I wonder myself sometimes how everything that has happened has actually happened. The thought of Candy leaving twice, and my going literally insane both times is such a weird set of memories to process. I know that there are times that I still experience the anxiety I felt at that time out of the blue, with no additional stimulus required. At the same time, when real shit is doing down in my life I tend to use another type of anxiety to motivate, inspire, and push myself into doing what needs to be done.
There are times I have had some pretty heavy duty shit going on, like having to pull a huge, heavy fuel tank off a big ass van to replace the fuel pump, or pull the dash apart to replace an automotive computer. Those two things were just last year, and while I do consider myself a hobby mechanic, both of those jobs were things I had not done before, and I had to face a certain type of anxiety in order to successfully complete both of them, and still have working transportation that is paid for, and amazes me to this day that it is still going.
The biggest obstacles I have come across in my life never came anywhere near the level of intensity I felt when I lost Candy. It was as if everything in my life before those events meant absolutely nothing. All the accomplishments, all the hurdles overcome, all the disappointment, all the pain, none of it meant anything when I lost the one person in the world that I felt I loved more than anyone or anything else.
I literally wanted to drink myself to death. I went online and I started to reject everything I held dear all of my life. I started to become the absolute worst troll that even I had ever come across in the realm of ‘SSBBW’ or super size big beautiful women. I would not lash out so much at individuals, except for a very small handful of people who were directly involved, because they cared enough to save Candy from me if I wasn’t making her happy.
I would go into every fat specific area of the internet I could find to bitch and raise hell about how I should not be attracted to women who look like this. I should not be in such pain because I chose someone to love who would leave me. I was lashing out partially because I was severely intoxicated most of the time, but also because I was hurt deeper than I had ever been hurt in my life.
I am still resolving feelings of guilt over how I acted. I have apologized over and over to one person who was mature enough not to take any of it too personally in the first place. I have wondered what must be going through the minds of people who Candy met and interacted with while she was gone, only to run back to me, after previous accusations of abuse.
We were in a destructive, abusive relationship for at least one or two years before the point where she left, but we didn’t realize it, because there were circumstances that Candy wasn’t fully aware of that triggered negative behavior in her. When Candy and I met, we were both potheads. She had what amounted to a near allergic reaction to alcoholics. She had previous family history with alcoholics, and she herself feels as if she went through a period of alcoholism in her earlier years before we ever met.
When I made the brilliant decision to stop smoking pot and start drinking in it’s place, that created an environment where I would start drinking in the evening, and as I got more and more intoxicated, Candy would grow more and more anxious and upset. If I were to talk a little too much, or about the wrong subjects while intoxicated, it would give her the reason she was looking for to just “go off” on me. I had a great deal of restraint, after being through everything I have been through back in Florida with Alexis, so I would let it go.
There were just a few times when I would have gotten upset along with her for being upset, and I would allow an argument to escalate to a certain point. Then, I would get tired out from being drunk and just want to quit arguing, usually before anything significant happened.
One evening, things did get really intense, and rather than cooling off and calming down, Candy made a snap decision to take off. She wasn’t just leaving for a day, or a few days, she was packing a back to move out completely. Because she had just done the same thing a few months before, I started to reach a point where I didn’t want her to come back. I had been so hurt by her leaving the last time, and so excited when she came back, that watching her leave yet again would have me telling myself that I didn’t deserve that shit, I was over it, and I can’t be in love with someone who leaves me over little shit.
For the first few weeks she was gone, she had probably intended to come back all along. Because I entered this mindset of believing I didn’t want her back, I would allow myself to get drunk and log on Facebook to rant and rave about how shitty it was for her to leave the way she did, and how she was “not a good girlfriend” if she was going to use this tactic of leaving me to control me.
At one point, maybe 2 and a half weeks in, I got so drunk that I posted some really horrible shit on Facebook, where instead of complaining, I started getting highly insulting. At that point, any thought Candy had of coming back started to evaporate, and instead of getting her back sooner, I pushed her away for even longer.
After about 3 months of doing nothing but getting drunk every single day and passing out, I finally decided to get back out there and try to meet people. The first attempt was this woman in her 20’s who I talked to on the phone. She acted like she really wanted to meet right away, so she suggested I go to some bar to meet up with her. She totally stood me up. I tried calling her, no answer, of course, she knew what she was doing.
I will never forget the drive home from that place, how depressing it was, and how everything I passed on the way home reminded me of being with Candy. I was reminded of how much I loved and missed her, and I was hurt so very deeply to have the first moment of encouragement turn out to be another taunt by life itself.
I didn’t try to contact that woman, but a few days later she sent me an email trying to apologize. I basically cursed her out, told her how useless and pathetic she was for doing that to me, and I told her not to contact me anymore. I also wrote out at least 3 pretty harsh jokes about her having only one hand. I know that was totally uncalled for now, but it felt good at the time to do it. She was writing me as if there was some big misunderstanding about the plans she had made with me. She may have attempted to say she “chickened out”, but it didn’t matter. She was already putting me in the position of meeting her “with friends”, which I absolutely hate doing. Then, after agreeing to that really shitty scenario, she stood me up.
I stayed at that bar until around 1am, not because I had hope she would show up, but because I wanted to put myself through the misery of being someplace I didn’t want to be because some bitch lied me into going in the first place. I wanted to absorb all of that negative emotion for as long as I could stand it, until I really wanted to go home and slam more vodka.
There was no giving up at that point though. I had to meet someone. Hanging out with old alcoholic guys was more depressing than being alone, and the more I was alone, the more time I had to act like a total dickhead on Facebook. I believe a part of me hates Facebook to this day for giving me an outlet to make such an ass of myself. I still get drunk and act stupid online, but I am not mean, depressed, and cruel to people.
When that woman stood me up on the very first date planned since Candy left, it reminded me of the long, hard road ahead in finding someone I am attracted to, who was available, who I could trust. The person I was at that time would not allow me to find the “perfect woman for me” though, because I wasn’t myself. I was lying to myself about not being in love with Candy and wanting her back, so I would naturally lie to myself about the kind of woman I would be truly happy with.
One woman was so physically awesome, and she agreed to model, and I still have yet to figure out what site I want to add her to. It has been nearly 4 years since I took those photos, and I have yet to ever use any of them. A part of me looks at that work as inferior because i was so very drunk most of the time. Another part of me looks at that work and feels the pain I was in at that time. Something has blocked me from using those photos, even though I have an ID, a model release, and she is physically amazing and impressive as a SSBBW.
It was awesome and amazing to meet someone so physically amazing and incredible. I would have been instantly in love with her appearance with the hopes that her personality would not let me down. She was unavailable though, of course. She was available to mess around, but she was living in a situation that prevented any possibility of us being together.
This was another harsh reminder to me of the long hard road ahead in finding someone I could love like Candy. The first woman to appear and actually come through and meet me would turn out to be someone that I would never have a chance of being with. A woman who I could probably be content to be monogamous with for the rest of my life is just another fantasy. Of course.
I didn’t give up though, I kept searching, and I reached another compromise. There was one woman who was kind of aggressive online about wanting to meet up, but at the same time, she was a certain “type” that I was always hesitant to get involved with heavily. I’ll just say it, she was a freaking “christian”. She was eager to meet me though, and that seemed to be a rare occurrence for me in the online dating world, so I agreed to meet with her.
the christian bbw
She was beautiful, and happened to remind me of someone from the distant past facially. She had full, sexy arms, and DDD breasts, but she had kind of the typical “top heavy” figure, which has never been my total favorite. Anyone who has seen images of Candy would realize quickly that her mass is more heavily distributed on the lower half.
Since as long as I can remember, there has been this thing about larger thighs. In a previous post, I went into great detail about a theory that I have about being near sighted as a child and going years without wearing glasses. I may have started to distinguish male from female by body shape more heavily than face, and because I had such an intense sexuality, I started to become attracted to larger and larger representations of visual femininity in the body. I could recognize someone from a great distance before seeing their face by seeing their shape and even their walk. I still do this, because I can recognize some people from a distance, looking at their back while they walk away. I once picked out a woman I knew in a crowded mall on a Saturday from the second floor while she walked away on the first floor a great distance below and away from me.
Because of this, I have to admit even to myself that I developed a kind of “fetish” for large thighs. I tried to overcome this, because I kept telling myself that I didn’t love Candy, I was no longer attracted to Candy, and I was not going to limit my potential sexual partners to women who are “Super sized” or super morbidly obese, who happen to have large thighs too. That was too specific for my old, ugly, drunk ass.
I kind of settled, which is horrible, and I still feel guilt over how it hurt her when I had to tell her Candy was coming back. I settled on her being religious, her being top heavy, and her being kind of distant and controlling herself. It’s not like I wasn’t attracted to her, because at her size, with her shape, I could do things with her that I could not physically accomplish with Candy, ever. She could literally ride me to the point where I was struggling to control climax. Having those pendulous breasts swinging in my face while she gyrated on top of me was something that was kind of “new” to me, and it was literally amazing.
I know that sex is not the only thing that can keep a relationship together, and while I was still fixated on my preference for large thighs, I would end up cheating on the christian in order to see and photograph the unavailable ssbbw. One time they actually passed each other in the parking lot because I was such a bastard. I can’t believe that I was able to pull off that kind of timing while I was so hopelessly intoxicated most of the time.
By the time I started to “date” again, I did reduce the drinking a great deal. I also got a job, which surprised even me at the time. I didn’t just get a job, I got 2 offers and had to choose between them. I also pulled that off just weeks before it would have bankrupted me to pay rent before getting the first paycheck. My timing does seem pretty amazing, even when I am impaired.
I must have been dating the christian for a few months, because it really hurt her when I sat her down and told her that Candy was coming back to me. I had to also admit that I had been talking to Candy behind her back, and that I loved Candy all along, even if I was trying to lie to myself about not loving her because she left me.
All of this seems to have wanted to come out of me today because it has been a few months since I had to hurt someone else emotionally, when Candy thought she wanted to leave and somehow we managed to work it out yet again. I thought there was no way that I could have met someone that I would be so fond of while I was still living with Candy, even if she was planning to leave. Maybe the fact that she didn’t just eject herself much faster gave me some kind of ability to find and meet exactly the kind of woman I would want to be with after she was gone.
That hurt me this time. I had a few months to get to know someone who is physically amazing and complex intellectually. Because Candy was leaving yet again, I was giving myself an opportunity to find the near perfect woman while Candy was still with me. Of course, the second I find one that seemed to be really compatible, and have real potential, it would be ripped away from me because I cannot resist the loyalty of my love for Candy, and she changed her mind yet again.
Being with Candy for over a decade, I have been through more emotional turmoil than ever in my life. That is saying a lot, since I lost my very first SSBBW porn site in a divorce when I left Lexi in Florida. I was so young and foolish and impulsive, and even way back then, I had a level of maturity to realize that I had to leave that situation or I was going to end up getting in more and more trouble over time.
I have managed to resolve a lot of my feelings about Alexis, and what I went through in Florida, but it still impresses me that I was able to walk away from “my baby”. i cared more about that first website, fatfantasy.net, than I ever cared about Alexis, and that’s exactly why it had to be given up, to save myself.
me and alexis so long ago
Now I have to deal with unresolved feelings from when I was a total dickweed on Facebook while Candy was gone both times. I have to deal with the guilt of how I treated all the people involved who were just trying to help Candy, and they didn’t even love her the way I do. I still have issues with getting intense and typing too much in a place I shouldn’t be while I am somewhat intoxicated, but nothing reaches the level of pure crazy that I dove into while Candy was gone both times.
I had to break someone’s heart because I could not choose them over Candy. Not just because of the time I have known her, but because the intense level of emotion that has developed over that time. Now I have to deal with that too. I’m getting better, not letting myself get as drunk as I used to. I try harder to resist the temptation to log on to social media when I pass a certain level of intoxication, but sometimes it is just too tempting, and too satisfying.
Writing while intoxicated is something that I picked up as a kind of coping mechanism to deal with the loss and pain of Candy leaving both of those times. For a period of maybe a year or so since being in Vegas, Candy’s decisions kept me in a kind of emotional stasis where I had to go back to those habits to deal with what I was feeling at the time.
It’s amazing, that Candy and I were falling apart because we were staying in different rooms during the day, and the little interaction she got with me was when I would bust into the bedroom ranting about something on the news or something I saw online. I failed to see how just being apart from each other, even in the same residence, was slowly destroying our relationship. It would seem so obvious to anyone on the outside, but I was blinded by my bias, my emotions, and my past experiences.
I’m getting better, I’m writing this on day 6 without a cigarette, or I should say a real cigarette. I’m still using nicotine replacement, with the nicotine patches and an e-cig, only for use when cravings reach a level of intensity that make me want to give up and buy a pack of cigarettes. I’m limiting myself to a 12 pack of beer over a 2 day period, trying to give myself a break for a day or 2 between 12 packs. If I drink more than 6 beers in one day, I am limiting my future intake the next day, and I won’t let myself buy more.
I still get loaded and type, but now my mood is so different. I’m dealing with a lot of shit, and a lot of unresolved feelings, but I feel as if I am slowly stumbling out of some kind of haze that I have been living in for the past 3 to 4 years. It’s not just the alcohol, it’s the experience of how different I am and felt before I started drinking to begin with. It’s not like I am a life long alcoholic, I just started using it seriously after 40, and I’m 46 now. I used to hate alcohol because I knew it was put in place as a sedative to get people to stop doing ALL OTHER DRUGS, which is pure and total bullshit.
I’m not just for marijuana legalization, I believe that all kinds of psychedelics should be legal too, because humans were given this huge brain to use in ways that our current proper and prudish society are literally SCARED TO USE. After reading authors like Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert, I realize that there is great potential and discovery in using these drugs to stimulate parts of the brain that were probably created because humans were doing that shit millions of years ago to begin with! Of course, if you are a hardcore christian, you might believe there is no way this planet can be that old. That’s why I can’t get along with christians.
I have read studies about using LSD to cure alcoholism, and there are times I have to wonder if I inflicted that horrible disease on myself just to figure out how to cure myself later. I compare that theory to the way that I suspect some plus sized models have a goal point to reach before they get weight loss surgery and start the process all over again.
I have a lot of crazy theories, and none of the education required to truly experiment with them. My most intense theories are the ones I have about how one develops a fat fetish to begin with. That thing about body recognition and a need for a super feminine form is a pretty good one.
Ok, now I’m rambling, and going off course. This post should have ended when I used the term “over a decade” out of respect to the title. 🙂
What an oversimplification! Although, I can imagine that if I was asked to point out my preference in the projection of the posterior, I would have answered 90 degrees instead of 45, but I am a super freak for big big butts.
In my case, big butts might happen to come with full, round, soft, sexy thighs. I should just say “big thighs” but I know that is such a turn off to women that they pay big money to fix this “fault”. I just love some big thighs. Thighs that look too big for the rest of the body. I don’t know how the curvature of the spine would come into play on that though.
I have always assumed that my preference for big thigh ssbbws was because of the enhanced appearance of femininity expressed by such a rounded and curvy silhouette. I remember old television shows where a guy would create a violin shape with his hands to represent a woman who was “built like a brick shit house”.
I never thought of my preference as being all about “big butts”, but there seems to be a much greater likelihood of a woman having larger than average thighs if she also happens to possess a big round butt. This is not always the case, I have seen my fair share of women who somehow have a large butt, and thighs smaller than mine. I don’t want to offend women who happen to have skinny thighs, because I do not believe all men share my perception, but I somehow see skinny thighs and a small butt as masculine.
All of this is a matter of perception though, and just like the way some people saw a white and gold dress and some saw a black and blue one, I see masculinity and femininity expressed by shapes. As long as I have researched why I might have been afflicted with such a sexual preference, I continue to be surprised at how most explanations go towards survival of the species and evolutionary preferences.
Ever since discovering the Venus of Willendorf statues, I have been enthralled with the possibility that my preference was born not just with me, but somewhere way back in the paleolithic era where those statues originated. The earliest version of sculpture, and the first human representations are big fat women meant to be worn around the neck.
That is like the invention of art, sculpture, jewelry, and media preferred body types, and it took place over 10,000 years ago! Long before the first television or magazine, there was something tangible that could be touched and worn that represented a preference for a big old fat woman!
The existence of those statues seems to prove that somewhere throughout time in the paleolithic era, cavemen were carving these things out of stones as the very first sentiment of “I like big butts” was running through their heads. I have to wonder if there is some kind of cellular memory in place within my very DNA that suggests I may have been related to one of those guys who carved these things. I have let my hair grow to a point where I actually resemble a caveman now!
Those little statues seemed to have huge breasts, tiny forearms, but a big belly, big round butt, and some substantial thighs. If you look around at a Wal Mart, you might notice that all big women are not built this way, and while I read somewhere that more women carry weight in the lower half, there are still a lot of top heavy women out there with huge breasts, big belly, tiny butt, narrow hips, and small thighs.
venus of willendorf
It seems like a lot is changing in the world of media right now, but as stories come out about the first plus sized woman to appear in a Sports Illustrated ad, or the first “super morbidly obese” woman to sign a major American modeling contract, I am reminded that the first super sized woman in media was created over 10,000 years ago.
These recent achievements are impressive, since for so many years, the media has been focused on a “thin is in” mentality. In my humble opinion, all of that was done in order to create the billion dollar surgical, diet, and medical device industry. It seems that the pendulum of time always swings back and forth, and I always thought in the back of my mind that one day, all this obsession with being thin and not being fat was going to eventually cause an equal and opposite effect.
The explosion of bbw content and ssbbw content in the adult areas of the internet is really fascinating to me, because my very first plus sized website specialized in ssbbw, before the bbw niche even existed itself. Back in 1998 when I started fatfantasy.net with big big big alexis, I didn’t care that the only few other bbw sites out there showed much smaller women. I never really thought about the possibility that my site could fail, because as much as I was into ssbbw, I knew I could not be the only one. I wasn’t.
I was inspired by the appearance of a woman who acted under the name Teighlor. I can’t say how much she weighed exactly, because as much as I am interested in numerology, the numbers side of the fat fetish don’t hold any interest to me at all. I am more interested in what I can see and perceive, and Teighlor was an ultimate example of the “pear shape” or bottom heavy figure.
She had huge thighs that rolled up on themselves, and hips that extended way outside of her relatively small waist. She had breasts that were probably large as DDD, but they were dwarfed by her massive arms and hips. Even with that build, she had a really small belly for her size, although it would still appear huge on a woman under 200lbs.
Teighlor was a major influence to me, because way back when I was around 17 or so, I started shopping at adult book stores even though I wasn’t supposed to. I was able to buy beer so easily that I never hesitated to go to those places before I was 18. When i saw her, she was the largest woman I had ever seen in adult content. She didn’t simply prance around showing off clothing like today’s typical ssbbw model, she actually did hardcore porn in several videos. She appeared in one hardcore sex video with the Ron Jeremy too.
When I saw her in that content, I realize that there was a possibility that I could find another Teighlor. Of course she would not be exactly like the one and only Teighlor, but there were similar representations out there. Teighlor made me realize that I might actually find a woman to create exactly the kind of content that I wanted to see more of out there. At the time, Teighlor really was the only woman that size who was doing the hardcore thing.
If you peek around at corporate porn sites, you still won’t see any women this big doing hardcore porn that is distributed in that way. I use the word “corporate” because they are the “big sites” that built up with big investors who could advertise for models, and hire specialists to do each and every job. I am only stuck in the amateur category because I do all the jobs myself and I refuse to invest much of anything into a business that I am amazed is successful at all.
There are plenty of ssbbws coming close to her size modeling now, but again, very few of them will go as far as she did. I believe that influence, at that early age, contributed to the reason why I am compelled to go further than doing just eating videos or videos of ssbbw walking around in different outfits. I was not aroused by that type of material myself, so it never occurred to me to limit my content to those boundaries.
Teighlor and Layla Lashell actually appeared in a movie called “The Dark Backward”, so they have a genuine movie credit to their names. I believe that Teighlor was in a few, but I am getting to that, or not.
Teighlor’s credit in that movie is “Debra Perkins”, and I can’t find Layla Lashell in the credits, but I remember a reference to Layla Anthony in the past, and that doesn’t show either. Layla does have her own IMDB actress page though, and it’s quite extensive.
So, I am excited about Kelly Shibiri appearing on the cover of Penthouse, and the woman in that bikini ad in Sports Illustrated, and the big sexy woman with tattoos who actually got the big modeling firm to notice her as a serious fashion model for people who aren’t perfect, but still incredibly beautiful.
There is so much more media out there, but it looks like I really got off the subject there. I started out talking about “big butts” and went into so many different areas. I could have focused on that one aspect, and pointed out how the butt was relevant in every situation, but it’s probably obvious how a big butt is something all these things have in common.
Oh, since I brought up the penthouse thing, here is a link for you. I was buzzed one night and started to email back and forth with Shibiri on Facebook to let her know how important I thought this accomplishment was. I was too loaded, talked too much, and probably freaked her out. 🙂
All this is relevant because there is an obvious way in which society has been rejecting this inner impulse to visually appreciate the appearance of fat. It seems like some kind of guilty pleasure, and a friend from a long time ago put it really good with this expression. “Fat chicks are like mopeds. Everybody wants to ride one, but nobody wants to be seen on one.” A fat chick told me that! I thought I had heard it all, but this was before the internet, and before I had an opportunity to do much more research about fat chicks than hang out in malls and supermarkets.
Back before the internet, it was quite a task to find a plus sized woman “out there”, much less a super sized one. The super sized women must have existed, as they always have, since 10,000 years ago, but they were usually shuttered away somewhere, in a back room of a house where some family member is taking care of them. They were “protected” and “isolated”. There was no way for someone like me to find them, which is why I actually got certified as a nursing assistant, to work in nursing homes, where one might happen to reside.
I know, that is fucking diabolical. i can’t believe I did that myself, but I still have the certification, it’s from 1996, before there was such a thing as a bbw dating site. By the way, never use niche dating sites. It is tempting to believe you could find a local fatty on one of those, but there is just no way. There are way more than enough bbws out there to populate the nationally popular dating sites, so using those will give you the greatest odds of finding a real life local bbw, not some fake profile that was put there to make it look like there is even one freaking local WHERE YOU LIVE.
Anyway, fuck bbw dating sites, that’s out of the way. I did go so far as getting a freaking nursing assistant certification, and spent nearly a whole tax return on that freaking course. I also worked for free for 40 hours of “clinical” in a real “long term facility”. That shit was some of the most traumatic, fucked up experience of my entire life. It was a depression that I could feel, weighing me down, making it hard to breathe and even walk.
When I walked into the first patient’s room and got his back story, the instructor looked at me and asked me if I was ok, because I had turned more white than I already am, and was obviously in some kind of total daze.
The guy was a professor of something at a local college, and he had a heart attack and died, but was revived too late. He just sat there looking like someone who had been lobotomized, holding on to this little teddy bear. I almost lost my shit. I did not understand what the meaning of the word “empath” was at that time, but I do now, and I can still almost feel what I felt while I was standing in that room 19 years ago.
I knew that I could stick out the 40 hours, even after that experience, but I also knew I never wanted to work in that kind of environment. I did get to bathe a 70 something year old plumper with a nice set of breasts on her, but it was uncomfortable for me because I wasn’t old enough to develop the more deviant part of my sexuality just yet.
From that experience, I now understand why I have this fascination with older women’s breasts. It seems like with some women, the breasts just stop aging somewhere around 40, so somehow, there are 40 year old breasts on a 70 year old woman. I know, that is so freaking horrible, this is why I never allowed myself to work in a real nursing home after getting the certification. I knew that I was not aroused the first time I washed an old lady’s breasts, but I shudder to think what could have happened if I had developed that little kink. I know about “abuse of the infirm”, and how serious that shit is.
I would never push anyone to do anything against their will, but a part of me has thought deeply enough about what “could have happened” to imagine that even if an older lady was seriously enjoying anything I wanted to do with her, there are people who would assume that she was not in total control of what she was doing, and I was taking advantage of her. Maybe that would not be the case nowadays, but back in the 90’s, you didn’t have all this “cougar” propaganda in the media. A young guy doing much of anything with a 60 or 70 year old would just be looked upon in one way and one way only.
Wow, I went on quite a trip there! It’s ironic that because i was certified as a nursing assistant, one of the cons that Alexis in Florida ran on me was that she knew a woman who might be institutionalized because she was super sized but had nobody to take care of her. Alexis was such a total liar, and back in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I was incredibly fucking naive.
Alexis is the woman I started fatfantasy.net with. When the internet finally did happen, and I was meeting my share of plus and super sized women in my late 20’s, I came across this woman who was the largest woman i had ever seen besides Teighlor. She was no where nearly as facially charismatic as Teighlor was, but I was amazed and impressed with her huge body.
Now I understand why women say “I am not a fetish”. I also got a very good lesson in the term “bagger”. I was literally seeing Alexis as a fetish. All I saw was her short stature, and her amazing neck down resemblance to Teighlor. I made promises I could not keep with her, because as young and foolish as I was, I thought I could resist the temptation of going off on my own with any one of the more charismatic bbws that I was working with at the time.
alexis of fatfantasy.net
When I think back to how all that went down, I can actually feel somewhat guilty now. I was not prepared for the responsibility of taking care of Alexis and maintaining my younger desire to experience being with as many ssbbws out there who would let me, until someone would cast some kind of spell on me to stop it. I think that is what Alexis thought when she encouraged me to marry her, which was not a very good decision on my part when I think back.
I was encouraging a delusion she had that I was the perfect devoted husband. I really did not deserve to be in the position I was in at that time, because now that I am older, I take responsibility for conning her in the same way she constantly lied to me.
I had a vision of what could happen if me and her partnered up for this ssbbw project. When I look back, I did a lot of stuff wrong in the technical department just like I did in the relationship department. Alexis was a supreme pathological liar, but now that I am more mature, I can think back to the ways I pushed her to lie so hard to me.
I started out making big promises that I should have known better than to ever make. I knew that I was not totally attracted to her, but more amazed with her substantially huge body. Looking at her in some of the old photos, I think that I was really harsh on her at the time. I was just so young and dumb though. How could she have ever thought I was able to be totally sincere as I watched all these bbws and ssbbws walk around wearing next to nothing, or sometimes just nothing?
I was lucky to get to photograph everyone that I photographed. I think back to some of the photos that I created, and how I will still occasionally see one of my own photos grouped together with the oldest examples of super massive models out there. I knew I was on to something with Alexis, but now I realize that I should have kept it strictly business, and not tried to incorporate a relationship into our partnership.
With Candy, it’s different. I am attracted to her in a way that I am attracted to nobody else. From the very first time I saw her, I felt something within me change ever so slightly. It did not cause any kind of instant maturity or reaction, but after meeting her, I could not let her go. If there was a possibility that I could have her, I had to have her, and that’s the kind of attraction I never had for Alexis.
Back in February of 2008, I told Candy that I was tired of working with other people, and I was ready to go monogamous. It was less than a year later she would leave for the first time. I have repeated that over and over in the course of this blog, but it is relevant, because in the end, I was the one who left Alexis and fatfantasy.net behind forever.
When Candy left me both times, I was left on my own for 4 months and then another 8 months to consider everything that was wrong with me, and how wrong I was to so many people in my past who would have stuck by me no matter what a dick or alcoholic or whatever I was. The minute I find someone that I want to give my heart to exclusively, I lose her, and a part of me felt like I deserved it.
me and alexis so long ago
When I look at this photo of me with her, I realize that she wasn’t that bad. The last time Candy was gone I would have felt fortunate to meet a woman with even less charisma. Actually, when Candy was gone last time, I did get with at least one woman who was not as impressive as Alexis was at her worst. I was depressed, drunk, and missing Candy though, so I felt lucky to get that at the time.
I’m really glad that I set out to write this. I know that I ended up going way out into left field by talking about Alexis and fatfantasy.net, but honestly, Alexis was the very first example of a really ginormous butt on the level of Teighlor that I ever experienced being with. Years later, i would meet just a few more women who came close to the size and shape that Teighlor had, but after my experience with Alexis, I knew that it would take more than a “big butt” to make me fall in love.
When I left Florida, I left fatfantasy.net and biggerandbetter.net after experiencing “online success” for the very first time. I think it made quite an impression, because I would go on to create 3 more member websites, all related to bbw, and all created with some kind of need to avenge myself in the loss of all the content I created years ago.
I had a set of 21 cd’s with all the photos that I took with the digital camera while in Florida. I kept those things for years, until one year, I got this weird depression and decided to cut them all up. Before doing it, I saved one cd worth of images that I carefully selected from all the cd’s, and then I destroyed everything else. I had been tortured by the fact that I had all this content that I created and could not use it for so many years. I will always feel kind of weird about it, and a sense of loss after doing it, but within a month of destroying all those cd’s, I heard that Alexis had passed away.
I went looking around for the folder that contains those images, because I happened to save all the images that I took of Alexis. I didn’t find them just yet, but they are backed up somewhere, likely on multiple dvd’s and also on a hard drive that is not in use right now. If I were able to choose the right photo of Alexis, and locate the right photo of Teighlor, and put them one after another, it would be easy to see why I got so freaked out that I let myself freaking get married to this woman after knowing her less than a year.
The vision I had in my head of the potential for the success I could create clouded my judgement about how to actually exist in that situation in harmony with Alexis and with myself. I was just way too immature at that time, and I never imagined that I could ever create something that would start churning out as much as a thousand a month just by photographing someone and posting the photos on a website.
I’m sure that at the time, the smaller bbws who were getting into this would look at us like we were some kind of circus freaks, because even now, Candy is hesitant to go to anything “bbw related” because she knows how she will be perceived by some of the smaller bbws. She herself used to perceive someone who is her size now as being weak and unhealthy. Now she can’t help but project that assumption on to others, and it doesn’t help when many of them are not very social to her. That might have more to do with me and my bad behavior in the past, or the fact that Candy will admit to me sometimes that she “really doesn’t like people very much”.
Ok, this was about big butts, not the prejudice that bbws seem to have for ssbbws. That is a real thing though, I am not making it up. That’s probably why I used to get so pissed when bbw bashes would advertising while using the words “size acceptance”, because I know deep down that it’s bullshit.
SSBBW Candy Godiva has a big butt
Now THAT is a BIG BUTT! Candy’s got one. She was also blessed with those big thighs I am so attracted to, or I see as being “ultra feminine” in appearance. I can’t help it if skinny thighs look masculine to me. At this point, I see a woman as more than just body parts, but in order for my penis to operate at full effectiveness, I also tend to prefer certain things over others.
So, I am not with Candy because she has big thighs, and I push all kinds of negative shit about her out of my mind. Candy just happens to have this wonderfully compatible, sexy personality with mine, and she “just happens” to have big thighs too. It is actually possible to “have it all”.
Ok, Candy woke up from a nap, and I’m over 4000 words, so I should pick some tags and get the hell out of here! I hope this is helping my writing get better, even if I do tend to skip from subject to subject with the tiniest hair of a connection between them! 🙂
I almost forgot, while talking about Layla Lashell, that she appeared in “album art” way back before a newer younger ssbbw started appearing in music videos.
layla lashell in album art for tool undertow
To quote the wiki page for the Tool Undertow album, “The album art was designed by Adam Jones. Photos in the liner notes of a nude obese woman, a nude man of normal weight, and the band members with pins in the sides of their heads generated controversy, resulting in the album being removed from stores such as Kmart and Wal-Mart.”
Great job Layla, you got Tool kicked out of Wal-Mart!!! 🙂 SSBBWs, always causing trouble! 🙂 I’ve had 8 different youtube channels deleted because they say Candy’s belly is “obscene” even when there is NO NUDITY.
I just came back to add something that may actually be relevant to the preference for big butt ssbbws. I am near sighted. That means that my vision can get a little blurry past a few feet in front of me. I was not diagnosed as a child up until I was nearly 12 or so. It is hard for me to pick the exact age, because I don’t seem to have the ability to remember exact years.
In either case, I have a theory that at that early age, while my sexuality was first forming, there was some need to have additional cues to insure that I was looking at a woman versus a male. If things got fuzzy past a certain point, it stands to reason that maybe, I needed the visual cues of femininity to be spectacular and unmistakable.
In this age of transgender acceptance, I realize why I may have had some objection to being totally accepting of people who switch gender. There is a possibility that my entire preference was born at an age where my vision encouraged me to pursue women based on factors of unmistakable femininity.
I had my first revelation of being attracted to ssbbws at the age of 16, when a guy on the school bus mentioned seeing the biggest girl in my school getting dressed through her window. He was being offensive and insulting about it, but as I pictured it in my mind, I started to get a massive erection.
Of course, she had the wide hips, big, big butt, and sexy big thighs that I am still obsessed with to this day. I attempted to go out with her, and I was not secretive about it in the least. She was kind of freaked out by my attention and she stopped seeing me.
The rejection wasn’t such a big deal, but I realized that there was basically “nobody left” in my entire high school that I would be really attracted to once I realized I was attracted to her and she dumped me. She was the biggest one, where would I go from there?
When I was 17 I looked old enough to buy beer, and the drinking age had not been jacked up to 21. I started hanging out at bars, and eventually, I came across another woman with a similar shape, who was quite a bit smaller. She was in her early 20’s, so she was an “older woman” in addition to being just “big enough” to capture my attention in a bar that may have held about 40 to 50 people at the time.
That woman would end up being my first ex wife. I didn’t realize it at the time, but there was “something missing”. I thought I was totally content with a bbw just under 300lbs who had the shape I am so attracted to. It turned out, my lack of sexual experience would catch up with me, and not long after getting married, I had a little bit of an experimental fling with a top heavy woman.
I had to get out of that first marriage because I knew that there was something out there that I was meant to discover, to do, or to create. I probably could have created content with my first ex wife if the internet existed at that time, but the problem is in the way I don’t think I would have become a computer tech if I had stayed married to her. If I hadn’t become a computer tech, I probably would not have had the confidence to become a webmaster later.
Now I have told a story within a story, long after I was going to stop this post! I wanted to express the possibility that my vision issue at an early age caused me to distinguish males from females by examining the whole body from head to toe, instead of relying on typical cues of femininity.
Even years after vision was corrected, there must have still been some lingering need to distinguish male from female by body type, because the instant I pictured that girl’s huge butt swinging back and forth nude as she walked, I would forever be afflicted with a serious attraction to a really large butt.
I have said it over and over, that smaller thighs appear masculine in my perception, but for some reason, it never hit me until now that being near sighted at an early age and not having it corrected until later might have had a not so subtle effect on my sexual preference for a super size bbw.
One can’t control when inspiration hits, but one can attempt to use the time given to let it occur.
I have a problem with the term “fat admirer”. Ever since coming across the natural phenomenon known as sexual dimorphism, I have become fascinated with the ways in which my sexual attraction is inter-woven with principles held dear by many species of animal, insect, and even plant.
Sexual dimorphism may be the one thing that helps me to feel as if my strong and very real attraction for the “super feminine” form of a super morbidly obese female is connected to nature itself, and several different species that share this planet with me, down to being just a few letters and numbers off from a DNA match to us.
The many terms that have been adopted by a seemingly “growing size acceptance movement” have neglected to take reality, nature, or the seriousness of this “mind war” they are involuntarily part of into consideration. I deleted a lot of past stuff because I came down hard on any entity that sold itself under a banner of “size acceptance” as they did nothing more than work as “event organizers” without addressing what is actually going on in the real world around them. In my opinion, there is no “true” size acceptance movement at all. The only desired direction for one’s “size” is “down”, and size acceptance is now looked down upon as enabling and false validation.
Maybe I have a much deeper perspective on size acceptance and my own preference after my attempt to seriously change it. I wanted to modify my sexual preference as if I was attracted to “forbidden fruit” that you see on television and I was under penalty of fine or persecution if I didn’t change it. The truth is, I probably wanted to open up my probability of finding a compatible personality by eliminating the need for a woman to be super morbidly obese. After all, there aren’t many of them out there, and the ones that exist are always going to be trying to change that aspect of themselves. It is truly a no win situation in so many ways.
A logical part of me wanted to eliminate this preference within me so severely that I tried to watch “plumper” porn instead of “ssbbw” porn. Instead of insisting on finding the largest examples of hardcore women in action, I would see how I could react positively to smaller and smaller women. I could not begin to imagine giving up “fat” in general, but I could adapt, evolve, and take full advantage of society’s brand new determination to “wipe out obesity in a generation”. I just had to see if I could get it up for smaller women. 🙂
Of course, that entire experiment failed miserably, with disastrous consequences for the smaller woman I had to hurt when I told her that Candy was coming back yet again. I still think it’s kind of unusual that a woman who wanted to get close to me was not as large as I was used to, but of course she still had DDD breasts and really large arms for her size. She played hard to get, and I was only halfway trying to fuck her to begin with, so it worked out exactly how it should not have, with me pounding on this barely 200lbs woman, getting off on the largest parts of her that existed, and trying to ignore the smaller parts that would actually turn me off.
I was not only attempting to change my preference in terms of “size”, but also “shape”. I seem to have a fixation on “big thighs”. When I say “big thighs”, all women believe they have huge thighs. There is no way to simply ask a woman if she thinks she has “big thighs”. There is no way to hint around, except to point out before you have seen her body that you have always had a thing for a big butt and average breasts…
Of course, that is completely idiotic, so if you happen to get some plus sized woman hitting you up on a dating site, and she absolutely refuses to produce a full body image, you just have to give up some time and go for coffee…. Yeah… Coffee… Fuck the whole full service date thing just to find out if a woman has those full, large, big thighs that are impossible to describe but you know them when you see them. So much fixation on a body part is simply unhealthy to begin with, so what a happy coincidence if a woman with massive breasts and small thighs seems to pop up to help me with my little “problem”…
I just went along. Like so much of my life, I took advantage of opportunities that fate provided to pull myself out of one of the worst depressions I have ever experienced. This one really aggressive, “psycho” type kept hitting me up, and she asked me to meet her out in a park in the daylight and safety of “public place”. Fuck yeah, why not? Of course she warned me that she didn’t want me groping her out of the gate, so I should keep my distance. When I saw her in person, it was not as difficult as you might imagine.
The “top” shape is unique in and of itself, and a lot of women who are not really “fat” would still think of themselves as fat because they have the “top” shape. While some would assume this is the most advantaged shape, it does not hold the magical appeal to me that it would for some. Those skinny thighs and narrow hips, with just the tiniest bump of a fat little belly makes the bottom half of this body type look masculine to me. I can’t explain it, or I couldn’t explain it, until I discovered, you guessed it, SEXUAL DIMORPHISM.
Those large breasts are nice to look at, and fun to play with, but the second I look down, or even see that lack of body presence in my peripheral vision, it’s all over with. I really don’t know how large breasts would have to be in order to help me resolve my revulsion to skinny thighs… It might seem “shallow” to some women, but they need to check themselves because they are on those dating sites asking for “all natural teeth”, and “over six feet tall”, and “under 40” when they are 50+, and of course, no fat short bald guys with a tiny penis please. Maybe some will ask for a minimum credit score. Some need long hair, short hair, clean cut, biker type, military type, cop type.. Before any female of my species begins to express the slightest bit of resentment over a male’s physical preferences, they seriously need to ask themselves what level of hypocrisy they are working with when they use phrases like “looks don’t matter”.
So, if thighs are my thing, why the fuck not? I just can’t “say anything” about it. Yeah, the last time I managed to talk a massive super morbidly obese woman out of her phone number, and then get an actual meeting, I went on and on the whole time about how I thought she was beautiful, and I really appreciate her body shape “no matter what everybody including herself thinks”… I really think I was self destructing on that date after she said she went to church regularly and she felt that god talked to her. Like directly to her. Yeah, she was probably a cat lady and a hoarder to boot. I scared her off, not on purpose, but she never gave me a chance to really get to know her once I shut the hell up for once. A part of me knows very well how NOT to scare a super sized woman like that, but she probably crossed the line with the church thing. Yeah, I don’t do very well with formal religion.
That is another big big irony about this aggressive woman that came to me with the big breasts and tiny thighs. She was a serious christian, church on sunday and everything. How I managed to ever get inside of her without ever going inside of her church confounds me to this day. It was one thing for her to play “touch me not” on the first date, but the first night she slept beside me at my apartment after we fell asleep without having sex was getting kind of weird. Maybe it’s because I’m over 40, maybe it’s because I wasn’t over Candy, but she could lie there next to me, tell me not to touch her, and I would just say “ok”. That went on a few times, but one morning, probably on the third time she did it, I just grabbed her and “did it”. She never said no, but she had never said “yes” either. I believe that was what she needed at the time, and it was… Incredible… As much as a part of me had to get over those skinny thighs, the breasts, at just the right angle, still did the trick… I also had to look “at the bright side”, because without an ass, there is no ass to get in the way in certain positions. A super fat woman is not quite as “vulnerable” to “sneak attack” when she has a massive ass, the way I usually go for… A “top heavy” woman with those tiny thighs and bony ass has this serious vulnerability in the way that her “fupa” or front upper pussy area actually seems to poke out a little between the thighs when this body type just brings the legs forward…
I guess one could assess from my striking and graphic descriptions that I have a “thing” about not just “fat” on the whole, but a specific body type, or “group” of body types. I have probably used the phrase “top, bottom, neither, or both” a few times by now, but then I deleted them. Using those four groups are probably not quite as flattering as using fruit to compare to body type, but I think all that shit is dumb. Top, bottom, neither, or both kind of sums it up… I thought finding a “both” type, or “genuine hourglass” would be awesome, but too many of them are seriously fucked in the head in one way or another. Sad to say it, but hey, I only have two decades of experience with women and dating. The last hourglass or “both” body type I encountered was “separated” while living with her husband and kid. She would use my internet to set up future dates with other guys after she got me off. She was like a prostitute without the cash transaction, but when I started filming her, there actually was cash exchanged.
My favorite body type would be the “bottom” type. There is such a wide variety of bottom heavy types, and I don’t have any numerical criteria when evaluating it. I “know it when I see it”. When a woman would ask me “how big is enough?”, I could only provide the same response. When asked “how big is too big?”, I didn’t learn until I met her… Now I live in fear that if Candy doesn’t get some self control she will become “her”.
One can imagine why I am so determined to separate “sexual dimorphism” from “fat admirer”. Fat admirer leaves too much up to chance. Too many missing variables. Too ambiguous. What I “am” is not an admirer of “fat”. I have a double standard with fat guys and fat women. I believe males were meant to be lean and agile, and women were meant to be softer and “rounder”. This is not misogynistic in terms of gender roles, it is a way that my mind interprets the world I am existing in. I do not choose to grant roles to gender, but my sexuality has demands that I do not feel are entirely irrational or unrealistic. Fat exists, and as long as it does, in such a plentiful abundance, why deny myself the opportunity to “be picky”?
I exist in a mindlessly driven super consumer based society. It confuses me that our society would come down on super morbid obesity, because they are, after all, “super consumers”.
When one says “fat admirer”, or “chubby chaser”, it is a disservice to the seriousness of this condition. Fat admirer could mean such a wide variety of things, and it is not nearly specific enough to separate me from sexual opportunists, or feeders. I might have granted myself with sexual opportunity, but it took work, self discipline, and mutual respect between the hunter and the hunted.
I like the term “sexual dimorphist” because it explains both the degree of specification and intensity that my preference has taken. I don’t want to feed someone to the “right size”. I don’t want to use someone who is so big “nobody else wants to deal with them”. I entertain the possibility that I have worked as hard as I have and tolerated as much bullshit as I have because “my type” just happened to look the way she had to look to capture my heart “forever”.
Looks will change, but give me about a decade to emotionally attach to the degree where the body is no longer relevant… Please… 🙂
At any size, the “bottom” shape is always going to appeal to me in a way that is more feminine than any other shape. It is kind of selfish of me, because I know that not all women will have it. Candy has a ginormous belly and some people would assume that she does not fulfill the “bottom” type because she is not “pear shaped”. I have to point out that the one freaky thing about a “true pear shape” to me is that I can see and feel “all that ass” down there, but up top, the woman looks like a skinny chick… That is nearly as bad as the “top”, but I had to learn that feeling the hard way. That is another reason the “hour glass” is not always appealing, because she can have large breasts to match the hips, but still have a skinny upper half. I know… Weird… Candy has some soft, squishy, huge thighs for her height and proportion. She also has some massive arms too, which I have come to appreciate in and of itself in yet another way.
Sexual dimorphism leaves open the possibility that a woman’s shape is unique for a reason. Different males are going to be in tune to different parts of this phenomenon, and as I make the realization that I prefer the “bottom” shape, I also realize others will vary wildly, and in some cases, the body shape will be completely irrelevant with a specific personality exception… I believe we all may have a personality exception out there too… The one person that makes us forget what the fuck we thought we were into and reveals how we are also drawn to something else.
This phenomenon would also help to explain why I have some degree of discomfort when I am around transgender people. I am learning to recognize this for what it is, and still maintain a hope that I can be “transgender bias free” some day. The problem is, for a true sexual dimorphist, gender lines are not just “clear”, they are as obvious as the side of a barn, or the sight of Candy’s ginormous belly hanging down to her knees. Hints of masculinity cannot be hidden with a wig, make up, and a girdle. Masculinity shines brighter than all those things can dim. When I see it, quite frankly, it kind of grosses me out, like eating something that tastes sweet when it should taste salty.
I want to be “evolved” and “awakened” myself, and nobody wants to be a “bigot” or “intolerant”. In the case of gender assignment and sexual dimorphism though, there just isn’t room for compromise. You are one or the other, and the differences are meant to be beyond obvious. In my world, a woman has to not just be “feminine”, but apparently, “super feminine”. I am grateful that my realization of how common sexual dimorphism is in nature could help me to write about something that I am passionate about, and that I will come back to in the future.