obesiverse.com

time.

the second you think your controlling it,

it’s controlling you.

So much time, effort, mental energy, and free content has been created and delivered into the hands of FB.  It started as just “taking notes”, but sadly, there never seemed to be the equal desire to go back and catch up with “actual writing”.  I have wasted so much time.  So very much, precious time.  One of the severe disadvantages of having been under the influence of a continual stubborn position on the use of a substance has caused a temporary degree of severe narrow mindedness.  While I am attempting to overcome it with the open acceptance of simple concepts such as gay marriage, and other similarly controversial issues, I notice subtle twinges that are set off by nearly specific triggers.  It’s not so simple as “figuring out” what kinds of things are going on in the sub conscious.  After all, we are not meant to see or know specific details encoded in the many pathways and synapses that somehow translate biologically into human thought.  Or…  We aren’t meant to YET.

Time…  Try to stay on the subject at hand.  Try to channel all of the thought behind the thought that caused you to finally, after all of this time, log into your freaking “blog”.  It’s hard, because the thoughts race, and the writing starts.  Without even noticing it, an hour might pass, an urge to urinate subdued, just for the sake of keeping a continuous thought.  Time tries to rob one of the simple thoughts because it overwhelms the consciousness with complex, nearly constant thoughts.  Or.  That’s just me.  And.  That’s what happens when you start to understand and perceive time in a different way, without being under the influence of anything at all, except of course for what your brain is able to synthesize and distribute all by itself…

So many new concepts, new ideas, born of controversy or natural clash between political correctness and old school Judeo-Christian morality.  It was going to happen, in time.  The ability to predict such a thing would be born in the scant efforts to self educate before “the internets”, and then later when I had access to tools like google and wiki.  Such a waste to use google as a predictive spell check, or wiki as a reference for the first few sentences.  In time, all of this information and all of this education, not even certified and approved for the use of the general public, would come close to the potential of an individual given the opportunity to study any one subject so deeply, without interference from all of that allegedly good “social interaction”.

What might happen when/if we enter a truly digital society where there is no further need for government to pay all of that overhead for public education, and pay all of that money to a few people who have the power to alter the course of time for any individual within the system at any time upon their discretion.  What an amazing concept, “home schooling”.  Had I been given the opportunity to spend the hours sitting at home really LEARNING instead of worrying from hour to hour what this or that social interaction is going to entail…  Am I going to have to attempt to choke someone who tries to be a “bully” and get in trouble for putting on a show of power, or am I going to try to seduce a girl who I hopefully won’t knock up and determine certain aspects of my own destiny in a big important 30 second event…

Would I have used simple tools like google, wiki, and online testing mechanisms that are available for a nominal fee to test my way out of high school at 14?  At 12?  Why not?  Status Quo.  Time.

Whenever I see “injustice” or “intolerance”, I need only ask myself “why?”.  Then, I imagine “time”.  In any situation, from any political position, at any point on the timeline, there is an undeniable alteration in the path of time as it continues down the line.  The reason people debate things on such a small scale is usually so that they can begin to keep track of the little things that have to be done in preparation for the bigger things that have to be done “eventually” and “inevitably”.  Time is the judge.  Maybe the quote from the bible about let no man judge is invariably true, because in the end, time is always the judge, even if it takes multiple generations to right a serious and perceived wrong.

I have a big long list of things I see as “wrong”, and in putting so much focus on that, I nearly put myself into some kind of fucked up depression deal, trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do about things that were years into the future.  I steadily lost control of the little things that were happening day to day, one thing at a time, until the whole big picture looked inevitable in the direction of me finally hitting rock fucking bottom.  Something didn’t let me do it.  My perception of “time” won out yet again.  No matter what happened, how close I came to “homelessness”, or at least losing the hosting and having all the domains vanish, including THIS ONE, I always maintained the constant thought of how simple it would be to make just a few small changes, and literally pull my own ass out of my own fucking way…

Now, I am still using this “facebook” lol  FB, which I will use because it will be the stock symbol.  This guy is a fucking genius… When I saw a recent article about a nice wedding I was like “oh, IPO, wedding, I think I almost nearly begin to kind of see it”…  I have no fucking clue, of course, from my being in the “phantom zone” compared to that guy…  I digress, or maybe not…  With just a few simple news stories, without even seriously reading them but being told across the room as a very sexy woman reads it to me, I start to see a potential timeline appear.  Albeit, the timeline is going to be skewed with my “mental equalizer” of various adjustable moral and ethic standards and perceptions…

I don’t come out with one definite, but a fantasy conclusion that I somehow “relate” to.  Candy’s talk about the size acceptance, um…  “fat acceptance” community is what I give credit to the phantom zone for by the way…  I mean, I was a dick…  I think I cried about all that in another entry, but for now, I am using the zone as a strange comparison to just how far and outside of the realm of possibility even I believe that any fantasy or idea of what’s going on could be remotely true….  All I will say about it is, when my timeline hits a certain point, the song “take the money and run” plays, and that guy is slipping on the hoodie and getting the fuck out of there… lol  the biggest “rock and roll swindle” about it is, it’s all going to be totally legal, as approved by probably an entire floor of a building worth of lawyers…. great job!  we love you M.Z.  We love money!

Ok, ok, calm down… remember… i tried to remind you… the subject…

but… it’s too much, it’s too vast… i don’t have time to be writing this, except that i’m giving the woman a rest from my awful tendency to ramble on about these theories…  anyway…  Time… If you look at a few variables, and get a few new pieces of info, it’s pretty easy to surmise what’s going on.  More importantly, I must explain that there has been a radical shift in my perception of time, and most importantly, money, capitalism, morality, religion, government, and existence in the particular bizarre reality that I was somehow given, working with what I’ve got, and making it happen for the big data controller that is receiving all of this “stuff”, second by second, every day, every year, every decade, every century, every millennium since we were “made”…

Wow…  Now I sound like Kevin Trudeau… lol

I thought I would give “fair warning” and inform anyone who even bothers to keep up with this writing that I am going to think very deeply about exactly how to make the most money over the shortest period of time, with minimal negativity and hopefully, a benefit for anyone else connected some how in some way that is equal to any benefit that I receive.  I guess it’s “ruthless capitalism with a heart”.  I really don’t know… I’m “conservative” on some shit and then “liberal” on other shit, there is no way of knowing what the fuck is going on with any of the douchebags that you have a “choice” from, and the group that has been trying to take away certain rights of mine for my entire life is now locked in a POLITICAL struggle with the last group I ever expected to come out smelling like a rose, making the other group look like bigoted, back country, age old, dated freaks… Which is, to be fair you guys,  um…. a 2000 year old book and you want to tell me what I can and can’t see and do, in my bedroom, and I’m not even in your little club…

I think a lot of people would lay off of religion if they would leave people the fuck alone and let them do things they want, with the obvious fucking compromise in the serious stuff, like the big ten for example… geez how much tax money is there to save from reverting all laws to go back to the big ten and “start over”.  It’s obviously impossible to REALLY separate “church and state”.

Saying all of this, going where one might say is “off topic”, I have to realize… I start picking on religion, even from the “victim” standpoint, and immediately, I’m painted as a Godless heathen with no morals or ethics… This is not true.  I do believe in a God.  Just not yours.  My God is a force.  It’s related to what we refer to as “balance” but it is much, much more than that.  One element within the textile of aspects in this very very complex subject is time.  Time is the ultimate judge.  Time will expose everything, through it’s inevitability, our lack of control over it, and the mere power it exudes upon each of us every single second of every hour of every day ect…

Time will be referred to in the future, I’m assuming, as part of a greater force, that will be assumed to have an effect, or a “consequence”, which is seen short and long term, but more short than long, of course.  To go too far in the future will cause disappointment and frustration.  The larger goal, the big “thing” that one wants is right in front of them, the one who makes the wish only needs to ask, and be put onto “the path”.  Just because I don’t believe in one particular faith, doesn’t mean I can’t steal from it like a motherfucker…  Especially when it should be “common sense”, that I sometimes seem have to difficulty with, despite the major effort I have made to consciously change that.

Time.  The judge, the jury, the executioner.  Time.  Part of what you think you know of as “God”.  Even as I write, I know that I have no idea, no way of knowing even the slightest thing about an entity that exists in multiple dimensions, carrying out multiple operations simultaneously in all of them, along with the potential of nearly infinite alternate versions of just this one reality, and as many versions in existence as there are “observers“.

With all of that out of the way, one can understand why I would eventually come to a point that I would like to make, about “contradiction“.  As I spent so much time working on “research” to point out, repeatedly, boringly, sometimes horribly or under the spell of some intoxicant or another, one injustice or another, I was missing “the point”.  I am in a capitalist system, already operating fully under the rules of the current social construct.  My main goal, over “time”, is to acquire the means to exist beyond the point where my physicality can maintain my standard of living, and/or give me at least the serious cushion to figure out the next thing to support myself as time changes everything, including me.  In this system, where money can’t buy happiness but you need it to prevent living in an institution or on the street, there is really no choice but to worship “money”.  Even if you believe in a “higher power”, you are still an individual in a system that depends on conforming to capitalism, in all of it’s manipulative and greed driven glory.

My higher power was money.  I was drinking almost a “5th” of vodka a day.  i could purchase a 1.75 liter and finish it off in 3 days.  If I was really really trying to off myself, I would finish it in two.  Then, there was an extra day of just trying to move at all much less get myself to a store to whip out my diminishing “cushion” and purchase more of the poison that would hold me in denial of an inevitable future.  I knew it though.  That’s what makes it particularly disturbing, even to me, because I tried to convince myself that I needed to live in another version of this reality, where I couldn’t have Candy, and I couldn’t continue doing what I had been doing to support myself for almost a decade.

I was forced to do things that I didn’t know I could do at first, like fill out a job application by hand without shaking, or look someone in the eye in the “interview” process and actually getting a job…  When the cards were down, and I knew there was only about a month of time wasting slow suicide, and I could tell that my body was going to hold out for a lot longer, there was still a shot at maybe being kind of happy in a murky, sad, pathetic kind of way, but it was going to take time and money.  In the end, I believe I’ve already gone there, graphic detail about how I lied to myself about the entire “ssbbw” preference.  Crazy.  So, I can’t be crazy to have the preference if I was bat shit insane trying to deny it…  Anyway…

I ended up with 2 potential jobs.  Instead of just one, when I got off my ass and stopped getting hammered just a day here and there, I actually scheduled and kept appointments.  I did some paperwork, I answered some bullshit questions, I didn’t talk too much, and I got hired…  I had to turn down 3rd interview with one freaking place… A big assed store you might know of, starts with a W… I chose to take another route, because my computer experience got me in.  I would have to work for barely over minimum wage, but that was ok.  I would have minimal responsibility, and I was only in there because of some arbitrary decision on the part of management to want to have as much “coverage” of technical staff present even if we barely do much of anything, even documented…

Now…  Money sure saved my ass on that one!  Money put me on the “right path”, the “path of righteousness“.  And… there is, as usual, the recognition of God and the balance, and the enforcement of the cruel, horrible, ever present judge of time itself.  Time is the judge, but money gives you the right to exist.  Money makes the difference of if your wanted or avoided.  Money makes you a social magnet or a pariah.  I could be a much bigger asshole and still have a lot of people saying they agreed with me, not understanding a word I say, if I had a lot of money.  Money buys everything.  When it comes to people, it even buys fakeness.  Fake is free, but money makes people do things for you.  We are all whores for the dollar, and we have to be…  We are capitalists…

I am not complaining, I am adjusting, evolving, conforming, and establishing a system of understanding that I can manipulate the forces of capitalism, even more than I already somehow have, and I can receive even more benefit, but it will be much more fulfilling and rewarding and successful if, it is still benefiting someone in some way at the same time.  When people ask me how I would have found and “discovered” some of the people I have photographed, I just tell them that it’s what I wanted to do, and I found a way to make it happen.  Now, I realize that I was so caught up in my own drama and my own habits that I failed to recognize how I could have gotten so much further, so much faster, and developed a warm, sincere, true group of friends…

I catch a glimpse of a video that is suggested by Candy, and like so many things she has suggested in an idle moment with no special significance, I begin to realize the true context of what this guy is talking about, and what that guy means, and how this guy did what he did.  I’ve been doing it all along, but I have limited myself to such a small level because of my own laziness.  I have become more and more antisocial as I mistakenly put trust in people who had obvious agendas that I thought I could accept but have a hard time doing so.  While it is easy to say that one is putting one’s self in the service of others, it’s a slippery slope when it comes to trusting that you will get back what you put out.  Right now I am trying to have faith in someone who has had a mutually beneficial relationship with me, that has contributed at times, and caused inconvenience at times to my personal relationship.  I can hope, that in the spirit of friendship, and the promise of it’s future benefits, that this guy isn’t going to bullshit me.  If he does though, I have to cross off, move on, and hope for a better outcome next time.  All the while, the key is not giving up what your not willing to lose.  It’s just like gambling I guess… I was never compelled to do it myself, but then again, I do it every day with every decision I make.  My failure to fall under the spell of gambling is probably connected to my thorough understanding of “odds” and my lack of patience to play against them instead of placing assets carefully into a state of best possible return on investment…

Ok, I have to work on something else.  In even writing all of this out, I’m hoping to better understand myself, and continue to improve upon my interaction with other people.  There is no justification for any of my prior behavior, but I will always be obnoxious and disliked by some people.  In the future, there will almost be an invisible barrier that will cause some type of dislike because I will be repelling that “type” and attracting the *right* type of future friend.  Right now, I am trying to have faith in just one of them, and it’s harder as time passes.  Time really will tell.  Time is running out for me to complete something else I really wanted to.  I just wanted to write I guess, even as practice, to see how fucked up a first draft can get, to see if there is a chance that I should keep doing this, but channel it in a totally different direction.

Damn I missed a main point too…  I started to point out contradiction, and how it will always pop out like a pimple at the worst possible time, and cause everybody a lot of grief and discomfort because it’s something that some people kind of saw coming, but nobody wanted to point it out, or worse, they are punished or exiled from a sub culture for pointing it out.  Contradiction is a mechanism under which the “double agent” strategy can work.  By existing, even through a lie perpetuated by hate, in the “anti” fat perception, by letting myself go there as wholly and fully as I could, i was able to see more from the “other side” than my own personal bias ever would have.

In the end, I am guided to get far far away from the whole “size” issue.  Strangely enough, the radar picks up something that is almost nearly related, but not having anything to do at all with that whole thing.  It’s been a distraction, via sexuality, that has kept me interested and focused on so many causes, all of which have the repeated ability to make people seriously dislike me.  As I explored the horrible depths of my own depravity through depression and alcohol, I was given the chance to dislike myself, and make a choice to change not just one aspect, but everything.  To just wake up and realize that i can have anything i want, I can accomplish anything I want, and I can be as happy as I want.  All I have to do is believe and take some kind of action every day.  Time will do the rest.  It’s amazing how fast time seems to pass when there is a strict set of goals it is set aside for.  By working “for” someone else, I am given an opportunity to see how my decision to be lazy when it comes to working on my own stuff had the dire consequences of having to work, for less, and be dehumanized more than I thought I could handle so that i could have more money, and therefore more TIME.

Time has punished me and I can keep punishing myself, or I can finally set myself free and just fucking figure out what I’m really supposed to be doing instead of doing what I think I’m supposed to be doing…  Easier said than done.   Geez I gotta go!  Time… What a bitch.

Saving certain points had a cost… Of course…  It’s a concept that I introduced in FB, but forgot to include here.  My prior attitude, with my beliefs founded in theory but not yet organized, always had me portraying things in a negative light.  I want to correct just a few…

“Percentage Pimp”.  a term of endearment for those webmasters who “employ” or enter into contracts with, or make agreements with models that are sustained over time and marketed through a website, usually a sub domain, within a larger framework of websites.  I use this term as a “positive” because the use of the word “percentage” indicates that both parties benefit mutually, and the really good, popular ones, I would merely use “pimp” as a term given as some kind of throwback to rap and hip hop music where the term indicates status, or a position of respect or authority.  In a twist of my usually obnoxious double entendre, I would always suggest that even if I were to create something that would be called “porn”, there is a fine line between the most graphic porn and what some might call “pin up” or “classy” photography.  When it is sold at a cost, hidden behind a curtain until the price is paid, and it’s used to jerk off, it’s all “porn” and it’s all the same.  To criticize me on the basis of my graphic content while at the same time selling images for the use of jerking off, it’s often amusing and frustrating at the same time when someone brags about having a “higher standard” of content.  When doing so, it seems to indirectly convey some negative connotation to what one group likes to jerk off to vs what another group likes to jerk off to.

I guess while I have done major injustice myself to someone in particular, there are certain fundamental differences of opinion, and the use of certain slogans in marketing, that will always poke at a nerve that urges me to confront and contradict.  I’ve said it before, when someone wants to say that they only do “classy pin up style modeling”, they are still selling images of themselves to people who fully intend to stroke their cock until they ejaculate, or climax, or orgasm…  My work might do it faster, or it might do the trick when the thrill of the “classy stuff” wears out, but I am no lower on the scale of “human scum” than anyone else who has a “member’s area”.

This, like ANY SUBJECT, TOPIC, CAUSE, DISCUSSION, ARGUMENT, OR DEBATE all sums up to the same ideals, the same tests, the same logic, and they are all proven or disproven over time.  When I think of the time I have invested in the entire arena of fat and/or size acceptance, I realize it was pretty good PRACTICE for finding a cause that I can leech onto and make even more money off of.  If I am “co-dependent” for using my woman’s image to make money, then I will make even more money outside of that endeavor just to PROVE A POINT.  If I am accused of taking advantage of anyone, I will be quick to point out exactly how they benefit from the same situation, and how the relationship is fulfilling and mutually beneficial in every way.

I don’t have anything to prove to anyone, Time will do it for me.  I don’t have to defend my work or compare it to anything in existence.  There is nothing to compare it to.  It is my creation, and it can only exist because of the participation of someone else.

I will use a term like “percentage pimp” because I admire, respect, and at some point envied the whole process.  I know deep down though that I do not posses the patience, the grace, or the basic fundamentals of social etiquette to pull that kind of thing off.  I’m a realist.  I’ll tell someone how to fail before I can explain how to succeed.  My idea of “success” all of this time was just paying the rent, the bills, and saving a little.  I was shooting too low.  Way too low.  I admire the percentage pimps for what they achieve, and what they can do, and the money they make.  I simply can’t do it, but I would in a heartbeat if I could.

When it comes to the social issues that all boil down to the same basic principals, I have always had dissatisfaction with “fat acceptance” because of how little they accomplished.  I would see the words “size acceptance” used to market events, products, and even member websites.  I probably threw the term in myself to be available for searches when everybody else did it.  I complained because I wished that just a slight percentage of any revenue gained from any product marketed under the banner of “size acceptance” actually went towards that end goal.  I always got hyped up when I would think about NAAFA and how they have spent over 40 years and who knows how much money, all re-invested in parties and conventions, and potentially none of it spent on good old fashioned activism.  All of that was done for free by eager volunteers who had not yet been soured on the lack of any forward movement from the head of the organization itself.

Even a “percentage pimp” can be disillusioned by such a co-existing size acceptance product salesperson!  So.  I wanna make mine.  I wanna make some fat ass cash, and I am going to be searching on exactly what angle to exploit, because now that I know that the formula of fat oppression applies to everything else, and the same course of action solves everything else, I know that i can admire the money making ability of certain groups as they use the term size acceptance, because I will do it if it serves me too.  Right now, I create a product, I charge a price, and that’s that.  Exactly like any and every other website in existence.  The various “size acceptance” groups do the same thing with a get together and parties.  Who knows, this might be the only way a few people leave the freaking house!  It’s not for me, the whole thing is kind of catty and after spending the cash, your kind of trapped in a “you better enjoy this and get along with everybody” kind of atmosphere.  This would be naturally difficult for people who already have social issues, like overweight people, so it’s amazing that they pull it off at all.  I just know that as I continue to create my little videos and take my little pictures, I am limited…  The only way “up” is to branch *out*.  I don’t have the patience to deal with parties, I don’t want to negotiate deals with models who  WILL EVENTUALLY QUIT EVERY TIME ANYWAY.  And I don’t feel like socializing with certain people just because they are buttering my bread.

There is something else out there.  Something that may very well have nothing to do with fat.  When I look at the gay marriage struggle, I’m reminded of the fat cause.  I think to myself, “look at what they do and how hardcore they are”.  The very next thought is “fat people could do that too, if they only wanted to”.  The disappointment fades, and instead of being all down on “bbw parties” and the like, I’m all for it, knowing that if I could make some $$$ on it, I would be jumping at the chance.  I would rather making money fucking a big fat chick in front of a camera though.  lol

Oh, it would be so fun and easy to end on that!  A few breaks later, and the calm realization occurs that in this “stream of consciousness exercise”, I am trying to slowly shed the layers of whatever guilt and shame remain.  I have been subjected, again, to another “test of time” myself.  I have come full circle, in all my previous talk of “loops” i have seen a big giant one, and several smaller fucked up ones.  My prior point of view, to become almost agitated with my thought of injustice that was playing itself as morally superior or ethically sound was just another con job, and it must have been working on me.  The truth is, I really can do “whatever I want”.  In theory, of course.  If I made it an objective to be a percentage pimp, I could self teach a fancier version of website authoring and come up with one snazzy design and replicate it over and over in a formula, even employing other people in the effort.  But… I don’t have the patience, and I will know, that whatever experiences or “alleged trauma” I have experienced in the past will hold me down if I am envious or jealous.

I don’t have the convenience to leave it at that either.  I have to realize that my justification of my existence and the validity of my art is a trap.  By the time your doing it, your heart and passion have moved towards self defense instead of self expression.  FUCK THAT.  Now that I have conquered alcohol, turned down a job to take another when there should be none at all, and gotten the girl back that I wanted more than anything in the world, it’s amazing how I have to remind myself on almost a daily basis of how happy I am.  When I am faced with the ways in which my partner, who I want to make happy, feels about current surroundings, or even the city in which “we” reside, I must make her happy, and I am happy to make her happy.

No amount of meddling by anyone with a streak of hate in their hearts can ever stop me from doing what I am meant to do, and what will in turn benefit me and those around me.  I have been in hell, I have thrived on hate, and I have suffered every moment in between accomplishing what I thought that hate was giving me the strength to do.  Whatever I accomplished, I would almost lose it, or it would always be in almost certain peril.   Until I let love back in, I would never rest.  Now, because of things I have said and done, I know that I SHOULD receive a degree of resistance or being taken seriously.  This is why I would do myself such a service to completely and utterly leave that entire “cause” and talking about it behind me.  There will be times when it comes up, because EVERYTHING is related to obesity in some way or another.  It has become such an interesting subject to me because of my confusing and widely unaccepted sexuality, and my endless fascination with the double standard that exists between men and women, and the reasons they mate, or hook up, or the reasons they say they are doing so, or making their choice in a mate.

Now everything that has previously held some kind of fat stereotype is now going to just apply universally to all men or women, instead of making the mistake of trapping myself in the fat mentality, or even the fat activist mentality.  I don’t get paid to be a “fat activist”, I get paid to create erotic content by adults for adults. I also work as a network administrator and certified computer repair specialist.  I also seem to be a hobby mechanic, a photographer, a writer, a cameraman, video editor, regular and tax accountant, and even sex expert in some circles outside of the “fat thing”.  Now, there is going to be an “outside” to the “fat thing” at all.  And… All the while, I might peek in now and then, even showing support, encouragement, and maybe some degree of excitement for the joy that is doled out in the parties, even if they say it has anything to do with size acceptance.  I’ll appreciate the fact that this is something that has come out over the course of years, over a decade maybe, as I was fumbling through trying to have weekend parties myself in Orlando back in ’98, hating every minute of it because it was so much trouble, work, and so little return on investment.

There was one return though.  It made scouting for models so much easier.  Develop a social “friendship”, and the clothes come off in front of the camera so much easier.  It’s brilliant really, I admire the ability to do it greatly, as I have practiced it a few times myself.  I had a few shards of angst left over I had to shed though, when it was ok for a female, or anyone else but me to do what I have actually made money for almost a decade doing…  I do have “a right”.  I always have.  I gave the right to myself, and I am going to give myself the right to fly right on over all of that, and get to the point of my compulsion to write, my ability to find things that make money and adapt to them or incorporate them into my schedule, and the ability me and my partner have in creating imagery that forces… yes…. FORCES average humans to associate fat with sexuality instead of assuming fat people are non sexual.  It will force the diet salespeople to reconcile every mean nasty insult to fat and a fat woman’s body that they have ever made in the spirit of making money.  I have said I will make money on anything I can, and when I went “over to the dark side” I sure did see how easy it would be.

A part of me must have gotten bent out of shape when I started to fall into all of the NAAFA rhetoric and see all of the blatant discrimination, constantly uncovering my own, seeing how diet and surgical corporations are sucking the money and sometimes life out of women who are trained to believe they are disgusting because they are fat.  I have created work that counters that argument, so in my way, I am not simply an artist, or an activist, but a combination of both.  I can go as far as I want, as long as it’s (currently damn you conservatives) legal, and Candy has an interest, I’ll give it a try, and see how much cash comes in.

I will rejoice when anyone who is doing anything in the service of fat does it, because taking cash in the name of size acceptance without doing anything activism related towards adding “size” to current anti discrimination laws is their version of the concept “size acceptance”.  By that argument, I can always piggyback onto size acceptance myself because my work proves a point that an entire serious money making industry works very hard to fight down.  I show that fat has an undeniable sex appeal to more men than people think, and it’s not because they are “easy”.  I still have yet to uncover exactly what caused my cock to spring to attention upon visual stimulation from a super sized woman with a certain shape, but it happens, and instead of denying it, I go with it.  Because it seems to be such a big fucking deal to so many assholes from my past, I’ve found a way to paint a pretty little picture for them.  I guess you can call it “performance art”.

OMG the feeder stuff… There was a time when one group with a cam system that is no longer going actually made eating on cam forbidden…. What a way to gather up the people who enjoy that material and LITERALLY THROW THEM TO THE COMPETITION.  When Candy has even expressed concern that she is sending the wrong message or making a bad example, I remind her that it is the feedee that has to come first, not the feeder.  Without a feedee, a feeder would just be a bossy, insecure dom that uses food to control.  Because I am so far from that myself, being visually stimulated by a certain size shape combination, I always find myself screaming out that not all guys who love fat chicks want them to change from the way they are, that would be in either direction though, unless or until circumstances arise where the woman wants to change.

At this point, where Candy is concerned, I believe that even if she dropped a good bit of weight, I wouldn’t really “see” it the same way others would.  I have a bond with her that causes me to see her a certain way, beyond the physical even.  Although I myself would say that’s a croc, it’s true even to me.

OH my fucking God…  I have to stop…. There is just so much… it’s been so very long…  i need practice, my clip descriptions are so %70!!!  Ever since I quit drinking, there is something deep that I have been trying to figure out.  This is a part of it.  Rejoice in the benefit of others, more so if you participated in it.  Just don’t get fucking bent over and lose more than you put in.  That might be selfish, but if you call me on it, I have to claim “capitalism shaming”, which I’m seeing a lot of, even if some of the cocksuckers deserve it.   It’s a fine line, between being a good capitalist and being a greedy pig.  I would rather make more money and have a couple of people see me as the latter, because I will know deep down that others are getting an equal benefit and the balance is being maintained…

As I wait for an upload to finish, that at one point I didn’t think I would start, I realize something.  I’ve had an “off couple of years”.  I have let myself slip a little too far for a little too long.  It almost doesn’t matter exactly what I am updating, adding to, making into, or creating and editing as much as how long I’ve been doing it, what kind of incredible shit I have been through while doing it, and the fact that I am still doing it and don’t seem to have any intention of stopping until I am unable to do it.  As much as i threaten the universe to stop me, it keeps right on daring me to continue.  An equal and opposite set of forces is always at work.  That is my God.  In a meager attempt to pay tribute, I must first control my own negative impulses, and then further attempt to contribute to some kind of worthwhile cause that wants to really be a “cause” and not an empty platform.  My cause should be me.  Instead of worrying about what’s going on with this one or that one, or what I’ve been through, or who has done what, or what I have said to who, none of it matters.  My cause is and always was me.  The only person who was there through all of it was me.  The only person who can even begin to understand some but not all of it, is me.  I am the cause.  If I choose to and really want to, I can embrace the good fortune of the love that has returned to me and my cause can be for “us” without the fear of “codependency”.

We don’t seem to always mix well with others, but together, I think we kind of push each other to be more social than either of us would be apart.  When Candy left I wasn’t trolling the streets right off the bat.  While I did place some sort of personal ad, I was so very sorely disappointed in my choices (of course) that I could not bring myself to seriously pursue any of them.  I knew better than to go for the long distance rebound, but still almost let myself fall right into it.  I don’t know how I stopped myself, except for a knee jerk reminder of what the reality is and what I would be getting myself into.  I would go months without meeting anyone, and then when I did, I was so very cautious and careful.  Of course I made some fucked up choices, because I was drinking, but that’s no excuse.  I didn’t choose to quit, not nearly fast enough…  I can’t beat myself up over that forever, but there is a golden ticket somewhere in this giant heap of bullshit that if I find it, will provide the answers *and* some kind of monetization salvation.

Not that I need saving, I’m doing ok, but there is more, of course, and Candy got a glimpse of what it would be like to have followed another path and be more successful.  Obviously, I’m not meant to follow the exact path of anyone else, but if I do my best, try my hardest, and keep at it, I can be the best at whatever I put my mind to.  I just have to make some decisions about what I really want to do.  Earlier when I said I just wanted to fuck a fat chick in front of a cam, it was almost satire of sarcasm.  It’s what I would have thought was an ultimate fantasy for me 20 years ago, but then 12 years ago when it happened for the first time, it was a messed up situation that I got fucked over in.

This time, I almost fucked myself over, in Candy’s opinion I’m trashed beyond all hope.  I would agree, *if* I was concerned about one or two clique’s in a ginormous niche’…  I don’t need to make friends to make money, but friends are nice now and then.  The ones that I trust do benefit already, even though sometimes they fuck with me and keep me waiting for that payback.  Frustrating as it may be, it’s coming, and the fact that the kind of friends that I seem to make will pull this kind of shit is yet another indicator of another thing I’m doing incorrectly.

Oh geez, I just couldn’t stop.  It’s been so very very long…  I’m going to have to make time for this during the day in short, much much shorter intervals.  At least Candy got to catch “The Avengers” without too much distraction.   The upload is finished, this edit is through!  Fuck I’m tired!  Writing actually wore me out!  I didn’t even feel like writing a proper description for the update I was uploading!  it’s coming though… yeah… that’s what she said…