Posts tagged pain

medical weed is ok now

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and just when will i get that hip replaced? on july 12, 2016 that's when!

Just when will i get that hip replaced?  July 12, 2016 that’s when!

 

Yeah, i did get that hip replaced, and I’m lucky to get medical weed, but then again, i may not be too lucky to get medical weed if I had to get it because I had a failing hip.

If that looks like it hurt, it did.

If that looks like it hurt, it did.

 

Yeah, surgery was not fun.  There was a hole next to that large incision because a draining tube was in there, to make sure I did not have a build up of gross fluid building up inside of the wound after I had parts of my bones cut off and replaced with plastic and metal.  I haven’t had a full size x-ray film to take a photo of since surgery, but I have seen that fake joint in there, on a tiny x-ray in my chart with the orthopedic surgeon, and i will eventually get a larger one.  I will not be getting a MRI on that hip ever again though.  I wonder if I will be able to get a MRI for any part of my body now.

photo_02

 

The wound did heal up nicely, but there is still a depression where that drain tube was, and the scar feels weird, parts of it nearly numb because some nerves were inevitably cut in the operation.  Such a deep wound did not seem to take very long to heal, and I was so very careful about not dislocating the new hip that I probably still don’t use it as hard  or normally as I could.

I still catch myself limping when I don’t have to, fearing that eventually if I walk enough the old pain will return.  There is still pain, but it is different, and not quite as severe.  My mental issues are more of a block to me than this hip is at times, but then again, my body still tries to act like the hip is a problem, since I could not use it for so long that my left leg actually got physically smaller than the right one.

At least I was able to have medical weed before and after surgery though.  I did not have it right after surgery, although that would have been nice.  I should have considered getting my hands on a vaping solution before i got surgery, so I could have gotten high right in the hospital on the down low after surgery.

I did get to smoke in the 2nd week after surgery, when I had a friend sneak some weed and a pipe into the rehab place I was at.  It was kind of a nursing home, my room mate seemed to have had a massive brain injury at some point, and he would talk about having a vagina and a baby on a regular basis.

I wanted to visit him after I got out, and I had to go back to do some paperwork, but I didn’t.  I wanted to get out of there as soon as my business there was finished, even after I said repeatedly that I would use that opportunity to see that guy.  I think I was still guilty about leaving him there, even though he is literally not my problem.

I felt like i helped him to talk more when I was there interacting with him, and I felt badly for abandoning him now that he seemed to be more focused and “present”.  I still have to let that go, it’s not my job, I have my own issues to deal with now that my hip is not my constant excuse to be physically careful, or at least for much longer I think.

I have to wonder if doing a little medical weed would have helped him, but then again, this facility was strictly non smoking, even in an outside courtyard where I was able to sneak it anyway.  Maybe someone knew, and could smell it, or maybe even saw me do it out of a window, but nobody confronted me, and I wanted out of there so badly after I voluntarily put myself there to prevent injuring myself by trying to do too much.

100_8022o2

 

Now that I’m able to get a bag legally, I can barely afford it!  There is the issue where trying to buy a whole ounce at a time does not make it cheaper anymore, when they try to sell you two half ounces for the half ounce price and won’t give you any discount on volume.  I know, that is the “old days” I guess.  One casualty of the now legal means in which I can buy and own weed without freaking out and being paranoid about it.  On the other hand, I can’t brag too openly about it though, because I don’t want anyone to think I have enough to make it worth harassing me about it.  I don’t sell it, I just take my little card to the local dispensary, one opened up right next to the apartment at some point!

Inyo fine cannabis dispensary

Inyo fine cannabis dispensary literally around the corner

 

This was some surprise to me, when I saw the signs, after the place had already opened up.  I went in and got a gram just because, I could not believe that it had finally happened.  I mean, i was walking in to my very first legal, physically “real” weed dispensary, and it had actually opened up remarkably close to where I was living.

 

100_8106o

 

Yeah, I was pretty surprised when I could go over there and walk out with a jar full of weed, a whole ounce, and not the crappy stuff that I was getting when I lived in Louisiana.  This was high grade medical stuff, and even the “cheapest” of that stuff is still amazing and much better than anything I was used to for my entire life before having access to this.

100_8103o

 

I was so shocked to go into a “store” and walk out with a “jar of weed” and it was all legal, and further, my right to treat my pain the way I had become used to was finally validated, after a lifetime of living in the shadows, paranoid of getting busted, worried about getting a record, and worried about how harsh the state of Louisiana would be because they seem to want to lock EVERYBODY up.

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Right now, down in the state shaped like a boot, synthetic weed carries the same penalties for real weed, from what I read recently, but who knows if that’s true?  I know Billy the exterminator, the guy with that show I don’t watch, got busted in some not so cheap hotel in the Courtyard Marriott in Benton, Louisiana with fake weed and he went to real jail…  I won’t go to jail, and I have jars of freaking weed, well, one at a time, there is a 2.5 ounce limit and I never come that close.  I’m not rich y’all!

100_8111o

 

I know there was a whole jar there at one point, but I took my time getting around to taking the photo!  There are 2 more jars that I did take the time out to share though!  Next time, the jar gets a photo nearly full of weed, along with a receipt just in case it tries to fade like other receipts from other places have in the past.

100_7990o

 

The fire alien super skunk was amazing, but it’s hard to tell the difference between this, the herojuana, and the “outer space” that I got later on.  It is just all so good and gets me so very high!

100_7989o

 

These big jars of medical weed are pretty, smell nice, and create an amazing high.  The herojuana was an indica hybrid, whatever that means, no, really, I need to study this stuff.  I know that there are indicas and sativas, and there is this big difference between the two, if you can actually tell once you are high I guess. 🙂

one tiny lil sebastian bud in between two fire alien super skunk buds

one tiny lil sebastian bud in between two outer space buds

 

With cute names like lil sebastian and outer space, it’s no wonder it has taken so very long for the industry to reach specific standards and be taken seriously.  Then again, weed has always been “underground” because it has been illegal for so very long, in fact, it still is on a federal level as of this writing, even if the feds seem to lay off people in states who legally obtain weed with a medical card, like I have.

420

 

This card expired in early 2016, but I have a new one that was renewed, and I will get it renewed again, but the 3rd time I get this card it will be a hell of a lot cheaper!!!  When I got the card, there was only a handful of doctors who would sign a recommendation, but that all changed when the dispensaries opened up everywhere!  It seems that I was right, once more dispensaries were in existence, or at least ONE, there would be much more push to get more doctors to sign those recommendations, because the new dispensaries NEED CUSTOMERS!

 

100_8010o

 

This weed was called “outer space” and as far as I’m concerned, it sent me to outer space just as thoroughly as the “fire alien super skunk” or the “lil sebastian” or the “herojuana” or any of the many strains that I was getting before I knew what I was getting at all because it came in a plastic bag after a transaction in a parking lot!

outer space popcorn buds are so pretty even in the package

Outer space popcorn buds are so pretty even in the package.

 

When I go to list some of the strains of weed that I have been so lucky to get to try in the “tags”, I think it is so awesome that I have finally gotten to match a name with the high, instead of just getting some generic random baggy with a bunch of buds in it that I knew were the right weight, but I knew nothing other than what it weighed, because I could measure that.  I rarely if ever thought to ask about the name of a strain, but I knew that the person could just make it up.

 

100_8019o

 

Outer space popcorn buds seems to look kind of purple when photographed with no flash.  It’s still bright green with a flash, and maybe hints of purple here and there between the green.  It’s so pretty, but it’s all going to burn no matter how nice it looks.  There is an exception to that though, if you are going to eat the weed, but not really eating weed, but an extract put into candy.

gedc4248o

 

I like this one, “bears on clouds”.  The only problem is that I wasn’t on clouds after eating it.  I didn’t really feel anything at all, but I am so used to smoking weed, and, if I had smoked any before eating this, I would have just felt whatever I smoked.  I believe that I held out and did not smoke before eating one of these, but then again, I probably would have smoked recently enough before eating this so that I still had residual THC higher than what’s in this thing.  The label had more info though.  Still don’t help me.

gedc4249o

 

Yeah, 25mg, I’m just as lost as if I was trying to figure out exactly what I would feel like after a shot of 40 “proof” vodka in a glass half full of “tampico” juice.  You know that’s not really juice.  It goes so damn good with vodka though, right?  Anyway, I have a pretty good idea how I might feel after 4, 5 and then 6 ice beers that are 5.9% alcohol, but I have not drank vodka in so very long, I can only assume that one shot would feel like one beer once consumed in a mixed drink.  I can’t assume anything though, because after the first shot, each drink would be a double, and then I would start diluting with water but still hitting the vodka, and worst of all, with kool aid, probably pink lemon aid or just plain lemon aid.

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You have to keep that pipe clean, or you are just slapping yourself right in the nuts.  A good way to waste good weed is to try to smoke it through a pipe that has some tiny hole air is sometimes going through.  Burning it so that the stuff liquefies and then sucking through a gurgling, bubbling mess is not going to help either.  I’ve got a system now involving 2 jars, one with rubbing alcohol in it, and the pipe can just soak overnight and a q-tip is more than enough to clean it out.  You need some alcohol soaked wet wipes though to clean your hands after dealing with this stuff, it’s horrible.  Just imagine my lungs!  Geez! LOL

100_7848o

 

Yes, I did get it renewed.  I have already had the address changed once, so they sent me a 2nd card, which is cool because usually they ruin the previous one when you get a renewal.  They are so uptight, they don’t even take the ID they issue as proof of ID when you go to the DMV to get an ID… Yeah, if it sounds confusing, just wait until you have to go in there with 2 things that have been mailed to you, and they have to be important, not junk mail.  Then you don’t get a card right there, it’s mailed to you.

That was a real pain when the mail boxes at the apartment got broken into, and I had to take a bus to a post office several miles away to pick up mostly junk with a few important things, like Candy’s fucking ID.  But, it is done, mission accomplished, don’t have to do that again.  I do have to go back to that post office again though because those boxes are still fucked.  I guess it’s even more secure to get mail at the post office than these fucking boxes with the fucking delinquents running around that apartment complex.

gedc4357o

 

I have had the opportunity to smoke some pretty exotic weed in the last few months, or over the course of the last year and a half.  For the first six months that I had a weed card I was still going through a dealer that I was grateful to know.  The prices got much cheaper through the dispensaries though and I was able to pick exactly what I wanted, or I should say, let Candy pick what she wanted, because I still split it with her and she picks the strain.  I just have to hope she keeps it cheap, which she has been, she’s getting just as cheap as I am lately. 🙂

gedc4256o

 

Long buds, short buds, green buds, purple buds, it’s all so good.  I can barely tell them apart, especially if I start drinking that 5.9% alcohol ice beer I was talking about before.  Sometimes a local convenience store gets a deal on some nearly expired craft beer and it can go as high as 8% alcohol.  That totally kicks my ass, I can’t really do a whole six pack of those but sometimes I have mistakenly tried.  I was taking tramadol back then too!  I have quit doing all the pills, or I should say “any” pills, because I only did 2 for pain to begin with.  Any xanax was donated to me and taken as I received it, so I am not “in possession” of it.  That shit is good, but I can’t do it very often at all!

100_7773_o

 

This beer was amazing, and I can only barely remember it.  I did take a photo of the label though, and it was 8% alcohol.  For a beer, that is powerful.  That’s why the ice beers are so popular, and why they always put “5.9% alcohol” right on the packaging.  They are bragging because they know cheapskates like me are looking for that high alcohol content!

gedc2149o

 

You can almost see the alcohol content.  I must truly love drinking.  I know that the alcohol lobby probably has something to do with the fact that weed is still largely illegal in most states, and currently as I write this, on a federal level.  I also know that it’s not just big alcohol, it’s big pharma, big police unions, big correctional unions, and the power of old people to grasp onto and never let go of status quo.  I hope for a future when people are not being locked up for a freaking plant, but this is the good old U S of A we’re talking about.  Home of the free and the brave, and the highest incarcerated population of any country in the world.  Yes, the entire world.  That world includes Russia and China in my reality, so maybe we should stop making them out to be the big villain all the time at this point.

sushi yo!

 

So much sushi, so little time.  I love sushi, but I can’t really afford it.  It’s a good thing that I have seemingly proved my usefulness with a few very special people, so that this seems to happen every once in a while, and I’m told that I actually deserve it.  I know I’m very lucky, as long as the thread holding my reality together at the seams holds.  If just one segment anywhere important breaks, there is a shitload of trouble coming my way, and all I can do is attempt to brace myself, or in the case of being drunk, not brace myself for whatever comes.

endless shrimp at red lobster yo!

 

Maybe it’s this “endless shrimp mentality” that is causing people to remain so comfortable with the status quo.  There is no reason to keep putting up with the kind of massive injustice that exists in this society, except, it’s just easier to go along, which is actually my philosophy, except for what my fingers decide to type now and then.  If my writing is a rebellion against good writing, it’s also a rebellion against the blind acceptance of the status quo.  I have a fully viewable but still accepting it perception of the status quo.  I may actually register to vote for the first time ever just to vote yes on question 2, which is to basically legalize weed in the state of Nevada, where i live now that I ran away from Louisiana so long ago.  I beat another flood in Baton Rouge this time!

lobster about to get straight up killed yo!

 

I like to watch my food cower in fear before I eat it!  I guess I can’t keep complaining because I have it pretty good, I’m really lucky, and I have just enough friends to get by without getting fucked over, so far.  I want to thank everyone in my life that helped me to refuse to get hip surgery for months and then finally talk me into it in the “last minute rush” to get that appointment when I finally got cut on.  I almost TURNED DOWN THAT APPOINTMENT.  Now I’m glad I didn’t.  I was a little different for a few years that I was in so much pain.  I don’t think medical weed was really enough to help.  I was a real asshole on many occasions, and sometimes I wonder if I was being pushed additionally by the creeping, slowly growing pain in my hip before I got surgery.  Now I watch people I care about suffer because I know that nobody is going to give them this surgery.

dream big... um... yo!

 

I love producing and delivering random content and trying to call it art.  I think it is, but I wonder sometimes, if it was such a good thing that bbw and even ssbbw content became such a regular thing all the sudden.  Like, it’s a very weird trade off with what’s going on.  It’s like fat all the sudden became “ok” with a big woman as long as she is “DTF” in the process of already being big.  I should not and will not get into all of that.  I deleted every post that I created over years because of posts that included comments about women that I myself later felt may be offensive.  I have to change the subject, but I also had to put this photo here and point out the irony.  I am buzzed by now, and I wasn’t when I started this post.  Maybe I saved it to “drafts” because I thought that it needed input from drunk me.

life in the big city... um... yo...

 

I knew what I was in for when I moved to the “big city” of fabulous Las Vegas.  So far, I kind of like it, but then again, I only go out in the daytime and I have not been seriously assaulted yet, so who knows what will happen to my opinion of this place?  I know that I have to accept the over all outcome, which is, I met someone that I believe I was supposed to meet, even if it has NOT BEEN EASY AT ALL TO GET USED TO THE DIFFERENCE.

yo, mountains

 

Life in the big city, with mountains all the way around me, as if I am waiting for water to just fill this place up and wash it away.  it’s beautiful in ways, it’s ugly in ways, it is what it is, and I live here because I chose it, rather than just being dragged somewhere as a baby by someone else and then deciding that I should grow up and die in the very same place myself.

endless houses in the background of a fake house yo...

I’m going to publish this, instead of letting it sit in drafts, and I may come back and do a part 2, but for now, this should just go up as it is… Thanks… I still don’t want to delete this domain name as I let all kinds of others just kind of vanish, or turn into Japanese spam sites, like bbwglamour.com.  LOL

eat yo beets, yo!

Eat those beets!  Oh, I know that there is no way to understand scale and know how large my incision was…

incision!  gross!

overboard

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No, I’m not talking about that cheesy movie from a long time ago.  I think that last post was a bit harsh.  I was trying to maintain a sense of humor, but as always, i got really critical of the very audience that has supported my work for nearly a decade.  I wasn’t really insulting the entire audience though, just the ones who have never actually supported the work because they always watched stuff that came out for free.

 

all this food is not free

all this food is not free

 

I don’t want to get started all over again about that, but I just wanted to say that without taking the time to go re-read what I wrote, I will get a little more specific about who I meant to be critical of.  It’s one thing to be complimented on work that someone saw completely free, but it’s another thing when other people are literally posting entire clips on a file sharing site, and then suddenly there are over a dozen clips floating around “for free”.  Then someone responds to some twitter update by saying how great the content is, but they have never actually paid for it.

 

that food gets pretty expensive!

that food gets pretty expensive!

 

There is a consequence of doing that, and eventually, it is called “going out of business.”  I should not have complained so harshly in that previous post, but later on that day I started to come down with symptoms of some kind of cold.  The next day I had a fever over 100 degrees and I was sick for nearly 2 weeks with a pretty severe sinus infection.

 

really loaded, or had a fever, hard to remember!

really loaded, or had a fever, hard to remember!

 

In the middle of all that, I was informed that my van was going to get towed away soon at great expense if I did not get rid of it on my own, or finally fix it and renew registration.   They would charge $300 for the tow that I did not want even if I told them to keep the van.  I called the tow company, and they made an offer to buy the van for $50, but I had already made arrangements to sell it for $60 to another guy.

 

it could haul stuff, but not broke

it could haul stuff, but not broke

 

That might sound like I was ripped off something horrible, because the fuel pump I replaced just months before cost more than that.  It cost me $300 to have the transmission mounts replaced, so that one bracket could come loose and nearly break my steering column.  Now the van is not going to be a money pit any longer, and I believe that positive changes have happened because I got rid of it.  Because there is less money coming in, the van will stop leeching money  that I can’t even use as a business expense because the van wasn’t used in the business.  The van became a real problem on a regular basis, and was no longer very reliable, so it simply had to go.

 

the van, haunting my nightmares like a chinese buffet aquarium monster

the van, haunting my nightmares like a chinese buffet aquarium monster

 

The van was simply too messed up after the transmission bracket came loose to fix easily.  Even if the bracket could have been put back, the steering column was hit and leaking, and that was going to go sooner or later and in a very unsafe and probably horrifying way.  So, I had to say goodbye to the van I have had for nearly a decade right in the middle of the worst illness I’ve experienced in that same period of time.  I never get sick, but I had worn myself down with stress and anxiety about too many things, and I had to finally let the van go.

 

and just when will i get that hip replaced?

and just when will i get that hip replaced?

 

So, I just wanted to post a note here as I logged in to check on updates and other stuff.  I know that i was being really insulting to an entire group of people out there who will never, ever pay for content.  I can’t blame them in a way, but still, I am a “small business” not a big Hollywood studio.  I know that other small businesses have gotten larger with expansion, but at this point, I have other issues going on that prevent me from giving 100% of myself to any business.

 

the closest i may ever get to putting a ssbbw on a website again :(

the closest i may ever get to putting a ssbbw on a website again 🙁

 

Just last week I tripped myself on the cane I use to walk because I need a hip replacement.  In the fall I hurt the “good leg”, so it was even harder to walk for a few days.  It just happened to be right before a weekend spent with a friend where I would want to help them out by doing some house work.  Then, she discourages me from drinking, on the night I really could have used it, so I just passed out.  I needed a drink more than ever being in the kind of pain I was in, and trying not to take pain pills for it.  Luckily it didn’t hurt when I wasn’t moving or walking, so I was able to pass out, regardless of what kind of plans she may have had for “later”.

 

yeah, this one, pushy as she is voluptuous

yeah, this one, pushy as she is voluptuous

 

When I do finally quit drinking, that will be my decision.  Being told “no” by someone is a harsh reminder of the way I am guiding my life in the next few months.  It’s never too late to stop what is planned, but I have a feeling I’m going to have to go through the whole experience to know that I “maybe should not have done that.”  I know I’m talking in code, but maybe in the near future I’ll be spilling all kinds of stuff here because I won’t have much else to do.

yeah, i like to get fucked up!

yeah, i like to get fucked up!

law of attraction

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I had the chance to watch some videos and read some materials online about the law of attraction, or LOA as they are calling it on twitter.  Candy would have gotten me interested in learning more about this, because she comes across a lot of spiritual and self help type stuff as she surfs the internet literally all day in between binge watching certain television shows.

I really like the philosophy and the idea behind the law of attraction, because it involves simple positive thinking and the ability to put one’s self in a mind set where they already possess what it is they want, so what they really want is drawn to them.

There was always a sense that I could accomplish anything I put my mind to.  It started back when I was just hitting puberty.  I thought to myself “I would like to have my own money.”  So, I found out I would need a worker’s permit at the age of 15 or 16, I forget.  I got one, and I proceeded to apply for jobs.  I was living in such a small town that there were not that many businesses to choose from, and all the kids my age would be hitting all of them the same way I was, if they were so inclined to work as I was.

I got an offer with a local supermarket, but I would have to spend the first week or so working for a store in Metairie, which was a town about 15 minutes away on interstate.  I already spent a lot of time out there, because that’s where the big malls were, and all the cooler places where younger people hung out.  The supermarket where I was trying to work was within walking distance from my house, while this place required a half hour commute considering both ways.

They were fixing up a store because a regional manager was visiting, or inspecting, and I had to do all kinds of jobs there that were never going to come up again in the supermarket where I thought I would be working.  I had to sweep a ceiling, paint a back warehouse, and there was all kinds of cleaning.  These were the kinds of things that were only done once a year or even every other year, so while this was my initial experience, it was not going to be the usual experience.

I was so determined to make my own money, that I would try to hustle, and instead of dragging ass, I was enthusiastic and energetic.  I was fucking young, so it was easy to be hyper back then.  I think back and wish I took better care of myself so that I could have at least more than half of that kind of energy at 46.  Now I have to quit smoking and start working out to even come close to having that kind of energy ever again.

When I started working at the local store, there wasn’t any need for the kind of clean up that took place at the other store.  The manager at this store was keeping all that shit together so that it never got as bad as it did at the other place.  The store in Laplace was a lot slower than the one in Metairie though.  The store in Laplace was part of a strip mall, that was one of maybe 3 in the whole town, one of only 2 that I would care to hang out at when I lived there.  The store in Metairie was linked on to the back of a big mall, so it got all kinds of traffic from people who wanted to go grocery shopping after mall shopping.

The big job at the store in Laplace was buggy pushing.  Yeah, somebody has to bring all those buggies back into the store when they are taken out to the parking lot and emptied out.  At least back in Laplace, there wasn’t a major percentage of the buggies leaving the parking lot and being pushed home, like they do here in Las Vegas.  It is actually a small business opportunity in Vegas to have a truck and trailer and round up buggies all over the city, and get paid by the buggy to bring them back.  Now, businesses have to go high tech and install one special wheel that is supposed to jam up if you roll that thing out of the parking lot.  I have no idea how that works, but I should look it up to see how it is hacked.

I would spend nearly the entire shift out in that parking lot pushing those things back into the store.  Over time, I started to imagine that I wasn’t even “in” my body, but ordering it to do things for me as I sat back comfortably in the back of my mind somewhere, listening to music I had memorized by listening to my records over and over.

I was impressive to the store manager, who would see so many other kids listlessly and slowly doing the least amount of work necessary.  I would be pushing myself as I was pushing those buggies, trying to push just 1 more in the row than I did the day before regularly, or get to the point where I had to stop adding to a regular trip because I might lose control, or lose the end buggy if I had to stop suddenly.

Thinking back I can remember the technique that I would learn to control a big long row of buggies.  There was a kind of trick to it.  The fewer you had, the more control you had, because you had to shove left or right to stop in addition to steering.  If you couldn’t put enough sideways pressure on the one you were pushing, the one at the front would slip right off the row, probably right into someone’s brand new car, and you don’t want that.

The main point about the buggies, and that first job, is that before I got the job, I didn’t know I could do “a job” at all.  Even further, I wasn’t handed paint and brush at my own house to paint, but these guys handed it to me expecting a job that would impress a regional manager.  I think it did.

I didn’t know I could spend 8 hours in the deep south summers pushing hundreds, or thousands of buggies back and forth in a day, and then turn around and be an energetic kid running all over town after.  I didn’t realize how quickly I could save up money to purchase that first car.  When I got the job, and started the job, I didn’t think getting my own car was even a possibility, but naturally it would be, because as long as I kept the job, I would accumulate more money.  I was a kid, it wasn’t like I was paying rent.

After just a few months of working at this place, I had enough money saved up to buy a used car, and that led me to see another goal realized that I didn’t think was possible while I achieved the earlier goal of getting and keeping a job to begin with.  Of course, getting that car would prove to show me what my real agenda was all along, independence.

Buying a first car made such a big difference in the sheer amount of time that I would spend at my childhood home.  I would basically be just sleeping there, and by the time I was 17, I could have just quit high school, shifted over to full time at my supermarket job, and got my own apartment.  That would have gotten me into way too much trouble.  It’s bad enough the way things turned out after getting that car.

When I say it’s bad enough the way things turned out, I mean that with that independence, and that confidence, I started visiting bars at 17 before I was even old enough to be drinking.  I would meet up with a woman in her mid 20’s, and she would end up being my first ex wife, because I was impulsive enough to get married to the first woman who put out on a regular basis.

So many things turned out how I expected them, as long as I set small goals, and checked them off one at a time.  If I really wanted to get away from my parent’s house, I had to first get a job for income, then get a car for transportation.  Once those 2 things were done, I just had to wait until I graduated high school to figure out what I wanted to do next.

I had an additional year of high school, not because I failed, but because I was kicked out right at the end of the fucking year in my junior year.  So, I had to do that year all over again, after having a recurring dream of exactly that happening.  A lot of kids would have said “fuck it” right then and there, but my mother used to taunt me about how I would never finish high school, so a part of me did the extra year just to prove her wrong.  Now I know where my passive aggressive tendencies come from!  Thanks mom!

You know, the biggest fantasy I would have had at that time besides having a car, would have been getting laid.  While in my early 20’s, with a car, a job, and money in the bank, I didn’t realize how easy getting laid could be, even before the internet.  I had to go through some pretty hard lessons and my first ex wife before I understood the dynamics of dating and desperation.

I believe that the only way my story of coming of age is relevant to the law of attraction is in the way that I believed I would accomplish things, and I did.  Even when I was young and dumb in my teens, before being young and just as dumb in my 20’s, I still set out to accomplish things one at a time until reaching some end goal.  It is something that has become so regular and easy in my life that I sometimes take it for granted.  There have been times I have almost gone right off the cliff because of my confidence that the brakes would stop the car in time.

Even now, I have just achieved the latest goal, of getting a medical marijuana card.  To people in California, it’s no big deal, because it’s under $100 and you can get it in the back room of a dispensary.  Here in Nevada, there is a shitload of stuff you have to be put through before getting this little token.

I was here in Nevada for almost 3 years before getting that card, but just like the process of getting my first car or first regular piece of ass when I was younger, there were steps that had to be completed before hitting the goal.  I had to wait on obamacare to kick in so I could get my first hip x-ray.  Then, I had to take the radiologist report to some strip mall doctor’s office and give them the routine about how I am too young for hip replacement, but obviously need one.  Then, I had to shell out nearly $300, and that is WITH A DISCOUNT because I had brought in actual medical records.  Then, I had to wait nearly 2 months for that shit to come in the mail after waiting 3 hours for the DMV to take my fucking photo.

So, just getting that little card took a few steps, none of which were convenient or ‘fun’.  If obamacare had started just one year earlier, I would have gotten the card a year earlier, because I made sure to move to a state with medical marijuana BEFORE obamacare kicked in.  Before that, I made sure to regulate my income so that I know I would be covered under medicaid, and I could still manage to live on a %133 of poverty level income.  So, the actual entire process of getting that card started with me living in Louisiana, making a certain amount for a full year before obamacare even kicked in so I would know I could live on that much, and still move my ass 2000 miles across the country to a state less stuck in the past who has the compassion to allow people to use a fucking plant to alleviate great amounts of physical pain.

To me, the southern states have always seemed masochistic and sadist for turning their noses up at medical marijuana.  Further, it is ironic to me that the “river parishes” where I grew up, is also known as “cancer alley” because of all the chemical plants along the Mississippi river right there.  Of course when people get cancer that was caused by that fucking pollution, the politicians would say “fuck you, you don’t need that marijuana shit for your cancer.”  My mother died of fucking ass cancer in that shit hole state, so naturally, I have a sense of resentment for Louisiana, and every other southern state that continues to force it’s residents to suffer because they are bible thumping fuck-tards from the distant past who can’t get their heads out of their fucking asses to save their fucking stupid, useless lives…

Wow, I got a little negative there.  I have always known about the connection that marijuana has to health and well being, decades before all this new research has finally been released, after being kept hidden by corrupt politicians and the corporations who bribed them to begin with.

Every time a southern state says “NO” to medical marijuana, I am reminded of why I had to get the fuck out of there, and why I don’t enjoy giving that place credit for my growing up because I hate it, and the entire southern fucked up region so much.  Recently, Florida said NO to medical marijuana, and it’s ironic that with all those suffering old people down there, they are so desperate to keep the status quo of pill addiction and abuse…

Wow, I just got way off the subject there!  Maybe not entirely though.  I look at the law of attraction as if we are all children, experiencing everything for the very first time, every day of our lives.  Just because we grow up, or get old, doesn’t mean we have seen everything and done everything there is to do, if you want to do it.

Even though I am 46 now, I can still relate to being a teenager who is trying to work out how to get that first car when I work out the massive undertaking of moving 2000 miles to get out of bum fuck egypt and into a place that is more progressive and modern politically.  When I was young, I thought I wanted to move from Louisiana to Florida.  Talk about getting out of the toilet only to end up in the sewer!

Florida would have been nearly *worse* than Louisiana!  Just talk to “Florida Man” about that one!  Also, I have already mentioned that those assholes recently voted down medical marijuana while Nevada voted it in over a decade ago but just pussyfooted around and cock blocked it up until NOW. 🙂  Nevada is still cock blocking medical marijuana, and I might just become more of an activist to point it out, since they are literally trying to make me suffer by not giving me access to my state approved medication!

Alright, I have wondered so very far from my original subject, and I have shit to do, but I guess I am saying that no matter what the undertaking, or how difficult you think it would be, or how impossible it might seem, it is doable, possible, and if you really want it, inevitable.  The law of attraction can’t be taken for granted to the point where you just sit back and think about something all day expecting it to happen for you.  The law of attraction gives people the motivation and inspiration to complete those small goals on the way to the larger one, even when that large goal seems unattainable.  Nothing is impossible.  Believe in your dreams.

 

medical marijuana card nevada

i got my medical marijuana card!

over a decade

0

I wonder myself sometimes how everything that has happened has actually happened.  The thought of Candy leaving twice, and my going literally insane both times is such a weird set of memories to process.  I know that there are times that I still experience the anxiety I felt at that time out of the blue, with no additional stimulus required.  At the same time, when real shit is doing down in my life I tend to use another type of anxiety to motivate, inspire, and push myself into doing what needs to be done.

There are times I have had some pretty heavy duty shit going on, like having to pull a huge, heavy fuel tank off a big ass van to replace the fuel pump, or pull the dash apart to replace an automotive computer.  Those two things were just last year, and while I do consider myself a hobby mechanic, both of those jobs were things I had not done before, and I had to face a certain type of anxiety in order to successfully complete both of them, and still have working transportation that is paid for, and amazes me to this day that it is still going.

The biggest obstacles I have come across in my life never came anywhere near the level of intensity I felt when I lost Candy.  It was as if everything in my life before those events meant absolutely nothing.  All the accomplishments, all the hurdles overcome, all the disappointment, all the pain, none of it meant anything when I lost the one person in the world that I felt I loved more than anyone or anything else.

I literally wanted to drink myself to death.  I went online and I started to reject everything I held dear all of my life.  I started to become the absolute worst troll that even I had ever come across in the realm of ‘SSBBW’ or super size big beautiful women.  I would not lash out so much at individuals, except for a very small handful of people who were directly involved, because they cared enough to save Candy from me if I wasn’t making her happy.

I would go into every fat specific area of the internet I could find to bitch and raise hell about how I should not be attracted to women who look like this.  I should not be in such pain because I chose someone to love who would leave me.  I was lashing out partially because I was severely intoxicated most of the time, but also because I was hurt deeper than I had ever been hurt in my life.

I am still resolving feelings of guilt over how I acted.  I have apologized over and over to one person who was mature enough not to take any of it too personally in the first place.  I have wondered what must be going through the minds of people who Candy met and interacted with while she was gone, only to run back to me, after previous accusations of abuse.

We were in a destructive, abusive relationship for at least one or two years before the point where she left, but we didn’t realize it, because there were circumstances that Candy wasn’t fully aware of that triggered negative behavior in her.  When Candy and I met, we were both potheads.  She had what amounted to a near allergic reaction to alcoholics.  She had previous family history with alcoholics, and she herself feels as if she went through a period of alcoholism in her earlier years before we ever met.

When I made the brilliant decision to stop smoking pot and start drinking in it’s place, that created an environment where I would start drinking in the evening, and as I got more and more intoxicated, Candy would grow more and more anxious and upset.  If I were to talk a little too much, or about the wrong subjects while intoxicated, it would give her the reason she was looking for to just “go off” on me.  I had a great deal of restraint, after being through everything I have been through back in Florida with Alexis, so I would let it go.

There were just a few times when I would have gotten upset along with her for being upset, and I would allow an argument to escalate to a certain point.  Then, I would get tired out from being drunk and just want to quit arguing, usually before anything significant happened.

One evening, things did get really intense, and rather than cooling off and calming down, Candy made a snap decision to take off.  She wasn’t just leaving for a day, or a few days, she was packing a back to move out completely.  Because she had just done the same thing a few months before, I started to reach a point where I didn’t want her to come back.  I had been so hurt by her leaving the last time, and so excited when she came back, that watching her leave yet again would have me telling myself that I didn’t deserve that shit, I was over it, and I can’t be in love with someone who leaves me over little shit.

For the first few weeks she was gone, she had probably intended to come back all along.  Because I entered this mindset of believing I didn’t want her back, I would allow myself to get drunk and log on Facebook to rant and rave about how shitty it was for her to leave the way she did, and how she was “not a good girlfriend” if she was going to use this tactic of leaving me to control me.

At one point, maybe 2 and a half weeks in, I got so drunk that I posted some really horrible shit on Facebook, where instead of complaining, I started getting highly insulting.  At that point, any thought Candy had of coming back started to evaporate, and instead of getting her back sooner, I pushed her away for even longer.

After about 3 months of doing nothing but getting drunk every single day and passing out, I finally decided to get back out there and try to meet people.  The first attempt was this woman in her 20’s who I talked to on the phone.  She acted like she really wanted to meet right away, so she suggested I go to some bar to meet up with her.  She totally stood me up.  I tried calling her, no answer, of course, she knew what she was doing.

I will never forget the drive home from that place, how depressing it was, and how everything I passed on the way home reminded me of being with Candy.  I was reminded of how much I loved and missed her, and I was hurt so very deeply to have the first moment of encouragement turn out to be another taunt by life itself.

I didn’t try to contact that woman, but a few days later she sent me an email trying to apologize.  I basically cursed her out, told her how useless and pathetic she was for doing that to me, and I told her not to contact me anymore.  I also wrote out at least 3 pretty harsh jokes about her having only one hand.  I know that was totally uncalled for now, but it felt good at the time to do it.  She was writing me as if there was some big misunderstanding about the plans she had made with me.  She may have attempted to say she “chickened out”, but it didn’t matter.  She was already putting me in the position of meeting her “with friends”, which I absolutely hate doing.  Then, after agreeing to that really shitty scenario, she stood me up.

I stayed at that bar until around 1am, not because I had hope she would show up, but because I wanted to put myself through the misery of being someplace I didn’t want to be because some bitch lied me into going in the first place.  I wanted to absorb all of that negative emotion for as long as I could stand it, until I really wanted to go home and slam more vodka.

There was no giving up at that point though.  I had to meet someone.  Hanging out with old alcoholic guys was more depressing than being alone, and the more I was alone, the more time I had to act like a total dickhead on Facebook.  I believe a part of me hates Facebook to this day for giving me an outlet to make such an ass of myself.  I still get drunk and act stupid online, but I am not mean, depressed, and cruel to people.

When that woman stood me up on the very first date planned since Candy left, it reminded me of the long, hard road ahead in finding someone I am attracted to, who was available, who I could trust.  The person I was at that time would not allow me to find the “perfect woman for me” though, because I wasn’t myself.  I was lying to myself about not being in love with Candy and wanting her back, so I would naturally lie to myself about the kind of woman I would be truly happy with.

One woman was so physically awesome, and she agreed to model, and I still have yet to figure out what site I want to add her to.  It has been nearly 4 years since I took those photos, and I have yet to ever use any of them.  A part of me looks at that work as inferior because i was so very drunk most of the time.  Another part of me looks at that work and feels the pain I was in at that time.  Something has blocked me from using those photos, even though I have an ID, a model release, and she is physically amazing and impressive as a SSBBW.

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

It was awesome and amazing to meet someone so physically amazing and incredible.  I would have been instantly in love with her appearance with the hopes that her personality would not let me down.  She was unavailable though, of course.  She was available to mess around, but she was living in a situation that prevented any possibility of us being together.

This was another harsh reminder to me of the long hard road ahead in finding someone I could love like Candy.  The first woman to appear and actually come through and meet me would turn out to be someone that I would never have a chance of being with.  A woman who I could probably be content to be monogamous with for the rest of my life is just another fantasy.  Of course.

I didn’t give up though, I kept searching, and I reached another compromise.  There was one woman who was kind of aggressive online about wanting to meet up, but at the same time, she was a certain “type” that I was always hesitant to get involved with heavily.  I’ll just say it, she was a freaking “christian”.  She was eager to meet me though, and that seemed to be a rare occurrence for me in the online dating world, so I agreed to meet with her.

the christian bbw

the christian bbw

She was beautiful, and happened to remind me of someone from the distant past facially.  She had full, sexy arms, and DDD breasts, but she had kind of the typical “top heavy” figure, which has never been my total favorite.  Anyone who has seen images of Candy would realize quickly that her mass is more heavily distributed on the lower half.

Since as long as I can remember, there has been this thing about larger thighs.  In a previous post, I went into great detail about a theory that I have about being near sighted as a child and going years without wearing glasses.  I may have started to distinguish male from female by body shape more heavily than face, and because I had such an intense sexuality, I started to become attracted to larger and larger representations of visual femininity in the body.  I could recognize someone from a great distance before seeing their face by seeing their shape and even their walk.  I still do this, because I can recognize some people from a distance, looking at their back while they walk away.  I once picked out a woman I knew in a crowded mall on a Saturday from the second floor while she walked away on the first floor a great distance below and away from me.

Because of this, I have to admit even to myself that I developed a kind of “fetish” for large thighs.  I tried to overcome this, because I kept telling myself that I didn’t love Candy, I was no longer attracted to Candy, and I was not going to limit my potential sexual partners to women who are “Super sized” or super morbidly obese, who happen to have large thighs too.  That was too specific for my old, ugly, drunk ass.

I kind of settled, which is horrible, and I still feel guilt over how it hurt her when I had to tell her Candy was coming back.  I settled on her being religious, her being top heavy, and her being kind of distant and controlling herself.  It’s not like I wasn’t attracted to her, because at her size, with her shape, I could do things with her that I could not physically accomplish with Candy, ever.  She could literally ride me to the point where I was struggling to control climax.  Having those pendulous breasts swinging in my face while she gyrated on top of me was something that was kind of “new” to me, and it was literally amazing.

I know that sex is not the only thing that can keep a relationship together, and while I was still fixated on my preference for large thighs, I would end up cheating on the christian in order to see and photograph the unavailable ssbbw.  One time they actually passed each other in the parking lot because I was such a bastard.  I can’t believe that I was able to pull off that kind of timing while I was so hopelessly intoxicated most of the time.

By the time I started to “date” again, I did reduce the drinking a great deal.  I also got a job, which surprised even me at the time.  I didn’t just get a job, I got 2 offers and had to choose between them.  I also pulled that off just weeks before it would have bankrupted me to pay rent before getting the first paycheck.  My timing does seem pretty amazing, even when I am impaired.

I must have been dating the christian for a few months, because it really hurt her when I sat her down and told her that Candy was coming back to me.  I had to also admit that I had been talking to Candy behind her back, and that I loved Candy all along, even if I was trying to lie to myself about not loving her because she left me.

All of this seems to have wanted to come out of me today because it has been a few months since I had to hurt someone else emotionally, when Candy thought she wanted to leave and somehow we managed to work it out yet again.  I thought there was no way that I could have met someone that I would be so fond of while I was still living with Candy, even if she was planning to leave.  Maybe the fact that she didn’t just eject herself much faster gave me some kind of ability to find and meet exactly the kind of woman I would want to be with after she was gone.

That hurt me this time.  I had a few months to get to know someone who is physically amazing and complex intellectually.  Because Candy was leaving yet again, I was giving myself an opportunity to find the near perfect woman while Candy was still with me.  Of course, the second I find one that seemed to be really compatible, and have real potential, it would be ripped away from me because I cannot resist the loyalty of my love for Candy, and she changed her mind yet again.

Being with Candy for over a decade, I have been through more emotional turmoil than ever in my life.  That is saying a lot, since I lost my very first SSBBW porn site in a divorce when I left Lexi in Florida.  I was so young and foolish and impulsive, and even way back then, I had a level of maturity to realize that I had to leave that situation or I was going to end up getting in more and more trouble over time.

I have managed to resolve a lot of my feelings about Alexis, and what I went through in Florida, but it still impresses me that I was able to walk away from “my baby”.  i cared more about that first website, fatfantasy.net, than I ever cared about Alexis, and that’s exactly why it had to be given up, to save myself.

me and alexis so long ago

me and alexis so long ago

Now I have to deal with unresolved feelings from when I was a total dickweed on Facebook while Candy was gone both times.  I have to deal with the guilt of how I treated all the people involved who were just trying to help Candy, and they didn’t even love her the way I do.  I still have issues with getting intense and typing too much in a place I shouldn’t be while I am somewhat intoxicated, but nothing reaches the level of pure crazy that I dove into while Candy was gone both times.

I had to break someone’s heart because I could not choose them over Candy.  Not just because of the time I have known her, but because the intense level of emotion that has developed over that time.  Now I have to deal with that too.  I’m getting better, not letting myself get as drunk as I used to.  I try harder to resist the temptation to log on to social media when I pass a certain level of intoxication, but sometimes it is just too tempting, and too satisfying.

Writing while intoxicated is something that I picked up as a kind of coping mechanism to deal with the loss and pain of Candy leaving both of those times.  For a period of maybe a year or so since being in Vegas, Candy’s decisions kept me in a kind of emotional stasis where I had to go back to those habits to deal with what I was feeling at the time.

It’s amazing, that Candy and I were falling apart because we were staying in different rooms during the day, and the little interaction she got with me was when I would bust into the bedroom ranting about something on the news or something I saw online.  I failed to see how just being apart from each other, even in the same residence, was slowly destroying our relationship.  It would seem so obvious to anyone on the outside, but I was blinded by my bias, my emotions, and my past experiences.

I’m getting better, I’m writing this on day 6 without a cigarette, or I should say a real cigarette.  I’m still using nicotine replacement, with the nicotine patches and an e-cig, only for use when cravings reach a level of intensity that make me want to give up and buy a pack of cigarettes.  I’m limiting myself to a 12 pack of beer over a 2 day period, trying to give myself a break for a day or 2 between 12 packs.  If I drink more than 6 beers in one day, I am limiting my future intake the next day, and I won’t let myself buy more.

I still get loaded and type, but now my mood is so different.  I’m dealing with a lot of shit, and a lot of unresolved feelings, but I feel as if I am slowly stumbling out of some kind of haze that I have been living in for the past 3 to 4 years.  It’s not just the alcohol, it’s the experience of how different I am and felt before I started drinking to begin with.   It’s not like I am a life long alcoholic, I just started using it seriously after 40, and I’m 46 now.  I used to hate alcohol because I knew it was put in place as a sedative to get people to stop doing ALL OTHER DRUGS, which is pure and total bullshit.

I’m not just for marijuana legalization, I believe that all kinds of psychedelics should be legal too, because humans were given this huge brain to use in ways that our current proper and prudish society are literally SCARED TO USE.  After reading authors like Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert, I realize that there is great potential and discovery in using these drugs to stimulate parts of the brain that were probably created because humans were doing that shit millions of years ago to begin with!  Of course, if you are a hardcore christian, you might believe there is no way this planet can be that old.  That’s why I can’t get along with christians.

I have read studies about using LSD to cure alcoholism, and there are times I have to wonder if I inflicted that horrible disease on myself just to figure out how to cure myself later.  I compare that theory to the way that I suspect some plus sized models have a goal point to reach before they get weight loss surgery and start the process all over again.

I have a lot of crazy theories, and none of the education required to truly experiment with them.  My most intense theories are the ones I have about how one develops a fat fetish to begin with.  That thing about body recognition and a need for a super feminine form is a pretty good one.

Ok, now I’m rambling, and going off course.  This post should have ended when I used the term “over a decade” out of respect to the title. 🙂

 

 

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