Posts tagged candy godiva

SSBBW Market Saturation

0

Well it had to happen sooner or later!  All that time with a regular pattern of updating a clips4sale store with a new clip in expectation of being able to pay certain bills with that money is now over.

clips4sale is sucking

Clips4sale revenue is officially in the TOILET

 

It’s a good thing that the website (exoticbbw.com) actually made MORE money than the clip store this month, because if it hadn’t, I would be in some deep shit financially.  As it stands, I have given in to the temptation to donate freaking plasma in order to be able to make up for the LOSS that clips4sale has generated at this point.

plasma donation scar

Plasmapheresis uses a BIG needle!

 

Regularly, there would be an attempt to upload at least one new feeder clip per week, and there were times when Candy might skip a week because she just wasn’t up to getting made up and filmed doing something that she loves doing so much.  Even if Candy really enjoys binging, being filmed while she does it seems to take away some degree of enjoyment for her.

Candy is over it

Sometimes Candy doesn’t want to be filmed eating. SHOCK!

 

This is ironic, because over the past couple of years, Candy would make the sacrifice in binging in front of a camera knowing that she would not enjoy it quite as much, for the sake of being able to financially support the types and amounts of food she wanted to enjoy.

so long sushi

Sushi is NOT CHEAP FREELOADERS!

 

Now, with clips4sale generating a revenue of about $50 per clip (6 clips this month), it is obvious that Candy will have to go CHEAP on the food, which means no more big feasts, at least until something changes with this crappy revenue from each clip.

cheap food

Hello CHEAP FOOD

 

Something has changed over there at clips4sale, and I am not quite sure what it is, but something has seriously been altered, shifted, edited, cancelled, or something.  Some form of advertising or promotion that they used to employ must have completely collapsed, because over the past few months, income dropped dramatically, and it has stayed at the same low level even though there was an attempt at adding 6 clips in one month instead of just 4.

Great for 2 or 3 stores, FUCKED for us...

Great for 2 or 3 stores, FUCKED for us…

 

I have come to the realization that sites like facebook and twitter are pretty much useless to promote anything now.  Candy and I used to have a term “ya-losers” which represented the losers on yahoo who would compliment and beg for free stuff YEARS AGO.  They thought that a little flattery could get them some free content, because for whatever reason, they decided that since yahoo was free, everything that is promoted on yahoo should be free too.  That graphic above shows how there are winners and losers in this business, and if you aren’t “sinfully divine” you are basically FUCKED right now on clips4sale as a SSBBW, or “super fatty” or as Candy calls them “blob chicks”.

I love to give away OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT!

I love to give away OTHER PEOPLE’S SHIT!

 

Now, that has moved over to twitter losers and facebook losers, asking for “chat” and wanting to have their email read to Candy, in the hopes that being told for the thousandth time she is “so sexy” will have her offering to sit for hours in chat with some loser who isn’t spending one penny for her time.

In twitter, there is a monster machine of compliment and flattery, which would be awesome if that kind of thing paid one cent towards any bills that were covered by the clips4sale income.  At this point, all the compliments are more annoying than flattering, because as we watch revenue go down, we realize that a majority of people who try to contact Candy at all are usually the wankers that want free shit, not the people who paid for a clip, got off to it, and went on with their fucking life.

Porn used to be something that was sold in a seedy type of bookstore downtown, and the customers did not interrogate the store clerk about “When was this made?” and “How much does she weigh right now?”  These new questions and concerns came from some assumption that porn will be “interactive” and every time some jerk off pays $15 for a clip, they should get a half hour or more of free chat in the process.  Some want to play “20 dumb ass questions”, and some even ask about free “video chat”!  What a bunch of losers.

Are you buying ANYTHING?

Are you buying ANYTHING?

Now, I have started using the hashtag #freeloadingfeeders because as much as they seem to compliment Candy’s work, even calling her “legendary”, they are doing it in forums where more than a dozen clips are shared freely at a time.  I just had to get a bunch of shit removed from a file sharing service that is in Taiwan, and fortunately they actually took the shit down when I filled out a DMCA complaint form.  It took a few days, but that shit is gone now, and I will be keeping an eye on the fucking blog that keeps posting this free shit.

I WILL get my shit DELETED!

I WILL get my shit DELETED!

 

I’m sure that many other blogs post the same links, so the actual blog is not important, what’s important is that I am WATCHING now, and I will keep filling out that DMCA form anywhere and everywhere I see my shit distributed for free.

They make it EASY for me to get my shit DELETED

They make it EASY for me to get my shit DELETED

 

It figures that I was ok with a “little piracy” when it was promotional and it helped me make more money with my work.  Now, I realize that all the free shit out there is basically over-riding the need to pay for anything, because there are at least 3 to 5 “Candy replacements” out there now, doing all the same shit over and over.   Some have whole groups of fatties who get together and work out some kind of deal to split up all that “money” they WON’T BE MAKING.

Maybe they just do it for fun now, or just for the food.  Candy has located at least one SSBBW out there who loves to binge on cam so much she does it right on youtube absolutely free.  This is exactly what we needed to help boost our sales!

Maybe someone's channel needs to have an ACCIDENT

Maybe someone’s channel needs to have an ACCIDENT

 

People seem to believe that porn will just keep rolling out no matter how much money it generates, but that is simply not the case.  I understand totally now why so many models QUIT EVENTUALLY as I talked about in another blog post in the past.  Sure, there will always be free shit, but YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR and that shit is pathetic, but hey, whatever.

There is no more incentive to keep creating this stuff if there is no money being made from it, period.  Watch as this economy keeps dropping into the shitter, and see how many of these lovely fat women quit doing this shit because it is NOT WORTH THEIR TIME FOR FREE.

Time to pull out the PANHANDLING UNIFORM

Time to pull out the PANHANDLING UNIFORM

 

People will keep producing stuff, and I guess eventually, there will just be a few conglomerates or REALLY POPULAR FATTIES that keep going because they are the ones who are still making some money.  In the meantime, I get hit with alleged compliments that are REALLY INSULTS because people are TOO FUCKING DUMB TO REALIZE THAT WE DON’T APPRECIATE PEOPLE STEALING OUR SHIT OR WATCHING IT FOR FREE.

Some people are TOO DUMB NOT TO ADMIT STEALING FROM YOU...

Some people are TOO DUMB NOT TO ADMIT STEALING FROM YOU…

 

Either way, there is a quit date on the horizon at this point.  I appreciate the money that was made in the time that it was made, but I don’t fucking work for free.  Candy doesn’t either.  Now that she sees the money going down, she feels somewhat insulted and it is doubly difficult for her to stomach making any kind of sacrifice in vein.  She would rather binge off cam because “Fuck that shit it’s not going to make money anyway.”

They build you up to KNOCK YOU DOWN

They build you up to KNOCK YOU DOWN

 

So, the freeloading feeders can keep asking “How big is Candy?” and shit like that, and they will keep getting either ignored, or told to shut the fuck up and buy a fucking clip to find out.  Odds are, if they are asking, it’s because they DON’T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING anyway.  That is leading me to assume that the d-bags that ask me shit are the least likely to spend cash, so they should fucking be ignored.  The ones buying the shit are wanking to it and going on with their life, because they actually have one.  The ones chatting me or Candy up are the losers that are “too good to pay for porn” or something.

Hey Candy, a BIG FAN wants to chat!

Hey Candy, a BIG FAN wants to chat!

 

I think I’ve gotten most of my irritation with all this out of my system now, but it should be noted in a very public way that I am working on something really cool to do that makes me money in the future, and I’ll be very happy not to depend on the fickle nature of porn and it’s “fans”.  I can see why some people who have quit porn are so irritated by it, and by the shadow of former fame that continues to follow them even though the MONEY DOESN’T.

All that money! NOT!!!

All that money! NOT!!!

 

I used to walk around looking at women, thinking to myself “Wow, that one would get a great reaction online!” and now I realize that I would never want to condemn someone else to the pitiful fate of being led on with some regular cash at first, then the disappointment and let down of making less and less because of so many women and their grandmothers, literally, jumping into the porn and/or tease game.  I even got to meet one woman who has an impressive body that I KNOW people would love to see at all angles doing all kinds of “adult” things… Well, that SHIT ISN’T HAPPENING so this body is ALL TO MYSELF, FREELOADING FUCKS!

So awesome you won't see her FOR ANY AMOUNT OF CASH

So awesome and you won’t see her FOR ANY AMOUNT OF CASH

 

I even had this woman ask me flat out if there was any way I could sneak her into my work without giving up her identity, and I was like “Fuck that shit, these d-bags will have your shit all over the place trying to figure out who you are, so fuck them, it’s not worth the whole $10,000 you MIGHT make per year showing off, then watching that dwindle down to EVEN LESS OVER TIME.  This shit has me wishing that I had used all the free time I had to figure out another way to make better money doing something that didn’t cater to such a group of low life freeloaders like porn surfers.

Maybe I'll learn to grow WEED

Maybe I’ll learn to grow WEED

 

Yeah, I said it, and believe me, the most popular SSBBW making the most money is THINKING THE SAME THING.  They are just smart enough not to say anything online (or maybe not when it comes to the freeloaders).  Either way, I don’t go to strip clubs, even if there are fat women, because it’s depressing and horrible to watch women beg these cheap mouth breathing freaks for cash (me included, I’m a cheap bastard too).

I know, “Tell us what you really think” right?  Well, that’s what I really think.  The people who have written to me asking this or that, pestering me for details that they could easily pay to see, are even more extremely irritating to me now that there is literally NO MONEY IN THIS SHIT ANYMORE.  All these new BBWs and SSBBWs want to jump into this shit because now it’s “ok to be a fat model”.

Yeah, I never thought I would wish for the days when more fat women hid themselves!  There was a GOOD REASON fat women were so HARD TO TALK INTO MODELING back in 1998 when I did my first fat porn website…  Now that there are just a dozen more than “internet capacity” the money has run out like a SSBBW PORN BUBBLE BURST.

Thanks a lot Tess, now EVERYFUCKINGBODY WANTS TO DO THIS SHIT

Thanks a lot Tess Holiday, now EVERYFUCKINGBODY WANTS TO DO THIS SHIT

 

Take it from me, when I see “she’s legendary” in the comments on a forum where my shit is being FLAT OUT STOLEN AND SHARED I get pretty offended, and Candy does too.  That’s why it is only a matter of time before this shit is not going to be produced anymore.  Fortunately though, I will STILL HAVE MY SHIT DELETED AS A FUCKING HOBBY just to irritate the fucking freeloaders.  I’m going to make my shit as rare as a Prince music video on fucking youtube, just for fun, out of spite to these freeloading fuckers.

FREELOADING BITCHES!!!!!!!

FREELOADING BITCHES!!!!!!!

 

I may seem kind of angry, but I’m watching a business I built back in 2003 go down the toilet.  Even worse, it was my SECOND ATTEMPT because that big bitch Alexis from fatfantasy.net basically stole my first SSBBW project away from my young dumb ass in 1998.  That makes it even worse, because had I been given the advantage of never having to FUCKING START OVER I may have been able to milk this shit for even more before EVERY FAT WOMAN AND THEIR GRANDMOTHER STARTED FUCKING MODELING.  Even worse, they can “barely model” at all and still suck out of that limited pool of fat jerk off money on the internet.

I should have TAKEN PHOTOS AND RAN FAR, FAR AWAY.

I should have TAKEN PHOTOS AND RAN FAR, FAR AWAY.

 

Now there are so many bbws that appear somewhere on the internet,  some bbws call themselves models when they have no website, and they have not formally appeared in any capacity.  Those are really “escorts” though, and that’s a whole other story because I am in Las Vegas, where you literally CAN’T THROW A STICK WITHOUT HITTING AN ESCORT.  So, the escorts call themselves “models” now trying to get around laws against prostitution.  Yeah, they AREN’T MODELS.  They will say they can “model for $300” but don’t be fooled, the cops will get them eventually.  It looks like the show “Cops” on television makes busting prostitutes seem more like a hobby than a “job”.

More SSBBW flesh than some "models" will EVER SHOW

More SSBBW flesh than some “models” will EVER SHOW

 

I’ve probably gotten all of this angst out of my system by now.  I’ll be having an interesting new year’s eve, and not quite what I would have imagined just 2 years ago.  So much has changed, and I have done a terrible job of documenting it better here.  I’ve had such an interest in writing, but I never really went anywhere with it.  Even this post is more like a bitch out session to the entire internet than a “regular blog post”, but that seems to be my “style” when I get busy typing.  It’s like therapy for me to get all this out, and while some people would not consider me very “professional” for doing it this way, I have never done anything business related exactly how other people would do things.  I do things MY WAY and I did not fail to make money for over a decade with that philosophy.

maybe a month in a mental ward would not be such a bad thing!

maybe a month in a mental ward would not be such a bad thing!

 

Now I am just a dinosaur in this realm though.  I don’t pull out a funnel to force feed, I don’t even get squashed regularly, and Candy doesn’t want to squash me because she doesn’t want to fuck me up for a clip that won’t make money anyway.

good thing either one of us did not know about "squashing" back then!

good thing either one of us did not know about “squashing” back then!

 

Candy was never one to do “whatever I told her”, she is independant, and she can be hard to work with as well.  It is no surprise that very few efforts to have her model with other people have been followed through on.  Candy has her own anxieties and her own hesitation when it comes to doing certain things and trying to model with other people.  Even if there were a line of people wanting to model with Candy, it would be difficult for her to make it happen unless the person was very likable AND persistent.  It would help if they didn’t have “some dude” start talking to Candy about modeling rather than the model herself, and it really isn’t going to happen if someone comes across as wanting or NEEDING shit.  A friend in need is a friend indeed… There is a good fucking reason for that saying, and I’ve had to learn it the hard way, thanks again Goddamn Patty…

Last never used SSBBW model, I'M STILL HOLDING OUT

Last never used SSBBW model, I’M STILL HOLDING OUT

 

Unfortunately, people with both of those qualities very rarely exist, it’s usually one or the other, and there is usually a giant AGENDA that rules over it all.  You just have to hope that the agenda they say they have matches the one they REALLY HAVE.  I won’t even get into the bullshit with “Goddess Patty” that never should have happened… Fucking con artist…  I’ve been told that the well known plus sized (some say SSBBW but she won’t) model Tess Holiday has ripped some people off before too, but it’s all forgiven, because she’s so popular and “likable” now.  Yeah, don’t believe everything you see on television, or movies, because those people can be con artists JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE, and if they used to work in media and quit, DON’T BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT A COME BACK.  That move is used to rip your ass off so quick you don’t see it until they left town.

Table to help determine people you should NOT be friends with.

Table to help people figure out who (NOT) to be friends with, apparently.

 

another wave

0

Time is funny.  One can remember some events with such clarity, and yet, other events that might be more recent seem cloudy and distant.  One can remember something from childhood as they reach middle age, yet most people can’t remember the dream they had the night before.

For some reason, negative events seem to imprint themselves into memory so much deeper than the positive ones, with a few exceptions here and there.  I can remember the feeling of achievement when I passed the A+ computer tech certification test without having paid for any training or preparation classes.  That memory is not as strong as the one of me driving back to Louisiana while leaving Alexis in Florida, and leaving behind my first successful bbw porn website at the same time.

I can remember some of the songs that played on the radio, like Duran Duran “Girls On Film”.  I thought it was really ironic that I would catch that song from the very beginning as I flipped through an otherwise blank radio band in the middle of bum fuck nowhere Florida.  I can remember that the weather was nice, and while it wasn’t too hot, I had to restrict my speed to under 55 miles per hour because the radiator in my 1985 Toyota pick up truck was partially clogged, and I had to leave Florida too urgently to replace it first.

I can only partially remember driving to Florida in that same truck, pulling a U-Haul trailer nearly full of junk to a house that was owned by the woman who would later install the fear of death into me with her lies and schemes.  I can remember taking the plane to Orlando to meet her for the first time better than I remember driving myself there with all my stuff to “move in”.

I was such a fool to move in with that woman to begin with.  I laugh and laugh when I hear about people living across the country from each other, meeting up a few times, then moving in with each other.  I’m sure it might work occasionally, but I am now under the impression that you don’t really know someone until you have lived with them over a freaking year.

If you happened to move hundreds or even thousands of miles from your former home when you move in with someone, you are kind of trapped, unless you hold on to just enough cash to get your ass back home for the first whole year.  I was dumb enough to get talked into marrying that woman within the first fucking year.

There is no way that I should have gotten married to her, but when she suggested it, I thought it would give me more security in ownership of the company I created if I was married to my partner.  That was such a bad idea, because I was so fucking stupid I did not realize the company was really in her name, and so was the website that I poured so much of myself into.

When I got married to her I was entitled to “half”, but only if I was willing to stick around and fight her for it.  By the time I was ready to leave Florida, I had no fight left in me.  Alexis had me thrown in jail twice on made up bullshit.  I was never arrested in my life before going to Florida, and now, at age 46, I have never been arrested since either.  I’m lucky that I fought the charges instead of taking a plea deal, because I don’t have any record of any convictions, and I wasn’t forced to stay in Florida for months longer taking “court mandated anger management courses”.

I wasn’t going to fight her for that website or business, and I wasn’t going to stick around Florida one second longer than necessary once the charges were dropped against me.  The very day of my final court date, when I was told I was free and clear of all that bullshit, I stopped by and said goodbye to one female friend that was special to me, I stopped by the bank where my business account was to empty that out, and I got on Interstate headed for “home”.

I didn’t even have a U-Haul trailer just yet, I made my first visit back home with my cash and the clothes on my back, leaving an apartment with a third of my stuff in place.  Once I established residency back in Louisiana, I drove the 700 plus miles each way a second time to pick up the little bit of crap I could sneak out of her house without her knowing.

I was pretty bold back then, to even try to sneak my shit out of her house when I was waiting on a court date where she agreed to drop any charges that she had made up to begin with.  Alexis not only lied to get me arrested, but she also lured me back to her house, to call the cops again, to have them catch me there and lock me up for violating a restraining order.

The first arrest was traumatic enough, but when she tricked me into coming over there just to get me arrested again, she just helped me to make up my mind to leave her and that business far behind as quickly as possible.  The second arrest was so much worse, because I was already violating a ‘bond condition’, so I had to hire a second lawyer to get me out the second time, after having to stay in there for five days.  The first arrest, I was in lock up overnight.  The second arrest, I was in general population for almost a week.

The first lawyer was just for the divorce, and he tried to tell me that he could get me out of jail, but by the third day I was on the phone with another lawyer,  paying $3000 on a credit card that I would never pay back.  It’s wild, I never declared bankruptcy, but because I left the state of Florida and never allowed any credit agency to know where I was for seven years, nearly $20,000 was dropped right off the credit report.  No bankruptcy lawyer needed, or wanted.  I had enough with lawyers, and now I realize after all that stuff why people make such cruel jokes about them.

“What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea?  A good start.”

I know that I got away without having to pay that credit off, which is good for me, but at the same time, Alexis was able to continue to collect any profit from the business I created for years after I left.  It is a good thing she was so fucking ignorant and lazy about how to go about doing that, because her websites all started to go downhill once I left.  People actually noticed, I still get occasional notes to this day.

The websites are still there.  Someone purchased or was given the business “Bigger And Better Inc” and they continue to keep fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net going to this day.  I have lifted a few photos from there to show proof that it was me right there next to Alexis when that business was at it’s height.

I spent a whole year after I came back to Louisiana just getting my shit together.  I had to get a job, I eventually had to replace the truck, and I had to find a place to live that didn’t do a credit check so that they would not find me to try to get a judgement, and so the apartment considering me would not see that I had just broken a lease in Florida to get the fuck out of there.  I was only in that apartment for a few weeks, and left it cleaner than I found it, but they were entitled to make me buy myself out of the lease because I did sign one.

So, $20,000 in credit card debt, and a $4000 penalty for not finishing a lease.  I got off cheap.  A few years later, I would fuck up and skip filing income taxes for 2 years, so I did pay an extra $2000 for fucking up like that.  I was still lucky in that case, because after spending years paying that off, I made a call and requested “penalty abatement” and I actually got out of paying the last $1000.  Again, no scumbag fucking lawyer required for me to reduce my tax liability.

It would probably take them quite a while to get around to auditing me, because I was so fucking honest with them to take on that kind of penalty, pay it off, and keep taxes paid up every year since.  I even keep receipts that could be legit business expenses but I don’t claim them, so if I am ever audited, I may actually be found to be wrong *IN MY FAVOR*.  I’m sure they don’t get that too often!

It took me a whole year to run into a woman who happened to work with phone sex.  She also had a website going, but she was buying skinny content and creating a website to resell it.  She was probably doing ok back then with that, because there weren’t tens of thousands of porn sites in existence just yet.  This was 2001.

More importantly, there still weren’t very many BBW specific porn sites, and virtually no porn sites that specialized in SSBBW.  When I first met Dia, she had never modeled, even though she had an eloquent feminine figure that happened to include FF cup breasts.

Dia was already in the adult mindset, she just never realized how powerful her body type was, until she met me.  She hadn’t done much research on the BBW niche’, even though she had been working in phone sex for years already before I even met her.  While I was getting myself into all kinds of shit in Florida, she was sitting back making cash just talking dirty on the phone.

I would have thought right then and there that I had met my future forever partner.  There was an issue though.  Me.  The experience I had been put through with Alexis, at that age, with that much loss, created a PTSD like syndrome where I became obsessed with getting credit for my work in Florida, and better, creating something all new that was all mine.

With Dia’s help, I got some pointers on design, and I was able to create a much more attractive site than fatfantasy.net ever was.  I also pulled out 21 cd’s full of images from Florida and went to work using those to build my all new site, hotbbws.com.

Within just a few months, the checks started coming.  My work had only been seen on one site before, so it wasn’t long before my photos started to get attention and make money.  My site was prettier than her’s, even though looking at it now, it is not nearly as fancy as the current corporate assortment of bbw and ssbbw related porn sites.

I like to say that the prettier the site, the less content there probably is.  I think that is a really correct assumption when I see the high quality design capability of some webmasters combined with models that quit after a few months, or are way too lazy to create new content on a regular basis!

I was so driven, but it was by revenge.  I wanted revenge on Alexis, but not in the typical way that some people go crazy and destroy shit or hurt people.  I saw a slogan on a daytime talk show before I ever left Florida where someone said “The best revenge is doing better.”

I could have taken my own advice back when Candy left both times, because I acted a damn fool online, and seemed to get off on making hurtful comments just to disturb people.  It took me months after Candy left to attempt to get revenge by “doing better”, and by that time, I had already done too much damage to ever fully recover socially online.

I was crazy motivated to find new models in addition to using all this content I had.  I was lucky to have photographed releases, ID’s, as well as about 2 dozen plus different bbws and ssbbws.  I didn’t have any of the video, even though I was in almost all of them, and there were at least 2 dozen hardcore videos too.  That was back in the days of VHS, before the internet had a prayer of ‘streaming’ a whole porn, television show, or movie.

That was back in the days of DSL and T1 lines.  Alexis had invested in a T1, but once cable internet came out, that shit was totally obsolete.  I bet that fucking woman kept paying hundreds a month for years on that shit, because the websites were hosted in a fucking garage.

Once I moved back to Louisiana, cable internet was available, and pretty cheap, and I was able to take full advantage of it.  It was not long though, before Alexis saw what I was doing, got jealous, and went fucking crazy to knock my shit down.  She harassed my hosting company, my internet billing company, and got me shut down by just being fucking annoying.  These days I know it is not quite as easy to get someone closed down without a fight, because the companies that exist today are much more stable than the ones back then.

For example, my host was shitty, and over priced.  My billing company was fucking GLOBILL.  If you do any research on them, they fucking ripped off hundreds of people for thousands of dollars when the last fucking check they mailed out bounced, and people who had thousands of dollars coming in a month were FUCKED.  To my knowledge, Globill never fully paid back any of the poor fucks they stole that money from.  I hope those fuckers still have problems because of that shit.

It wasn’t long before IBILL went down next, and that was the company Alexis used.  I was lucky to have been so fucking pissed at Alexis I would choose CCBILL before ever going to IBILL, JUST BECAUSE ALEXIS FUCKING USED THEM.

All this time a lot of other shit went down though.  After Alexis got hotbbws.com version one shut the fuck down, I had to switch over to using all my own content, which luckily, I had been working on for a fucking year by then.  Unluckily for Dia and me, my obsession to get new content pissed her off.  She was too jealous at that time to understand my absolute need to find other models and pick up where I left off in Florida.

There was a point one day when I had made plans to photograph someone, and Dia was ok with it at first, but of course, we got into an argument right before I was supposed to leave.  I was still so fucked up from Florida.  I was doing all of this shit just to get back at Alexis, and prove that all that fucking work was mine.  I didn’t even care about the fucking money, I just wanted credit for all that fucking work!

Little did I know at the time, if I could have afforded a lawyer, I could have shown that because I was the photographer, I had rights to use that work, and I could have further sued her for damages in getting me shut down.  Either way, I fucking hated lawyers, and I didn’t want to fight her.  In fact, soon after I got to Louisiana, I cut off all contact with her so that I could not be accused of harassment back in the days before “stalking” existed.

The argument with Dia was heated, and she was so pissed at one point that she said something that I could never forget, and could not accept at the time after Florida.  She said “Do you know how easy it would be to kill you in your sleep?”

Now, if it was me in the present, I would give her suggestions on exactly how to go about doing that without it hurting me or fucking up and leaving me alive and fucked up.  I have that kind of sense of humor, and now I am old enough to welcome death as long as it’s not too painful and I don’t have too much time to suffer.

Back then, I was still traumatized from Alexis.  That bitch had me thinking at one point that people wanted to blow up her house, people were following me, she had mafia affiliations, people were being kidnapped and tortured for information, and we were in debt to an organization that was providing protection.

All that was such stupid bullshit, and I was such a fucking dumb fuck to believe it for a second.  I let that foolishness go on for about 3 weeks, and one night, I got fed up.  Alexis sent me to what was supposed to be a 24 hour post office, and she gave me fucked up directions, and I was in the middle of nowhere.  I hate wild fucking goose chases!  I pulled up to a payphone, and at the risk of being shot in the head right then and there, I made one phone call.  I called her bluff by risking my very life.

That’s what I mean when I say that Alexis put the fear of death in to me while there.  It was only 3 weeks, and I was the one to blame for believing such an outrageous set of lies.  I still have the micro cassettes that I used to bug her phone after she pulled that shit, just to see what other fucking shit she would come up with.

I let my mother listen to those tapes before she died, and she was on “team Thomas” after that.  She sat back and listened to Alexis talk to another woman about how she knew an ex cop and could have me “taken care of”.  That, and a few other statements, provided more than enough encouragement for me to get the fuck out of there.  When confronted, Alexis would claim that she knew I had the phone bugged and she said that shit to bait me.

She was a liar, but she was too fucking stupid to get over on me once I busted her compulsive, pathological liar ass.  I know that shit was for real, because there was another conversation with her son in law, who was a cop, about how a “pattern of arrest” could show a pattern of domestic abuse, and enable her to forcefully push me out of the home, the marriage, and the business.  She didn’t need to do all that shit.  All she had to do was ask me to fucking leave.

On another conversation, she talked to someone else about how she had everything “set up” to take over, but she needed my help, and she needed my work ability.  I once told Alexis when I knew shit was going downhill that when I finally had enough and left, it would take five different people to do “my job”.  To this day, I still believe that to be absolutely true, because i have listed off the many jobs I have to do in another post somewhere I don’t want to stop to dig up.

Before I finally left, before the last court date that would free me forever from her, I had a conversation with her about how I am “out of control” and maybe I should just go back home and leave everything to her.  She started crying, begging, pleading for me to stay because she “needed my help”.

I told her that I had a few conversations with her friends that revealed some wild shit.  That was the cover I used to avoid telling her that I was still bugging the fucking phone.  It was a lot easier to bug a land line phone than it would be to bug a cell, but I imagine even that is not impossible, or very difficult.  The fact that I was even compelled to go to a “spy store” in 2000 and buy a voice activated micro cassette recorder and a microphone cable that plugged into a phone jack with a double phone jack plug let me know that shit was out of control already and I had to get out.  I was just looking for a reason by the time I was waiting months for my second court date after spending five fucking days in jail and blowing $3000 to get my ass out.

I have to wonder how long it took for Debbie to call Alexis when I stopped by her work to tell her I was on my way “home”.  I was really telling both “Little Debbie” and “Big Debbie” at the same time because they worked together.  They had both modeled, and I had been filmed having sex with both of them.  Alexis would be the only one to see that money after I left, except for the $3000 that I pulled out of the business account and kept in my sock on the drive home.

Back to Dia though for a moment.  When Dia told me just how easy I could be murdered, potentially by her, while I was sleeping, it was too much at that time for me to accept.  I still regret bringing her to that state of anger myself.  The real irony is in the fact that the woman I went to see could not even take photos because her relatives here staying in a trailer near by, or some bullshit.  That fucking bitch made me drive nearly an hour each way to tell me that shit instead of letting me cancel online.  She caused me to literally kick Dia out of my apartment for saying what she said because she was rightfully angry and upset at me.

I didn’t just put Dia out on the street.  I was still friends with my second ex wife Stori at the time.  Stori appears on hotbbws.com too, but only in the member’s area, because she wanted to be “discreet”.  I was way too agreeable as a fucking pornographer back then!  I would tell Dia that I would stay with Stori, and she could take as long as she needed to get her shit together and get the fuck out.  I still can’t fucking believe I did that to her.

Because I was so driven at the time to replace my work lost in Florida, and then lost a second time at hotbbws.com, I had to do it.  I don’t think I could do that to her now if I was in that situation all over again.  I still feel badly about it, and I resent Alexis more because of how badly she fucked me up over there.  I really should have gotten counseling for that shit, and so much other shit to follow!

Dia took about a week to two weeks to prepare, and I took her to the bus station, and she went “somewhere”.  I don’t even remember now, because she is not where she went at this time.  I still talk to her online, and have talked to her by phone, and I have apologized profusely for doing that to her back then.  I just could not handle it.  I was so fucked up.  She had a quick temper, and odds are, I would have pulled some shit sooner or later that would have caused us to break up.  I still think she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the pleasure and privilege of photographing.

Dia at hotbbws.com

Dia at hotbbws.com

I am fortunate that she is so gracious and forgiving, so that I can still count her among my friends, even if she is so very far away like all of the closest ones, except for Candy.  I still maintain bbwdungeon.com as an ad for her phone sex, which she still freaking does.  Exoticbbw.com was originally her’s, and she gave it to me when she decided she wanted to stick with phone sex over websites.

Bbwdungeon.com was once a member site, but I could not sustain the costs of hosting it back when I had really shitty hosting.  Thankfully the hosting issue is resolved, so I can finally add shitloads of stuff to all the sites.  The problem with me lately is the block I have in working with hotbbws.com or lots2luv.com.  The reasons for that block are partially explained somewhere else I’m sure, and explaining it again here would drag me way off course, more than I already am.

I hit over 4k in words so far, and now I think I have gotten myself kind of lost.  I realize that I had to come back to Dia, after going way off course with Alexis, and then Stori, and of course Candy.  There is something I realize is vitally important to go with all of this, and I still haven’t figured out the title of this post just yet, but my stream of consciousness writing always seems to come full circle, eventually.

Because Dia was so fucking hot and my paranoid ass dropped her, I had to find more models.  I was working full time as a computer tech with the small shop I worked at before going to Florida, before upgrading from that job to a tech job in New Orleans that I hated having to drive to, park for, and hated them for giving me shit when I failed a drug test 3 months into working for them, as they casually said they “forgot” to do it pre-employment.

That is a whole other fucking story right there, because the fact that they pulled that shit encouraged me to move to Florida and start fatfantasy.net instead of having to suck a boss’s dick every day.  They couldn’t just fire me because they failed to give me the drug test before hiring me and paying me for 3 fucking months.  They just wanted to give me a shitty assignment in http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalmette,_Louisiana, which I wasn’t fucking having.

It’s bad enough that these assholes made me come to work the day that hurricane “George” hit in 1998, and left me stranded in a Bourbon Street bar watching television until the water went down so I could see if my fucking truck got flooded while parked under interstate.  Luckily, the truck was ok, the shoes weren’t.

Anyway, anybody who has heard about hurricane Katrina knows what happened to Chalmette.  If the drive to New Orleans every fucking day and evening wasn’t bad enough, they wanted me to go another half hour to fucking shitty Chalmette.  I would be a computer tech in an oil refinery having to wear a fucking biosuit.

That is an important fact to keep in mind, because that fucking computer company influenced me to move to Florida to begin with, and start my life of being a fat fetish ‘pornographer’ forever.

Also, on a side note, those alleged ‘flushes’ to help you pass a drug test DON’T FUCKING WORK.  DON’T FUCKING TRY IT.  USE SAFE PISS.  I was asked by a co-worker when word got around that I failed the drug test “Why didn’t you bring in someone else’s piss like everybody else does?”  Too honest for my own fucking good.

I didn’t fuck up like that when I got a job at CompUSA.  I was so lucky to have a friend that didn’t smoke weed!

Back to the point.  Because I had to dump Dia because I was a paranoid little bitch, I had to find other models.  I did just that.  Over the course of the next year I would end up luring at least a half dozen bbws and ssbbws to taking photos.  I had to weed through the ones who didn’t want to sign a release and just have sex.  I had to avoid the ones who just wanted “personal pics”.  I had to focus on finding the ones who would let me copy their ID, and sign a fucking model release, and not bitch months later for me to remove them because they are a dumb ass who told the wrong person and they told the really wrong person.

I stumbled upon Candy around that time.  Candy would be the death of me and my ambition to find as many models as I could, eventually.  We met in early 2002, we were living together by the end of 2002, and we stayed in an open relationship “with conditions” until feb of 2008.  I was able to “hook up” with a woman if she was willing to give up the ID and sign a release and be on my websites.  That was the only condition.

That meant certain types of women who would inevitably contact me were off limits.  A good example of that is “teachers”.  I can’t tell you how many times I got an email from a teacher who said “I used to model but I started teaching and…” and i quit fucking reading.   Sorry.  Not really.  Next.

Now, I sit back and watch wave after wave of new models coming into the picture, doing some work, quitting, then appearing in stolen images used to promote dating sites.  Every time I see a brand new bbw or ssbbw model doing this or that, I sit back and wait until she quits, or has weight loss surgery, or both.

No matter who just started, or who just quit, there is always another wave of new models coming in and going out.  Some of the ones going out like to stick around in the periphery of porn, by running group parties or annual conventions.  They are still relevant to the bbw scene, but they still quit.

It is so ironic, that I had to reject and dump so many women over the course of my life to find, lose, and recover Candy.  Once I met Candy, I was doomed.  I must have fallen in love with her instantly, because I tried to “return her” back to where I found her, but after a few months, she always re-appeared.

Even when she left for 4 months and then for 8 months, I remained obsessed, because there could never be another woman who had the effect on me she did instantly, and further, I had never met another woman who cared enough about my own agenda to let me have it without greedy or jealous emotional restraint.

Once I was ready to give up all other women, I realized internally that I was giving up my old technique in finding new models too.  In a way, I kind of “quit” myself, but I didn’t, because I still have her.  As many times as I have lost her, i knew, that even if I came across a woman who was similar, there was no way to build up that kind of history with someone else.  At 46 years old, I don’t think I have time to go through all of that over again and still be young enough to physically do the shit by the time I did.

I did meet one woman while Candy was gone, that I already went into great detail about.  She is the unnamed ssbbw that I showed in the last post.  I realized as I re-read the previous post that I said I never used a single photo of her in the 4 years that I had them.  By posting her here, I just did.

By bringing up hotbbws.com and lots2luv.com I am kicking myself for not working on them more already.  I don’t care about the money, I care about the unused content that sits on DV tapes in a back room closet.  I have a computer that I set up with a firewire card just because of that camera and those tapes.  I have hours of tapes of the unnamed ssbbw and I will be glad if 4 years in time travel didn’t fuck those tapes up.

Dia at hotbbws.com

Dia at hotbbws.com

I had to add another photo, the last one was after sex, so I’m sure it was not as flattering as this one.  This photo was shot in an apartment in Metairie, Louisiana.  If I had not moved to Las Vegas the last time when I did, I would have been holding Candy’s hand walking out of this apartment in 4 feet of water during hurricane Katrina.

Fate is a funny thing.  Showing Dia at that apartment reminds me that I lived in Vegas before, and I was fucking lucky to have packed everything in that shitty car and have the exhaust scrape the interstate on nearly every big bump because of how all that shit and Candy’s huge ass was weighing that crappy car down.  The transmission didn’t last too long after that 2 way trip 2000 miles each way.

The only woman I met when Candy was gone that impressed me nearly as much as her was married and living with her husband and kid.  I am still shocked  that she did the ID and release, and I really should have added her sooner.  Maybe I was worried that with her living situation she might come back on me to remove her.  Now 4 years has passed, maybe she forgot about it altogether. 🙂

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

Now I have used 2 images of this unnamed SSBBW.  There is hope I can overcome the block I mentioned before with the 2 inactive sites.  This woman is far too impressive to sit on my drive forever.

Just like I said before, no matter how many new models start, or older ones quit, there is always another wave, even if they took photos over 4 years ago! 🙂

 

 

 

over a decade

0

I wonder myself sometimes how everything that has happened has actually happened.  The thought of Candy leaving twice, and my going literally insane both times is such a weird set of memories to process.  I know that there are times that I still experience the anxiety I felt at that time out of the blue, with no additional stimulus required.  At the same time, when real shit is doing down in my life I tend to use another type of anxiety to motivate, inspire, and push myself into doing what needs to be done.

There are times I have had some pretty heavy duty shit going on, like having to pull a huge, heavy fuel tank off a big ass van to replace the fuel pump, or pull the dash apart to replace an automotive computer.  Those two things were just last year, and while I do consider myself a hobby mechanic, both of those jobs were things I had not done before, and I had to face a certain type of anxiety in order to successfully complete both of them, and still have working transportation that is paid for, and amazes me to this day that it is still going.

The biggest obstacles I have come across in my life never came anywhere near the level of intensity I felt when I lost Candy.  It was as if everything in my life before those events meant absolutely nothing.  All the accomplishments, all the hurdles overcome, all the disappointment, all the pain, none of it meant anything when I lost the one person in the world that I felt I loved more than anyone or anything else.

I literally wanted to drink myself to death.  I went online and I started to reject everything I held dear all of my life.  I started to become the absolute worst troll that even I had ever come across in the realm of ‘SSBBW’ or super size big beautiful women.  I would not lash out so much at individuals, except for a very small handful of people who were directly involved, because they cared enough to save Candy from me if I wasn’t making her happy.

I would go into every fat specific area of the internet I could find to bitch and raise hell about how I should not be attracted to women who look like this.  I should not be in such pain because I chose someone to love who would leave me.  I was lashing out partially because I was severely intoxicated most of the time, but also because I was hurt deeper than I had ever been hurt in my life.

I am still resolving feelings of guilt over how I acted.  I have apologized over and over to one person who was mature enough not to take any of it too personally in the first place.  I have wondered what must be going through the minds of people who Candy met and interacted with while she was gone, only to run back to me, after previous accusations of abuse.

We were in a destructive, abusive relationship for at least one or two years before the point where she left, but we didn’t realize it, because there were circumstances that Candy wasn’t fully aware of that triggered negative behavior in her.  When Candy and I met, we were both potheads.  She had what amounted to a near allergic reaction to alcoholics.  She had previous family history with alcoholics, and she herself feels as if she went through a period of alcoholism in her earlier years before we ever met.

When I made the brilliant decision to stop smoking pot and start drinking in it’s place, that created an environment where I would start drinking in the evening, and as I got more and more intoxicated, Candy would grow more and more anxious and upset.  If I were to talk a little too much, or about the wrong subjects while intoxicated, it would give her the reason she was looking for to just “go off” on me.  I had a great deal of restraint, after being through everything I have been through back in Florida with Alexis, so I would let it go.

There were just a few times when I would have gotten upset along with her for being upset, and I would allow an argument to escalate to a certain point.  Then, I would get tired out from being drunk and just want to quit arguing, usually before anything significant happened.

One evening, things did get really intense, and rather than cooling off and calming down, Candy made a snap decision to take off.  She wasn’t just leaving for a day, or a few days, she was packing a back to move out completely.  Because she had just done the same thing a few months before, I started to reach a point where I didn’t want her to come back.  I had been so hurt by her leaving the last time, and so excited when she came back, that watching her leave yet again would have me telling myself that I didn’t deserve that shit, I was over it, and I can’t be in love with someone who leaves me over little shit.

For the first few weeks she was gone, she had probably intended to come back all along.  Because I entered this mindset of believing I didn’t want her back, I would allow myself to get drunk and log on Facebook to rant and rave about how shitty it was for her to leave the way she did, and how she was “not a good girlfriend” if she was going to use this tactic of leaving me to control me.

At one point, maybe 2 and a half weeks in, I got so drunk that I posted some really horrible shit on Facebook, where instead of complaining, I started getting highly insulting.  At that point, any thought Candy had of coming back started to evaporate, and instead of getting her back sooner, I pushed her away for even longer.

After about 3 months of doing nothing but getting drunk every single day and passing out, I finally decided to get back out there and try to meet people.  The first attempt was this woman in her 20’s who I talked to on the phone.  She acted like she really wanted to meet right away, so she suggested I go to some bar to meet up with her.  She totally stood me up.  I tried calling her, no answer, of course, she knew what she was doing.

I will never forget the drive home from that place, how depressing it was, and how everything I passed on the way home reminded me of being with Candy.  I was reminded of how much I loved and missed her, and I was hurt so very deeply to have the first moment of encouragement turn out to be another taunt by life itself.

I didn’t try to contact that woman, but a few days later she sent me an email trying to apologize.  I basically cursed her out, told her how useless and pathetic she was for doing that to me, and I told her not to contact me anymore.  I also wrote out at least 3 pretty harsh jokes about her having only one hand.  I know that was totally uncalled for now, but it felt good at the time to do it.  She was writing me as if there was some big misunderstanding about the plans she had made with me.  She may have attempted to say she “chickened out”, but it didn’t matter.  She was already putting me in the position of meeting her “with friends”, which I absolutely hate doing.  Then, after agreeing to that really shitty scenario, she stood me up.

I stayed at that bar until around 1am, not because I had hope she would show up, but because I wanted to put myself through the misery of being someplace I didn’t want to be because some bitch lied me into going in the first place.  I wanted to absorb all of that negative emotion for as long as I could stand it, until I really wanted to go home and slam more vodka.

There was no giving up at that point though.  I had to meet someone.  Hanging out with old alcoholic guys was more depressing than being alone, and the more I was alone, the more time I had to act like a total dickhead on Facebook.  I believe a part of me hates Facebook to this day for giving me an outlet to make such an ass of myself.  I still get drunk and act stupid online, but I am not mean, depressed, and cruel to people.

When that woman stood me up on the very first date planned since Candy left, it reminded me of the long, hard road ahead in finding someone I am attracted to, who was available, who I could trust.  The person I was at that time would not allow me to find the “perfect woman for me” though, because I wasn’t myself.  I was lying to myself about not being in love with Candy and wanting her back, so I would naturally lie to myself about the kind of woman I would be truly happy with.

One woman was so physically awesome, and she agreed to model, and I still have yet to figure out what site I want to add her to.  It has been nearly 4 years since I took those photos, and I have yet to ever use any of them.  A part of me looks at that work as inferior because i was so very drunk most of the time.  Another part of me looks at that work and feels the pain I was in at that time.  Something has blocked me from using those photos, even though I have an ID, a model release, and she is physically amazing and impressive as a SSBBW.

unnamed ssbbw

unnamed ssbbw

It was awesome and amazing to meet someone so physically amazing and incredible.  I would have been instantly in love with her appearance with the hopes that her personality would not let me down.  She was unavailable though, of course.  She was available to mess around, but she was living in a situation that prevented any possibility of us being together.

This was another harsh reminder to me of the long hard road ahead in finding someone I could love like Candy.  The first woman to appear and actually come through and meet me would turn out to be someone that I would never have a chance of being with.  A woman who I could probably be content to be monogamous with for the rest of my life is just another fantasy.  Of course.

I didn’t give up though, I kept searching, and I reached another compromise.  There was one woman who was kind of aggressive online about wanting to meet up, but at the same time, she was a certain “type” that I was always hesitant to get involved with heavily.  I’ll just say it, she was a freaking “christian”.  She was eager to meet me though, and that seemed to be a rare occurrence for me in the online dating world, so I agreed to meet with her.

the christian bbw

the christian bbw

She was beautiful, and happened to remind me of someone from the distant past facially.  She had full, sexy arms, and DDD breasts, but she had kind of the typical “top heavy” figure, which has never been my total favorite.  Anyone who has seen images of Candy would realize quickly that her mass is more heavily distributed on the lower half.

Since as long as I can remember, there has been this thing about larger thighs.  In a previous post, I went into great detail about a theory that I have about being near sighted as a child and going years without wearing glasses.  I may have started to distinguish male from female by body shape more heavily than face, and because I had such an intense sexuality, I started to become attracted to larger and larger representations of visual femininity in the body.  I could recognize someone from a great distance before seeing their face by seeing their shape and even their walk.  I still do this, because I can recognize some people from a distance, looking at their back while they walk away.  I once picked out a woman I knew in a crowded mall on a Saturday from the second floor while she walked away on the first floor a great distance below and away from me.

Because of this, I have to admit even to myself that I developed a kind of “fetish” for large thighs.  I tried to overcome this, because I kept telling myself that I didn’t love Candy, I was no longer attracted to Candy, and I was not going to limit my potential sexual partners to women who are “Super sized” or super morbidly obese, who happen to have large thighs too.  That was too specific for my old, ugly, drunk ass.

I kind of settled, which is horrible, and I still feel guilt over how it hurt her when I had to tell her Candy was coming back.  I settled on her being religious, her being top heavy, and her being kind of distant and controlling herself.  It’s not like I wasn’t attracted to her, because at her size, with her shape, I could do things with her that I could not physically accomplish with Candy, ever.  She could literally ride me to the point where I was struggling to control climax.  Having those pendulous breasts swinging in my face while she gyrated on top of me was something that was kind of “new” to me, and it was literally amazing.

I know that sex is not the only thing that can keep a relationship together, and while I was still fixated on my preference for large thighs, I would end up cheating on the christian in order to see and photograph the unavailable ssbbw.  One time they actually passed each other in the parking lot because I was such a bastard.  I can’t believe that I was able to pull off that kind of timing while I was so hopelessly intoxicated most of the time.

By the time I started to “date” again, I did reduce the drinking a great deal.  I also got a job, which surprised even me at the time.  I didn’t just get a job, I got 2 offers and had to choose between them.  I also pulled that off just weeks before it would have bankrupted me to pay rent before getting the first paycheck.  My timing does seem pretty amazing, even when I am impaired.

I must have been dating the christian for a few months, because it really hurt her when I sat her down and told her that Candy was coming back to me.  I had to also admit that I had been talking to Candy behind her back, and that I loved Candy all along, even if I was trying to lie to myself about not loving her because she left me.

All of this seems to have wanted to come out of me today because it has been a few months since I had to hurt someone else emotionally, when Candy thought she wanted to leave and somehow we managed to work it out yet again.  I thought there was no way that I could have met someone that I would be so fond of while I was still living with Candy, even if she was planning to leave.  Maybe the fact that she didn’t just eject herself much faster gave me some kind of ability to find and meet exactly the kind of woman I would want to be with after she was gone.

That hurt me this time.  I had a few months to get to know someone who is physically amazing and complex intellectually.  Because Candy was leaving yet again, I was giving myself an opportunity to find the near perfect woman while Candy was still with me.  Of course, the second I find one that seemed to be really compatible, and have real potential, it would be ripped away from me because I cannot resist the loyalty of my love for Candy, and she changed her mind yet again.

Being with Candy for over a decade, I have been through more emotional turmoil than ever in my life.  That is saying a lot, since I lost my very first SSBBW porn site in a divorce when I left Lexi in Florida.  I was so young and foolish and impulsive, and even way back then, I had a level of maturity to realize that I had to leave that situation or I was going to end up getting in more and more trouble over time.

I have managed to resolve a lot of my feelings about Alexis, and what I went through in Florida, but it still impresses me that I was able to walk away from “my baby”.  i cared more about that first website, fatfantasy.net, than I ever cared about Alexis, and that’s exactly why it had to be given up, to save myself.

me and alexis so long ago

me and alexis so long ago

Now I have to deal with unresolved feelings from when I was a total dickweed on Facebook while Candy was gone both times.  I have to deal with the guilt of how I treated all the people involved who were just trying to help Candy, and they didn’t even love her the way I do.  I still have issues with getting intense and typing too much in a place I shouldn’t be while I am somewhat intoxicated, but nothing reaches the level of pure crazy that I dove into while Candy was gone both times.

I had to break someone’s heart because I could not choose them over Candy.  Not just because of the time I have known her, but because the intense level of emotion that has developed over that time.  Now I have to deal with that too.  I’m getting better, not letting myself get as drunk as I used to.  I try harder to resist the temptation to log on to social media when I pass a certain level of intoxication, but sometimes it is just too tempting, and too satisfying.

Writing while intoxicated is something that I picked up as a kind of coping mechanism to deal with the loss and pain of Candy leaving both of those times.  For a period of maybe a year or so since being in Vegas, Candy’s decisions kept me in a kind of emotional stasis where I had to go back to those habits to deal with what I was feeling at the time.

It’s amazing, that Candy and I were falling apart because we were staying in different rooms during the day, and the little interaction she got with me was when I would bust into the bedroom ranting about something on the news or something I saw online.  I failed to see how just being apart from each other, even in the same residence, was slowly destroying our relationship.  It would seem so obvious to anyone on the outside, but I was blinded by my bias, my emotions, and my past experiences.

I’m getting better, I’m writing this on day 6 without a cigarette, or I should say a real cigarette.  I’m still using nicotine replacement, with the nicotine patches and an e-cig, only for use when cravings reach a level of intensity that make me want to give up and buy a pack of cigarettes.  I’m limiting myself to a 12 pack of beer over a 2 day period, trying to give myself a break for a day or 2 between 12 packs.  If I drink more than 6 beers in one day, I am limiting my future intake the next day, and I won’t let myself buy more.

I still get loaded and type, but now my mood is so different.  I’m dealing with a lot of shit, and a lot of unresolved feelings, but I feel as if I am slowly stumbling out of some kind of haze that I have been living in for the past 3 to 4 years.  It’s not just the alcohol, it’s the experience of how different I am and felt before I started drinking to begin with.   It’s not like I am a life long alcoholic, I just started using it seriously after 40, and I’m 46 now.  I used to hate alcohol because I knew it was put in place as a sedative to get people to stop doing ALL OTHER DRUGS, which is pure and total bullshit.

I’m not just for marijuana legalization, I believe that all kinds of psychedelics should be legal too, because humans were given this huge brain to use in ways that our current proper and prudish society are literally SCARED TO USE.  After reading authors like Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert, I realize that there is great potential and discovery in using these drugs to stimulate parts of the brain that were probably created because humans were doing that shit millions of years ago to begin with!  Of course, if you are a hardcore christian, you might believe there is no way this planet can be that old.  That’s why I can’t get along with christians.

I have read studies about using LSD to cure alcoholism, and there are times I have to wonder if I inflicted that horrible disease on myself just to figure out how to cure myself later.  I compare that theory to the way that I suspect some plus sized models have a goal point to reach before they get weight loss surgery and start the process all over again.

I have a lot of crazy theories, and none of the education required to truly experiment with them.  My most intense theories are the ones I have about how one develops a fat fetish to begin with.  That thing about body recognition and a need for a super feminine form is a pretty good one.

Ok, now I’m rambling, and going off course.  This post should have ended when I used the term “over a decade” out of respect to the title. 🙂

 

 

trollgasm

0

Oh shit.  I’m actually fucking going to write in this thing sober?  What the fuck???

Well, the drunk asshole came out, finally, bitching and complaining about being here for eight months without very much social interaction or interest on either of our parts in making it happen.  Candy would have reminded me over and over since getting here not to lean on anyone else for anything I want.  She had to drag me back to reality by stating that I didn’t realize how fucked up I was, and what I was doing.  I wish I could have kept momentum and set it all up as planned, without getting so freaking lazy, only to freak out after months of inactivity like I just blinked back into my body after a long vacation.  There is a stress hanging over us, the stress of knowing we could give something up, but how it sucks having to really do it, because we suck so bad at it (being drug addicts).  She tried to tell me there was a time and a place for that shit, and dealing with these interactive social organizations would not help me to get what I want in the long run.  Trying to even use facebook for any “real purpose” would be a mistake in the long run.  I was just curious, but this drunk troll fucker knows something I don’t and he put a quick stop to it for whatever reason…

I am guessing that’s why this last time I went over a week without drinking and then downed a whole six pack in about 15 minutes, I totally went the fuck off on a few Las Vegas bbw specific groups… Man… I don’t even remember most of it, but I do remember finding out that I had gotten kicked from at least one group.  Most wouldn’t guess, but it surprised the shit out of me that “drunk asshole” didn’t make a “clean sweep” and get “me” booted out of “all of them”….  After all, the even weirder drunk persona probably referred to “the group” as “the facebook group”, not any specific “category” of social interaction.  A push, after several attempts to stay off facebook for weeks at a time, to finally just do away with it.  But…  There is no telling what the response would be to “complete” invisibility.

Maybe being invisible again is what I need to go back to doing what I have an opportunity to do but haven’t, because I’m so preoccupied with time, geography, and finding the right “alternate” drug of choice when I’m not supposed to have it here, but I can have it over there.

Remove all connections to Las Vegas, maybe even pushing myself to deal with fucking snow so I could get 420 without having to depend on ANYFUCKINGBODY at all whatsoever…  It’s what a part of me wants to happen anyway, so I couldn’t resist getting loaded and flipping the bird at everyone around me in visual range as I plot out the next “place” and have that additional emotional “umph” behind it, having myself feel almost pushed out instead of choosing to leave.  🙂  I am a user on a level that most people don’t even fucking know because so many of them are so fucking ignorant as I am to the true nature or value in this ability or inability.  I have cash though, so the arrogant part of me thinks it’s fine as long as I grease the right palms, if they get that close without fear of biting.  🙂  The problem is, I know how vastly different snow climate is, in all kinds of fucked up ways, and I never wanted it.  I seem to occasionally need great pushes of energy to force me into doing shit I don’t want to do for the sake of getting what I want, just like every fucking body else. 🙂

Candy assures me Seattle is more rainy than snowy.  That’s awesome.  Dry was so fucking cool though, dishes dried fast, wiping up spills was faster, let’s go back to humid, with cold periods…  But mountains and rain.  Awesome.  Let’s just “go for it”… See, that’s what I mean… Vegas actually had much better weather, although, it would occasionally rain and flood the piss out of just one area leaving everything else ok.  If it starts running low on water I’m sure that is going to be a big hassle too.  I think a part of me almost wishes for the degree of isolation that long cold periods would bring, and the necessity for planning ahead while keeping an eye on the weather.  I also believe that I could find a niche where I fit in that has absolutely nothing to do with a sexual preference.

I wrote out some big long blog post in the blog at exotic right before getting the beer, and I am surprised at the way in which the drunk asshole living deep in my head would have used the shit I wrote against me.  At some point in that blog post, I had said something about Las Vegas people being anti-social because of how most people here are fucking scum bag con artists, so people have to be really careful about where they go, what they do, and who they hang out with.  The truth was that I was being “socially” lazy, in every way, and now that I get some energy I just explode so the negativity can be “flushed”, and I can further push myself to do what I want to do deep down.  It’s going to be an immense pain in the ass though.    Moving, and a fucking snow climate to top it off…  Yeah, sit around being a lazy fuck for eight months and then freak out and move again… Real smooth.. ROFLMAO

It’s kind of sad, how the troll inside of me seems to use “everyone” to get some emotional response.  Candy wasn’t joking when she put up that emotional vampire meme, she may have seen some kind of freak out coming.  Shit, some of my facebook posts in the days before the drunk escapades I fucking talked about “going crazy” and needing an emotional outlet for my frustration…  She held up, but it’s not like it helped her general state of mind.  She had to see me getting loaded and pushing out all the negative emotional shit that built up over an amount of time that was probably more significant than I knew as it was happening.   What a fucked up coping mechanism…  That’s what drugs are for.  Except, I can get prozac or hydroxyzine but not thc.  I can, however, get a legal analog cannabinoid receptor agonist, right across the street, called “spice”.

When I analyze what I can remember about my latest outburst, I realize that I am in fact the “anti social” one.  A part of me seems to actually like it too, enjoying my bad behavior to the maximum possible degree.  Most of the time I would feel a little guilty or ashamed or at least sorry about what I had done, but this time was different.  This time I could break down my behavior in an effort to put the puzzle pieces together that some hidden part of my mind shuffled up on the table that is my brain.  This time, at least a small part of it may have been “necessary” for the general purposes of exploring my “mental illness” while intoxicated.  The change that happened 4 months after the move here was reactivating in my head 4 more months down the line.  Now I “only have” 4 months to get off my ass, really go through shit, throw %50 away, and seriously plan the next weird ass move.  I’m so fucking conflicted.  The pros and cons are not so simple.  I’m grateful I can afford to just pick up and go, I know that this place has serious issues going on because it’s so tourism connected in the areas that it is.  I try to rationalize that the crime potential is actually lower than Baton Rouge, but it doesn’t always feel that way when you see the shit going down every time I’m out there.

Who am I?  I’ve said that more than once, it’s a running theme in my writing and even in my behavior on that stupid fucking site facebook.  It seems like I don’t really like facebook as much as I like to “fuck with people online”.  Again, a reason I was trying to cut it out for a while, and now I will be even more “inspired” to do so. 🙂  I think that I make a terrible troll, but the problem is, the troll side of my personality doesn’t have any fucking “strategy” in his fucking game… Maybe he does and “I” just don’t know it yet…  Maybe “he” really is trying to help me get to the bottom of what I really want, knowing that Vegas was cheap and positioned “in between” several alternatives, but not meant to stay in too long…  It is very fucking dangerous.  I mean, Baton Rouge wasn’t a fucking picnic by any means, especially with the New Orleans migration after Katrina, but this place is absolutely fucking crazy with cops and shit going on.  A part of me is trying to evolve to fit in emotionally with this geography and it is obviously fucking with me because of what I see in the very little time that I venture outside.

Four months after moving to Las Vegas, the voters of CO and WA decided to legalize weed.  This came after I spent at least 2000 on the move, and put myself in a typically shitty cheap Las Vegas neighborhood.  I went to so much time, trouble, effort, and expense to do this.  I should have known a part of my brain would literally freak out the moment I saw reports and read articles about what those two states had done, after what I had done.  According to the direction my rage took recently, drunk me took offense with a perception of people with shit to sell, trying to make their money, do their little fucking hustle, saying anything and everything to anyone who shows the slightest interest because each individual might add a few more dollars to someone’s little haul.  They don’t know how potentially fucked up the rabid animal is in that cage before they rattle it for loose change. 🙂

Rational me can totally support everything they do, and even hope that they find success in whatever they are trying to accomplish.  The one delusion that drunk me would assume and focus on was that they were kind of “baiting”.  They were not freaking baiting!  They were being “nice” and I’m an asshole while intoxicated at specific blood level alcohol, which I should have already been equipped to test regularly during a “binge period”.  🙂  attention attenion attention, yom yom yom… she eats food, i eat energy, positive or negative…  By that, I mean this thing that has happened to me over and over with the passage of time, especially since that first major break up, where if I go past a certain point, in absolute laziness, I push myself to a point of necessity.

This time Candy was kind of freaking out in two ways, maybe it was a strategy to distract her from already “drinking without warning”.  I never think it’s a big deal every time it happens, but she almost breaks down crying at times saying that “Nobody has done shit to you and your such a dick”  Then that conceited, arrogant, condescending side of me comes out again and says “it’s what they haven’t fucking done for me.”  LOL that guy is a dick, but I think I need him for strength this time.  I almost totally lost my shit when I found out CO and WA both legalized after I moved into this fucking shit hole.  OMFG I felt like “the biggest loser” because I know vegas is fucked up because I have actually lived here before.  It got even fucking worse since last time too!  See, that’s sad, I chose… well, she chose I agreed, but I didn’t want snow…  yeah, that drunk guy keeps rolling that around forever, even as he knows his time is limited because it’s going to be sobriety land because i am working hard to prevent any delay in my own procrastination by actually being successful online with the ‘facebook group’.  So inappropriate.   🙂

I try to explain to Candy that the part of my brain that enjoys trolling so much, even if he sucks hard at it, or maybe not, seems to have a real egotistical issue about wanting to be “known”, even if he is “hated” in some circles (simple attention whore).  In fact, I woke up with a thought rolling around in my mind about how the troll inside of me knows that me, as a person, is not very “likable, interesting, or charismatic” so he would rather take the easier route and accept dislike over mediocre, flighty, not very beneficial indifference going upwards to the level of offers on the fly.  Maybe that part of my brain has such a disorder that he’s like “Thomas motherfucking Obesiverse was fucking here motherfuckers!!!  Now suck it!!!”  I know, it’s horrible, but it’s drunk me.  I didn’t stop him, but then again, I wasn’t able to test blood alcohol, and i think, no i just stopped spice too…. damn that shit is scary.

I’m sure a lot of people have a strong ego, but mine has been fucked with in ways that I probably could not afford the psychological evaluation to figure out.  🙂 I am extraordinarily lucky and fortunate, as I seem to want to write all of the time, in an effort to remind myself of how lucky I am and how good I’ve got it, even as a part of me dwells way too heavily on just one little thing that I want but can’t have.

That seemingly unobtainable thing is supposed to be there, because deep down, you know that you observe not having it as “uncomfortable”, even as you do not realize one potential alternate reality where it was easy to get that one thing, but something else is fucked up in ways that made you wish you could trade one reality for another “in a heartbeat”.

On another note, before I forget, I had a major deja vu that would not have been possible if it weren’t for the use of “salvia” about 2 months ago plus the major episode of drunk douche bag recently.  I uttered something going into a short trip, and that shit came true.  Then again, I made it come true… was the trolling predicted?  or did I troll because I had this one vision 2 months ago and it tried to express itself while i was intoxicated to prevent future events from occurring?  Was it necessary for some reason that is actually external to me or my level of observation?  🙂  Never know now, or maybe I already do.  🙂

Maybe some really fucked up shit might have happened if I let myself go without her. Probably not, but maybe so.. 🙂  lol  I would not drink anyway, because drinking is strictly prohibited for me not only while driving, but while being “social”, or even attempting to be online.  The recent behavior is also an illustration why I would not be drinking in bars, because instead of pissing off a few people online I would be getting arrested in real life.  Maybe I had to give them a taste to see if they could handle it, since it is a bar thing. 🙂

It’s like I get off on being denied that one thing for months, and then I have a weak moment and freak out because I am not letting myself do EVERYTHING possible to get it.  Then, the asshole side of my personality raises difficulty on “me” even more by totally burning the bridges of “maybe” for the relief of “pulling off the band aid” and getting a “fuck you” along with a “no”… lol  Then all the “fake concern” will stop (evil smile wringing hands), maybe even an effort of “divide and conquer“…. LOL  these people have no fucking idea of how weird i really am or “who” they are dealing with, because I don’t even know myself all the time

I really don’t hold it against them, but playing it any further on either side might not be as fun if I take responsibility for being wrong.  It really would be too soon to even try, because now I don’t want anyone to think I was being nice for my own benefit, because even as a self centered jerk, it doesn’t benefit me to fake it.  It’s better to be cleared out and then do it, to show that it wasn’t really them, it was my need to kick myself in the balls for a while.   It’s so irrelevant in the “big picture”, that I know I’m wrong, and I know that no matter what I say or do, I am sharing the same cosmic mental energy with each and every living being on this planet at this time.  They already call it “drama”, so again, drunk fuckers must do it all the time.  🙂

The sad thing is that I could really get herb by trying repeatedly off craigslist, even willing to lose money getting ripped off or take chances with “safety”, but a part of me would end up denying myself for a period of time and actually give one specific “group” of people (later realized the entirity of the facebook group in and of itself on my side or “profile”) 8 months to do just one small favor, that I would pay them for. 🙂 If they failed (of course they would fail, i didn’t work it right), it would give a horrible, resentful part of myself a reason to tell them all to fuck off, only upsetting Candy and saving myself a tiny amount of cash in the process… 🙂  omfg  no way…

It’s more like saving time, saving the gas to go anywhere, and saving myself from the headache of sitting around in a bar for hours and feeling too awkward to talk to anyone, like in that first week I was in Vegas and went to EXACTLY THE WRONG FUCKING BBW EVENT...  Approaching an inappropriate real life group of people for an inappropriate reason and unrelated motive.  I had to burn out on it, and most importantly, not drink.  Maybe I hate myself for taking so long to figure out a simple concept.  If Candy liked doing the party thing, she would let me fucking drink without hassle.  The more I pushed myself to go if she wasn’t interested, the further self hatred would brew over my desire to have alcohol regularly but self restriction from it.  I can’t drink every day though, just like I shouldn’t do spice every day.  It actually starts to make sense to me in a very weird way maybe.  The “drunk me” wishes he could drink and hang out in a bar again, but he can’t, because he’s really fucking rude and shit.  If I go, I can’t drink though, and I still have to go on my own because of the multitude of reasons I have tried to get to the bottom of in why Candy won’t go.

I meant to do that though, maybe?  LOL  That drunk fucker… He’s done it again… I know, it’s me, but still… Shit, no wonder Candy doesn’t want me drinking, but if she let me do it every 3 days or so I wouldn’t binge and gorge myself on the shit when I get my hands on it like somebody trying to smoke a golf ball sized crack rock.

When I asked Candy why there would be two bbw events on the same weekend, she had to remind me that there were two rival groups, and there was a big possibility that personal politics had something to do with it.  I am so naive when it comes to local shit that the thought never occurred to me.  What a fucked up alternate reality I am fucking in…  Man I deleted half a paragraph… Great job!  Progress…. Maybe…  I have no idea of whatever was going on over there in facebook land, because I was so inactive, so “drunk me” went over there and tried to force some reaction with some attention because I was never going to crack that nut anyway over there…  I was letting myself get distracted from the methodology I had planned on using in coming here, and for that, again I was projecting my self anger onto something that I made up.  Weird, but again, necessary for the purposes of psychiatric evaluation that I can’t afford to pay for. And a rush you can’t get from drugs.

Why can I remember overhearing some comment under someone’s breath almost eight months ago and I can’t even remember the “juicy stuff” that got me kicked out of a fucking las vegas bbw group???  Maybe drinking bottled water versus a six pack quickly had something to do with it.  Man I was fucked up, and I think I was laughing out loud for real and shit, trying to be quiet because Candy was so fucking pissed…  Man…  That shit is like playing with fire.  But, it’s still controlled, and self contained.

Not to mention the fucking dreams…  Fucking human brain… I hate it so much…  God, not only do I “hate myself” but it’s because I hate the physiological and emotional limitations of being a stupid fucking human to begin with…  I want to go back to my prior ethereal being sometimes…  There is hope, because death is inevitable so it will come, and thanks to the force of irony and probability combined with uncertainty, it probably happens exactly when I don’t want it to… 🙂  that’s probably not funny, but maybe to very few.

Anyway… The troll thing seems to go to waste if “I” can’t even fucking remember it!!!  That’s part of what sucks about being an inexperienced troll who doesn’t even really want to be a troll, but has some strange compulsion while drunk to make up and point out what I feel is bullshit, which in turn, causes individuals or entire groups of people to become infuriated with me…  Maybe I still fantasize about death, like when Candy was gone… Only, while in Vegas, we could both be shot to death as we slept together, or went to walmart, or some casino, being mutually put out of the misery in never being able to find a true “home” and hating our human bodies with a passion…  Man, I hate my brain chemistry and she hates about 200 out of 500 pounds of weight…  🙂  So tragic, too bad I didn’t try harder with a joke angle, but this was kind of a dark post.

How could I have it so good and fantasize about death?  How is it that every time I hear about another “mass shooting”, instead of being angry, sad, or sympathetic, I’m getting past a split second where I am fucking ever so slightly jealous?  The first funeral for someone I knew very personally brought me to tears, but I was happy for her not sad for myself, and there was that slight jealousy.  She had “a lot of shit going on” like who doesn’t, and I didn’t know how much fucking bullshit I would have to put up with after that point in my timeline too!  Considering my failure to help her gain more control over her necessary “addiction transfer” process eventually, I hope it’s the best thing that Candy and I ended up back together for her benefit.  I wrote before about how two crazy people can’t co-exist… There has to be the crazy one and the “responsible” one, and I’m supposed to be the responsible one and not the crazy one, but I tend to think at times that I really have seen at least a tiny bit of what it’s like to be insane.  It’s someplace a part of me got very very curious about for a time.

Part of me will let myself act it out in little bits, other parts of me are much more diabolical…  Who would imagine the drunk would suddenly use the number 8 months to bring his facebook experiment to an end, “failed” when nobody on facebook even knew what I was talking about?  The “facebook group” only exists in the drunks mind as this antagonist I used while Candy was gone.  Now, getting out of Candy’s hair has occasionally given me way too much time to play with that thing again.  I was so busted too for drinking… Like she wouldn’t know… What’s astonishing is if I have to troll, why don’t I do it anonymously???  Shit…  Very strange…

What’s kind of scary, even to me, is that I am almost totally sober as I write that.  Smoking the resin build up from a pipe doesn’t count!  It might be the combination of shit that wants to “bring out the crazy” just now…  As wonderfuckingful as everything seems to be, and as lucky as Candy and I are, there are still all kinds of horrible shit just waiting to happen eventually, including the inevitability of death itself.  If one no longer fears death, they can truly and finally begin to live.  If Candy doesn’t get control of the eating thing she may experience it sooner than either one of us want to believe…

Another one of the little details, along with watching CO and WA do just about the coolest fucking thing ever in my lifetime and maybe in this country’s history while I just moved to the wrong fucking state for exactly that substance, would be the risk factors in getting fucking robbed or shot in Las Vegas.  I’m not scared of getting shot, I’m more scared of getting fucking permanently disabled instead of outright fucking killed quickly…  Candy has enough issues, I can only image her being faced with some life threatening close call shit either.  It’s bad enough that I got her into a car accident recently because some sick twisted part of me was “just having fun” and I let some guy plow into the back of the van, seeing it coming, knowing it was going to happen, and getting off on the adrenaline rush right after…  Damn, 8 months ago I drove a 16 foot fully insured, rented truck 2000 miles and I never fucked around like that…

There is the “spice” too…  That shit was outlawed in LA really quickly, but not before I did a few packets of it here and there.  For the first few months of living in Vegas, I would smoke that spice shit because it was all we had, and because, obviously, it’s harder to find a fucking good drug dealer in vegas while depending on any specific social group for “help” and not really “trying” at that.  I will find a drug dealer in Vegas, it’s going to happen, even if it’s in the last fucking 2 weeks that I end up living here.  It will be a matter of principle now, not addiction.  lol Or, I can tell myself that…  Weed isn’t supposed to be addictive!  The last time someone in this place was actually gracious and helped us out, I went right back to the spice so that Candy would have more of her medicine.    That friend was just helping out another friend a few times though until we found our own hook up.  Little did that friend realize what a social failure I am, and how much I seem to get off on being that character I thought for a moment I hated.  Actually me and my little “character” have a mutual hatred for each other, but I believe we kind of need each other too.  You think I did all that fucking driving??? lol

So, I can walk across the fucking street and get ice beer, or “spice”.  It’s not even a fucking smoke shop, and those fucking things are on every fucking block here.  The other night, I decided to get beer because I had to give the spice a rest.  I wanted to breathe again rather than keep getting high on that nasty shit.  The last few grams of that shit I smoked I hit too hard, too much, and I had an acute upper respiratory infection for a few days, like I really had just spent twenty minutes in a burning fucking house.

The fact that I have had to resist spice, resist alcohol (most of the time), and be denied regularly available weed after 8 months and over 2000 spent moving to Vegas is just too fucking much for my brain to handle after days of sobriety, passing smoke shops at every turn on every errand. One drunk moment might make it harder, or make me fucking look harder…  At this point, the switch-over has been made…  I would rather own being a complete and total asshole and release my rage and fury towards the entire state of NV than “be nice and hope for the best”.

Why the whole state and not just Vegas?  Well, there is the medical cannabis law that voters passed in 2001, while leaving other conflicting state laws in place which prevent any dispensary, even when you get a medical card…  I’m bitching about 8 months and these fucking jerk offs have gone 12 years without making that law constitutional…  You are still operating basically one step above the black market in NV even if you have a medical cannabis card, because dispensaries are illegal, and the only people even trying to provide medicine are doing call in deliveries.   That is exactly like the craigslist people, except the medical people demand your medical cannabis card number.  Still so very fucked up when compared to CO or CA…

If I have to go to so much trouble to get a card just to remove legal liability, why do it in NV since they are so fucked up?  I thought this time there would be a few cool people to help me out, but fuck no…  Just the fake concern for Candy for a few seconds without consideration that it is contributing to a larger social issue within her that pissed the drunk guy off.  He’s drunk, but he thinks he knows shit.

Maybe a part of me is also angry and resentful towards Candy herself.  I had to fucking fall in love with someone, my anti social ass spending just the right amount of time with Candy over the course of years to actually become “addicted” or “dependent” on her emotionally…  There is always a fly in the ointment though… Candy hates to see anyone intoxicated on alcohol… I know that makes up yet another part of her anxiety about hanging out in fucking bars, which is the only “social avenue” for fat people in vegas apparently besides spending hundreds to go to some fucking weekend party… 🙂  lol

All the while, NONE OF THAT SHIT GETS ME WHAT I WANT, and what I want is most important here! 🙂  Yeah, I can be a dick, but it’s kind of fun… It must fucking be because drunk me can’t help himself.  I have become “entitled”, which is a really prick like quality in most people, except, a lot of pricks do get exactly what they want eventually…  “NICE GUYS FINISH LAST MOTHERFUCKER.”  The troll part of my brain has to remind me regularly that almost all people are just useless fucks, most of them better to avoid than have any contact with at all.  I do a horrible job at playing “elimination” while drunk and then I work that much harder when I’m forced to be sober… The wall is “under construction”…

So, I love Candy so fucking much I accept that she can’t tolerate seeing alcohol intoxication.  No biggie, I’ll just get some weed…. Wait…. FUCK!!! LOL

So… A part of myself has “won” a small battle of troll versus nice guy.  Troll would say “Fuck this place, fuck all these people, fuck this shit…”  The logical side of me moved here because I wanted something, and now I am going to have to deal with exactly the sub culture element I didn’t know how to deal with, even in a state with medical and decriminalized cannabis.

Yeah, I really suck badly at “making friends” because this shit would come easy to most people.  Not me though.  Nothing can fucking be that easy for me…  I’m lucky because the things I “need” come so easily while the very very few things I want are always a bitch…  I’m too fucking lucky as it is… I’m a cranky old bastard that has to bitch about something, and then I get attention so I can still get to say they are awesome in the long run.  If they ever get it, or I ever stop doing it.  No wonder I’m going to have fucking trouble with “people”…. Fucking unpredictable, unreliable variables that are only consistent in their ability to hunt down the prey…  Sometimes I think I don’t need them, but people like Keven, and Robert, and Mark, and Chayla, and Jay, and Brian, and many others that I could list off that go beyond ten years…  The would laugh out loud at the worst, most abusive bullshit I could type anywhere…  but Candy might be a little offended…  but it’s like so freaking weird, 8 months…, who fucking knows…   Everybody likes cash though, so eventually, someone will wise up…  lol that was harsh, glad i re-read… geez…  i should have tossed in the diphenhydramine to put me down faster.

Maybe the 8 month thing is a post traumatic stress related issue to the 8 months that Candy was gone when she left last time…   I was nailing this woman who was almost as big and built in a way that was visually stunning, and I was still stuck on Candy…  It was not exactly, well, nevermind… Too soon… 🙂 Maybe a part of me hates me for loving her, and somehow getting her back and holding onto her no matter how much she might want to leave me again at times or how there are times when I *think* I “don’t give a fuck” if she leaves, because it must have become an involuntary emotional defense mechanism.

Maybe the damage done in her leaving twice already is too much, something both of us will never quite get over.  I am not used to putting someone ahead of myself, after all, I’m a self centered asshole…  Yet, I make sacrifices and try to do everything for her that she wants me to do.  Maybe a part of me hates her as much as I love her because after all I do for her, she can’t even let me have an alcohol intoxication once a week without fucking throwing shit. ~ that was harsh…  re-read… i don’t know, leave it…

So… I have to resist alcohol, and in order to breathe normally I must avoid spice too…  {later, lol omfg at least it was small amount} Even though, I could walk across the street and spend the money i can’t invest in one thing to get two cheaper and more convenient alternatives…. That I don’t fucking want and Candy fucking hates…  When you got the money, can’t find drugs, and visa versa… 🙂  Also, no shortage of fucking irony in this asshole’s life!

Candy, all the while, lives as happily as she can live, being nearly constantly embarrassed over my bad behavior, which is spawned by my fucking compliance to what she fucking wants…  Yes… “be careful what you ask for…”  I didn’t get off on trolling at all until she left the first time…  That’s when “a troll was born”.  That’s why I suck at it so badly, I never learned how to “use” it to my emotional advantage.  It appears I’m doing just that now, changing slowly into YET ANOTHER FUCKING PERSON because instead of multiple personalities, I believe I have multiple evolving moods that resemble entire personalities on their own…

I nearly constantly kiss Candy’s ass for example, never going off on her, even as she throws shit at me and makes a mess when she has a tantrum over me getting drunk.  This would happen even as a part of me would sacrifice the only remaining herb to her by taking an alternate intoxicant route with beer…  Fucked up shit right there.  I’ve given up vodka, but when I don’t drink at all for a week, then I slam a six pack in a few minutes, I might as well have drank a half bottle of vodka anyfucking way… The vodka could be even better, forcing me to pass the fuck out before going into “troll mode” and pissing off anyone and everyone I can because that part of me feels like “they are all full of shit anyway” in my delusional intoxicated state. because i was at such a high level suddenly, i became belligerent and incoherent.  it wouldn’t matter if it was minor, i guess that side of me had to make it big…

Then there is fucking snow…  I’ve joked around on facebook with a “real life” friend of mine (yes a few of those actually fucking do exist), and I said that there has to be a god, and he has to have a sick fucking sense of humor to make it so I have to deal with fucking snow in order to live where weed is legal…  Then I proclaim that if this god does exist, he really is one hell of a fucking prick.  If you bother to actually read the bible, you know what I’m talking about… I really love the hint left at Genesis 1:29 where it is said that man was given “all seed bearing plants”, and there is no fucking asterisk exempting cannabis…

Fucking christians are fucking oblivious, of course, AS USUAL, to the greater truths of this reality…  This reality sucks, and we all have to die for a reason, ‘escape’.  🙂  I believe if we were all immortal we would still kill each other and our selves off eventually just to finally leave this place…  It’s bad enough that people who claim to follow the bible pick on porn, which is not exactly “covered” because of technology, except for “vanity”.  One doesn’t have to make porn to execute the sin of vanity though… I do it all the fucking time. 🙂  Also, since I mention the bible, I’ll also quickly point out that god kills more motherfuckers in there than satan even fucking talks to!  Why do you think so many serial killers have a “god complex”?  It might make it even harder to imagine the infinite probability that exists right now in several parallel realities that I am only privileged to visit in my fucking sleep.  Even then, my own human asshole fucking brain releases DMT while I’m sleeping so I fucking forget most of that shit too…

I really have picked up a strange fucking collection of abilities or “eccentricities” over time, and they are only being added to as time moves forward, and I move with it like a particle accumulating mass in he higgs field of quantum physics… And there that shit goes again… How the fuck is quantum physics going to help you get fucking weed?  Get the fuck out of here with that shit.  lol One ability is being able to “transfer addiction“.  That shit contributed to Candy leaving both times.  The first time she left she didn’t consciously realize it was alcohol, but the second time she left, I was stubbornly refusing to quit using it almost daily, and at the time, I must have been willing to let her go because I wanted or needed to go through my six months of nearly constant intoxication.  It didn’t fucking kill me, as much as I actually tried through part of it with pills given to me by “the system” added…

Addiction transfer is talked about heavily with weight loss surgery, because a person is used to eating their ass off all the time and suddenly they physically can’t.  The impulse to eat has to be replaced, because it has become habit and addiction in a way.  These people have to switch over to “something” or they will eat too much anyway and rupture their fucking “new” stomach.  In my case, I picked up the ability to switch from weed to booze, because I was fucking sick and tired of dealing with the kind of people I was forced to deal with in order to continue using weed regularly.  In my little world, the actions of just 2 or 3 people had more impact than they knew at the time, or they could take advantage of any better than they did. 🙂  I got so fucking sick of the bullshit involved in looking for weed that I said “fuck it, I quit that shit”.  My best friend got all up into crack and meth, he started to freak out, he was the first connection.  Second connection had a dry spell, third connection kind of ripped me off because he borrowed money and wanted to pay me back in herb.  This fucked me hard though…. I’m still here, so i guess it didn’t fuck me hard enough…  So, addiction transfer is kind of cool, but you must choose wisely and carefully, more than I did with booze…

The moment I give in to Candy and agree to manage and control alcohol intake seriously, I just thought I would switch back over.  This is where the move to Vegas comes in.  Candy wanted to come back for the longest time, but it was really just to get the fuck out of Louisiana because let’s be honest, most of that state, and all of it’s politics suck ass so much harder than NV.   At least Vegas did allow decriminalization, even as they continue to cock block people from GETTING THEIR FUCKING MEDICINE by locking up those who would try and fail to run dispensaries here to supply the prescription to those who a doctor agreed needed it…

How can I be a “drug addict” when big pharma wants you to get addicted to prozac all your life?  How can I be a fucking “drug addict” when 2 states have legalized this shit, and 16 other states allow for medical cannabis?  How can I be a drug addict when it’s a fucking plant, created by this alleged “god” character, and even hinted at in the bible itself with the “seed bearing plant” thing?  A “drug addict” is apparently someone who has not yet performed addiction transfer to substances “they” want you to fucking use…  How does hemp seed oil end up being so fucking perfect nutritionally yet it is the only plant that is fucking “banned”???  How is it that people don’t understand why we are getting so fucking fat when hemp is nearly a perfect food and of course we can’t fucking have it?

Over all, people are fucking stupid, and I am fucking stupid right along with most of them, but unfortunately, I have this deep introspective thing going on where I seem to hate everybody and everything when intoxicated on alcohol, and if there was a big red button to push to destroy it all, I probably would.  I did delete most of this fucking blog after years of typing away in it…  Why wouldn’t a god just fucking blow it all up?  It’s funny, because I say I “hate everyone” and I don’t realize how close to the truth that might actually be at different times in my life…. My best friends, my girlfriend, my self, fuck I think there is a little hate in my heart for every-fucking-one.  🙂  That’s so dramatic…

This blog is where I should have taken my drunk ass to rant and rave because nobody fucking reads it anyway.  i get myself into trouble when I assume nobody will really notice some shit and then I go off all drunk anywhere and everywhere, or even weirder, I pick on one little tiny place and then act all innocent everywhere else… Sneaky fucker…  If I’m drunk and not even fully aware when I do that shit I have to give some credit to drunk self for coming up with it, even though I still don’t quite fucking understand why or what it’s about (yet).  I did remind Candy though, usually when I release such a vast amount of emotional energy, some shit happens, one way or another, so die or get weed, it makes no difference to me or probably her at this point.  lol

It’s weird, that a part of my brain actually has to be ready to face death in order to get weed because I still have to deal with people who are technically “criminals” even in a physical geography where it is “decriminalized”.  Fuck this reality is so fucked up, do people really wonder why everybody is just as fucked up???  Really?  Stupid fucking people…  They know they can’t fix “mental illness” because we seem to be the people who need to go off in extreme ways now and then for tiny little shit because the drunk side gets off on it in some way that the alternate mood swing is repulsed by.  I can’t help but note the coincidence in the fascination with “SSBBW”.  Someone once said to me that he would watch out for my “experiments” but I didn’t fully understand his meaning.

I’m only just beginning to catch on, I think, but I’m still much lower than that in philosophical understanding.  I really went off… I don’t even know how bad it is, and I will have this attitude of “go forward not back” and if really confronted I would try, as efficiently and acceptably as I could, to take responsibility for my actions and try harder, like I said last time, to stop doing this weird drunk negative stuff…  Damn this guy thought he was funny or something, making a big huge deal out of something he was just about to fix anyway.  I have nothing to promote that is “me” maybe… Who knows… The constant but slow entry onto the main domain based on limitations in space due to the other domains annoys me too, and no, so does the time frames that exist when creating anything is possible because it will mostly be necessity based stuff or more hardcore stuff.  I’m misdirecting and projecting… 🙂  So simple, and it’s sad that you know you did it when you did it.  At least I wasn’t driving and killed a kid or something…  Still, once a week… dammit… Shouldn’t be so out of control…

This really weird dude deep down in the chambers of inner childish emotions rarely gets to screw around, but when he does, it’s really wierd shit like :

I know that those who pass judgement on me are so perfect too.  They have every little aspect of their life sewn together in the most awesome way, with no problems in life at all.  They are fucking mentally perfect.  They have been touched by “god” itself.  They are so fucking better than me…  Unfortunately, they aren’t, and it’s all a fucking con that I know very well myself…  After all, I would much rather bypass all the bullshit and just be hated rather than disappointed first…

So, the eight month thing…  There may be more tied in there than I thought.  Most of the weird fucking shit that goes on in my head seems to be tied to dates, times, and the calendar, even if I don’t realize it at the time but I see the connections later… For example… I’ve been here 8 months, don’t get exactly what I want, turn into massive troll asshole while really drunk.  I think that the night I went troll fucking crazy might have been on the 19th, which is the date before Candy left me last time, the 20th, I think.  See, I don’t even remember when I try to, but then I look at my behavior, and I realize that I am really TRAPPED INSIDE OF A LOOPING FUCKING CALENDAR and there is no way I can change what will happen, just continue to walk forward on a path where I get fucked up and fucked over repeatedly until I finally “get it” for real, and figure IT ALL OUT, and therefore become a “better fucking person” and all that fucking jazz…

Considering, nobody will believe me, but I never never “hurt” someone more than I knew they could take in a moment for dramatic impact, and they knew even as I did it that it was limited and somehow, even in the heat of the moment, controlled.  Slightly unpredictable, but still controlled to a degree because shit was already out of my control.   In the future, I would rather take a blade to the gut from one specific woman than lay a finger on her in anger.  that doesn’t mean i’ll have an ability to restrain myself electronically at times with any other living entity in the reality i am perceiving though. “drunk me” is a dick, but he’s trapped behind a keyboard too. “drunk time” is educational to me, too.  I have to maintain the strict level of low mental functioning.  sometimes more than people would believe… The wall can be tall, have to watch out how high you build that wall.

Then there is Candy.  It’s interesting how much I have built up a protective barrier around her where I would never hurt her under any circumstance, yet emotionally, I will not always be a “PERFECT GOOD LITTLE FUCKING BOY” either…  That give and take is typical in any relationship.  Rebellion doesn’t seem to manifest in me beyond my desire for occasional intoxication itself, and sometimes, when unexpected, it’s “forbidden”.  It’s still not hard liquor, so still “controlled”.  It has recently devolved into this troll shit though…  I don’t have to fuck anybody else to get off in that weird, egotistical way, even though Candy would have said to me recently that because of my outburst, she thought I wasn’t jerking off enough lately.  Really, no joke, she thinks I just needed to get laid, so that might have been another hint. lol

Any and all frustration with her and her lack of patience, her quick fuse, her psychotic outbursts must be projected somewhere, because I sure can’t beat the piss out of her, at least not without tying her up first, setting the mood, and using whatever fucking props are designed for BDSM shit… lol  We were supposed to experiment more with that, at least from what I promised to get her back this last time… lol, remember that??? omfg  We have a few books, we have NOTHING BUT FUCKING TIME…  We certainly aren’t constantly annoyed and bugged by people from “the outside”…  🙂  Maybe that would be a healthier alternative to acting a fool on the internet, and I could make some fucking cash by filming it too…

Maybe it’s all me.  Maybe Candy’s bad behavior,  impatience, and intolerance of alcohol use is really easy to handle, but I’m such a crazy fuck that it is difficult at times for me.    There have been at least 2 occasions where Candy couldn’t resist saying how easy it would be to leave again.  Instead of being massively hurt or angered, I just made note, reminding her how fucked up doing that is and how it isn’t going to work on me because each and every time she has left I did not stop her…  By the time I got her back, I was only just STARTING to get to the point where I was “over her”.  In fact, it took progress in getting over her in order to get her back…  Yeah… Wonder why I’m such a fucked up fucking self hating mess? omfg lol

A while back, another friend said that I was better off without her, that we were not good for each other because of who we were, and the way we thoroughly understood each other and still failed to accept certain shit about each other.  Although I accept her, I know that there are ways in which she doesn’t accept me, and I have to maintain an equilibrium in order to accept that I must always be, in some aspect, on the ass kissing side of a relationship that I believe I want, even though I am not, by any means, a total ass kisser all the time…

We talked about getting “counseling”, but we can barely leave the house for the 3 times in 8 months it took trying to get a fucking ID in the state of NV…. Another sore point with this ‘entire state’…  It’s kind of hard to imagine I will get a medical cannabis card in the next four months if it has taken 8 months to get a fucking ID…  It’s not like I could pick a bitch up and kidnap her to the fucking DMV… Too heavy…  And I have a fucking vehicle… Fucking sad.  Just sad… If I still had that urge to get laid or even find models at least I would not have lost the ambition to leave the house at all, ever, even for the possibility of making small steps towards the holy grail of medical cannabis…

A part of me has come to the realization that “drunk asshole did NOT want me to go out this weekend”.  I still don’t know what it means, but it’s usually something I don’t get a choice in.  Wait, the “sober” me doesn’t get a choice.  That asshole only gets partial control for so little time, yet he makes the most important decisions for me… 🙂   What a dick… He really really didn’t want to go, as if he already knew deep down something Candy kept trying to tell “me”.  She would say that this was an inappropriate group to scout out for that shit… Buying a few other things is possible, just not that… 🙂  I guess I would tend to ask for the one thing I should not be asking for from the exact people I should not be asking for it… 🙂  That is my fault, not theirs, and I’ll take responsibility, and say I’m sorry if anyone was hurt in my weirdness, even if I know that they don’t know me and I don’t know them.  “in reality”  I was “joking around” really, there must have been some “:)” and “lol” in there…

It will be a kick in the ass when not only I succeed in finding the magic herb, but end up having to get it twice repeatedly because we made promises to more than one potential connection, and we didn’t want to pass up a chance once we fucking spent so long looking… lol  No matter… I have the fucking money!!! lol  That shit drives me crazy….  There are probably multiple people in this fucking apartment complex who would love to make a deal and that is just not where fate is pushing me…

Oh then there is this other thing… My recent effort to engage in “positive thinking” had kind of a blow back effect on the asshole side…  I spent days “thinking positive” and trying to be more positive, trying to offer some kind of alternative to the fuck head that I have been for so long.  It just didn’t work though.  The phrase “fake it till you make it” doesn’t take into consideration the way in which the brain bounces back to a former state with surprising insistence when it has been pulled away from habit and horror for a few moments…  It was a mistake for me to try to “be more positive” when I am simply not ready for it, and I have not dealt with so much bullshit that floats around in my head.

I have one neighbor who is a kind of “asshole type”, and she can be heard screaming and yelling all the time through the closed windows of the apartment.  She gets away with this behavior because of some previously built tolerance within her relationship by the guy she’s living with.  He can handle it.  She can yell, scream, curse, and maybe even throw shit too like Candy, but he deals with it.  Since I’m the one who usually has to hear all the crying and bitching about stuff, it’s hard sometimes to hold back when I’m in a mood to bitch, and I know ahead of time she doesn’t want to hear it.  The problem with facebook is that she can still “see it” and she even told me she was about to “unfriend” me on my last rampage.  It also makes sense that in the digital realm, I have to grab the biggest guy in jail and be a prick, it simply wouldn’t matter if it wasn’t that way, think about it.  lol  That drunk bastard isn’t as stupid as I think… Never underestimate him… he kept using that word too…

I decided to name this post “trollgasm” because there was no other way I could approach the way in which trolling, just a little, even while drunk and not really remembering, gave me such a nut I didn’t want to touch a computer for over 24 hours…  It’s like sleeping with someone you really don’t like that much but they are “hot”, and once you climax you want to get out of there as soon as possible, and wait at least a week before letting it happen again.  The trolling thing is still kind of “new” to me because I didn’t realize that it was turning into some kind of coping mechanism as it was happening.  Even now, I think I remember a point where I made a comment to someone about how I felt similar to the way I did when Candy was gone and I was just “going off” on anyone and everyone who had fucked up and interacted with me previously, at least in a way that I eventually took some offense to.

The recent troll fest was not so much “personal” for me, even though I know it would be perceived that way by anyone who witnessed it.  I was “projecting” as I have said i do over and over, some tiny feeling of self hatred drifting off me as I express hate and vitriol to those around me who have offended some part of the drunk self.  If you have experience in being around drunk people, you realize they often do this kind of thing, projecting anger and sometimes pure rage at some small perceived offense…  It’s really simple, and people should blow it off, but some don’t, and they get all butt hurt.  It’s ok though.  The drunk self was pissed at “me”, and also pissed at Candy when he was reminded by her how much she wants to be a bitch about beer.

She was already about to start throwing shit at some point, so with me knowing this, and knowing how unnecessary it all is, I blow off some of my inner rage online while loaded, which is only indirectly related to anyone specific in the moment.  Then, the drunk self thinks about it, searching desperately for someone to blame, and *bam*!  It don’t take long!  “If” people did what they say (including me), “then” I would already have herb, because people have said it’s no problem.  but… i don’t have it, so that means certain people are “full of shit” all the sudden, and I’m already pissed, so “it’s on”.

Also, because of repeated attempts of Candy to stop me from disappointing myself, instead of ignoring a group of people and simply “giving up on them”, I rage out so that I can get the “fuck you note” and stop future bullshit interaction, which causes Candy disappointment each and every time it fucking happens…  Not too difficult to figure out huh?  Yes, it’s “wrong”, yes it’s fucked up, but it gave me pleasure in the moment, for whatever reason, and it helped solidify my intent on getting the fuck out of here now that there are areas where kissing ass isn’t a requirement in getting a drug that is already legal there.  “legal weed”… just the thought…  fucking wild shit…. i think it might really fucking be worth putting up with snow now…

Maybe my over-reaction wasn’t too extreme after all though.  I mean, take the average couple (yeah, right), put them in a kind of social isolation for 8 months.  Then, introduce an agenda, a reason for us to have moved here, making anyone and everyone painfully aware of exactly what we want.  Then, we get tapped on here and there like minnows picking at dog puke in a pond by people selling shit that we don’t really want to buy.  They hint at helping us get what we want while tempting and drawing us in to some shit they make money from, or have another agenda to promote, that they are not being as up front as we are about whatever it is that they really want.

Seeing Candy “run out” yet again because of our mutual failures and the bullshit potential of other people, I fucking lost it.  I think I would do it all over again now too.  I could take it a step further, as I usually do, and say that if Candy doesn’t like it, she knows where to go… 🙂  It’s kind of humorous, in a long gone crazy type of way I guess…  I got balls to type that while she’s sleeping less than twenty feet away from me. 🙂 Candy tells me not to trust or depend on “those people” because she already got the fucking hit and run over and over, strangely, even a year before moving here.  I freak out and go off on who else?  Those people…  I’m so fucking crazy, but if being crazy has gotten me where I am right now, I guess it’s not too fucking bad for me.  I could just drink, but then again, I can’t…  Oh well, this is what I wanted most in the world, this is exactly what I fucking asked for…  Now we’re here, surrounded by bullshit, flakes, liars, cheats, hustlers, con artists, and criminals, and now I have to think like one of them to interact with them…  Drunk hate is not the worst a person could do motivated by such a perceived extreme set of circumstances…

Oh, there is yet another factor going on here… Every fucking time I have to watch Candy break down and lose it because she’s miserable in pain, complaining about how she feels physically and emotionally so fucked up she wants to die, that might be another fucking reason I have finally fucking lost it with the bullshit…  Eight months no ID, eight months no doctor visits, eight months zero progress and actually losing progress on letting a few medications run out…

They have no way of knowing that she can’t just go “hang out at a fucking bar”, no matter how it benefits them.  She doesn’t want to be around a bunch of drunk motherfuckers, or she would be letting me drink and maybe drinking herself to forget about this fucking weed bullshit, like I already learned how to do but fucking can’t because of her..  She can’t, or won’t. Obviously, she can’t transfer freaking eating… Fuck I don’t know how to fucking stop that…   Even now I have to wonder if her real reason for not wanting to go out to a bar would be the alcohol thing, or the physical humiliation in being rolled in, or the potential rejection of being encouraged so heavily with so much fake concern and then just ignored all over again.  Fuck that shit.  I won’t put her through it, even if I have to curse out every one of those fuckers…  🙂  That’s how “he” sees it, at least for now…  What a dick.

I’m so bad… But then again, I’m about to be dealing with fucking criminals, so being a fierce dickhead isn’t such a bad quality all the sudden.  I literally have no choice but to be the “bad guy” to get what I want, because I am otherwise a boring law abiding citizen, but because of the state I fucking live in right now, I want to break this one “half ass law”.  Again I stress how I am motivated by Candy’s pain, because she has failed to get an ID for so long, she was long long long out of any kind of prescribed medications, so the fucking woman is really in fucked up.  For small moments during high levels of alcohol intoxication, it can feel like nobody gives two fucking shits, but sober me knows that some really do.

I think I got so fucking pissed at this one woman while loaded because she was “so concerned” that she  built up Candy’s hopes at a time that was more critical than anyone outside would know, or I would have revealed, even as I ranted on facebook day in and day out for days about it.  I only gave her about 3 weeks though, but it was just bad timing that it was only 3 weeks kind of slightly friendly interaction before I had my 8 month freak out, but it is still kind of related, half way… Two thirds… Fail all the way around so far.   At least the feeders can do her a favor and help her keep shoveling it in so the pain will end sooner or later… that’s how she puts it at times…  Another panda express freaking card came in… I’m not complaining but…  omfg  I might really push for a freaking video, even if I would “make her” to two at a time, one eating to build me up for one potential hardcore…  I did order the taller tripod for 2nd high cam, but of course, it didn’t fucking come yet…  Neither did the fucking ID… Nothing can be “easy”.  It’s not supposed to be. 🙂

Now I can’t even hit the pipe resin because Candy could hear it, and she gets pissed, so she wants to tell me to go get spice again, since it’s right across the fucking street… Wow… She knows that shit will kill us, so I have to ask her if she’s now ready to die because she can’t have weed.  Her answer would probably not surprise you.  It wasn’t going to surprise me…  She’s pretty much ready, but she still has this little bit of nagging self preservation left.  Enough constant pain and denial of medicine she should already be entitled to should speed that up though! 🙂

Well I think I should end this one here.  Why not on a positive note?   What, you don’t think death is a positive note? lol  Your going to fucking die, we all will…  Get over it. 🙂  It’s funny, how time is at the center of all of this.  A few months down the line when I have set things up fucking correctly for once in my life to get what I fucking want, all of this will mean nothing at all to me.  Those who have fucked around with my head will mean even less…  Especially considering that nobody fucked with my head, it was actually a delusion of the “drunk self” that had some fun.  I think he had to “get out” a little… I hope he’s fucking happy now… 🙂  God, he’s so fucking angry!!!  He wants to hang out more, and I have to tell him to fuck off to keep Candy happy… Most of the time… Fucking beer… It’s so easy… I was actually surprised by how fast they went down this time…  I didn’t even pay attention.  The longer without using it, the more powerful it is.  So, abuse alcohol responsibly. 🙂  not digitally

 

 

disclaimer

2

i thought it would be appropriate to take a moment, in the exact moment when ‘the buzz’ hit.  just 2 beers would be enough for that tiny, starter buzz on alcohol.  oh, it’s sweet.  you want to sit back and smile for a second, just taking in the realization that you are lucky enough to be drinking this substance, feeling its effects, and not being fucked with by anything or anyone at any moment.

giant futon, nearly too big

giant futon, nearly too big

of course, there is the possibility that Candy might want something, but the probability is low currently because of a recently delivered cup full of green colored lemon lime flavored Kool aid, plus the second half of a huge plate of Panda Express take out that was created earlier today.

seattle, lucky bastards, celebration when the new legalization of cannabis goes into effect

seattle, lucky bastards, celebration when the new legalization of cannabis goes into effect

i wanted to drunk blog a sec.  yeah.  fucking yeah!  no, not really.  it’s not just the beer, the ice beer at %5.9 alcohol, it’s also the ‘spice’.  i picked up a variety from a smoke shop that is on Swenson right around the corner.  the place across the street has a few varieties, but this one seems to have some kick to it.  i wish i knew the exact chemical formulation of each variety that i am so willing to be a test subject for.

taco bell feast, may not have been in a video... ever... not that particular one... :>

taco bell feast, may not have been in a video… ever… not that particular one… :>

Candy should be my ‘drug’.  She is, actually.  On any given moment, if anything I perceive is ‘wrong’ where to happen, just touching her would immediately bring me to a place where i am solid, resolved, and i can handle any kind of shit i have to in the given moment.  i can think of myself as lucky to be granted with that rare opportunity.  i get to be around this wonderful person almost all the time.  i take a moment, frequently, and remember how lucky i am, for so many reasons.

400 million, it's a 'thing'

400 million, it’s a ‘thing’

when i think back to the way i was about 15 years ago, i would say that i was pussy whipped and a virtual slave.  now, i have to recognize that because of the unique combination of chemicals released in my human brain while i am around her, most of the time, i can say, as the same ‘person’, over a decade later, that i am lucky and proud to be in the position of being a slave to the most amazing person that i have had the good fortune to have met and been given the opportunity to have and lose so many times in this fleeting thing we call a life bound by the thing we perceive as reality.

run on sentences, i know.  maybe i’ll edit later.

ambulance rip off

ambulance rip off

i’m laying it on, maybe i should hit ‘the diph’.  whoa.  diphenhydramine.  why give me hydroxyzine when there is already diph?  i’m probably spelling it wrong, but the spell check messes up prozac.

photo in time article called 'your brain in love'. damned feeders...

photo in time article called ‘your brain in love’. damned feeders…

i got all juiced up, let myself log in here, and started freaking Depeche Mode Black Celebration entire ‘album’.  yeah, those big things.  oh god i’m so fucking old.  i know, i’m supposed to be ‘positive’, but i keep busting my own balls because i have paved a path of unnoticed injustice and irrelevant malevolence. in this ‘thing’, i can at least call myself an asshole and it might do somebody some good, hopefully me, maybe even someone else.

mrbigfatvideo fat youtube termination

mrbigfatvideo fat youtube termination

i’m not going to ‘hit the diph’ tho.  as wild as i will let myself run barefoot in the interwebs, i won’t go all crazy and shit.  i never did get my nitrous oxide tho… that would be ‘doing it big’ you know.  lol  that shit is like food related and entheogen related!  no way!  who cares?  cannabis cures cancer!  yeah right.  who cares?  really?  anyway… lol no context… it’s so fucked up.  at least i can type fuck and not f8ck like i feel compelled in facebook.  daring them all the time to delete me while i censor myself. sad. 🙂

megacandyfan fat youtube termination

megacandyfan fat youtube termination

i have to put it out there, because i have to say, honestly, if i’m going to be all neutral and shit… there is a lot of shit going on all over the place all over here all the time.  as a ‘maybe local’ i need to get my shit together.  i also have to say, up front, as much as the asshole who used to write this thing may have talked shit about any kind of attempt to get any social group going, forget all that shit.  i think i was playing a character who cared about that shit so much, when he could use it, like any distraction, to avoid his own problems. 🙂  I am fortunate to be able to say that money isn’t an issue to going to this thing or that thing, but the problem is there is ‘everything’.  there is also the limitations that i have learned are holding Candy back, and i have learned nearly the exact degree that she may be able to get away with and handle easily.

obesiverse fat youtube termination

obesiverse fat youtube termination

after all, this woman wanted to move to freaking vegas, she spent 3 days cooped up riding shotgun in the too small cab of a big ass moving van to get there.  she did suffer though.  either way, she wanted it, she’s got it, and now i got to make this shit happen.  i’ve been a lazy fuck.  honestly.  getting back somehow to a point if there is one because this is admittedly intoxicated writing.  we can’t go to ‘everything’.  we could go to this and that, but it’s not a big ambition, and there isn’t a big drive inside of us to justify spending the money it would take to even attempt to go to everything.  i am ‘here’, so there are probably ways i could contribute to this or that, but i have never put myself out there, and people in those circles do not have incentive to involve just anyone local because of so many people who run cons and shit out here.  i think i’ve afflicted Candy with my cheapness too… instead of spending hundreds on this or that thing, she would rather split it up into food frenzies and clothing sprees.  she knows i want to blow 300 or so on a ‘quad core 8gb ram 2 terabyte hard drive’ machine that i would build myself for just that much, and she knows that i could afford it but i put it off because i keep getting by with what i have because it works.  i kind of want it, but whatever.  not many people do that it seems. 🙂

luvembigger fat youtube termination

luvembigger fat youtube termination

i’ve always been a 20K guy.  i’ve had the choice to go higher at times, but in the worlds that i have participated in, from one end of the spectrum to another, i was just more comfortable in that area.  kind of sad.  but…  it lowered the bar on how much i had to make to just sit on my ass and ‘be my own boss’ and all that jazz. 🙂  so… it’s like being ‘poor by choice’ but not really suffering as a result.  if anything, we’re not taking advantage of our poorness to the point we could be and it’s not uncomfortable. 🙂

black diamond bontanical incense

black diamond bontanical incense reviewed

i was lucky that i chose to acquire car repair skills and computer repair skills, because it lent a hand in the situation that i happened to end up in, by choice, or by the sum of several small choices.  i could maintain an old piece of shit to the point where i’m not making payments, only paying liability insurance, and whatever seems to go wrong by will of god or fate has not prevented me from fixing it so i can keep driving it.

microwave pastry

microwave pastry

i don’t have to make a lot, and so therefore, i choose not to, and now, of course, the additional incentive of ‘affordable care act’ is quite attractive. 🙂  i used to criticize this stuff, and now i’m like “bring it on! where’s my free shit?”  i’m legit.  i pay my taxes, i’m part of the ‘working poor’ even if i’m ‘self employed’. 🙂  fucking reality.  gotta love it.  i had to switch over from depeche mode to duran duran, namesake album, entire album.  ‘anyone out there?’

ssbbw candy godiva withy almost $60 in panda express take out

ssbbw candy godiva withy almost $60 in panda express take out

this blog would come into being shortly after the announcement of the ‘end obesity in a generation’ campaign.  i don’t have the credentials, but i would love to have offered several opportunities to get to the bottom of this whole ‘obesity thing’. 🙂  for example, my desire to get access to an entire group of ‘super morbidly obese’ individuals in a MRI session that could accommodate them, to further explore the potential neurological links between them in order to find the ‘common thread’ that is so important in finding an eventual resolution.

way too much panda express!

way too much panda express!

yes… the answer… a resolution… now… think about that for a second…  big food…. food inc…  they might not be too happy with all of that.  they are an ‘ally’ in the way that they are the only force that stands in the way of full out war on anything with the ‘obesity’ tag associated with it.  obesity is the enemy!  obesity is fatal!  obesity is the devil!  omfg who do we burn first?  hahahaha

one toaster oven cooked, frozen, fried shrimp

one toaster oven cooked, frozen, fried shrimp

we can’t just ‘solve obesity’ in the sense that we can keep over consuming mass quantities of shit that is obviously not good for us.  it’s sold to us every two to three minutes on all cable networks twenty four hours a day seven days a week.  fucking right we have marketing dominance.  hire billy mayes, wait, he’s dead, the austrailian guy… whoever… 🙂  we can’t eat as much as we want as often as we want and sit around without a consequence.  that’s part of ‘the balance’.  if we could ‘solve obesity’ in one swipe, then america and china would starve the rest of the world immediately.

ssbbw candy godiva behind $58 worth of panda express take out

ssbbw candy godiva behind $58 worth of panda express take out

so then…  it’s the compulsion to eat mass quantities.  wonder why?  i’m sure that all of the neurologically sensitive ingredients like MSG don’t have anything to do with it, or AD-36 the ‘fat virus’, or genetic tendency towards obesity when the mother is obese while pregnant…  Maybe the fact that we are raised generation after generation with more and more convenience and a lack of physical activity.  If I dare to mention ‘the balance’ then i have to take many more variables into consideration for meaningful insight.  the balance would dictate that obesity is a future consequence, not an epidemic.

breaded fried shrimp with tail, heated in toaster oven and further browned as well

breaded fried shrimp with tail, heated in toaster oven and further browned as well

forget all of that… personal responsibility!  willpower!  your a failure!  buy this!  buy that!  lol that’s what it’s all about, the hustle…  capitalism, glorious capitalism.  i lick the tip of your powerful, glowing, pulsating cock every day!  you are my god, in you i trust!  lol  weird… make a note.  it’s like i’m obligated.  while i ‘own the name’ obesiverse, i am the god of obesiverse.  i am, therefore, ‘obesiverse’.  while i may not value the essence of what i have created over time, i can’t deny the fact that it did penetrate certain areas of interest because of it’s absolute literary insanity.

ice. time is slower, colder.

ice. time is slower, colder.

if you were given the opportunity to just ‘switch’, with an alternate personality, that was only slightly different, would you do it for the sake of helping not only yourself, but those around you who were just generally ‘good’ and ‘cool’?  freaking five year thing.  hard to describe.  it’s not even fucking on time, fucking actual ‘b day’ is still far off, but not really, because time is relative, and i seem to enjoy experimenting in tricks that make time go by faster, or slower, or ‘not at all’?

sweet, pork shoulder roast bone in that i just made left overs from

sweet, pork shoulder roast bone in that i just made left overs from

all of the output, of the blog, in the past, might have been a way to create an entire alternative reality, and then, like some ‘god’, destroy it.  entirely.  anything looking back would become a pillar of salt like biblical stuff that i don’t want to research in this moment.  i may have created it, as i had pondered, just to destroy it.

ssbbw candy godiva cut into that pork roast!

ssbbw candy godiva cut into that pork roast!

before being all deep, it’s actually just a matter of domain renewal.  the second somebody doesn’t keep up with that shit it’s over with.  it’s not like i can’t pay the $12 a year, it’s like, do i ‘want’ to pay it and keep this name around?  this ‘name’… this ‘character’, that at times i think i would hate right now…  hmmm…  i’m laughing right now, but i stopped the music because Candy reminded me i should be doing something else.  🙂

ssbbw candy godiva thumbs up on pork roast

ssbbw candy godiva thumbs up on pork roast

it’s so funny, just to me, maybe… maybe… 😉   there is no fucking context!   i’m locked in here with the 2D thing or something.   omfg i’ll probably want to delete it.  maybe not, it might be funny.  🙂

ssbbw candy godiva, X2, with food

ssbbw candy godiva, X2, with food

man, inxs kick full album kicks ass…  the mood has passed, and i’m over 2000 words yet again… 🙂

 

 

reality orientation

0

This ‘character’ obesiverse had manifested itself within the minds of a few people, to the extent of being called upon to hopefully provide some degree of entertainment and information in recent social interaction.   I think it’s ‘cool’ in a way, but at the same time, I face an irony in the way that I made some small attempt to partially destroy the character by removing so much ‘stuff’ from this thing recently.

ronald mcdonald gets busted for weed

ronald mcdonald gets busted for weed

There has been yet another shift in my thinking, major only to me, and the change to this blog was only a small surreal gesture in a much larger attempt to be more positive, a little more social, more aware and respectful of other people’s feelings, more aware of ‘self’, and of course, much more aware of the emotional state of the one person on this planet that has inspired what I believe is ‘growth’ in me.

Projected prevalence of obesity in adults by 2025

Projected prevalence of obesity in adults by 2025

I am not always able to observe things that are obvious to some people, and at the same time, I can sometimes see things that others will purposely block out in order to enjoy the moment, or maintain a status quo.  I know that in the past I would rant and rave about the right to exist at any size, and how society should chill out about the obesity issue, because it is internal and personal, and there is no way to shame or bully anyone into making positive change in their life.

jesus vs gates

jesus vs gates

Before moving to Vegas, maybe around the time that I started writing this thing, I believe I was having some real issues myself.  This would be obvious to anyone who witnessed my bad behavior in the time that Candy and I were separated  and it could be even more obvious in the way that Candy and I get along so good now, even though we did spend nearly a year apart over a two year period.

big feast, big belly

big feast, big belly

When Candy came back the last time, my decision to drop hard alcohol was a major factor.  While it would be easy to assume alcohol was the main problem in the relationship, it actually wasn’t.  It was a mere symptom, which was being used on my side improperly, and interpreted from her side with an extreme bias based on her past.  Alcohol appeared to be a ‘central issue’, but in reality, it wasn’t.  The main issue was the mere realization on both sides of how it would contribute to the much larger relationship areas of communication and mutual understanding.  I would be forced to compromise ‘the ego’ at times in order to retain balance and try to reinforce a positive atmosphere. If I didn’t have that ability, I didn’t have the right to assume I could change myself, or participate in another human’s efforts to change themselves.  I needed to take responsibility, and it’s weird the way it works out in time itself.

international no diet day

international no diet day

I was being immature, disrespectful, and blind to Candy’s feelings about alcohol, and I used it more regularly than I had to because of some stubborn need to ‘get what I want’ at the cost of causing her emotional discomfort.  As I write it out, it seems almost too simple to me, and I wish I could have reached this current frame of mind a lot sooner than I did.  If I had the ability to explore Candy’s emotional landscape with more efficiency and consideration, I could have gone the past two years without seeing Candy leave at all, much less twice.

"the spice" just like Dune! whoa.

“the spice” just like Dune

Even as I bring that up, I’m forced to reconcile my own temporary emotional downturn in trying to be more ‘acceptable’ and remove all legal liability by switching over from regular use of weed to alcohol…  Addiction transfer was all too easy for me, but the worst mistake I ever attempted in my life.  That one even outweighs the entire Florida thing, by far, because I have long tried to take responsibility in all of that too.

ssbbw candy godiva buffet style

ssbbw candy godiva buffet style

Way back, when I walked away and left all of it behind, I didn’t realize that it would be a way for me to stop fighting and stop denying the ways in which I was wrong, or misrepresented myself, or agreed to things that I was in no way ready to handle.  I’ll even go further and mention that all of my prior ranting about Alexis fails to take into account my own inability to recognize her specific needs at the time.  By leaving it behind, I think I was giving it all to her because as hard as it was, and as angry as I was at her, I was the one fucking up because of the way I behaved.  I was in those crazy early 30’s… Oh time is cruel.

metairie hurricane katrina

metairie hurricane katrina

As I hung out at a small gathering that I was privileged to be a part of, Candy would get to enjoy several small yet incredibly meaningful exchanges, and I did as well.  It was uplifting and inspirational to hear one woman’s story, and I can appreciate the amazing parallels that were brought up.  I am also grateful for the opportunity to see who ever would have happened to drop by the room ‘brother B’ was hanging out in for several hours on that afternoon and evening.

"complete hitch includes" ball mount, pin, and clip, uhaul says no!

“complete hitch includes” ball mount, pin, and clip, never got it anyway

The fact that such special circumstances had to occur to get Candy out of the apartment was amazing.  Considering how it has been difficult for her to maintain an aggressive pursuit of mere residency and medical requirements, I was glad to see her finally get out of the house to see a different group of people besides myself!  While I would easily get greedy for some kind of regular interaction on that level, it’s still more than Candy can handle currently, and I am feeling the pressure of not taking care of business and pushing harder myself for her to get paperwork straightened out and doctors already lined up.

trailer hitch mounting instructions from uhaul part one

trailer hitch mounting instructions from uhaul part one

It’s not like ‘super morbid obesity’ on it’s own is destroying Candy physically as much as a few very specific conditions, and it’s a kick to the ass to imagine that one hormone condition actually contributes in some way to her size as well.  Such a fucked up, misunderstood thing, even by me, or especially by me.  I could have pushed harder, and should have, as much as Candy might have objected or pushed back when it came to getting her back at that freaking DMV to get the ID.  Since before even moving here, Candy has been my first priority, and it was her choices and decisions that brought us both to where we are right now.  Sometimes I need to recognize when she is not making choices that are good for her and I need to step in, even as I try to have respect, understanding, and support for her limitations and boundaries.

ssbbw long story

ssbbw long story

Getting the ID was such a small first step.  Finding the right primary physician, even if she might decide to move to another state yet again eventually, is vital at this point.  The ID was just a small part of a bigger process that has gone months undone, and it’s horrible for me to remember how I complained about someone else not encouraging Candy harder in the past.

las vegas weekly and a map, vegas survival guide

las vegas weekly and a map, vegas survival guide

My awkward attempts to get Candy out of the house in some social context was almost an exercise in denial myself.  If it was so difficult for her to get to one government office, it was not going to be physically easy to do something as simple as ‘go to a bar’.  It was difficult for me to put it into context, because so many other people do it, but I am made aware of a new urgency to take care of business and get simple paperwork issues under control.  I always told Candy from ten year ago that letting shit slide will bust your balls later.  That’s why I’m eager to do my full audit, and I’m amazed at this very procrastination of thought organization as I let Candy sleep off a physical soreness that I know I can’t fully understand or appreciate.

Venus-of-Schelklingen name given, but photo in hohle fels specimen on wiki

Venus-of-Schelklingen name given, but photo in hohle fels specimen on wiki

I want to be diurnal!  Not really.  Oh, it’s unacceptable, I have let myself go and could be huge myself.  But, the drive isn’t there, the ‘hunger’ isn’t there.  I can selfishly over-indulge in a wide assortment of different legitimately prescribed pharma based products, over the counter antihistamines, cannabinoid receptor agonist analogs otherwise known as ‘spice’, and then say ‘ok a little alcohol’.  Probably ten years ago and then several years after that, I obtained and maintained a prescription for viagra, and I laugh at the irony that I never would have to use it with Candy. 🙂  I had recreational interests that involved being lucky enough to repeatedly end up in situations where I was filming myself with people who knew full well I was doing it and even signed a release! 🙂  Oh the time does fly… 🙂

peta hates fat people

peta hates fat people ? 🙂

I haven’t gone to the effort, but I found a small shop next to the post office that even has the whipped cream dispensers with nitrous oxide canisters that can make home made whipped cream and also make you really high for about 30 seconds.  It’s fun, been there done that, really a nice trip occasionally, but still very limited.  All of that fond talk about my own draw towards intoxication are related to it being the last great frontier of personal growth and development.  By not spending as much time ‘experimenting’, I can actually be more productive in this reality, where people have to do things like renew their ID, go to doctors, and make sure that the essentials are maintained by actually being productive. 🙂

close up of my sexy amazon trailer hitch

close up of my hitch

A little thing like my effort to draw Candy out, and then the get together at a hotel where a bbw party was going on, were extremely educational to me in terms of recognizing Candy’s limitations, and the urgency in taking care of business so that I can further hope to inspire a greater degree of seriousness when it comes to getting her weight under control first, and then going downward without great effort or psychological turmoil.   The last few issues I have with self control can be put into context better by watching how it could be effecting her.  I could fear for a moment that the last break up was even a subconscious attempt to drive her away because I felt that I was a bad influence because of enabling or whatever.

peep pizza! ripped from topcultured, hope they don't mind! :)

food porn at it’s finest

I ended up hanging out with a real ball buster for a while when Candy was gone last time, and I thought about it, how one lazy or crazy person needs another highly responsible, stable person right there to pick up the slack.  I know that Candy would not be offended if I refer to her as the ‘crazy one’ now and I have to be the one who is stable, in control, and able to not only handle assisting Candy in taking care of her business, but pushing and encouraging it.  Again, within certain limitations.

msbootay world of warcraft

what?  no. No! 🙂

All this thought coming from the fact that I realized Candy was ok in a hotel room hanging out with people, but even that had it’s limitations.  The realization that I had to help Candy out in the bathroom with just getting undressed because of what she was wearing was a big wake up for me.  The fact that she was nervous about even going and wanted to get up early to make sure she would not be late because of how long it would take her to ‘get her ass in gear’ should be another wake up.

synthetic weed what is in this shit? one molecule off? whoa...

synthetic weed what is in this shit? one molecule off? whoa…

I can’t let my own selfish desires to maintain a physical social connection to the real world overshadow the importance of helping Candy to finish urgent paperwork.  I don’t have the same motivations and inspirations that some might, because I am still so amazed to have Candy back that I can’t begin to imagine what it would even feel like to be tempted physically by another female. 🙂  At the same time, it’s amazing and intriguing to have opportunities to talk with people besides Candy, and I’m sure she feels even more strongly about having opportunities to talk to people besides me! 🙂

if u build it...

random furniture assembly

I am almost compelled to write a note to one woman who suggested coming out to one bar party, because I wanted to make her aware that I wasn’t thinking of Candy’s limitations before I suggested going or asked her about going to that get together.  It’s like, I made a small comment somewhere buried in the party page, and the mere potential created a whole new perspective for me.

my favorite big assed headless fatty in media

my favorite big assed headless fatty in media

It would end up being somewhat ‘creepy’ and not make any sense to her for me to thank her for the suggestion, because it brought about further thought in myself, and prepared me for supporting Candy in a much more neutral and ‘smaller’ environment.  In turn, that smaller get together made me even further aware of why Candy is having a difficult time and I need to help her get back on track to regular doctor visits to maybe finally help those few specific things that make her already difficult physical size even harder on her, especially in social environments.

 

It’s going to take some work to get Candy’s health better sorted out before I imagine or think of doing things like that.  It might be of interest to us, and it might even be good for her, but right now, I have to listen to her when she occasionally breaks down because she remembers what it was like to be able to physically participate more and she really wants to go, but feels self conscious now because of those limitations.

Maybe there are times I miss being ‘out there’ as I was so regularly in the past.  Being in Vegas provides constant temptation out there, always something going on in each and every single sub culture you can possibly imagine.  I didn’t come here for all of that though, I came here for her, so now I have to buckle down and make shit happen like I used to do so easily and effortlessly.

I have not only been too lazy when it came to the apartment, but I was being too lazy with Candy’s very health and well being.  It’s not like I was refusing to take her, she just didn’t want to go, and I would bring it up and she would push it off. It happened last week, but again, this outing better showed both of us the urgency now.   Maybe that’s what I was trying to make happen with the bar thing.  If I talked her into going, even if just for 2 hours or so, she would be reminded of her current limitations to the degree and extent that she would want to overcome any anxiety for the sake of getting that ID.

There were 2 efforts made, after all, getting the ID should be simple when your going in with a current ID from another state and an old, expired ID from the very state you are getting a new ID in right then and there.  No, that’s not going to happen this time in Vegas. 🙂  Last time we were here, the DMV was a one time quick stop, transferred Candy, the car, and I over to being new residents of the ‘silver state’.  Not this fucking time.  No way buddy. 🙂

chocolate covered bacon

chocolate covered bacon

Hey, I should be grateful in a way, leaving the DMV on the second attempt there was a minor accident where some guy hit my back bumper and I felt gracious because there was no light damage and let him go.  It also happened to help me finally fix an electrical problem that I should have corrected previously, but didn’t try before the tap to the back finally shook it loose enough to require being physically ‘touched’, or pulled loose totally and re-seated.

space shuttle looking '92 chevy lumina apv

space shuttle

Nothing bad has happened without something equally good or even a little better.  There has been nothing to complain about, everything has been so perfect, but it has all been in this tiny little world inside of the one bedroom apartment.  It’s been almost too comfortable, too easy, and putting off the DMV errand was too easy… “Normal” people would be like “what the fuck?”, but I have to remind those fortunate ones that some of us have to work hard at coming close to what most would consider ‘normal’. 🙂

ssbbw popeye's chicken

ssbbw popeye’s chicken

I have broken the 2000 word barrier! lol  I’m going to actually post this one instead of deleting it.  It turns out, if I think I got too negative, too personal, or too dumb in the post I would just delete it entirely.  I guess I can still have fun with this, it’s got to come in handy sooner or later. 🙂  It’s ‘obesiverse’ after all, so maybe my stories and observations actually could help other people who are stuck in the same time traps of convenience and status quo that I’ve been letting myself get caught in for, what, eight freaking months…

my view (plane not included)

my view (plane not included)

Maybe I can make new observations that help eventually lead to use of MRI to find a common neurological thread among those of us who are ‘super morbidly obese’, giving us a new tool in trying to figure out this magical, mystical, undeniably magnetic phenomenon of obesity.  It is a powerful thing, it is almost a force all on it’s own.  It is a human adaptation to store energy for use at a later time when energy sources may not be available.  I did have a lot of crazy theories and ideas before this new version of obesiverse, but my issue was ‘delivery’. 🙂

ssbbw candy godiva sub routine candy godiva ssbbw statistical and media paradox

ssbbw candy godiva 

Oh, and I do need to give myself a kick in the ass for doing more updates to the website and clip store!  So, I have even been lazy in the one area that is financially beneficial and positive in the way that it provides entertainment through observation of the force ‘obesity’ that I let myself get all stuck on for a moment there. 🙂

While the text is gone, I have to sift through the images and adjust descriptions.  I nearly want to delete half of them, but for whatever reason, they were in the images section, and I didn’t want to remove them.   They’ll run out eventually. 🙂

 

 

Go to Top