Posts tagged florida

luck

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I don’t like to depend on “luck” as we call it, or think we know it.  I live in Las Vegas, and I don’t really enjoy or feel compelled to gamble.  It’s really ironic to move nearly 2000 miles from Louisiana to Las Vegas and not want to gamble.

I blame it on my cheapness, and my weak but solid knowledge of math, statistics, and odds.  I make one assumption when I walk into one of those massive super store type casinos.  The odds are in the house’s favor.  Beyond that, I realize that any money lost would be a natural consequence for betting against that house.

The cheapskate trait that I have noticed most of my life comes in when I realize all the things I could do with money rather than gamble it away through some lottery or machine.  I also make subtle calculations on how much money I would lose over time if I continued with a regular gambling habit that seemed small.

As cheap as I am, and as aware of odds as I am, I still smoked cigarettes for a few decades on and off.  I had managed to quit before, for over a year, but something would eventually trigger me into going back to it.  I’m only at day 17 and I’m acting like I have beat smoking already, but I am used to using patches and now there is the “emergency e-cig” too.

After just a few weeks, I’m already having dreams about smoking, but instead of fulfilling a fantasy of wanting to smoke in those dreams, they are more like nightmares, because of the feeling of disappointment after taking that first drag on the “dream cigarette”.

I have been in some kind of inner conflict for the longest about if luck is something that really exists, or if an old cliche’ is true about the more you work towards a goal, the more luck you happen to run into.  I don’t test my luck in a casino because just like the psychics like to say “it doesn’t work that way.”

venus von willendorf statue, goddess or first porn model, feedee, and gainer

venus von willendorf statue, goddess or first porn model, feedee, and gainer

When I consider where I am right now, and how things are going, I am forced to remember what it was like when things were so different, and I was so different.  My “growth” was hindered by the abuse of just one drug, alcohol, for months at a time, and I didn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of the situation I was placing myself in.

Now, I have only taken a baby step towards being somewhat “fixed” in quitting smoking.  That is just one little habit in a long line of impulsive behavior I have to gain control over.  In quitting smoking, I have given myself another level of confidence in what I can achieve when I put my mind to it.

The truth is, I was merely procrastinating from quitting smoking because the withdrawal is such a bitch.  I would have done it long ago, as I have a few times before, but I just didn’t feel like the hassle of a few weeks in first world misery.  Once I started using expressions like “first world” more often, I started to realize the arrogance of this concern over such a minor inconvenience.

I was only so “lucky” to get to smoke in the first place because I had the extra income to blow nearly $200 a month on the drug that would probably end up killing me eventually.  It seems so simple, when you think of the assumed logical equation of smoking = death.  Maybe people who smoke have a death wish.  Maybe people who eat themselves up to nearly or over 500lbs also have a similar wish, but it has been modified to abuse a substance that provides life.  Food.

 

I don’t usually post music videos, but I had to give credit to what I chose to listen to while I attempt to finish this blob post without hitting 5000 words, but then again, there is no way I can predict where my stream of consciousness writing will go.

I’m only 2 weeks into quitting smoking, but I already know I will be successful, because I have been reminded in what could be called a “nightmare” that I have to quit, “right now” apparently.  There is some sense of synchronicity in this realization, because Candy experiences such breathing difficulty that she is on 2 different medications now.

I never smoked inside after Candy quit smoking, I started smoking outside before Candy ever quit actually.  I made it a habit, because I always knew I would quit smoking, and I didn’t want my apartment and everything in it to be polluted with that horrible smell after I quit.

After I quit for just a week, i started to experience my true sense of smell again as well.  Now I can taste better, and I can detect so many things in the air around me with a sense that had been dulled for years by this dreadful habit.

I can detect a female that is heavily “scented” from quite a distance.  I can also detect when someone is smoking a cigarette in a very wide area.  I can smell someone close to me and know if they are an alcoholic, or a smoker, or a pot smoker, or a crackhead.

With that realization alone, I am motivated to stay far away from inhaling burning matter on purpose, except for weed of course.  I went to the trouble of getting a card at the DMV from the state of Nevada to get legal permission to smoke fucking weed.  What a rigmarole.

medical marijuana card nevada

i got my medical marijuana card!

I might be “lucky” to have quit smoking when I did, or in the long timeline, it’s already too late and the real tragedy is that I don’t even know it.  Either way, I’ll take a higher quality of life while it is granted to this old, abused body.  I am still trying to become more “enlightened” even though I realize that because of my age and my old ways, it will be much more difficult than a much younger version of me.

There was really no way to break through to younger me though, as it is, I didn’t become a full fledged alcoholic until after hitting 40, and I am already backtracking at 46.  When I gain control over alcohol though, I won’t need to abstain, I will just use it sparingly when the desire arises to reconnect with this aggravating part of myself.

I have had access to more pharmaceuticals than I can pronounce, and I don’t abuse those at all.  I know where that road goes, I chose to start using alcohol when I already knew how fucking serious it was and dangerous that particular compulsion can be to people like myself who have issues with impulse control and procrastination and anxiety and depression.

I lost so much while I chose to experiment with alcohol.  Candy didn’t even know the full extent of her ability to emotionally disconnect and withdraw when exposed to a “typical alcoholic”.  She had family issues going way back with alcoholism, and me being “that guy” brought her back to a family situation that she fled from as a mere child.  There was no way she would tolerate that behavior from me.

I don’t think it’s too late for me though, I started reading “Be Here Now” and it gave me an insight and perception that I had not thought of or realized for a very long time.  It was like reading that first Dianetics book and realizing that there were a lot of statements in there that I “knew already but never thought of in that way.”

I realized as I was reading Be Here Now by Ram Dass how similar his ability to recall things everyone already kind of knows in a different way is to L Ron Hubbard.  The severe difference is that L Ron Hubbard doesn’t write from the perspective of someone who has done LSD.

Ram Dass also traveled India extensively and met with many gurus who made a profound impact on his perception of this reality.  The influence of being on LSD a lot of the time could have impacted or biased that experience, but when you think about it, it would bias it in exactly the direction he was meant to go.

Be here now is all about figuring out the simple truth that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at any given time, given your desire to either find enlightenment or hide from it.

Everyone is on a path, and some people ride that path with blinders on, protecting them from seeing the potential branches that they could take which would change their lives for the better, forever.

I have used “drugs” to open my perception beyond what my bias and upbringing and limited education would allow.  I have expanded the very experience of my reality by opening my mind up to alternate states of consciousness.

People who are all like “drugs, ew” are so “white and uptight” that it kills me.  I can easily see why so many Caucasians will reject the race that they happened to be assigned at birth in favor of one that isn’t so fucking uptight!

I have spent a great deal of time in waiting rooms, getting the much needed and neglected medical attention for myself and “The Candy” simply because the opportunity was provided by this thing “Obamacare” that so many “fake conservatives” are all worked up over.  I dread another “republican in name only” getting into office to destroy any chance I have to get medical care while at the same time creating a moral panic over “obscenity” to appeal to the religious right. 🙁

I have read a great deal of spiritual material in those waiting rooms, and I feel that I am very very far from total enlightenment, but even the very first step towards it is enthralling, exhilarating, and beautiful.

I have realized that no matter who I was, or have been, there is room in my heart for change, for the better.

I know that no matter what beliefs I have stubbornly held onto in the past, I can see the “big picture” just a little clearer now.  I know that my dependence on any substance has been some kind of false idol that I worship and make sacrifice to in order to maintain my personal status quo of procrastination.

If the first step in solving a problem is admitting there is a problem.  I passed that little nugget of self awareness months, if not years ago.  I just needed a reason to grow emotionally.  I needed to find hope and salvation in the potential of a future I really wanted in order to make myself prepared and available for that future to occur in this reality.

Now, as I take the baby step of quitting smoking, I realize that there is something in my distant future that requires and demands that little positive change in order to allow a chain of events to occur.  I am thinking of time a little differently now.  Instead of thinking of time on a straight line, I can see how the present intersects with the future due to consequence in ways that I could not see or did not want to see before.

The simple act of quitting smoking has caused me to begin to realize a whole set of new future realities, that never would have occurred to me without having had the experiences I have had, good and bad.

If I had not gone through so much bad shit, I would not have had the motivation or inspiration to continue to get better, and continue to grow spiritually.  When I say grow spiritually, do not confuse that with the whole fucked up and contradictory phenomenon known as “religion”.

They are not the same, and can’t be, because current mainstream eastern religion inhibits personal growth by keeping women down and restricting sexual behavior.  It will always seem back woods and “redneck”.  Just look at any given argument against “same sex marriage”.

I have to laugh when I see what bigoted fools the highly reverent and religious are making of themselves to this current, slightly more enlightened generation.

Maybe I am so lucky, because while in one of my altered states of consciousness, I had this crazy idea of leaving everything I knew so well to travel west and land in allegedly fabulous Las Vegas.  I followed some sense of what I know will happen in the future.  I know that Louisiana will be one of the very last hold outs to legalizing marijuana.

I know that as voters turn down medical marijuana in the deep southern state of Florida, voters in Nevada approved medical marijuana over a decade ago, but the state of Nevada is pussyfooting around because they are so scared of being hassled over “gaming”.  Dicks.

I think that I realize just how lucky I am, to have moved to where I did, just when I did, and follow a highly disciplined regimen of living on next to nothing for over 3 years.  It sounds totally crazy, even to me, but I seem to know what’s coming, and I am planning every step of the way before I even realize what I am planning for.

Everything just happens as it is supposed to.  I take limited risks in tiny micro social environments, and I create an outcome that I really want.  I am faced with a challenge larger than I have ever attempted in all my life in the future.  I have to make everything exactly the way I want it, in a way that is even more perfect than I have set it up in the present.  The scary part is, I know I am capable of doing it, and it will be done.

I am just that lucky. 🙂

another wave

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Time is funny.  One can remember some events with such clarity, and yet, other events that might be more recent seem cloudy and distant.  One can remember something from childhood as they reach middle age, yet most people can’t remember the dream they had the night before.

For some reason, negative events seem to imprint themselves into memory so much deeper than the positive ones, with a few exceptions here and there.  I can remember the feeling of achievement when I passed the A+ computer tech certification test without having paid for any training or preparation classes.  That memory is not as strong as the one of me driving back to Louisiana while leaving Alexis in Florida, and leaving behind my first successful bbw porn website at the same time.

I can remember some of the songs that played on the radio, like Duran Duran “Girls On Film”.  I thought it was really ironic that I would catch that song from the very beginning as I flipped through an otherwise blank radio band in the middle of bum fuck nowhere Florida.  I can remember that the weather was nice, and while it wasn’t too hot, I had to restrict my speed to under 55 miles per hour because the radiator in my 1985 Toyota pick up truck was partially clogged, and I had to leave Florida too urgently to replace it first.

I can only partially remember driving to Florida in that same truck, pulling a U-Haul trailer nearly full of junk to a house that was owned by the woman who would later install the fear of death into me with her lies and schemes.  I can remember taking the plane to Orlando to meet her for the first time better than I remember driving myself there with all my stuff to “move in”.

I was such a fool to move in with that woman to begin with.  I laugh and laugh when I hear about people living across the country from each other, meeting up a few times, then moving in with each other.  I’m sure it might work occasionally, but I am now under the impression that you don’t really know someone until you have lived with them over a freaking year.

If you happened to move hundreds or even thousands of miles from your former home when you move in with someone, you are kind of trapped, unless you hold on to just enough cash to get your ass back home for the first whole year.  I was dumb enough to get talked into marrying that woman within the first fucking year.

There is no way that I should have gotten married to her, but when she suggested it, I thought it would give me more security in ownership of the company I created if I was married to my partner.  That was such a bad idea, because I was so fucking stupid I did not realize the company was really in her name, and so was the website that I poured so much of myself into.

When I got married to her I was entitled to “half”, but only if I was willing to stick around and fight her for it.  By the time I was ready to leave Florida, I had no fight left in me.  Alexis had me thrown in jail twice on made up bullshit.  I was never arrested in my life before going to Florida, and now, at age 46, I have never been arrested since either.  I’m lucky that I fought the charges instead of taking a plea deal, because I don’t have any record of any convictions, and I wasn’t forced to stay in Florida for months longer taking “court mandated anger management courses”.

I wasn’t going to fight her for that website or business, and I wasn’t going to stick around Florida one second longer than necessary once the charges were dropped against me.  The very day of my final court date, when I was told I was free and clear of all that bullshit, I stopped by and said goodbye to one female friend that was special to me, I stopped by the bank where my business account was to empty that out, and I got on Interstate headed for “home”.

I didn’t even have a U-Haul trailer just yet, I made my first visit back home with my cash and the clothes on my back, leaving an apartment with a third of my stuff in place.  Once I established residency back in Louisiana, I drove the 700 plus miles each way a second time to pick up the little bit of crap I could sneak out of her house without her knowing.

I was pretty bold back then, to even try to sneak my shit out of her house when I was waiting on a court date where she agreed to drop any charges that she had made up to begin with.  Alexis not only lied to get me arrested, but she also lured me back to her house, to call the cops again, to have them catch me there and lock me up for violating a restraining order.

The first arrest was traumatic enough, but when she tricked me into coming over there just to get me arrested again, she just helped me to make up my mind to leave her and that business far behind as quickly as possible.  The second arrest was so much worse, because I was already violating a ‘bond condition’, so I had to hire a second lawyer to get me out the second time, after having to stay in there for five days.  The first arrest, I was in lock up overnight.  The second arrest, I was in general population for almost a week.

The first lawyer was just for the divorce, and he tried to tell me that he could get me out of jail, but by the third day I was on the phone with another lawyer,  paying $3000 on a credit card that I would never pay back.  It’s wild, I never declared bankruptcy, but because I left the state of Florida and never allowed any credit agency to know where I was for seven years, nearly $20,000 was dropped right off the credit report.  No bankruptcy lawyer needed, or wanted.  I had enough with lawyers, and now I realize after all that stuff why people make such cruel jokes about them.

“What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea?  A good start.”

I know that I got away without having to pay that credit off, which is good for me, but at the same time, Alexis was able to continue to collect any profit from the business I created for years after I left.  It is a good thing she was so fucking ignorant and lazy about how to go about doing that, because her websites all started to go downhill once I left.  People actually noticed, I still get occasional notes to this day.

The websites are still there.  Someone purchased or was given the business “Bigger And Better Inc” and they continue to keep fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net going to this day.  I have lifted a few photos from there to show proof that it was me right there next to Alexis when that business was at it’s height.

I spent a whole year after I came back to Louisiana just getting my shit together.  I had to get a job, I eventually had to replace the truck, and I had to find a place to live that didn’t do a credit check so that they would not find me to try to get a judgement, and so the apartment considering me would not see that I had just broken a lease in Florida to get the fuck out of there.  I was only in that apartment for a few weeks, and left it cleaner than I found it, but they were entitled to make me buy myself out of the lease because I did sign one.

So, $20,000 in credit card debt, and a $4000 penalty for not finishing a lease.  I got off cheap.  A few years later, I would fuck up and skip filing income taxes for 2 years, so I did pay an extra $2000 for fucking up like that.  I was still lucky in that case, because after spending years paying that off, I made a call and requested “penalty abatement” and I actually got out of paying the last $1000.  Again, no scumbag fucking lawyer required for me to reduce my tax liability.

It would probably take them quite a while to get around to auditing me, because I was so fucking honest with them to take on that kind of penalty, pay it off, and keep taxes paid up every year since.  I even keep receipts that could be legit business expenses but I don’t claim them, so if I am ever audited, I may actually be found to be wrong *IN MY FAVOR*.  I’m sure they don’t get that too often!

It took me a whole year to run into a woman who happened to work with phone sex.  She also had a website going, but she was buying skinny content and creating a website to resell it.  She was probably doing ok back then with that, because there weren’t tens of thousands of porn sites in existence just yet.  This was 2001.

More importantly, there still weren’t very many BBW specific porn sites, and virtually no porn sites that specialized in SSBBW.  When I first met Dia, she had never modeled, even though she had an eloquent feminine figure that happened to include FF cup breasts.

Dia was already in the adult mindset, she just never realized how powerful her body type was, until she met me.  She hadn’t done much research on the BBW niche’, even though she had been working in phone sex for years already before I even met her.  While I was getting myself into all kinds of shit in Florida, she was sitting back making cash just talking dirty on the phone.

I would have thought right then and there that I had met my future forever partner.  There was an issue though.  Me.  The experience I had been put through with Alexis, at that age, with that much loss, created a PTSD like syndrome where I became obsessed with getting credit for my work in Florida, and better, creating something all new that was all mine.

With Dia’s help, I got some pointers on design, and I was able to create a much more attractive site than fatfantasy.net ever was.  I also pulled out 21 cd’s full of images from Florida and went to work using those to build my all new site, hotbbws.com.

Within just a few months, the checks started coming.  My work had only been seen on one site before, so it wasn’t long before my photos started to get attention and make money.  My site was prettier than her’s, even though looking at it now, it is not nearly as fancy as the current corporate assortment of bbw and ssbbw related porn sites.

I like to say that the prettier the site, the less content there probably is.  I think that is a really correct assumption when I see the high quality design capability of some webmasters combined with models that quit after a few months, or are way too lazy to create new content on a regular basis!

I was so driven, but it was by revenge.  I wanted revenge on Alexis, but not in the typical way that some people go crazy and destroy shit or hurt people.  I saw a slogan on a daytime talk show before I ever left Florida where someone said “The best revenge is doing better.”

I could have taken my own advice back when Candy left both times, because I acted a damn fool online, and seemed to get off on making hurtful comments just to disturb people.  It took me months after Candy left to attempt to get revenge by “doing better”, and by that time, I had already done too much damage to ever fully recover socially online.

I was crazy motivated to find new models in addition to using all this content I had.  I was lucky to have photographed releases, ID’s, as well as about 2 dozen plus different bbws and ssbbws.  I didn’t have any of the video, even though I was in almost all of them, and there were at least 2 dozen hardcore videos too.  That was back in the days of VHS, before the internet had a prayer of ‘streaming’ a whole porn, television show, or movie.

That was back in the days of DSL and T1 lines.  Alexis had invested in a T1, but once cable internet came out, that shit was totally obsolete.  I bet that fucking woman kept paying hundreds a month for years on that shit, because the websites were hosted in a fucking garage.

Once I moved back to Louisiana, cable internet was available, and pretty cheap, and I was able to take full advantage of it.  It was not long though, before Alexis saw what I was doing, got jealous, and went fucking crazy to knock my shit down.  She harassed my hosting company, my internet billing company, and got me shut down by just being fucking annoying.  These days I know it is not quite as easy to get someone closed down without a fight, because the companies that exist today are much more stable than the ones back then.

For example, my host was shitty, and over priced.  My billing company was fucking GLOBILL.  If you do any research on them, they fucking ripped off hundreds of people for thousands of dollars when the last fucking check they mailed out bounced, and people who had thousands of dollars coming in a month were FUCKED.  To my knowledge, Globill never fully paid back any of the poor fucks they stole that money from.  I hope those fuckers still have problems because of that shit.

It wasn’t long before IBILL went down next, and that was the company Alexis used.  I was lucky to have been so fucking pissed at Alexis I would choose CCBILL before ever going to IBILL, JUST BECAUSE ALEXIS FUCKING USED THEM.

All this time a lot of other shit went down though.  After Alexis got hotbbws.com version one shut the fuck down, I had to switch over to using all my own content, which luckily, I had been working on for a fucking year by then.  Unluckily for Dia and me, my obsession to get new content pissed her off.  She was too jealous at that time to understand my absolute need to find other models and pick up where I left off in Florida.

There was a point one day when I had made plans to photograph someone, and Dia was ok with it at first, but of course, we got into an argument right before I was supposed to leave.  I was still so fucked up from Florida.  I was doing all of this shit just to get back at Alexis, and prove that all that fucking work was mine.  I didn’t even care about the fucking money, I just wanted credit for all that fucking work!

Little did I know at the time, if I could have afforded a lawyer, I could have shown that because I was the photographer, I had rights to use that work, and I could have further sued her for damages in getting me shut down.  Either way, I fucking hated lawyers, and I didn’t want to fight her.  In fact, soon after I got to Louisiana, I cut off all contact with her so that I could not be accused of harassment back in the days before “stalking” existed.

The argument with Dia was heated, and she was so pissed at one point that she said something that I could never forget, and could not accept at the time after Florida.  She said “Do you know how easy it would be to kill you in your sleep?”

Now, if it was me in the present, I would give her suggestions on exactly how to go about doing that without it hurting me or fucking up and leaving me alive and fucked up.  I have that kind of sense of humor, and now I am old enough to welcome death as long as it’s not too painful and I don’t have too much time to suffer.

Back then, I was still traumatized from Alexis.  That bitch had me thinking at one point that people wanted to blow up her house, people were following me, she had mafia affiliations, people were being kidnapped and tortured for information, and we were in debt to an organization that was providing protection.

All that was such stupid bullshit, and I was such a fucking dumb fuck to believe it for a second.  I let that foolishness go on for about 3 weeks, and one night, I got fed up.  Alexis sent me to what was supposed to be a 24 hour post office, and she gave me fucked up directions, and I was in the middle of nowhere.  I hate wild fucking goose chases!  I pulled up to a payphone, and at the risk of being shot in the head right then and there, I made one phone call.  I called her bluff by risking my very life.

That’s what I mean when I say that Alexis put the fear of death in to me while there.  It was only 3 weeks, and I was the one to blame for believing such an outrageous set of lies.  I still have the micro cassettes that I used to bug her phone after she pulled that shit, just to see what other fucking shit she would come up with.

I let my mother listen to those tapes before she died, and she was on “team Thomas” after that.  She sat back and listened to Alexis talk to another woman about how she knew an ex cop and could have me “taken care of”.  That, and a few other statements, provided more than enough encouragement for me to get the fuck out of there.  When confronted, Alexis would claim that she knew I had the phone bugged and she said that shit to bait me.

She was a liar, but she was too fucking stupid to get over on me once I busted her compulsive, pathological liar ass.  I know that shit was for real, because there was another conversation with her son in law, who was a cop, about how a “pattern of arrest” could show a pattern of domestic abuse, and enable her to forcefully push me out of the home, the marriage, and the business.  She didn’t need to do all that shit.  All she had to do was ask me to fucking leave.

On another conversation, she talked to someone else about how she had everything “set up” to take over, but she needed my help, and she needed my work ability.  I once told Alexis when I knew shit was going downhill that when I finally had enough and left, it would take five different people to do “my job”.  To this day, I still believe that to be absolutely true, because i have listed off the many jobs I have to do in another post somewhere I don’t want to stop to dig up.

Before I finally left, before the last court date that would free me forever from her, I had a conversation with her about how I am “out of control” and maybe I should just go back home and leave everything to her.  She started crying, begging, pleading for me to stay because she “needed my help”.

I told her that I had a few conversations with her friends that revealed some wild shit.  That was the cover I used to avoid telling her that I was still bugging the fucking phone.  It was a lot easier to bug a land line phone than it would be to bug a cell, but I imagine even that is not impossible, or very difficult.  The fact that I was even compelled to go to a “spy store” in 2000 and buy a voice activated micro cassette recorder and a microphone cable that plugged into a phone jack with a double phone jack plug let me know that shit was out of control already and I had to get out.  I was just looking for a reason by the time I was waiting months for my second court date after spending five fucking days in jail and blowing $3000 to get my ass out.

I have to wonder how long it took for Debbie to call Alexis when I stopped by her work to tell her I was on my way “home”.  I was really telling both “Little Debbie” and “Big Debbie” at the same time because they worked together.  They had both modeled, and I had been filmed having sex with both of them.  Alexis would be the only one to see that money after I left, except for the $3000 that I pulled out of the business account and kept in my sock on the drive home.

Back to Dia though for a moment.  When Dia told me just how easy I could be murdered, potentially by her, while I was sleeping, it was too much at that time for me to accept.  I still regret bringing her to that state of anger myself.  The real irony is in the fact that the woman I went to see could not even take photos because her relatives here staying in a trailer near by, or some bullshit.  That fucking bitch made me drive nearly an hour each way to tell me that shit instead of letting me cancel online.  She caused me to literally kick Dia out of my apartment for saying what she said because she was rightfully angry and upset at me.

I didn’t just put Dia out on the street.  I was still friends with my second ex wife Stori at the time.  Stori appears on hotbbws.com too, but only in the member’s area, because she wanted to be “discreet”.  I was way too agreeable as a fucking pornographer back then!  I would tell Dia that I would stay with Stori, and she could take as long as she needed to get her shit together and get the fuck out.  I still can’t fucking believe I did that to her.

Because I was so driven at the time to replace my work lost in Florida, and then lost a second time at hotbbws.com, I had to do it.  I don’t think I could do that to her now if I was in that situation all over again.  I still feel badly about it, and I resent Alexis more because of how badly she fucked me up over there.  I really should have gotten counseling for that shit, and so much other shit to follow!

Dia took about a week to two weeks to prepare, and I took her to the bus station, and she went “somewhere”.  I don’t even remember now, because she is not where she went at this time.  I still talk to her online, and have talked to her by phone, and I have apologized profusely for doing that to her back then.  I just could not handle it.  I was so fucked up.  She had a quick temper, and odds are, I would have pulled some shit sooner or later that would have caused us to break up.  I still think she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the pleasure and privilege of photographing.

Dia at hotbbws.com

Dia at hotbbws.com

I am fortunate that she is so gracious and forgiving, so that I can still count her among my friends, even if she is so very far away like all of the closest ones, except for Candy.  I still maintain bbwdungeon.com as an ad for her phone sex, which she still freaking does.  Exoticbbw.com was originally her’s, and she gave it to me when she decided she wanted to stick with phone sex over websites.

Bbwdungeon.com was once a member site, but I could not sustain the costs of hosting it back when I had really shitty hosting.  Thankfully the hosting issue is resolved, so I can finally add shitloads of stuff to all the sites.  The problem with me lately is the block I have in working with hotbbws.com or lots2luv.com.  The reasons for that block are partially explained somewhere else I’m sure, and explaining it again here would drag me way off course, more than I already am.

I hit over 4k in words so far, and now I think I have gotten myself kind of lost.  I realize that I had to come back to Dia, after going way off course with Alexis, and then Stori, and of course Candy.  There is something I realize is vitally important to go with all of this, and I still haven’t figured out the title of this post just yet, but my stream of consciousness writing always seems to come full circle, eventually.

Because Dia was so fucking hot and my paranoid ass dropped her, I had to find more models.  I was working full time as a computer tech with the small shop I worked at before going to Florida, before upgrading from that job to a tech job in New Orleans that I hated having to drive to, park for, and hated them for giving me shit when I failed a drug test 3 months into working for them, as they casually said they “forgot” to do it pre-employment.

That is a whole other fucking story right there, because the fact that they pulled that shit encouraged me to move to Florida and start fatfantasy.net instead of having to suck a boss’s dick every day.  They couldn’t just fire me because they failed to give me the drug test before hiring me and paying me for 3 fucking months.  They just wanted to give me a shitty assignment in http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalmette,_Louisiana, which I wasn’t fucking having.

It’s bad enough that these assholes made me come to work the day that hurricane “George” hit in 1998, and left me stranded in a Bourbon Street bar watching television until the water went down so I could see if my fucking truck got flooded while parked under interstate.  Luckily, the truck was ok, the shoes weren’t.

Anyway, anybody who has heard about hurricane Katrina knows what happened to Chalmette.  If the drive to New Orleans every fucking day and evening wasn’t bad enough, they wanted me to go another half hour to fucking shitty Chalmette.  I would be a computer tech in an oil refinery having to wear a fucking biosuit.

That is an important fact to keep in mind, because that fucking computer company influenced me to move to Florida to begin with, and start my life of being a fat fetish ‘pornographer’ forever.

Also, on a side note, those alleged ‘flushes’ to help you pass a drug test DON’T FUCKING WORK.  DON’T FUCKING TRY IT.  USE SAFE PISS.  I was asked by a co-worker when word got around that I failed the drug test “Why didn’t you bring in someone else’s piss like everybody else does?”  Too honest for my own fucking good.

I didn’t fuck up like that when I got a job at CompUSA.  I was so lucky to have a friend that didn’t smoke weed!

Back to the point.  Because I had to dump Dia because I was a paranoid little bitch, I had to find other models.  I did just that.  Over the course of the next year I would end up luring at least a half dozen bbws and ssbbws to taking photos.  I had to weed through the ones who didn’t want to sign a release and just have sex.  I had to avoid the ones who just wanted “personal pics”.  I had to focus on finding the ones who would let me copy their ID, and sign a fucking model release, and not bitch months later for me to remove them because they are a dumb ass who told the wrong person and they told the really wrong person.

I stumbled upon Candy around that time.  Candy would be the death of me and my ambition to find as many models as I could, eventually.  We met in early 2002, we were living together by the end of 2002, and we stayed in an open relationship “with conditions” until feb of 2008.  I was able to “hook up” with a woman if she was willing to give up the ID and sign a release and be on my websites.  That was the only condition.

That meant certain types of women who would inevitably contact me were off limits.  A good example of that is “teachers”.  I can’t tell you how many times I got an email from a teacher who said “I used to model but I started teaching and…” and i quit fucking reading.   Sorry.  Not really.  Next.

Now, I sit back and watch wave after wave of new models coming into the picture, doing some work, quitting, then appearing in stolen images used to promote dating sites.  Every time I see a brand new bbw or ssbbw model doing this or that, I sit back and wait until she quits, or has weight loss surgery, or both.

No matter who just started, or who just quit, there is always another wave of new models coming in and going out.  Some of the ones going out like to stick around in the periphery of porn, by running group parties or annual conventions.  They are still relevant to the bbw scene, but they still quit.

It is so ironic, that I had to reject and dump so many women over the course of my life to find, lose, and recover Candy.  Once I met Candy, I was doomed.  I must have fallen in love with her instantly, because I tried to “return her” back to where I found her, but after a few months, she always re-appeared.

Even when she left for 4 months and then for 8 months, I remained obsessed, because there could never be another woman who had the effect on me she did instantly, and further, I had never met another woman who cared enough about my own agenda to let me have it without greedy or jealous emotional restraint.

Once I was ready to give up all other women, I realized internally that I was giving up my old technique in finding new models too.  In a way, I kind of “quit” myself, but I didn’t, because I still have her.  As many times as I have lost her, i knew, that even if I came across a woman who was similar, there was no way to build up that kind of history with someone else.  At 46 years old, I don’t think I have time to go through all of that over again and still be young enough to physically do the shit by the time I did.

I did meet one woman while Candy was gone, that I already went into great detail about.  She is the unnamed ssbbw that I showed in the last post.  I realized as I re-read the previous post that I said I never used a single photo of her in the 4 years that I had them.  By posting her here, I just did.

By bringing up hotbbws.com and lots2luv.com I am kicking myself for not working on them more already.  I don’t care about the money, I care about the unused content that sits on DV tapes in a back room closet.  I have a computer that I set up with a firewire card just because of that camera and those tapes.  I have hours of tapes of the unnamed ssbbw and I will be glad if 4 years in time travel didn’t fuck those tapes up.

Dia at hotbbws.com

Dia at hotbbws.com

I had to add another photo, the last one was after sex, so I’m sure it was not as flattering as this one.  This photo was shot in an apartment in Metairie, Louisiana.  If I had not moved to Las Vegas the last time when I did, I would have been holding Candy’s hand walking out of this apartment in 4 feet of water during hurricane Katrina.

Fate is a funny thing.  Showing Dia at that apartment reminds me that I lived in Vegas before, and I was fucking lucky to have packed everything in that shitty car and have the exhaust scrape the interstate on nearly every big bump because of how all that shit and Candy’s huge ass was weighing that crappy car down.  The transmission didn’t last too long after that 2 way trip 2000 miles each way.

The only woman I met when Candy was gone that impressed me nearly as much as her was married and living with her husband and kid.  I am still shocked  that she did the ID and release, and I really should have added her sooner.  Maybe I was worried that with her living situation she might come back on me to remove her.  Now 4 years has passed, maybe she forgot about it altogether. 🙂

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

Now I have used 2 images of this unnamed SSBBW.  There is hope I can overcome the block I mentioned before with the 2 inactive sites.  This woman is far too impressive to sit on my drive forever.

Just like I said before, no matter how many new models start, or older ones quit, there is always another wave, even if they took photos over 4 years ago! 🙂

 

 

 

law of attraction

0

I had the chance to watch some videos and read some materials online about the law of attraction, or LOA as they are calling it on twitter.  Candy would have gotten me interested in learning more about this, because she comes across a lot of spiritual and self help type stuff as she surfs the internet literally all day in between binge watching certain television shows.

I really like the philosophy and the idea behind the law of attraction, because it involves simple positive thinking and the ability to put one’s self in a mind set where they already possess what it is they want, so what they really want is drawn to them.

There was always a sense that I could accomplish anything I put my mind to.  It started back when I was just hitting puberty.  I thought to myself “I would like to have my own money.”  So, I found out I would need a worker’s permit at the age of 15 or 16, I forget.  I got one, and I proceeded to apply for jobs.  I was living in such a small town that there were not that many businesses to choose from, and all the kids my age would be hitting all of them the same way I was, if they were so inclined to work as I was.

I got an offer with a local supermarket, but I would have to spend the first week or so working for a store in Metairie, which was a town about 15 minutes away on interstate.  I already spent a lot of time out there, because that’s where the big malls were, and all the cooler places where younger people hung out.  The supermarket where I was trying to work was within walking distance from my house, while this place required a half hour commute considering both ways.

They were fixing up a store because a regional manager was visiting, or inspecting, and I had to do all kinds of jobs there that were never going to come up again in the supermarket where I thought I would be working.  I had to sweep a ceiling, paint a back warehouse, and there was all kinds of cleaning.  These were the kinds of things that were only done once a year or even every other year, so while this was my initial experience, it was not going to be the usual experience.

I was so determined to make my own money, that I would try to hustle, and instead of dragging ass, I was enthusiastic and energetic.  I was fucking young, so it was easy to be hyper back then.  I think back and wish I took better care of myself so that I could have at least more than half of that kind of energy at 46.  Now I have to quit smoking and start working out to even come close to having that kind of energy ever again.

When I started working at the local store, there wasn’t any need for the kind of clean up that took place at the other store.  The manager at this store was keeping all that shit together so that it never got as bad as it did at the other place.  The store in Laplace was a lot slower than the one in Metairie though.  The store in Laplace was part of a strip mall, that was one of maybe 3 in the whole town, one of only 2 that I would care to hang out at when I lived there.  The store in Metairie was linked on to the back of a big mall, so it got all kinds of traffic from people who wanted to go grocery shopping after mall shopping.

The big job at the store in Laplace was buggy pushing.  Yeah, somebody has to bring all those buggies back into the store when they are taken out to the parking lot and emptied out.  At least back in Laplace, there wasn’t a major percentage of the buggies leaving the parking lot and being pushed home, like they do here in Las Vegas.  It is actually a small business opportunity in Vegas to have a truck and trailer and round up buggies all over the city, and get paid by the buggy to bring them back.  Now, businesses have to go high tech and install one special wheel that is supposed to jam up if you roll that thing out of the parking lot.  I have no idea how that works, but I should look it up to see how it is hacked.

I would spend nearly the entire shift out in that parking lot pushing those things back into the store.  Over time, I started to imagine that I wasn’t even “in” my body, but ordering it to do things for me as I sat back comfortably in the back of my mind somewhere, listening to music I had memorized by listening to my records over and over.

I was impressive to the store manager, who would see so many other kids listlessly and slowly doing the least amount of work necessary.  I would be pushing myself as I was pushing those buggies, trying to push just 1 more in the row than I did the day before regularly, or get to the point where I had to stop adding to a regular trip because I might lose control, or lose the end buggy if I had to stop suddenly.

Thinking back I can remember the technique that I would learn to control a big long row of buggies.  There was a kind of trick to it.  The fewer you had, the more control you had, because you had to shove left or right to stop in addition to steering.  If you couldn’t put enough sideways pressure on the one you were pushing, the one at the front would slip right off the row, probably right into someone’s brand new car, and you don’t want that.

The main point about the buggies, and that first job, is that before I got the job, I didn’t know I could do “a job” at all.  Even further, I wasn’t handed paint and brush at my own house to paint, but these guys handed it to me expecting a job that would impress a regional manager.  I think it did.

I didn’t know I could spend 8 hours in the deep south summers pushing hundreds, or thousands of buggies back and forth in a day, and then turn around and be an energetic kid running all over town after.  I didn’t realize how quickly I could save up money to purchase that first car.  When I got the job, and started the job, I didn’t think getting my own car was even a possibility, but naturally it would be, because as long as I kept the job, I would accumulate more money.  I was a kid, it wasn’t like I was paying rent.

After just a few months of working at this place, I had enough money saved up to buy a used car, and that led me to see another goal realized that I didn’t think was possible while I achieved the earlier goal of getting and keeping a job to begin with.  Of course, getting that car would prove to show me what my real agenda was all along, independence.

Buying a first car made such a big difference in the sheer amount of time that I would spend at my childhood home.  I would basically be just sleeping there, and by the time I was 17, I could have just quit high school, shifted over to full time at my supermarket job, and got my own apartment.  That would have gotten me into way too much trouble.  It’s bad enough the way things turned out after getting that car.

When I say it’s bad enough the way things turned out, I mean that with that independence, and that confidence, I started visiting bars at 17 before I was even old enough to be drinking.  I would meet up with a woman in her mid 20’s, and she would end up being my first ex wife, because I was impulsive enough to get married to the first woman who put out on a regular basis.

So many things turned out how I expected them, as long as I set small goals, and checked them off one at a time.  If I really wanted to get away from my parent’s house, I had to first get a job for income, then get a car for transportation.  Once those 2 things were done, I just had to wait until I graduated high school to figure out what I wanted to do next.

I had an additional year of high school, not because I failed, but because I was kicked out right at the end of the fucking year in my junior year.  So, I had to do that year all over again, after having a recurring dream of exactly that happening.  A lot of kids would have said “fuck it” right then and there, but my mother used to taunt me about how I would never finish high school, so a part of me did the extra year just to prove her wrong.  Now I know where my passive aggressive tendencies come from!  Thanks mom!

You know, the biggest fantasy I would have had at that time besides having a car, would have been getting laid.  While in my early 20’s, with a car, a job, and money in the bank, I didn’t realize how easy getting laid could be, even before the internet.  I had to go through some pretty hard lessons and my first ex wife before I understood the dynamics of dating and desperation.

I believe that the only way my story of coming of age is relevant to the law of attraction is in the way that I believed I would accomplish things, and I did.  Even when I was young and dumb in my teens, before being young and just as dumb in my 20’s, I still set out to accomplish things one at a time until reaching some end goal.  It is something that has become so regular and easy in my life that I sometimes take it for granted.  There have been times I have almost gone right off the cliff because of my confidence that the brakes would stop the car in time.

Even now, I have just achieved the latest goal, of getting a medical marijuana card.  To people in California, it’s no big deal, because it’s under $100 and you can get it in the back room of a dispensary.  Here in Nevada, there is a shitload of stuff you have to be put through before getting this little token.

I was here in Nevada for almost 3 years before getting that card, but just like the process of getting my first car or first regular piece of ass when I was younger, there were steps that had to be completed before hitting the goal.  I had to wait on obamacare to kick in so I could get my first hip x-ray.  Then, I had to take the radiologist report to some strip mall doctor’s office and give them the routine about how I am too young for hip replacement, but obviously need one.  Then, I had to shell out nearly $300, and that is WITH A DISCOUNT because I had brought in actual medical records.  Then, I had to wait nearly 2 months for that shit to come in the mail after waiting 3 hours for the DMV to take my fucking photo.

So, just getting that little card took a few steps, none of which were convenient or ‘fun’.  If obamacare had started just one year earlier, I would have gotten the card a year earlier, because I made sure to move to a state with medical marijuana BEFORE obamacare kicked in.  Before that, I made sure to regulate my income so that I know I would be covered under medicaid, and I could still manage to live on a %133 of poverty level income.  So, the actual entire process of getting that card started with me living in Louisiana, making a certain amount for a full year before obamacare even kicked in so I would know I could live on that much, and still move my ass 2000 miles across the country to a state less stuck in the past who has the compassion to allow people to use a fucking plant to alleviate great amounts of physical pain.

To me, the southern states have always seemed masochistic and sadist for turning their noses up at medical marijuana.  Further, it is ironic to me that the “river parishes” where I grew up, is also known as “cancer alley” because of all the chemical plants along the Mississippi river right there.  Of course when people get cancer that was caused by that fucking pollution, the politicians would say “fuck you, you don’t need that marijuana shit for your cancer.”  My mother died of fucking ass cancer in that shit hole state, so naturally, I have a sense of resentment for Louisiana, and every other southern state that continues to force it’s residents to suffer because they are bible thumping fuck-tards from the distant past who can’t get their heads out of their fucking asses to save their fucking stupid, useless lives…

Wow, I got a little negative there.  I have always known about the connection that marijuana has to health and well being, decades before all this new research has finally been released, after being kept hidden by corrupt politicians and the corporations who bribed them to begin with.

Every time a southern state says “NO” to medical marijuana, I am reminded of why I had to get the fuck out of there, and why I don’t enjoy giving that place credit for my growing up because I hate it, and the entire southern fucked up region so much.  Recently, Florida said NO to medical marijuana, and it’s ironic that with all those suffering old people down there, they are so desperate to keep the status quo of pill addiction and abuse…

Wow, I just got way off the subject there!  Maybe not entirely though.  I look at the law of attraction as if we are all children, experiencing everything for the very first time, every day of our lives.  Just because we grow up, or get old, doesn’t mean we have seen everything and done everything there is to do, if you want to do it.

Even though I am 46 now, I can still relate to being a teenager who is trying to work out how to get that first car when I work out the massive undertaking of moving 2000 miles to get out of bum fuck egypt and into a place that is more progressive and modern politically.  When I was young, I thought I wanted to move from Louisiana to Florida.  Talk about getting out of the toilet only to end up in the sewer!

Florida would have been nearly *worse* than Louisiana!  Just talk to “Florida Man” about that one!  Also, I have already mentioned that those assholes recently voted down medical marijuana while Nevada voted it in over a decade ago but just pussyfooted around and cock blocked it up until NOW. 🙂  Nevada is still cock blocking medical marijuana, and I might just become more of an activist to point it out, since they are literally trying to make me suffer by not giving me access to my state approved medication!

Alright, I have wondered so very far from my original subject, and I have shit to do, but I guess I am saying that no matter what the undertaking, or how difficult you think it would be, or how impossible it might seem, it is doable, possible, and if you really want it, inevitable.  The law of attraction can’t be taken for granted to the point where you just sit back and think about something all day expecting it to happen for you.  The law of attraction gives people the motivation and inspiration to complete those small goals on the way to the larger one, even when that large goal seems unattainable.  Nothing is impossible.  Believe in your dreams.

 

medical marijuana card nevada

i got my medical marijuana card!

over a decade

0

I wonder myself sometimes how everything that has happened has actually happened.  The thought of Candy leaving twice, and my going literally insane both times is such a weird set of memories to process.  I know that there are times that I still experience the anxiety I felt at that time out of the blue, with no additional stimulus required.  At the same time, when real shit is doing down in my life I tend to use another type of anxiety to motivate, inspire, and push myself into doing what needs to be done.

There are times I have had some pretty heavy duty shit going on, like having to pull a huge, heavy fuel tank off a big ass van to replace the fuel pump, or pull the dash apart to replace an automotive computer.  Those two things were just last year, and while I do consider myself a hobby mechanic, both of those jobs were things I had not done before, and I had to face a certain type of anxiety in order to successfully complete both of them, and still have working transportation that is paid for, and amazes me to this day that it is still going.

The biggest obstacles I have come across in my life never came anywhere near the level of intensity I felt when I lost Candy.  It was as if everything in my life before those events meant absolutely nothing.  All the accomplishments, all the hurdles overcome, all the disappointment, all the pain, none of it meant anything when I lost the one person in the world that I felt I loved more than anyone or anything else.

I literally wanted to drink myself to death.  I went online and I started to reject everything I held dear all of my life.  I started to become the absolute worst troll that even I had ever come across in the realm of ‘SSBBW’ or super size big beautiful women.  I would not lash out so much at individuals, except for a very small handful of people who were directly involved, because they cared enough to save Candy from me if I wasn’t making her happy.

I would go into every fat specific area of the internet I could find to bitch and raise hell about how I should not be attracted to women who look like this.  I should not be in such pain because I chose someone to love who would leave me.  I was lashing out partially because I was severely intoxicated most of the time, but also because I was hurt deeper than I had ever been hurt in my life.

I am still resolving feelings of guilt over how I acted.  I have apologized over and over to one person who was mature enough not to take any of it too personally in the first place.  I have wondered what must be going through the minds of people who Candy met and interacted with while she was gone, only to run back to me, after previous accusations of abuse.

We were in a destructive, abusive relationship for at least one or two years before the point where she left, but we didn’t realize it, because there were circumstances that Candy wasn’t fully aware of that triggered negative behavior in her.  When Candy and I met, we were both potheads.  She had what amounted to a near allergic reaction to alcoholics.  She had previous family history with alcoholics, and she herself feels as if she went through a period of alcoholism in her earlier years before we ever met.

When I made the brilliant decision to stop smoking pot and start drinking in it’s place, that created an environment where I would start drinking in the evening, and as I got more and more intoxicated, Candy would grow more and more anxious and upset.  If I were to talk a little too much, or about the wrong subjects while intoxicated, it would give her the reason she was looking for to just “go off” on me.  I had a great deal of restraint, after being through everything I have been through back in Florida with Alexis, so I would let it go.

There were just a few times when I would have gotten upset along with her for being upset, and I would allow an argument to escalate to a certain point.  Then, I would get tired out from being drunk and just want to quit arguing, usually before anything significant happened.

One evening, things did get really intense, and rather than cooling off and calming down, Candy made a snap decision to take off.  She wasn’t just leaving for a day, or a few days, she was packing a back to move out completely.  Because she had just done the same thing a few months before, I started to reach a point where I didn’t want her to come back.  I had been so hurt by her leaving the last time, and so excited when she came back, that watching her leave yet again would have me telling myself that I didn’t deserve that shit, I was over it, and I can’t be in love with someone who leaves me over little shit.

For the first few weeks she was gone, she had probably intended to come back all along.  Because I entered this mindset of believing I didn’t want her back, I would allow myself to get drunk and log on Facebook to rant and rave about how shitty it was for her to leave the way she did, and how she was “not a good girlfriend” if she was going to use this tactic of leaving me to control me.

At one point, maybe 2 and a half weeks in, I got so drunk that I posted some really horrible shit on Facebook, where instead of complaining, I started getting highly insulting.  At that point, any thought Candy had of coming back started to evaporate, and instead of getting her back sooner, I pushed her away for even longer.

After about 3 months of doing nothing but getting drunk every single day and passing out, I finally decided to get back out there and try to meet people.  The first attempt was this woman in her 20’s who I talked to on the phone.  She acted like she really wanted to meet right away, so she suggested I go to some bar to meet up with her.  She totally stood me up.  I tried calling her, no answer, of course, she knew what she was doing.

I will never forget the drive home from that place, how depressing it was, and how everything I passed on the way home reminded me of being with Candy.  I was reminded of how much I loved and missed her, and I was hurt so very deeply to have the first moment of encouragement turn out to be another taunt by life itself.

I didn’t try to contact that woman, but a few days later she sent me an email trying to apologize.  I basically cursed her out, told her how useless and pathetic she was for doing that to me, and I told her not to contact me anymore.  I also wrote out at least 3 pretty harsh jokes about her having only one hand.  I know that was totally uncalled for now, but it felt good at the time to do it.  She was writing me as if there was some big misunderstanding about the plans she had made with me.  She may have attempted to say she “chickened out”, but it didn’t matter.  She was already putting me in the position of meeting her “with friends”, which I absolutely hate doing.  Then, after agreeing to that really shitty scenario, she stood me up.

I stayed at that bar until around 1am, not because I had hope she would show up, but because I wanted to put myself through the misery of being someplace I didn’t want to be because some bitch lied me into going in the first place.  I wanted to absorb all of that negative emotion for as long as I could stand it, until I really wanted to go home and slam more vodka.

There was no giving up at that point though.  I had to meet someone.  Hanging out with old alcoholic guys was more depressing than being alone, and the more I was alone, the more time I had to act like a total dickhead on Facebook.  I believe a part of me hates Facebook to this day for giving me an outlet to make such an ass of myself.  I still get drunk and act stupid online, but I am not mean, depressed, and cruel to people.

When that woman stood me up on the very first date planned since Candy left, it reminded me of the long, hard road ahead in finding someone I am attracted to, who was available, who I could trust.  The person I was at that time would not allow me to find the “perfect woman for me” though, because I wasn’t myself.  I was lying to myself about not being in love with Candy and wanting her back, so I would naturally lie to myself about the kind of woman I would be truly happy with.

One woman was so physically awesome, and she agreed to model, and I still have yet to figure out what site I want to add her to.  It has been nearly 4 years since I took those photos, and I have yet to ever use any of them.  A part of me looks at that work as inferior because i was so very drunk most of the time.  Another part of me looks at that work and feels the pain I was in at that time.  Something has blocked me from using those photos, even though I have an ID, a model release, and she is physically amazing and impressive as a SSBBW.

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

It was awesome and amazing to meet someone so physically amazing and incredible.  I would have been instantly in love with her appearance with the hopes that her personality would not let me down.  She was unavailable though, of course.  She was available to mess around, but she was living in a situation that prevented any possibility of us being together.

This was another harsh reminder to me of the long hard road ahead in finding someone I could love like Candy.  The first woman to appear and actually come through and meet me would turn out to be someone that I would never have a chance of being with.  A woman who I could probably be content to be monogamous with for the rest of my life is just another fantasy.  Of course.

I didn’t give up though, I kept searching, and I reached another compromise.  There was one woman who was kind of aggressive online about wanting to meet up, but at the same time, she was a certain “type” that I was always hesitant to get involved with heavily.  I’ll just say it, she was a freaking “christian”.  She was eager to meet me though, and that seemed to be a rare occurrence for me in the online dating world, so I agreed to meet with her.

the christian bbw

the christian bbw

She was beautiful, and happened to remind me of someone from the distant past facially.  She had full, sexy arms, and DDD breasts, but she had kind of the typical “top heavy” figure, which has never been my total favorite.  Anyone who has seen images of Candy would realize quickly that her mass is more heavily distributed on the lower half.

Since as long as I can remember, there has been this thing about larger thighs.  In a previous post, I went into great detail about a theory that I have about being near sighted as a child and going years without wearing glasses.  I may have started to distinguish male from female by body shape more heavily than face, and because I had such an intense sexuality, I started to become attracted to larger and larger representations of visual femininity in the body.  I could recognize someone from a great distance before seeing their face by seeing their shape and even their walk.  I still do this, because I can recognize some people from a distance, looking at their back while they walk away.  I once picked out a woman I knew in a crowded mall on a Saturday from the second floor while she walked away on the first floor a great distance below and away from me.

Because of this, I have to admit even to myself that I developed a kind of “fetish” for large thighs.  I tried to overcome this, because I kept telling myself that I didn’t love Candy, I was no longer attracted to Candy, and I was not going to limit my potential sexual partners to women who are “Super sized” or super morbidly obese, who happen to have large thighs too.  That was too specific for my old, ugly, drunk ass.

I kind of settled, which is horrible, and I still feel guilt over how it hurt her when I had to tell her Candy was coming back.  I settled on her being religious, her being top heavy, and her being kind of distant and controlling herself.  It’s not like I wasn’t attracted to her, because at her size, with her shape, I could do things with her that I could not physically accomplish with Candy, ever.  She could literally ride me to the point where I was struggling to control climax.  Having those pendulous breasts swinging in my face while she gyrated on top of me was something that was kind of “new” to me, and it was literally amazing.

I know that sex is not the only thing that can keep a relationship together, and while I was still fixated on my preference for large thighs, I would end up cheating on the christian in order to see and photograph the unavailable ssbbw.  One time they actually passed each other in the parking lot because I was such a bastard.  I can’t believe that I was able to pull off that kind of timing while I was so hopelessly intoxicated most of the time.

By the time I started to “date” again, I did reduce the drinking a great deal.  I also got a job, which surprised even me at the time.  I didn’t just get a job, I got 2 offers and had to choose between them.  I also pulled that off just weeks before it would have bankrupted me to pay rent before getting the first paycheck.  My timing does seem pretty amazing, even when I am impaired.

I must have been dating the christian for a few months, because it really hurt her when I sat her down and told her that Candy was coming back to me.  I had to also admit that I had been talking to Candy behind her back, and that I loved Candy all along, even if I was trying to lie to myself about not loving her because she left me.

All of this seems to have wanted to come out of me today because it has been a few months since I had to hurt someone else emotionally, when Candy thought she wanted to leave and somehow we managed to work it out yet again.  I thought there was no way that I could have met someone that I would be so fond of while I was still living with Candy, even if she was planning to leave.  Maybe the fact that she didn’t just eject herself much faster gave me some kind of ability to find and meet exactly the kind of woman I would want to be with after she was gone.

That hurt me this time.  I had a few months to get to know someone who is physically amazing and complex intellectually.  Because Candy was leaving yet again, I was giving myself an opportunity to find the near perfect woman while Candy was still with me.  Of course, the second I find one that seemed to be really compatible, and have real potential, it would be ripped away from me because I cannot resist the loyalty of my love for Candy, and she changed her mind yet again.

Being with Candy for over a decade, I have been through more emotional turmoil than ever in my life.  That is saying a lot, since I lost my very first SSBBW porn site in a divorce when I left Lexi in Florida.  I was so young and foolish and impulsive, and even way back then, I had a level of maturity to realize that I had to leave that situation or I was going to end up getting in more and more trouble over time.

I have managed to resolve a lot of my feelings about Alexis, and what I went through in Florida, but it still impresses me that I was able to walk away from “my baby”.  i cared more about that first website, fatfantasy.net, than I ever cared about Alexis, and that’s exactly why it had to be given up, to save myself.

me and alexis so long ago

me and alexis so long ago

Now I have to deal with unresolved feelings from when I was a total dickweed on Facebook while Candy was gone both times.  I have to deal with the guilt of how I treated all the people involved who were just trying to help Candy, and they didn’t even love her the way I do.  I still have issues with getting intense and typing too much in a place I shouldn’t be while I am somewhat intoxicated, but nothing reaches the level of pure crazy that I dove into while Candy was gone both times.

I had to break someone’s heart because I could not choose them over Candy.  Not just because of the time I have known her, but because the intense level of emotion that has developed over that time.  Now I have to deal with that too.  I’m getting better, not letting myself get as drunk as I used to.  I try harder to resist the temptation to log on to social media when I pass a certain level of intoxication, but sometimes it is just too tempting, and too satisfying.

Writing while intoxicated is something that I picked up as a kind of coping mechanism to deal with the loss and pain of Candy leaving both of those times.  For a period of maybe a year or so since being in Vegas, Candy’s decisions kept me in a kind of emotional stasis where I had to go back to those habits to deal with what I was feeling at the time.

It’s amazing, that Candy and I were falling apart because we were staying in different rooms during the day, and the little interaction she got with me was when I would bust into the bedroom ranting about something on the news or something I saw online.  I failed to see how just being apart from each other, even in the same residence, was slowly destroying our relationship.  It would seem so obvious to anyone on the outside, but I was blinded by my bias, my emotions, and my past experiences.

I’m getting better, I’m writing this on day 6 without a cigarette, or I should say a real cigarette.  I’m still using nicotine replacement, with the nicotine patches and an e-cig, only for use when cravings reach a level of intensity that make me want to give up and buy a pack of cigarettes.  I’m limiting myself to a 12 pack of beer over a 2 day period, trying to give myself a break for a day or 2 between 12 packs.  If I drink more than 6 beers in one day, I am limiting my future intake the next day, and I won’t let myself buy more.

I still get loaded and type, but now my mood is so different.  I’m dealing with a lot of shit, and a lot of unresolved feelings, but I feel as if I am slowly stumbling out of some kind of haze that I have been living in for the past 3 to 4 years.  It’s not just the alcohol, it’s the experience of how different I am and felt before I started drinking to begin with.   It’s not like I am a life long alcoholic, I just started using it seriously after 40, and I’m 46 now.  I used to hate alcohol because I knew it was put in place as a sedative to get people to stop doing ALL OTHER DRUGS, which is pure and total bullshit.

I’m not just for marijuana legalization, I believe that all kinds of psychedelics should be legal too, because humans were given this huge brain to use in ways that our current proper and prudish society are literally SCARED TO USE.  After reading authors like Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert, I realize that there is great potential and discovery in using these drugs to stimulate parts of the brain that were probably created because humans were doing that shit millions of years ago to begin with!  Of course, if you are a hardcore christian, you might believe there is no way this planet can be that old.  That’s why I can’t get along with christians.

I have read studies about using LSD to cure alcoholism, and there are times I have to wonder if I inflicted that horrible disease on myself just to figure out how to cure myself later.  I compare that theory to the way that I suspect some plus sized models have a goal point to reach before they get weight loss surgery and start the process all over again.

I have a lot of crazy theories, and none of the education required to truly experiment with them.  My most intense theories are the ones I have about how one develops a fat fetish to begin with.  That thing about body recognition and a need for a super feminine form is a pretty good one.

Ok, now I’m rambling, and going off course.  This post should have ended when I used the term “over a decade” out of respect to the title. 🙂

 

 

big butts

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I caught this article about why men like big butts.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2979043/Why-Kim-Kardashian-s-booty-attractive-Men-prefer-women-curved-spines-suggests-better-FORAGING-food.html

What an oversimplification!  Although, I can imagine that if I was asked to point out my preference in the projection of the posterior, I would have answered 90 degrees instead of 45, but I am a super freak for big big butts.

In my case, big butts might happen to come with full, round, soft, sexy thighs.  I should just say “big thighs” but I know that is such a turn off to women that they pay big money to fix this “fault”.  I just love some big thighs.  Thighs that look too big for the rest of the body.  I don’t know how the curvature of the spine would come into play on that though.

I have always assumed that my preference for big thigh ssbbws was because of the enhanced appearance of femininity expressed by such a rounded and curvy silhouette.  I remember old television shows where a guy would create a violin shape with his hands to represent a woman who was “built like a brick shit house”.

I never thought of my preference as being all about “big butts”, but there seems to be a much greater likelihood of a woman having larger than average thighs if she also happens to possess a big round butt.  This is not always the case, I have seen my fair share of women who somehow have a large butt, and thighs smaller than mine.  I don’t want to offend women who happen to have skinny thighs, because I do not believe all men share my perception, but I somehow see skinny thighs and a small butt as masculine.

All of this is a matter of perception though, and just like the way some people saw a white and gold dress and some saw a black and blue one, I see masculinity and femininity expressed by shapes.  As long as I have researched why I might have been afflicted with such a sexual preference, I continue to be surprised at how most explanations go towards survival of the species and evolutionary preferences.

Ever since discovering the Venus of Willendorf statues, I have been enthralled with the possibility that my preference was born not just with me, but somewhere way back in the paleolithic era where those statues originated.  The earliest version of sculpture, and the first human representations are big fat women meant to be worn around the neck.

That is like the invention of art, sculpture, jewelry, and media preferred body types, and it took place over 10,000 years ago!  Long before the first television or magazine, there was something tangible that could be touched and worn that represented a preference for a big old fat woman!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_of_Willendorf

The existence of those statues seems to prove that somewhere throughout time in the paleolithic era, cavemen were carving these things out of stones as the very first sentiment of “I like big butts” was running through their heads.  I have to wonder if there is some kind of cellular memory in place within my very DNA that suggests I may have been related to one of those guys who carved these things.  I have let my hair grow to a point where I actually resemble a caveman now!

caveman obesiverse

caveman obesiverse

Those little statues seemed to have huge breasts, tiny forearms, but a big belly, big round butt, and some substantial thighs.  If you look around at a Wal Mart, you might notice that all big women are not built this way, and while I read somewhere that more women carry weight in the lower half, there are still a lot of top heavy women out there with huge breasts, big belly, tiny butt, narrow hips, and small thighs.

venus of willendorf

venus of willendorf

It seems like a lot is changing in the world of media right now, but as stories come out about the first plus sized woman to appear in a Sports Illustrated ad, or the first “super morbidly obese” woman to sign a major American modeling contract, I am reminded that the first super sized woman in media was created over 10,000 years ago.

These recent achievements are impressive, since for so many years, the media has been focused on a “thin is in” mentality.  In my humble opinion, all of that was done in order to create the billion dollar surgical, diet, and medical device industry.  It seems that the pendulum of time always swings back and forth, and I always thought in the back of my mind that one day, all this obsession with being thin and not being fat was going to eventually cause an equal and opposite effect.

The explosion of bbw content and ssbbw content in the adult areas of the internet is really fascinating to me, because my very first plus sized website specialized in ssbbw, before the bbw niche even existed itself.  Back in 1998 when I started fatfantasy.net with big big big alexis, I didn’t care that the only few other bbw sites out there showed much smaller women.  I never really thought about the possibility that my site could fail, because as much as I was into ssbbw, I knew I could not be the only one.  I wasn’t.

I was inspired by the appearance of a woman who acted under the name Teighlor.  I can’t say how much she weighed exactly, because as much as I am interested in numerology, the numbers side of the fat fetish don’t hold any interest to me at all.  I am more interested in what I can see and perceive, and Teighlor was an ultimate example of the “pear shape” or bottom heavy figure.

She had huge thighs that rolled up on themselves, and hips that extended way outside of her relatively small waist.  She had breasts that were probably large as DDD, but they were dwarfed by her massive arms and hips.  Even with that build, she had a really small belly for her size, although it would still appear huge on a woman under 200lbs.

ssbbw teighlor

ssbbw teighlor

Teighlor was a major influence to me, because way back when I was around 17 or so, I started shopping at adult book stores even though I wasn’t supposed to.  I was able to buy beer so easily that I never hesitated to go to those places before I was 18.  When i saw her, she was the largest woman I had ever seen in adult content.  She didn’t simply prance around showing off clothing like today’s typical ssbbw model, she actually did hardcore porn in several videos.  She appeared in one hardcore sex video with the Ron Jeremy too.

When I saw her in that content, I realize that there was a possibility that I could find another Teighlor.  Of course she would not be exactly like the one and only Teighlor, but there were similar representations out there.  Teighlor made me realize that I might actually find a woman to create exactly the kind of content that I wanted to see more of out there.  At the time, Teighlor really was the only woman that size who was doing the hardcore thing.

If you peek around at corporate porn sites, you still won’t see any women this big doing hardcore porn that is distributed in that way.  I use the word “corporate” because they are the “big sites” that built up with big investors who could advertise for models, and hire specialists to do each and every job.  I am only stuck in the amateur category because I do all the jobs myself and I refuse to invest much of anything into a business that I am amazed is successful at all.

There are plenty of ssbbws coming close to her size modeling now, but again, very few of them will go as far as she did.  I believe that influence, at that early age, contributed to the reason why I am compelled to go further than doing just eating videos or videos of ssbbw walking around in different outfits.  I was not aroused by that type of material myself, so it never occurred to me to limit my content to those boundaries.

Teighlor and Layla Lashell actually appeared in a movie called “The Dark Backward”, so they have a genuine movie credit to their names.  I believe that Teighlor was in a few, but I am getting to that, or not.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101660/

still from The Dark Backward

still from The Dark Backward

Teighlor’s credit in that movie is “Debra Perkins”, and I can’t find Layla Lashell in the credits, but I remember a reference to Layla Anthony in the past, and that doesn’t show either.  Layla does have her own IMDB actress page though, and it’s quite extensive.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0489538/

So, I am excited about Kelly Shibiri appearing on the cover of Penthouse, and the woman in that bikini ad in Sports Illustrated, and the big sexy woman with tattoos who actually got the big modeling firm to notice her as a serious fashion model for people who aren’t perfect, but still incredibly beautiful.

There is so much more media out there, but it looks like I really got off the subject there.  I started out talking about “big butts” and went into so many different areas.  I could have focused on that one aspect, and pointed out how the butt was relevant in every situation, but it’s probably obvious how a big butt is something all these things have in common.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/30/penthouse-forum-plus-size-model_n_5240266.html

Oh, since I brought up the penthouse thing, here is a link for you.  I was buzzed one night and started to email back and forth with Shibiri on Facebook to let her know how important I thought this accomplishment was.  I was too loaded, talked too much, and probably freaked her out. 🙂

All this is relevant because there is an obvious way in which society has been rejecting this inner impulse to visually appreciate the appearance of fat.  It seems like some kind of guilty pleasure, and a friend from a long time ago put it really good with this expression.  “Fat chicks are like mopeds.  Everybody wants to ride one, but nobody wants to be seen on one.”  A fat chick told me that!  I thought I had heard it all, but this was before the internet, and before I had an opportunity to do much more research about fat chicks than hang out in malls and supermarkets.

Back before the internet, it was quite a task to find a plus sized woman “out there”, much less a super sized one.  The super sized women must have existed, as they always have, since 10,000 years ago, but they were usually shuttered away somewhere, in a back room of a house where some family member is taking care of them.  They were “protected” and “isolated”.  There was no way for someone like me to find them, which is why I actually got certified as a nursing assistant, to work in nursing homes, where one might happen to reside.

I know, that is fucking diabolical.  i can’t believe I did that myself, but I still have the certification, it’s from 1996, before there was such a thing as a bbw dating site.  By the way, never use niche dating sites.  It is tempting to believe you could find a local fatty on one of those, but there is just no way.  There are way more than enough bbws out there to populate the nationally popular dating sites, so using those will give you the greatest odds of finding a real life local bbw, not some fake profile that was put there to make it look like there is even one freaking local WHERE YOU LIVE.

Anyway, fuck bbw dating sites, that’s out of the way.  I did go so far as getting a freaking nursing assistant certification, and spent nearly a whole tax return on that freaking course.  I also worked for free for 40 hours of “clinical” in a real “long term facility”.  That shit was some of the most traumatic, fucked up experience of my entire life.  It was a depression that I could feel, weighing me down, making it hard to breathe and even walk.

When I walked into the first patient’s room and got his back story, the instructor looked at me and asked me if I was ok, because I had turned more white than I already am, and was obviously in some kind of total daze.

The guy was a professor of something at a local college, and he had a heart attack and died, but was revived too late.  He just sat there looking like someone who had been lobotomized, holding on to this little teddy bear.  I almost lost my shit.  I did not understand what the meaning of the word “empath” was at that time, but I do now, and I can still almost feel what I felt while I was standing in that room 19 years ago.

I knew that I could stick out the 40 hours, even after that experience, but I also knew I never wanted to work in that kind of environment.  I did get to bathe a 70 something year old plumper with a nice set of breasts on her, but it was uncomfortable for me because I wasn’t old enough to develop the more deviant part of my sexuality just yet.

From that experience, I now understand why I have this fascination with older women’s breasts.  It seems like with some women, the breasts just stop aging somewhere around 40, so somehow, there are 40 year old breasts on a 70 year old woman.  I know, that is so freaking horrible, this is why I never allowed myself to work in a real nursing home after getting the certification.  I knew that I was not aroused the first time I washed an old lady’s breasts, but I shudder to think what could have happened if I had developed that little kink.  I know about “abuse of the infirm”, and how serious that shit is.

I would never push anyone to do anything against their will, but a part of me has thought deeply enough about what “could have happened” to imagine that even if an older lady was seriously enjoying anything I wanted to do with her, there are people who would assume that she was not in total control of what she was doing, and I was taking advantage of her.  Maybe that would not be the case nowadays, but back in the 90’s, you didn’t have all this “cougar” propaganda in the media.  A young guy doing much of anything with a 60 or 70 year old would just be looked upon in one way and one way only.

Wow, I went on quite a trip there!  It’s ironic that because i was certified as a nursing assistant, one of the cons that Alexis in Florida ran on me was that she knew a woman who might be institutionalized because she was super sized but had nobody to take care of her.  Alexis was such a total liar, and back in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I was incredibly fucking naive.

Alexis is the woman I started fatfantasy.net with.  When the internet finally did happen, and I was meeting my share of plus and super sized women in my late 20’s, I came across this woman who was the largest woman i had ever seen besides Teighlor.  She was no where nearly as facially charismatic as Teighlor was, but I was amazed and impressed with her huge body.

Now I understand why women say “I am not a fetish”.  I also got a very good lesson in the term “bagger”.  I was literally seeing Alexis as a fetish.  All I saw was her short stature, and her amazing neck down resemblance to Teighlor.  I made promises I could not keep with her, because as young and foolish as I was, I thought I could resist the temptation of going off on my own with any one of the more charismatic bbws that I was working with at the time.

alexis of fatfantasy.net

alexis of fatfantasy.net

When I think back to how all that went down, I can actually feel somewhat guilty now.  I was not prepared for the responsibility of taking care of Alexis and maintaining my younger desire to experience being with as many ssbbws out there who would let me, until someone would cast some kind of spell on me to stop it.  I think that is what Alexis thought when she encouraged me to marry her, which was not a very good decision on my part when I think back.

I was encouraging a delusion she had that I was the perfect devoted husband.  I really did not deserve to be in the position I was in at that time, because now that I am older, I take responsibility for conning her in the same way she constantly lied to me.

I had a vision of what could happen if me and her partnered up for this ssbbw project.  When I look back, I did a lot of stuff wrong in the technical department just like I did in the relationship department.  Alexis was a supreme pathological liar, but now that I am more mature, I can think back to the ways I pushed her to lie so hard to me.

I started out making big promises that I should have known better than to ever make.  I knew that I was not totally attracted to her, but more amazed with her substantially huge body.  Looking at her in some of the old photos, I think that I was really harsh on her at the time.  I was just so young and dumb though.  How could she have ever thought I was able to be totally sincere as I watched all these bbws and ssbbws walk around wearing next to nothing, or sometimes just nothing?

I was lucky to get to photograph everyone that I photographed.  I think back to some of the photos that I created, and how I will still occasionally see one of my own photos grouped together with the oldest examples of super massive models out there.  I knew I was on to something with Alexis, but now I realize that I should have kept it strictly business, and not tried to incorporate a relationship into our partnership.

With Candy, it’s different.  I am attracted to her in a way that I am attracted to nobody else.  From the very first time I saw her, I felt something within me change ever so slightly.  It did not cause any kind of instant maturity or reaction, but after meeting her, I could not let her go.  If there was a possibility that I could have her, I had to have her, and that’s the kind of attraction I never had for Alexis.

Back in February of 2008, I told Candy that I was tired of working with other people, and I was ready to go monogamous.  It was less than a year later she would leave for the first time.  I have repeated that over and over in the course of this blog, but it is relevant, because in the end, I was the one who left Alexis and fatfantasy.net behind forever.

When Candy left me both times, I was left on my own for 4 months and then another 8 months to consider everything that was wrong with me, and how wrong I was to so many people in my past who would have stuck by me no matter what a dick or alcoholic or whatever I was.  The minute I find someone that I want to give my heart to exclusively, I lose her, and a part of me felt like I deserved it.

me and alexis so long ago

me and alexis so long ago

When I look at this photo of me with her, I realize that she wasn’t that bad.  The last time Candy was gone I would have felt fortunate to meet a woman with even less charisma.  Actually, when Candy was gone last time, I did get with at least one woman who was not as impressive as Alexis was at her worst. I was depressed, drunk, and missing Candy though, so I felt lucky to get that at the time.

I’m really glad that I set out to write this.  I know that I ended up going way out into left field by talking about Alexis and fatfantasy.net, but honestly, Alexis was the very first example of a really ginormous butt on the level of Teighlor that I ever experienced being with.  Years later, i would meet just a few more women who came close to the size and shape that Teighlor had, but after my experience with Alexis, I knew that it would take more than a “big butt” to make me fall in love.

When I left Florida, I left fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net after experiencing “online success” for the very first time.  I think it made quite an impression, because I would go on to create 3 more member websites, all related to bbw, and all created with some kind of need to avenge myself in the loss of all the content I created years ago.

I had a set of 21 cd’s with all the photos that I took with the digital camera while in Florida.  I kept those things for years, until one year, I got this weird depression and decided to cut them all up.  Before doing it, I saved one cd worth of images that I carefully selected from all the cd’s, and then I destroyed everything else.  I had been tortured by the fact that I had all this content that I created and could not use it for so many years.  I will always feel kind of weird about it, and a sense of loss after doing it, but within a month of destroying all those cd’s, I heard that Alexis had passed away.

I went looking around for the folder that contains those images, because I happened to save all the images that I took of Alexis.  I didn’t find them just yet, but they are backed up somewhere, likely on multiple dvd’s and also on a hard drive that is not in use right now.  If I were able to choose the right photo of Alexis, and locate the right photo of Teighlor, and put them one after another, it would be easy to see why I got so freaked out that I let myself freaking get married to this woman after knowing her less than a year.

The vision I had in my head of the potential for the success I could create clouded my judgement about how to actually exist in that situation in harmony with Alexis and with myself.  I was just way too immature at that time, and I never imagined that I could ever create something that would start churning out as much as a thousand a month just by photographing someone and posting the photos on a website.

I’m sure that at the time, the smaller bbws who were getting into this would look at us like we were some kind of circus freaks, because even now, Candy is hesitant to go to anything “bbw related” because she knows how she will be perceived by some of the smaller bbws.  She herself used to perceive someone who is her size now as being weak and unhealthy.  Now she can’t help but project that assumption on to others, and it doesn’t help when many of them are not very social to her.  That might have more to do with me and my bad behavior in the past, or the fact that Candy will admit to me sometimes that she “really doesn’t like people very much”.

Ok, this was about big butts, not the prejudice that bbws seem to have for ssbbws.  That is a real thing though, I am not making it up.  That’s probably why I used to get so pissed when bbw bashes would advertising while using the words “size acceptance”, because I know deep down that it’s bullshit.

SSBBW Candy Godiva has a big butt

SSBBW Candy Godiva has a big butt

Now THAT is a BIG BUTT!  Candy’s got one.  She was also blessed with those big thighs I am so attracted to, or I see as being “ultra feminine” in appearance.  I can’t help it if skinny thighs look masculine to me.  At this point, I see a woman as more than just body parts, but in order for my penis to operate at full effectiveness, I also tend to prefer certain things over others.

So, I am not with Candy because she has big thighs, and I push all kinds of negative shit about her out of my mind.  Candy just happens to have this wonderfully compatible, sexy personality with mine, and she “just happens” to have big thighs too.  It is actually possible to “have it all”.

Ok, Candy woke up from a nap, and I’m over 4000 words, so I should pick some tags and get the hell out of here!  I hope this is helping my writing get better, even if I do tend to skip from subject to subject with the tiniest hair of a connection between them! 🙂

I almost forgot, while talking about Layla Lashell, that she appeared in “album art” way back before a newer younger ssbbw started appearing in music videos.

layla lashell in album art for tool undertow

layla lashell in album art for tool undertow

To quote the wiki page for the Tool Undertow album, “The album art was designed by Adam Jones.[6] Photos in the liner notes of a nude obese woman, a nude man of normal weight, and the band members with pins in the sides of their heads generated controversy, resulting in the album being removed from stores such as Kmart and Wal-Mart.”

Great job Layla, you got Tool kicked out of Wal-Mart!!! 🙂  SSBBWs, always causing trouble! 🙂 I’ve had 8 different youtube channels deleted because they say Candy’s belly is “obscene” even when there is NO NUDITY.

I just came back to add something that may actually be relevant to the preference for big butt ssbbws.  I am near sighted.  That means that my vision can get a little blurry past a few feet in front of me.  I was not diagnosed as a child up until I was nearly 12 or so.  It is hard for me to pick the exact age, because I don’t seem to have the ability to remember exact years.

In either case, I have a theory that at that early age, while my sexuality was first forming, there was some need to have additional cues to insure that I was looking at a woman versus a male.  If things got fuzzy past a certain point, it stands to reason that maybe, I needed the visual cues of femininity to be spectacular and unmistakable.

In this age of transgender acceptance, I realize why I may have had some objection to being totally accepting of people who switch gender.  There is a possibility that my entire preference was born at an age where my vision encouraged me to pursue women based on factors of unmistakable femininity.

I had my first revelation of being attracted to ssbbws at the age of 16, when a guy on the school bus mentioned seeing the biggest girl in my school getting dressed through her window.  He was being offensive and insulting about it, but as I pictured it in my mind, I started to get a massive erection.

Of course, she had the wide hips, big, big butt, and sexy big thighs that I am still obsessed with to this day.  I attempted to go out with her, and I was not secretive about it in the least.  She was kind of freaked out by my attention and she stopped seeing me.

The rejection wasn’t such a big deal, but I realized that there was basically “nobody left” in my entire high school that I would be really attracted to once I realized I was attracted to her and she dumped me.  She was the biggest one, where would I go from there?

When I was 17 I looked old enough to buy beer, and the drinking age had not been jacked up to 21.  I started hanging out at bars, and eventually, I came across another woman with a similar shape, who was quite a bit smaller.  She was in her early 20’s, so she was an “older woman” in addition to being just “big enough” to capture my attention in a bar that may have held about 40 to 50 people at the time.

That woman would end up being my first ex wife.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but there was “something missing”.  I thought I was totally content with a bbw just under 300lbs who had the shape I am so attracted to.  It turned out, my lack of sexual experience would catch up with me, and not long after getting married, I had a little bit of an experimental fling with a top heavy woman.

I had to get out of that first marriage because I knew that there was something out there that I was meant to discover, to do, or to create.  I probably could have created content with my first ex wife if the internet existed at that time, but the problem is in the way I don’t think I would have become a computer tech if I had stayed married to her.  If I hadn’t become a computer tech, I probably would not have had the confidence to become a webmaster later.

Now I have told a story within a story, long after I was going to stop this post!  I wanted to express the possibility that my vision issue at an early age caused me to distinguish males from females by examining the whole body from head to toe, instead of relying on typical cues of femininity.

Even years after vision was corrected, there must have still been some lingering need to distinguish male from female by body type, because the instant I pictured that girl’s huge butt swinging back and forth nude as she walked, I would forever be afflicted with a serious attraction to a really large butt.

I have said it over and over, that smaller thighs appear masculine in my perception, but for some reason, it never hit me until now that being near sighted at an early age and not having it corrected until later might have had a not so subtle effect on my sexual preference for a super size bbw.

 

 

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