Posts tagged feedee
No, I’m not talking about that cheesy movie from a long time ago. I think that last post was a bit harsh. I was trying to maintain a sense of humor, but as always, i got really critical of the very audience that has supported my work for nearly a decade. I wasn’t really insulting the entire audience though, just the ones who have never actually supported the work because they always watched stuff that came out for free.
I don’t want to get started all over again about that, but I just wanted to say that without taking the time to go re-read what I wrote, I will get a little more specific about who I meant to be critical of. It’s one thing to be complimented on work that someone saw completely free, but it’s another thing when other people are literally posting entire clips on a file sharing site, and then suddenly there are over a dozen clips floating around “for free”. Then someone responds to some twitter update by saying how great the content is, but they have never actually paid for it.
There is a consequence of doing that, and eventually, it is called “going out of business.” I should not have complained so harshly in that previous post, but later on that day I started to come down with symptoms of some kind of cold. The next day I had a fever over 100 degrees and I was sick for nearly 2 weeks with a pretty severe sinus infection.
In the middle of all that, I was informed that my van was going to get towed away soon at great expense if I did not get rid of it on my own, or finally fix it and renew registration. They would charge $300 for the tow that I did not want even if I told them to keep the van. I called the tow company, and they made an offer to buy the van for $50, but I had already made arrangements to sell it for $60 to another guy.
That might sound like I was ripped off something horrible, because the fuel pump I replaced just months before cost more than that. It cost me $300 to have the transmission mounts replaced, so that one bracket could come loose and nearly break my steering column. Now the van is not going to be a money pit any longer, and I believe that positive changes have happened because I got rid of it. Because there is less money coming in, the van will stop leeching money that I can’t even use as a business expense because the van wasn’t used in the business. The van became a real problem on a regular basis, and was no longer very reliable, so it simply had to go.
The van was simply too messed up after the transmission bracket came loose to fix easily. Even if the bracket could have been put back, the steering column was hit and leaking, and that was going to go sooner or later and in a very unsafe and probably horrifying way. So, I had to say goodbye to the van I have had for nearly a decade right in the middle of the worst illness I’ve experienced in that same period of time. I never get sick, but I had worn myself down with stress and anxiety about too many things, and I had to finally let the van go.
So, I just wanted to post a note here as I logged in to check on updates and other stuff. I know that i was being really insulting to an entire group of people out there who will never, ever pay for content. I can’t blame them in a way, but still, I am a “small business” not a big Hollywood studio. I know that other small businesses have gotten larger with expansion, but at this point, I have other issues going on that prevent me from giving 100% of myself to any business.
Just last week I tripped myself on the cane I use to walk because I need a hip replacement. In the fall I hurt the “good leg”, so it was even harder to walk for a few days. It just happened to be right before a weekend spent with a friend where I would want to help them out by doing some house work. Then, she discourages me from drinking, on the night I really could have used it, so I just passed out. I needed a drink more than ever being in the kind of pain I was in, and trying not to take pain pills for it. Luckily it didn’t hurt when I wasn’t moving or walking, so I was able to pass out, regardless of what kind of plans she may have had for “later”.
When I do finally quit drinking, that will be my decision. Being told “no” by someone is a harsh reminder of the way I am guiding my life in the next few months. It’s never too late to stop what is planned, but I have a feeling I’m going to have to go through the whole experience to know that I “maybe should not have done that.” I know I’m talking in code, but maybe in the near future I’ll be spilling all kinds of stuff here because I won’t have much else to do.
Well it had to happen sooner or later! All that time with a regular pattern of updating a clips4sale store with a new clip in expectation of being able to pay certain bills with that money is now over.
It’s a good thing that the website (exoticbbw.com) actually made MORE money than the clip store this month, because if it hadn’t, I would be in some deep shit financially. As it stands, I have given in to the temptation to donate freaking plasma in order to be able to make up for the LOSS that clips4sale has generated at this point.
Regularly, there would be an attempt to upload at least one new feeder clip per week, and there were times when Candy might skip a week because she just wasn’t up to getting made up and filmed doing something that she loves doing so much. Even if Candy really enjoys binging, being filmed while she does it seems to take away some degree of enjoyment for her.
This is ironic, because over the past couple of years, Candy would make the sacrifice in binging in front of a camera knowing that she would not enjoy it quite as much, for the sake of being able to financially support the types and amounts of food she wanted to enjoy.
Now, with clips4sale generating a revenue of about $50 per clip (6 clips this month), it is obvious that Candy will have to go CHEAP on the food, which means no more big feasts, at least until something changes with this crappy revenue from each clip.
Something has changed over there at clips4sale, and I am not quite sure what it is, but something has seriously been altered, shifted, edited, cancelled, or something. Some form of advertising or promotion that they used to employ must have completely collapsed, because over the past few months, income dropped dramatically, and it has stayed at the same low level even though there was an attempt at adding 6 clips in one month instead of just 4.
I have come to the realization that sites like facebook and twitter are pretty much useless to promote anything now. Candy and I used to have a term “ya-losers” which represented the losers on yahoo who would compliment and beg for free stuff YEARS AGO. They thought that a little flattery could get them some free content, because for whatever reason, they decided that since yahoo was free, everything that is promoted on yahoo should be free too. That graphic above shows how there are winners and losers in this business, and if you aren’t “sinfully divine” you are basically FUCKED right now on clips4sale as a SSBBW, or “super fatty” or as Candy calls them “blob chicks”.
Now, that has moved over to twitter losers and facebook losers, asking for “chat” and wanting to have their email read to Candy, in the hopes that being told for the thousandth time she is “so sexy” will have her offering to sit for hours in chat with some loser who isn’t spending one penny for her time.
In twitter, there is a monster machine of compliment and flattery, which would be awesome if that kind of thing paid one cent towards any bills that were covered by the clips4sale income. At this point, all the compliments are more annoying than flattering, because as we watch revenue go down, we realize that a majority of people who try to contact Candy at all are usually the wankers that want free shit, not the people who paid for a clip, got off to it, and went on with their fucking life.
Porn used to be something that was sold in a seedy type of bookstore downtown, and the customers did not interrogate the store clerk about “When was this made?” and “How much does she weigh right now?” These new questions and concerns came from some assumption that porn will be “interactive” and every time some jerk off pays $15 for a clip, they should get a half hour or more of free chat in the process. Some want to play “20 dumb ass questions”, and some even ask about free “video chat”! What a bunch of losers.
Now, I have started using the hashtag #freeloadingfeeders because as much as they seem to compliment Candy’s work, even calling her “legendary”, they are doing it in forums where more than a dozen clips are shared freely at a time. I just had to get a bunch of shit removed from a file sharing service that is in Taiwan, and fortunately they actually took the shit down when I filled out a DMCA complaint form. It took a few days, but that shit is gone now, and I will be keeping an eye on the fucking blog that keeps posting this free shit.
I’m sure that many other blogs post the same links, so the actual blog is not important, what’s important is that I am WATCHING now, and I will keep filling out that DMCA form anywhere and everywhere I see my shit distributed for free.
It figures that I was ok with a “little piracy” when it was promotional and it helped me make more money with my work. Now, I realize that all the free shit out there is basically over-riding the need to pay for anything, because there are at least 3 to 5 “Candy replacements” out there now, doing all the same shit over and over. Some have whole groups of fatties who get together and work out some kind of deal to split up all that “money” they WON’T BE MAKING.
Maybe they just do it for fun now, or just for the food. Candy has located at least one SSBBW out there who loves to binge on cam so much she does it right on youtube absolutely free. This is exactly what we needed to help boost our sales!
People seem to believe that porn will just keep rolling out no matter how much money it generates, but that is simply not the case. I understand totally now why so many models QUIT EVENTUALLY as I talked about in another blog post in the past. Sure, there will always be free shit, but YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR and that shit is pathetic, but hey, whatever.
There is no more incentive to keep creating this stuff if there is no money being made from it, period. Watch as this economy keeps dropping into the shitter, and see how many of these lovely fat women quit doing this shit because it is NOT WORTH THEIR TIME FOR FREE.
People will keep producing stuff, and I guess eventually, there will just be a few conglomerates or REALLY POPULAR FATTIES that keep going because they are the ones who are still making some money. In the meantime, I get hit with alleged compliments that are REALLY INSULTS because people are TOO FUCKING DUMB TO REALIZE THAT WE DON’T APPRECIATE PEOPLE STEALING OUR SHIT OR WATCHING IT FOR FREE.
Either way, there is a quit date on the horizon at this point. I appreciate the money that was made in the time that it was made, but I don’t fucking work for free. Candy doesn’t either. Now that she sees the money going down, she feels somewhat insulted and it is doubly difficult for her to stomach making any kind of sacrifice in vein. She would rather binge off cam because “Fuck that shit it’s not going to make money anyway.”
So, the freeloading feeders can keep asking “How big is Candy?” and shit like that, and they will keep getting either ignored, or told to shut the fuck up and buy a fucking clip to find out. Odds are, if they are asking, it’s because they DON’T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING anyway. That is leading me to assume that the d-bags that ask me shit are the least likely to spend cash, so they should fucking be ignored. The ones buying the shit are wanking to it and going on with their life, because they actually have one. The ones chatting me or Candy up are the losers that are “too good to pay for porn” or something.
I think I’ve gotten most of my irritation with all this out of my system now, but it should be noted in a very public way that I am working on something really cool to do that makes me money in the future, and I’ll be very happy not to depend on the fickle nature of porn and it’s “fans”. I can see why some people who have quit porn are so irritated by it, and by the shadow of former fame that continues to follow them even though the MONEY DOESN’T.
I used to walk around looking at women, thinking to myself “Wow, that one would get a great reaction online!” and now I realize that I would never want to condemn someone else to the pitiful fate of being led on with some regular cash at first, then the disappointment and let down of making less and less because of so many women and their grandmothers, literally, jumping into the porn and/or tease game. I even got to meet one woman who has an impressive body that I KNOW people would love to see at all angles doing all kinds of “adult” things… Well, that SHIT ISN’T HAPPENING so this body is ALL TO MYSELF, FREELOADING FUCKS!
I even had this woman ask me flat out if there was any way I could sneak her into my work without giving up her identity, and I was like “Fuck that shit, these d-bags will have your shit all over the place trying to figure out who you are, so fuck them, it’s not worth the whole $10,000 you MIGHT make per year showing off, then watching that dwindle down to EVEN LESS OVER TIME. This shit has me wishing that I had used all the free time I had to figure out another way to make better money doing something that didn’t cater to such a group of low life freeloaders like porn surfers.
Yeah, I said it, and believe me, the most popular SSBBW making the most money is THINKING THE SAME THING. They are just smart enough not to say anything online (or maybe not when it comes to the freeloaders). Either way, I don’t go to strip clubs, even if there are fat women, because it’s depressing and horrible to watch women beg these cheap mouth breathing freaks for cash (me included, I’m a cheap bastard too).
I know, “Tell us what you really think” right? Well, that’s what I really think. The people who have written to me asking this or that, pestering me for details that they could easily pay to see, are even more extremely irritating to me now that there is literally NO MONEY IN THIS SHIT ANYMORE. All these new BBWs and SSBBWs want to jump into this shit because now it’s “ok to be a fat model”.
Yeah, I never thought I would wish for the days when more fat women hid themselves! There was a GOOD REASON fat women were so HARD TO TALK INTO MODELING back in 1998 when I did my first fat porn website… Now that there are just a dozen more than “internet capacity” the money has run out like a SSBBW PORN BUBBLE BURST.
Take it from me, when I see “she’s legendary” in the comments on a forum where my shit is being FLAT OUT STOLEN AND SHARED I get pretty offended, and Candy does too. That’s why it is only a matter of time before this shit is not going to be produced anymore. Fortunately though, I will STILL HAVE MY SHIT DELETED AS A FUCKING HOBBY just to irritate the fucking freeloaders. I’m going to make my shit as rare as a Prince music video on fucking youtube, just for fun, out of spite to these freeloading fuckers.
I may seem kind of angry, but I’m watching a business I built back in 2003 go down the toilet. Even worse, it was my SECOND ATTEMPT because that big bitch Alexis from fatfantasy.net basically stole my first SSBBW project away from my young dumb ass in 1998. That makes it even worse, because had I been given the advantage of never having to FUCKING START OVER I may have been able to milk this shit for even more before EVERY FAT WOMAN AND THEIR GRANDMOTHER STARTED FUCKING MODELING. Even worse, they can “barely model” at all and still suck out of that limited pool of fat jerk off money on the internet.
Now there are so many bbws that appear somewhere on the internet, some bbws call themselves models when they have no website, and they have not formally appeared in any capacity. Those are really “escorts” though, and that’s a whole other story because I am in Las Vegas, where you literally CAN’T THROW A STICK WITHOUT HITTING AN ESCORT. So, the escorts call themselves “models” now trying to get around laws against prostitution. Yeah, they AREN’T MODELS. They will say they can “model for $300” but don’t be fooled, the cops will get them eventually. It looks like the show “Cops” on television makes busting prostitutes seem more like a hobby than a “job”.
I’ve probably gotten all of this angst out of my system by now. I’ll be having an interesting new year’s eve, and not quite what I would have imagined just 2 years ago. So much has changed, and I have done a terrible job of documenting it better here. I’ve had such an interest in writing, but I never really went anywhere with it. Even this post is more like a bitch out session to the entire internet than a “regular blog post”, but that seems to be my “style” when I get busy typing. It’s like therapy for me to get all this out, and while some people would not consider me very “professional” for doing it this way, I have never done anything business related exactly how other people would do things. I do things MY WAY and I did not fail to make money for over a decade with that philosophy.
Now I am just a dinosaur in this realm though. I don’t pull out a funnel to force feed, I don’t even get squashed regularly, and Candy doesn’t want to squash me because she doesn’t want to fuck me up for a clip that won’t make money anyway.
Candy was never one to do “whatever I told her”, she is independant, and she can be hard to work with as well. It is no surprise that very few efforts to have her model with other people have been followed through on. Candy has her own anxieties and her own hesitation when it comes to doing certain things and trying to model with other people. Even if there were a line of people wanting to model with Candy, it would be difficult for her to make it happen unless the person was very likable AND persistent. It would help if they didn’t have “some dude” start talking to Candy about modeling rather than the model herself, and it really isn’t going to happen if someone comes across as wanting or NEEDING shit. A friend in need is a friend indeed… There is a good fucking reason for that saying, and I’ve had to learn it the hard way, thanks again Goddamn Patty…
Unfortunately, people with both of those qualities very rarely exist, it’s usually one or the other, and there is usually a giant AGENDA that rules over it all. You just have to hope that the agenda they say they have matches the one they REALLY HAVE. I won’t even get into the bullshit with “Goddess Patty” that never should have happened… Fucking con artist… I’ve been told that the well known plus sized (some say SSBBW but she won’t) model Tess Holiday has ripped some people off before too, but it’s all forgiven, because she’s so popular and “likable” now. Yeah, don’t believe everything you see on television, or movies, because those people can be con artists JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE, and if they used to work in media and quit, DON’T BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT A COME BACK. That move is used to rip your ass off so quick you don’t see it until they left town.
The title might be misleading, because I am not talking about anxiety on a ‘hardcore’ level. That would become apparent without explanation, but I was compelled to use that title before thinking of how it would appear to have a different meaning than what I wanted to infer, simply because the story of why it exists would clear it up without this ‘disclaimer’ being used to clarify.
I found this unusual feeling of anxiety come over me just before posting the last clip on the store. It is a hardcore clip, and I really like this one because I had been practicing some mental exercises to regain a much higher level of climax control.
It had been a long time since getting back in front of the camera myself, and the previous time, there was more time spent waiting for climax to chill the fuck out instead of doing some serious continuous porno style pounding.
I don’t have anxiety about getting in front of the camera, because in the end, I choose what to release and what not to release. At the same time, I still ponder releasing content that shows me passing out drunk while trying to have sex with a ssbbw and she’s texting people on her phone.
I think that shit is awesome. I find the reality sense of flawed work more interesting than something that looks plastic, fake, and magazine cut out. I find it funny when I am failing in front of the camera as I look at it afterwards. While in front of the camera, because I have been doing this for over a decade, I don’t feel anxiety at all about it. I can’t, because if I were to let that creep in, I would have difficulty in maintaining erection AND controlling climax at the same time.
That is the worst too, because if there is ANY effort being put forth in order to maintain an erection, one has to continually skate the edge of climax. If there is ANY issues going on with maintaining control of climax, you are just fucked, and not in a good way.
Just wanted to add some music, if it stays there, but this is a stable channel. I almost laughed as I typed that. I have had 8 youtube channels deleted because even though Candy was not nude in any of the clips, they were considered “obscene”, according to the standard terms of service note that let me know they were digitally murdering 8 of my fucking channels.
There is probably more anxiety about doing hardcore video on Candy’s side than mine. I don’t have anxiety because again, I can just delete the clip, or distribute it for free somewhere as if it got “leaked”. I use EVERYTHING though. My first porno was on VHS tape, and I got it mail order by lying about my age by signing some bogus form, after saving up from mowing lawns to buy my first VCR just for this purpose.
The first porno was not edited at all. There was a disembodied voice of a producer in the background telling them what to do. There was also a lot of laughing and messing around that was probably supposed to be cut out. Some guy literally paid a couple of people to fuck in front of a camera, then placed a tiny ad in the back of a porno, and sold this shit probably out of his house.
The actors in that first porno were not fat. I wanted to see “porno” because I had been exposed to it “at a friend’s house” at probably the age of 14 or 15. Once I got a taste, I had to keep watching it sooner or later. I believe one of the first films I ever saw was “taboo”, but I can’t be sure if it was that movie, or if that was a preview that was shown before the cheesy crap that was being put out at that time.
I eventually tripped across fat porn by literally calling every 1 800 number associated with every porno ad in the back of every porno mag I could get my hands on. Long before the internet, I was doing research by literally cold calling porn distributors asking them for fat porn.
Using that technique, I eventually came across a few fat porno tapes, but a lot of them were from Europe, because back in the 80’s, nobody thought of using fat models for porno until some creepy guy started calling all of them asking for fat porn.
I remember “wrinkles and ripples”, which was probably made in the UK, because there was no dialogue, only shitty music, but there was a scene where two guys walk into a building, and the architecture is unmistakably European, and early 80’s. One or both of these 2 guys walking into a fat prostitute’s apartment were not circumcised either, which is a sure sign that they were not in America.
I am circumcised because it was forced on me, but I’ll take it, because a lot of women seem to prefer it. I still don’t think it’s cool to just do it without permission from the male though. People bitch about genital mutilation in Africa while they do this shit to every male born as a standard in the USA. Anyway…
That first porn with fat women actually had old people too, hence, the “wrinkles” part of the title. Back in the 80’s, they were combining fetishes in these combo tapes because nobody assumed that fat could stand on it’s own. As the years passed, and we get into the 90’s, I remember going to a few adult book stores that were destined to be closed down by shitting fake religious Louisiana politics. Those book stores actually took the leap and had a “fat section” that was separate from “weird and freak” type stuff.
I could almost feel relief that for once, the BDSM and D/S stuff was considered “freakier” than fat porn. Maybe I wasn’t a total freak for being attracted to super sized women after all. No, I am a fucking freak and a half.
So, there is zero anxiety about performing in the porn coming from me, but Candy might be concerned about having a complexion that exists in reality rather than having a magic wand that could photoshop her ass in real life. I know that some of my work could be criticized because I don’t touch up complexion or use filters to hide shit. I have always considered my work to be “real”, and then this shitty “reality television” crap came along.
It’s ironic that people don’t see the connection between the content I create and “reality tv”. Maybe because my shit is “porn” so it can’t count as “reality”. It’s really ironic because porn is about as real as people can get, when they know each other and have been doing this shit for over a decade. When you toss 2 people in a room with a full crew and a producer yelling out instructions in between takes, I’m sure it’s not as real as my shit is. The corporate stuff is so fucking *pretty* though, so it has it’s own following. My shit is gritty, and sometimes literally ugly, and that’s what I like about it.
When I look around at fat porn, I am most drawn to the content that features more realistic models, with actual real life flaws, who act like real people. Heavy duty faking is annoying, begging for cum and then reacting to it like it’s nuclear waste is annoying. Two people acting really attracted to each other while they actually can’t stand each other is not going to translate very well with people who are “porn stars” and not “actors”.
My shit is real, flaws and all. I almost think about it like some kind of perfectly balanced equation. Nothing can be perfect. If perfection was a requirement for existence we would not fucking be here. It’s wild that as I get older, I start to see porn like MATH. In fact, I am starting to see this entire reality being broken down into common denominators and simplified fractions. It’s almost like how the characters in The Matrix were able to see what was going on from streams of numbers and characters across a screen.
When Candy is worried about a flaw or imperfection, I try to remind her, that she is thinking with her brain, and not my customer base’s collective brain. When I saw imperfection, I feel some kind of common ground with people who are literally “out of my league”. If a woman doesn’t have a perfect complexion, or she has some obvious flaw, it makes her more “real” in my eyes.
Imperfection doesn’t seem like a very real qualifying factor in making someone more attractive. We generally see imperfection as something that takes away from perfection. The real truth is, all “fat people” are already considered “flawed” based on their fat appearance. Trying to make flawed fat perfect is something I wish I had a clever analogy for off the top of my head. Maybe “lipstick on a pig”, but that might sound insulting and harsh. Cliche is rarely friendly or politically correct while trying to convey a message of truth that few really want to hear or believe.
I can talk to her all I want about how she is just the perfect fulfillment of an equation that makes her known at all in a world of plastic people, but it won’t help. She is working with her brain, her bias, her experience, her wisdom, her perception, and her reality. As I get older we get along better because instead of being personally offended by some of her observations, I can appreciate just how different her perception can be from mine, as we both simultaneously experience the exact same reality, as 2 unique observers.
Every once in a while Candy will say “fuck it, let’s fuck in front of the cam”, and I am down, like setting lights up before she finishes the sentence. I jump in there full throttle, so much so I might forget to take my socks off and look ridiculous. It doesn’t matter, I leave it in there. 🙂
I love doing it. I get a rush from fucking in front of the camera that brings me back to my “first time” long before Florida and Lexi from fatfantasy.net. I remember spending long days in a back room repairing computers fantasizing about using one to make money instead of having to figure out complex computer issues all day every fucking day.
The first chance I get to express this desire to create fat content, it starts to take off, and then I figure out that I can’t co-exist with Lexi at that age, and that level of impulsive behavior not checked by a clear sense of consequence or long term planning. I was “young, dumb, and full of cum” and I could not resist fucking exactly the woman I wasn’t supposed to exactly when I wasn’t supposed to exactly where I wasn’t supposed to.
I rebelled against Lexi’s control, because I was really in control of all that shit, and she was confined to a bed barking out orders and making unreasonable demands, and conning the fuck out of me the whole time. I deserved it, I was young and stupid, I made promises I could not keep, and I could not resist opportunity when I had multiple bbws and ssbbws flirting with me and tempting me to step out now and then.
i walked away from Lexi and started all the way over from step one. I worked for 3 years for someone else while I slowly accumulated new content and started from scratch. I managed to pull it off though, and by 2002 I was working on version 2 of hotbbws.com because Lexi shut me down for using the Florida shit the first time.
Getting in front of the camera again was getting revenge on Lexi for taking all that content away from me. I have seen content with me in it now and then, and it always reminds me of how I don’t have copies of that shit myself, because I was a fucking “nice guy” and didn’t just take all that fucking shit with me when I left.
I didn’t even take a camera. I had to work for months to save up to buy my first fucking digital camera after leaving Florida because I was too fucking stupid to just take the shit that my credit paid for.
Ok, enough of that. Maybe that conveys the passion and drive behind everything I did after I left Florida. There can’t be anxiety about creating hardcore content within me because I literally get off creating it.
The reason for using the title hardcore anxiety is because of a feeling that sometimes comes over me at that last moment before I am about to post the content I have already created, edited, and uploaded.
I should be so anxious to get it out there I can’t stand it, but sometimes I actually procrastinate before taking the final steps of writing the description and hitting “add to store”. Once I start writing the description, I am into it big time. The last description I wrote was probably so weird that people might want to buy the clip just to see what the fuck I am talking about.
Once I start writing, something seems to just take over, like right now, as I check and see that I am rapidly approaching 2000 words and instead of wanting to stop, my fingers are moving faster and faster. I can type up to 80 words per minute if I am in a good mood and not drunk, and when I start writing here, I may actually go higher than that. I get the figure 80 from the last pre-employment typing test that I took, so that was an unbiased computer generated test with a result that I could only influence by actually typing really fucking fast on demand.
Writing the description soothes the mysterious anxiety that comes about just before adding the clip. I love creating the content, I am excited while editing it, and I can’t wait to promote it. At the same time, i started this follow back shit on twitter, so now I am about to post really inappropriate content still images to a bunch of people following me just to get a follow back.
I don’t have anxiety about losing followers on twitter, because every time I lose 10, I get 40 more at the same time. I don’t even care about twitter itself so much, because it started out as an experiment to figure out how it works, and why people are so bat shit crazy about it.
I still don’t even use a smartphone, so I’m not seeing that shit constantly all day. I didn’t log in at all yesterday, but I did take a moment to log into “tweepi” just to “flush” unfollowers and reciprocate new followers by following them back.
I have managed to make twitter so mathematical and impersonal, I may have actually defeated the entire purpose for it’s existence, except as a source of amusement now and then when I am already procrastinating.
So, I experimented myself right the fuck out of feeling good about promoting my shit. At the same time, I have picked up so many fat, bbw, and ssbbw porn reposters that I could lose %90 of my followers and the remaining %10 were actually MORE IMPORTANT than all the rest. Twitter is mathematically fascinating to me.
Yeah, it’s very impersonal when I can log into an app outside of twitter itself and do 69 clicks to resolve the imbalance between people I follow, and assholes who add me to get a follow back and then unfollow me like I don’t fucking know they did that. I’m ready to start seeing repeated attempts to do this shit by familiar avatars.
I don’t even fucking care about twitter, but now it has turned into some kind of game for me, which is actually more exciting than World of Warcraft ever was. It involves real people with fake avatars just like a MMORPG, but this is a different type of game, because it also involves gaining followers in a specific niche and working the fuck out of it.
So, it’s like the first “video game” I have come across that amuses me to the point of wanting to do it every few days, but at the same time, instead of collecting fictional “gold”, I am acquiring followers who will tend to repost my shit when I am putting out some awesome new SSBBW hardcore and I actually stopped procrastinating long enough to list it.
Hardcore anxiety in my situation is really minor, and it only takes place at the most perfect time, when all the hard work is done already. This minor anxiety is something that I want to dig deeper into my own brain to figure out. I have tried to attribute it to the PTSD left over from Candy’s previous departures. I have wondered if I occasionally suffer from premature ejaculation for the same reason. It’s like i want to shoot my load in her before she can take off again or something! 🙂
I still have climax control, but every once in a while, that shit sneaks up on me. The time when I created the horse head mask hardcore video, the scenario of wearing a mask excited me unexpectedly to the point where I was struggling big time with climax control. I still managed to pull it off, in a few different positions no less, but it was a constant struggle, believe me.
The next hardcore clip had more preparation and getting into position than it had hard sustained pounding. Again, the fact that it had been so rare to create hardcore after all those feedee clips, contributed to difficulty in containing my excitement and my cum too.
I have found that having just a few beers, not getting loaded, but just barely buzzed, can help a great deal. Of course, if you cross a line and go too far with alcohol, there is a potential for difficulty in maintaining erection too. I can’t help but remember the song “Too Drunk To Fuck” by the Dead Kennedys.
I don’t resort to that though, because Candy doesn’t like to have sex with drunk people, and even if we have been together since Feb of 2002, if I am buzzed, I’m still “drunk people” in her perception, and I understand that. I also don’t like to resort to the use of drugs in order to control aspects of my self, or my being. When I use drugs for intoxication, I am exploring a part of myself that I can’t access while sober. That is different.
So, without any enhancement from alcohol, or even Viagra, I have a damn good time in front of the camera. The last video clip that featured hardcore was excellent. I had Candy nearly trying to fake orgasm to get me to climax, because I was getting kind of rough on her, and going on a little longer than necessary for her sexual preference. At the same time, I had finally done just enough hardcore video in just short enough increments that it just started to “come back to me” like “riding a bicycle”.
Even then, the evening that I could have posted the new clip I ended up getting drunk, and when I get intoxicated to a certain degree, I really don’t want to write because it is going to be so fucked up and make even less sense than I manage to make when I am fucking sober, like now.
So, hardcore anxiety is something I still deal with in that strange procrastination technique. Even with that one evening delay, the next day, I was so eager to list that clip that I literally could not do anything else until it was complete. Sometimes, the anxiety may just be a simple sense of timing. Maybe posting it the night before was just a little too soon, because it had not even been a week since posting the last clip.
Maybe the hardcore anxiety is less related to the type of clip, but the fact that I literally can’t wait to list it, so I have to stop myself and hold out as long as possible before slamming that shit up!
Either way, that clip is up, and I am tempted to post another clip on the day that the hardcore clip would have been normally added on a once a week schedule. I don’t want to exceed the once in a week schedule because I am literally concerned about making too much money to be eligible for medicaid, while I am carrying out that whole separate experiment.
Maybe the reason i was compelled to write and get to the bottom of this one thing was just to help me come to the conclusion that I just wrote. One experiment is actually getting in the way of another. Because I have lived with this cursed sense of irony, a part of me may actually be creating a concern about making “too much money” because that’s exactly what a part of me really wants.
What a first world problem to have though huh? Maybe it’s because I need a hip replacement and I am very concerned about being made even more disabled than I am with a bad hip, so I have to maintain the low income to make a transition into disability much more convenient.
Maybe I am concerning myself with the possibility of being physically more fucked up and making too much money because a part of me has experienced something all through life where my low expectations generate a much more emphatic positive reaction when I was wrong about what “could happen”.
I worry about making too much money, and a part of myself realizes just how easy it is for me to make money, and I am left with a variable in an equation that involves future probability entangled with low expectations versus the motivation and drive to do “better than expected”.
More simplified, by worrying about making too much money, I am kind of guaranteeing myself that I will, just to fulfill some kind of passive aggressive inner conflict.
By worrying that some surgeon is going to fuck my hip up, I would be highly pleased at an outcome where I can still walk, and actually have less pain that I do now.
I know, that is a totally fucked up way to live, but then again, it’s the way that I have continually gotten everything I wanted, so much so, that I am left to worry about things that I can’t control, which I have to stop myself from dwelling on, so I can continue to control reality enough to get what I want out of it.
I have to actually concentrate to think of the next thing I “really want”. Odds are, I am going to get it, but I hesitate in even granting focus to something I think I want, because of the possible unintended consequences that may go along with it.
At this age, at this point in my life, knowing what I know, I would never have fallen for the tricks that Lexi played to get everything. At the same time, I don’t have the need to search for and find another Lexi, because as many times as I have lost her, I am still with Candy.
Maybe all of this helps me to work out the lingering PTSD involved with almost losing Candy repeatedly. I know that I still have abandonment issues because of that, there is still some degree of insecurity because of it, and I never would have even attempted to carry out the kind of affair that I did last year if I wasn’t still suffering from some kind of residual emotional effect of her leaving both times.
Now I have caused a negative emotional impact on yet another innocent bystander because of the fickle nature of Candy’s whims. I am not openly resentful about that, but a part of me has not let go of it fully. I’m still bitching about Lexi and fatfantasy. net and that shit started in 1998 and ended in 2000. That little 2 years of my life is still fucking with me. It may be one of the main reasons that I am still creating hardcore content at all.
Another interesting thought comes from this stream of consciousness writing now. As I begin to finally resolve feelings of resentment for Lexi, I start to lose focus of my motivation and drive to create hardcore content in the first place.
Now a part of me can perceive what I am doing externally, because of all the experimentation with alcohol and weed. I can see this old guy who is desperately trying to hold on to some former position of glory, that can and will never be realized again. Maybe that’s part of what would be an otherwise normal “mid life crisis”, except that the biggest thing I accomplished in my life besides what I do now is that fucked up, highly traumatic 2 years with Lexi.
I am letting go of all that, or I started to really let go of it when I heard of her passing just weeks after I destroyed all my physical copies of that work. Irony strikes again. The only person obsessed with keeping me from using that work dies just weeks after I destroy it so I don’t have to look at it myself. Luckily I did save one cd full of photos out of 21 cds, and they were the ones that meant the most to me.
i can let go of the resentment for Lexi and still remained focus on creating what I truly love to create. After all, how many women closing in on 500lbs do you see getting fucked and swallowing right now??? 🙂
Yeah, I am really lucky to have the drive and desire to create this content and have such a willing participant. I don’t feel the loss of Lexi or that entire group anymore, because I have been guided by fate and destiny to be lucky enough to work with this super sized angel.
I managed to comb time and space in order to find one SSBBW that is not scared of cock or cum, and who loves doing this shit so much that if she is faking it is humorous instead of erotic. The truth is, once cock gets involved, she is not faking one bit.
That’s what makes her shit so great. I can see it when a woman is struggling to tolerate a situation, or has some kind of allergic reaction to cum after begging for it for 15 minutes.
I know that is harsh, and I realize that I could not possibly imagine what drives a woman who has such an adverse reaction to being cum on to do porn in the first place. At the same time, the phrase “you had one job” comes to mind too. I have had talks with Candy about this, and she points out that if it gets in your eye it burns, and I can accept that, but it doesn’t explain why some women will allow an actor to cum in her mouth and then literally gag even if she is going to spit it all out.
I never worked with a “real porn chick” before, because I am under the impression that I could not afford to hire them, and Candy would be somewhat intimidated to work with them, even in softcore “side by side” type modeling. There is one model that lives right here in Vegas that Candy and I have talked about, and we would be more than willing to come up with a few hundred to hire her, just because of who she is, but Candy is still intimidated by her.
There have been a few other women who have offered to model for the same amount, but they are escorts and not really professional models, so I am hesitant to invest a nickel in them because of the nature of being an escort in and of itself. From what I have heard, some of them are really good at word play to the point where a guy is paying them to feed them and just hang out without even going all the way. If an escort works to create that kind of scenario in a non modeling situation, I imagine that they would be hard to work with as they try to “let the clock run out” while doing the bare minimum and not really putting their heart into the modeling itself.
I could be wrong, an escort could be an excellent model, I just wouldn’t know, because I’m not spending $300 to find out! It’s hard for me to justify spending that kind of money to hire a model, when Candy appearing by herself is guaranteed to bring in something. I get the feeling that paying someone $300 to model next to her would never bring in that much more than a video clip of her by herself.
I’ve stopped asking around about modeling now, because it’s not really my place to do that. It’s up to Candy, because she is the one who has to stand, sit, or lay next to this person. Candy may not even be prepared to do that with another model at this point, so I am leaving it up to her if another model ever appears with her again. The last time one did, it was 2009, we were in Baton Rouge, and the woman didn’t want to get paid because she wanted “shared content”.
Here in Vegas, finding an established model that wants to do shared content with Candy is not as easy as you might think. I think everybody here wants to get paid, for anything, and I can’t blame them. At the same time, I see these group photo shoots and I know that each woman probably wasn’t paid individually, because they all have websites, and they could all use that as shared content. In a big group there isn’t usually anything sexual going on, just 3 to 5 big women hanging out while posing next to each other.
Candy hasn’t ended up in that situation, because she has not worked to create that situation. If she had any interest in going out to “bbw parties” and stuff like that, she would meet women there that do this kind of thing all the time. Candy has had a bit of social anxiety though, so without making a grand appearance at a bar somewhere, these other women will never meet her in public, and in the past 3 years, they have not made any effort to come to her.
I don’t really care anymore if I get to work with anyone else now, ever. I had a mild curiosity when I saw a few Vegas bbw models posing together, but then I realized, being a full time model is not even Candy’s “job”. She volunteers to do this for me. I am just lucky enough to be around when she is going on a food splurge, and she doesn’t mind me pointing a camera at her while she is binge eating.
I am also very lucky that Candy is ok with me bringing a camera into our sex life, because I don’t think there are very many SSBBWs at her size doing the sexually explicit type of content that I am creating. If there are, I just haven’t found them because I’m so busy making my own porn that I have lost interest in looking around at everyone else’s.
I can’t believe that as long as this post was already, I came back and added more to it. I guess I was thinking that I was too harsh to end this post with that statement about how unusual it is for a woman to take a job where she is begging to be cum on for 15 minutes and then suddenly has an involuntary spasm of disgust once she finally gets what she asks for. Why work in porn if you hate cum? 🙂
Well, I was impressed yesterday with the delivery of some food that Candy ordered kind of by accident. She was browsing this new listing on “grub hub” and it was a Korean, Japanese, and Chinese variety type of restaurant. It was just out of curiosity that Candy would fill out a whole menu order, just to see how much it would cost to experiment a little bit with a food that she had never tried before.
The menu was impressive, and Candy was just playing around, so she picked out about $60 worth of stuff. She believes that she would have just closed the window at that point, or switched to doing something else, but somewhere along the line, she must have hit “enter” or clicked the one button to complete the process.
I was glad that I was actually home at the time it arrived, because I had just been out to do an errand, and Candy would have not wanted to answer the door. She would have been nude as well, so she would have had to travel all the way across the apartment and back in order to answer the door at all.
She would have probably assumed that the knock on the door was just a solicitation and ignored it, until they called her to tell her that the order was there and nobody was answering. It never came to that though, the faint initial knock was heard from the kitchen just before Candy was about to make a B.L.T. and a fruit smoothie.
There was a moment of confusion at the door with the driver, because Candy never told me she ordered, so I asked her. With the guy at the door, she’s like “I didn’t order anything.” The guy looks at his phone and says her name, and verifies the apartment number.
I realized that Candy had probably already put down the cash on this, so it would be ridiculous to attempt to deny the order and send it back expecting a refund. I told him that she just started a new medication and accepted the order.
Having been a delivery driver so many years into the past, you don’t want to be at the door with this kind of confusion going on, because it could be a much more sinister plot, and I know it would cause anxiety for him. I made a snap decision based on the entirety of the situation, knowing that the food would end up getting tossed, and Candy would be pissed that the money wasn’t going to be refunded.
Candy had a moment of freaking out, where she was like “I don’t remember ordering that!” She knew she had been playing around with that restaurant’s menu, but she swore up and down that she didn’t click “finish order”. As a result, she took a credit card number off the site so she would be forced to endure the whole process of entering it before an order could possibly be made by mistake or subliminal “hangry” slip of the finger.
Candy had been waiting all day for the delivery of a device that would be used for breathing treatments. For some reason, she put on make up early, and hours later, her eyes were burning with the eye liner she applied earlier. She was impatient, hungry, and she really wanted to order a big selection of Mexican food.
I never understand how Candy wants to continue experimenting with Mexican food because she doesn’t really like cilantro very much. Her taste palate is so very sensitive that she somehow picks up a “soapy” taste with that herb. It is used very predominantly in Mexican food, so she is taking a calculated risk with each attempt to order it.
The restaurant that Candy was checking out was kind of expensive, almost unnecessarily so. Japanese restaurants are not usually known for being very cheap, but the thought of Korean food makes me think that it should be more along the cost level of Chinese food. Either way, Candy picked out some exotic things that she had never tried, but assumed she might like.
Going over the receipt online after consuming all of it, she would call out the cost of each item in amazement and disappointment for how little food there actually was. Candy would express her regret by breaking down how she could have ordered food 3 different times for the cost of that 1 time, and it would have been an immense amount of food, if the type was a little less expensive!
Because of this expense, and because Candy had already mentally prepared herself to do a video eating Mexican food, she was ready to jump in there and consume the Korean and Japanese food for a video as if she had gotten exactly what she wanted, but she didn’t.
The food was really good, according to her, there was so little of it that I only had a teaspoon of broth that came with one of the dishes. I was satisfied with that one taste because I could sample the flavor palate of that type of food for the first time in my life myself. I’m not as driven to experience new and different foods as Candy is though, so I’m content with a can of tuna, some mayo, salt and pepper, a slice of cheese, and 2 pieces of toast smashed down into it so they soften up.
Without mentioning it repeatedly, all my teeth were removed in mid September of 2014, and the dentist fucked me over and tried to make a mold for dentures while I still had teeth. It is March of 2015 and I am still fighting with insurance over those fucked up dentures.
That is only relevant in the fact that eating has changed so much for me in that time. I can almost experience Candy’s wonder and satisfaction with new foods merely by filming her eating them. Even more, watching the videos later in review and editing also seems to have the same effect.
I realize that mirror neurons are at work when people get off on porn, but I didn’t realize until I started creating feeder and feedee content that there also seems to be something at work in that arena as well. By watching Candy eat these things, and enjoy them with such immense appreciation, I feel like I am enjoying them as well. When she smiles big because she is about to tear into some huge feast that most people could not begin to eat, I can feel her excitement and anticipation as if I am her for that brief moment.
That’s probably crazy talk in and of itself, but after editing hundreds, or maybe thousands of videos, something has started to sink in over time. I always thought I was destined to create “fat porn” the way I like it, the way I wish there was more of back when I was going through puberty and ordering VHS tapes in the mail with lawn cutting money.
Now, I have created thousands of hours of feeder content. It wasn’t what I used to masturbate to, because I was always a fan of full on hardcore with visual penetration and hopefully a facial that the model doesn’t flinch or gag during. 🙂
I used to express frustration in the way that the very few SSBBWs participated in the creation of the content that I enjoyed watching for that purpose. I wondered why they would veer off into more fetish areas like squashing, eating, and being dominatrix types. I am surprised by my own vanilla tastes in porn considering how I am attracted to women who have a BMI that would be considered super morbidly obese.
I am not into immobile women either. I had that whole experience with Alexis in Florida creating fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net. She was already on oxygen when I met her, and now Candy needs breathing treatments. It really frightens me that she allowed this to progress to such a level, when I would have been happy creating hardcore content. The truth is, she could never get as excited about making hardcore or even fetish content as she would be making feeder content.
Being as adaptive as I am, I would have sensed this eagerness to produce something rather than nothing, and I ran with it. I am a classic enabler for that reason. At least I am an unwilling enabler, so Candy knows that I will not encourage behavior that I know will hurt her over time. I’ve read a lot of zodiac stuff lately because of Twitter, and from what I’ve seen, Aquarius are very future oriented.
I had this conflict of interests going on, between what I like to see, and what Candy wanted to do. Candy would win, because she is already my volunteer subject, and I am grateful for her to do anything in front of the camera I operate. She is the only one who does appear in front of my camera, and I believe it is not out of circumstance, but by choice.
I have experimented with the idea of working with other people, or bringing in other people to work with Candy, but unfortunately, that whole experience usually came along with some kind of sexual contact with people other than her. For years she was cool with this type of situation, but back in 2008 I sensed that she was growing weary of it, and I stopped attempting to recruit new models.
Now, I realize that I still have the ability to recruit, and if anything, it’s like riding a bicycle. Once you have had that experience of identifying and talking to the right potential candidates, it is so much easier than most people could imagine. If i walked into a bar with a professional looking video camera after midnight, I would probably get flashed by a few women who just didn’t give a fuck. That doesn’t mean they would model while sober, but the intent is there, and sometimes, all it takes is the right person to pull it out of them.
Now i have gotten way off course, but I started out wanting to describe one event, and I was hopelessly compelled to jump into a much more vast sea of thought. I realize that is one of my writing weaknesses, and something I have to work on. When I start writing though, I don’t always know exactly what direction I am going to go in when I start.
Blogging is such a string of consciousness type of writing, I never even usually do much more editing than the first draft. I’m sure it shows, but like an episode of Saturday Night Live, there might be %20 of really relevant and interesting info, and about %80 of me trying to figure out what is interesting to me.
I scroll back up to the title, almost intending to change it, but “unexpected korean food” is catchy, and I like it. This whole stream of thought began there, and I had this whole route I wanted to take, describing this food in intimate detail, maybe using this page as a notepad for remembering the foreign names to all these dishes that I have never tasted, and still haven’t.
What a segue back to the point, huh? 🙂
Candy is able to enjoy a virtual trip around the world by just eating from each country that is widely available in the diverse food climate of Las Vegas. There is just about every type of food here that you can imagine, almost all available to order, and all catering to a diverse climate of tourists from all over the world. I saw someone say on the show “No Reservations” that people come half way around the world to gamble in Las Vegas, and when they get hungry, as far as they are from home, they want to have a taste of it while they are here.
Because there are people coming to Las Vegas from all over the world, you don’t just have “Chinese food”. You have authentic Chinese dishes that you never would have heard of at your local Chinese buffet. There are dishes from Japan, China, and Korea all in one place, and they are all prepared in such an authentic manner as to impress people who just ate those dishes in those respective countries.
In the case of the mysteriously ordered Korean and Japanese food, I want to run down some of the dishes that Candy was able to sample, because I have just realized after needing to take a break to help Candy out with some stuff, I am spending a tad too much time here.
Candy really enjoyed this, and she should have, because the small platter with 3 or 4 pieces of pork and a piece of radish was kind of pricey. I tried a teaspoon of the broth, and it was awesome, but there was no way I would be sampling meat from such a small selection available! The restaurant where Candy obtained this says that it is 5 hour braised pork belly. Sounds delicious!
The wider shot shows nearly all the meat that was in this tray, along with a close up view of what Candy is assuming was a piece of daikon radish. Everything smelled so great, and Candy was able to finish off everything on the evening it was ordered, so I can tell she really did like it. More information on that dish could be found here.
The next dish was Char Siu pork belly with steamed bun and baby spinach leaves with cucumber. Candy really liked this one too, although again, this was a relatively small portion for the cost. I don’t try to be cheap when it comes to the food that Candy really wants to try, but she is the one who is disappointed to see what looks like less food than one Chinese lunch special in 5 dishes worth $60.
Not being totally sure exactly how to eat it, Candy makes little sandwiches with the steamed buns and the pork, along with the little veggies too. That worked out pretty good for her, she was using a steamed bun to wipe up the pork belly sauce from the bottom of that tray.
Here is some more info on char siu pork belly preparation. This is where I realized that this dish is Chinese and Cantonese and not actually Korean, even though the place Candy ordered from had a Korean theme with Chinese, Cantonese, and Japanese dishes available.
Karaage is the name of a Japanese cooking technique where meat is deep fried in oil, just like french fries. One dish that Candy ordered was karaage chicken with Kewpie mayo and mixed salts. The technique is similar to tempura but obviously the batter is different, just like American fried chicken. Candy enjoyed this just as much as she would have fried chicken, but I’m sure that she wished there was more of it there! These little trays were pretty small as it is, the mayo and mixed salts nearly took up as much room as all the chicken. There may have been five or six pieces of chicken in there, and Candy loved it, but she can tell that the Japanese tendency to eat smaller portions doesn’t seem to work very well for her. Of course.
When I review all of the dishes, it appears that one was Japanese, another was Cantonese, and finally I get to a Korean dish. I was totally misusing the hash tag Korean Food Pics on Twitter, my bad. The small selection of galbi bbq short ribs was highly satisfying to Candy, but again, the portion size was a serious issue for her. For the cost of this dish, she could have had me pick up an entire side of ribs and slap them in the oven, but again, this was more than just an eating experience, it was a cultural experience. I had the opportunity to learn about this food just like she had the opportunity to eat it.
The ribs were cut thin, and served with white rice. Candy didn’t need to use any of the mixed salts, Japanese mayo, or hot mustard on these. They were quite tasty, and I noticed that she seemed to enjoy them to the degree that I had to stop everything and get more of a close up on her face as she ripped the meat from the bones with her teeth, eating with her cute fat little sausage fingers.
The next and final plate was a 3 way of kushi. I looked that up, and it’s a Japanese technique for cooking on skewers. In the case of these 3 samples of kushi, they were all prepared over binchotan charcoal and served with mixed salts as well in the little tubs. This is another dish that is actually Japanese inspired, if the name kushi was given to the preparation. Yet another item that I attached to Korean food photos on twitter mistakenly because Candy just said “Korean restaurant” without telling me it was an Asian variety restaurant with a Korean theme.
There was wagyu beef kushi, which Candy really liked, and when I research it, this name is also associated with kobe, which is another cut of meat that you are going to be paying a bit more for than you would for domestic beef. That’s why each one of these little entrees was around $8. Again, this was an accidental order, and at the time she did it, she says she wanted Mexican food. She still wants Mexican food, so that will probably be her next trip on her food around the world tour. She won’t stop there though, she already has plans to explore each region in South America in the process.
Back to the kushi though, there was also pork belly kushi, and you know she loved that. The final one was beef tongue kushi. Candy mentioned that the beef tongue was kind of unique, and while she ate the hell out of it, that’s something she might not be so eager to go for in the future. Pork belly is always a safe bet, because it’s basically bacon, and you know Candy loves some bacon. The wagyu beef seemed kind of wasted on her, because she would have been just as happy with much larger chunks of domestic beef on more than 3 little skewers.
When I ask Candy to recollect exactly what she thought of these, she said that the only one she really liked was the wagyu beef. She said the tongue was interesting, but she would not get it again. I may have said that but I took a break and don’t feel like reading back.
It was a surprise when it showed up, but once it did, and Candy got over the shock of having accidentally ordered it, she consumed every single bite, even if some of these dishes were not her favorite ever. This was an experience that was quite unique, because Candy often makes a plan for exactly what she wants to eat, and then goes about doing everything in her power to get it. On this occasion, I wonder if her order was accidentally on purpose, because she was just curious about Korean food, and she did go to the effort of creating this exact order, even if she was playing fantasy football with food choices.
Candy was able to finish off that entire feast, although it was barely half of what one big Chinese lunch plate would include, or a crap load of burgers and fries, or so many chicken nuggets that Candy would never want to eat one again in her life. That evening, after the last of the Japanese and Korean feast was finished, she still wanted something sweet. Peppermint ice cream did the trick, while I waited on a data transfer to make more room on her C: drive.
This was a really fun experience, even if most of that day was spent doing work on other things while waiting on a delivery to show up, so that Candy could accidentally order food to show up even later, just before trying to cook something she thought she really wanted. The day after this feast, Candy didn’t waste any time to whip up a BLT sandwhich along with a bowl of left over chili with beans over white rice.
Another blog post must come to an end, it seemed like it would never end, and I am the freaking one writing it! 🙂
i thought it would be appropriate to take a moment, in the exact moment when ‘the buzz’ hit. just 2 beers would be enough for that tiny, starter buzz on alcohol. oh, it’s sweet. you want to sit back and smile for a second, just taking in the realization that you are lucky enough to be drinking this substance, feeling its effects, and not being fucked with by anything or anyone at any moment.
of course, there is the possibility that Candy might want something, but the probability is low currently because of a recently delivered cup full of green colored lemon lime flavored Kool aid, plus the second half of a huge plate of Panda Express take out that was created earlier today.
i wanted to drunk blog a sec. yeah. fucking yeah! no, not really. it’s not just the beer, the ice beer at %5.9 alcohol, it’s also the ‘spice’. i picked up a variety from a smoke shop that is on Swenson right around the corner. the place across the street has a few varieties, but this one seems to have some kick to it. i wish i knew the exact chemical formulation of each variety that i am so willing to be a test subject for.
Candy should be my ‘drug’. She is, actually. On any given moment, if anything I perceive is ‘wrong’ where to happen, just touching her would immediately bring me to a place where i am solid, resolved, and i can handle any kind of shit i have to in the given moment. i can think of myself as lucky to be granted with that rare opportunity. i get to be around this wonderful person almost all the time. i take a moment, frequently, and remember how lucky i am, for so many reasons.
when i think back to the way i was about 15 years ago, i would say that i was pussy whipped and a virtual slave. now, i have to recognize that because of the unique combination of chemicals released in my human brain while i am around her, most of the time, i can say, as the same ‘person’, over a decade later, that i am lucky and proud to be in the position of being a slave to the most amazing person that i have had the good fortune to have met and been given the opportunity to have and lose so many times in this fleeting thing we call a life bound by the thing we perceive as reality.
run on sentences, i know. maybe i’ll edit later.
i’m laying it on, maybe i should hit ‘the diph’. whoa. diphenhydramine. why give me hydroxyzine when there is already diph? i’m probably spelling it wrong, but the spell check messes up prozac.
i got all juiced up, let myself log in here, and started freaking Depeche Mode Black Celebration entire ‘album’. yeah, those big things. oh god i’m so fucking old. i know, i’m supposed to be ‘positive’, but i keep busting my own balls because i have paved a path of unnoticed injustice and irrelevant malevolence. in this ‘thing’, i can at least call myself an asshole and it might do somebody some good, hopefully me, maybe even someone else.
i’m not going to ‘hit the diph’ tho. as wild as i will let myself run barefoot in the interwebs, i won’t go all crazy and shit. i never did get my nitrous oxide tho… that would be ‘doing it big’ you know. lol that shit is like food related and entheogen related! no way! who cares? cannabis cures cancer! yeah right. who cares? really? anyway… lol no context… it’s so fucked up. at least i can type fuck and not f8ck like i feel compelled in facebook. daring them all the time to delete me while i censor myself. sad. 🙂
i have to put it out there, because i have to say, honestly, if i’m going to be all neutral and shit… there is a lot of shit going on all over the place all over here all the time. as a ‘maybe local’ i need to get my shit together. i also have to say, up front, as much as the asshole who used to write this thing may have talked shit about any kind of attempt to get any social group going, forget all that shit. i think i was playing a character who cared about that shit so much, when he could use it, like any distraction, to avoid his own problems. 🙂 I am fortunate to be able to say that money isn’t an issue to going to this thing or that thing, but the problem is there is ‘everything’. there is also the limitations that i have learned are holding Candy back, and i have learned nearly the exact degree that she may be able to get away with and handle easily.
after all, this woman wanted to move to freaking vegas, she spent 3 days cooped up riding shotgun in the too small cab of a big ass moving van to get there. she did suffer though. either way, she wanted it, she’s got it, and now i got to make this shit happen. i’ve been a lazy fuck. honestly. getting back somehow to a point if there is one because this is admittedly intoxicated writing. we can’t go to ‘everything’. we could go to this and that, but it’s not a big ambition, and there isn’t a big drive inside of us to justify spending the money it would take to even attempt to go to everything. i am ‘here’, so there are probably ways i could contribute to this or that, but i have never put myself out there, and people in those circles do not have incentive to involve just anyone local because of so many people who run cons and shit out here. i think i’ve afflicted Candy with my cheapness too… instead of spending hundreds on this or that thing, she would rather split it up into food frenzies and clothing sprees. she knows i want to blow 300 or so on a ‘quad core 8gb ram 2 terabyte hard drive’ machine that i would build myself for just that much, and she knows that i could afford it but i put it off because i keep getting by with what i have because it works. i kind of want it, but whatever. not many people do that it seems. 🙂
i’ve always been a 20K guy. i’ve had the choice to go higher at times, but in the worlds that i have participated in, from one end of the spectrum to another, i was just more comfortable in that area. kind of sad. but… it lowered the bar on how much i had to make to just sit on my ass and ‘be my own boss’ and all that jazz. 🙂 so… it’s like being ‘poor by choice’ but not really suffering as a result. if anything, we’re not taking advantage of our poorness to the point we could be and it’s not uncomfortable. 🙂
i was lucky that i chose to acquire car repair skills and computer repair skills, because it lent a hand in the situation that i happened to end up in, by choice, or by the sum of several small choices. i could maintain an old piece of shit to the point where i’m not making payments, only paying liability insurance, and whatever seems to go wrong by will of god or fate has not prevented me from fixing it so i can keep driving it.
i don’t have to make a lot, and so therefore, i choose not to, and now, of course, the additional incentive of ‘affordable care act’ is quite attractive. 🙂 i used to criticize this stuff, and now i’m like “bring it on! where’s my free shit?” i’m legit. i pay my taxes, i’m part of the ‘working poor’ even if i’m ‘self employed’. 🙂 fucking reality. gotta love it. i had to switch over from depeche mode to duran duran, namesake album, entire album. ‘anyone out there?’
this blog would come into being shortly after the announcement of the ‘end obesity in a generation’ campaign. i don’t have the credentials, but i would love to have offered several opportunities to get to the bottom of this whole ‘obesity thing’. 🙂 for example, my desire to get access to an entire group of ‘super morbidly obese’ individuals in a MRI session that could accommodate them, to further explore the potential neurological links between them in order to find the ‘common thread’ that is so important in finding an eventual resolution.
yes… the answer… a resolution… now… think about that for a second… big food…. food inc… they might not be too happy with all of that. they are an ‘ally’ in the way that they are the only force that stands in the way of full out war on anything with the ‘obesity’ tag associated with it. obesity is the enemy! obesity is fatal! obesity is the devil! omfg who do we burn first? hahahaha
we can’t just ‘solve obesity’ in the sense that we can keep over consuming mass quantities of shit that is obviously not good for us. it’s sold to us every two to three minutes on all cable networks twenty four hours a day seven days a week. fucking right we have marketing dominance. hire billy mayes, wait, he’s dead, the austrailian guy… whoever… 🙂 we can’t eat as much as we want as often as we want and sit around without a consequence. that’s part of ‘the balance’. if we could ‘solve obesity’ in one swipe, then america and china would starve the rest of the world immediately.
so then… it’s the compulsion to eat mass quantities. wonder why? i’m sure that all of the neurologically sensitive ingredients like MSG don’t have anything to do with it, or AD-36 the ‘fat virus’, or genetic tendency towards obesity when the mother is obese while pregnant… Maybe the fact that we are raised generation after generation with more and more convenience and a lack of physical activity. If I dare to mention ‘the balance’ then i have to take many more variables into consideration for meaningful insight. the balance would dictate that obesity is a future consequence, not an epidemic.
forget all of that… personal responsibility! willpower! your a failure! buy this! buy that! lol that’s what it’s all about, the hustle… capitalism, glorious capitalism. i lick the tip of your powerful, glowing, pulsating cock every day! you are my god, in you i trust! lol weird… make a note. it’s like i’m obligated. while i ‘own the name’ obesiverse, i am the god of obesiverse. i am, therefore, ‘obesiverse’. while i may not value the essence of what i have created over time, i can’t deny the fact that it did penetrate certain areas of interest because of it’s absolute literary insanity.
if you were given the opportunity to just ‘switch’, with an alternate personality, that was only slightly different, would you do it for the sake of helping not only yourself, but those around you who were just generally ‘good’ and ‘cool’? freaking five year thing. hard to describe. it’s not even fucking on time, fucking actual ‘b day’ is still far off, but not really, because time is relative, and i seem to enjoy experimenting in tricks that make time go by faster, or slower, or ‘not at all’?
all of the output, of the blog, in the past, might have been a way to create an entire alternative reality, and then, like some ‘god’, destroy it. entirely. anything looking back would become a pillar of salt like biblical stuff that i don’t want to research in this moment. i may have created it, as i had pondered, just to destroy it.
before being all deep, it’s actually just a matter of domain renewal. the second somebody doesn’t keep up with that shit it’s over with. it’s not like i can’t pay the $12 a year, it’s like, do i ‘want’ to pay it and keep this name around? this ‘name’… this ‘character’, that at times i think i would hate right now… hmmm… i’m laughing right now, but i stopped the music because Candy reminded me i should be doing something else. 🙂
it’s so funny, just to me, maybe… maybe… 😉 there is no fucking context! i’m locked in here with the 2D thing or something. omfg i’ll probably want to delete it. maybe not, it might be funny. 🙂
man, inxs kick full album kicks ass… the mood has passed, and i’m over 2000 words yet again… 🙂