Posts tagged las vegas

medical weed is ok now

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and just when will i get that hip replaced? on july 12, 2016 that's when!

Just when will i get that hip replaced?  July 12, 2016 that’s when!

 

Yeah, i did get that hip replaced, and I’m lucky to get medical weed, but then again, i may not be too lucky to get medical weed if I had to get it because I had a failing hip.

If that looks like it hurt, it did.

If that looks like it hurt, it did.

 

Yeah, surgery was not fun.  There was a hole next to that large incision because a draining tube was in there, to make sure I did not have a build up of gross fluid building up inside of the wound after I had parts of my bones cut off and replaced with plastic and metal.  I haven’t had a full size x-ray film to take a photo of since surgery, but I have seen that fake joint in there, on a tiny x-ray in my chart with the orthopedic surgeon, and i will eventually get a larger one.  I will not be getting a MRI on that hip ever again though.  I wonder if I will be able to get a MRI for any part of my body now.

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The wound did heal up nicely, but there is still a depression where that drain tube was, and the scar feels weird, parts of it nearly numb because some nerves were inevitably cut in the operation.  Such a deep wound did not seem to take very long to heal, and I was so very careful about not dislocating the new hip that I probably still don’t use it as hard  or normally as I could.

I still catch myself limping when I don’t have to, fearing that eventually if I walk enough the old pain will return.  There is still pain, but it is different, and not quite as severe.  My mental issues are more of a block to me than this hip is at times, but then again, my body still tries to act like the hip is a problem, since I could not use it for so long that my left leg actually got physically smaller than the right one.

At least I was able to have medical weed before and after surgery though.  I did not have it right after surgery, although that would have been nice.  I should have considered getting my hands on a vaping solution before i got surgery, so I could have gotten high right in the hospital on the down low after surgery.

I did get to smoke in the 2nd week after surgery, when I had a friend sneak some weed and a pipe into the rehab place I was at.  It was kind of a nursing home, my room mate seemed to have had a massive brain injury at some point, and he would talk about having a vagina and a baby on a regular basis.

I wanted to visit him after I got out, and I had to go back to do some paperwork, but I didn’t.  I wanted to get out of there as soon as my business there was finished, even after I said repeatedly that I would use that opportunity to see that guy.  I think I was still guilty about leaving him there, even though he is literally not my problem.

I felt like i helped him to talk more when I was there interacting with him, and I felt badly for abandoning him now that he seemed to be more focused and “present”.  I still have to let that go, it’s not my job, I have my own issues to deal with now that my hip is not my constant excuse to be physically careful, or at least for much longer I think.

I have to wonder if doing a little medical weed would have helped him, but then again, this facility was strictly non smoking, even in an outside courtyard where I was able to sneak it anyway.  Maybe someone knew, and could smell it, or maybe even saw me do it out of a window, but nobody confronted me, and I wanted out of there so badly after I voluntarily put myself there to prevent injuring myself by trying to do too much.

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Now that I’m able to get a bag legally, I can barely afford it!  There is the issue where trying to buy a whole ounce at a time does not make it cheaper anymore, when they try to sell you two half ounces for the half ounce price and won’t give you any discount on volume.  I know, that is the “old days” I guess.  One casualty of the now legal means in which I can buy and own weed without freaking out and being paranoid about it.  On the other hand, I can’t brag too openly about it though, because I don’t want anyone to think I have enough to make it worth harassing me about it.  I don’t sell it, I just take my little card to the local dispensary, one opened up right next to the apartment at some point!

Inyo fine cannabis dispensary

Inyo fine cannabis dispensary literally around the corner

 

This was some surprise to me, when I saw the signs, after the place had already opened up.  I went in and got a gram just because, I could not believe that it had finally happened.  I mean, i was walking in to my very first legal, physically “real” weed dispensary, and it had actually opened up remarkably close to where I was living.

 

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Yeah, I was pretty surprised when I could go over there and walk out with a jar full of weed, a whole ounce, and not the crappy stuff that I was getting when I lived in Louisiana.  This was high grade medical stuff, and even the “cheapest” of that stuff is still amazing and much better than anything I was used to for my entire life before having access to this.

100_8103o

 

I was so shocked to go into a “store” and walk out with a “jar of weed” and it was all legal, and further, my right to treat my pain the way I had become used to was finally validated, after a lifetime of living in the shadows, paranoid of getting busted, worried about getting a record, and worried about how harsh the state of Louisiana would be because they seem to want to lock EVERYBODY up.

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Right now, down in the state shaped like a boot, synthetic weed carries the same penalties for real weed, from what I read recently, but who knows if that’s true?  I know Billy the exterminator, the guy with that show I don’t watch, got busted in some not so cheap hotel in the Courtyard Marriott in Benton, Louisiana with fake weed and he went to real jail…  I won’t go to jail, and I have jars of freaking weed, well, one at a time, there is a 2.5 ounce limit and I never come that close.  I’m not rich y’all!

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I know there was a whole jar there at one point, but I took my time getting around to taking the photo!  There are 2 more jars that I did take the time out to share though!  Next time, the jar gets a photo nearly full of weed, along with a receipt just in case it tries to fade like other receipts from other places have in the past.

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The fire alien super skunk was amazing, but it’s hard to tell the difference between this, the herojuana, and the “outer space” that I got later on.  It is just all so good and gets me so very high!

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These big jars of medical weed are pretty, smell nice, and create an amazing high.  The herojuana was an indica hybrid, whatever that means, no, really, I need to study this stuff.  I know that there are indicas and sativas, and there is this big difference between the two, if you can actually tell once you are high I guess. 🙂

one tiny lil sebastian bud in between two fire alien super skunk buds

one tiny lil sebastian bud in between two outer space buds

 

With cute names like lil sebastian and outer space, it’s no wonder it has taken so very long for the industry to reach specific standards and be taken seriously.  Then again, weed has always been “underground” because it has been illegal for so very long, in fact, it still is on a federal level as of this writing, even if the feds seem to lay off people in states who legally obtain weed with a medical card, like I have.

420

 

This card expired in early 2016, but I have a new one that was renewed, and I will get it renewed again, but the 3rd time I get this card it will be a hell of a lot cheaper!!!  When I got the card, there was only a handful of doctors who would sign a recommendation, but that all changed when the dispensaries opened up everywhere!  It seems that I was right, once more dispensaries were in existence, or at least ONE, there would be much more push to get more doctors to sign those recommendations, because the new dispensaries NEED CUSTOMERS!

 

100_8010o

 

This weed was called “outer space” and as far as I’m concerned, it sent me to outer space just as thoroughly as the “fire alien super skunk” or the “lil sebastian” or the “herojuana” or any of the many strains that I was getting before I knew what I was getting at all because it came in a plastic bag after a transaction in a parking lot!

outer space popcorn buds are so pretty even in the package

Outer space popcorn buds are so pretty even in the package.

 

When I go to list some of the strains of weed that I have been so lucky to get to try in the “tags”, I think it is so awesome that I have finally gotten to match a name with the high, instead of just getting some generic random baggy with a bunch of buds in it that I knew were the right weight, but I knew nothing other than what it weighed, because I could measure that.  I rarely if ever thought to ask about the name of a strain, but I knew that the person could just make it up.

 

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Outer space popcorn buds seems to look kind of purple when photographed with no flash.  It’s still bright green with a flash, and maybe hints of purple here and there between the green.  It’s so pretty, but it’s all going to burn no matter how nice it looks.  There is an exception to that though, if you are going to eat the weed, but not really eating weed, but an extract put into candy.

gedc4248o

 

I like this one, “bears on clouds”.  The only problem is that I wasn’t on clouds after eating it.  I didn’t really feel anything at all, but I am so used to smoking weed, and, if I had smoked any before eating this, I would have just felt whatever I smoked.  I believe that I held out and did not smoke before eating one of these, but then again, I probably would have smoked recently enough before eating this so that I still had residual THC higher than what’s in this thing.  The label had more info though.  Still don’t help me.

gedc4249o

 

Yeah, 25mg, I’m just as lost as if I was trying to figure out exactly what I would feel like after a shot of 40 “proof” vodka in a glass half full of “tampico” juice.  You know that’s not really juice.  It goes so damn good with vodka though, right?  Anyway, I have a pretty good idea how I might feel after 4, 5 and then 6 ice beers that are 5.9% alcohol, but I have not drank vodka in so very long, I can only assume that one shot would feel like one beer once consumed in a mixed drink.  I can’t assume anything though, because after the first shot, each drink would be a double, and then I would start diluting with water but still hitting the vodka, and worst of all, with kool aid, probably pink lemon aid or just plain lemon aid.

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You have to keep that pipe clean, or you are just slapping yourself right in the nuts.  A good way to waste good weed is to try to smoke it through a pipe that has some tiny hole air is sometimes going through.  Burning it so that the stuff liquefies and then sucking through a gurgling, bubbling mess is not going to help either.  I’ve got a system now involving 2 jars, one with rubbing alcohol in it, and the pipe can just soak overnight and a q-tip is more than enough to clean it out.  You need some alcohol soaked wet wipes though to clean your hands after dealing with this stuff, it’s horrible.  Just imagine my lungs!  Geez! LOL

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Yes, I did get it renewed.  I have already had the address changed once, so they sent me a 2nd card, which is cool because usually they ruin the previous one when you get a renewal.  They are so uptight, they don’t even take the ID they issue as proof of ID when you go to the DMV to get an ID… Yeah, if it sounds confusing, just wait until you have to go in there with 2 things that have been mailed to you, and they have to be important, not junk mail.  Then you don’t get a card right there, it’s mailed to you.

That was a real pain when the mail boxes at the apartment got broken into, and I had to take a bus to a post office several miles away to pick up mostly junk with a few important things, like Candy’s fucking ID.  But, it is done, mission accomplished, don’t have to do that again.  I do have to go back to that post office again though because those boxes are still fucked.  I guess it’s even more secure to get mail at the post office than these fucking boxes with the fucking delinquents running around that apartment complex.

gedc4357o

 

I have had the opportunity to smoke some pretty exotic weed in the last few months, or over the course of the last year and a half.  For the first six months that I had a weed card I was still going through a dealer that I was grateful to know.  The prices got much cheaper through the dispensaries though and I was able to pick exactly what I wanted, or I should say, let Candy pick what she wanted, because I still split it with her and she picks the strain.  I just have to hope she keeps it cheap, which she has been, she’s getting just as cheap as I am lately. 🙂

gedc4256o

 

Long buds, short buds, green buds, purple buds, it’s all so good.  I can barely tell them apart, especially if I start drinking that 5.9% alcohol ice beer I was talking about before.  Sometimes a local convenience store gets a deal on some nearly expired craft beer and it can go as high as 8% alcohol.  That totally kicks my ass, I can’t really do a whole six pack of those but sometimes I have mistakenly tried.  I was taking tramadol back then too!  I have quit doing all the pills, or I should say “any” pills, because I only did 2 for pain to begin with.  Any xanax was donated to me and taken as I received it, so I am not “in possession” of it.  That shit is good, but I can’t do it very often at all!

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This beer was amazing, and I can only barely remember it.  I did take a photo of the label though, and it was 8% alcohol.  For a beer, that is powerful.  That’s why the ice beers are so popular, and why they always put “5.9% alcohol” right on the packaging.  They are bragging because they know cheapskates like me are looking for that high alcohol content!

gedc2149o

 

You can almost see the alcohol content.  I must truly love drinking.  I know that the alcohol lobby probably has something to do with the fact that weed is still largely illegal in most states, and currently as I write this, on a federal level.  I also know that it’s not just big alcohol, it’s big pharma, big police unions, big correctional unions, and the power of old people to grasp onto and never let go of status quo.  I hope for a future when people are not being locked up for a freaking plant, but this is the good old U S of A we’re talking about.  Home of the free and the brave, and the highest incarcerated population of any country in the world.  Yes, the entire world.  That world includes Russia and China in my reality, so maybe we should stop making them out to be the big villain all the time at this point.

sushi yo!

 

So much sushi, so little time.  I love sushi, but I can’t really afford it.  It’s a good thing that I have seemingly proved my usefulness with a few very special people, so that this seems to happen every once in a while, and I’m told that I actually deserve it.  I know I’m very lucky, as long as the thread holding my reality together at the seams holds.  If just one segment anywhere important breaks, there is a shitload of trouble coming my way, and all I can do is attempt to brace myself, or in the case of being drunk, not brace myself for whatever comes.

endless shrimp at red lobster yo!

 

Maybe it’s this “endless shrimp mentality” that is causing people to remain so comfortable with the status quo.  There is no reason to keep putting up with the kind of massive injustice that exists in this society, except, it’s just easier to go along, which is actually my philosophy, except for what my fingers decide to type now and then.  If my writing is a rebellion against good writing, it’s also a rebellion against the blind acceptance of the status quo.  I have a fully viewable but still accepting it perception of the status quo.  I may actually register to vote for the first time ever just to vote yes on question 2, which is to basically legalize weed in the state of Nevada, where i live now that I ran away from Louisiana so long ago.  I beat another flood in Baton Rouge this time!

lobster about to get straight up killed yo!

 

I like to watch my food cower in fear before I eat it!  I guess I can’t keep complaining because I have it pretty good, I’m really lucky, and I have just enough friends to get by without getting fucked over, so far.  I want to thank everyone in my life that helped me to refuse to get hip surgery for months and then finally talk me into it in the “last minute rush” to get that appointment when I finally got cut on.  I almost TURNED DOWN THAT APPOINTMENT.  Now I’m glad I didn’t.  I was a little different for a few years that I was in so much pain.  I don’t think medical weed was really enough to help.  I was a real asshole on many occasions, and sometimes I wonder if I was being pushed additionally by the creeping, slowly growing pain in my hip before I got surgery.  Now I watch people I care about suffer because I know that nobody is going to give them this surgery.

dream big... um... yo!

 

I love producing and delivering random content and trying to call it art.  I think it is, but I wonder sometimes, if it was such a good thing that bbw and even ssbbw content became such a regular thing all the sudden.  Like, it’s a very weird trade off with what’s going on.  It’s like fat all the sudden became “ok” with a big woman as long as she is “DTF” in the process of already being big.  I should not and will not get into all of that.  I deleted every post that I created over years because of posts that included comments about women that I myself later felt may be offensive.  I have to change the subject, but I also had to put this photo here and point out the irony.  I am buzzed by now, and I wasn’t when I started this post.  Maybe I saved it to “drafts” because I thought that it needed input from drunk me.

life in the big city... um... yo...

 

I knew what I was in for when I moved to the “big city” of fabulous Las Vegas.  So far, I kind of like it, but then again, I only go out in the daytime and I have not been seriously assaulted yet, so who knows what will happen to my opinion of this place?  I know that I have to accept the over all outcome, which is, I met someone that I believe I was supposed to meet, even if it has NOT BEEN EASY AT ALL TO GET USED TO THE DIFFERENCE.

yo, mountains

 

Life in the big city, with mountains all the way around me, as if I am waiting for water to just fill this place up and wash it away.  it’s beautiful in ways, it’s ugly in ways, it is what it is, and I live here because I chose it, rather than just being dragged somewhere as a baby by someone else and then deciding that I should grow up and die in the very same place myself.

endless houses in the background of a fake house yo...

I’m going to publish this, instead of letting it sit in drafts, and I may come back and do a part 2, but for now, this should just go up as it is… Thanks… I still don’t want to delete this domain name as I let all kinds of others just kind of vanish, or turn into Japanese spam sites, like bbwglamour.com.  LOL

eat yo beets, yo!

Eat those beets!  Oh, I know that there is no way to understand scale and know how large my incision was…

incision!  gross!

food porn

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I never realized how much fun I was having while taking photos of food, until I started to review all of the photos that I have created over just the past few years.

cheesy french fries with bacon

cheesy french fries with bacon

you know, the tragic irony is that i had all my teeth removed, because it was the only way to end the immense pain that i experienced on a regular basis.  now, maybe because i don’t possess the teeth to enjoy it all, based on my own decision, i am more obsessed with photographing food than ever.

chinese hot mustard and ssbbw

chinese hot mustard and ssbbw

The word “dynasty” has the word “nasty” in it, which is ironic, because I’m listening to ‘the prodigy’ “nasty“.

digital red number five

digital red

This is my tribute to the almighty powerful consumer food product consumer for something known as yellow number five.  Even though apples are red, someone, somewhere would probably add some yellow no. 5 just to “zazz it up” a little.

bbq ribs and roast

This was some really sexy meat, at an all you can eat casino buffet in Las Vegas.  I know that you can find a big buffet just about anywhere, but this city is packed full with so many cool places to eat.  There is such a diversity in the people who visit, and that diversity shows in the many types of foods that you can obtain.

Candy has had an opportunity to try out so many foods while living here that may not have been available where we lived before, Baton Rouge Louisiana.  There was quite a selection there too, but mostly the large franchised places that exist just about everywhere.  I am not quite sure if Candy could have found such variety so easily back there.  Russian, Italian, Filipino, Cantonese, Japanese, Korean, and of course Indian food.  All those excellent kinds of foods are easy to find here in Vegas, and Candy didn’t hesitate to try out just about everything she could find.  I think that the only type of food I have seen all over the place here that she hasn’t tried yet is the middle eastern stuff.  Indian food comes close, but it’s not quite like Mediterranean.

taco station at a casino buffet

taco station at a casino buffet

In the casino buffet where a few of these pics are from, they had an assortment of different national foods right there.  In the photo above, there is a taco station in the “Mexican” section, and then right next to that there was a section called “homestyle” or something, and I am guessing it was “southern food”.

southern or soul food section at a buffet

southern or soul food section at a buffet

There was even a section called “American” but I think that was mostly “southern” or “soul food” because of the greens and smoked sausage.  I know there was a section called “international” too, but I could not figure out exactly what that was supposed to be because everything was covered and served by someone behind the counter.

Filipino food cafeteria style

Filipino food cafeteria style

Living in Vegas means that there is a Filipino place in walking distance, right in the parking lot with a strip mall that also includes about 6 other restaurants and a supermarket.  In that one strip mall and enclosed parking lot there is a Jack In the Box, a Taco Bell (new), a China Star (Chinese buffet), and then there is the Filipino place, a Thai BBQ, and one small Chinese place in the strip mall itself.

Oh man, I’m forgetting about a small Mexican restaurant in between all of that!  We’ve never even tried the small Chinese or Mexican places that lie in the strip mall itself, but Candy has tried every restaurant in the parking lot except for the Taco Bell, only because it hasn’t even opened yet.  It will, and that will make the closest Taco Bell in walking distance too, which is ironic because I would be better off walking there to work off the added calories of eating there!

Filipino food cafeteria style

Filipino food really trips me out because there are whole fish in some dishes.  Yeah, head and all.  I’m sure that is similar to some Vietnamese dishes, which I think we have yet to try out so far.  Candy’s favorite dish from the Filipino place is Dinuguan, which i have tried and it just tastes like beef liver to me.  I do like liver though, but there is a very complex assortment of other flavors in the spices they use with it.

Now that I read up on it, I realize that they don’t have to use much liver if the base of the gravy is pork blood.  I guess that’s where the liver or mineral taste comes from.  It is Candy’s fav from the Filipino place around the corner, and every time I end up going there for her, dinuguan is going to be one of the two items in her “combo plate”.

my fav sushi

my fav, sushi

Since I mention one of Candy’s favorites, I am tempted to bring up one of my own, Sushi.  It’s ironic that the selection of delicious looking sushi above was for Candy, not me.  I would end up being happy to take a few photos and then grab my trusted tuna or egg salad.  I’m sure Candy may have slipped me at least one section of one roll, but I would not have taken much if any because this was more of a “prop” than my own personal snack.

tuna sushi roll with ginger and wasabi

tuna sushi roll with ginger and wasabi

I was about to try to figure out the names of everything, then I remembered that I took a photo with the covers on.  While the sushi isn’t as beautiful and delicious looking under the plastic lids, the title of these delicious rolls is written out on them, which is good for a reference later, like now.

sushi rolls with names

sushi rolls with names

The photo above showed just a part of quite a feast.  Those are Italian sandwiches on the left of the sushi, and both the trays of sushi are sitting on a large pizza in a box.  The salt and lemon slices is for the margarita that Candy was making to go along with all of this.  What an excellent feast.

Cantonese, Japanese, Korean food all together

Cantonese, Japanese, Korean food all together

Candy has had quite an opportunity to try so many different things, and at the same time, I am always ready with the camera to capture the look of this or that, even if it is the tenth time I am photographing the same food.

lovely spam musubi

lovely spam musubi

I have to admit that I don’t take photos of each and every food that gets delivered or cooked, but there are times when I am in a mood or the food looks so exquisite that I can’t resist grabbing a few pics.  Now, I am made aware of the term “food porn” and the fact that what I am creating seems kind of close to it.

I realize that I don’t create the same kinds of images that are created by the “food stylists’ who prep food for commercial images, but then again, I create realistic images of real food the way I get it or sometimes the way Candy makes it.

beautiful blt candy made

beautiful blt candy made

I recently made a decision that cost me all my teeth without suitable replacement until I endure some paperwork hassle and probably a lawsuit.  I am not regretting my decision to have all the teeth removed, because I would have probably had one or more dental abscesses by now if they were still around.  I do regret allowing a dentist to take an impression of my mouth while I still had teeth, which I knew was totally backwards.  I complained to her as she was struggling with doing it, and I got no response.  I made the mistake of blindly trusting a “medical professional”, which is something you should NEVER, EVER DO.

Maybe I have such a gripe about weight loss surgery because the few things I have asked medical professionals to do they have kind of fucked it up.  I mean, not having teeth from september of 2014 until now (may 2015) isn’t even such a big deal to me.  I don’t really care about the cosmetic aspect, but the functional eating thing does get on my nerves a little here and there.

For all I know, creating food porn has been a way that I am able to appreciate and enjoy food since I can’t eat it in the typical manner without any teeth.  I can use a heavy duty fork to crush things up and then swish the mashed up food in my mouth to enjoy the full taste, but that isn’t the same as real eating.  I feel like I’m feeding a pet reptile, and that reptile is me.

sexy, delicious, guacamole

sexy, delicious, guacamole

I guess food porn does have a usefulness, because I am able to express myself creatively in the way I perceive food, and at the same time enjoy the food itself on a level that is not possible even with teeth.  I guess I really love the food pics, because taking them can be a creative process in itself, and then seeing them later provides a pleasant memory of foods I have seen no matter if I ate that specific piece of food or not.

I have eaten plenty of sushi back when I had teeth, so now, every piece of sushi that I photograph becomes a part of a collective that I seem to trick myself into thinking I ate.  Therefore, the food porn has allowed me to “virtually eat” some foods that I don’t crave as badly now that I can’t eat them in the way I traditionally would have with teeth.

ahi tuna from outback steakhouse

ahi tuna from outback steakhouse

Not having teeth has been really educational, and now I am just left with the sense of being ripped off.  I worked hard to make sure I would end up qualifying for medicaid legitimately.  The very first big process I wanted to make sure was done was getting all those rotten and half teeth out of my mouth.  I didn’t care so much about having new, perfect, fake teeth, but it would have been nice to be able to use the pair that I did get.

Now I can’t get a replacement for five years unless I pay for them, while I see the dentures I can’t use sitting on top of the fridge every time I go into it.  i guess I left them there to punish myself, and remind myself every day I don’t do something about this that I should.  I adapt so well to new situations though, that not having teeth was something I really don’t notice sometimes.  There are times recently I caught myself about to click my front teeth together like I used to, and they are not even there.

garlic mashed potatoes from outback steakhouse

garlic mashed potatoes from outback steakhouse

I would have to go back to see if my food porn content creation has intensified after having the teeth removed.  It may not have, and even if it did, I’m not sure if that proves anything, but I feel that the food porn has been a helpful part in my adaptation to this new situation.

mashed potatoes and gravy from popeye's fried chicken

mashed potatoes and gravy from popeye’s fried chicken

People use different kinds of “art therapy” and now I begin to feel that food porn is one of mine.  I know I still have issues.  The alcoholism is not really under full control, but I have adapted to a “hard limit” that I have been able to reinforce internally.  That is pretty good, but just one of the initial steps to my control over alcoholism without total abstinence.

little caesars bacon wrapped pizza

little caesars bacon wrapped pizza

Alleged “food addicts” can’t abstain from food, so what does that tell you about every abstinence therapy involved in addiction today?  I don’t think anybody has a clue about how to “fix” addiction, and in a consumer based, capitalist society, I don’t think it’s in anyone’s best interest to do so.

cheese covered chili dog

cheese covered chili dog

I have brought up super consumers over at the blog obesicorp, and I have this running gimmick going on over there about a consulting firm that helps companies make more profit by adjusting their business model to cater to the super consumer.  i wonder sometimes about how my metaphor might be closer to the truth than I realized while creating it.

coconut draining

coconut draining

There was a time when I would rant and rave about an “obesity conspiracy” that would involve fattening people up, then selling them crap that doesn’t work to allegedly shrink them back down.  If the crap that they sold to shrink people back down didn’t work on some individuals, offer one of a variety of surgical options, none of them actually proven to work every time either, sometimes actually killing the person.

salt and pepper wings

salt and pepper wings

That’s when I came up with “shrink’em or kill’em” theory.  Of course, that’s just a tiny part of the entire obesity conspiracy theory, but it’s one of the darkest and most “morbid” parts, because it involves death, and the irony of killing one’s self in order to save one’s life.  Or, I could put it as “risking your life to save it.”

house chicken with lo mein and fried rice

house chicken with lo mein and fried rice

Every doctor that Candy has seen has suggested surgery, and another irony is that she got sick after seeing so many doctors for things that they could not find.  Candy went a few years without seeing a single doctor, and she never got really sick, just has breathing issues.  She starts going to doctors and different places for tests, and she ends up getting a little cold that kicked her ass because her regular breathing issues got worse.  So, seeing a doctor actually made Candy sick.

dumplings delivered without sauce

dumplings delivered without sauce

She’s getting better, but being sick helped her to lose more weight than she has in years.  So, it makes sense to me that there are so many surgeries for weight loss because making someone “sick” actually helps them to lose weight.

beef ravioli from a can

beef ravioli from a can

Ok, now as I come back to add a few more recent photos, I realize how far off track I got when I started this post as “food porn”.  It has taken me days to come back to finish this out of “drafts” and I think I am going to finally let it out!

beautiful fish egg or Tobiko sushi in a rainbow of colors

beautiful fish egg or Tobiko sushi in a rainbow of colors

 

 

 

 

luck

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I don’t like to depend on “luck” as we call it, or think we know it.  I live in Las Vegas, and I don’t really enjoy or feel compelled to gamble.  It’s really ironic to move nearly 2000 miles from Louisiana to Las Vegas and not want to gamble.

I blame it on my cheapness, and my weak but solid knowledge of math, statistics, and odds.  I make one assumption when I walk into one of those massive super store type casinos.  The odds are in the house’s favor.  Beyond that, I realize that any money lost would be a natural consequence for betting against that house.

The cheapskate trait that I have noticed most of my life comes in when I realize all the things I could do with money rather than gamble it away through some lottery or machine.  I also make subtle calculations on how much money I would lose over time if I continued with a regular gambling habit that seemed small.

As cheap as I am, and as aware of odds as I am, I still smoked cigarettes for a few decades on and off.  I had managed to quit before, for over a year, but something would eventually trigger me into going back to it.  I’m only at day 17 and I’m acting like I have beat smoking already, but I am used to using patches and now there is the “emergency e-cig” too.

After just a few weeks, I’m already having dreams about smoking, but instead of fulfilling a fantasy of wanting to smoke in those dreams, they are more like nightmares, because of the feeling of disappointment after taking that first drag on the “dream cigarette”.

I have been in some kind of inner conflict for the longest about if luck is something that really exists, or if an old cliche’ is true about the more you work towards a goal, the more luck you happen to run into.  I don’t test my luck in a casino because just like the psychics like to say “it doesn’t work that way.”

venus von willendorf statue, goddess or first porn model, feedee, and gainer

venus von willendorf statue, goddess or first porn model, feedee, and gainer

When I consider where I am right now, and how things are going, I am forced to remember what it was like when things were so different, and I was so different.  My “growth” was hindered by the abuse of just one drug, alcohol, for months at a time, and I didn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of the situation I was placing myself in.

Now, I have only taken a baby step towards being somewhat “fixed” in quitting smoking.  That is just one little habit in a long line of impulsive behavior I have to gain control over.  In quitting smoking, I have given myself another level of confidence in what I can achieve when I put my mind to it.

The truth is, I was merely procrastinating from quitting smoking because the withdrawal is such a bitch.  I would have done it long ago, as I have a few times before, but I just didn’t feel like the hassle of a few weeks in first world misery.  Once I started using expressions like “first world” more often, I started to realize the arrogance of this concern over such a minor inconvenience.

I was only so “lucky” to get to smoke in the first place because I had the extra income to blow nearly $200 a month on the drug that would probably end up killing me eventually.  It seems so simple, when you think of the assumed logical equation of smoking = death.  Maybe people who smoke have a death wish.  Maybe people who eat themselves up to nearly or over 500lbs also have a similar wish, but it has been modified to abuse a substance that provides life.  Food.

 

I don’t usually post music videos, but I had to give credit to what I chose to listen to while I attempt to finish this blob post without hitting 5000 words, but then again, there is no way I can predict where my stream of consciousness writing will go.

I’m only 2 weeks into quitting smoking, but I already know I will be successful, because I have been reminded in what could be called a “nightmare” that I have to quit, “right now” apparently.  There is some sense of synchronicity in this realization, because Candy experiences such breathing difficulty that she is on 2 different medications now.

I never smoked inside after Candy quit smoking, I started smoking outside before Candy ever quit actually.  I made it a habit, because I always knew I would quit smoking, and I didn’t want my apartment and everything in it to be polluted with that horrible smell after I quit.

After I quit for just a week, i started to experience my true sense of smell again as well.  Now I can taste better, and I can detect so many things in the air around me with a sense that had been dulled for years by this dreadful habit.

I can detect a female that is heavily “scented” from quite a distance.  I can also detect when someone is smoking a cigarette in a very wide area.  I can smell someone close to me and know if they are an alcoholic, or a smoker, or a pot smoker, or a crackhead.

With that realization alone, I am motivated to stay far away from inhaling burning matter on purpose, except for weed of course.  I went to the trouble of getting a card at the DMV from the state of Nevada to get legal permission to smoke fucking weed.  What a rigmarole.

medical marijuana card nevada

i got my medical marijuana card!

I might be “lucky” to have quit smoking when I did, or in the long timeline, it’s already too late and the real tragedy is that I don’t even know it.  Either way, I’ll take a higher quality of life while it is granted to this old, abused body.  I am still trying to become more “enlightened” even though I realize that because of my age and my old ways, it will be much more difficult than a much younger version of me.

There was really no way to break through to younger me though, as it is, I didn’t become a full fledged alcoholic until after hitting 40, and I am already backtracking at 46.  When I gain control over alcohol though, I won’t need to abstain, I will just use it sparingly when the desire arises to reconnect with this aggravating part of myself.

I have had access to more pharmaceuticals than I can pronounce, and I don’t abuse those at all.  I know where that road goes, I chose to start using alcohol when I already knew how fucking serious it was and dangerous that particular compulsion can be to people like myself who have issues with impulse control and procrastination and anxiety and depression.

I lost so much while I chose to experiment with alcohol.  Candy didn’t even know the full extent of her ability to emotionally disconnect and withdraw when exposed to a “typical alcoholic”.  She had family issues going way back with alcoholism, and me being “that guy” brought her back to a family situation that she fled from as a mere child.  There was no way she would tolerate that behavior from me.

I don’t think it’s too late for me though, I started reading “Be Here Now” and it gave me an insight and perception that I had not thought of or realized for a very long time.  It was like reading that first Dianetics book and realizing that there were a lot of statements in there that I “knew already but never thought of in that way.”

I realized as I was reading Be Here Now by Ram Dass how similar his ability to recall things everyone already kind of knows in a different way is to L Ron Hubbard.  The severe difference is that L Ron Hubbard doesn’t write from the perspective of someone who has done LSD.

Ram Dass also traveled India extensively and met with many gurus who made a profound impact on his perception of this reality.  The influence of being on LSD a lot of the time could have impacted or biased that experience, but when you think about it, it would bias it in exactly the direction he was meant to go.

Be here now is all about figuring out the simple truth that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at any given time, given your desire to either find enlightenment or hide from it.

Everyone is on a path, and some people ride that path with blinders on, protecting them from seeing the potential branches that they could take which would change their lives for the better, forever.

I have used “drugs” to open my perception beyond what my bias and upbringing and limited education would allow.  I have expanded the very experience of my reality by opening my mind up to alternate states of consciousness.

People who are all like “drugs, ew” are so “white and uptight” that it kills me.  I can easily see why so many Caucasians will reject the race that they happened to be assigned at birth in favor of one that isn’t so fucking uptight!

I have spent a great deal of time in waiting rooms, getting the much needed and neglected medical attention for myself and “The Candy” simply because the opportunity was provided by this thing “Obamacare” that so many “fake conservatives” are all worked up over.  I dread another “republican in name only” getting into office to destroy any chance I have to get medical care while at the same time creating a moral panic over “obscenity” to appeal to the religious right. 🙁

I have read a great deal of spiritual material in those waiting rooms, and I feel that I am very very far from total enlightenment, but even the very first step towards it is enthralling, exhilarating, and beautiful.

I have realized that no matter who I was, or have been, there is room in my heart for change, for the better.

I know that no matter what beliefs I have stubbornly held onto in the past, I can see the “big picture” just a little clearer now.  I know that my dependence on any substance has been some kind of false idol that I worship and make sacrifice to in order to maintain my personal status quo of procrastination.

If the first step in solving a problem is admitting there is a problem.  I passed that little nugget of self awareness months, if not years ago.  I just needed a reason to grow emotionally.  I needed to find hope and salvation in the potential of a future I really wanted in order to make myself prepared and available for that future to occur in this reality.

Now, as I take the baby step of quitting smoking, I realize that there is something in my distant future that requires and demands that little positive change in order to allow a chain of events to occur.  I am thinking of time a little differently now.  Instead of thinking of time on a straight line, I can see how the present intersects with the future due to consequence in ways that I could not see or did not want to see before.

The simple act of quitting smoking has caused me to begin to realize a whole set of new future realities, that never would have occurred to me without having had the experiences I have had, good and bad.

If I had not gone through so much bad shit, I would not have had the motivation or inspiration to continue to get better, and continue to grow spiritually.  When I say grow spiritually, do not confuse that with the whole fucked up and contradictory phenomenon known as “religion”.

They are not the same, and can’t be, because current mainstream eastern religion inhibits personal growth by keeping women down and restricting sexual behavior.  It will always seem back woods and “redneck”.  Just look at any given argument against “same sex marriage”.

I have to laugh when I see what bigoted fools the highly reverent and religious are making of themselves to this current, slightly more enlightened generation.

Maybe I am so lucky, because while in one of my altered states of consciousness, I had this crazy idea of leaving everything I knew so well to travel west and land in allegedly fabulous Las Vegas.  I followed some sense of what I know will happen in the future.  I know that Louisiana will be one of the very last hold outs to legalizing marijuana.

I know that as voters turn down medical marijuana in the deep southern state of Florida, voters in Nevada approved medical marijuana over a decade ago, but the state of Nevada is pussyfooting around because they are so scared of being hassled over “gaming”.  Dicks.

I think that I realize just how lucky I am, to have moved to where I did, just when I did, and follow a highly disciplined regimen of living on next to nothing for over 3 years.  It sounds totally crazy, even to me, but I seem to know what’s coming, and I am planning every step of the way before I even realize what I am planning for.

Everything just happens as it is supposed to.  I take limited risks in tiny micro social environments, and I create an outcome that I really want.  I am faced with a challenge larger than I have ever attempted in all my life in the future.  I have to make everything exactly the way I want it, in a way that is even more perfect than I have set it up in the present.  The scary part is, I know I am capable of doing it, and it will be done.

I am just that lucky. 🙂

unexpected korean food

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Well, I was impressed yesterday with the delivery of some food that Candy ordered kind of by accident.  She was browsing this new listing on “grub hub” and it was a Korean, Japanese, and Chinese variety type of restaurant.  It was just out of curiosity that Candy would fill out a whole menu order, just to see how much it would cost to experiment a little bit with a food that she had never tried before.

The menu was impressive, and Candy was just playing around, so she picked out about $60 worth of stuff.  She believes that she would have just closed the window at that point, or switched to doing something else, but somewhere along the line, she must have hit “enter” or clicked the one button to complete the process.

I was glad that I was actually home at the time it arrived, because I had just been out to do an errand, and Candy would have not wanted to answer the door.  She would have been nude as well, so she would have had to travel all the way across the apartment and back in order to answer the door at all.

She would have probably assumed that the knock on the door was just a solicitation and ignored it, until they called her to tell her that the order was there and nobody was answering.  It never came to that though, the faint initial knock was heard from the kitchen just before Candy was about to make a B.L.T. and a fruit smoothie.

SSBBW Candy does Korean and Japanese food

SSBBW Candy does Korean and Japanese food

There was a moment of confusion at the door with the driver, because Candy never told me she ordered, so I asked her.  With the guy at the door, she’s like “I didn’t order anything.”  The guy looks at his phone and says her name, and verifies the apartment number.

I realized that Candy had probably already put down the cash on this, so it would be ridiculous to attempt to deny the order and send it back expecting a refund.  I told him that she just started a new medication and accepted the order.

Having been a delivery driver so many years into the past, you don’t want to be at the door with this kind of confusion going on, because it could be a much more sinister plot, and I know it would cause anxiety for him.  I made a snap decision based on the entirety of the situation, knowing that the food would end up getting tossed, and Candy would be pissed that the money wasn’t going to be refunded.

Candy had a moment of freaking out, where she was like “I don’t remember ordering that!”  She knew she had been playing around with that restaurant’s menu, but she swore up and down that she didn’t click “finish order”.  As a result, she took a credit card number off the site so she would be forced to endure the whole process of entering it before an order could possibly be made by mistake or subliminal “hangry” slip of the finger.

Candy had been waiting all day for the delivery of a device that would be used for breathing treatments.  For some reason, she put on make up early, and hours later, her eyes were burning with the eye liner she applied earlier.  She was impatient, hungry, and she really wanted to order a big selection of Mexican food.

I never understand how Candy wants to continue experimenting with Mexican food because she doesn’t really like cilantro very much.  Her taste palate is so very sensitive that she somehow picks up a “soapy” taste with that herb.  It is used very predominantly in Mexican food, so she is taking a calculated risk with each attempt to order it.

The restaurant that Candy was checking out was kind of expensive, almost unnecessarily so.  Japanese restaurants are not usually known for being very cheap, but the thought of Korean food makes me think that it should be more along the cost level of Chinese food.  Either way, Candy picked out some exotic things that she had never tried, but assumed she might like.

Going over the receipt online after consuming all of it, she would call out the cost of each item in amazement and disappointment for how little food there actually was.  Candy would express her regret by breaking down how she could have ordered food 3 different times for the cost of that 1 time, and it would have been an immense amount of food, if the type was a little less expensive!

Because of this expense, and because Candy had already mentally prepared herself to do a video eating Mexican food, she was ready to jump in there and consume the Korean and Japanese food for a video as if she had gotten exactly what she wanted, but she didn’t.

The food was really good, according to her, there was so little of it that I only had a teaspoon of broth that came with one of the dishes.  I was satisfied with that one taste because I could sample the flavor palate of that type of food for the first time in my life myself.  I’m not as driven to experience new and different foods as Candy is though, so I’m content with a can of tuna, some mayo, salt and pepper, a slice of cheese, and 2 pieces of toast smashed down into it so they soften up.

Without mentioning it repeatedly, all my teeth were removed in mid September of 2014, and the dentist fucked me over and tried to make a mold for dentures while I still had teeth.  It is March of 2015 and I am still fighting with insurance over those fucked up dentures.

That is only relevant in the fact that eating has changed so much for me in that time.  I can almost experience Candy’s wonder and satisfaction with new foods merely by filming her eating them.  Even more, watching the videos later in review and editing also seems to have the same effect.

I realize that mirror neurons are at work when people get off on porn, but I didn’t realize until I started creating feeder and feedee content that there also seems to be something at work in that arena as well.  By watching Candy eat these things, and enjoy them with such immense appreciation, I feel like I am enjoying them as well.  When she smiles big because she is about to tear into some huge feast that most people could not begin to eat, I can feel her excitement and anticipation as if I am her for that brief moment.

That’s probably crazy talk in and of itself, but after editing hundreds, or maybe thousands of videos, something has started to sink in over time.  I always thought I was destined to create “fat porn” the way I like it, the way I wish there was more of back when I was going through puberty and ordering VHS tapes in the mail with lawn cutting money.

Now, I have created thousands of hours of feeder content.  It wasn’t what I used to masturbate to, because I was always a fan of full on hardcore with visual penetration and hopefully a facial that the model doesn’t flinch or gag during. 🙂

I used to express frustration in the way that the very few SSBBWs participated in the creation of the content that I enjoyed watching for that purpose.  I wondered why they would veer off into more fetish areas like squashing, eating, and being dominatrix types.  I am surprised by my own vanilla tastes in porn considering how I am attracted to women who have a BMI that would be considered super morbidly obese.

I am not into immobile women either.  I had that whole experience with Alexis in Florida creating fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net.  She was already on oxygen when I met her, and now Candy needs breathing treatments.  It really frightens me that she allowed this to progress to such a level, when I would have been happy creating hardcore content.  The truth is, she could never get as excited about making hardcore or even fetish content as she would be making feeder content.

Being as adaptive as I am, I would have sensed this eagerness to produce something rather than nothing, and I ran with it.  I am a classic enabler for that reason.  At least I am an unwilling enabler, so Candy knows that I will not encourage behavior that I know will hurt her over time.  I’ve read a lot of zodiac stuff lately because of Twitter, and from what I’ve seen, Aquarius are very future oriented.

I had this conflict of interests going on, between what I like to see, and what Candy wanted to do.  Candy would win, because she is already my volunteer subject, and I am grateful for her to do anything in front of the camera I operate.  She is the only one who does appear in front of my camera, and I believe it is not out of circumstance, but by choice.

I have experimented with the idea of working with other people, or bringing in other people to work with Candy, but unfortunately, that whole experience usually came along with some kind of sexual contact with people other than her.  For years she was cool with this type of situation, but back in 2008 I sensed that she was growing weary of it, and I stopped attempting to recruit new models.

Now, I realize that I still have the ability to recruit, and if anything, it’s like riding a bicycle.  Once you have had that experience of identifying and talking to the right potential candidates, it is so much easier than most people could imagine.  If i walked into a bar with a professional looking video camera after midnight, I would probably get flashed by a few women who just didn’t give a fuck.  That doesn’t mean they would model while sober, but the intent is there, and sometimes, all it takes is the right person to pull it out of them.

Now i have gotten way off course, but I started out wanting to describe one event, and I was hopelessly compelled to jump into a much more vast sea of thought.  I realize that is one of my writing weaknesses, and something I have to work on.  When I start writing though, I don’t always know exactly what direction I am going to go in when I start.

Blogging is such a string of consciousness type of writing, I never even usually do much more editing than the first draft.  I’m sure it shows, but like an episode of Saturday Night Live, there might be %20 of really relevant and interesting info, and about %80 of me trying to figure out what is interesting to me.

I scroll back up to the title, almost intending to change it, but “unexpected korean food” is catchy, and I like it.  This whole stream of thought began there, and I had this whole route I wanted to take, describing this food in intimate detail, maybe using this page as a notepad for remembering the foreign names to all these dishes that I have never tasted, and still haven’t.

What a segue back to the point, huh? 🙂

Candy is able to enjoy a virtual trip around the world by just eating from each country that is widely available in the diverse food climate of Las Vegas.  There is just about every type of food here that you can imagine, almost all available to order, and all catering to a diverse climate of tourists from all over the world.  I saw someone say on the show “No Reservations” that people come half way around the world to gamble in Las Vegas, and when they get hungry, as far as they are from home, they want to have a taste of it while they are here.

Because there are people coming to Las Vegas from all over the world, you don’t just have “Chinese food”.  You have authentic Chinese dishes that you never would have heard of at your local Chinese buffet.  There are dishes from Japan, China, and Korea all in one place, and they are all prepared in such an authentic manner as to impress people who just ate those dishes in those respective countries.

In the case of the mysteriously ordered Korean and Japanese food, I want to run down some of the dishes that Candy was able to sample, because I have just realized after needing to take a break to help Candy out with some stuff, I am spending a tad too much time here.

buta no kakuni

buta no kakuni

Candy really enjoyed this, and she should have, because the small platter with 3 or 4 pieces of pork and a piece of radish was kind of pricey.  I tried a teaspoon of the broth, and it was awesome, but there was no way I would be sampling meat from such a small selection available!  The restaurant where Candy obtained this says that it is 5 hour braised pork belly.  Sounds delicious!

buta no kakuni

buta no kakuni

The wider shot shows nearly all the meat that was in this tray, along with a close up view of what Candy is assuming was a piece of daikon radish.  Everything smelled so great, and Candy was able to finish off everything on the evening it was ordered, so I can tell she really did like it.  More information on that dish could be found here.

http://norecipes.com/recipe/buta-no-kakuni-recipe/

char siu porkbelly with steamed bun

char siu porkbelly with steamed bun

The next dish was Char Siu pork belly with steamed bun and baby spinach leaves with cucumber.  Candy really liked this one too, although again, this was a relatively small portion for the cost.  I don’t try to be cheap when it comes to the food that Candy really wants to try, but she is the one who is disappointed to see what looks like less food than one Chinese lunch special in 5 dishes worth $60.

Not being totally sure exactly how to eat it, Candy makes little sandwiches with the steamed buns and the pork, along with the little veggies too.  That worked out pretty good for her, she was using a steamed bun to wipe up the pork belly sauce from the bottom of that tray.

Here is some more info on char siu pork belly preparation.  This is where I realized that this dish is Chinese and Cantonese and not actually Korean, even though the place Candy ordered from had a Korean theme with Chinese, Cantonese, and Japanese dishes available.

http://rasamalaysia.com/char-siu/

karaage chicken with kewpie mayo and mixed salts

karaage chicken with kewpie mayo and mixed salts

Karaage is the name of a Japanese cooking technique where meat is deep fried in oil, just like french fries.  One dish that Candy ordered was karaage chicken with Kewpie mayo and mixed salts.  The technique is similar to tempura but obviously the batter is different, just like American fried chicken.  Candy enjoyed this just as much as she would have fried chicken, but I’m sure that she wished there was more of it there!  These little trays were pretty small as it is, the mayo and mixed salts nearly took up as much room as all the chicken.  There may have been five or six pieces of chicken in there, and Candy loved it, but she can tell that the Japanese tendency to eat smaller portions doesn’t seem to work very well for her.  Of course.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karaage

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mayonnaise#Japan

Korean galbi bbq short ribs

Korean galbi bbq short ribs

When I review all of the dishes, it appears that one was Japanese, another was Cantonese, and finally I get to a Korean dish.  I was totally misusing the hash tag Korean Food Pics on Twitter, my bad.  The small selection of galbi bbq short ribs was highly satisfying to Candy, but again, the portion size was a serious issue for her.  For the cost of this dish, she could have had me pick up an entire side of ribs and slap them in the oven, but again, this was more than just an eating experience, it was a cultural experience.  I had the opportunity to learn about this food just like she had the opportunity to eat it.

The ribs were cut thin, and served with white rice.  Candy didn’t need to use any of the mixed salts, Japanese mayo, or hot mustard on these.  They were quite tasty, and I noticed that she seemed to enjoy them to the degree that I had to stop everything and get more of a close up on her face as she ripped the meat from the bones with her teeth, eating with her cute fat little sausage fingers.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galbi

wagyu beef, pork belly, and beef tongue kushi

wagyu beef, pork belly, and beef tongue kushi

The next and final plate was a 3 way of kushi.  I looked that up, and it’s a Japanese technique for cooking on skewers.  In the case of these 3 samples of kushi, they were all prepared over binchotan charcoal and served with mixed salts as well in the little tubs.  This is another dish that is actually Japanese inspired, if the name kushi was given to the preparation.  Yet another item that I attached to Korean food photos on twitter mistakenly because Candy just said “Korean restaurant” without telling me it was an Asian variety restaurant with a Korean theme.

There was wagyu beef kushi, which Candy really liked, and when I research it, this name is also associated with kobe, which is another cut of meat that you are going to be paying a bit more for than you would for domestic beef.  That’s why each one of these little entrees was around $8.  Again, this was an accidental order, and at the time she did it, she says she wanted Mexican food.  She still wants Mexican food, so that will probably be her next trip on her food around the world tour.  She won’t stop there though, she already has plans to explore each region in South America in the process.

Back to the kushi though, there was also pork belly kushi, and you know she loved that.  The final one was beef tongue kushi.  Candy mentioned that the beef tongue was kind of unique, and while she ate the hell out of it, that’s something she might not be so eager to go for in the future.  Pork belly is always a safe bet, because it’s basically bacon, and you know Candy loves some bacon.  The wagyu beef seemed kind of wasted on her, because she would have been just as happy with much larger chunks of domestic beef on more than 3 little skewers.

When I ask Candy to recollect exactly what she thought of these, she said that the only one she really liked was the wagyu beef.  She said the tongue was interesting, but she would not get it again.  I may have said that but I took a break and don’t feel like reading back.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kushi_(skewer)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binch%C5%8Dtan

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wagyu

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pork_belly

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beef_tongue

ssbbw candy godiva and the japanese korean feast

ssbbw candy godiva and the Japanese Korean feast

It was a surprise when it showed up, but once it did, and Candy got over the shock of having accidentally ordered it, she consumed every single bite, even if some of these dishes were not her favorite ever.  This was an experience that was quite unique, because Candy often makes a plan for exactly what she wants to eat, and then goes about doing everything in her power to get it.  On this occasion, I wonder if her order was accidentally on purpose, because she was just curious about Korean food, and she did go to the effort of creating this exact order, even if she was playing fantasy football with food choices.

ssbbw candy godiva has an ice cream snack (peppermint)

ssbbw candy godiva has an ice cream snack (peppermint)

Candy was able to finish off that entire feast, although it was barely half of what one big Chinese lunch plate would include, or a crap load of burgers and fries, or so many chicken nuggets that Candy would never want to eat one again in her life.  That evening, after the last of the Japanese and Korean feast was finished, she still wanted something sweet.  Peppermint ice cream did the trick, while I waited on a data transfer to make more room on her C: drive.

This was a really fun experience, even if most of that day was spent doing work on other things while waiting on a delivery to show up, so that Candy could accidentally order food to show up even later, just before trying to cook something she thought she really wanted.  The day after this feast, Candy didn’t waste any time to whip up a BLT sandwhich along with a bowl of left over chili with beans over white rice.

Another blog post must come to an end, it seemed like it would never end, and I am the freaking one writing it! 🙂

 

disclaimer

2

i thought it would be appropriate to take a moment, in the exact moment when ‘the buzz’ hit.  just 2 beers would be enough for that tiny, starter buzz on alcohol.  oh, it’s sweet.  you want to sit back and smile for a second, just taking in the realization that you are lucky enough to be drinking this substance, feeling its effects, and not being fucked with by anything or anyone at any moment.

giant futon, nearly too big

giant futon, nearly too big

of course, there is the possibility that Candy might want something, but the probability is low currently because of a recently delivered cup full of green colored lemon lime flavored Kool aid, plus the second half of a huge plate of Panda Express take out that was created earlier today.

seattle, lucky bastards, celebration when the new legalization of cannabis goes into effect

seattle, lucky bastards, celebration when the new legalization of cannabis goes into effect

i wanted to drunk blog a sec.  yeah.  fucking yeah!  no, not really.  it’s not just the beer, the ice beer at %5.9 alcohol, it’s also the ‘spice’.  i picked up a variety from a smoke shop that is on Swenson right around the corner.  the place across the street has a few varieties, but this one seems to have some kick to it.  i wish i knew the exact chemical formulation of each variety that i am so willing to be a test subject for.

taco bell feast, may not have been in a video... ever... not that particular one... :>

taco bell feast, may not have been in a video… ever… not that particular one… :>

Candy should be my ‘drug’.  She is, actually.  On any given moment, if anything I perceive is ‘wrong’ where to happen, just touching her would immediately bring me to a place where i am solid, resolved, and i can handle any kind of shit i have to in the given moment.  i can think of myself as lucky to be granted with that rare opportunity.  i get to be around this wonderful person almost all the time.  i take a moment, frequently, and remember how lucky i am, for so many reasons.

400 million, it's a 'thing'

400 million, it’s a ‘thing’

when i think back to the way i was about 15 years ago, i would say that i was pussy whipped and a virtual slave.  now, i have to recognize that because of the unique combination of chemicals released in my human brain while i am around her, most of the time, i can say, as the same ‘person’, over a decade later, that i am lucky and proud to be in the position of being a slave to the most amazing person that i have had the good fortune to have met and been given the opportunity to have and lose so many times in this fleeting thing we call a life bound by the thing we perceive as reality.

run on sentences, i know.  maybe i’ll edit later.

ambulance rip off

ambulance rip off

i’m laying it on, maybe i should hit ‘the diph’.  whoa.  diphenhydramine.  why give me hydroxyzine when there is already diph?  i’m probably spelling it wrong, but the spell check messes up prozac.

photo in time article called 'your brain in love'. damned feeders...

photo in time article called ‘your brain in love’. damned feeders…

i got all juiced up, let myself log in here, and started freaking Depeche Mode Black Celebration entire ‘album’.  yeah, those big things.  oh god i’m so fucking old.  i know, i’m supposed to be ‘positive’, but i keep busting my own balls because i have paved a path of unnoticed injustice and irrelevant malevolence. in this ‘thing’, i can at least call myself an asshole and it might do somebody some good, hopefully me, maybe even someone else.

mrbigfatvideo fat youtube termination

mrbigfatvideo fat youtube termination

i’m not going to ‘hit the diph’ tho.  as wild as i will let myself run barefoot in the interwebs, i won’t go all crazy and shit.  i never did get my nitrous oxide tho… that would be ‘doing it big’ you know.  lol  that shit is like food related and entheogen related!  no way!  who cares?  cannabis cures cancer!  yeah right.  who cares?  really?  anyway… lol no context… it’s so fucked up.  at least i can type fuck and not f8ck like i feel compelled in facebook.  daring them all the time to delete me while i censor myself. sad. 🙂

megacandyfan fat youtube termination

megacandyfan fat youtube termination

i have to put it out there, because i have to say, honestly, if i’m going to be all neutral and shit… there is a lot of shit going on all over the place all over here all the time.  as a ‘maybe local’ i need to get my shit together.  i also have to say, up front, as much as the asshole who used to write this thing may have talked shit about any kind of attempt to get any social group going, forget all that shit.  i think i was playing a character who cared about that shit so much, when he could use it, like any distraction, to avoid his own problems. 🙂  I am fortunate to be able to say that money isn’t an issue to going to this thing or that thing, but the problem is there is ‘everything’.  there is also the limitations that i have learned are holding Candy back, and i have learned nearly the exact degree that she may be able to get away with and handle easily.

obesiverse fat youtube termination

obesiverse fat youtube termination

after all, this woman wanted to move to freaking vegas, she spent 3 days cooped up riding shotgun in the too small cab of a big ass moving van to get there.  she did suffer though.  either way, she wanted it, she’s got it, and now i got to make this shit happen.  i’ve been a lazy fuck.  honestly.  getting back somehow to a point if there is one because this is admittedly intoxicated writing.  we can’t go to ‘everything’.  we could go to this and that, but it’s not a big ambition, and there isn’t a big drive inside of us to justify spending the money it would take to even attempt to go to everything.  i am ‘here’, so there are probably ways i could contribute to this or that, but i have never put myself out there, and people in those circles do not have incentive to involve just anyone local because of so many people who run cons and shit out here.  i think i’ve afflicted Candy with my cheapness too… instead of spending hundreds on this or that thing, she would rather split it up into food frenzies and clothing sprees.  she knows i want to blow 300 or so on a ‘quad core 8gb ram 2 terabyte hard drive’ machine that i would build myself for just that much, and she knows that i could afford it but i put it off because i keep getting by with what i have because it works.  i kind of want it, but whatever.  not many people do that it seems. 🙂

luvembigger fat youtube termination

luvembigger fat youtube termination

i’ve always been a 20K guy.  i’ve had the choice to go higher at times, but in the worlds that i have participated in, from one end of the spectrum to another, i was just more comfortable in that area.  kind of sad.  but…  it lowered the bar on how much i had to make to just sit on my ass and ‘be my own boss’ and all that jazz. 🙂  so… it’s like being ‘poor by choice’ but not really suffering as a result.  if anything, we’re not taking advantage of our poorness to the point we could be and it’s not uncomfortable. 🙂

black diamond bontanical incense

black diamond bontanical incense reviewed

i was lucky that i chose to acquire car repair skills and computer repair skills, because it lent a hand in the situation that i happened to end up in, by choice, or by the sum of several small choices.  i could maintain an old piece of shit to the point where i’m not making payments, only paying liability insurance, and whatever seems to go wrong by will of god or fate has not prevented me from fixing it so i can keep driving it.

microwave pastry

microwave pastry

i don’t have to make a lot, and so therefore, i choose not to, and now, of course, the additional incentive of ‘affordable care act’ is quite attractive. 🙂  i used to criticize this stuff, and now i’m like “bring it on! where’s my free shit?”  i’m legit.  i pay my taxes, i’m part of the ‘working poor’ even if i’m ‘self employed’. 🙂  fucking reality.  gotta love it.  i had to switch over from depeche mode to duran duran, namesake album, entire album.  ‘anyone out there?’

ssbbw candy godiva withy almost $60 in panda express take out

ssbbw candy godiva withy almost $60 in panda express take out

this blog would come into being shortly after the announcement of the ‘end obesity in a generation’ campaign.  i don’t have the credentials, but i would love to have offered several opportunities to get to the bottom of this whole ‘obesity thing’. 🙂  for example, my desire to get access to an entire group of ‘super morbidly obese’ individuals in a MRI session that could accommodate them, to further explore the potential neurological links between them in order to find the ‘common thread’ that is so important in finding an eventual resolution.

way too much panda express!

way too much panda express!

yes… the answer… a resolution… now… think about that for a second…  big food…. food inc…  they might not be too happy with all of that.  they are an ‘ally’ in the way that they are the only force that stands in the way of full out war on anything with the ‘obesity’ tag associated with it.  obesity is the enemy!  obesity is fatal!  obesity is the devil!  omfg who do we burn first?  hahahaha

one toaster oven cooked, frozen, fried shrimp

one toaster oven cooked, frozen, fried shrimp

we can’t just ‘solve obesity’ in the sense that we can keep over consuming mass quantities of shit that is obviously not good for us.  it’s sold to us every two to three minutes on all cable networks twenty four hours a day seven days a week.  fucking right we have marketing dominance.  hire billy mayes, wait, he’s dead, the austrailian guy… whoever… 🙂  we can’t eat as much as we want as often as we want and sit around without a consequence.  that’s part of ‘the balance’.  if we could ‘solve obesity’ in one swipe, then america and china would starve the rest of the world immediately.

ssbbw candy godiva behind $58 worth of panda express take out

ssbbw candy godiva behind $58 worth of panda express take out

so then…  it’s the compulsion to eat mass quantities.  wonder why?  i’m sure that all of the neurologically sensitive ingredients like MSG don’t have anything to do with it, or AD-36 the ‘fat virus’, or genetic tendency towards obesity when the mother is obese while pregnant…  Maybe the fact that we are raised generation after generation with more and more convenience and a lack of physical activity.  If I dare to mention ‘the balance’ then i have to take many more variables into consideration for meaningful insight.  the balance would dictate that obesity is a future consequence, not an epidemic.

breaded fried shrimp with tail, heated in toaster oven and further browned as well

breaded fried shrimp with tail, heated in toaster oven and further browned as well

forget all of that… personal responsibility!  willpower!  your a failure!  buy this!  buy that!  lol that’s what it’s all about, the hustle…  capitalism, glorious capitalism.  i lick the tip of your powerful, glowing, pulsating cock every day!  you are my god, in you i trust!  lol  weird… make a note.  it’s like i’m obligated.  while i ‘own the name’ obesiverse, i am the god of obesiverse.  i am, therefore, ‘obesiverse’.  while i may not value the essence of what i have created over time, i can’t deny the fact that it did penetrate certain areas of interest because of it’s absolute literary insanity.

ice. time is slower, colder.

ice. time is slower, colder.

if you were given the opportunity to just ‘switch’, with an alternate personality, that was only slightly different, would you do it for the sake of helping not only yourself, but those around you who were just generally ‘good’ and ‘cool’?  freaking five year thing.  hard to describe.  it’s not even fucking on time, fucking actual ‘b day’ is still far off, but not really, because time is relative, and i seem to enjoy experimenting in tricks that make time go by faster, or slower, or ‘not at all’?

sweet, pork shoulder roast bone in that i just made left overs from

sweet, pork shoulder roast bone in that i just made left overs from

all of the output, of the blog, in the past, might have been a way to create an entire alternative reality, and then, like some ‘god’, destroy it.  entirely.  anything looking back would become a pillar of salt like biblical stuff that i don’t want to research in this moment.  i may have created it, as i had pondered, just to destroy it.

ssbbw candy godiva cut into that pork roast!

ssbbw candy godiva cut into that pork roast!

before being all deep, it’s actually just a matter of domain renewal.  the second somebody doesn’t keep up with that shit it’s over with.  it’s not like i can’t pay the $12 a year, it’s like, do i ‘want’ to pay it and keep this name around?  this ‘name’… this ‘character’, that at times i think i would hate right now…  hmmm…  i’m laughing right now, but i stopped the music because Candy reminded me i should be doing something else.  🙂

ssbbw candy godiva thumbs up on pork roast

ssbbw candy godiva thumbs up on pork roast

it’s so funny, just to me, maybe… maybe… 😉   there is no fucking context!   i’m locked in here with the 2D thing or something.   omfg i’ll probably want to delete it.  maybe not, it might be funny.  🙂

ssbbw candy godiva, X2, with food

ssbbw candy godiva, X2, with food

man, inxs kick full album kicks ass…  the mood has passed, and i’m over 2000 words yet again… 🙂

 

 

is it art?

0

All of the previous writing, gone.  All of the negative, maybe a little positive, mostly weird, is gone.  Part of me thought it might have been interesting to read the progression of my blog writing journey all the way back from the beginning.  I didn’t want to do that though, because as I said in the previous post, it was mostly crap.  If I didn’t want to read it over again, I didn’t want it around so I would have to make adjustments later, if anyone actually confronted me to.

lets get sushi, and not pay

let’s get sushi, and not pay

It’s ironic, that I’m drawn back to use this thing to procrastinate some more, but I have a time and word limit that I’m going to stick to. 🙂

I wondered if the writing, as bad and incoherent as it was at times, and still is, could still have been considered ‘art’.  If I were to go to the trouble of putting every word of it on a t-shirt, would the design have been ‘cool’.  If the mindless stream of text could decorate something that wasn’t meant to be read, would it be art?

chicken, fried glorious chicken!

wonderful chicken

There is a ‘back up’ somewhere on my drive that was created the last time I did a wordpress update, but it’s likely that when I find it, I would easily delete that file too.  The only way to sift through it’s contents now would be to expand it somewhere else, just to read all of it over again and see if there was a way to rearrange it into a book that could actually sell.  Then I remember, with my style of writing, nobody would want to buy that book.

IMG_0218

Even if I were to unfold the last update that I created some time in the past that I don’t exactly remember, I still wouldn’t do it on ‘this’ domain.  Now, any past quotes or references I have made could be easily disputed because I don’t stand behind them enough not to delete them all after almost exactly five years, and I would be shamed if I’m even wrong about that.

black diamond, notice it says lab tested not to contain such and such

black diamond bontanical incense packet (back)

I had to evolve, and hopefully, advance even slightly in my own degree of enlightenment, which I know is very far away from perfection or even mere elegance.  I’m still a child of this world, and there are times I think my writing would have inspired people to believe I was a ‘special’ child.  Not special in the gifted way, but special in the small bus way. 🙂  I hope that’s not insensitive.  Oh there I go.

this ssbbw is about to get on a scale and the scale says "help!"

ssbbw about to get on a scale, video was too “graphic” for fat hating youtube

Nothing I wrote so compulsively or obsessively or belligerently meant anything, even to me.  There was no fame to my game if I couldn’t feel proud of what I was doing, and because of my bad habit of being a lazy writer, I wasn’t putting enough effort into it.  {taking responsibility?} Maybe I don’t believe most of it is particularly helpful because of my sometimes randomly varied stations in life.  If anything, I was self absorbed, self important, judgmental, juvenile, selfish, and sometimes just plain mean and hateful.  I’m sure that I’m similar to many other fellow humans when I admit to having occasional weird, rushing thoughts, but the act of spontaneously putting them out there to such a degree was ridiculous.

venus figurine, first human sculpture obese

venus figurine, first human sculpture obese

Instead of writing so much for occasional long periods, I should have been working harder to make those ‘first drafts’ into something that people could actually follow.  If I was any better at ‘telling a story’, people would be more entertained with what I come up with instead of seeing the length of a piece and thinking “you’ve got to be kidding me, that shit is too long!”  I also think putting an occasional photo in there now and then couldn’t hurt, because in the long run, my ‘real job’ involves using images to draw traffic and hopefully generate at least some revenue.

ssbbw candy godiva third breast belly

ssbbw candy godiva third breast belly

I didn’t take writing seriously, because it’s not my job, I didn’t get paid, and I did it ‘my way’ instead of giving it more careful thought and consideration into how it could be a benefit instead of a confidence stealing liability.  If I could have created something that was always on point, stuck with a  point, made sense, and contained sensible humor I might have been more inspired to have created something far better than the mediocre and crazy looking thing that I created with this blog over the past several years.

small bird, big plant, las vegas

small bird, big plant, las vegas

If I was writing in some kind of ‘personal journal’, at least it might be therapeutic and private, but putting all that random thought out there was in appropriate and strange.  Maybe I can feel more inspired to create something more positive in the long run by using my past experience to translate into solutions for modern day problems people really have.

what's with the cats?

what’s with the cats?

I looked it over and really did think to myself, “if I wouldn’t want to go back and read it, why am I putting it out there?”  So many times I would just reinvent the wheel instead of making any valid or good point that hadn’t already been talked about a thousand times before.  To top it off, I was taking away time from doing things that I should really be enjoying, like creating content.  I have to get to the bottom of why that felt so strange for me now, and how I can shift back to being more like I was when it was all so new.  I also can’t be letting the crazy manic writing style influence how I write in other projects, like ‘being Candy Godiva‘…  I still find it ironic that I write in the blog that is….  Nevermind…

arizona to vegas, twisted moutain path. oh, you know i loved this... bayou boy here

arizona to vegas, twisted moutain path. oh, you know i loved this… bayou boy here

So, another day goes by, and I still feel really good about starting over.  There were moments I wondered about all that time spent writing, and then I remind myself that I would have just been masturbating anyway. 🙂  Candy still hasn’t said anything about it on day 2, so that means it’s so irrelevant and unnoticed that it never even got back to her! 🙂  I can already start to feel better that nobody took any real offense to all the stupid shit I wrote because nobody even noticed now that it’s gone! 🙂  I’m sure she’ll probably say something sooner or later, but for now, this thing is that unimportant and irrelevant that nobody even noticed that it shifted back to post one and now two. 🙂

funhog ranch, i think candy tagged herself on this sign... :>

funhog ranch, i think candy tagged herself on this sign… :>

I need to pour so much of that time into ‘real’ work, those websites that actually make money and entertain people.  Some of the stuff that I created was ‘ok’, but even in the realm of it’s timing it’s still just amateur. 🙂  The important thing to remember is that I was able to communicate on a deeper level non-verbally by creating imagery that I was stimulated by, and I still feel it has social relevance.

cannabis cures cancer

cannabis cures cancer

It’s ‘non verbal’.  That means I am fortunate enough to be gifted on that level, but my typing should be kept to a minimum when it comes to that stuff.  It really started to slip out over there, and I gotta keep that shit in the context of a real documentary narrator to help others instead of writing experimentally in this format and creating a ‘character’ on facebook that was contrarian, cynical, pessimistic, and anti-social.  If I enjoy using this medium for that kind of self discovery, I should find a way to channel it helpfully, and much more skillfully.

ssbbw hand in nuggets

ssbbw hand in nuggets

I really felt like it was a ‘gimmick’ to create these random thoughts expressed one after another while describing content that could drift all over the place, but it’s probably annoying and offensive as well, and something I will obviously work on, considering the fact that I don’t want to go back and change clip descriptions because I had an emo-spasm and deleted all past works on this blog before yesterday, for whatever weird and special reason.

pandas got the booty!

pandas got the booty!

Obviously I’m still doing it, but now, I am in such a different frame of mind. I’m freed from the prior limitations of being trapped in any singular point of view or perspective.  I have released all prior “valuable opinions” and have expunged the official record of any past writing in obesiverse since it’s creation.  Um, there is a freaking blogger back up somewhere dammit…  Anyway, I’ll get to that one, as if I knew I would pull this shit and make it hard for myself!

ssbbw candy godiva behind some home made burgers

ssbbw candy godiva behind some home made burgers

I know I communicate better visually than I do literally, so as much as I seem to enjoy this ‘writing practice’  I’m just giving a weird compulsion a name that seems more appropriate or acceptable.  If I’m bad at it, at least I can admit up front from the beginning that I’m bad at it, so at least that takes a little pressure off!  But, it should be more entertaining and concise.  Less opinionated and antiquated.

ssbbw candy godiva grabs bellybutton

ssbbw candy godiva grabs bellybutton

Even now I’m mentally masturbating as I imagine what it “could be”.  It might remain my practice arena and I’ll come back to amuse myself with this instead of talking Candy’s ear off.  I’ll also be in between doing some project or another, but at least by then I’ll have both systems running so I’m doing this as I freaking wait! 🙂

ssbbw candy godiva, no more 'ground meats' in the backgrounds!!!

ssbbw candy godiva, no more ‘ground meats’ in the backgrounds!!!

I think I’ll go back and add pics too.  I still feel kind of celebratory, like it was some kind of breakthrough to release all that past stuff, let go and start over.  I seemed to do that with the apartment, even though it still needs work and some of my prior housekeeping habits got unusual.  For example, it’s not normal to have a ‘floor rag’ or ‘floor sock’ laying around under something to mop up shit with one foot.  That shit is so sad.  Little things like that…. Now I’ll go from borderline hoarder to compulsive neat freak… Weird…

dessert cats. what the hell

dessert cats. what the hell

I guess it’s obvious that I may not quit writing here, or it could get even more regular, but I’m not going to get so negative and down about shit while I do it.  I’ll try to stay positive, and show gratitude for the awesome way that things are going and how lucky I am to be in the situation I’m in.

ssbbw candy godiva behind the pork shoulder before cooking

ssbbw candy godiva behind the pork shoulder before cooking

I complained too much in the past without providing more context to how I thought I was doing it in a ‘first world’ kind of way, like a Seinfeld episode or something.  I’m not that talented, and it wasn’t nearly as entertaining, and it may have also been a downer.  I want to get away from that, and use my writing for more positive expression.  If I can come out of the shitty situation I let myself get into just 2 years ago, then anybody can come out of anything.  I’m almost at 2000 words already, that is really almost twice as long as I wanted this post to be, so there you go. 🙂

i have to stop doing this shit because it makes me even weirder than i normally am, and i write freaking strange on it

what?  no!  no!  No!

Now, I’m going to link a bunch of photos in between paragraphs that are from the ‘library’ on this thing… Totally irrelevant, and anybody who actually does read this from the start won’t have any idea of why unless they make it way down here. 🙂

crazy guy that wrote and deleted all that shit! :)

crazy guy that wrote and deleted all that shit! 🙂 ‘thomas obesiverse’ lol

update, a part of me wants to delete that soooo bad.. 🙂  that dude creeps me out!  there is actually a humorous element which i’ll limit a post to instead of making this one already too long…

 

 

 

 

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