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food porn

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I never realized how much fun I was having while taking photos of food, until I started to review all of the photos that I have created over just the past few years.

cheesy french fries with bacon

cheesy french fries with bacon

you know, the tragic irony is that i had all my teeth removed, because it was the only way to end the immense pain that i experienced on a regular basis.  now, maybe because i don’t possess the teeth to enjoy it all, based on my own decision, i am more obsessed with photographing food than ever.

chinese hot mustard and ssbbw

chinese hot mustard and ssbbw

The word “dynasty” has the word “nasty” in it, which is ironic, because I’m listening to ‘the prodigy’ “nasty“.

digital red number five

digital red

This is my tribute to the almighty powerful consumer food product consumer for something known as yellow number five.  Even though apples are red, someone, somewhere would probably add some yellow no. 5 just to “zazz it up” a little.

bbq ribs and roast

This was some really sexy meat, at an all you can eat casino buffet in Las Vegas.  I know that you can find a big buffet just about anywhere, but this city is packed full with so many cool places to eat.  There is such a diversity in the people who visit, and that diversity shows in the many types of foods that you can obtain.

Candy has had an opportunity to try out so many foods while living here that may not have been available where we lived before, Baton Rouge Louisiana.  There was quite a selection there too, but mostly the large franchised places that exist just about everywhere.  I am not quite sure if Candy could have found such variety so easily back there.  Russian, Italian, Filipino, Cantonese, Japanese, Korean, and of course Indian food.  All those excellent kinds of foods are easy to find here in Vegas, and Candy didn’t hesitate to try out just about everything she could find.  I think that the only type of food I have seen all over the place here that she hasn’t tried yet is the middle eastern stuff.  Indian food comes close, but it’s not quite like Mediterranean.

taco station at a casino buffet

taco station at a casino buffet

In the casino buffet where a few of these pics are from, they had an assortment of different national foods right there.  In the photo above, there is a taco station in the “Mexican” section, and then right next to that there was a section called “homestyle” or something, and I am guessing it was “southern food”.

southern or soul food section at a buffet

southern or soul food section at a buffet

There was even a section called “American” but I think that was mostly “southern” or “soul food” because of the greens and smoked sausage.  I know there was a section called “international” too, but I could not figure out exactly what that was supposed to be because everything was covered and served by someone behind the counter.

Filipino food cafeteria style

Filipino food cafeteria style

Living in Vegas means that there is a Filipino place in walking distance, right in the parking lot with a strip mall that also includes about 6 other restaurants and a supermarket.  In that one strip mall and enclosed parking lot there is a Jack In the Box, a Taco Bell (new), a China Star (Chinese buffet), and then there is the Filipino place, a Thai BBQ, and one small Chinese place in the strip mall itself.

Oh man, I’m forgetting about a small Mexican restaurant in between all of that!  We’ve never even tried the small Chinese or Mexican places that lie in the strip mall itself, but Candy has tried every restaurant in the parking lot except for the Taco Bell, only because it hasn’t even opened yet.  It will, and that will make the closest Taco Bell in walking distance too, which is ironic because I would be better off walking there to work off the added calories of eating there!

Filipino food cafeteria style

Filipino food really trips me out because there are whole fish in some dishes.  Yeah, head and all.  I’m sure that is similar to some Vietnamese dishes, which I think we have yet to try out so far.  Candy’s favorite dish from the Filipino place is Dinuguan, which i have tried and it just tastes like beef liver to me.  I do like liver though, but there is a very complex assortment of other flavors in the spices they use with it.

Now that I read up on it, I realize that they don’t have to use much liver if the base of the gravy is pork blood.  I guess that’s where the liver or mineral taste comes from.  It is Candy’s fav from the Filipino place around the corner, and every time I end up going there for her, dinuguan is going to be one of the two items in her “combo plate”.

my fav sushi

my fav, sushi

Since I mention one of Candy’s favorites, I am tempted to bring up one of my own, Sushi.  It’s ironic that the selection of delicious looking sushi above was for Candy, not me.  I would end up being happy to take a few photos and then grab my trusted tuna or egg salad.  I’m sure Candy may have slipped me at least one section of one roll, but I would not have taken much if any because this was more of a “prop” than my own personal snack.

tuna sushi roll with ginger and wasabi

tuna sushi roll with ginger and wasabi

I was about to try to figure out the names of everything, then I remembered that I took a photo with the covers on.  While the sushi isn’t as beautiful and delicious looking under the plastic lids, the title of these delicious rolls is written out on them, which is good for a reference later, like now.

sushi rolls with names

sushi rolls with names

The photo above showed just a part of quite a feast.  Those are Italian sandwiches on the left of the sushi, and both the trays of sushi are sitting on a large pizza in a box.  The salt and lemon slices is for the margarita that Candy was making to go along with all of this.  What an excellent feast.

Cantonese, Japanese, Korean food all together

Cantonese, Japanese, Korean food all together

Candy has had quite an opportunity to try so many different things, and at the same time, I am always ready with the camera to capture the look of this or that, even if it is the tenth time I am photographing the same food.

lovely spam musubi

lovely spam musubi

I have to admit that I don’t take photos of each and every food that gets delivered or cooked, but there are times when I am in a mood or the food looks so exquisite that I can’t resist grabbing a few pics.  Now, I am made aware of the term “food porn” and the fact that what I am creating seems kind of close to it.

I realize that I don’t create the same kinds of images that are created by the “food stylists’ who prep food for commercial images, but then again, I create realistic images of real food the way I get it or sometimes the way Candy makes it.

beautiful blt candy made

beautiful blt candy made

I recently made a decision that cost me all my teeth without suitable replacement until I endure some paperwork hassle and probably a lawsuit.  I am not regretting my decision to have all the teeth removed, because I would have probably had one or more dental abscesses by now if they were still around.  I do regret allowing a dentist to take an impression of my mouth while I still had teeth, which I knew was totally backwards.  I complained to her as she was struggling with doing it, and I got no response.  I made the mistake of blindly trusting a “medical professional”, which is something you should NEVER, EVER DO.

Maybe I have such a gripe about weight loss surgery because the few things I have asked medical professionals to do they have kind of fucked it up.  I mean, not having teeth from september of 2014 until now (may 2015) isn’t even such a big deal to me.  I don’t really care about the cosmetic aspect, but the functional eating thing does get on my nerves a little here and there.

For all I know, creating food porn has been a way that I am able to appreciate and enjoy food since I can’t eat it in the typical manner without any teeth.  I can use a heavy duty fork to crush things up and then swish the mashed up food in my mouth to enjoy the full taste, but that isn’t the same as real eating.  I feel like I’m feeding a pet reptile, and that reptile is me.

sexy, delicious, guacamole

sexy, delicious, guacamole

I guess food porn does have a usefulness, because I am able to express myself creatively in the way I perceive food, and at the same time enjoy the food itself on a level that is not possible even with teeth.  I guess I really love the food pics, because taking them can be a creative process in itself, and then seeing them later provides a pleasant memory of foods I have seen no matter if I ate that specific piece of food or not.

I have eaten plenty of sushi back when I had teeth, so now, every piece of sushi that I photograph becomes a part of a collective that I seem to trick myself into thinking I ate.  Therefore, the food porn has allowed me to “virtually eat” some foods that I don’t crave as badly now that I can’t eat them in the way I traditionally would have with teeth.

ahi tuna from outback steakhouse

ahi tuna from outback steakhouse

Not having teeth has been really educational, and now I am just left with the sense of being ripped off.  I worked hard to make sure I would end up qualifying for medicaid legitimately.  The very first big process I wanted to make sure was done was getting all those rotten and half teeth out of my mouth.  I didn’t care so much about having new, perfect, fake teeth, but it would have been nice to be able to use the pair that I did get.

Now I can’t get a replacement for five years unless I pay for them, while I see the dentures I can’t use sitting on top of the fridge every time I go into it.  i guess I left them there to punish myself, and remind myself every day I don’t do something about this that I should.  I adapt so well to new situations though, that not having teeth was something I really don’t notice sometimes.  There are times recently I caught myself about to click my front teeth together like I used to, and they are not even there.

garlic mashed potatoes from outback steakhouse

garlic mashed potatoes from outback steakhouse

I would have to go back to see if my food porn content creation has intensified after having the teeth removed.  It may not have, and even if it did, I’m not sure if that proves anything, but I feel that the food porn has been a helpful part in my adaptation to this new situation.

mashed potatoes and gravy from popeye's fried chicken

mashed potatoes and gravy from popeye’s fried chicken

People use different kinds of “art therapy” and now I begin to feel that food porn is one of mine.  I know I still have issues.  The alcoholism is not really under full control, but I have adapted to a “hard limit” that I have been able to reinforce internally.  That is pretty good, but just one of the initial steps to my control over alcoholism without total abstinence.

little caesars bacon wrapped pizza

little caesars bacon wrapped pizza

Alleged “food addicts” can’t abstain from food, so what does that tell you about every abstinence therapy involved in addiction today?  I don’t think anybody has a clue about how to “fix” addiction, and in a consumer based, capitalist society, I don’t think it’s in anyone’s best interest to do so.

cheese covered chili dog

cheese covered chili dog

I have brought up super consumers over at the blog obesicorp, and I have this running gimmick going on over there about a consulting firm that helps companies make more profit by adjusting their business model to cater to the super consumer.  i wonder sometimes about how my metaphor might be closer to the truth than I realized while creating it.

coconut draining

coconut draining

There was a time when I would rant and rave about an “obesity conspiracy” that would involve fattening people up, then selling them crap that doesn’t work to allegedly shrink them back down.  If the crap that they sold to shrink people back down didn’t work on some individuals, offer one of a variety of surgical options, none of them actually proven to work every time either, sometimes actually killing the person.

salt and pepper wings

salt and pepper wings

That’s when I came up with “shrink’em or kill’em” theory.  Of course, that’s just a tiny part of the entire obesity conspiracy theory, but it’s one of the darkest and most “morbid” parts, because it involves death, and the irony of killing one’s self in order to save one’s life.  Or, I could put it as “risking your life to save it.”

house chicken with lo mein and fried rice

house chicken with lo mein and fried rice

Every doctor that Candy has seen has suggested surgery, and another irony is that she got sick after seeing so many doctors for things that they could not find.  Candy went a few years without seeing a single doctor, and she never got really sick, just has breathing issues.  She starts going to doctors and different places for tests, and she ends up getting a little cold that kicked her ass because her regular breathing issues got worse.  So, seeing a doctor actually made Candy sick.

dumplings delivered without sauce

dumplings delivered without sauce

She’s getting better, but being sick helped her to lose more weight than she has in years.  So, it makes sense to me that there are so many surgeries for weight loss because making someone “sick” actually helps them to lose weight.

beef ravioli from a can

beef ravioli from a can

Ok, now as I come back to add a few more recent photos, I realize how far off track I got when I started this post as “food porn”.  It has taken me days to come back to finish this out of “drafts” and I think I am going to finally let it out!

beautiful fish egg or Tobiko sushi in a rainbow of colors

beautiful fish egg or Tobiko sushi in a rainbow of colors

 

 

 

 

fat admirer or sexual dimorphism

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One can’t control when inspiration hits, but one can attempt to use the time given to let it occur.

I have a problem with the term “fat admirer”.  Ever since coming across the natural phenomenon known as sexual dimorphism, I have become fascinated with the ways in which my sexual attraction is inter-woven with principles held dear by many species of animal, insect, and even plant.

Sexual dimorphism may be the one thing that helps me to feel as if my strong and very real attraction for the “super feminine” form of a super morbidly obese female is connected to nature itself, and several different species that share this planet with me, down to being just a few letters and numbers off from a DNA match to us.

The many terms that have been adopted by a seemingly “growing size acceptance movement” have neglected to take reality, nature, or the seriousness of this “mind war” they are involuntarily part of into consideration.  I deleted a lot of past stuff because I came down hard on any entity that sold itself under a banner of “size acceptance” as they did nothing more than work as “event organizers” without addressing what is actually going on in the real world around them.  In my opinion, there is no “true” size acceptance movement at all.  The only desired direction for one’s “size” is “down”, and size acceptance is now looked down upon as enabling and false validation.

Maybe I have a much deeper perspective on size acceptance and my own preference after my attempt to seriously change it.  I wanted to modify my sexual preference as if I was attracted to “forbidden fruit” that you see on television and I was under penalty of fine or persecution if I didn’t change it.  The truth is, I probably wanted to open up my probability of finding a compatible personality by eliminating the need for a woman to be super morbidly obese.  After all, there aren’t many of them out there, and the ones that exist are always going to be trying to change that aspect of themselves.  It is truly a no win situation in so many ways.

A logical part of me wanted to eliminate this preference within me so severely that I tried to watch “plumper” porn instead of “ssbbw” porn.  Instead of insisting on finding the largest examples of hardcore women in action, I would see how I could react positively to smaller and smaller women.  I could not begin to imagine giving up “fat” in general, but I could adapt, evolve, and take full advantage of society’s brand new determination to “wipe out obesity in a generation”.  I just had to see if I could get it up for smaller women. 🙂

Of course, that entire experiment failed miserably, with disastrous consequences for the smaller woman I had to hurt when I told her that Candy was coming back yet again.  I still think it’s kind of unusual that a woman who wanted to get close to me was not as large as I was used to, but of course she still had DDD breasts and really large arms for her size.  She played hard to get, and I was only halfway trying to fuck her to begin with, so it worked out exactly how it should not have, with me pounding on this barely 200lbs woman, getting off on the largest parts of her that existed, and trying to ignore the smaller parts that would actually turn me off.

I was not only attempting to change my preference in terms of “size”, but also “shape”.  I seem to have a fixation on “big thighs”.  When I say “big thighs”, all women believe they have huge thighs.  There is no way to simply ask a woman if she thinks she has “big thighs”.  There is no way to hint around, except to point out before you have seen her body that you have always had a thing for a big butt and average breasts…

Of course, that is completely idiotic, so if you happen to get some plus sized woman hitting you up on a dating site, and she absolutely refuses to produce a full body image, you just have to give up some time and go for coffee…. Yeah… Coffee… Fuck the whole full service date thing just to find out if a woman has those full, large, big thighs that are impossible to describe but you know them when you see them.  So much fixation on a body part is simply unhealthy to begin with, so what a happy coincidence if a woman with massive breasts and small thighs seems to pop up to help me with my little “problem”…

I just went along.  Like so much of my life, I took advantage of opportunities that fate provided to pull myself out of one of the worst depressions I have ever experienced.  This one really aggressive, “psycho” type kept hitting me up, and she asked me to meet her out in a park in the daylight and safety of “public place”.  Fuck yeah, why not?  Of course she warned me that she didn’t want me groping her out of the gate, so I should keep my distance.  When I saw her in person, it was not as difficult as you might imagine.

The “top” shape is unique in and of itself, and a lot of women who are not really “fat” would still think of themselves as fat because they have the “top” shape.  While some would assume this is the most advantaged shape, it does not hold the magical appeal to me that it would for some.  Those skinny thighs and narrow hips, with just the tiniest bump of a fat little belly makes the bottom half of this body type look masculine to me.  I can’t explain it, or I couldn’t explain it, until I discovered, you guessed it, SEXUAL DIMORPHISM.

Those large breasts are nice to look at, and fun to play with, but the second I look down, or even see that lack of body presence in my peripheral vision, it’s all over with.  I really don’t know how large breasts would have to be in order to help me resolve my revulsion to skinny thighs…  It might seem “shallow” to some women, but they need to check themselves because they are on those dating sites asking for “all natural teeth”, and “over six feet tall”, and “under 40” when they are 50+, and of course, no fat short bald guys with a tiny penis please.  Maybe some will ask for a minimum credit score.  Some need long hair, short hair, clean cut, biker type, military type, cop type..  Before any female of my species begins to express the slightest bit of resentment over a male’s physical preferences, they seriously need to ask themselves what level of hypocrisy they are working with when they use phrases like “looks don’t matter”.

So, if thighs are my thing, why the fuck not?  I just can’t “say anything” about it.  Yeah, the last time I managed to talk a massive super morbidly obese woman out of her phone number, and then get an actual meeting, I went on and on the whole time about how I thought she was beautiful, and I really appreciate her body shape “no matter what everybody including herself thinks”…  I really think I was self destructing on that date after she said she went to church regularly and she felt that god talked to her.  Like directly to her.  Yeah, she was probably a cat lady and a hoarder to boot.  I scared her off, not on purpose, but she never gave me a chance to really get to know her once I shut the hell up for once.  A part of me knows very well how NOT to scare a super sized woman like that, but she probably crossed the line with the church thing.  Yeah, I don’t do very well with formal religion.

That is another big big irony about this aggressive woman that came to me with the big breasts and tiny thighs.  She was a serious christian, church on sunday and everything.  How I managed to ever get inside of her without ever going inside of her church confounds me to this day.   It was one thing for her to play “touch me not” on the first date, but the first night she slept beside me at my apartment after we fell asleep without having sex was getting kind of weird.  Maybe it’s because I’m over 40, maybe it’s because I wasn’t over Candy, but she could lie there next to me, tell me not to touch her, and I would just say “ok”.  That went on a few times, but one morning, probably on the third time she did it, I just grabbed her and “did it”.  She never said no, but she had never said “yes” either.  I believe that was what she needed at the time, and it was… Incredible… As much as a part of me had to get over those skinny thighs, the breasts, at just the right angle, still did the trick…  I also had to look “at the bright side”, because without an ass, there is no ass to get in the way in certain positions.  A super fat woman is not quite as “vulnerable” to “sneak attack” when she has a massive ass, the way I usually go for…  A “top heavy” woman with those tiny thighs and bony ass has this serious vulnerability in the way that her “fupa” or front upper pussy area actually seems to poke out a little between the thighs when this body type just brings the legs forward…

I guess one could assess from my striking and graphic descriptions that I have a “thing” about not just “fat” on the whole, but a specific body type, or “group” of body types.  I have probably used the phrase “top, bottom, neither, or both” a few times by now, but then I deleted them.  Using those four groups are probably not quite as flattering as using fruit to compare to body type, but I think all that shit is dumb.  Top, bottom, neither, or both kind of sums it up…  I thought finding a “both” type, or “genuine hourglass” would be awesome, but too many of them are seriously fucked in the head in one way or another.  Sad to say it, but hey, I only have two decades of experience with women and dating.  The last hourglass or “both” body type I encountered was “separated” while living with her husband and kid.  She would use my internet to set up future dates with other guys after she got me off.  She was like a prostitute without the cash transaction, but when I started filming her, there actually was cash exchanged.

My favorite body type would be the “bottom” type.  There is such a wide variety of bottom heavy types, and I don’t have any numerical criteria when evaluating it.  I “know it when I see it”.  When a woman would ask me “how big is enough?”, I could only provide the same response.  When asked “how big is too big?”, I didn’t learn until I met her…  Now I live in fear that if Candy doesn’t get some self control she will become “her”.

One can imagine why I am so determined to separate “sexual dimorphism” from “fat admirer”.  Fat admirer leaves too much up to chance.  Too many missing variables.  Too ambiguous.  What I “am” is not an admirer of “fat”.  I have a double standard with fat guys and fat women.  I believe males were meant to be lean and agile, and women were meant to be softer and “rounder”.  This is not misogynistic in terms of gender roles, it is a way that my mind interprets the world I am existing in.  I do not choose to grant roles to gender, but my sexuality has demands that I do not feel are entirely irrational or unrealistic.  Fat exists, and as long as it does, in such a plentiful abundance, why deny myself the opportunity to “be picky”?

I exist in a mindlessly driven super consumer based society.  It confuses me that our society would come down on super morbid obesity, because they are, after all, “super consumers”.

When one says “fat admirer”, or “chubby chaser”, it is a disservice to the seriousness of this condition.  Fat admirer could mean such a wide variety of things, and it is not nearly specific enough to separate me from sexual opportunists, or feeders.  I might have granted myself with sexual opportunity, but it took work, self discipline, and mutual respect between the hunter and the hunted.

I like the term “sexual dimorphist” because it explains both the degree of specification and intensity that my preference has taken.  I don’t want to feed someone to the “right size”.  I don’t want to use someone who is so big “nobody else wants to deal with them”.  I entertain the possibility that I have worked as hard as I have and tolerated as much bullshit as I have because “my type” just happened to look the way she had to look to capture my heart “forever”.

Looks will change, but give me about a decade to emotionally attach to the degree where the body is no longer relevant… Please… 🙂

At any size, the “bottom” shape is always going to appeal to me in a way that is more feminine than any other shape.  It is kind of selfish of me, because I know that not all women will have it.  Candy has a ginormous belly and some people would assume that she does not fulfill the “bottom” type because she is not “pear shaped”.  I have to point out that the one freaky thing about a “true pear shape” to me is that I can see and feel “all that ass” down there, but up top, the woman looks like a skinny chick… That is nearly as bad as the “top”, but I had to learn that feeling the hard way.  That is another reason the “hour glass” is not always appealing, because she can have large breasts to match the hips, but still have a skinny upper half.  I know… Weird…  Candy has some soft, squishy, huge thighs for her height and proportion.  She also has some massive arms too, which I have come to appreciate in and of itself in yet another way.

Sexual dimorphism leaves open the possibility that a woman’s shape is unique for a reason.  Different males are going to be in tune to different parts of this phenomenon, and as I make the realization that I prefer the “bottom” shape, I also realize others will vary wildly, and in some cases, the body shape will be completely irrelevant with a specific personality exception… I believe we all may have a personality exception out there too… The one person that makes us forget what the fuck we thought we were into and reveals how we are also drawn to something else.

This phenomenon would also help to explain why I have some degree of discomfort when I am around transgender people.  I am learning to recognize this for what it is, and still maintain a hope that I can be “transgender bias free” some day.  The problem is, for a true sexual dimorphist, gender lines are not just “clear”, they are as obvious as the side of a barn, or the sight of Candy’s ginormous belly hanging down to her knees.  Hints of masculinity cannot be hidden with a wig, make up, and a girdle.  Masculinity shines brighter than all those things can dim.  When I see it, quite frankly, it kind of grosses me out, like eating something that tastes sweet when it should taste salty.

I want to be “evolved” and “awakened” myself, and nobody wants to be a “bigot” or “intolerant”.  In the case of gender assignment and sexual dimorphism though, there just isn’t room for compromise.  You are one or the other, and the differences are meant to be beyond obvious.  In my world, a woman has to not just be “feminine”, but apparently, “super feminine”.  I am grateful that my realization of how common sexual dimorphism is in nature could help me to write about something that I am passionate about, and that I will come back to in the future.

forced addiction transfer or FAT

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It has been quite a while…  Even now, I want to do something else, so maybe for once, I can keep it short and sweet…

I have been drifting off into never land with all my wild thoughts and potentially irrational assumptions for a long time.  I have decided that I may have to return to this activity, even if a part of me wonders what it is all about after I have created hundreds of posts that are tens of thousands of words long, and then delete all of it and start over again…

A part of ‘this place’ is going to be about ‘me’, and another part of it is going to be some serious shit that I seem to come up with involuntarily and almost compulsively bombard Candy with to the point where she literally has a head ache…  I need to put it here, and stop giving Candy migraines…  And, stop bugging people on the face book… 🙂

I have had a ‘bug up my ass’ for a very long time about the ‘weight loss surgery’.  I have read extensively, comprehended partially, and asserted my opinions rather randomly, for a long, long time now…  None of it seemed to really make much sense probably, and I was too lazy to even go back and re read any of it myself.  I am sure I would find some of it brilliant, some of it stupid, and some of it just drunk rambling nonsense…  None of that matters now, because it is gone… All of it… Maybe a part of me thought it was such shit that I had to start over.  I believe a prior post addressed the possibility that I created it all just to delete it years later and confuse the fuck out of anyone who even noticed any of it was going on at all…

I have googled the term “forced addiction transfer”, and I welcome you to do the same.  It is ironic, at least to me, that as I google this term, I am ‘obesity biased’ because of my prior experience and rather confusing sexual fixation on super morbidly obese human females.  It should have come as no surprise that as I attempt some feeble research on the seemingly random string of words, I find several references to weight loss surgery.

I thought for a second I might be re-inventing the wheel, and I would have found some result, somewhere in that very first page, where those words were strung together, and google would even provide a convenient bold type on those words and a short paragraph before and after them.  As it turns out, that wasn’t the case.  Maybe if I dug just a little deeper before bragging about my discovery on face book, I could have found other connections to this phenomenon that have been very well documented and carefully considered in some random ‘fat blog’ somewhere on the internets…

I saw ‘junk food science’ come up, of course, a professionally written, beautiful in all of it’s effort and eloquent in the writer’s style and thorough investigation.  Of course that writer would dive into this topic, because they are such a logical match of psychological phenomenon.  My own issues with self discipline, self control, addiction, and compulsive behavior would help me to understand more about what the words “addiction transfer” actually mean, from a very real perspective of experience and pain.

I may have written about and deleted previously issues that I developed when I became worried about the legal liability of using one drug and subsequently switched over to a more legally acceptable one.  This would have pleased ‘society’, but unfortunately, the woman that I consciously or sub-consciously choose to love would not be able to handle this change on a deep emotional level.  Her prior experience with users of this legally accepted alternative caused her great emotional distress, up to and maybe beyond what one would call “PTSD”.   What was worse than her having this condition was her own lack of understanding of it.  If she could not get to the bottom of what was making her such a bitch, all I could do was evolve, adapt, and attempt to compromise.

There could be no compromise between two people who both refused to give up their ‘drug of choice’ just because it was emotionally inconvenient for both of them…  This caused much greater pain and tragedy for both parties, and I acted out in ways that I have not experienced for over a decade when I felt someone ripped me off and stole my money, my credit, and my very “artwork” for a year’s time.  Of course, later I would realize that all of that mess was my own fault because of my bad decisions and young dumb judgement…  I paid, I learned, I matured, I moved on.

One day while watching Dr. Phil of all people (it’s almost painful to even type it), I saw him say that you can’t break a bad habit, you can only replace it with a constructive activity.  The way I interpreted that was, the ability to switch over from one bad compulsion to another bad compulsion is “addiction transfer”.  Switching over from one negative compulsion to a “good” one is thought to be “breaking a bad habit”.  It is painfully, blatantly obvious that in order to really solve all those issues entirely would be to figure out exactly what about the human mind causes some people to be more compulsive than others, and then, how do we specifically address compulsive behavior and “addiction” without being clouded by greed and a desire to mold the media’s message in a way that we create a “rehab society”.  Rehab from sex addiction, rehab from drugs, rehab from behaving badly.

It troubles me to know, deep down, that this rehab society has turned to the “dark side” where obesity and the compulsion of over eating is involved.  I realize that there is so much more money to be made so much faster by cutting someone open rather than digging into their mind.  It is also painfully obvious to me that the total lack of interest in digging into the ‘obese mind’ is due to the fast cash to be made by desperate people who are willing to have perfectly healthy organs cut out and altered in order to control behavior.

In my personal experience, as I sit and type this, I am stopping myself from wasting time entirely by playing a long, complex, and involved video game.  When I decide to sit in that game, I am stopping myself from bombarding some useless and pointless face book page with random thoughts.  When I am particularly distressed, this behavior can even begin to creep onto others with emails and little posts on this or that “thread” of conversation that I am not really invited to join.  In doing all of that, I would also inadvertently be avoiding the thought of drinking alcohol, because I seem to really enjoy getting intoxicated on alcohol just past the point where my partner is comfortable.  The ‘compulsive’ aspect of my behavior is simply that I won’t restrict myself from it’s use entirely, but when I do allow myself to have it, I know there is a certain point within a certain level of intoxication where I will want to consume more than I set out to before I started drinking to begin with.

Candy would argue this makes me “alcoholic”, and I could agree that this is a problem.  At this same time, I am not physically dependent on alcohol because of several reasons.  It is not my “drug of choice” to begin with.  It is a drug that I turned to in an effort to use “addiction transfer” in a positive way to reduce the legal liability of using my real drug of choice, which is a plant, which is a true tragedy in and of itself considering that it is not physically addictive.  I do not have a “craving” for alcohol when I do not have it in my possession, but when I do get it, I tend to get enough so that I will have two “doses”.  The internal test once I have it is if I can stop myself when under it’s influence from digging into that second day’s worth, eliminating the second day’s total potential effect, and therefore, taking the second potential day of it’s use away from myself in the process of violating a rule I made for myself while sober.

I realize that this is very similar to the way that Candy gets chinese take out.  She would typically buy enough to have two day’s worth.  The problem is, she would actually consider having two huge servings on the first day, and maybe just a little left over for a second day.  Candy can’t get the same “rush” on a subsequent day because she will always consume more than half on the first day.  While she makes the accusatory assumption that I am just “an alcoholic”, she is engaging in the very same behavior, and over time, this behavior would contribute to her potential immobility, and shortened mortality.

When considering “addiction transfer”, and my own ability to guide my compulsive behaviors into activities that could be more constructive, positive, and beneficial for my own future, I have to consider that my addiction transfer “technique” is voluntary.  When I consider just how many things I have turned to in order to satisfy some compulsive behavior to do something “too much”, I realize that there is no one substance or activity that could “be enough” to ever really solve the appetite of the compulsive mind.  The simple realization of this helps me to guide that energy towards areas of my life that need improvement, and obviously self discovery.

In a way, I realize that my recent use of the phrase “automatic addiction transfer” seemed to switch on a light, and give me ideas about how “rehab tech” has remained the same forever without having to evolve for the changing marketplace of “brand new addictions” coming along left and right.  Abstinence is the only conclusion by a rehab society in a phase of our history where obesity is the new “moral panic” for whatever reason, and the media creates more and more obesity hysteria as they cash in on advertising products meant to “help”.  All the while they ignore one inconvenient pathological factor to obesity, ad 36. The “fat virus” that you never hear about on the news as you hear people rant about obesity on a daily or weekly basis.  That is another post entirely, but it kind of fits in, as I am already tempted to wrap this up, but realize it is way too in depth to cover “right now”.

I am lucky that I was able to fight any form of compulsive eating behavior from an early age.  I was “chubby” when I was a kid, but I started working from the month that I turned old enough to work, and that amount of activity and a few small changes helped me to reach what would be considered an “average” weight.  There were several motivating factors for this, the very first would be “girls”.  Because I realized at an early age I was attracted to women who are “larger” to say the least, I felt that I should make myself as physically appealing as possible in order to increase my probability of successfully meeting and of course fucking some really big fat chicks in my life.

Until I reached a certain emotional plateau, I didn’t realize that my super fat sexual conquests were actually compulsive behavior as well.  Even through three marriages, I never met someone that I could really place a deep emotional attachment on until I was in my 30’s.  Once that emotional attachment took place, I could voluntarily become monogamous even though I had the option to remain in an “open relationship” like some old creepy “swingers”.

I just didn’t want it anymore.  I didn’t enjoy searching for, flirting with, seducing, fucking, and filming other women anymore.  Once there was a real emotional connection to someone I had never felt, everything changed.  I would still be afflicted with other compulsive behaviors, but screwing any big giant fat woman who let me would no longer be one of them.  I believe that was a form of “automatic addiction transfer”, because I went from one compulsion to fuck all kinds of fat women and film it all to put on my website, to a much darker, much more difficult, and much more emotionally tedious and impossible task of really pleasing just one woman.

When I came up with the idea of “Forced Addiction Transfer”, or FAT, it was out of frustration and the great sense of pain I feel when I realize that people who modify their otherwise healthy, working, cancer free internal organs in order to change just one compulsive behavior are being used as test subjects in order to embrace forced addiction transfer as a viable way of extracting money from obese people.  Notice I did not say “as a viable way of curing obesity”, because the cure for all obesity is in the head, not in the gut.  People who dig in our heads are very expensive though, and they take a long, long time.  Bariatric surgery is so much cheaper in the long run, yet it obviously has greater profit potential up front.  Surgery is to make money, not to cure obesity.

Surgery creates what I believe is an inhumane psychological condition of forced addition transfer, or FAT.  This is why it is so well documented that many post surgicals become alcoholics, or drug users.  Without addressing the underlying causes of compulsive behavior, it appears to me, an uneducated “sexual dimorphist”, that initiating forced addiction transfer through any surgery that restricts natural ability to “eat” is simply piling on.  This creates an even more intense need to fulfill the compulsive behavior through another avenue.  The choice will probably be made early, in the first few weeks of adapting to having a compulsive behavior that cannot be fulfilled without greater pain, misery, suffering, complications, and maybe even death.

This is why in my opinion, any surgery to address compulsive behavior is going to have horrible long term effects.  These effects will not simply be felt by the ones who have had the surgery alone.  The singular decision to have surgery will effect everyone connected to the individual, because all acquaintances will be forced to adapt along with the individual to this cruel experimental rehab technique.  We live in a rehab society that survives through it’s consistent message of abstinence.  By selling people surgery as a “cure”, we are telling them that they are beyond all hope of psychological help in addressing their underlying compulsive behaviors.  Because they are both the perpetrator and the victim, they must be punished, even if it means executing the cruelest possible punishment on one’s self.

If the entire rehab model works on abstinence, it is particularly cruel from my perspective to encourage people to become “surgical anorexics”.  While I watch media, I pay particular attention to those who attempt to discourage anorexia with a straight face.  If we live in an abstinence based rehab model society, then we must encourage the super morbidly obese to become anorexic to “fix them”, even if it means forcing them to become anorexic through surgery.  I don’t know about “most people”, but I think all of this is sick.  I have to hope that my own obesity bias doesn’t contribute to a feeling that I was more right than I ever wanted to be when I saw this strategy as “shrink’em or kill’em”.

I have been typing the words “obesity conspiracy” a few times on face book here and there as well.  While that is a topic that could not possibly be covered in just one post, I would like to associate this one issue with that larger “system”.  While it is easy to dismiss anyone who hypothesizes the existence of any alleged conspiracy as a complete nut bag, there is so much data to suggest that “something is going on behind the scenes”, that it is almost impossible to ignore.  It goes a lot deeper than medical device manufacturers that made a whole lot of quick cash and now want to sell the obesity division because the profits are down after this “low mortality rate” surgery started killing people one after another in Los Angeles a few years back.  I’m sure they would not mind dumping the division before all the class action suits come in as well.  After a few more years passes, they will.

Forced Addiction Transfer theory is very real, and it started from the minute some surgeon figured out that he could cut out some guts, make some cash, and the “patient” or “test subject” would lose weight.  For as long as this type of human vivisection has existed, studies to figure out what happens up to five years after having surgery were only just recently released.  The results were not quite as “cure” as the medical community wanted, and that is why you have seen the effort to sell surgery toned down considerably.  It still exists, but now it is limited to those who can “pay up front” and those who are not paying at all.  The ones who are not paying at all have much higher rates of complications and death, because this is just the excuse a doctor needs to eliminate one more social security recipient.  Sad, crazy sounding, and hopefully for all of us, Not true at all…

 

 

 

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