidly obese herself, so candy doesn’t feel like the only one.

i know i was unfair in that group, i tried to contribute, but probably appeared kind of manic like i just wouldn’t shut up.  this is after repeated complaints about how quiet members are.  once i try to make conversation, every comment is followed by an empty box, until i come back and think of something new.

if i am talking to myself anyway, why the fuck should i be there?  i could be typing here, and if i do that every day, this shit will eventually pay off in some way.  this is the kind of agenda i should get behind.

that’s probably why i got impatient with myself and with the members of that tiny little insignificant group, and allowed myself to truly get nasty with people out of some need to burn out rather than fade away.

i did try to attend 2 different events on my own, to scout the waters of las vegas bbw interaction.  the first event was called a “bbw take over” at some local bar.  the bar was split into two main sections, and one was inhabited by people who obviously had nothing to do with the bbw thing.  it was obvious in no time which section was designated for the bbw event, because there was nothing but rap music going, and a few women that seemed a little larger than the ones on the other side.

i mention rap music as it relates to bbw events, and have to take a time out for this little complaint.  i might occasionally like to hear some house, or techno, like turning it into a mini rave for just a few minutes, but at this event, it was rap and only rap music.  occasionally there was something popular in the dance category, but mostly, there were what sounded like independent rap artists that made references to “big women” repeatedly, usually making graphic sexual comparisons in the process.

there was a “booty meat” competition.  sometimes i realize the very real handicap in being caucasian and having a preference for big butt white women.  i can’t get away with telling a woman i like her big booty. black women will usually show off a big booty in a profile rather than cutting off all photos at the neck or maybe waist.  that’s where i come up with a phrase i like to use, “white and uptight“.  i totally understand how some people can have a racial preference other than their own when they just happen to be white.

i would not have really noticed that i was the only white guy there until i overheard one woman saying as she walked out “that’s the white guy“.  it’s like somebody had a running bet on if any white guys would show up at all, and if so, how many.  that wasn’t uncomfortable or anything!

that is connected to the second thing i showed up at.  i always thought it would be cool to go to a fat strip club, or a strip club that had a fat/bbw night.  there was this thing that a woman i have seen on a few websites was doing, and i went.  i walked in, hung out at the bar, and this guy comes up to me saying “we’re the only white guys here!”  ok, that was fucking uncomfortable. again, i hadn’t noticed it myself and it was not a thought that had jumped into my head, until this jabroni said it.

i was not really impressed by the dancers, except for one, julia sands.  she is teeny tiny in my realm of interest on a physical or sexual level, but she was honestly the most talented woman there.  most of the others just kind of walked around on stage with their pendulous breasts swinging, and it just wasn’t really attractive to me at all.

after that experience, i realize i would rather watch some of those women in pre-recorded content than ever see them attempt “stripping”.  i am sorry for being so negative, but they were just not very good at dancing, the ones i let myself actually look at here and there.  the one cutest girl there danced when i was outside getting high with the “only other white guy”, and that is what caused the cops to show up and harass some black guys later.  cops are so freaking racist, and weed being prohibited is fucking racist, where is the naacp on that shit?

at the bbw take over event, the only person in that entire place that attempted to socialize with me was a skinny woman who pulled me onto the dance floor, and i think she was a prostitute.  i managed to overhear the “white guy” comment because i was outside on the phone with candy, and a couple were leaving and walked close enough for me to hear that.  it felt kind of racist to tell you the truth, but because of ‘white privilege’ i’m not supposed to feel discriminated against.

at the bbw strip club thing, i was still looking for a good weed connection, and one chance encounter at that place was vital for that to happen, but it was a guy i already knew from years before, who only came in to see one model for a private lap dance and then get the hell out of there.

i am still so grateful to him for that connection, because the woman organizing the event offered to sell me weed right there, but never followed through with it.  she just wanted me to go to the atm to have money to tip dancers, and i wasn’t going to, because i was really uncomfortable with the whole strip club dynamic.

i had been to a strip club over a decade before, with a guy i worked with, because his girlfriend worked there.  yeah, i was hanging with pretty interesting people long before the internet came along.  it was only once, and nobody there hustled me for dances or anything, so i didn’t get the full experience.

at the strip club, the only people who talked to me were the guy i already knew, and the “only other white guy“, who talked about selling weed, but he never contacted me when i wrote to the email address he gave me.  then there were the dancers, and again, i was just too intimidated and depressed by the over all energy of that environment that i could not bring myself to participate.  i felt weird, like it would be deceptive to candy to let someone just dance for me, even though it might have helped to get a future modeling collaboration with candy if i had at least tried to tip and show some interest.

i felt weird and awkward, as if tipping someone would lead to an assumption that i was creepy or predatory.  i never fully understood the whole strip club thing, and it probably has a lot to do with the fact that i have always chosen to socialize with women on a much more interpersonal and intellectual level.  this tip for a show mentality felt deviant and primal to me.  that’s ironic coming from a pornographer.  being a producer of pornography, i control my environment, and i have decades of experience with the modeling dynamic as a photographer.  the stripper and customer exchange feels too much like prostitution to me, which i believe should be legal, but i would never participate in it.

i had an agenda in going to those places, to “make new friends and meet new people”, and maybe see if anybody wanted to sell some weed.  it turned out that the only person of any help to me at that time was one guy i *already knew* and candy begged him for the weed hook up via email days or weeks after that event.  actually, probably the day after.  thank god that happened.  just like a game of grand theft auto, i had to hang out at a strip club to get my weed connection before i had the medical marijuana card.  it took eight months to get that connection.  yes, again, eight fucking months.

i really am grateful to that guy, and i should try to thank him online at some point, but it was no big deal to him, and he gets plenty of action to the point where he probably forgot even helping us out so much. 🙂

about the strippers that asked me if i wanted a lap dance, i was way too uncomfortable for that.  even after 2 beers, a hard limit while having to drive, i was too inhibited to go for a “lap dance”.  i did get to talk to julia sands, and again, while i have no fixation on her sexually, i admire her work ethic and her talent, and it would be awesome to get to work with her at some point.  candy would probably be star struck and very uncomfortable though, so that may never happen unless candy goes for it, not me. 🙂

so, i was really aggravated about the woman at the strip club telling me she could hook me up with weed when she had no intention of it.  maybe the cops showing up stopped it from happening, but it’s not like she ever followed up on it later.  candy tells me she is probably a pill head who didn’t remember talking to me later in the same evening.

since i mentioned the naacp way back in this post, and something i believe they should look into, i should also mention how my main gripe with any attempt at social dependent size acceptance is in the group naafa.  the national association for the advancement of fat acceptance.  that group was created in an effort to raise awareness of size discrimination, but they quickly became more obsessed with growing membership and having “bashes” rather than doing anything having to do with raising awareness outside of the “pay to play” social group.

that shit is fucking classism.  i know it’s easy for me to cry injustice in classism because i happen to be living in a controlled state of poverty.  i don’t freak out about being “poor” because I am “poor on purpose” in order to be totally legally eligible for medicaid.  i have done that as part of an experiment to see just how shitty medicaid is, and how many medical professionals attempt to fuck you up the ass when you have medicaid.  that exercise in bureaucracy in and of itself took about three years.  the first year was the year before obamacare even started, just seeing if i could regulate income at that level and actually live comfortably doing so.  it turns out, in the third year, yes i can. 🙂

while i mention my distaste in the way that size acceptance was eventually used as a for profit social platform, it doesn’t mean i am against it because i can’t afford it.  if i really, really wanted to participate in that stuff, i would make sure it happened.  it took almost $300 just to get my medical marijuana card, so while i live in this regulated state of poverty, i was still able to achieve that easily.  the point is, that investment is going to have a much higher return in personal pleasure and joy than attending a social event with a bunch of people i don’t know that i could not go to unless i paid hundreds to get in, or even nearly a hundred for both of us.

i watched as naafa basically disintegrated after the million pound march, where speaker carnie wilson would later end up being a living commercial for lap band, and convince countless women to endure this surgical experiment.  one of those women was known by candy long before she ever met me, and that woman never made it out of the hospital alive.

now carnie wilson is probably having her third weight loss surgical procedure, because as long as it’s a celebrity, it’s not insane to keep doing the same thing expecting different results.  it works so well i did it three times!  what a fuck head.

i guess the name of this post, “agendas” was appropriate.  i have given so much information already, and i feel like i could type for another two hours.  this little exercise was therapeutic, because it prevented me from “day drinking”.

i will get so much more done and feel so much better to have gotten all of this out.  this is obviously the proper medium for me to take out my frustrations with the state of affairs in everything having to do with fat socialization at this point in our history, comparing it to the past, and other failed experiments in the same vein.

now i am free from writing in inappropriate areas as well.  this one little, or not so little post has given me insight into myself, my behavior, and my reasoning and perception of the world that exists around me that i only occasionally have to enter into.

 

ssbbw candy godiva is stuffed

candy godiva is so stuffed ssbbw

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